Mutendiwashe:
show me where i gave lame excuse for her to cheat? If you remove your wedding ring, do you think its very reasonable to expect her to continue being a jolly good wife after having such an insult to her union thrown in her face?
Why would you do something you wouldnt want the other person to do to you and still expect everything to remain remain rosy?

You should never open your marriage to trials you cannot handle when thrown back in your face. Be the good spouse you want you wife/husband to be and see if you will not reap the benefits thereof

You probably don't know that son couples don't use wedding Ring.
Way some stop useing due to medical issues.

So the ring is not the issue here .

The couple are no longer comfortable with each.

vague:

If African marriages are more stable why are more people running away from them and adopting the western way of doing things?

Please where did you get your statistics? Last time I checked Western worlds have a much higher rate of divorce than Nigeria and the majority of divorces in Nigeria comes from couples doing things differently from the traditional way. Compare the amount of marriages from the 60s and 70s to nowadays and tell me which generation produced more successful marriages.

Hnmn since the wife has discovered this tread she would be like " Honey I have replied you on Nairaland o! Have you read it"

bigfly:

Madam did u read the husband's complain and the wife's response at all, the woman never complained about ring until her husband caught with ring hidden in the compartment, she said her husband stops wearing a months ago, husband said she save ex number with code on the phone she abandoned over a year ago.

Lets get this straight, removing a wedding ring without giving a valid reason for it prior or after removal is a trivial issue but an ex's number saved in an old phone that has not been in use for a while is bigger than murder?

Pls read her response very, it is clear her husband started misbehaving immediately her ex came in. That is why she said she now know why d man has been mean to her.

what you are saying is he can play tit for tat if she does something wrong, i.e. misbehave but if he does something wrong she has to be react differently?

Moana:
on nairaland this only exists if the woman is the one who loves unconditionally, its "unmanly" and a taboo for a man to love just as much, it has to be limited depending on how much his ego can take in.

I understand you but I mean that it is the only way to cage the heart of someone who has phlegmatic temperament to love you back.

Mutendiwashe:
if your wife removes her wedding ring barely years into the marriage, please tell us what your poitive reaction to it would be.

How does ignoring a person's messages constitute as flirting with an ex?

I can ignore a message while I still communicate with a coded phone number.

bigfly:

I can ignore a message while I still communicate with a coded phone number.

you can read so much meaning into how a phone number is saved but see nothing with removing a wedding ring a year into the marriage without consulting or informing your wife? Im sure marriage these days is now meant for kindergarten kids not adults.

emmatok:


You probably don't know that son couples don't use wedding Ring.
Way some stop useing due to medical issues.

So the ring is not the issue here .

The couple are no longer comfortable with each.

Medical reasons a wife is not informed of before removal of the ring?
Couples that dont use wedding rings usually choose to do so after mutual agreement, which is not the case here.

Brytawon:



Phlegmatic temperament is an inborn trait and one among the four temperaments we have. It is hereditary and can be transfered to offsprings. To know much better about yourself if you have phlegmatic temperament, I'll advice you look for this book and buy titled: WHY YOU ACT THE WAY YOU DO by TIM LAHAYE. It will sure answer most of your questions.

Back to your question, it is inborn and cannot be changed. You only know how to express yourself when you're around people who know how to motivate you and press the right buttons in you.

The lady has to learn how to bring out the best in him by motivating, encouraging and support. This kind of people are not quick to anger but when they do, it takes much out of them.
She has to be a very patient and understanding person to tolerate such man. She must also know that he's much of a jealous lover.

Finally, she can press the right buttons in him if she knows how to motivate him. The best medicine for such kind of people is unconditional love.

THANK YOU!

tnks

vague:
okay im assuming you will be the "hardy" that will help his children deal with the divorce and you will be able to give him a wife who will be able to handle another woman's children and be the perfect spouse to him that he cant be to her. Arent we all always ready to give the easy way out when we know we wont be there to help people deal with the most hard times?
Are you even married or have you ever had a serious relationship before?

