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Let's See The Best Nairaland Comic Liar (only Liars Are Invited) (2) (3) (4)
Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by yahoocrawler: 1:19pm On Jul 26, 2015 |
I stood there with over ninety nine
thoughts jusstling for attention in my
mind. I quietly said “Allahu Akbar” after
starting with the Iqama. I was fortunate to
wake up early today. Ramadan fasting is
twenty seven tonight, the night dubbed as
“the most gracious night”. Far greater than
a thousand nights and the Chief Imam of
the school mosque had assured us that
whatsoever we asked this night will surely
come to pass. And I really have a lot of
things to ask Baba God. I have too many
request to tender.
For this reason I’d set my phone alarm at
two a.m., far earlier than my usual time. I
really need a one on one chat with God. I
did wake up one a.m., an hour early. I
quickly used that opportunity to plug my
phone as PHCN served us a rare dose of
electricity. I went out to get my keg and
filled it with water. I quietly unlocked the
door to the compound as I happen to be
the only Muslim that reside in the
compound and I didn’t want to alert my
landlord less he starts screaming “who’s
that? “. I took caution to walk out of the
house.
I performed the normal ablution then I
walked back indoor, leaving the door ajar.
I checked my Ramadan Solat table, the
night is twenty-seventh and it entails a
dozen rakat with Six salama. I look at my
waist and the little rod in my pants. These
two are the real cause of my present
dilemma. The reason why I need to talk to
father God before things finally fall apart.
I mount my praying mat, said the Iqama
and I followed it up with Suratu Fathia. The
prayer book states that I have to follow
the Fathia with ten Suratu Qodri. I was too
lazy to do that so l lazily recite three. I was
never a man that adhere strictly to manual.
I perform the rukuh and I was already on
Sujud. while kowtowing, the thoughts of
Adiza flood my mind. That careless girl. Her
carelessness is about to ruin my life. I just
wish she had been more careful or I’d
apply the necessary precautions.
Adiza is a schoolmate of though we’re not
in the same level. Adiza is in her
sophomore year on campus. A young girl
with big ambition. Mind you, she is not my
girlfriend or maybe we can say there’s no
official girl in my life. But among the usual
suspects accused of being my girlfriend,
Ady stands out intellectually and in terms
of her exquisite beauty. Ady came from a
relatively rich family, she’s the baby of the
family and she also happened to be the
only girl. Her dad is a car dealer based in
Abuja while her mum works in an
insurance company. She once told me she
would have celebrated her sixteen
birthday as an undergraduate if not for
ASUU’s protracted strike. If there’s
anything like sweet sixteen then Ady is
Perfect sixteen.
As a fresher, Adiza first bumped on me on
campus while she was looking for the
Library. As a gentleman, I took her there,
gave her some tips about campus life
while also helping her to register her
library pass. We struck a friendship
instantly.
As heaven will destined it, Adiza also
happen to belong to my department. This
further deepen our friendship. I
aautomatically assumed the role of her
Campus tutor. As a not too social guy, I
maintained a formal approach in all my
friendship with the opposite sex. I don’t
want to be too close to anyone. I’m
officially single and I’m not ready to
change the status quo.
My mind quickly jogged back to present
posture. I’ve spent almost two minutes
just Sujuding. I quickly completed the
second part then I stood up for the second
rakat.
“Allahu Akbar”
The voice of Adiza is still clear in my head.
She’d called me the previous night before I
break my fasting to give me the shocking
news. She can’t see her period and it’s
now almost Four days late. I asked her
how correct she think she was and maybe
she have had it without remembering but
inside me, I was dead scared. Ady is a lady
bless with good memory and she rarely
joke. In fact I can’t remember her cracking
any jokes since we started our friendship.
I know why i’m scared. The last and only
time I’d spend the night at Adiza’s place
was a a impromptu event and many
impromptu events also coincide or let’s
say unplanned actions did happened that
night. It rained. Heavy after we had
watched Teen Wolf on Ady’s laptop.
