I've decided to delve into my jokes collection to bring out the most hilarious jokes. I'll be sharing some of them here and you can also contribute.

THE EMERGENCY PASTOR
A middle aged man met his secondary school mate at a fiiling station, they exchanged pleasanteries. The school mate was dressed in a french suit and was driving a hummer jeep. The man was amazed and asked his friend what job he was doing, the friend replied that he was a pastor and asked him to give his life toJesus for things to go well for  him. The man collected his complimentary card.


On getting home, he decides to be a pastor so as to amass wealth. Luckily for him on getting out the next day, he sees a vacancy for the post of an assistant pastor in front of a church. He immediately applied and the interview was conducted immediately.


The interview went thus:

The church: Give us your fullname, surname first.

The man: Brown, Peter Samson

The church: Give us a verse in the New Testament and give a message on it for three minutes.

The man: Turn your legs to one side, do not kill that insect for you cannot create insects.

The Church: Give us another verse before you preach.

The man: Twinkle, twinkle little star. How above thy,

The Church: ( Interupts) where can we find the two verses in the Bible?

The Man:The first one is in chapter Romans Verse John, the second is in chapter Romans verse Corinthians.

The Church: Before you applied forthis job, you must have been a worker in God's vineyard. Tell us the job you were doing in the vineyard?

The Man: Barman, experience, one year. I can carry four bottles of beer and four glass cups all together in my hand and none will fall.

The Church: It is okay. Come tomorrow for the result!

THE HELL ROOM
Mr Johnson dies and goes to hell, he is welcomed by the devil. The devil tells him that he will have to choose a room to spend eternity.

The devil takes him to the first room; In the first room, people are staying in shit up to their neck level, mr Johnson shouts No!

The devil takes him to the second room, in this room, people are staying in shit up to the chest level, Mr Johnson says " I don't like this room". They go to the third room.
In the third room, people are staying in shit up to the knee level, eating buns and drinking coffee & beer. Mr Johnson decides to stay in this room. The devil leaves him. As he wades into the shit, The Devil shouts  ALRIGHT FOLKS, COFFEE BREAK OVER! EVERYBODY BACK ON YOUR  HEADS!

I musta lost my sense of humour along with da luv, because I failed to see the humour!

Read it again

THE COURT WITNESS
A small town persecuting attorney called his first witness to stand in a trial, a grand motherly elder woman. He approached her an asked, "Mrs Jones do you know me?

She responded ",why, yes i do know you, mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly you have been a big disappointment to me, you lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind teir backs, you think you are a rising big shot when you haven't the brain to realize you will neveramount to anything more than a two - bit paper pusher.
Yes i kniow you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs Williams do you know the defense attorney?
She repied 'Why yes i do.' I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngstar too. I used to babysit him for his parents and he too have been a big disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a functional relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes i know him.

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, " if any of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt"!

THERE IS AN ANGEL IN THE SKY
There was this little boy who had this parrot, he was walking down the street when he came to a church, he heard a pastor yell out while preaching his sermon "there's angel's in the sky"! And a man in back of the church hollared back "you a mutherfuckin lie"! so the boy took his parrot & continued walking down the street, and when he passed he saw 2 women fighting, and one swung @ the other and the other ducked. The one lady told the other " If i wouldn't have ducked, you would have bleeped me up"! so the little boy and his parrot continues with their walk, they came up to the intersection where there was a cow in the middle of the road, backing up traffic, someone yelled out their car window " if you kick her in the ass she'll mooooove". so the boy decided he had a long day so he headed back home. the next morining the boy got dressed and took his parrot to church with him. he made it to church where he sat down to hear the pastor preach. the paster told the congergation, " i just want all you people to know, there's angel's in the sky"!

and the parrot yelled out " you a mutherfuckin lie!" so the pastor threw a bible
@ the parrot and missed but the bible hit a old lady and knocked her out.

the parrot said " if i wouldn't have duck you would have Bleep me up"! so then the ushers tried shaking the old woman to wake her, and then the parrot said "if you kick her in the ass she'll MOOOOOVE"!


VOW OF SILENCE
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He is allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him him in and ask for his two word. " Cold floor" he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, " Bad food". They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. " I quit" he says "Thats not suprising, the elders say "You've done nothimg but complain since you got here"

MISTAKE
An employee walks intothe office of his boss and says "What is the meaning of this. i have been paid N2000 less than what we decided upon'
The boss replies " I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid N2000 extra by mistake last month.

