crackhaus:

Wrong!


Wrong!!


Wrong again!!!

3 wrongs and nothing to explain?

Umuchoke:

I'm sorry if you feel bad about my response. But, my dear, the African or Nigerian mentality doesn't allow a lady to have much say in her pre-marital affairs. They expect you to keep silent and let the elders do the talking. In some cultures, the lady is not even supposed to show her face when issues concerning her marriage is being discussed. I'm sure you're aware of that too

Not when it comes to my own marriage, nobody can tell me who to marry, I will marry who I want, if they don't like that, to blazes with them.

Umuchoke:

3 wrongs and nothing to explain?

You want me to explain to you why getting married to anyone without involving families is WRONG? Seriously?

freecocoa:
Not when it comes to my own marriage, nobody can tell me who to marry, I will marry who I want, if they don't like that, to blazes with them.

I don't think that's what he meant though... slow down.

crackhaus:

You want me to explain to you why getting married to anyone without involving families is WRONG? Seriously?

It's only common in Africa and that has ruined many chances of young couples getting married to whom they love. The sentiments attached to marriage is damn too much. And for that I say yes, they shouldn't be fully involved

freecocoa:
Not when it comes to my own marriage, nobody can tell me who to marry, I will marry who I want, if they don't like that, to blazes with them.

Lol! Alright then

crackhaus:

I don't think that's what he meant though... slow down.

What then did he mean?

Umuchoke:

That's why they should be kept in the second place. There would always be an "all-knowing" oldie in the background with unknown histories to tell

I'm pretty close with my folks, so I try to please them when I can. However, I'm not to be vicariously lived through as if they haven't already lived their own lives. There'll be times they're not going to be happy with my choices, and that's OK. C'est la vie.

I don't agree with that second place thing tho.

You were born in the wrong country bro. Next world if there is anything like that, try Europe that practice nuclear family.

Umuchoke:

It's only common in Africa and that has ruined many chances of young couples getting married to whom they love. The sentiments attached to marriage is damn too much. And for that I say yes, they shouldn't be fully involved

You lost me at 'it's only common in Africa'.

Is there a part of the world where people don't want to involve their families when they're getting married?

crackhaus:

You lost me at 'it's only common in Africa'.

Is there a part of the world where people don't want to involve their families when they're getting married?

Yes, in Europe a guy can fall in love with a lady, take her to court for marriage. Then ring the fam next day like "Hey, dad! I just got married to one Cynthia. Coming home soon to introduce her". Now that's how it's supposed to be, bro. Not first of all telling ur parents, who would in turn ask their own parents if they know the girl's people history. That sucks!

EnlightenedSoul:


I'm pretty close with my folks, so I try to please them when I can. However, I'm not to be vicariously lived through as if they haven't already lived their own lives. There'll be times they're not going to be happy with my choices, and that's OK. C'est la vie.

I don't agree with that second place thing tho.

You don't agree with putting them in the second place yet you admitted that there'll be times they're not going to be happy with your choices? That's contradicting

Umuchoke:

You don't agree with putting them in the second place yet you admitted that there'll be times they're not going to be happy with your choices? That's contradicting

Nah, its not. They raised me and made me who I am. They're not secondary to my own thoughts, desires, wants, and dreams even if the aforementioned undoubtedly wins out over their own at times. Their input, if any, may not always decide the endgame but its always valued and considered.

EnlightenedSoul:


Nah, its not. They raised me and made me who I am. They're not secondary to my own thoughts, desires, wants, and dreams even if the aforementioned undoubtedly wins out over their own at times. Their input, if any, may not always decide the endgame but its always valued and considered.

Alright, I get your point perfectly

Umuchoke:

Yes, in Europe a guy can fall in love with a lady, take her to court for marriage. Then ring the fam next day like "Hey, dad! I just got married to one Cynthia. Coming home soon to introduce her". Now that's how it's supposed to be, bro. Not first of all telling ur parents, who would in turn ask their own parents if they know the girl's people history. That sucks!

Is something wrong with your history?

its important especially if you're African, to know the family history of the person you're thinking of marrying.

Umuchoke:

Alright, I get your point perfectly

You know, I also completely understand where you're coming from. My parents don't like my man (the reason being sort of related to the one in your OP). My own father would not speak a word to me for months, and if you were someone who knew us, you'd understand the depth of that and the massive impact it had on me. If the relationship had been a flimsy one or the man any less the person he is, I imagine it would've fallen to pieces right then and there. There's been all kinds of schemes and 'drama' since, and its all very odd because you - and more importantly they - know they're being incredibly irrational but you work on them still 'cuz they're your folks. Its not the easiest road to take, but all things considered I def think it worthwhile enough. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, you'll know you tried. You'll know you weren't the one who threw it all away.

tpiander:


Is something wrong with your history?

its important especially if you're African, to know the family history of the person you're thinking of marrying.