My mind jogged back. I was beginning to
doubt the validity of my nafilat. I decided
to read my verses out loud so as to knock
any thoughts frequenting my mind. I
quickly rushed the second rakat. I salama.
I heaved a sigh of relief. I need a break to
put my mind at ease. During Adiza’s call,
she did also informed me that her mom is
coming around to celebrate Salah with her.
I could still remember she told me her
mom keeps a copy of her menstrual
period table at home. Her mom knows
when she should be on her period and
Ady have almost completed the whole
Ramadan fasting uninterrupted by any
menstrual flow. The thoughts of what my
dad- “Old soldier” is going to do send
frozen shivering down my spine.
I picked up my phone, dial Ady’s number
off hand. The phone rang twice. She
picked it at my third attempt.
“Hello dear”- she greeted from the other
end.
“Hello? How is it now? Have you seen it
yet?”, I said, skipping the normal free
night call ritual of prolong pleasantries
spiced with carefully selected romantic
dictions and other passion inducing |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by Drhenrysaint(m): 1:20pm On Jul 26, 2015 |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by yahoocrawler: 1:34pm On Jul 26, 2015 |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by yahoocrawler: 1:35pm On Jul 26, 2015 |
More episodes coming... 2 Likes |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by DonSion(m): 10:39pm On Jul 26, 2015 |
Bros nawoo...you 4 complete the gist naaa.. |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by yahoocrawler: 10:43pm On Jul 26, 2015 |
She giggled, unleashing that sweet
laughter that sedates me whenever my
anger mode activates. I tried sounding
serious but the anger in me was refusing
refueling.
“You mean you don’t know what I’m
saying. Haven’t you seen your monthly
visitor yet”- I tried speaking in parable.
“visitor bawo?! , Mum is not coming until
Salah now..I’m not expecting any visitor
now or are you sending someone to come
pick me this morning “- Ady replied, trying
to doose the already tensed atmosphere.
This is one of what I love about Ady. A
witty girl with romantic sense of humour.
But I’m not in any mood for jokes. Our
future is at stake here and she is still
trying to hang us on the line. With her dad
and all his Abuja connection, I’m staring at
forever in Kirikiri maximum prison. Ever
since this issue happened, I’ve graduated
from being a normal person to becoming
a seer, a doomed prophet . All I see is my
head being guillotined.
“Ady” I managed to utter with my
trademark diplomatic voice. “Have you
seen your monthly period? Ramadan is
almost twenty-seven days and you’re still
fasting. what do you think is wrong”
“Ehn, Femi. I haven’t seen it yet oooo. The
symptoms are there. I’m just expecting the
blood to come. it’s a matter of time.
Moreover, the normal days count would
have been over by now. you need not
worry”
“I’m scared oooo. I’m scared to the bone.
You know your mum is coming in three or
four days time. What are we gonna do
now”
“You ehn! why are you eager to see blood
sef? You are now deputizing for my mum
abi. calculating my period. Moreover, my
menses always come with this
excruciating pain. I’d been glad to miss it
for some days”
Ah! I felt like exploding in fear. Fear had
gripped me so tight to it was milking
sweats out of my body. My head was
pounding and my eyes were getting
blurry. I felt like the globe was rolling anti-
clockwise on my back. I could see Old
soldier’s face, smiling at the suffering I’ll
face when all this secret come to light.
“You know the implication of this ” I
asked, trying to feign a manliness that was
long buried in my trembling voice. I
cleared my voice and decided to speak in
slow tempo.
“Yes now. what else could it mean than I
am pregnant and you are the lucky guy or
would you deny me?”- Ady replied
childishly.
My head was now really pounding. I felt
like Ady just hanged me with an abortion
belt and she is determined to see me take
a free ride smoothly to hell.
“Ady baby! You are mere sixteen and you
are looking forward to becoming Mrs
Tunde. Isn’t it too early ” I asked, trying to
press her moral button.
