Young woman, you are your main problem.

This is what you get when you believe a woman's place start and end with her husband. Will you please drop your senseless niceness and take your place. Your sister inlaw works and get paid but you decide to feel guilty for paying yourself. Your husband belongs to the group that stay indifferent on family issues but has not stopped you from you from taking your place. Act for yourself and stop waiting for your hubby or running from your from your sil.

All this get job, get job, how easy is it? Do you know that the experience and stipends from working in his shop can facilitate your getting job? Plus it gives you time for home and kids, helps your bead business.

Your sil is taking your place and you are running. God forbid your husband becomes ill or something you will be begging her for money. Even if you have your own job you should still be interested in it, Walk into the shop anytime and be respected. Forget about drawal position, work like its your own and pay yourself, when she goes for nysc, change things to your taste so that it will be difficult for her to have a foothold again. Dont wait till her nysc before resuming or she will pursue you again after service besides you might learn some business tricks from her. If after it you still want to get a job, do but not because your sil chased you.

cococandy:
She's just telling you that you have no place in your husband's business. As in she's the one who should controls what money comes in and goes out.

Better go ahead and be unsubmissive. Find that job or business or whatever of your own and earn your respect. P.S also start raising topic of your sister-in-law leaving your house.
Maybe from nysc she should move along and find her own niche.


There can't be two queens in one palace.

lol @ two queens. Let me quote my husband "she is my sister, i can't send her out because of you and I won't send you out because of her". I didn't even ask him to send her out.

EfemenaXY, let me start from the ownership of the biz. The biz soley belongs to my husband. He started the biz with settlement money from his master with little support from his late father which he paid back( father's own)-This is what I was told. During the fight, her two claims were that -(1)the shop belongs to her brother and that I'm only a wife (2) that she has been assisting him before now. It's either before her marriage or after marriage and before school, I'm not sure.
My priority now is getting a job. I have three kids, the eldest is 3+(I done shine my eyes, I no go allow them give me belle again, lol). No help in caring for the kids. I do it almost 100%.
No start-up capital for biz hence my desire for a job. I think teaching is my best option for now cos of my kids.

Things are still the same. Ever since he asked that I join and I refused, he hasn't asked again. So I am just observing and haven't discussed with him yet. I am no longer interested in the shop. Each time I go there (to drop or pick my kids) there is this bitterness I feel that brings tears to my eyes, and I want it to stop.
As for toiletries,he sells all-soap, cream, pad, toothpaste etc so I don't buy them. Even some kitchen items. Thanks soo much. I will be back to answer other questions.

@ bold, SMH.

So a wife is less than a sister-in-law?

I don't even know what to say.
If she had the guts to tell you that to your face, then you guys issues is bigger than the shop.

So if she doesn't marry she won't leave? Okay Na.

Do what you will. Goodluck.

oluafam:
lol @ two queens. Let me quote my husband "she is my sister, i can't send her out because of you and I won't send you out because of her". I didn't even ask him to send her out.

EfemenaXY, let me start from the ownership of the biz. The biz soley belongs to my husband. He started the biz with settlement money from his master with little support from his late father which he paid back( father's own)-This is what I was told. During the fight, her two claims were that -(1)the shop belongs to her brother and that I'm only a wife (2) that she has been assisting him before now. It's either before her marriage or after marriage and before school, I'm not sure.
My priority now is getting a job. I have three kids, the eldest is 3+(I done shine my eyes, I no go allow them give me belle again, lol). No help in caring for the kids. I do it almost 100%.
No start-up capital for biz hence my desire for a job. I think teaching is my best option for now cos of my kids.

Things are still the same. Ever since he asked that I join and I refused, he hasn't asked again. So I am just observing and haven't discussed with him yet. I am no longer interested in the shop. Each time I go there (to drop or pick my kids) there is this bitterness I feel that brings tears to my eyes, and I want it to stop.
As for toiletries,he sells all-soap, cream, pad, toothpaste etc so I don't buy them. Even some kitchen items. Thanks soo much. I will be back to answer other questions.

GHoJes:
Young woman, you are your main problem.

This is what you get when you believe a woman's place start and end with her husband. Will you please drop your senseless niceness and take your place. Your sister inlaw works and get paid but you decide to feel guilty for paying yourself. Your husband belongs to the group that stay indifferent on family issues but has not stopped you from you from taking your place. Act for yourself and stop waiting for your hubby or running from your from your sil.

All this get job, get job, how easy is it? Do you know that the experience and stipends from working in his shop can facilitate your getting job? Plus it gives you time for home and kids, helps your bead business.

