Been married for four years now and we stay in separate towns from my in - laws. On our wedding day, we had lots of gifts and we couldn't take them all cos of lack of space in our one bedroom apartment, so we left them at my in- laws. Each time we go visiting, I notice d gifts keep going down. I told my hubby n he promised we would pack all soon but we can't now cos no space. Two weeks ago, we were there again for a kind of party and I noticed it again and I brought it to the notice of my sister in - law and she said its her mum who takes stuffs from there when she has a wedding to attend. The mum says its her and an argument ensued. All these while, hubby was not around because we stay in separate towns because of job . So we(d kids n I) came in before him. When he came, he told his mum how wrong it is. Atleast they should seek permission. In the morning, when we were leaving, I jokingly told her to please keep an eye there for me n we sha laughed about it. When the argument was on between mum in - law and I, my other brother in - law got furious and asked that should better hurry n clear them all away. .

So we(d kids n I) joined hubby back to his base. When we got here, I realised that our AC and two stabilizers were missing, hubby called his younger brother who stays with him and he said he sold them when things were rough. Hubby expressed his displeasure so did I and he apologised.

I called my mum in - law who am sooooooo close to and told her that we should start thinking of how to help this BIL. He is 25 and very idle. Though spent four years in university but failed out. So he s really not doing much and to my greatest surprise mum in law got furious and said my concerns are fake and am only bothered that he is my husband's responsibility and I don't like it that's why am asking. All my in laws felt the same and she brought up d gift issue again n said stuffs like when she came visiting n I'll, I wasn't happy n I wanted her out. That was about two years ago. She was around with three of my inlaws and a house help n my two kids in a room and parlor for four months. Truth is at a point it became very overwhelming and I really wanted my space. didn't expect she would bring it up. Now am feeling very bad.

please married people please what did I do wrong and how can I right it? How can I make the relationship better.

I believe your hubby should be the one talking to his family and not you at all sis. The more you talk about the missing items, the more they keep having malice towards you..... And 2 years is a very long time to keep things in the house of another person, no matter how close, not much more in-laws. So my advice is, stop talking to them about the stuffs anymore, hand all the talking and notice to your hubby, he should be the one to take it up with them.......... Talking from experience from my sis-in-law!

She was around with three of my inlaws and a house help n my two kids in a room and parlor for four months

How where you guys sleeping?

Ehya



Be strong dear

K

THE PROBLEM HERE ISMONEY..

WHILE PPL ARE SUFFERING SOME POLITICIANS ARE STEALING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS. GOD WILL PUNISH ALL THOSE IMPOVERISHING THE NIGERIAN PPL..

OP, TELL UR HUSBAND TO MAKE PLENTY MONEY......AND ALL THESE NONSENSE WILL STOP.

nzeobi:
Did you marry their daughter on credit

EXACTLY WHY U GRADUATED WITH A THIRD CLASS...

Stop expressing concern about the brother if they will misunderstand it.
Just pack the remaining gifts to your place if they are valuable and find space to squeeze them in
to avoid further misunderstanding.
If they are not that valuable, over look it. They can use them if they so wish.

For some people their daughters-in-law can do no right. So you might want to stop trying too hard until they acclimatize to you and everything else will fall in place.

Concentrate on your husband for now. The happier he is, the more they won't have a choice than to accept your concerns as genuine.

Learn to pick your battles wisely.
Keep your opinion or views about your BIL to ur self and your hubby. Your inlaws can take criticism from their blood NOT from u, irrespective of how "close" you may think u r are 2 them.

Ad for the extended visits, make no apologies for that my dear. It's gone with the wind and if she's still angry, disregard those feelings. M sure she won't have felt that way if it was her daughter's home neither would she hv stayed that long in those circumstances. Make she take dt ish wt her son if she's still catching feelings.

