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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / The Ngozi Jokes (4779 Views)
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The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 11:37pm On Sep 26, 2015 |
Please do not copy and paste my jokes without prior permission from me. Read and enjoy. Comments and critics are welcomed.
lalasticlala and seun, I think you should help us promote the jokes section too. 1 Like |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by ladyF(f): 11:42pm On Sep 26, 2015 |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 11:42pm On Sep 26, 2015 |
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Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 11:48pm On Sep 26, 2015 |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 11:53pm On Sep 26, 2015 |
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Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 11:55pm On Sep 26, 2015 |
[size=35pt] to be continued....[/size] |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by imoscoayo(m): 1:24am On Sep 27, 2015 |
this one no gud oo |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 8:13am On Sep 27, 2015 |
Episode Four. . Did I say it was Ngozi having her bath? Damn it. It was Mama Ngozi. That old woman. I spit because what I saw wasn't too good. Two sagged bananas and a dark body. I went back to the hens and observed carefully which I could grab without any noise. I found one. I quickly stuck cloth in its peak and removed it sharply. I took it to a safe place and returned to the others. I stole another one but when I was returning for the third one I saw Ngozi returning from the bathroom. What? I quickly went into hiding and I began to wonder. Was Ngozi a witch? Or, was I blind? I...I was totally confused but quickly forgot about that. I'd to complete the task at hand. . I stole all four and waited till night before I took them away. Early the next morning there were cries, lamentations and wailings from Ngozi's compound. It was about four stolen hens. I just made my face look firm and as an Igbo boy, I remained unperturbed. Mama was wondering why I was feeling unconcerned but I told her that's how I am. "I am not usually shaken". . Before operation indoor searching could begin, I was off to the herbalist's shrine with all four hens. The man was obviously furious. And this time, I was ready to challenge him even if he would threaten me. . "A day has passed. Why are you just coming? The gods are seriously angry with you" . "But the gods are yet to kill me" . "Yes! They knew you will bring more than three hens. Had you brought three hens, you would have died on the way". . Fear gripped me again. I gently placed the hens down and sat like a beggar. The herbalist look at me with pity and asked what exactly I wanted. . I sighed and spoke. . "Papa, there is this girl that always insults me whenever I approach her" . "Does she live in this village?" . "Yes! Yes!" I replied quickly. . "Hahahahahahaha! I know what you want. Take this ring" the old man handed me a ring. . "When you see the girl, touch her with this ring. Even if you can touch her mother too, you will have them on your bed". . Wow! Wow! I shouted with joy. . "Thank you, papa. If this works, I will surprise you" . "Yes, my son. I inherited it from my father, it works like magic". . I was overwhelmed with joy. As I kept walking, I kept admiring the magical ring. I was thinking what I would do to Ngozi. How I would slap her backside, blow trumpet with her bananas and practise those tricks I'd watched in those films. This is one of my lucky days. . I got to the road and to my surprise, I saw Ngozi waiting to get a bike. I touched my trousers down there and squeezed my natural endownment. I licked my lips and blew a kiss in the air. I put up the ring and went to Ngozi. . "Kedu?" . No response came. She was just looking at me like the Paris statue. I smiled and had a look at her big backside. I smiled again and I was ready to hit her with the ring. . She clapped her hands like all girls do. She hissed and turned to face another side. I smiled and aggregated my confidence. I moved closer and hit her gbam! . But I heard 'gbooooos' on my cheeks. . "See this mad boy. Stupid and foolish. He hit me! Oh! He hit me!" She was screaming loudly like she was addressing some people. Oh no! She was indeed addressing people. I never knew crowd had surrounded us. I was still looking bleak as a result of the slap. . Before I could regain my senses, another big slap landed on me. "Yeepa!" I screamed. . Then, blows, then another blow. Then, i received a kick to my butt. I was begging for mercy. . "Please, biko oooo, please oooo" . Like ten different blows were hiting me and when they were done, I was left alone but my face had added weight and my head had swelled like a doughnut immersed in flour. I cried like a sheep that just lost a lamb. . I picked myself up and decided to return to the herbalist. When I got there, I saw him untop of a house mending its roof. I looked down and saw the ladder he made use of leaning on the house. . "Oh boy! What happened to your face?". I looked up sadly and saw him mocking me. He laughed heavily and even said "ntor!!". I pitied him. He was on the roof and I was down. I looked at the ladder with a pleasing smile on my cheeks and what I did next is something you can guess. ************* watch out for the next episode 1 Like |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CivilzedTyger(m): 10:14am On Sep 27, 2015 |
