damiso:
This hubby is being a bit harsh naa, what if the contraception failed? I have an older friend who just discovered she is pregnant while on an IUD(her youngest is 13). Believe me ,I started binding and casting any statistical percentage on contraception failures when I heard


That said wifey needed to learn the lesson that agreements between a couple are not meant to be ratified or changed by any 3rd party especially without the other parties knowledge.very wrong. Also wrong that cheating is his preferred pay back tactic. I guess we deal with betrayal in different ways but at the end of the day she is still carrying his child.

They BOTH need to have long heart to heart talks to move on from this.

Naija mothers and 'born ''born'. I remember my mums prayers in my first year of marriage laughing and shaking my head. And the incredulous look on some faces when I say me and hubby want no more kids. My mum even says 'so you are people are really serious about this jack and Jill business'

Mindfulness:


@bold

You want to create more hell on earth for this poor dude?

Onegai:


Your eyes have not cleared. You sound like this guy's wife.Because you are rushing blindly into something that will overwhelm you and like most Nigerians, are expecting positive outcome from lack of planning.

Sorry for insulting you it was this comment you made that made me angry. oya let me explain

Your baby needs to be weaned so you bring out formula and a bottle. Your child starts to scream because the affordable FrisoGold (N2500 per can) and made-in-china bottle you bought him and only wants Aptamil (N5500 per can) and Tommy Tippee bottle (N1190 per bottle). Until you buy the right formula and bottle, he insists you breastfeed him and so you find yourself awake every 2 hours (12am, 2am,3.45am...and by the way, he has to be held asleep pr he wakes himself up) like so until you get him what he is satisfied with. He finishes that can every month and poops through N10,000 monthly of disposable diapers happily. But guess what, most Nigerian men will not lie down beside you and help you carry the baby at night, they will sleep in the parlour and leave you to do it all by yourself and still go to work the next day, after having slept 4 hours in a 24 hour cycle. And the toll such behaviour and that baby will take on your marriage, your husband (a typical Naija man) will start hanging out at the viewing centre on weekends to avoid a screaming baby and you will one day cry yourself to sleep because you are so tired YOU CANNOT EVEN SLEEP. And we have not called Immunization money, doctor money, creche money, clothing money...

And that is the behaviour of a NORMAL baby. And you want this so badly because "your mates dey dia".

Nigerian people are not honest, they will never paint a clear picture because Misery loves Company.

This man's wife is a slowpoke. Two came together as One and made a plan as a team, he probably took his time to explain everything: maybe they need a cheap plot of land to build a block of flats to rent out and increase their income, maybe start a business, maybe get to know each other better in marriage (because children are the most dividing thing in marriage). Yet this idiotic wife of his went to listen to MiL and SiL (who will conveniently disappear when she needs someons to help her carry baby so she can go to market or will start grumbling that she should back the baby and go to market herself)decided to take their advice and deceitfully pull this stunt on her husband.

What next, they will plan another thing and the landlord's wife and the pepper-seller she calls "auntie" will convince her to go behind his back??

She screwed up royally and he is deliberately punishing her. She should go and beg, yes beg, and swear to never break any agreement they both come to. And delete all numbers till she is sure her stvpidity will not allow one friend from Primary School and that Uncle that never talks to her unless he wants something to sway her once she has taken a decision involving her marriage.

damiso:



But they need to talk it over. If he can't get over the betrayal as in ever,she needs to know,no? Besides there is now a child in the mix.

That's what you get when people don't understand boundaries ,she told MIL and SIL and then decided to connive with them as in seriously?

That said they need to talk it over for the sake of the child who did no wrong in all this.

Mindfulness:


I guess they have already talked about it but even if they didn't I am not sure he wants to. Anyway, she can try.

damiso:


The talking I meant was the way forward. Sometimes people are talking but not really communicating.After all the accusations,defense,apologies,etc they need to talk about how to move past it (or not) if not for each other but for the sake of the child.

That way she can decide if she needs to mentally prepare to be a single parent.

yomi007k:


The way forward is for dem to draw up a plan to manage the wife n kid(The house).