“Scholar Femi! upon everything you know,
You’re still acting like you don’t know how
much I love you and how I wish eternity
could come and glue us together, forever ”
she said, ending her statements with her
usual loud smile.
I’m puzzled. I can’t understand this girl
anymore. I’m barely twenty and you are
talking of eternity. I’d spent half of those
years catering for my aged grandmother
before JAMB finally liberated me from the
bondage. Yeah, I love you. Loving
someone doesn’t mean you’re planning to
spend eternity loving them. We all need a
break. Moreover I’m too young to start
seeking for Miss Right now. I still have two
years to go. Two new session with new
chicks with succubus faces.
“What of Shola? What will she say? ” I
raised another question, trying to remind
her that a month ago, I was dating her
best friend. Trying to trigger the reality
button in her cupid-arrow-pieced heart.
“Don’t you think this will be too complex?
How will we explain this now? How will I
explain us to those friends I lied to that
you’re my niece? Are you trying to
destroy us? “
For the record, Shola is my Ex and Ady’s
best friend. A stubborn lazy girl. All she
cares about was delegating her
assignments and school work to me. We
were hooked up by this same Adiza. A
month ago she was begging me to recind
my stance of breaking up with Shola,
telling me how the future look too bright if
only I can take a second look. How swift
time change.
“Now you are bringing the past into this.
Now you care about how Shola feel. You
fucking don’t mind to ask what I’m going
through here. You think I’m the one who’s
supposed to act strong. I never told you
I’m pregnant, all I said was, I haven’t seen
my period yet. Does that necessarily mean
I’m pregnant. You are there fidgeting like a
cow sentenced to an hour in the cleaner”
Ady ranted .
“Moreover I wasn’t the one that invited
you to party. I didn’t served you those
Whisky. I didn’t locked you outta your
house and I shouldn’t be the one bearing
the brunt of the blame game now. it’s my
period, it’s not a Gulder ultimate search. I’ll
find a way out of this myself. Stay outta
my ear” Ady finally hanged the call.
I stood there puzzled. I was still holding
the phone to my ear hoping I had say
something when Addy was expressing
herself out of frustration. She’d spoke so
fast to the extent that her voice got stuck
in my head, constantly replaying. That’s
the first time she’s doing that. I guess she
must be really pissed off by my
childishness. I felt bad myself. Methink this
is the first time Ady have spoken for long
uninterrupted by her favorite quote “Am I
correct?” I know I’m annoying but I never
thought I’d climax into this super
annoying status.
I guess Ady is damned sure she’s right. I
just behave like an asshole. I stared at the
wall clock. Two a.m. I need to complete my
nafilat before 3am so that I can have
enough time to eat my breakfast. I tried
reading the prayer book but the new twist
in my pregnant saga was robbing me of
the slightest grain of concentration. I need
to apologize to Ady. This is a time we can’t
afford any misunderstanding.
I decided to text her, maybe that will
dooze her anger. I checked my call credit.
102 naira. if I call her now, I won’t be able
to continue our free night call. I concluded
to risk it. if I don’t apologize now, they
might be nothing to return to discuss later.
I have to conjure an impressive text that
will inspire her to call me back.
After about ten minutes of mental
exercise, I finally send her a message.
Hoping it’s impressive enough to placate
Ady’s temper. Twenty minutes later, she
didn’t call me. I wonder what is happening.
what is wrong with this girl?
I finally decided to call her. let me sacrifice
my remaining 97 naira to resolve this
issue. I dialed her number and she picked.
I heard a weakened voice from the other
end, “Hello Femi, I can’t find my inhaler “-
her voice fades out.
“Hello, hello! “- I screamed into my phone
mouth piece, trying to figure out the
situation on ground.
I guess Ady is having an asthma attack.
Look at what I’ve caused. I’m about to
have someone’s blood on my neck and I
don’t have any of her housemates’
number.
I checked my wallet, I still have her spare
key. I stared at my phone, it’s 2:30. Ady’s
hostel is 20 minutes walk from my lodge.