Let me tell you something, the fear of the unknown is what kills most ambitions. A man will always find a wife, it's so easy as long as he's capable financially. The children will be okay, when they grow up they'll understand why their mother was sent packing for adultery. Furthermore if I've never been in a serious relationship I doubt I would be discussing a subject as sensitive as this so don't insult my intelligence

egobetatoday:

tnks

You're welcome my broda...

abbey621:


Let me tell you something, the fear of the unknown is what kills most ambitions. A man will always find a wife, it's so easy as long as he's capable financially. The children will be okay, when they grow up they'll understand why their mother was sent packing for adultery. Furthermore if I've never been in a serious relationship I doubt I would be discussing a subject as sensitive as this so don't insult my intelligence

I did not insult anyone's intelligence it just that most intelligent people that i know know that marriage is not a bed of roses and when you go through trivial trials its better to fix the marriage than hope to find someone else close to perfect. Finding a replacement and finding a good woman are 2 entirely different things, sadly some people never know the difference.

Intelligent people also know that commit adultery is having an extra-marital affair with someone not cooking for someone, they usually know the huge difference between the 2

Mutendiwashe:

Lets get this straight, removing a wedding ring without giving a valid reason for it prior or after removal is a trivial issue but an ex's number saved in an old phone that has not been in use for a while is bigger than murder?

what you are saying is he can play tit for tat if she does something wrong, i.e. misbehave but if he does something wrong she has to be react differently?

I still stand on my words go and read her response and you will see that she knows she made a mistake.
Let start dissenting it, her ex called, her husband foolishly called his ex instead of setting a strict boundaries.
Her husband stops wearing his ring but she wore it out to office but removed it later and keeps it in d car.
She saved William with 4 alpabets a year b4 ring issue.
Now estate dude, food and lies to cover up.

No doubt the husband has his own share of wrong doing, but let's call a spade a spade.

vague:


I did not insult anyone's intelligence it just that most intelligent people that i know know that marriage is not a bed of roses and when you go through trivial trials its better to fix the marriage than hope to find someone else close to perfect. Finding a replacement and finding a good woman are 2 entirely different things, sadly some people never know the difference.

Intelligent people also know that commit adultery is having an extra-marital affair with someone not cooking for someone, they usually know the huge difference between the 2

I'm sorry you might want to check the meaning of adultery again, it's not only about physical contact, emotional bonding is considered cheating nowadays. Now what you are suggesting is for the man to stick with the wife, a wife that has yet to admit she did anything wrong. Forget the westernized crap, as an African man I cannot tolerate such a thing and I cannot advice any man to tolerate such nonsense!

bigfly:

I still stand on my words go and read her response and you will see that she knows she made a mistake.
Let start dissenting it, her ex called, her husband foolishly called his ex instead of setting a strict boundaries.
Her husband stops wearing his ring but she wore it out to office but removed it later and keeps it in d car.
She saved William with 4 alpabets a year b4 ring issue.
Now estate dude, food and lies to cover up.

if you pick up your stranded ex and later on find out that your wife would have been against it, you think the most mature thing for her to do is put divorce or seperation on her mind?

No doubt the husband has his own share of wrong doing, but let's call a spade a spade.

and the best thing to do it vow for better or worse on the alter and divorce because of how a number was saved or a cooked meal? Why do people waste their time getting married if they are not ready to keep their vows when a challenge comes their way? Please do give me a good reason.

Mutendiwashe:
you can read so much meaning into how a phone number is saved but see nothing with removing a wedding ring a year into the marriage without consulting or informing your wife? Im sure marriage these days is now meant for kindergarten kids not adults.

Yes, I think marriage is meant for kindergarten kids otherwise no sane adult will justify cheating in any form for any reason.

Mutendiwashe:

Medical reasons a wife is not informed of before removal of the ring?
Couples that dont use wedding rings usually choose to do so after mutual agreement, which is not the case here.

Some couples don't use the Ring at all , due to their religious beliefs.

When the husband notice his wife is not wearing her ring he asked why .
And the wife too should have asked why he removed his ring in the first place, instead of reacting by removing her ring.

She is trying to justify her selfish actions, by claiming the husband is doing the same.

So if I'd the husband sleeps around, she was will do the same.

If the husband eats out, she'll do the same.

Marriage don't work like that.

abbey621:


I'm sorry you might want to check the meaning of adultery again, it's not only about physical contact, emotional bonding is considered cheating nowadays. Now what you are suggesting is for the man to stick with the wife, a wife that has yet to admit she did anything wrong. Forget the westernized crap, as an African man I cannot tolerate such a thing and I cannot advice any man to tolerate such nonsense!

You are not mature enough for the commitment which is why you cannot tolerate the smallest of things that can be fixed. So its understandable. If you don't have tolerance or patience you will not survive a successful marriage. For a marriage to be called successful it has to pass through tests, if you cannot do that it cannot be called successful.

