Hello Romancelanders,

I hardly enter this session of Nairaland, to be honest, but I just stumbled upon it and went through some threads and noticed how helpful some Romancelanders have been to other people. A female friend of mine who is here on Nairaland but too shy and troubled to post this is facing a big problem in her relationship and life due to something that happened to her recently. She said that a particular guy has been asking her out and promising to marry her for more than 5 years now and she has been putting him off the whole time. She kept him as a friend though and they had a very good rapport. However, whenever the guys brings up dating/marriage, she shuns him and tells him to go and look for money before thinking about marriage. The lady, however, has a serious boyfriend whom the other guy that's proposing knows about.

About three months ago, the lady went to Port-Harcourt to visit her aunt. The guy who has been proposing to her was aware and decided to pick her up (he had a car) from the park to her aunt's place. On their way, the car was hijacked by hoodlums who were masked and drove to an abandoned building. At the building, they tortured the guy, his brother (who was with him) and this said girl. The guy and his brother DIED there, right before the girl. The girl claimed to have been beaten, pierced with an iron solder and thrown around until she passed out. She was later seen few hours later by passersby with her head submerged in a toilet as if she was being drowned. Her properties, including her phone were all intact. The attackers had only the mission to kill and nothing more.

She was rushed to a hospital for treatment! She suffered severe fractures, nerve damage and body swelling. She was traumatised and in pain, coupled with the fact that she just saw her "5 years toaster" die. She recuperated for more than two months and her current boyfriend never knew what happened (She didn't tell him the truth until later). However, her boyfriend was surprisingly encouraging all through.

Now, to the main issue! This girl has fully recuperated and is back with her boyfriend. The problem is that she is having a "guilt-complex" which is threatening her relationship. She feels the "toaster's death" is her fault and that if she had agreed to marry him earlier, he wouldn't have died. She feels that she was wicked to him because she refused his advances and treated him like a mediocre. She is always moody, sad and wishes to go back and date the dead guy. Her boyfriend couldn't understand why and it has ravaged their relationship. Still, she can't let the issue go. I have done my best to tell her that it wasn't her fault and that the dead guy would have died whether she married him or not. She keeps blaming herself for the guy's death to the point that she stalks the dead guy's profile on Facebook and other social media. She keeps thinking about him and gets moody always.She cant do anything productive and she is considering quitting her Masters programme because she believes "it is not right to continue her programme" because the guy died. She is threatening her own happiness and life all for someone who has gone for more than 3 months. I just don't understand how some people, especially women, deal with pain. She has pushed everyone away from her life. As a friend, I can't even break through to her again. I had to do this and hope she reads this and learn from others.

Please, my dear Romancelanders, I am going to mention this girl in my many mentions after this post, kindly give her a proper advise on how to live her life if you can. If you have had experiences with this, kindly state them so that she can read them and deal with this issue. If you are a specialist in issues such as these, please inform me. I would refer her to you and I am sure she'd be willing to mentally treat herself because at the rate she's going, she's going to lose it soonest and give up her life and future all for a dead guy.



Thank you all as you give your pieces of advice.

Please air your views on this issue and advise as appropriate. Please note that the lady in question has been mentioned as well so she's seeing all these.

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This is too Big..
She needs Therapy..
The death happened recently and in her presence, its normal to feel this way.
It takes a while to get over such guilt and fear.



She should try to not to be lonely most times...

iceberylin:
This is too Big..
M out.

Too big

You can chip in what you can! Nothing is lost.

This one is strong































Didn't read the epistle at all... damn too long

This is a very big issue. What she needs is therapy and counselling not advise from people who don't know what they're saying.