With regards to the wedding gifts, I strongly believe that after FOUR years of marriage, any gift you haven't used you definitely DON'T need and cam do WITHOUT.
What do you think your in laws home is, a storage facility? If those gifts were at your parents place, I can assure you they will probably be using some of them ( it's human nature). It doesn't make ur reaction unnecessary nor does it make your in laws bad people, it's just a natural thingy.
So my dear, if you are bothered then pls arrange 4 those gifts 2 be moved elsewhere or give them out to couples who may need them or open a shop and start selling them or keep quiet and turn a blind eye as they keep dwindling because you clearly have enough with no real need for them having been without these gifts for over 4yrs.
Stay blessed and be wise Mrs

Smh it happened because you didn't define your boundaries and space. Even the elders say over familiarity breeds contempt.after 3months why didn't you pack your gift items.my dear comot eye and start defining boundaries

that's what happens when you are too unnecessarily close to mil and as per your bil you should have minded your business. When the mother and siblings didn't see any problem with him loafing around which one con be your own. No be everything eye see mouth go talk. You married your husband and not his mom and siblings. If his mother cannot deal with it then so be it.

Face your front and your children. EOD!

nzeobi:
Did you marry their daughter on credit

seriously... Are you sure you read her story?

Back to topic, OP I believe your husband should step up and handle issues in his family. Try to mend the r/ship with your mother in law cos her having grudges/keeping malice over you won't help your ordeal.

You should never have argued with your MIL over gifts, you should have allowed your hubby to handle it. Also, it's your husband you should have discussed your BIL's matter to not his mother. What you don't know is that she probably thought you were rubbing it in her face that her son is a failure or she's a bad mother. If you want to help set him up, it should be both of you to decide how to do so. I don't think you were wrong for showing your discomfort when your home was jampacked with people. Who visits for four months? I wonder how you coped through all that.

Our culture demands us to respect our elders and in-laws, your mother in law falls into both categories. Even if you're not wrong, apologize to her for peace to reign and choose your words when you're around her. You should also visit her often with gifts. You'll see positive changes with time, if not make everybody dey hin lane.

DDeliverer:


EXACTLY WHY U GRADUATED WITH A THIRD CLASS...

Is that all you can say

lacapine:
Been married for four years now and we stay in separate towns from my in - laws. On our wedding day, we had lots of gifts and we couldn't take them all cos of lack of space in our one bedroom apartment, so we left them at my in- laws. Each time we go visiting, I notice d gifts keep going down. I told my hubby n he promised we would pack all soon but we can't now cos no space. Two weeks ago, we were there again for a kind of party and I noticed it again and I brought it to the notice of my sister in - law and she said its her mum who takes stuffs from there when she has a wedding to attend. The mum says its her and an argument ensued. All these while, hubby was not around because we stay in separate towns because of job . So we(d kids n I) came in before him. When he came, he told his mum how wrong it is. Atleast they should seek permission. In the morning, when we were leaving, I jokingly told her to please keep an eye there for me n we sha laughed about it. When the argument was on between mum in - law and I, my other brother in - law got furious and asked that should better hurry n clear them all away. .

So we(d kids n I) joined hubby back to his base. When we got here, I realised that our AC and two stabilizers were missing, hubby called his younger brother who stays with him and he said he sold them when things were rough. Hubby expressed his displeasure so did I and he apologised.

I called my mum in - law who am sooooooo close to and told her that we should start thinking of how to help this BIL. He is 25 and very idle. Though spent four years in university but failed out. So he s really not doing much and to my greatest surprise mum in law got furious and said my concerns are fake and am only bothered that he is my husband's responsibility and I don't like it that's why am asking. All my in laws felt the same and she brought up d gift issue again n said stuffs like when she came visiting n I'll, I wasn't happy n I wanted her out. That was about two years ago. She was around with three of my inlaws and a house help n my two kids in a room and parlor for four months. Truth is at a point it became very overwhelming and I really wanted my space. didn't expect she would bring it up. Now am feeling very bad.

please married people please what did I do wrong and how can I right it? How can I make the relationship better.

My dear,
Make yourself useful
go get a job.
If no job, sell all those wedding gifts and start something for yourself abeg.