You should learn from many that have lost out on many things because they put pride first before anything else. Many have fallen because their egos take over their reasoning. When you end up on wife number 4 and still end up with the same results, you will understand.

Tell me when you find a definition of adultery that does not include the phrase "sexual intercourse" before you give your own new meaning to it.

freelance777:


Unfortunately we have kids together, 2 kids to be precise. So am on some serious hanging here. If not, I might probably have parted ways with her.

You don't love your wife. Unfortunately and kids cannot go together in one sentence especially when you are the father of the kids. The problem with your marriage is you. Be sincere with yourself and don't blame it on her. I strongly suspect you have some other love interest outside. Own up and don't blame your wife for your feelings.

emmatok:


Some couples don't use the Ring at all , due to their religious beliefs.

if it were for religious purpose they would both not have rings in the first place. Again this doesnt apply to this case.

When the husband notice his wife is not wearing her ring he asked why .
And the wife too should have asked why he removed his ring in the first place, instead of reacting by removing her ring.

She is trying to justify her selfish actions, by claiming the husband is doing the same.

So if I'd the husband sleeps around, she was will do the same.

If the husband eats out, she'll do the same.

Marriage don't work like that.

last time i checked marriage doesnt work on doing something knowing well it is not right and expecting positive results to yield from it either.

bigfly:

Yes, I think marriage is meant for kindergarten kids otherwise no sane adult will justify cheating in any form for any reason.

who slept with who?

Kimoni:


You don't love your wife. Unfortunately and kids cannot go together in one sentence especially when you are the father of the kids. The problem with your marriage is you. Be sincere with yourself and don't blame it on her. I strongly suspect you have some other love interest outside. Own up and don't blame your wife for your feelings.

people always tend to make the biggest issues out of the smallest of things just to get away with certain things. Any slight opportunity to overreact they will always use it to the best of their advantage.

Or he could be getting action elsewhere and the slightest idea of his wife doing the same makes him act irrational to every small incident.

Mutendiwashe:
if you pick up your stranded ex and later on find out that your wife would have been against it, you think the most mature thing for her to do is put divorce or seperation on her mind?

and the best thing to do it vow for better or worse on the alter and divorce because of how a number was saved or a cooked meal? Why do people waste their time getting married if they are not ready to keep their vows when a challenge comes their way? Please do give me a good reason.

Did I call for divorce in any of my post? The key to solve any problem is point out fault and mend those faults accordingly, like I said in my past comments, u don't sweep matters under the carpet, it will still find it way out, u clear it once and for all.

If they can resolve it that way, they will love and understand each better than before.

vague:
people always tend to make the biggest issues out of the smallest of things just to get away with certain things. Any slight opportunity to overreact they will always use it to the best of their advantage.

Or he could be getting action elsewhere and the slightest idea of his wife doing the same makes him act irrational to every small incident.

Exactly

Mutendiwashe:


last time i checked marriage doesnt work on doing something knowing well it is not right and expecting positive results to yield from it either.

In marriage if you use your partner wrong actions to justify your reactions, both of you Will regret that marriage.

Do me, I do you, don't help marriage. Because everybody makes mistakes.

Mutendiwashe:
who slept with who?

Can u please read the title of the thread loud and clear, then read the op's complian and his wife's response.

Brytawon:


I understand you but I mean that it is the only way to cage the heart of someone who has phlegmatic temperament to love you back.

by the time you get married you shouldnt be working on making someone love you back, thats something you do before you even think of making someone part of your family. You should only get married when your are sure the love is requited.


If you find yourself trying to get someone to love you back only after saying "i do" best believe me your middle name will be sorry.

vague:


You are not mature enough for the commitment which is why you cannot tolerate the smallest of things that can be fixed. So its understandable. If you don't have tolerance or patience you will not survive a successful marriage. For a marriage to be called successful it has to pass through tests, if you cannot do that it cannot be called successful.

You should learn from many that have lost out on many things because they put pride first before anything else. Many have fallen because their egos take over their reasoning. When you end up on wife number 4 and still end up with the same results, you will understand.

Tell me when you find a definition of adultery that does not include the phrase "sexual intercourse" before you give your own new meaning to it.

And if you call cooking for another man, flirting with another man and sharing heart to heart moments with him "small things" then obviously you are one of those I consider classless or undignified. Once again you try to sound intelligent but the result is completely opposite. Just because you are not enlightened enough to understand the different meanings of adultery does not mean they do not exist! For your reference:

ADULTERY WITHOUT SEXUAL INTERCOURSE—The Bible speaks of “wanton eyes” (Isa. 3:16), “eyes full of adultery” (2 Pet. 2:14), and “the lust of the eyes” (1 John 2:16).