BAD BUSINESS
A man walked into a dress shop and asked the proprietor how business was.
"Terrible" he complained. "It's so bad, why i only sold one dress yesterday. Today It's even worse. How could it be worse asked his friend " Today that lady returned the dress she bought".

BEER SMUGGLERS
A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of
beer,
when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were
initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the
sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes
of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh
said, "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow
each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to
be whipped!"

The yoruba man thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was
done but the pillow lasted 10 lashes.

TheI Ibo man saw this and said: "Please tie two pillows to my back before
whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.

The Hausa Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "As you share the same
ethnicity with the president of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The Hausa Man thought for a second, then said: "Thank you, most royal and
merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the
strongest, toughest whip available." "If you so desire," the sheikh
replied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my back."


JOB REQUIREMENTS
Employer: In this job we need some one who is responsible.
Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job everytime anything went wrong, they said i was responsible!


Thats enough for today,

stale j

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

POOR GUY
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A REALLY BAD DAY
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Then this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drink it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says "come on man, i was just joking. Here, i'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.

No, it's not that. This day is the worst day of my life. First, i fall asleep, and i go late to my office. My boss outrageous, fires me. When i leave the building to my car, i found it was stolen, the police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and i leave it, i remember, i left my wallet and credit card there. The cab driver just drives away.
I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And just when i was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

man u are d boom. i like ur jokes keep it up, we will vote u as our best poster of the year in dis forum. thumb up for u

@peejee, thanks. U can also post ur jokes here.

The jokes are just 2 9ice.Keep it up,bro.

thans all ,am flatteered

Blind Man Inside Bus
Scene inside a Lagos Molue Bus,

A blind man entered a molue bus one hot afternoon, and no sooner had he been inside the bus, than he started to beg the passengers for alms.

A young school boy took pity on him and told the blind man to sit down at the back of the bus and he will endeavour to collect the alms on his behalf.

After going to every passenger, the school boy was able to raise 500 naira for the blind man, which he promptly gave to him.

The blind man thanked him for his selfless effort and the boy returned to his seat in the front of the bus.

Every passenger marveled at the way the school boy offered to help the blind man as they began discussing the issue amongst themselves.

Then the bus approached a bus-stop and several passengers got ready to alight, including the blind man. As the blind man got to the front of the bus, where the school boy sat, he said in a whisper to the boy's ears "Once again, thank you for helping me. By the way, na where you keep the rest of the money, especially the 100 naira note wey that tall man pay you".

BUS STOP DIALOGUE

Are you in the Army?

No. No?

No. Oh. , In the Navy then?

No. Hm. , Perhaps in the Air Force?

No. The Police?

Me? — No. Your father?

My father, what about him? Is he in one of the Armed Forces?

No. Perhaps your mother then? — I forgot the women.

My mother? Of course, not! Your brother or your sister?

What about them? I mean, any of them in the Armed Forces?

No. Then you must have friends in the Armed Forces?

No, I have no friend in the Armed Forces! You mean that you really don't have a relation or a friend in any of the Armed Forces?

No, not I. -
Then, for goodness' sake, take your foot off my foot!

BUSINESS MAN AND DOCTOR

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices rashes on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the America, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but decides, if it is common in America they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in New York.

The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"

The man replies, "Yes a few in Abuja."

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

A HUNGRY MAN
A hungry man was going along the street.

He got to a place and saw a sign board with the inscription "Eat as much as you can here, your grandson will pay".

The man went in and confirmed from the receptionist who confirmed the statement. The hungry man now ordered for series of food with assorted meat, fish, turkey and others. He ate and ordered for drinks in excess.

He drank excessively. As he was preparing to go, the steward called him and gave him a bill of 2,000 Naira.

The man was annoyed and asked "what the hell is going on here? What is this?" (So so big big grammar)

The steward answered "it is the bill of your fore-father which you must pay so that your grandson would pay for the one you ate."

(Awuuuf de tear belle!)

NAIJA MAN IN LONDON
I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account. This is my story,
It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We were suppose to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me.
Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French. I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo(my man) was trying hard to be British. After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI(Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status changed drastically, , I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on. I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over a 1000 pounds on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home. My downfall, Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know. I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I ate 8 before they pulled me over. They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, water please!

PERSONALITY SHOW

Toot, toot!

- Why don't you move your silly car out of the way so that I can get through?!

- Why do you shout at me? Do you know whom you are talking to?

- Who are you to block the way? Do you know who I am?

- My friend, if you want to live in peace in this town, you 'd better talk to me in a civil way!

- Look here, my friend, if you do not move your car, I shall get the D.P.O. to arrest you!