The poster above me is a fvcking reetard.

i think she should see a therapist or psychologist or someone similar.

its not her fault that the toaster died since she already concluded that the main objective of the killers was just to kill the guys and nothing else. accepting the guy might have not avoided the killing.
its probably the first time she is losing someone close to her.

if she is not careful, she might just commit suicide.

the Lord is ur muscle

Like seriously, if she was my sister or friend, I would tell her to sit the fvck down and get her sh!t straight.
Lemme give you a story, should in case you decide to visit this thread created for you.
At the age of 8, I start thinking I was responsible for my sister's death. She's the last born and third of we kids. I was playing with her in the living room and she accidentally fell hitting the ground with a hard thud (headlong and still in her "months", I can still hear her piecing cry ). She died when she was about nine months. I did blame myself
My dad died about a month later, I was never on his good books, (and with just cause), my younger brother was his favourite and I was the black sheep. It even got to the point he told my mom that my brother would be the one to wipe her tears. He's dead and I blame myself for not being a better son, who knows if it was my wayward ways that sent him to his early grave But life still continues.
While growing up, I became very wayward to the point I always get my mom into trouble and do muddle her name with every chance I got, as a matter of fact, I was a total disgrace to be a called a son (a first son at that) my mother do sheds uncontrollable tears and did many unmentionables just to get me back on track (both spiritually and physically, heck, I even got two facial marks to prove it). Now she's sick and even lost the use of one of her eyes. Do I need a priest to tell me am I catalyst to this cause? I'll leave that to you to judge.
Fast forward to 12 years later, my grandad was diagnosed with prostrate cancer. My mom, (his favourite) is the only one closest to him, he was hospitalized and she couldn't be with him because of her job, and I was still waiting for admission then without a job so I became his caretaker.
He was in the hospital for about two weeks in a different state and I was the one with him there, sleeping on the floor, bathing him, cleaning him, feeding him and in charge of expulsion of his urine bag. He underwent an operation to remove his balls, got discharged, we came back home, he was getting better ( I was the one staying with him at his house which was somehow close to my mom's house), I was still taking care of his needs.
On that faithful day or should I say, that cursed day, he woke up in the wee morning (around 3 to 4), soiled his bed. I did cleaned him and changed his bedsheets and put him back in bed without any ill feelings, heck, I even got prayers from him. Only for me to decided going to get my charger quickly from my mom's house only to come back to meet him on the floor gasping for breath. (He ended up dying in my arms).
I blamed myself a lot, if only I didn't go for that stvpid charger, I won't have left him and who knows he might not have been dead, maybe he called my name and when I wasn't answering, he struggled (because I came and saw him soiled) to get down and in the process hit his head on the ground. Who knows, maybe he even thought I abandoned him and left him for death because he was being a burden on me (which he was not!) and decided to give in to death.
I blamed myself over and over again to the point that I never wanted stepping into his compound again because I couldn't stop the bad memory coming back.
But after a while, I thought, I can't kill myself or destroy my life for the dead, I'll live my life to the fullest and make amends when I have the opportunity. I moved on and believed it was their time to die, and if any of the dead have an ish to settle with me, we'll do that in the other world when am dead!
Sorry for the long epistle,

Even you are still bleeding.
You are trying to bold face it but you aren't healed yet !
Remember my dear friend th