Your sil is taking your place and you are running. God forbid your husband becomes ill or something you will be begging her for money. Even if you have your own job you should still be interested in it, Walk into the shop anytime and be respected. Forget about drawal position, work like its your own and pay yourself, when she goes for nysc, change things to your taste so that it will be difficult for her to have a foothold again. Dont wait till her nysc before resuming or she will pursue you again after service besides you might learn some business tricks from her. If after it you still want to get a job, do but not because your sil chased you.

You see the didn't end with my sil alone. After the fight, dh invited his elder brother to come make peace between us (sil and i). According to brother, "iyawo, a wife never wins argument over husband (sil in this case). and where ever there's peace between two people, one person must be suffering and I want you to be the one suffering. When you go the shop, join in selling after all its your husband's shop". Just like many of you here, he doesn't know how busy the shop can be. It's not one that I will carry a baby on my back and be going up and down attending to customers all day long. As to the issue of money, even if I decide to pay myself, I won't do it freely cos madam will be sitted right there and might know how much I took.
You see, I'm not running away from sil, it's just that during the peace talks, we were made to promise to keep peace and I know that this peace can only be maintained by my keeping away. secondly I don't like going to the shop again-it makes me sad.
And please I don't believe that my world revolves around a man

My okoro taught me that maturity is when you control the wheel of your relationship with people.To be honest with you,this issue is baseless.
You don't want your sil around...finish.
I read your first post,from seating at the drawer to blah blah blah.
I may not just get it but dear you are better than this...Love your kids and your husband,thank God for your family and get a teaching job.
Problem solved.
#candourme.

fem29:


Aww honey I don't know the name either.

But take heart dear . Gird up your loins. All what you are going through will make you stronger if you go into it with the right attitude. You feel let down by your hubby. People will always let you down because they are only human .

Please focus on how to get income now to avoid . Disrespect. A start is to advertise your beads in stella dimoko korkus blog . Make them affordable and you will surely sell. Also try to get a job. Teaching primary school? . I think this should simply teach you to expect less from people. Don't expect people to always be there for you.

Thanks soo much. I'll check the blog out.

@ richy4. Thanks. if he suffers much, I don't really care, I don't think the pain of betrayal I felt can be compared to any suffering his undergoing. I and sil are two important people in his life but do not occupy the same position in his life. I don't think he will feel good if I fail to protect him from my people. He broke the oath first. Don't forget that any day, any time, a man ought to be the voice of his wife especially in family matters like this. She's voiceless without him. He really failed me.

oluafam:
Thanks soo much. I'll check the blog out.
@ richy4. Thanks. if he suffers much, I don't really care, I don't think the pain of betrayal I felt can be compared to any suffering his undergoing. I and sil are two important people in his life but do not occupy the same position in his life. I don't think he will feel good if I fail to protect him from my people. He broke the oath first. Don't forget that any day, any time, a man ought to be the voice of his wife especially in family matters like this. She's voiceless without him. He really failed me.

Hang on like a fool now, wait for your sister in law to go to serve
As soon as she leaves take charge, completely make sure next time she comes you are the one handling money and don't move for her
She can start her own business
Some in laws do not know there place
Jobs are hard to come by hopefully you get a job

This is what happens when you marry into a family whose for members don't understand the meaning of marriage. .

oluafam:
Indeed my husband leaves no money at home. He sells most of the things we use at home. If I need to prepare soup/ stew, I had to write list of ingredients with their amount and give to him before money will be given to me.
As for the sister, she's only helping. Her reason is that it's her brother's shop and that I'm just a wife. She came around very early this year and has been waiting for nysc since then.
Joining him in the shop would have been a better option if I were getting anything to save- I just hate to remove money without his consent, it feels like stealing to me. Again joining him might not give me enough time to do other things-I make beaded jewelleries. nothing much is coming out of it yet cos I don't a place to display them but I give God all the glory.



Marriage is not a child's play sha

My dear, I believe the solution isn't as difficult as you think.

Why don't you make your beads, get a display/showglass and put it in front of your husband's shop or inside the shop where your goods will be obvious?

People can see your talent, and make their orders as they want.

You will at the same time be able to help your hubby in the shop, and also market your own goods without having to pay for a shop

Madam, it is time to dust your certificate, and bad as e bad, go and get a teaching job.

One thing my mum told me when I was growing up is that: "we are giving you good education so that you can stand on your own two feet".

Is it until they open their mouth wide to tell you you're unwanted in the shop before you will listen? Is it not better to gain 5 years experience teaching with your small salary than a saleswoman, no salary, unappreciated. At least you can still put on your CV that you spent 5 years teaching when a better opportunity comes up.