- You're joking. It's obvious you don't know to whom you're talking. — The D.P.O. had lunch with me yesterday!

- Oh yeah? He had dinner with me last night: so please move your silly car immediately.

- Look here, Mister, I don't know who you are; But if you don't stop your rudeness, I shall cut off your light for one month — I am the Area Manager for NEPA in this town.

- And I am the Area Manager for NTTEL here. If you don't move your car, I shall cut off your telephone. Both in the office and at home for three months!

Toot, toot!

- Hei! Who's causing the obstruction here? Move it! I am the D.P.O. and I want to get through!

The Waiter and the Presidents
Three men sat at a palm wine bar chatting away.

The half deaf waiter was impressed with the way the two white men and their black uniformed friend were spending money.

He asked them where they came from and what jobs they held.

The first white guy said
"Tell no one I am in the country but I'm the American president. I'm here to escape domestic troubles"

"Pardon?" said the waiter who struggled to hear as loud music was playing.

The president repeated himself.

Next the Russian said
"I'm Russian and I be the president of that great country".

"Eh?" said the semi deaf waiter and the Russian repeated himself.

Lastly the African who had on an army uniform said "Don't you know who I am?"

"Eh?" said the waiter.

"I be Head of State!" said the African in anger.

"Oh, I get it. You behead the state. Now is that with cutlass or guns?" asked the waiter.

"Do I look like a murderer to you eh? I could never behead our great State; cripple her economy – yes; but cold blood beheading, no!"

encourage him

ANOTHER NIGERIAN SCAM
Dear Sir,

I am Mr.Ahmed Usman, Manager of bills/exchange at the foreign
remittance department of Union Bank Plc,Federal Rep Of Nigeria.

I have decided to contact you through this medium based on a
business proposal which will be of mutual benefit to both of us if
treated with trust and confidentiality.

However,be informed that I discovered your person/company through
your country's trade and enquiry unit here in Federal Rep Of
Nigeria.During an usual Bank auditing,we discovered an abandoned sum
of US35,000,000.000(THIRTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS)in an account
that belongs to one of our foreign custormers who died in a plane crash.

Since we got information about his death,we have been expecting his
next of kin to come over and claim the money because we can not
release it unless some body apply for it as his next of kin or
relation as indicted in our banking guidelines.

Unfortunately,no body has turned up to cliam this money.It is based
on this that I and some other top officials in my department decided
to establish a cordial businees relationship with you hence my
contacting you.We want you to present yourself as the next of kin or
relation of the deceased so that we can release the money and
transferit into your nominatd oversea account for safety and subsequent
disbursement since no body is willing to come
for it.

If the money is not claimmed in the nearest future then
it will definitely go into the Government account as unclaimmed
bill and this is what we are trying to avoild,the banking law and
guidelines here stipulates that any account abandoned or dormant
for a long period of time will be deemed closed and all money
contained therein will be forfeited to the government treasury
account,now it is been speculated that the above money will be
transferred into the government account as an unclaimed sum on or
before october 2003.

I do solicit for your collabration in this business to present
yourself as the next of kin and this is occasioned because of the
fact that the deceased was a foreigner.

We have agreed to give you 30% of the total money for your
assistance,10% has already been mapped out to defray all cost
incurred by both parties in the course of this transaction and 60%
will be for me and my colleagues.

If this proposal matches with your inward intentions for success and
greatness,then you are urged to make a quick response indicating
your readiness and interest to participate in the business.

Note that this transaction is 100% risk free as we will make sure
that we do every thing in accordance with the Federal Rep Of Nigeria
capital control unit hence all modalities for safe business has been
put in place.Please treat this proposal as strictly confidential for
our mutual long term benefit.I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you for your understanding and co-operation.

Yours Faithfully,

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the

box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I , sold them."

NIGHTLY HITCH HIKING
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest township. Wet and in shock, he went to a shebeen and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and, wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern, wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the guy who hitched a lift, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

THE PARROT!

Piet was a bachelor and his buddies decided to give him a parrot for his 30th birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren´t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Piet tried hard to change the bird´s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.

He shook the bird and the bird got angry and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Piet put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and cursing -- and then suddenly all was quiet.

Piet was afraid he had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Piet´s extended arm and said:


-* "I´m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness.
I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

Piet was staring mouth wide open and astonished at the bird´s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when the parrot said:


-*"Sir, May I ask what the chicken did?"

THE AFRICAN VISITOR
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president.

When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him.

One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises , "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" , and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises , "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" , and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.

The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z , from the short-wave radio."