There's nothing wrong with my history. And I agree with you that, as African, it's important you get to know the background of the person you're going to marry. But then again I don't think it's necessary because if you follow the protocol you might end up not marrying the person. Where there's true love I don't think family barriers should be given a chance to manipulate the relationship. You would just end up marrying someone u don't love just to please ur family. Your happiness is paramount. Take the case of Romeo and Juliet for instance

Just like one poster I'll be short in response.

NO! NO!! NO!!! I'll explain after you get married without your families.

Same thing i am going through now. I met a girl, we fell in love, after a couple of months, we agreed to marry. I did the necessary introductions, her family accepted, only for the eldest sister in the family who never visits the family home to start unnecessary hold up to my plans by saying that she was disrespected because my girl didn't inform her that i wanted to marry her . can you believe it? does she even have a goddam say in the whole thing? All the important elders already accepted and are even eager for me to finalize the deal, but this cranky elder sister wants to create very unnecessary drama out of nothing. That is after all the troubles i went through with my girl's brothers that i am confusing their sister, that because of me she ain't serious in school again and all sorts of crap.
Sometimes i wish they will succeed in breaking us up, and knowing my girlfriend is the type that might easily run away from home(she did it before) and will do it again if they refuse to allow me marry her, then let her brothers attempt to face me and say i was responsible for her running away, the kind hell i will put them through eh, hmmm.
I just wonder why we just can't be as simple as europeans or americans regarding these things. You meet a girl, fall in love, plan your wedding, then invite family member. If they come, good. If they didn't, that will surely not stop the wedding. Heck zoom off to vegas and have a casino type wedding. its your life dammit. Thank God both me and my girlfriend are the running away from home type(responsibly though), adventurous and full of life.

hope you are not a p.imp?

just asking, before some girls find themselves trekking through the sahara desert.

for Yoruba girls:

if you "marry" without your family involvement, don't say you weren't warned o.

Umuchoke:

Yes, in Europe a guy can fall in love with a lady, take her to court for marriage. Then ring the fam next day like "Hey, dad! I just got married to one Cynthia. Coming home soon to introduce her". Now that's how it's supposed to be, bro. Not first of all telling ur parents, who would in turn ask their own parents if they know the girl's people history. That sucks!

And you have been to Europe to confirm this is so

tpander:
hope you are not a p.imp?
just asking, before some girls find themselves trekking through the sahara desert.

EnlightenedSoul:


You know, I also completely understand where you're coming from. My parents don't like my man (the reason being sort of related to the one in your OP). My own father would not speak a word to me for months, and if you were someone who knew us, you'd understand the depth of that and the massive impact it had on me. If the relationship had been a flimsy one or the man any less the person he is, I imagine it would've fallen to pieces right then and there. There's been all kinds of schemes and 'drama' since, and its all very odd because you - and more importantly they - know they're being incredibly irrational but you work on them still 'cuz they're your folks. Its not the easiest road to take, but all things considered I def think it worthwhile enough. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, you'll know you tried. You'll know you weren't the one who threw it all away .

@bold exactly. It's always worth giving the best shot at least.

cronsberg:
Same thing i am going through now. I met a girl, we fell in love, after a couple of months, we agreed to marry. I did the necessary introductions, her family accepted, only for the eldest sister in the family who never visits the family home to start unnecessary hold up to my plans by saying that she was disrespected because my girl didn't inform her that i wanted to marry her . can you believe it? does she even have a goddam say in the whole thing? All the important elders already accepted and are even eager for me to finalize the deal, but this cranky elder sister wants to create very unnecessary drama out of nothing. That is after all the troubles i went through with my girl's brothers that i am confusing their sister, that because of me she ain't serious in school again and all sorts of crap.
Sometimes i wish they will succeed in breaking us up, and knowing my girlfriend is the type that might easily run away from home(she did it before) and will do it again if they refuse to allow me marry her, then let her brothers attempt to face me and say i was responsible for her running away, the kind hell i will put them through eh, hmmm.
I just wonder why we just can't be as simple as europeans or americans regarding these things. You meet a girl, fall in love, plan your wedding, then invite family member. If they come, good. If they didn't, that will surely not stop the wedding. Heck zoom off to vegas and have a casino type wedding. its your life dammit. Thank God both me and my girlfriend are the running away from home type(responsibly though), adventurous and full of life.

