I've dated my husband for 5years but only traditionally married for 5 months. For most of our relationship we have had financial difficulty but always manage to keep our head above water.

I'm pregnant and have gestational diabetes meaning sometimes i get very weak so I've been unable to work properly, I am also a final year nursing student. The truth is 80% of the time it's me that bail us out of bad financial crises, my husband has not been able to keep a stable job for as long as I've known him and when he gets his fast money he lavishes it, he doesnt think of the home rather he thinks of clubbing, drinking etc. I never look into his pockets as i think its rude to count people's money but the minute he swindlea his money away he starts to count my money to fund his things such as petrol, club, hosting his family coming from nigeria.

And he has 5 sisters, his young ones are very ill mannered dont do house work or even say good morning. They all take turns throughout the year to come to my house and spend 2weeks to one month Including his mother though i can't complain about her because she's his mother even if she was the worst i can manage her.

None of the above has really bothered me until i came to the realisation that im going to be a mother in less than 18 weeks and i have someone else to care for that is more important. I'm starting to think this man doesn't really love me because when i was terribly sick before finding out about my low iron and diabetes i couldnt get out of bed but he never checked on me instead he would spend all evening and night out with friends and all day sleeping, watching tv and looking for quick money.

I decided to return to my parents and have been here for 2+ months. I am properly looked after and it's only 20minutes away, my so called husband never calls to check on me, he has only initiated phone calls twice and he's asked me for money both times for one thing or another. He has never called my parents to greet them or thank them, it's like he abandoned his responsibility, he openly tells me not to come back because he can't cope with my illnesses.

He's very dissmissive and uncaring but he is also like that with his own family. He never calls them. They're always begging him to call them or i beg him to at least call his mum. I always blame his upbringing because he grew up very entitled with everything handed to him, he doesnt know the value of hard work.

Now we're in a major financial crises because he decided to leave his job. We can't pay the house rent and i have no way of bailing us out because i haven't been active at work due to sickness. I have been looking for a way out but he can't even hold a conversation with me about it. The minute i say something about our current finances, he starts threatening me to switch off the phone and raises his voice (i equally raise mine I'm not innocent because I've had enough) I'm so fed up of him and even the marriage. I don't see how he can ever grow up and i feel like im dragging a dead horse.

Whenever there's crises he becomes very mean and he can't cope, I'm always the strong one and have to find money just so he can be nice to me, which sounds pathetic. He comes from a very good home but blames all his emotional problems on not having his dad in his life but i am not excited to see the kind of dad he will be for his own child.

I feel like i made a mistake marrying him. I have been as supportive as i can be, i dont rub things in his face, i always try and maintain a happy home but I've had enough! How do you fix a situation where you don't respect your husband anymore? I don't believe he deserves my respect apart from him being a financial burden, he's also a serial womaniser i just got tired of doing csi so i turn the other way. I am so fed up and spiraling into deppression the disappointment to both of our families will be huge I've never imagined having a child in a broken home. If this is worth fixing i dont know where to start because my heart is resenting him. How do i explain to people that im leaving my husband of only 5 months?!!!

Let me read first, BRB..

One of the most painful things in life is a bad marriage and I think that what you re in. In as much as I would like to ask if you didnt notice this behaviours before marrying him, the deed has been done and so it's of no use.

Its gonna take serious reorientation to help your husband drop his entitlement mentality. And I think that's where the problems lies. I am not a champion of divorce, but I think separating for sometime will help both of u. At least u can focus on delivering ur baby safely and he can learn to sort himself out within this period.

Hopefully he will come to realize he's been insensitive and selfish!

OP...this one is strong o!well u just av to pray more and again give him some space to grow up.I'm certainly sure he gon come around.
I pray God strenghtens u for me and also for a safe delivery...Just know dah u shall overcome waheva u passing through right now......Kossy & NL family loves you!