Lolz Continue Nw |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Junaknoni(m): 10:43am On Sep 27, 2015 |
kakakakakakakaa............dibia dne dupe u................u dne enta one chance |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by san316(m): 11:45am On Sep 27, 2015 |
Funny |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 1:21pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by hfinest1(m): 3:27pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
I'm already engrossed in this story... lemne guess, you pushed d ladder down.... come continue ooo.... abeg Umartins1 |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 6:32pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
Episode Five. . I made sure the old man became aware of my next plan. Suddenly, he began to shiver. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Revenge is sweet. I forgot my swollen face and the beating I just received. There is nothing as interesting as this. I moved closer to the ladder gradually and gently removed it. . "Aaaaah! Please, don't do that. Please my son. Please return the ladder" . "Oh old man! Ha ha ha ha ha". I smiled and looked up at him on the roof. . I shouted very loudly, "enjoy yourself ooo. Mend the roof very well oooo" . "Eeeeh! Please my boy...aaaaaah! Please oooo. Biko oooo. Don't let me die aaaaaah!" . "That is where you will die". . "Aaaaaah! I beg you in the names of the gods". The old man began to cry. . "Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh" I laughed heavily. I was enjoying the show. . "Call on your gods to save you ooooo, foolish old man". "Why am I even still with you? Mtchwwww!" . I left the old man there. Before I departed, he was seriously weeping and begging and to make matter worse, there was no one to help him. Wow! What a very nice way to revenge! . I went home and immediately my mother saw me, she was startled. . "What? Mama why are you looking at me like that?" . "Eeeeeeeh! Emeka! Emeka! Wetin do your face, eeeeh?" . "Oh!" I smiled lightly and brushed my face through with my hands. . "Hmmm. Mama, it is nothing. I... I... I just..." . "Emekaaaaaaa! Mba! Mba oooo! There is something" mama cut me short. . "Mama, we were just hunting for honey and bees attacked us" . "Eeeeh eeeh! Emeka don kill me with lie oooo. Na bees make your face like this?" . "Mama. . . Ha ha ha" I faked a feint smile and continued. . "Mama, na those stubborn bees attacked us oo. See, mama, dem fit kill person" . "Ewooooo!" . "Mama, we ran so tey say our leg dey disappear from ground" . "Jesus! How you take commot from the forest?" . "Mama, na God do am oooo. I was just shouting the name of Jesus" . "Very good! You be my good pikin. Na to always dey call the name of Jesus. You hear?" . "Ah! Yes mama." . "Mama, biko, I'm hungry" . "Oh! Check inside. You go see eba and ogbono soup". . I struggled inside and lay on my bed. After a light rest I carried eba from the pot and was about eating when mama came again. Oh my...! Wetin this woman wan talk again? . "Emeka, you no hear wetin happen for village today" . "Ehn ehn? Mama tell me na". What I said was not clear because I had eba filled my mouth. . "Dem say one boy was beaten today for where we dey carry bike" . I jumped in dismay. "Ehn ehn mama? Wetin the boy do na?" . "Dem say he hit Ngozi and Ngozi come give him one dirty slap gboooosaaaa!" . "Eeeeeeeh! Mama? Na true so?" Men, I can't lie, I was largely uncomfortable. It was like someone was driving a 15-cm nail into my head. . "Hmmmm! My son. If you see the kind beating wey the boy chop, you go no say na goat suppose be him papa". . Aaaaaah! This is no longer interesting. I began praying mama changed topic and gladly she did. . "Emeka, you no come know wetin come happen now now?" . Happily, I asked, "no mama, I wan hear am". I had stopped eating. . " Dem say Iluha the herbalist don die". . Hahahahahahahahahahaha! My stomach was filled with laughter. ********************************** Watch out for the next episode. |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CivilzedTyger(m): 7:32pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
Lolz Wetin Kill Am |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 7:59pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
CivilzedTyger:You wan know? |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CivilzedTyger(m): 8:07pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
Umartins1:Sure I Wanna Know |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CARLOSZ: 9:01pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
CivilzedTyger: I guess he jumped from the roof and died. Lol |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CivilzedTyger(m): 9:19pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