Imagine, the elder sister, not even the parents! Please don't give up. If the feeling is mutual, I believe you can fight it out with your girl. Marriage is eternity, and you alone know what's good for you. It's high time families understand that the best they can do is counsel or advise us. They have no right to dictate for us. Kids don't get married, only adults do and they should allow us exercise our right.
I wish you all the best, bro.

pickabeau1:


And you have been to Europe to confirm this is so

You don't have to go there to know. The media is there to tell us. Some even get married and have kids before informing their fams.

Ishilove Lalasticlala

Umuchoke:

You don't have to go there to know. The media is there to tell us. Some even get married and have kids before informing their fams.

Go to Europe then

Africans trying to imbibe European culture. Not again!!!
How would you feel as a parent, when a child you trained up with your sweat and blood, to disregard you in such a sensitive decision making situation? Please, kindly put yourself in their shoes, before making a decision. If you can accept same, then fine, you're absolutely right!

But hey, from experience, it never ends well. This is Africa!!!

Umuchoke:

Yes, in Europe a guy can fall in love with a lady, take her to court for marriage. Then ring the fam next day like "Hey, dad! I just got married to one Cynthia. Coming home soon to introduce her". Now that's how it's supposed to be, bro. Not first of all telling ur parents, who would in turn ask their own parents if they know the girl's people history. That sucks!

You are incredibly naive, young man.

When push come to shove, at the end of the day, that same family you refused to involve will be your refuge if all goes south.

When you marry into a family, you don't marry your partner alone but the entire family. The importance of investigating family background cannot also be over-emphasised.

Do they have any strange pattern in the family? E.g insanity, untimely death, poverty, polygamy, stealing etc.

Are they of good moral standing?

Is their spiritual foundation solid or they a family of witches and wizards? Lol

The point is you can't do away with family involvement when marrying because the person you're marrying comes from a family and was not picked from the street. Heck, even if the person is an orphan with no family, he or she will still have one or two people who they will take you to meet.

Are you even African? Cant believe I'm having to explain this

Ishilove:

You are incredibly naive, young man.

When push come to shove, at the end of the day, that same family you refused to involve will be your refuge if all goes south.

When you marry into a family, you don't marry your partner alone but the entire family. The importance of investigating family background cannot also be over-emphasised.

Do they have any strange pattern in the family? E.g insanity, untimely death, poverty, polygamy, stealing etc.

Are they of good moral standing?

Is their spiritual foundation solid or they a family of witches and wizards? Lol

The point is you can't do away with family involvement when marrying because the person you're marrying comes from a family and was not picked from the street. Heck, even if the person is an orphan with no family, he or she will still have one or two people who they will take you to meet.

Are you even African? Cant believe I'm having to explain this

You got lots of energy, like I told him. My explanation will come when he gets married without involving any of the parents or family.

Too much Telemundo and Hollywood

pacino26:


You got lots of energy, like I told him. My explanation will come when he gets married without involving any of the parents or family.

Too much Telemundo and Hollywood

Like seriously. Love is blind but na inside marriage eye dey clear

Ishilove:

You are incredibly naive, young man.

When push come to shove, at the end of the day, that same family you refused to involve will be your refuge if all goes south.

When you marry into a family, you don't marry your partner alone but the entire family. The importance of investigating family background cannot also be over-emphasised.

Do they have any strange pattern in the family? E.g insanity, untimely death, poverty, polygamy, stealing etc.

Are they of good moral standing?

Is their spiritual foundation solid or they a family of witches and wizards? Lol

The point is you can't do away with family involvement when marrying because the person you're marrying comes from a family and was not picked from the street. Heck, even if the person is an orphan with no family, he or she will still have one or two people who they will take you to meet.

Are you even African? Cant believe I'm having to explain this

My dear, I'm sure you're still a young girl but you just sounded like my old grandmother with her archaic African mentality! Why is it necessary that you carry out a thorough investigation on his family background before taking marriage decision? Where do you place LOVE, which ought to be paramount? Read my intro again; families are important but they have no right to decide your marriage choice for you. Take the example of the guy above who said the sister to his girlfriend is trying to stop their marriage. Would you listen to your sister if you were in his shoes?
Then again, I don't believe in witches and wizards but if I eventually fall in love with a witch she'd change because of me. That's love. I also know it's foolish to love a known armed robber but are you telling me you'd jilt the boy you claim you love if perchance you discover he's osu (an outcast) in his hometown? I think you have to glance over the statistics of divorce in Nigeria to realize how bitter a failure marriage really is. Most of them were manipulations of families