And for the man to abandon other previous plans.( This is his pain)


Like being a single parent is easy....but I'm sure at ds point if u pop it to d guy's head, he might welcome it.

EfemenaXY:


Because it's an interfering society. A society where outsiders deem it's their God-given rights to poke nose into matters that don't concern them in the least - especially marriages / one's marital status.

@Onegai - well said (about the @op/ wife). You know what gets me the most? People hardly able to eke a living for themselves, living in slap-me-I-slap you apartments, choosing to birth kids they can't look after under the mantra, "God will provide". This isn't even poor planning. It's no planning.

damiso:


Being pregnant is an emotional time for a lot of women and having to deal with a husband who can't stand your guts as well can't be easy.

Of course I know being a single parent can't be easy and I meant that in the worst case scenario..

However I still believe the husbands cheating was way overboard. So he would have cheated and felt 'conned into fatherhood' if contraception failed?


I am not making excuses for her behaviour (I believe in family planning ) but his using cheating as pay back.. Too extreme.

yomi007k:


Ur very emotional...I'm sure d wife wud need someone like u around her.

Meanwhile, d hubby needs a dude like me.

Mindfulness:


Adventurous, wild and crazy. FUN!

By the way, why is it that I feel like I can and want to work more on Fridays but hate the thought of it on Sundays?

damiso:


Emotional ke? Me I am just saying my own.

I personally can't stand living in limbo 'maybe' 'maybe not ''has he forgiven me' 'is he with another girl ' it's better to face reality and move on.

If the marriage will work they both need to work on the trust issues.

TooNoisy:
Summary is that the man is useless. Tell me what crime she committed. They said they will stay for a year, what if it was a genuine mistake. How can you tell your wife to abort a baby? Does he know the complications that can come from abortions?

He is just looking for an excuse to cheat. Like seriously, how does cheating solve anything.

damiso:


Being pregnant is an emotional time for a lot of women and having to deal with a husband who can't stand your guts as well can't be easy.

Of course I know being a single parent can't be easy and I meant that in the worst case scenario..

However I still believe the husbands cheating was way overboard. So he would have cheated and felt 'conned into fatherhood' if contraception failed?

I am not making excuses for her behaviour (I believe in family planning ) *modified* I also think she was wrong to do all she did behind his back especially as it was a jointly taken decision.

But his using cheating as pay back.. Too extreme.

bigeagleeye:
Bad breath brought to fore by the gas in the beer!
Her action was wrong but has only dug out what was already living inside of that young man! I pity them both!

veave:


I understand what you saying ma. However, I'd not agree to get married and wait. I see children everywhere and I just want to grab one like it's mine... can't wait to start a family honestly. I hear it's not easy but na my mates dey dia. Make I join them make we do the experience together...

Kimoni:
If the lady is not ready to give up on her marriage, then she somehow needs to find a way of knowing what's going on in the man's mind. What does he think of the whole situation? Is he feeling betrayed, unloved, and maybe even depressed? Has the incident truly in any way unleashed the beast in him? Or was he cheating albeit codedly before now?

I don't support cheating, I don't support abortion but I also don't support betrayal. That was the height of betrayal from the lady.

Two wrongs do not make a right, if they can both not handle the situation, they need to see a marriage or relationship counsellor (whoever that would be) asap.

EfemenaXY:


Because if you work regular Mon - Fri 9-5 days & hours, your Fridays will be akin to reaching the finishing line of your race.

You know that sudden burst of energy you get when the end's in sight? Especially if the journey was long & tedious? That's what I think you're experiencing.

As for moi, the Monday blues start kicking in from mid-late Sunday. Pathetic innit?

yomi007k:


Who told he hasn't forgiven her?

The issue is he has lost confidence n trust in her...

As for why he is cheating, only him can answer that.
But I believe he doesn't see his wife any anybody special anymore, he now sees her as an ordinary woman he is stuck with.

When bigger problems come up, d man wud sure know where to turn to.

Onegai:


Your eyes have not cleared. You sound like this guy's wife.Because you are rushing blindly into something that will overwhelm you and like most Nigerians, are expecting positive outcome from lack of planning.