Permit me to ask. All the while you were dating him, didn't you discover all those traits? Or you're one of those who believe they can change a man after marriage, that he ll bcom responsible after marriage.
The sad truth is, I've seen guys like that and they'll hardly ever change, its either you embrace him like that or you take a walk. You talk about not wanting to have a child in a broken home, is the home not alrdy broken whether you quit or not? Or you think the coming of the child will make him change.
I want to belive you re still young, if you do not want to grow old before your time, you just have to take a bold step, as it is, you have got a job of your ow, which means you can take care of the child, and if the qualities about you have stated about yourself are as much as true, you Angel will surely come for you in no time. Until then, be brave!
Moreso, perhaps when you leave this guy and give him a cold shoulder, he might com to terms with the reality of life and change his ways, such ppl do not change except with bitter experience.

Babes eehh... This ur matter is strong!!

Just stay with ur parents let them take care of u and u will have ur baby in peace .
That man has not grown up and he probably does not love u

Serious issue but don't know what to say, just try and make yourself happy

Well, from your write-up, it seems you married a lazy man who has never really struggled for himself in life.

But I also blame you, because you noticed all these about ur man but you never really addressed it or grasped the side effects but was consumed by luv. One must learn to address such issues whenever in luv.

Well, the good thing is that marriage is defined as an ongoing negotiation by many people, so guess what, you can still talk things out with your husband. Work on that. Sit him down and talk things out with him.

My best advice? Print this your post out on paper and present it to your husband, After all, this is how you feel inside...

5 years I believe is enough to identify, redress, reappraise and rectify any issues in a relationship before marriage.... If I talk now u'll say I'm uncaring.
There is no point of crying over split milk.
I wish you well.

Madam, Let me Respond By Telling You That What You're Experiencing Is The Dark Cloud That Spells Every Marriage. Like All Dark Clouds It Will Pass. You Don't Sound Like A Praying Person. With That Attribute Absent In Your Life, You're In A State Of Tabula Rasa. A State Of Void And Emptiness .Fill In That Deficit With Prayers.
I Went Through Far Worst With My Wife. Alihamdulillah, It's All A Different Ball Game Now. Whatever Problem We're All Going Thru, Let's Deal With It Spiritually,Before Physically. Take A Cue Gurl. PRAY!. God Bless Your Home And Unborn Child .Amen

vfactor:
One of the most painful things in life is a bad marriage and I think that what you re in. In as much as I would like to ask if you didnt notice this behaviours before marrying him, the deed has been done and so it's of no use.

Its gonna take serious reorientation to help your husband drop his entitlement mentality. And I think that's where the problems lies. I am not a champion of divorce, but I think separating for sometime will help both of u. At least u can focus on delivering ur baby safely and he can learn to sort himself out within this period.

Hopefully he will come to realize he's been insensitive and selfish!

Thank your for your sound advise this is a very challenging time for me for the first time ever i cant cope emotionally, trust me im very strong but this is destroying me. I also know that without me he will end up either homeless, with terrible company or at his aunties which will result in a huge family issue, ive thought of telling his mum so he can return to nigeria for sometime or maybe i should buy his ticket to go i dont know because i dont have peace of mind. Him being homeless wont make me happy but his attitude and idleness doesnt make me happy either. we met as students and did that marriage thing he has indefinate so its not like he cant return. Ive given him all i can i have nothing else to give now.
you are right that i noticed these traits when we were dating but we were young he was a 24yr old post grad student from nigeria that didnt know london life i held on to his potential but he never developed from that rather hes destroying himself.

My advice is simple.
Stay with your parents till u give birth.
Find a job after ur delivery.
Go back home and nurse ur babies.
The adult baby u call an husband and ur child.
Do not let him impregnate u again until he bcoms responsible

90love:


Thank your for your sound advise this is a very challenging time for me for the first time ever i cant cope emotionally, trust me im very strong but this is destroying me. I also know that without me he will end up either homeless, with terrible company or at his aunties which will result in a huge family issue, ive thought of telling his mum so he can return to nigeria for sometime or maybe i should buy his ticket to go i dont know because i dont have peace of mind. Him being homeless wont make me happy but his attitude and idleness doesnt make me happy either. we met as students and did that marriage thing he has indefinate so its not like he cant return. Ive given him all i can i have nothing else to give now.
you are right that i noticed these traits when we were dating but we were young he was a 24yr old post grad student from nigeria that didnt know london life i held on to his potential but he never developed from that rather hes destroying himself.

