It was intended to be a simple PM on my BBM but the number of furious replies I got indicated that I had to expand my reach. The said PM was – “Naija men with come to my house, come to my house.” Is there seriously no young man who can advise his fellow men on dating etiquettes? Help us plssssss”

I sincerely felt that I was alone in this predicament till I started getting pings from people who were even more angry about it than I was. And then I realized that this is a general epidemic.

Now, I had different responses from people and I will attempt to put those responses into consideration and not be too streamlined with my views.

Most of the males who responded to my PM agreed with the fact that their brothers are not representing the male folks as well as they should in this area but one of the men made a case for our culture being the reason for this predicament.

According to him, Nigerians do not see the home as a private place and can invite just about anyone into their home. He also talked about the mentality that has been deeply ingrained in us – some men just don’t think that going on dates is necessary, or rather, “we can meet up at my house, there’s no need to go through all that white culture ish” (paraphrased)

As much as I understand where he was coming from and I agree with him that the Nigerian mentality has a lot to bear with this situation. I also think that there are two reasons why the “come to my house issue” is so rampant today.

(1) Some men just don’t think that it’s necessary to go through all that stress in wooing a lady anymore.

A friend of mine actually said that chivalry is dead in response to my PM but I am a positive person, so I refuse to believe that there is no single man on this earth who knows how to take a woman on a date and win her heart slowly – no, there must surely be such men left on earth. (yes, I am rooting for the male folks)

Some Nigerian men just believe that all that “taking a woman to a lovely restaurant and stuff” is for “oyibo people“. I mean, you will be surprised at the number of educated men who would invite you to their house at first meeting.

The man who inspired my PM is a lecturer. Another man who contributed to my cry for help studied law as a first degree. He is involved in media and publicity for a while, and is a called pastor… so you can go figure out the thing about education being a way to raise up people with a modern outlook on things.

(2) 80 % of the men who invite ladies to come to their house at first meeting have no good intentions at heart.

Now, I have to be very careful with how I say this, because I understand like my male friend stated above: that for some men, inviting a lady to their house at first meeting just doesn’t mean anything to them.

They weren’t raised with the mentality that the home is a private place. So even if they just met a lady they are interested in, they can hang out at their house as a first date – with no ulterior motive involved on their part. So yes, I agree that those kind of men exist.

We don’t need to go deep down into stories do we? Or maybe we do. Listen carefully and you will hear stories from the lady who has true stories to tell on how she had to fend off SERIOUS sexual advances just because she believed a man who said he had no ulterior motive for inviting her to his house.

Some of our female friends won’t open up to us but some ladies have been raped because of the “come to my house syndrome”. They cower in shame and guilt, berating their selves that they should have known better than to go to his house. And the society doesn’t make it easy on them too.

Most people would say things like – “Why did you go to his house? That’s a sign that you wanted the sexual act to happen” So the victims keep quiet and bottle up the hurt and shame inside.

What about the guy that tells you to just come into his house while he dresses up so you both can go out and then, under the guise of that excuse starts drawing close for a kiss?

So the “come to my house syndrome” is a serious one. Aside from the serious underlying issues of ladies who have had sad stories of sexual assault and rape to tell, it also begs for a total overhauling of the way some Nigerian men view wooing a lady – an overhauling of faulty dating mentalities.

If the woman was to be a street lady, we might pardon you, but no, you see a decent lady with her worth shining through and you just don’t want to put in an effort into treating her like the jewel that she is.

What would it take for you to take the natural order of the way things should be in cultivating a relationship with her?
Would a time out at a restaurant be too much to ask? It doesn’t even have to be a classy restaurant – just a neutral place where you both can talk that’s not your house.

So I plead again, don’t we have young mighty men of valor who can advise their fellow men on dating etiquettes? Men who can organize classes and teach their fellow men these things – if it comes to that.

Or maybe I should be pleading with our churches too. Almost every church organizes programmes for ladies on how to be virtuous women, how to behave themselves while on a date, etc. Can’t such programmes be held for men too? Women aren’t the only ones who need to be groomed, men need to be groomed too.

So gentlemen, I sincerely still believe that there are a lot of you who are getting it right in the area of what I just talked about.
Please teach your fellow men about these things, we will be absolutely grateful to you all.

Signed,
The community of ladies who are tired of the “come to my house syndrome”

SOURCE

Op what's your point?