CARLOSZ:Lolz I guessed as much buh stil wanna continue readng d story |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CARLOSZ: 9:26pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CARLOSZ: 9:26pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
CivilzedTyger:Getting boring |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by CivilzedTyger(m): 9:32pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
CARLOSZ:Lol it wil get intrestng soon |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Sleekey(m): 9:40pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
This is really a great story. Loving it |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Toyade888(m): 10:09pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
bros...I dey cry b4 sey dem no given me me beef chop 4 ouse.......I no knw sey turkey dey wait 4 me here #abeg kontinu |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 10:14pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
Toyade888: |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Toyade888(m): 10:35pm On Sep 27, 2015 |
Umartins1: no b ur teeth I dey fyn na ur write up dey my mind lolz |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 7:02am On Oct 18, 2015 |
Episode six . I burst out in laughter, I was unable to hold it within me. Mama was just looking at me in dismay, she was obviously confused. The Igbo tradition forbids laughing over someone's death and that was why mama thought I was mad. . "Emeka, you dey craze? You dey laugh untop person death?" . "Mama, no vex o. You no go understand why. That man na one useless fool". . Mama was obviously furious. She left me in great anger and disappointment. . I finished my eba and set out to the street. I decided to forget about the incidents of the day. I was going to catch fun anywhere I see boys gathered. Luckily, I found some old friends smoking, drinking and playing cards. . "Alugo, how far guy?". . "Aaaaaah! The Emeka! Na your face be this?" . "No ooo. Na my yansh". . I shook hands with Alugo, Izuku, Bunzu and Camara. We shared pleasantries and I watched them play before I broke the silence. . "Guys, I get one matter wey dey boil for my mind" . "Ehn! Ehn?" That's Izuku. That boy was dismissed from school at age twelve. He was said to be handling with a fellow student's private part in class. He and the girl were both fired from school. Bad boy! . "Wetin e be? Yarn boys make we hear". He spoke with smoke in his mouth like the Yoruba god. . "Na Ngozi ooo. Ngozi ooo". . All of them burst into laughter. . "Hahahahahahahahaha, na Ngozi matter dey worry you?" Alugo questions. . "Na her oooo. I swear." . Camara said to me. "Guy, you be mumu. You entered here and you can't take what boys are taking. You cum dey talk about Ngozi". . I just laughed. "See boys, I don't smoke nor drink". . "Jesus boy!" Yelled Alugo. They all laughed again but this time to mock me. . "Na all of you sabi". . "Mama go beat am for house na, una no know?" That's the smoky Izuku. . The mockery later became unbearable and I decided I was going to try a liitle smoke. Izuku handed one to me. Kai! It was thicker than I thought. I took the first sip and let out some smoke. . "Hahahahahahahaha. You don become man now oooo". All of them applauded me. . I was feeling proud and hurriedly took the second, third and fourth sip and let out a larger smoke. . "Chai! This guy sharp pass wetin we think oooo". . "So, he no be Jesus boy" . "Boy don grow from mama ooo" . I swear, I didn't know those that were talking. After I took the fourth sip, I felt my head trippled its size. My eyes became heavier and I became capable of the most scariest thing on earth. Suddenly, I saw everyone around me running. I didn't know why. I started running too. Luckily, I ran home but seconds later, I saw one old granny. I gave her a heavy knock and she fainted. I saw a giant. I was afraid of nearing him but I didn't know when I wrestled him till he fainted. And suddenly, I saw two black cats approach me. I tried to fight but they manage to hold me down. I still didn't know how. . About some hours later. My eyes became clear and I saw myself in police custody. Now I began to know what I did. . Here is exactly what had happened . The granny I beat was my mother. The giant I wrestled was our priest and the two black cats were policemen. . I swore I would never smoke again. |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 11:51am On Oct 18, 2015 |
* |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by ijobaooorun(m): 12:01am On Oct 20, 2015 |
Following bro .....nice one |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Umartins1(m): 11:42am On Oct 30, 2015 |
i am currently on a work which does not afford me time to continue this. I will find time out of my pastime to continue very soon. |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by Izecson3D(m): 7:48am On Oct 31, 2015 |
Lol |
Re: The Ngozi Jokes by PreshyG(f): 11:55am On Oct 31, 2015 |
Interesting! Emeka, try and get Ngozi o! Waiting for d nxt episode |
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