Employ The Three "P's" PRAYER, PATIENCE, PERSEVERANCE. Not Easy But Achievable
BTW, Im Guessing You're Kenyan

For what it's worth,just knw that marriage isn't abt marrying a perfect somebody....we all had to learn how to adapt. Ur husband may be d worst out of d bunch but it's ur cross, pls carry it with d strength only God can give cos it's not easy....take a break if u may but try work it....most marriages are challenging during d first yr tho

lilmax:
are you high on Crack?

Excuse Me? Do I Know You To Warrant Such Formality. Pls Mind The Use Of Language. I Didn't Come Here To Be Insulted, But Rather offer My Own Quota

Your present state requires you to have peace of mind. In my opinion, remain with ur parents and keep praying hard for Gods guidance. For now avoid getting too worried about if u made a mistake or not. Focus on welcoming ur baby, coz its about u. Leave other problems tll when d baby is born. Try to find hapiness in those arround u. I wish u the very best

eherbal:
Excuse Me? Do I Know You To Warrant Such Formality. Pls Mind The Use Of Language. I Didn't Come Here To Be Insulted, But Rather offer My Own Quota

it's a question not an insult.... Now tell me what irresponsibility, disrespectful, drinking,clubbing got to do with prayer?

90love:


Thank your for your sound advise this is a very challenging time for me for the first time ever i cant cope emotionally, trust me im very strong but this is destroying me. I also know that without me he will end up either homeless, with terrible company or at his aunties which will result in a huge family issue, ive thought of telling his mum so he can return to nigeria for sometime or maybe i should buy his ticket to go i dont know because i dont have peace of mind. Him being homeless wont make me happy but his attitude and idleness doesnt make me happy either. we met as students and did that marriage thing he has indefinate so its not like he cant return. Ive given him all i can i have nothing else to give now.
you are right that i noticed these traits when we were dating but we were young he was a 24yr old post grad student from nigeria that didnt know london life i held on to his potential but he never developed from that rather hes destroying himself.

I an sorry about what you re going thru emotionally. However u have to understand the fact that people should be responsible for their actions. Thats one lesson ur husband needs to learn.

I will be the first to say don't involve others in your relationship.

But at this point, I think your family already knows what is going on. His mom being a mother should be able to reason it out on how you feel. Regardless of how you feel about her, you may need to involve her in this issue.

I hate to say this, but the friends he hangs out with need to be talked to by you, because they need to receive some serious sense. If he is not capable of taking care of his pregnant wife and financial responsibility, and he is out drinking with them, they need to know how his behavior is affecting you and the marriage.

This one is deep gan. All in all, regardless of his behavior, I can see your eyes where not as open to this side of his behavior. Now you know, your child needs a stable home and you need a stable mindset. Do you have a leader in the church who you can pray with? You need that. I know I have called you to involve a lot of people, but your case is that critical.

I wish you a happy home, there is still hope for him. I pray you have a safe delivery and your marriage is restored from the hands of the enemy.

Dat man is ur husband recognised in heaven so fix ur house, try to talk to him in love n pray also. Love his family too.




May God heal ur home.

eyan ole wa ki tie maba.speaking of which.......infact never mind

Why do u ladies love blindly like that? The most annoying part is u still don't wise up after u realize ur men are asssholes. Op forget abt that man for now. Sorry abt ur sickness. Save the little u can for ur unborn baby. Channel all e love u have for ur baby and ur self ryt now. Don't be worried abt ur husband, u have over pampered by apologizing anytime he does sumtin wrong so now he thinks u will do the same thing. Just ignore him till he mans up and take up his responsibilities as a husband

weve ignored eachother for one week now i wont beg him this time hes not a child. God will see me and my child through.

90love:
weve ignored eachother for one week now i wont beg him this time hes not a child. God will see me and my child through.