Time to act the hero. but I’m no hero. I
could still remember vividly tales, myth
and warning given to us in our
sophomore year about fierce looking
vigilante that protect the all female hostel
that Ady reside. I stood up, belt my
trousers and head for the corridor with
my phone and wallet clasp in one hand.
I’m sneaking out. And I better not let my
landlord know.
I tried opening the main door but it was
making a squeaky sound that I feared
would soon arose my landlord. I tried
squeezing my body into the little space
but I still couldn’t pass through. It was like
a camel trying to pass through the eye of
a niddle. I decided to open it wider. it gave
out a loud squeak that was reciprocated
by another loud masculine voice from the
corridor.
“Tani yen?! Who is that? “
My brain froze. My heartbeat rose like the
volume of an LG woofer while my mind
haggle with my mouth on the next tenable
lie I could utter. |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by yahoocrawler: 10:44pm On Jul 26, 2015 |
Sorry guys for late delivery but i need good comments to update the novel frequently. |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by coolsegun2002: 3:00am On Jul 27, 2015 |
I usually get bored reading anything more Dan 5 lines on nairaland unless it's from royver(very good writer in literature section) I tot it was a joke since its in d joke section so I read on....but I'm hooked...pls update... |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by yahoocrawler: 6:19am On Jul 27, 2015 |
coolsegun2002:thanks for the comments |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by yahoocrawler: 6:20am On Jul 27, 2015 |
I stood there trying to shuffle through my
lies directory in order to perfect the right
lie for this unplanned appearance of my
landlord.
“I said who is that? “- the voice shouted,
accompanied by a flip-flop sound of
approaching slippers.
I cleared my throat, “It’s me sir”
“What are you doing outside, it’s not 4a.m
yet”
“Yes sir”, trying to stare at my watch-less
wrist in order to escape the questioning
look of my landlord. “I woke up early sir.
So I decided to wrap up everything. I
might be unlucky to… to sleep off so I
decided to start the,… the.. “
“Start what? “- my landlord further
interrogate, flashing his torch light on my
terrified face. “How does that translates to
you opening the main gate. why the main
gate? What are you planning to do
outside?
“Ehn!” -I ran a finger through my hair. I
try calming my voice while I re-position
my stance. “Concerning that, I was
washing my hands when my room keys
attached to my wallet dropped off the
window. If it’s the keys alone I wouldn’t
have any reason to open the gate”- I lied.
My landlord gave me a more discerning
questioning look. Then he gave me a knod
to open the gate while he flashed his torch
to brighten my path. I walked to the
window. Take a look at my landlord then
pick a big stone then I dropped it in my
pocket. I guess Ady is destined to die
tonight. I walked back into the compound.
My landlord stayed back to lock the door. I
quietly trace my step back into my room.
“Thank you sir”- I try muttering before
shutting myself in my darkness governed
room.
I felt like a Zombie. My brain seems
drained of ideas. Am I just gonna let Ady
die like that. Oh my God. My trousers felt
saggy, I remember the big flat stone I
picked outside couple of minutes ago. I
laughed at my ingenious acting skills. I
picked the stone out of my pocket,
wondering what to do with it. I opened
my window. Yeah, concerning my
window, my room has a window with no
burglary irons nor window panes. Yeah,
I’m truly a genius.
I picked my phone, knot my charger
around my neck like a talisman. I picked
my cherished android phone and my ever
useful Nokia 108. I was wondering how
I’m going to enter my room after leaving
through the window. I unlocked the door
then place my CD player behind the door.
That should stop it. I opened the window,
hop down from the window and a silent
thud follows. I shut the window and it
made a loud bang.
“Tani yen for Christ sake “
That’s my landlord again. He’s definitely
not gonna see me like this. I laughed while
I made my way jogging through the
moonlit darkness. I’m going to Ady’s lodge.
I’m gonna be the hero. I can remember
Mum telling me when I was younger, girls
love their hero. They call them “charming
knight”.I’m a charming knight jogging in
the night to save my love. I gear up,
jogging faster like I’m running an Olympic
race.