Cheeeeers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vh2I2HabjEM

Come on over to my place

Nelly ft Jaheim



Lemme add.

Sensible ladies should quit being naive. Anyhow you look at it, it is bad manners to visit a guy you just met in his house. A first date or meet should not be private except you are both being coy, playing yourselves or just fooling around.

The community of ladies who are tired of the “come to my
house syndrome” Are u all virgins ? I asked because you are asking for respect due to virgin girls only, 99% of girls are prostitute who date old men for money, nonsense

wait wait
You and I both know what the what the endgame is, so why not cut the boring formalities and head straight to business? There would be plenty of time for that if need be.

"They weren’t raised with the mentality that the home is a private place. So even if they just met a lady they are interested in, they can hang out at their house as a first date – with no ulterior motive involved on their part."
Ebelebe! These men know what they are looking for! Any man that tells you to come to his house, especially if he is not a close relative, is simply suggesting activities that goes beyond eating , talking and watching movies and hanging out. And if the girl agrees, in the man's mind, she has agreed to take part in those activities.
How many men will not try to get fresh with a lady when they are alone in his house? Biko, let me hear word. They should just accept the fact, and no decent or sensible young lady will want to visit a man alone. Too risky!

What a long epistle, @op you should have written it in chapters and verses.

different strokes for different folks....

from my own personal experience, nigerian ladies actually prefer coming to the house than going out to eat somewhere. all those church girls who love doing things behind closed doors would never agree to go out on a date where they can be seen & gossiped about. they would rather chop & clean mouth.

Did you read the post at all or do you simply lack understanding skills? Where was anything about virginity mentioned in the post? And how many girls have you come into contact with to make you come to such an absurd conclusion? Please do not derail this post.

milliondollas:
The community of ladies who are tired of the “come to my
house syndrome” Are u all virgins ? I asked because you are asking for respect due to virgin girls only, 99% of girls are prostitute who date old men for money, nonsense

Oh my God!
I'm sick sick sick and tired of hearing those words.

Imagine you meet someone for the first time and you guys get talking, you like them cos you think they're smart. You exchange phone numbers and you're chatting. Next thing "you don't want to come to my house" To do what!? Is there some kinda solution to global hunger in your house?
So annoying!

The second point..
I couldn't agree more.
Most guys behave so good that you carry your self and be going to 'their' house and you go and get raped and you can't do nothing about it.
I got to counsel some young ladies who fell victim of the above, the shame and guilt they carry around is enough to break any male!
This is the case for so many young ladies.

Men in the Nigerian society need serious orientation and sensitization.
'Come to my house' is not in the least bit romantic or endearing.
Its creepy and annoying

Nigerian women are becoming sick jokes en masse. What exactly is the point of going on a date with a bunch of women who have decided to feast to their hearts' content at the expense of their male companion? What exactly is a date meant to achieve in the scheme of things? You want to go to an impressive restaurant to 'assess' whether the guy is good enough for your time, at his expense.
No, my brothers would rather cut to the chase and if you're not coming to his place, it's on to the next one. There's really not much sense in wooing today's Nigerian woman. It. Is. All. About. The. Money. We now live in an era of 'no romance without finance'. Why should I woo you when all you're after is the money? You can swerve if you want to eat at Barcelos.

Secondly, whether there's a date or you've been invited to his house at first invite, there's no good intentions. He wants to lay you. Stop acting like a trip to a posh restaurant will suddenly wipe out sexual fantasies about you. Or maybe you're saying it's only ok to have those sexual fantasies after you've been wined and dined?


In conclusion, the 'come to my house dynamic' is mostly a move to economise the expenditure of time and other resources considering the margin of success/lack of.

Timbuktou:


You better wake up. Who cares about romance and endearment when you're dealing with opportunistic dates?

why won't they demand for expensive dates when it's the men that bear the cost in most cases? if the roles are reversed, nigerian women would ask men to come to the house too so they can cook a sumptuous meal for their boyfriends.

Timbuktou:

Oga Coogar, you done come again o.

swear down, that statement of yours had me in stitches. according to that article, nigerian men are free to have sexual fantasies about their women as long as they are willing to take her out on a date.

Timbuktou:


You better wake up. Who cares about romance and endearment when you're dealing with opportunistic dates?

Oga Coogar, you done come again o.

True.