Free101:
Like seriously, if she was my sister or friend, I would tell her to sit the fvck down and get her sh!t straight.
Lemme give you a story, should in case you decide to visit this thread created for you.
At the age of 8, I start thinking I was responsible for my sister's death. She's the last born and third of we kids. I was playing with her in the living room and she accidentally fell hitting the ground with a hard thud (headlong and still in her "months", I can still hear her piecing cry ). She died when she was about nine months. I did blame myself
My dad died about a month later, I was never on his good books, (and with just cause), my younger brother was his favourite and I was the black sheep. It even got to the point he told my mom that my brother would be the one to wipe her tears. He's dead and I blame myself for not being a better son, who knows if it was my wayward ways that sent him to his early grave But life still continues.
While growing up, I became very wayward to the point I always get my mom into trouble and do muddle her name with every chance I got, as a matter of fact, I was a total disgrace to be a called a son (a first son at that) my mother do sheds uncontrollable tears and did many unmentionables just to get me back on track (both spiritually and physically, heck, I even got two facial marks to prove it). Now she's sick and even lost the use of one of her eyes. Do I need a priest to tell me am I catalyst to this cause? I'll leave that to you to judge.
Fast forward to 12 years later, my grandad was diagnosed with prostrate cancer. My mom, (his favourite) is the only one closest to him, he was hospitalized and she couldn't be with him because of her job, and I was still waiting for admission then without a job so I became his caretaker.
He was in the hospital for about two weeks in a different state and I was the one with him there, sleeping on the floor, bathing him, cleaning him, feeding him and in charge of expulsion of his urine bag. He underwent an operation to remove his balls, got discharged, we came back home, he was getting better ( I was the one staying with him at his house which was somehow close to my mom's house), I was still taking care of his needs.
On that faithful day or should I say, that cursed day, he woke up in the wee morning (around 3 to 4), soiled his bed. I did cleaned him and changed his bedsheets and put him back in bed without any ill feelings, heck, I even got prayers from him. Only for me to decided going to get my charger quickly from my mom's house only to come back to meet him on the floor gasping for breath. (He ended up dying in my arms).
I blamed myself a lot, if only I didn't go for that stvpid charger, I won't have left him and who knows he might not have been dead, maybe he called my name and when I wasn't answering, he struggled (because I came and saw him soiled) to get down and in the process hit his head on the ground. Who knows, maybe he even thought I abandoned him and left him for death because he was being a burden on me (which he was not!) and decided to give in to death.
I blamed myself over and over again to the point that I never wanted stepping into his compound again because I couldn't stop the bad memory coming back.
But after a while, I thought, I can't kill myself or destroy my life for the dead, I'll live my life to the fullest and make amends when I have the opportunity. I moved on and believed it was their time to die, and if any of the dead have an ish to settle with me, we'll do that in the other world when am dead!
Sorry for the long epistle,

Your friend is simply going through a healing process,seeing even someone we don't know going through something that traumatic is bound to leave a deep scar.
Now this is someone she knows possibly in her subconscious a back-up for if her man messes up. (Scar 1)

(In her opinion) If he didn't pick her up he may not have been attacked (Scar 2)

Now he didn't die a normal death,he was tortured to his death (Scar 3)

He lost his brother too (Scar 4)

And so many other scars going on in her mind!

I would have recommended just counseling but from experience I know depression can be so evil no matter how hard you try to get out of it you can't ,so I'll advise for starts she should get some antidepressants to at least get her out of that hell hole of the thoughts revolving around her head....

She will still need counseling that's like an injury to the soul and meds can't heal that

However no matter how hard you counsel a patient with diarrhea unless you give some medications(could be as simple as home remedies or as complex as drugs)

They won't be fine ,so let's start with that ,if its fine by you let her send me a mail

fratermathy:
Hello Romancelanders,

I hardly enter this session of Nairaland, to be honest, but I just stumbled upon it and went through some threads and noticed how helpful some Romancelanders have been to other people. A female friend of mine who is here on Nairaland but too shy and troubled to post this is facing a big problem in her relationship and life due to something that happened to her recently. She said that a particular guy has been asking her out and promising to marry her for more than 5 years now and she has been putting him off the whole time. She kept him as a friend though and they had a very good rapport. However, whenever the guys brings up dating/marriage, she shuns him and tells him to go and look for money before thinking about marriage. The lady, however, has a serious boyfriend whom the other guy that's proposing knows about.

About three months ago, the lady went to Port-Harcourt to visit her aunt. The guy who has been proposing to her was aware and decided to pick her up (he had a car) from the park to her aunt's place. On their way, the car was hijacked by hoodlums who were masked and drove to an abandoned building. At the building, they tortured the guy, his brother (who was with him) and this said girl. The guy and his brother DIED there, right before the girl. The girl claimed to have been beaten, pierced with an iron solder and thrown around until she passed out. She was later seen few hours later by passersby with her head submerged in a toilet as if she was being drowned. Her properties, including her phone were all intact. The attackers had only the mission to kill and nothing more.

She was rushed to a hospital for treatment! She suffered severe fractures, nerve damage and body swelling. She was traumatised and in pain, coupled with the fact that she just saw her "5 years toaster" die. She recuperated for more than two months and her current boyfriend never knew what happened (She didn't tell him the truth until later). However, her boyfriend was surprisingly encouraging all through.