If for 4 yrs you don't use all the wedding gift, sell them and do something useful for yourself abeg.


If they want to quarell with you, let them. Life goes on. You can't please everybody.

Like some people have said, any gift you have not used for four years, you probably don't need. If you can, please forget about those gifts and move on.

You have shown concern and they think it's not genuine. That's not a problem. You just have to not let that bother you. If you still want to help your bil, just tell his brother (your husband)and stop there. With in-laws, you do what you can and don't bend till you break. Show them respect and be good but don't have sleepless night thinking about what they will say.With some in-laws, you can never win.

At least you are now sure that the 'closeness' was all an illusion
You need to realise that in-law is in-law .She's not your mother,he's not your father and they aren't your bloody siblings.They are your in-laws.When you understand that you learn that you have to treat them with certain finesse.You can't crack the same jokes you crack with your mother with her,she will take offence.You can tell your mother mom you are looking like a bat today Oo please try it with your MIL and see if you won't go with 10 rams for apology.
Know your place!!!!

Not your place to worry about BIL,he's not your problem unless you are burning money on him and he's constituting a nuisance to you directly.No need to do ajayi ,see where you have landed yourself because you want to do sister omoge concern.You don see am naa.

Your only responsibility to in-law is to concur with what hubby wants for them except its not feasible.Polite ,respect,helping hand when it's due and dazzit.Any other extras when and if necessary.

All this love her like your mother love him like ur fada no de work cos they cant love me like their daughter.No matter how nice and loving you are, when the chips are down they will pick their children first before you. Stop forming closeness and mind ya bizniz.You and your parents don close finish? You don open bizniz for your own broda and sister so?

I don't expect anyone to love me like their own mother ,that's a tough one to request from someone who doesn't know me from Adam. Love and respect grow with time.Let's just be courteous with each other and drop all forms of pretense.No need for eye service and ajayi work.


The gifts you are talking of highest plate,pots,tray,glass cup and warmers. Stop having heart attack about them ,consider them gone and start afresh.


Yes,some people have lovey dovey in-laws praise jah but your own no follow.

Dress yasef and move forward.Hope ya eye don clear well well.Good luck

In fact, i am short for words over that, almost 6 persons in two rooms?,na mad level i go dey o, seem d hussy is quite sluggish though, coz i will not allowa like 6 persons in my two rooms, will go get a short notice house for them

cococandy:


How where you guys sleeping?

Pls madam u hav gotten d best of advice from my able experinced members,pls seive and adopt.tell oga to get more proactive o, u too talk less and love more, u actually hurt mama, she kept it deep inside, thats human, even ur moma can do same,u must appologise pls. Try go get something to do pls,if d gifts will cause trouble,abeg forget them,o, hu knows y God hasnt allowed u to collect them into ur house. Kip loving ma

Jahblessme:
At least you are now sure that the 'closeness' was all an illusion
You need to realise that in-law is in-law .She's not your mother,he's not your father and they aren't your bloody siblings.They are your in-laws.When you understand that you learn that you have to treat them with certain finesse.You can't crack the same jokes you crack with your mother with her,she will take offence.You can tell your mother mom you are looking like a bat today Oo please try it with your MIL and see if you won't go with 10 rams for apology.
Know your place!!!!

Not your place to worry about BIL,he's not your problem unless you are burning money on him and he's constituting a nuisance to you directly.No need to do ajayi ,see where you have landed yourself because you want to do sister omoge concern.You don see am naa.

Your only responsibility to in-law is to concur with what hubby wants for them except its not feasible.Polite ,respect,helping hand when it's due and dazzit.Any other extras when and if necessary.

All this love her like your mother love him like ur fada no de work cos they cant love me like their daughter.No matter how nice and loving you are, when the chips are down they will pick their children first before you. Stop forming closeness and mind ya bizniz.You and your parents don close finish? You don open bizniz for your own broda and sister so?

I don't expect anyone to love me like their own mother ,that's a tough one to request from someone who doesn't know me from Adam. Love and respect grow with time.Let's just be courteous with each other and drop all forms of pretense.No need for eye service and ajayi work.