I’ve been to Ady’s place before but
definitely not around this time. I can still
remember my first day at her hostel lodge.
Her flat was palatial. She used to tell me
she’s from a middle-class family. i guess I
have to redefine my family description, if
living in a flat with a twenty four inch flat
screen TV, a refrigerator and a screen-
touch laptop is her definition of middle-
class, Omo I guess I’m from the peasant
class.
There’s no doubt, I’m scholar Femi, the guy
blessed with approximately two Thousand
terabyte of unused brain space. I can
technically remember anything. Jargons
and everything. I remember she was
bathing that day I’d visit, Ady had rushed
down with soapy foams on her laps and
face while she used her towel to cover the
rest. I hate having to guess. Curiosity is the
gas that fuel my scholarship. since she had
soap in her eyes and she was only able to
open the door by divine intervention. I led
her back to her bathroom, rinse her face
then left her to finish whatsoever she was
doing. Ady’s flat is very decent, How I
wish Old Soldier can upgrade my status
this high.
I’d made myself comfortable, rehearsing
Africa History subconsciously. Ady came
into the sitting room, pleaded for keeping
me waiting. she asked what I would like to
take and I said anything. Yeah, the only
word you can say when you are being
asked by a beautiful lady cloth in a
translucent towel is “anything or nothing
“. She brought a bottle of Fayrouz pear
drink out of the refrigerator and a clean
glass cup. I constantly stare at the soft
drink like a gentleman waiting for a
reminder that the soft drink is meant for
me , I don’t want to embarrass myself by
opening the bottle cork will my teeth. I
guess she read my mind, brought an
opener then open the drink herself. I was
really enjoying the VIP treatment.
Ady was very comfortable with me not
minding the fact that her towel was semi-
soaked, after all I’m an Alfa, I’m Alfa Femi.
Her one and only crush. She quickly zoom
off to dress in her room. She said 5
minutes. I remember mum saying when a
lady says five minutes, then you have to
grab a pillow and take a two hour nap. I
miss mom and here is Ady making me feel
like I’m home again.
I was secretly sipping my served drink
when I unknowingly faced the flat’s room.
I couldn’t find Ady but I could see
everything going on in the room. The
mirror was reporting everything in a live
coverage. I can see all the reflection, it was
like watching Nicky Minaj on MTV,
everything was so clear. She already put
on a pink pants. I don’t know why girls
like pink. I find it hard to believe. I could
see other things. My eyes felt like popping
out of my skull as the gate of my mouth
open wide to have a taste of the leftovers
my eyes couldn’t capture. I didn’t bother
much about her face. I’d seen that
everyday in school. I fixated my gaze on
her chest, I could see those grape-like
erected breast. The thought of those fresh
fruits in my hands, one in my palm and
the other in my mouth. I remember those
days in primary school when I go to
school with water bottle. I’m gonna suck
her like a water bottle.
I was there. Reverring in my fatasy.
Something was beginning to grow in my
trousers. I guess this is getting
uncontrollable. it’s African History. We are
treating African History. The topic is
African Leaders. And it was Uthman Dan
Fodio that led the Algerian war of
Independence against the forces of
Adolph Hitler in 1992 during the beginning
of the cold war and this led to the break
up of Sudan and the death of Muanmar
Ghadaffi and the election of Patience
Jonathan as the first elected female
president of Liberia. Chai. What am I
thinking. Ady have formatted my brain
system. My memory needs anti virus
against this kind of viral thoughts.
“Stop there! Stop there before I blow your
head off” a roaring voice commanded and
my brain quickly re-programmed itself. I
was close to Ady’s house and this must be
the infamous night-watchmen, the
dreaded Vigilantes. I halted, trying to
compose myself while also struggling to
control my now sporadic heavy breathing.
There are three of them, two were my
age-mates while the third looked more like
their uncle. They also wielded “Shaka-
bula”, a locally made dane gun that’s
capable of firing one shot. The eldest was
wielding two Shaka-bula while the others
had lengthy koboko or horsewhips
wrapped around their waist. Different
Charms, black and red, and other rainbow -
like charms.