Now, to the main issue! This girl has fully recuperated and is back with her boyfriend. The problem is that she is having a "guilt-complex" which is threatening her relationship. She feels the "toaster's death" is her fault and that if she had agreed to marry him earlier, he wouldn't have died. She feels that she was wicked to him because she refused his advances and treated him like a mediocre. She is always moody, sad and wishes to go back and date the dead guy. Her boyfriend couldn't understand why and it has ravaged their relationship. Still, she can't let the issue go. I have done my best to tell her that it wasn't her fault and that the dead guy would have died whether she married him or not. She keeps blaming herself for the guy's death to the point that she stalks the dead guy's profile on Facebook and other social media. She keeps thinking about him and gets moody always.She cant do anything productive and she is considering quitting her Masters programme because she believes "it is not right to continue her programme" because the guy died. She is threatening her own happiness and life all for someone who has gone for more than 3 months. I just don't understand how some people, especially women, deal with pain. She has pushed everyone away from her life. As a friend, I can't even break through to her again. I had to do this and hope she reads this and learn from others.

Please, my dear Romancelanders, I am going to mention this girl in my many mentions after this post, kindly give her a proper advise on how to live her life if you can. If you have had experiences with this, kindly state them so that she can read them and deal with this issue. If you are a specialist in issues such as these, please inform me. I would refer her to you and I am sure she'd be willing to mentally treat herself because at the rate she's going, she's going to lose it soonest and give up her life and future all for a dead guy.



Thank you all as you give your pieces of advice.

In my little understanding, a PSYCHIATRIST will be the 1st line of action as she's suffering from SCHIZOPRENIA.

Later, transferred to a PSYCOLOGIST

Thank me later

Confessng:
Even you are still bleeding.
You are trying to bold face it but you aren't healed yet !
Remember my dear friend th

Maybe you're right.
You know that saying "wounds heal but scars remains"?
It means even if am still bleeding I shouldn't let it get my head. With time, all wounds heals if given the chance to.
If we keep on blaming ourselves for our actions and inactions, we won't know when we'll get caught in the webs of our doings and lose our self altogether.
Its okay to grief, but if we over do it, then the deaths of our love ones would be in vain.
I do shed some tears when I do some reminiscing but I do tell myself, "you're alive for a reason".

fratermathy:
Hello Romancelanders,

I hardly enter this session of Nairaland, to be honest, but I just stumbled upon it and went through some threads and noticed how helpful some Romancelanders have been to other people. A female friend of mine who is here on Nairaland but too shy and troubled to post this is facing a big problem in her relationship and life due to something that happened to her recently. She said that a particular guy has been asking her out and promising to marry her for more than 5 years now and she has been putting him off the whole time. She kept him as a friend though and they had a very good rapport. However, whenever the guys brings up dating/marriage, she shuns him and tells him to go and look for money before thinking about marriage. The lady, however, has a serious boyfriend whom the other guy that's proposing knows about.

About three months ago, the lady went to Port-Harcourt to visit her aunt. The guy who has been proposing to her was aware and decided to pick her up (he had a car) from the park to her aunt's place. On their way, the car was hijacked by hoodlums who were masked and drove to an abandoned building. At the building, they tortured the guy, his brother (who was with him) and this said girl. The guy and his brother DIED there, right before the girl. The girl claimed to have been beaten, pierced with an iron solder and thrown around until she passed out. She was later seen few hours later by passersby with her head submerged in a toilet as if she was being drowned. Her properties, including her phone were all intact. The attackers had only the mission to kill and nothing more.

She was rushed to a hospital for treatment! She suffered severe fractures, nerve damage and body swelling. She was traumatised and in pain, coupled with the fact that she just saw her "5 years toaster" die. She recuperated for more than two months and her current boyfriend never knew what happened (She didn't tell him the truth until later). However, her boyfriend was surprisingly encouraging all through.