The truth is; your husband should have been the one to talk to her. Rather he pushed you to his elder bros to tell you what he couldn't tell you. You should be the one suffering abi? When you are in your husbands house and she is also old enough to be in hers.

There is an issue now of a man who died suddenly. Young, vibrant man o. First day, his brother drove away his car. Now brother and wife of the deceased are tussling over his benefits. The family has barely laid eyes on the child he left behind. His wife was pregnant when he died. No one gives a farthing about her and her baby. They are all just trying to cash in on his death. That is the world we are now in, where greediness is the order of the day.

See, you have to wake up, recognise your circumstance for what it is and take control.

I'm very sure you can't even take 20k in a month from the shop so what are we talking about? Won't it pay you and give you more dignity if you made it teaching?
You also need to give the childbirthing a rest. 3 children in 3 years, haba! Me ne? You can't say God has not tried for you regarding that. It is time to give it a rest and go out and get something doing.

EfemenaXY:


Morning Olufam.

Okay, having re-read your initial post and subsequent responses, I think I have a better understanding of your situation and I'll advice as a sister and a mother.

First of all, from the sounds of it, you married into a close-knit family. A very close knitted one and you will do well if you get along with all of them. Yes, everyone - including your sister-in-law. Secondly, your husband's business was up and running before you married into the family. See, you need to draw the line between business and matrimony. Don't get them mixed up.

When doing business, you have to be cool, calm, and calculated. Unemotional even. There's no place for tantrums or strops. Right now, your hubby's business seems to be what keeps your home afloat and also helps certain members of his family - your extended family - keep their heads above water, and this is inclusive of your sister-in-law. Look at it this way: he is the owner of the business and his sister (by way of her of skills and experience) is the manager / 2^nd in command running that business. Like she rightly mentioned, she's been in it for a while, long before you joined in. You cannot just just muscle your way in and 'promote' yourself simply because you're his wife. Mba, it doesn't work that way. You have to work your way up for this. This is a family run business and yes - even though your hubby has 100% control over it, he still needs his foot soldiers to keep it afloat. That business must be successful and have a good turnover, in order for you all to move ahead and progress with your lives, and in order for that to happen, you all need to work cohesively as one unit, and not as dis-jointed fragments.

Oluafam, what I'm going to tell you isn't going to be an easy read but you really need to take a good look at your situation and be realistic with your expectations. Right now, you've got 3 kids under the age of 4, inclusive of a baby whom you still carry on your back. That in itself is tough work. Your kids are still very, very, young. Babies even - and at this stage of their lives, they need you more than ever. They need not just the love and warmth of their mother close by, but they also need you to be happy. Children pick things up easily and are very sensitive to our moods. Not only do they need a mother whose emotional well being is "up there", they also need a peaceful, loving environment to thrive in - and you have the power to give them exactly that. For starters, you need to go back and make proper peace with your sister-in-law because whether you like it or not, she plays a multitude of roles there that can help you move forward. I'll explain.

She helps run your hubby's business so not only is she experienced with a lot of knowledge you can learn off her from, she's also got a lot of contacts she liaises with for your husband's business. If you're going to have a good chance of kick starting your own trade / business, you need a good, solid customer base. Potential customers need to know that they people they do business with are reliable and trust-worthy. You already have that solid base by virtue of your hubby's business, so you won't really be starting from scratch in terms of having to work at gaining their trust - not really - as the ground work's already been done for you. One of the fundamentals of any successful business is having a good KYC (Know Your Clients) in place. Every customer is unique and will have specific ways of wanting things done. Your sister in law is best placed to let you know the moods of these people and how they operate. For example, she could let you in on things such as, ah! Mama Bisi is a no-time-waster kind of person. If she says she wants X, Y, Z on Monday morning, it must be delivered come rain or shine at that time... or, Mama Ngozi is easy going...if we don't have A and B to give her, she won't mind accepting C and D.. or Papa Ali is one of our regulars and needs 50 crates of P, Q, R for his restaurant every Tuesday.... etc. Once you fully understand the different nuances of these customers you can then build on from there in marketing your own business as per letting them know, "Oh, by the way, I understand your daughter is having her traditional wedding - I do native beads if your interested..." and then you show them samples of your work. Even if they don't need your services right here and now, there's not telling they won't in the future. Or they may know someone who needs what you offer. D'you get where I'm coming from?