Sorry for insulting you it was this comment you made that made me angry. oya let me explain

Your baby needs to be weaned so you bring out formula and a bottle. Your child starts to scream because the affordable FrisoGold (N2500 per can) and made-in-china bottle you bought him and only wants Aptamil (N5500 per can) and Tommy Tippee bottle (N1190 per bottle). Until you buy the right formula and bottle, he insists you breastfeed him and so you find yourself awake every 2 hours (12am, 2am,3.45am...and by the way, he has to be held asleep pr he wakes himself up) like so until you get him what he is satisfied with. He finishes that can every month and poops through N10,000 monthly of disposable diapers happily. But guess what, most Nigerian men will not lie down beside you and help you carry the baby at night, they will sleep in the parlour and leave you to do it all by yourself and still go to work the next day, after having slept 4 hours in a 24 hour cycle. And the toll such behaviour and that baby will take on your marriage, your husband (a typical Naija man) will start hanging out at the viewing centre on weekends to avoid a screaming baby and you will one day cry yourself to sleep because you are so tired YOU CANNOT EVEN SLEEP. And we have not called Immunization money, doctor money, creche money, clothing money...

And that is the behaviour of a NORMAL baby. And you want this so badly because "your mates dey dia".

Nigerian people are not honest, they will never paint a clear picture because Misery loves Company.

This man's wife is a mōrón. Two came together as One and made a plan as a team, he probably took his time to explain everything: maybe they need a cheap plot of land to build a block of flats to rent out and increase their income, maybe start a business, maybe get to know each other better in marriage (because children are the most dividing thing in marriage). Yet this idiotic wife of his went to listen to MiL and SiL (who will conveniently disappear when she needs someons to help her carry baby so she can go to market or will start grumbling that she should back the baby and go to market herself)decided to take their advice and deceitfully pull this stunt on her husband.

What next, they will plan another thing and the landlord's wife and the pepper-seller she calls "auntie" will convince her to go behind his back??

She screwed up royally and he is deliberately punishing her. She should go and beg, yes beg, and swear to never break any agreement they both come to. And delete all numbers till she is sure her stvpidity will not allow one friend from Primary School and that Uncle that never talks to her unless he wants something to sway her once she has taken a decision involving her marriage.

yomi007k:


Who told he hasn't forgiven her?

The issue is he has lost confidence n trust in her...

As for why he is cheating, only him can answer that.
But I believe he doesn't see his wife any anybody special anymore, he sees her as an ordinary woman he is stuck with.

When bigger problems come up, d man wud sure know where to turn to.

Onegai:

Wouldn't you come to NL and open a thread and all of us will start shouting "Nigerian men are useless! They never tell you anything, just be changing plans as if you don't matter! " then the male section will show up and be speaking long English (that usually is pointless and meant to rile up). Then one male poster will agree with the women and the men will insult him that he's a lesbian masquerading as a man and one female poster will agree with the men and the women will shout her down that she's a submissive idiot who has no agency over her life.

And that was just about money that you will probably make back and forget. talk less of a life-changing decision like a child.

They both have to work on boundaries and trust and honesty. It's no excuse but the husband is reacting like a human being: pained and flawed in his thinking. But she did this to herself, na she boil hot water pour am for her bodi.

dBard:


Speaking from a 'young in marriage' perspective, guys (married) face the opportunity to cheat on a semi regular basis and a lot of times, it's your Faith in God and the Trust of your wife that keeps u from doing wat you'll regret..cos, some lines are rather not crossed, might be difficult retracing ur way back.
I think the wife, by her actions gave him / took away that reason Not To...and now he's tasted d forbidden, how do you wean him off it

The wife was terribly wrong but the husband just horribly worsened the situation.