What will the situation be in an ideal environment?

coogar:


why won't they demand for expensive dates when it's the men that bear the cost in most cases? if the roles are reversed, nigerian women would ask men to come to the house too so they can cook a sumptuous meal for their boyfriends.



swear down, that statement of yours had me in stitches. according to that article, nigerian men are free to have sexual fantasies about their women as long as they are willing to take her out on a date.

You dey mind them? In a society where a date could likely bring her friend along, on a 'date' o. They want us to be eternal magas. God pass dem

And she was conceited enough to include that her Lawyer-Pastor and Lecturer friends also find the habit unscrupulous. Very silly attempt at shaming our collective common sense, those ones don't say come to my house, it's 'see me in my office'

Timbuktou:

You dey mind them? In a society where a date could likely bring her friend along, on a 'date' o. They want us to be eternal magas. God pass dem

And she was conceited enough to include that her Lawyer-Pastor and Lecturer friends also find the habit unscrupulous. Very silly attempt at shaming our collective common sense, those ones don't say come to my house, it's 'see me in my office'

sometimes - they even ask for takeaways after devouring their meal in the restaurant

Some Nigerian men just believe that all that “taking a woman to a lovely restaurant and stuff” is for “oyibo people“. I mean, you will be surprised at the number of educated men who would invite you to their house at first meeting.

I always laugh when Naija women talk about chivalry, romance etc
Better wake up to reality... taking women to some 'fine dinning' is actually 'oyibo people' tradition. Better go and court yourself under the mango tree or something.
And to naija girls you put yourself at risk collecting anything from naija men. He is doing just that to get into your pants, not because 'he's romantic'. Better don't fool yourself.

Lol, come to my house...so romantic.

coogar:

annoying?
the dude is going straight to the point - would you rather he's pretentious with his intentions? we all know the reason why any man would want to get to know a lady better......

See eh.. When there's chemistry, the "come to my house" will not even be necessary..
Dude you just met the lady! She's even still trying to know you, to trust you.
And the most sensible place to chill is 'your house' ?!?!

Knowing a lady better!?!?.
Well.. Since you've so known her well.. Why don't you let her 'know' you too?
Whatever happened to sitting under a tree and talking *pensive*

Timbuktou:


You better wake up. Who cares about romance and endearment when you're dealing with opportunistic dates?

The OP started somewhere that

if the woman was to be a street lady, we might pardon you, but no, you see a decent lady with her worth shining through and you just don’t want to put in an effort into treating her like the jewel that she is.

So.. If you're looking for an opportunistic date then...

coogar:


sometimes - they even ask for takeaways after devouring their meal in the restaurant

Most of them do, the other proportion will not decline it if offered, and they want to be 'romantic'. I done dey vex sef.

All Nigerian girls are gold diggers?

All Nigerian guys are dogs

@OP:

I believe no guy will force you to his house. If you are not interested, politely decline.

Abi na by force?

Is it everything a guy asks of you that you do

I don't see a reason for complaint here.

Teach sisters instead to be firmer and more assertive

@Dates: some girls do not think it is safe going out alone on a first date.

You can do couples date: get a friend with a BF and go on a date. You both can be on different tables so you have your privacy while safe

You can go with your friends (inform your bf forehand) and put a knife to your throat. Proverbs say eat with wisdom at a rich man's table. It is not the time to taste all the delicacies you have only dreamt of.

@Going to his house: when you finally decide to go to his house, comport yourself if you do not want sex. It is foolish for a girl to remove her top or start reclining and caressing him or rubbing your body against his with style if you do not want some.

He is human too and will take it as green light . When I start doing gummy gummy near my husband or parading, I know what I want and I get it.

I hear about date/friendly rape a lot.

April07:
See eh.. When there's chemistry, the "come to my house" will not even be necessary..
Dude you just met the lady! She's even still trying to know you, to trust you.
And the most sensible place to chill is 'your house' ?!?! undecided

this was why i said different strokes for different folks in my first comment - from my own experience, the ladies would rather cotch up with me at home - watch movies, watch football or play video games. they actually suggest coming to my place than taking them out on a date.........i guess some of them are trying to portray the good girl rather than the gold digging heifer.

Knowing a lady better!?!?.
Well.. Since you've so known her well.. Why don't you let her 'know' you too? undecided
Whatever happened to sitting under a tree and talking *pensive*

i mean the only reason a man would be adamant to collect a girl's number is to take her to bed. sexual attraction comes first before he even summoned up the courage to say hi. any man who tells you differently is a bloody liar.