Secondly, you mentioned your sister-in-law was married and it didn't work out? Now it's no one's place here to cast aspersions as we don't know the circumstances under which she left, or if she ran away from a bad marriage - but that's beside the point. I'm guessing she's older than you too. Has she got any kids of her own and do they stay with her? If not, then try and understand that she sees your family as her family, and your kids as hers. Your kids (her brother's kids) are her nieces and nephews and she wouldn't do anything to harm them. You even leave them at the shop with her when you've got to be away anyway, so you must be comfortable with her looking after them for you. My dear, take advantage of the free childcare on offer here. You're young and full of energy. Why would you even consider wanting to sit down all day in a shop beside the tills (money drawers)? Are you an old woman? How are you going to get customers to patronize you if you don't go out to meet them? Let your sister-in-law do that while looking after your very energetic kids. Use your youth and energy to go hustle. I know you have that burning desire within you to carve something for yourself, despite having your hands full.

See, I like you a lot. You remind me so much of myself many, many, years ago. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. D'you know that when I was about your age, at one point, I was studying for my Masters degree full-time (Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesdays 9:00 a.m - 5:00 pm), working part-time (Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays 6:00 a.m. - 12 noon), had 3 kids under the age of 5 and was pregnant with my 4th kid? It was tough work, I won't lie to you but I got there in the end. I was the only one from my set who graduated with the full degree (so many people dropped out like flies), and yes, I paid solely for my course on my own, without any help. But I couldn't have done it all without the immense emotional support I got from hubby and my father in law. Even my elderly father-in-law (God rest his soul) helped a lot with childcare as both hubby and I were working. So the point I'm making here is that you've got family willing to help out with childcare at the shop - take advantage of it and use this foundation to see you to achieving greater things. That's what I did and that's how I came to be where I am today. So I'm encouraging you to swallow your pride and do the same too, girl.

I also noticed you're quite good with your written English. You communicate your points across quite well and I think this will come in handy with your desire to teach. What did you study at Uni? You could consider teaching English Language to kids private schools / teaching centres. You could also do some freelance Essay writing / marking. At least that's flexible and will give you the time to spend with your kids. I don't know how it works at secondary school level but I'm guessing you'll need some sort of teaching qualifications - but if you've got that, then consider marking GCE / NECO papers in English too. Again, market yourself for this the way you'll do with your beading business.

I see that you're still very much in love with your husband, despite feeling let down by him but use that love to achieve a positive outcome. I think your husband feels the same way about you too, but is trying to be fair to you both, hence him saying he can't send you away, nor can he send his sister away. Like I mentioned earlier, there is a decisive line between the business and home sphere. Two completely different entities. You are the queen of your matrimonial home. The madam-de-madam and no one can take that from you. Not even your sister-in-law (and I don't think she's interested in that or even interferes). That's your exclusive domain. But the "family run" business is a separate entity and for now, she's the second-in-command. So, I'd like you to work with her and this was what your brother-in-law meant although he could have put it less brusquely to you. You have an open relationship with your hubby (as per he tells you what he's doing and vice versa), so keep it that way. Don't entertain thought of being secretive with him. Let him know you'd like to expand the family business by virtue of your beading (and possibly teaching) but in order to do that, you need the funds for your marketing strategy.

Make him understand that you prefer doing the hustling / ground work but you'll also need to print out business cards /fliers / place adverts in local papers / radio or tv stations and you need the funds and allowance to do this. Have your own ledgers to show your running costs inclusive of transportation. Prove to him that you're also an astute business woman who can - not only hold her own ground, but is very good with expanding the business and acquiring more customer bases by virtue of her marketing and sales technique. Learn the gift of the gab i.e: "sweet talk people" and once you master that, you're well on your way to achieving this. And with the festive season in place, what better time to strike when the iron is hot?

So Oluafam, dry your tears, get up and get stuck in. This is a trial period for you too which you'll overcome. Your hubby did it. His sister did it. Now it's your turn. Take heart and all will be well.

Nicely said Efe

EfemenaXY:


Morning Olufam.

Okay, having re-read your initial post and subsequent responses, I think I have a better understanding of your situation and I'll advice as a sister and a mother.

First of all, from the sounds of it, you married into a close-knit family. A very close knitted one and you will do well if you get along with all of them. Yes, everyone - including your sister-in-law. Secondly, your husband's business was up and running before you married into the family. See, you need to draw the line between business and matrimony. Don't get them mixed up.