Lack of understanding in marriage is a terrible thing

Onegai:


The baby means a massive change of plans for him (which is painful) but he will be delighted when he meets his child. It is the conniving behind his back with his mother and sister that is hurting him. Nothing stopped her from going to him with her suggestions and saying "bae this is what your mum and your sis said o, should we rethink? "

Imagine you and your hubby plan Christmas trip and contribute money towards it. in August. Then in December, after you've packed, you enquire when you guys are leaving and he turns to you and says "oh I used the money to give my elder brother to start a business in his village because my father convinced me. I didn't tell you because I knew you would be upset but I'm sure you will be happy in the long run when you see him doing well, he will repay in 7 months' time". Won't you run mad? Wouldn't you come to NL and open a thread and all of us will start shouting "Nigerian men are useless! They never tell you anything, just be changing plans as if you don't matter! " then the male section will show up and be speaking long English (that usually is pointless and meant to rile up). Then one male poster will agree with the women and the men will insult him that he's a lesbian masquerading as a man and one female poster will agree with the men and the women will shout her down that she's a submissive idiot who has no agency over her life.

And that was just about money that you will probably make back and forget. talk less of a life-changing decision like a child.

They both have to work on boundaries and trust and honesty. It's no excuse but the husband is reacting like a human being: pained and flawed in his thinking. But she did this to herself, na she boil hot water pour am for her bodi.

Onegai:
@ujujoan, there is nothing wrong with wanting to carry her own child (like her fellow women). So why is she complaining, the husband is exercising his right to cheat like his fellow husbands na

Did you read the story? They agreed to wait (it does not matter if she did it to please him, she should have spoken up and said "I no want", others have). Instead she listened to others, made her decision and then without informing him, stopped taking her birth control (it's in the story). Meanwhile the unsuspecting husband was still there, planning for the future. She got pregnant, said nothing for 2 months (so the pregnancy would be viable and it would be more expensive and more dangerous to terminate it), then told him. Then got his family (whom he may not have wanted meddling in his marriage) to gather and do roundtable and browbeat him into accepting it (they even blamed him for not using a condom, when the only reason he didn't was because he trusted his wife).

In the name of God, what was she expecting to happen?

If this pregnancy ends up complications that require expensive medical treatment and since it was unplanned, he hasn't had enough time to gather funds, will you dip your hand in your wallet to assist them, since you are so understanding? If this pregnancy ends in multiple birth and the husband absconds, will you not be one of the first to condemn him and say "this is why people should not have children they didn't plan for"??

okay, so if someone made a plan not to have kids and his wife and family connived to overthrow it, it is his fault . If someone has children that he didn't plan for, it is his fault.

Moral of the story: it is always your fault, don't complain.

Do you know why that last line sounds familiar? because that is what we tell women when their husbands cheat: it is always your fault, don't complain.

Well whaddya know, we've finally achieved Equality for All Sexes.

Onegai:


The baby means a massive change of plans for him (which is painful) but he will be delighted when he meets his child. It is the conniving behind his back with his mother and sister that is hurting him. Nothing stopped her from going to him with her suggestions and saying "bae this is what your mum and your sis said o, should we rethink? "

Imagine you and your hubby plan Christmas trip and contribute money towards it. in August. Then in December, after you've packed, you enquire when you guys are leaving and he turns to you and says "oh I used the money to give my elder brother to start a business in his village because my father convinced me. I didn't tell you because I knew you would be upset but I'm sure you will be happy in the long run when you see him doing well, he will repay in 7 months' time". Won't you run mad? Wouldn't you come to NL and open a thread and all of us will start shouting "Nigerian men are useless! They never tell you anything, just be changing plans as if you don't matter! " then the male section will show up and be speaking long English (that usually is pointless and meant to rile up). Then one male poster will agree with the women and the men will insult him that he's a lesbian masquerading as a man and one female poster will agree with the men and the women will shout her down that she's a submissive idiot who has no agency over her life.

And that was just about money that you will probably make back and forget. talk less of a life-changing decision like a child.

They both have to work on boundaries and trust and honesty. It's no excuse but the husband is reacting like a human being: pained and flawed in his thinking. But she did this to herself, na she boil hot water pour am for her bodi.

raumdeuter:
They should divorce

The woman and the men are not meant to be together

Ujoan:


The punishment just doesn't match the crime!