Actually it's hard to advise just listening to one side of the story but if all the you said are true then you got so much going on. So like someone said - 5 years is enough to know who he really was but you went ahead to marry him. If you didn't leave him when there was no legal bond now you wanna leave when there is legal bond and a child involved. If you are living outside Nigeria then 80 percent of men here are like that !!! So be careful you don't Jump from frying pan to fire! Make it work !!!

wasak:
Permit me to ask. All the while you were dating him, didn't you discover all those traits? Or you're one of those who believe they can change a man after marriage, that he ll bcom responsible after marriage.
The sad truth is, I've seen guys like that and they'll hardly ever change, its either you embrace him like that or you take a walk. You talk about not wanting to have a child in a broken home, is the home not alrdy broken whether you quit or not? Or you think the coming of the child will make him change.
I want to belive you re still young, if you do not want to grow old before your time, you just have to take a bold step, as it is, you have got a job of your ow, which means you can take care of the child, and if the qualities about you have stated about yourself are as much as true, you Angel will surely come for you in no time. Until then, be brave!
Moreso, perhaps when you leave this guy and give him a cold shoulder, he might com to terms with the reality of life and change his ways, such ppl do not change except with bitter experience.

Help us tell am. You walked into the pit yourself. U gat no option than prayer

90love:


Thank your for your sound advise this is a very challenging time for me for the first time ever i cant cope emotionally, trust me im very strong but [size=18pt]this is destroying me.[/size] I also know that without me he will end up either homeless, with terrible company or at his aunties which will result in a huge family issue, ive thought of telling his mum so he can return to nigeria for sometime or maybe i should buy his ticket to go i dont know because i dont have peace of mind. Him being homeless wont make me happy but his attitude and idleness doesnt make me happy either. we met as students and did that marriage thing he has indefinate so its not like he cant return. Ive given him all i can i have nothing else to give now.
you are right that i noticed these traits when we were dating but we were young he was a 24yr old post grad student from nigeria that didnt know london life i held on to his potential but he never developed from that rather hes destroying himself.

Then you got to remove yourself from this situation, anything else is SELF-destruction.

And stop worrying about his self-destructive tendencies. You need to save yourself first.

Captainswag225:
Why do u ladies love blindly like that? The most annoying part is u still don't wise up after u realize ur men are asssholes. Op forget abt that man for now. Sorry abt ur sickness. Save the little u can for ur unborn baby. Channel all e love u have for ur baby and ur self ryt now. Don't be worried abt ur husband, u have over pampered by apologizing anytime he does sumtin wrong so now he thinks u will do the same thing. Just ignore him till he mans up and take up his responsibilities as a husband

Love ain't there anymore, I am not sure it has ever been. Love feels good. 90love suffers.

Mindfulness:


Love ain't there anymore, I am not sure it has ever been. Love feels good. 90love suffers.

hmm, yeah. It could be that he married her to exploit her financially.

Captainswag225:
hmm, yeah. It could be that he married her to exploit her financially.

It doesn't matter. What matters now is that she learns that she deserves better, much better. Everyone does!

My dear, I will just say it is the anxiety of the fact that you were pregnant. oh no!!!! Let us count what you are into

1 you are a student: that could be challenging.

2. you are pregnant: you are intelligent sister.how do you even understand what the were teaching in school when another human is in you.

3. you are diabetic; Another thing that could drive anyone crazy.

Even the best wife in the whole world could loose her cool with all these.

Please I will advise you to stay with your parent alittle while and save up for the arrival of the new born baby because that requires much money. the nappy, baby food etc.
also try to put a stop to giving him money no matter how small. he will figure out what next to do.

Also I will suggest you stop worrying about him for now until you put to bed. then you figure out the next step to follow

As for your man, he needed more orientation. alot of guys forgets easily that they were no longer single but married. hence they bring the drinking and clubbing attitude into their matrimonial homes

it takes a little while for some to put on that "married man" hat on.be patient Please and don't be in a hurry to live your man. you have already invested a lot in that relationship. Every married woman will always tell you that the first one year of marriage is the toughest. you dated for 5 year and married legally for few months. so chill. it will be alright.