When doing business, you have to be cool, calm, and calculated. Unemotional even. There's no place for tantrums or strops. Right now, your hubby's business seems to be what keeps your home afloat and also helps certain members of his family - your extended family - keep their heads above water, and this is inclusive of your sister-in-law. Look at it this way: he is the owner of the business and his sister (by way of her of skills and experience) is the manager / 2^nd in command running that business. Like she rightly mentioned, she's been in it for a while, long before you joined in. You cannot just just muscle your way in and 'promote' yourself simply because you're his wife. Mba, it doesn't work that way. You have to work your way up for this. This is a family run business and yes - even though your hubby has 100% control over it, he still needs his foot soldiers to keep it afloat. That business must be successful and have a good turnover, in order for you all to move ahead and progress with your lives, and in order for that to happen, you all need to work cohesively as one unit, and not as dis-jointed fragments.

Oluafam, what I'm going to tell you isn't going to be an easy read but you really need to take a good look at your situation and be realistic with your expectations. Right now, you've got 3 kids under the age of 4, inclusive of a baby whom you still carry on your back. That in itself is tough work. Your kids are still very, very, young. Babies even - and at this stage of their lives, they need you more than ever. They need not just the love and warmth of their mother close by, but they also need you to be happy. Children pick things up easily and are very sensitive to our moods. Not only do they need a mother whose emotional well being is "up there", they also need a peaceful, loving environment to thrive in - and you have the power to give them exactly that. For starters, you need to go back and make proper peace with your sister-in-law because whether you like it or not, she plays a multitude of roles there that can help you move forward. I'll explain.

She helps run your hubby's business so not only is she experienced with a lot of knowledge you can learn off her from, she's also got a lot of contacts she liaises with for your husband's business. If you're going to have a good chance of kick starting your own trade / business, you need a good, solid customer base. Potential customers need to know that they people they do business with are reliable and trust-worthy. You already have that solid base by virtue of your hubby's business, so you won't really be starting from scratch in terms of having to work at gaining their trust - not really - as the ground work's already been done for you. One of the fundamentals of any successful business is having a good KYC (Know Your Clients) in place. Every customer is unique and will have specific ways of wanting things done. Your sister in law is best placed to let you know the moods of these people and how they operate. For example, she could let you in on things such as, ah! Mama Bisi is a no-time-waster kind of person. If she says she wants X, Y, Z on Monday morning, it must be delivered come rain or shine at that time... or, Mama Ngozi is easy going...if we don't have A and B to give her, she won't mind accepting C and D.. or Papa Ali is one of our regulars and needs 50 crates of P, Q, R for his restaurant every Tuesday.... etc. Once you fully understand the different nuances of these customers you can then build on from there in marketing your own business as per letting them know, "Oh, by the way, I understand your daughter is having her traditional wedding - I do native beads if your interested..." and then you show them samples of your work. Even if they don't need your services right here and now, there's not telling they won't in the future. Or they may know someone who needs what you offer. D'you get where I'm coming from?

Secondly, you mentioned your sister-in-law was married and it didn't work out? Now it's no one's place here to cast aspersions as we don't know the circumstances under which she left, or if she ran away from a bad marriage - but that's beside the point. I'm guessing she's older than you too. Has she got any kids of her own and do they stay with her? If not, then try and understand that she sees your family as her family, and your kids as hers. Your kids (her brother's kids) are her nieces and nephews and she wouldn't do anything to harm them. You even leave them at the shop with her when you've got to be away anyway, so you must be comfortable with her looking after them for you. My dear, take advantage of the free childcare on offer here. You're young and full of energy. Why would you even consider wanting to sit down all day in a shop beside the tills (money drawers)? Are you an old woman? How are you going to get customers to patronize you if you don't go out to meet them? Let your sister-in-law do that while looking after your very energetic kids. Use your youth and energy to go hustle. I know you have that burning desire within you to carve something for yourself, despite having your hands full.

See, I like you a lot. You remind me so much of myself many, many, years ago. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. D'you know that when I was about your age, at one point, I was studying for my Masters degree full-time (Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesdays 9:00 a.m - 5:00 pm), working part-time (Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays 6:00 a.m. - 12 noon), had 3 kids under the age of 5 and was pregnant with my 4th kid? It was tough work, I won't lie to you but I got there in the end. I was the only one from my set who graduated with the full degree (so many people dropped out like flies), and yes, I paid solely for my course on my own, without any help. But I couldn't have done it all without the immense emotional support I got from hubby and my father in law. Even my elderly father-in-law (God rest his soul) helped a lot with childcare as both hubby and I were working. So the point I'm making here is that you've got family willing to help out with childcare at the shop - take advantage of it and use this foundation to see you to achieving greater things. That's what I did and that's how I came to be where I am today. So I'm encouraging you to swallow your pride and do the same too, girl.