The gifts you are talking of highest plate,pots,tray,glass cup and warmers. Stop having heart attack about them ,consider them gone and start afresh.


Yes,some people have lovey dovey in-laws praise jah but your own no follow.

Dress yasef and move forward.Hope ya eye don clear well well.Good luck

Madam has spoken.

modelmike7:
I believe your hubby should be the one talking to his family and not you at all sis. The more you talk about the missing items, the more they keep having malice towards you..... And 2 years is a very long time to keep things in the house of another person, no matter how close, not much more in-laws. So my advice is, stop talking to them about the stuffs anymore, hand all the talking and notice to your hubby, he should be the one to take it up with them.......... Talking from experience from my sis-in-law!

Thank you soon much.

lacapine:
Thank you soon much.

......... You always welcome sis. Please do enjoy your home and dont let anything take your happiness away from you. Your hubby's mother is also your mother, my belief!

natasha:
Learn to pick your battles wisely.
Keep your opinion or views about your BIL to ur self and your hubby. Your inlaws can take criticism from their blood NOT from u, irrespective of how "close" you may think u r are 2 them.

Ad for the extended visits, make no apologies for that my dear. It's gone with the wind and if she's still angry, disregard those feelings. M sure she won't have felt that way if it was her daughter's home neither would she hv stayed that long in those circumstances. Make she take dt ish wt her son if she's still catching feelings.

With regards to the wedding gifts, I strongly believe that after FOUR years of marriage, any gift you haven't used you definitely DON'T need and cam do WITHOUT.
What do you think your in laws home is, a storage facility? If those gifts were at your parents place, I can assure you they will probably be using some of them ( it's human nature). It doesn't make ur reaction unnecessary nor does it make your in laws bad people, it's just a natural thingy.
So my dear, if you are bothered then pls arrange 4 those gifts 2 be moved elsewhere or give them out to couples who may need them or open a shop and start selling them or keep quiet and turn a blind eye as they keep dwindling because you clearly have enough with no real need for them having been without these gifts for over 4yrs.
Stay blessed and be wise Mrs

Chillis:


My dear,
Make yourself useful
go get a job.
If no job, sell all those wedding gifts and start something for yourself abeg.

If for 4 yrs you don't use all the wedding gift, sell them and do something useful for yourself abeg.


If they want to quarell with you, let them. Life goes on. You can't please everybody.

@OP -

1. Pick your battles wisely...

2. You appear idle...pls get busy, get something doing to occupy your mind and time

Dearie if you can just forget those gifts and face your front.( like you've been adviced)
Do not speak when they are discussing each other not to talk of when the topic is not open for discussion.share your toughts with your husband alone.they will readily forgive him but you? your roots never mature for that .
Overlook a lot of things.don't complain about them to your hubby; it may make him react on them, they in turn will accuse you.once he quarells with them over an issue concerning you, they will accuse you, he will also feel you are making them quarell.na so wahala de start o.

Chidoks:
Dearie if you can just forget those gifts and face your front.( like you've been adviced)
Do not speak when they are discussing each other not to talk of when the topic is not open for discussion.share your toughts with your husband alone.they will readily forgive him but you? your roots never mature for that .
Overlook a lot of things.don't complain about them to your hubby; it may make him react on them, they in turn will accuse you.once he quarells with them over an issue concerning you, they will accuse you, he will also feel you are making them quarell.na so wahala de start o.

Thanks chidoks. well said. NOTED.

Daughter inlaws & mother inlaws been fomenting unwarranted troubles for hubby since the days of abraham.
Women!!!! Una wahala too plenty, the points above aren't valid enough to cause problems between u & MIL, understanding is what is lacking....

But what inspired ur moniker?

Gbam Gbam Gbam. Discussion ends!