April07:


1. See eh.. When there's chemistry, the "come to my house" will not even be necessary..
Dude you just met the lady! She's even still trying to know you, to trust you.
And the most sensible place to chill is 'your house' ?!?!

2. Knowing a lady better!?!?.
Well.. Since you've so known her well.. Why don't you let her 'know' you too?
Whatever happened to sitting under a tree and talking *pensive*



3. The OP started somewhere that

So.. If you're looking for an opportunistic date then...

1. Erm, sorry, but we'll take our chances. Why spend money to build this chemistry when we can take a more economically sound route of inviting the interest to the house?

2. What happened to coming to our house and talking?

3. Oh, please, what do you mean by the terms 'street girl', 'worth', etc? If 'street girl' doesn't mean prostitute, then I have say you have grossly overrated yourself.

Stillfire:


I always laugh when Naija women talk about chivalry, romance etc
Better wake up to reality... taking women to some 'fine dinning' is actually 'oyibo people' tradition. Better go and court yourself under the mango tree or something.
And to naija girls you put yourself at risk collecting anything from naija men. He is doing just that to get into your pants, not because 'he's romantic'. Better don't fool yourself.

Lol, come to my house...so romantic.

No man anywhere in the world does anything romantic just for the sake of the romantic. It is all a ploy to get to bed the lady. They may seem noble if their attempts yield no results but the aim in the first place was to get down and dirty. The difference is, Nigerian men are more pragmatic and aggressive. . No time.

Timbuktou:


Most of them do, the other proportion will not decline it if offered, and they want to be 'romantic'. I done dey vex sef.

no vex......
they just want to eat their cake & have it. freeloading on another man is what they consider romantic. how many nigerian women would agree to split the bill on the first date? even if they manage to go dutch, the guy would not get a second date from them - the average nigerian would rather spend her money on brazilian hair than waste it in a classy restaurant in the name of romance....

If I haven't read multiple situations where a lady was raped and was also blamed for agreeing to go to the guy's house in the first place, I'd believe those who say they have no ulterior motives when they invite you to their house.

Most of them do because somehow they believe agreeing to visit them in the privacy of their homes is an implicit agreement to having intimate relations. Don't be deceived.

Just go if you're into the dude and want to do it with him. Otherwise, na yourself is to blame if you believe his 'professed' innocence. You will be also blamed for believing him. Even those who told you not to stereotype will join in blaming you.
That's how twisted it is.
It's a lose-lose situation.

coogar:


no vex......
they just want to eat their cake & have it. freeloading on another man is what they consider romantic. how many nigerian women would agree to split the bill on the first date? even if they manage to go dutch, the guy would not get a second date from them - the average nigerian would rather spend her money on brazilian hair than waste it in a classy restaurant in the name of romance....

Go dutch? In Nigeria? Only a measly 0.06% would ever consider this, and an even smaller percentage would carry through.

Timbuktou:


No man does anywhere in the world does anything romantic just for the sake of the romantic. It is all a ploy to get to bed the lady. They may seem noble if their attempts yield no results but the aim in the first place was to get down and dirty. The difference is, Nigerian men are more pragmatic and aggressive. . No time.

Thank God you noted the difference. The aggression can cause a 2000 pound ship to capsize.

If guys generally invite you to come to their house after just meeting you for the first time, then you must look like a runs girls.

If it just happened once or twice, then I can blame the guys but it happens very often, then you must appear cheap or an easy lay.

OP, change how you dress, how you talk and get some class, seems you and your friends have little class.

If guys generally invite you to come to their house after just meeting you for the first time, then you must look like a runs girls.

If it just happened once or twice, then I can blame the guys but it happens very often, then you must appear cheap or an easy lay.

OP, change how you dressing, how you talk and get some class, seems you and your friends have no class.

cococandy:
If I haven't read multiple situations where a lady was raped and was also blamed for agreeing to go to the guys house in the first place, I'd believe those who say they have no ulterior motives when they invite you to their house.

Most of them do because somehow they believe agreeing to visit them in the privacy of their homes is an implicit agreement to having intimate relations. Don't be deceived.

Just go if you're into the dude and want to door with him. Otherwise, na yourself is to blame if you believe his 'professed' innocence. You will be also blamed for believing him. Even those who told you not to stereotype will join in blaming you.
That's how twisted it is.
It's a lose lose situation.

You read my mind

Come to my house 90% of the time is an invitation to sex especially when there is no foundational relationship.

Ladies be wise