I also noticed you're quite good with your written English. You communicate your points across quite well and I think this will come in handy with your desire to teach. What did you study at Uni? You could consider teaching English Language to kids private schools / teaching centres. You could also do some freelance Essay writing / marking. At least that's flexible and will give you the time to spend with your kids. I don't know how it works at secondary school level but I'm guessing you'll need some sort of teaching qualifications - but if you've got that, then consider marking GCE / NECO papers in English too. Again, market yourself for this the way you'll do with your beading business.

I see that you're still very much in love with your husband, despite feeling let down by him but use that love to achieve a positive outcome. I think your husband feels the same way about you too, but is trying to be fair to you both, hence him saying he can't send you away, nor can he send his sister away. Like I mentioned earlier, there is a decisive line between the business and home sphere. Two completely different entities. You are the queen of your matrimonial home. The madam-de-madam and no one can take that from you. Not even your sister-in-law (and I don't think she's interested in that or even interferes). That's your exclusive domain. But the "family run" business is a separate entity and for now, she's the second-in-command. So, I'd like you to work with her and this was what your brother-in-law meant although he could have put it less brusquely to you. You have an open relationship with your hubby (as per he tells you what he's doing and vice versa), so keep it that way. Don't entertain thought of being secretive with him. Let him know you'd like to expand the family business by virtue of your beading (and possibly teaching) but in order to do that, you need the funds for your marketing strategy.

Make him understand that you prefer doing the hustling / ground work but you'll also need to print out business cards /fliers / place adverts in local papers / radio or tv stations and you need the funds and allowance to do this. Have your own ledgers to show your running costs inclusive of transportation. Prove to him that you're also an astute business woman who can - not only hold her own ground, but is very good with expanding the business and acquiring more customer bases by virtue of her marketing and sales technique. Learn the gift of the gab i.e: "sweet talking people" and once you master that, you're well on your way to achieving this. However. I repeat, however, you must open up a separate account for your beading and teaching businesses. An account you and you only, would have full control of. The deal should be this: You will put your heart and soul into marketing and promoting his business (and yours) on condition that he understands he meets the running costs (transportation et al as I explained above), and the monies from your beading and teaching business goes into your account in your name. And with the festive season in place, what better time to strike when the iron is hot?

So Oluafam, dry your tears, get up and get stuck in. This is a trial period for you too which you'll overcome. Your hubby did it. His sister did it. Now it's your turn. Take heart and all will be well.

Efe!!!!! you are worth your weight in gold. Excellent counselling. She couldnt get anything better. I appreciate your time and wisdom. I can see my wife will be and excellent rounded one. Thanks dearie.

EfemenaXY:


Morning Olufam.

Okay, having re-read your initial post and subsequent responses, I think I have a better understanding of your situation and I'll advice as a sister and a mother.

First of all, from the sounds of it, you married into a close-knit family. A very close knitted one and you will do well if you get along with all of them. Yes, everyone - including your sister-in-law. Secondly, your husband's business was up and running before you married into the family. See, you need to draw the line between business and matrimony. Don't get them mixed up.

When doing business, you have to be cool, calm, and calculated. Unemotional even. There's no place for tantrums or strops. Right now, your hubby's business seems to be what keeps your home afloat and also helps certain members of his family - your extended family - keep their heads above water, and this is inclusive of your sister-in-law. Look at it this way: he is the owner of the business and his sister (by way of her of skills and experience) is the manager / 2^nd in command running that business. Like she rightly mentioned, she's been in it for a while, long before you joined in. You cannot just just muscle your way in and 'promote' yourself simply because you're his wife. Mba, it doesn't work that way. You have to work your way up for this. This is a family run business and yes - even though your hubby has 100% control over it, he still needs his foot soldiers to keep it afloat. That business must be successful and have a good turnover, in order for you all to move ahead and progress with your lives, and in order for that to happen, you all need to work cohesively as one unit, and not as dis-jointed fragments.

Oluafam, what I'm going to tell you isn't going to be an easy read but you really need to take a good look at your situation and be realistic with your expectations. Right now, you've got 3 kids under the age of 4, inclusive of a baby whom you still carry on your back. That in itself is tough work. Your kids are still very, very, young. Babies even - and at this stage of their lives, they need you more than ever. They need not just the love and warmth of their mother close by, but they also need you to be happy. Children pick things up easily and are very sensitive to our moods. Not only do they need a mother whose emotional well being is "up there", they also need a peaceful, loving environment to thrive in - and you have the power to give them exactly that. For starters, you need to go back and make proper peace with your sister-in-law because whether you like it or not, she plays a multitude of roles there that can help you move forward. I'll explain.