Now, to the main issue! This girl has fully recuperated and is back with her boyfriend. The problem is that she is having a "guilt-complex" which is threatening her relationship. She feels the "toaster's death" is her fault and that if she had agreed to marry him earlier, he wouldn't have died. She feels that she was wicked to him because she refused his advances and treated him like a mediocre. She is always moody, sad and wishes to go back and date the dead guy. Her boyfriend couldn't understand why and it has ravaged their relationship. Still, she can't let the issue go. I have done my best to tell her that it wasn't her fault and that the dead guy would have died whether she married him or not. She keeps blaming herself for the guy's death to the point that she stalks the dead guy's profile on Facebook and other social media. She keeps thinking about him and gets moody always.She cant do anything productive and she is considering quitting her Masters programme because she believes "it is not right to continue her programme" because the guy died. She is threatening her own happiness and life all for someone who has gone for more than 3 months. I just don't understand how some people, especially women, deal with pain. She has pushed everyone away from her life. As a friend, I can't even break through to her again. I had to do this and hope she reads this and learn from others.

Please, my dear Romancelanders, I am going to mention this girl in my many mentions after this post, kindly give her a proper advise on how to live her life if you can. If you have had experiences with this, kindly state them so that she can read them and deal with this issue. If you are a specialist in issues such as these, please inform me. I would refer her to you and I am sure she'd be willing to mentally treat herself because at the rate she's going, she's going to lose it soonest and give up her life and future all for a dead guy.



Thank you all as you give your pieces of advice.

seriously, i tink u 've given her d best advice eva....its nt her fault dat d guy died...me i also tink diaris more to his dead, or mayb d said gal knows smtin abt his assasination, dats y she's finding it hard to let go...if nt, ion see any reason she shud be feeling guilty here

You know what ?
There's an ancient hawaii teaching that helps to heal trauma

Its about 4 sentences and saying it over and over again has been proven to heal trauma

You don't have to say it out ,just say it in your mind or out when you feel like...


I AM SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
I LOVE YOU
THANK YOU

Say it as often you can
You will be healing your soul

Free101:

Maybe you're right.
You know that saying "wounds heal but scars remains"?
It means even if am still bleeding I shouldn't let it get my head. With time, all wounds heals if given the chance to.
If we keep on blaming ourselves for our actions and inactions, we won't know when we'll get caught in the webs of our doings and lose our self altogether.
Its okay to grief, but if we over do it, then the deaths of our love ones would be in vain.
I do shed some tears when I do some reminiscing but I do tell myself, "you're alive for a reason".

Confessng:
You know what ?
There's an ancient hawaii teaching that helps to heal trauma

Its about 4 sentences and saying it over and over again has been proven to heal trauma

You don't have to say it out ,just say it in your mind or out when you feel like...


I AM SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
I LOVE YOU
THANK YOU

Say it as often you can
You will be healing your soul

Lol, I don't think I need that, am "healed" already.(I guess). But seriously, I don't see it as a trauma, instead I see it as an experience in life.
By the way, let's not misplace our priority, its the op's friends that needs help on this thread, obu mua.

Lalasticlala, help this ministry na.

Confessng:
Your friend is simply going through a healing process,seeing even someone we don't know going through something that traumatic is bound to leave a deep scar.
Now this is someone she knows possibly in her subconscious a back-up for if her man messes up. (Scar 1)

(In her opinion) If he didn't pick her up he may not have been attacked (Scar 2)

Now he didn't die a normal death,he was tortured to his death (Scar 3)

He lost his brother too (Scar 4)

And so many other scars going on in her mind!

I would have recommended just counseling but from experience I know depression can be so evil no matter how hard you try to get out of it you can't ,so I'll advise for starts she should get some antidepressants to at least get her out of that hell hole of the thoughts revolving around her head....

She will still need counseling that's like an injury to the soul and meds can't heal that

However no matter how hard you counsel a patient with diarrhea unless you give some medications(could be as simple as home remedies or as complex as drugs)

They won't be fine ,so let's start with that ,if its fine by you let her send me a mail

Thank you for your post. You are correct in your analysis and seem experienced. I'll tell her to send you a mail asap. Thanks once more.

Let's give God our gratitude.
I'll expect her mail.
My username @gmail

fratermathy:


Thank you for your post. You are correct in your analysis and seem experienced. I'll tell her to send you a mail asap. Thanks once more.