I know my running into this legalize
riffraffs is big trouble and my macho-look
will not help matter. I was wearing a
sleeveless weaved top with a black cap
and a black denim trousers. I looked just
too thiefy and street like. My sleeve-less
top was revealing my muscles. I look
macho. Ramadan have also made me
develop a temporary six packs in my
tummy. Hunger is not something good. I
looked like the perfect material to play the
role of any law breaker.
“Good morning sir”- I tried gaining
ground with my feigned British accents
while also defending myself diplomatically
while I try not to display any grain of fear.
“Morning thief” replied the youngest, “no
matter where you’re coming from or what
you have stolen, I’m glad to let you know
this is your bus stop. You will be cleanse
of the stealing that plague your lineage
today”
“Today thief even get manna, E be like say
today na im first operation and I promise
it’s goring to be the last” said the Eldest in
a pigin laden statement. “Where are you
coming from and what have you stolen”
About ninety lies juggle in my mind. All I
have to do is pick the perfect one to save
me from this current predicament.
“Daddy, I think he’s holding a gun and he
has a juju around his neck “- one of the
boys said to the eldest.
I guess it’s a family business. A father and
two sons policing the ladies zone.
“Sir, I’m coming from a Laila tul Qodri. I’m
just coming from a lecture sir “
“You are coming from a lecture and you
are dressed like this “
“Daddy, I think he might be one of those
Boko Haram “- said tthe youngest.
“Boko kini”.. I think this boy must be mad.
“I don’t know why this man pikin no get
better idea for head”- I thought in pigin.
“Where’s your tesbir? “-asked the
experienced father
“ehnnnn “
“who preached at the lecture “- another
asked
Before I could utter anything in defence ,a
sounding slap landed on my rough cheek,
smothering every pimples left on my face.
My eyes went blurry. I could see stars and
the nine planets hovering round my head.
Tears build up in my eyes. I tried
maintaining that manly look. my eyes
were spinning. The palm that slapped me
must have been greased with diluted
cement because the weight and the
effects was so itchy and painful.
“Kneel down there”
I comply immediately. I don’t want to
receive more slaps. The macho-man
dissapear immediately.
“Drop everything you have stolen”
i obeyed. I just kept obeying the
instructions not minding who is barking
them. I assume everything on me is stolen.
I dropped everything, including my
talismanic charger and the stone in my
pocket.
The eldest son picked my Android phone.
he was unable to unlock it.
“Okay, if this is your phone, oya unlock it “
Finally, a chance to save myself. I collected
my phone, draw the first pattern. it
echoed “pattern error”. I drew another
and the effect was the same. I heaved a
sigh. I guess I have underestimated the
effects of that slap on my brain.
I took my time. I tried staring at the phone
screen. My eyes were really blurry, I felt
like I’m seeing spiralling visions. I said a
little prayer. Draw another pattern.
“Attempt again in the next five minutes”
Another resounding slap landed on my
face.
“I told you dad, he’s a thief “
I could hear inaudible sirens blowing in
my ears. Am I dead? I’m really dead. I laid
flat on the floor. The vigilante close up on
me and pointed their Shaka-bula at me in a
more “self assured and ready to kill”
manner.
“Who are you and where are you coming
from “- the voices roar and echo in my
ears while I lay motionless on the floor.
The voice in my head whispered “Ady,
we’re dying together tonight”. |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by coolsegun2002: 7:15pm On Jul 27, 2015 |
U gotta move this to d literature section...dis is dope...im feeling u big time... |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by Nobody: 2:09am On Jul 28, 2015 |
OP, nah Chineke go bless you for this story. So sweet. |
Re: Is This The Best Nairaland Story? by estijaz(f): 4:46pm On Jul 28, 2015 |
hmmmmm,Op u nor try ooo,d site u gave doesn't contain d story,plz n plz,continue d good work u av started |
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