She helps run your hubby's business so not only is she experienced with a lot of knowledge you can learn off her from, she's also got a lot of contacts she liaises with for your husband's business. If you're going to have a good chance of kick starting your own trade / business, you need a good, solid customer base. Potential customers need to know that they people they do business with are reliable and trust-worthy. You already have that solid base by virtue of your hubby's business, so you won't really be starting from scratch in terms of having to work at gaining their trust - not really - as the ground work's already been done for you. One of the fundamentals of any successful business is having a good KYC (Know Your Clients) in place. Every customer is unique and will have specific ways of wanting things done. Your sister in law is best placed to let you know the moods of these people and how they operate. For example, she could let you in on things such as, ah! Mama Bisi is a no-time-waster kind of person. If she says she wants X, Y, Z on Monday morning, it must be delivered come rain or shine at that time... or, Mama Ngozi is easy going...if we don't have A and B to give her, she won't mind accepting C and D.. or Papa Ali is one of our regulars and needs 50 crates of P, Q, R for his restaurant every Tuesday.... etc. Once you fully understand the different nuances of these customers you can then build on from there in marketing your own business as per letting them know, "Oh, by the way, I understand your daughter is having her traditional wedding - I do native beads if your interested..." and then you show them samples of your work. Even if they don't need your services right here and now, there's not telling they won't in the future. Or they may know someone who needs what you offer. D'you get where I'm coming from?

Secondly, you mentioned your sister-in-law was married and it didn't work out? Now it's no one's place here to cast aspersions as we don't know the circumstances under which she left, or if she ran away from a bad marriage - but that's beside the point. I'm guessing she's older than you too. Has she got any kids of her own and do they stay with her? If not, then try and understand that she sees your family as her family, and your kids as hers. Your kids (her brother's kids) are her nieces and nephews and she wouldn't do anything to harm them. You even leave them at the shop with her when you've got to be away anyway, so you must be comfortable with her looking after them for you. My dear, take advantage of the free childcare on offer here. You're young and full of energy. Why would you even consider wanting to sit down all day in a shop beside the tills (money drawers)? Are you an old woman? How are you going to get customers to patronize you if you don't go out to meet them? Let your sister-in-law do that while looking after your very energetic kids. Use your youth and energy to go hustle. I know you have that burning desire within you to carve something for yourself, despite having your hands full.

See, I like you a lot. You remind me so much of myself many, many, years ago. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. D'you know that when I was about your age, at one point, I was studying for my Masters degree full-time (Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesdays 9:00 a.m - 5:00 pm), working part-time (Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays 6:00 a.m. - 12 noon), had 3 kids under the age of 5 and was pregnant with my 4th kid? It was tough work, I won't lie to you but I got there in the end. I was the only one from my set who graduated with the full degree (so many people dropped out like flies), and yes, I paid solely for my course on my own, without any help. But I couldn't have done it all without the immense emotional support I got from hubby and my father in law. Even my elderly father-in-law (God rest his soul) helped a lot with childcare as both hubby and I were working. So the point I'm making here is that you've got family willing to help out with childcare at the shop - take advantage of it and use this foundation to see you to achieving greater things. That's what I did and that's how I came to be where I am today. So I'm encouraging you to swallow your pride and do the same too, girl.

I also noticed you're quite good with your written English. You communicate your points across quite well and I think this will come in handy with your desire to teach. What did you study at Uni? You could consider teaching English Language to kids private schools / teaching centres. You could also do some freelance Essay writing / marking. At least that's flexible and will give you the time to spend with your kids. I don't know how it works at secondary school level but I'm guessing you'll need some sort of teaching qualifications - but if you've got that, then consider marking GCE / NECO papers in English too. Again, market yourself for this the way you'll do with your beading business.

I see that you're still very much in love with your husband, despite feeling let down by him but use that love to achieve a positive outcome. I think your husband feels the same way about you too, but is trying to be fair to you both, hence him saying he can't send you away, nor can he send his sister away. Like I mentioned earlier, there is a decisive line between the business and home sphere. Two completely different entities. You are the queen of your matrimonial home. The madam-de-madam and no one can take that from you. Not even your sister-in-law (and I don't think she's interested in that or even interferes). That's your exclusive domain. But the "family run" business is a separate entity and for now, she's the second-in-command. So, I'd like you to work with her and this was what your brother-in-law meant although he could have put it less brusquely to you. You have an open relationship with your hubby (as per he tells you what he's doing and vice versa), so keep it that way. Don't entertain thought of being secretive with him. Let him know you'd like to expand the family business by virtue of your beading (and possibly teaching) but in order to do that, you need the funds for your marketing strategy.