Jahblessme:
At least you are now sure that the 'closeness' was all an illusion
You need to realise that in-law is in-law .She's not your mother,he's not your father and they aren't your bloody siblings.They are your in-laws.When you understand that you learn that you have to treat them with certain finesse.You can't crack the same jokes you crack with your mother with her,she will take offence.You can tell your mother mom you are looking like a bat today Oo please try it with your MIL and see if you won't go with 10 rams for apology.
Know your place!!!!

Not your place to worry about BIL,he's not your problem unless you are burning money on him and he's constituting a nuisance to you directly.No need to do ajayi ,see where you have landed yourself because you want to do sister omoge concern.You don see am naa.

Your only responsibility to in-law is to concur with what hubby wants for them except its not feasible.Polite ,respect,helping hand when it's due and dazzit.Any other extras when and if necessary.

All this love her like your mother love him like ur fada no de work cos they cant love me like their daughter.No matter how nice and loving you are, when the chips are down they will pick their children first before you. Stop forming closeness and mind ya bizniz.You and your parents don close finish? You don open bizniz for your own broda and sister so?

I don't expect anyone to love me like their own mother ,that's a tough one to request from someone who doesn't know me from Adam. Love and respect grow with time.Let's just be courteous with each other and drop all forms of pretense.No need for eye service and ajayi work.


The gifts you are talking of highest plate,pots,tray,glass cup and warmers. Stop having heart attack about them ,consider them gone and start afresh.


Yes,some people have lovey dovey in-laws praise jah but your own no follow.

Dress yasef and move forward.Hope ya eye don clear well well.Good luck

Every marriage has its own unique challenges.

Jahblessme:
At least you are now sure that the 'closeness' was all an illusion
You need to realise that in-law is in-law .She's not your mother,he's not your father and they aren't your bloody siblings.They are your in-laws.When you understand that you learn that you have to treat them with certain finesse.You can't crack the same jokes you crack with your mother with her,she will take offence.You can tell your mother mom you are looking like a bat today Oo please try it with your MIL and see if you won't go with 10 rams for apology.
Know your place!!!!

Not your place to worry about BIL,he's not your problem unless you are burning money on him and he's constituting a nuisance to you directly.No need to do ajayi ,see where you have landed yourself because you want to do sister omoge concern.You don see am naa.

Your only responsibility to in-law is to concur with what hubby wants for them except its not feasible.Polite ,respect,helping hand when it's due and dazzit.Any other extras when and if necessary.

All this love her like your mother love him like ur fada no de work cos they cant love me like their daughter.No matter how nice and loving you are, when the chips are down they will pick their children first before you. Stop forming closeness and mind ya bizniz.You and your parents don close finish? You don open bizniz for your own broda and sister so?

I don't expect anyone to love me like their own mother ,that's a tough one to request from someone who doesn't know me from Adam. Love and respect grow with time.Let's just be courteous with each other and drop all forms of pretense.No need for eye service and ajayi work.


The gifts you are talking of highest plate,pots,tray,glass cup and warmers. Stop having heart attack about them ,consider them gone and start afresh.


Yes,some people have lovey dovey in-laws praise jah but your own no follow.

Dress yasef and move forward.Hope ya eye don clear well well.Good luck

...I like your posts for being as real as it gets,no fake sugar-coating or playing to the gallery..Jah bless you indeed.

Your mother-in-law was very wrong to have given out your wedding gifts without your permission. It is very wrong. It clearly shows she has no respect for you. If your gifts are not safe in your in-laws house no matter how long they have been there,where else can it be safe?
I remember my MIL called me a certain time that she wants to use my mortar and pestle that hers has gone bad. The mortar and pestle was kept in her house because there was no space in my house to use it. I had the smaller size of mortar and pestle,while the bigger one was with her. I not only told her to use it,I gave her completely. The mortar and pestle was specially given to me by my mum but I just had to let go. That's how it should be!

As for your BIL,its not your duty to get something doing for him. let your hubby handle it.

@ all. Thanks for your advice and contributions. Really so helpful. I have learnt a lot and would act accordingly.

@jahblessme: No be small Ajayi work oooooo. lol. Thanx dear.