Jesus Christ warned,

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already with her in his heart.”
http://www.christiananswers.net/dictionary/adultery.html

You seem to be one of those people of the mind that a wife can have as many male friends as possible as long as there are no sexual activities, you seem to believe it is okay to flirt around and if caught then it's no big deal, the man should be man enough to accept and work through it. Now to my final point, I don't know about American men or those in European countries but as an African man I'm meant to be the head, I do not subscribe to the notion that marriage is 50/50, more like 60/40 or 70/30 with the man having the majority of the decision making, it is the role which was given to us by God, promoted by tradition and accepted by society. I do not believe a wife should compete with her husband in terms of tit for tat as it is clear the ultimate loser would be the woman as society still judges a woman negatively for being married two or more times but for a man no one really cares if he marries 4 or more times. So spare me the bullshit and focus more on educating yourself

naijadeyhia:
[b]TO BOTH THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE. NOW THAT I HAVE ANALYZED BOTH STATEMENTS THE SOLUTION HAS BECOME VERY APPARENT. I MUST SAY THAT IS IS INDEED VERY SAD AND SHOCKING THAT THIS ISSUE DEGENERATED TO THE POINT WHERE BOTH OF YOU CAN ONLY POUR OUT YOUR HEARTS ON A FACELESS FORUM SUCH AS NAIRALAND AND ASK FOR HELP FROM SOME HERE WHO ARE PROBABLY FACING THEIR OWN CHALLENGES IN MARRIAGE.

MY ADVICE, IS FOR YOU TO SEEK PSYCHOLOGICAL INTERVENTION AND THIS MUST BE DONE SUPER FAST BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE CRASHES AND BURNS. PEOPLE WILL ONLY KEEP TELLING YOU TO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE BUT NOBODY WOULD TELL YOU HOW CRITICALLY. THIS IS WHY YOU NEED AN INTERVENTION. YOU ARE BOTH GROWING APART!

ONE IS CAREFREE WITH HIS APPROACH WHILE THE OTHER FEELS ALL HER ACTIONS HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD AND JUSTIFIABLE EXCUSE. THIS IS THE PERFECT RECIPE FOR A DISASTROUS MARRIAGE.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A CONFERENCE CALL WITH YOU AND YOUR HUBBY IF YOU BOTH WOULDNT MIND. I DONT NEED TO KNOW YOUR NAMES BUT I WOULD LOVE TO MEET WITH YOU PHYSICALLY SO WE CAN CONNECT FACE WITH EMOTIONS AND JUST TALK... BOTH OF YOU AND MYSELF WITH MY WIFE.

YOU CAN PM ME FOR MY PHONE NUMBER OR RUN A SEARCH ON MY MONIKER FOR MY NUMBER. BOTH OF YOU NEED TO ACT FAST BEFORE ALL YOU HAVE WORKED FOR GOES BYE BYE.[/b]

Having followed your interventions in revlution's case, am persuaaded to believe that you are a very considerate guy. God bless you

bigfly:

Can u please read the title of the thread loud and clear, then read the op's complian and his wife's response.

i did not see anywhere where anyone slept with someone so how was there anyone who cheated?

emmatok:


In marriage if you use your partner wrong actions to justify your reactions, both of you Will regret that marriage.

Do me, I do you, don't help marriage. Because everybody makes mistakes.

if everybody makes mistakes why shouldnt the woman's mistakes be worked on?

emmatok:


In marriage if you use your partner wrong actions to justify your reactions, both of you Will regret that marriage.

Do me, I do you, don't help marriage. Because everybody makes mistakes.

Bros it is just a feel good excuse, the lady said her ex was helping her brother to secure a job in oil firm, it is obvious the appearance of d ex is the major problem of this matter, I must confess her husband mishandled the ex thing because he could warned her instead of behaving as if his not concern then he called his own ex.
After the ex stuff things just keep getting worse for them.

Not everybody can handle ex around their spouse especially the one u called your only and best love.
Others just ignored the fact and made reference to incidence after ex.

All her actions and reactions portray her as a cheat even though It may not be so.

To me it is d immature husband that was trying to play tit for tat but his emotion can not withstand it, but his wife was far ahead of him in the game.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying she is cheating on him but she acted a cheating wife better than d husband could form strong head.