Make him understand that you prefer doing the hustling / ground work but you'll also need to print out business cards /fliers / place adverts in local papers / radio or tv stations and you need the funds and allowance to do this. Have your own ledgers to show your running costs inclusive of transportation. Prove to him that you're also an astute business woman who can - not only hold her own ground, but is very good with expanding the business and acquiring more customer bases by virtue of her marketing and sales technique. Learn the gift of the gab i.e: "sweet talking people" and once you master that, you're well on your way to achieving this. However. I repeat, however, you must open up a separate account for your beading and teaching businesses. An account you and you only, would have full control of. The deal should be this: You will put your heart and soul into marketing and promoting his business (and yours) on condition that he understands he meets the running costs (transportation et al as I explained above), and the monies from your beading and teaching business goes into your account in your name. And with the festive season in place, what better time to strike when the iron is hot?

So Oluafam, dry your tears, get up and get stuck in. This is a trial period for you too which you'll overcome. Your hubby did it. His sister did it. Now it's your turn. Take heart and all will be well.

If I could like this a million times. I admire you efe, your wisdom is humbling. I thought to myself, why is she fighting for the till when she can focus on herself but I would never have passed the message across as clearly and in a non judgemental way like you did. To oluafam I say take this advice to heart and follow it. Nothing else comes this close

EfemenaXY, I'm very greatful. Thanks so much. I've actually been following your advices to shingmama on one of babyosis' s thread. I will put the things you have written into practice but before then, let me make some things clear;
Firstly, we are age mate(I'm about two weeks older).
No she she doesn't have a child yet.

Secondly, and I think most importantly, she doesn't know quarter of what I know about the business, be it customers, suppliers, prices etc. Remember she doesn't live with us and has been away from the biz for close to a decade now. For almost five years of my marriage, this is her second and longest visit.

Thirdly, I have taught before (within this her present visit). I began to notice this struggle for sit during her first visit 2years ago and I allowed her Cos I didn't want it to cause a fight and I didn't tell anyone-I just kept it to myself. Within this present visit, something happened in the house (not entirely her fault) coupled with position issue during her first visit, I decided to teach so as to engage myself with something. At this time my Baby was just two months old and her immediate elder was 18months old.I only taught for one term and left because it was quite stressful with my two under aged kids (the eldest child was in another school then), very very little and irregular pay.
Secondly, almost everyone was against my choice to teach. My people, my in-laws, my husband, almost everyone complained. So coupled with the stress, I had to quit.

Before now I've been very active in the biz except for baby-sitting times (omugwo things)and this is the time she usually strike, cos I'll home 24/7. And after my omugwo, sit then becomes a battle.
If she was with her brother as at the time I was married, I wouldn't I have minded any sit at all.

Before the fight, I confided in my husband and told him my observations. He in turn told me that I can sit anyway I like, that although she is his sister that I'm his wife and that the position is mine (if he had said otherwise, i won't have bothered) but after the fight, he went defensive and left me in the hands of his elder brother. brb

Askseek:


If I could like this a million times. I admire you efe, your wisdom is humbling. I thought to myself, why is she fighting for the till when she can focus on herself but I would never have passed the message across as clearly and in a non judgemental way like you did. To oluafam I say take this advice to heart and follow it. Nothing else comes this close

Thanks dear, I'm not fighting again I've already started focusing on my self-development. Just that hubby needs me around and will need me even more when she is gone.

Askseek:


If I could like this a million times. I admire you efe, your wisdom is humbling. I thought to myself, why is she fighting for the till when she can focus on herself but I would never have passed the message across as clearly and in a non judgemental way like you did. To oluafam I say take this advice to heart and follow it. Nothing else comes this close

Thanks dear, I'm not fighting again I've already started focusing on self-development. Just that hubby needs me around and will need me even more when she is gone for the NYSC program.

In the case of unforseen circumstances, you are on your own as shown to you by his sister thus, I would suggest you either get a job and start building your experience or start a business for yourself. You don't want to blame yourself in the future and let him know how you feel and the need for you to start something meaningful with your life.

oluafam:
Thanks dear, I'm not fighting again I've already started focusing on my self-development. Just that hubby needs me around and will need me even more when she is gone.

Then be smart and make the most of the free childcare while she's around so you can focus on the other things I mentioned.

OP,go and look for something doing as others suggested. The teaching job would be a good idea for you, because of your: little kids,your experience and it is the easiest job to get, your can also add your bead making to it, you will be so occupied that you will not have the time to reason who is sitting close to a counter.

Let your hubby know that ,you feel more useful to yourself having something doing that generate income . Besides, it is better the source of income is coming from different means in a family.

When she has gone for service you can then take over,there cannot be two madams in a shop,don't forget to have your own account where you do your savings.