Just this morning, my husband was angry that he asked me for money and I refused him.
I wasn't happy refusing, but I don't understand why he shouldn't have money at this time of the month. Or any time at all.
We both have good jobs. Mine is very volatile and I am mostly extremely busy everyday but it's well-paying. My job is also not secure as one could get sacked anytime.
His own gives him more time both at work and off. Nice salary and nice incentives. Very secure too.

In fact, before we got married, someone who knew him well was asking me to leave my job as what he makes is enough to allow us have a good life. 98% of his colleagues' wives don't work.

And even though it hasn't been easy, I am still trying to hold on to my job.

Now to our finance which is the bone of contention.

During our wedding preparations, his folks left everything for him. So it was him, my parents and myself who contributed. He was not over-stressed with bride price or anything.Even though at the beginning, he complained about some items, he ended up not bringing some of the listed stuff. I filled the bridal box with my stuff that i already had while some of the things were augmented with cheapies. Of some of the things my people collected especially foodstuff, a percentage was returned to us as a couple to tide us over till we find our feet. The bride price was even given to me back by my uncle as I was told they were not selling me. My dad also spent a lot, even though I tried cautioning him as he was close to retirement and I still have younger ones. But he never took notice and went all out, he exceeded my expectations and apart from footing the trad, he augmented virtually all the white wedding expense. Everything from hall to decoration to food to entertainment, even the cloths for the grooms parents. I will stop here but I know what he did for us.


To be continued. No front page please!

The evening of the trad after our traditional rites, I called him and noticed he wasnt happy. So after I pried and pried, he blew up that his people complained they were not well treated. My mum confronted my aunty who had been keeping an eye on the caterers and her servers and my aunty refused that whoever claims he/she was not well treated must be a very greedy person as she made sure that there was enough food on every side. Food was plentiful self.
During our white wedding, all of a sudden a woman from his side started coming to pick our spray money aggressively and walk off with it, handing it over to another person. A girl joined her. Even though they weren't spraying anything and hadn't assisted in anything so far.
What they were doing was so obvious (that they thought the money should be for them), that my aunt directed my girls to stop picking money and leave them. All the misbehavior was beginning to get me upset and I found it hard to remain cheerful. Because by now, it was obvious to anybody taking notice that something was amiss.
By the time we were taking our last pictures, the unopened drinks on the tables in the hall had all disappeared, as well as the big bottle of wine we used for our couples toast which we only sipped from. Someone actually climbed the stage and took it.

oya continue story while we wait for the married folks to come and advice u..

First off, it is too early in your marriage to begin to talk about or make an issue about a ceremony that is already in the past! So on that side let bygone be bygone.
Second of all, your husband is supposed to be your best friend, better half and two have become one including your monies! Now, I would want to believe that whatever he was requesting money for would be a very important item/matter? Just the same way you expressed your fears here you need to have that discussion with him to understand what he needed the fund for and the reason for your refusal or skepticism! Communication is very key and you both need to learn the art of effective communication.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and congrats cos you seem like a newly married

A few days after getting married, we were duped by one of his uncles of over 200k. More than half of the money was the esusu I'd done at work and was meant for our honeymoon. Then we got calls asking for money they had used in procuring aso-ebi for their general family, that my husband is supposed to pay for it as most people collected without paying.

Hmmmm. I was shocked.
When my own folks were busy still buying us things as per new couple.

Anyways, that brings us to today.
All through the month, my husband always gets calls asking him for this or that money. I always hear him saying today or tomorrow or next week, promising people money. Before you know it, he's broke and he descends on what I kept in my bag.

It has been my habit to always have money in my bag and box. As my mum would say, what if you pour someones oil away and you are asked to pay? So he will ransack and pick without even telling me. One time he took about 60k which I was saving up for something. I was very mad when I needed some quick cash and saw the place empty with like 100 naira left.
Meanwhile, I don't do that to him. I don't ask him for any money as I know I was educated to be self sufficient.

I don't care if he gives whoever money but should it be to the detriment of his family? We have a baby on the way and if his salary is barely enough now, what happens then?

Not to talk of all the monies borrowed from me and unreturned. I hate when I have worked in very strenuous condition and he just distributes my money anyhow because someone came to him with a cock and bull story. When we both didn't have jobs when we first started dating, I never saw these people around him. In fact back then, he still wanted us to get married like that as he said we could manage as he doesn't have any responsibility.

I seriously do not understand how he puts himself in this type of situation and how all these responsibilities sprung up.

Reading

What is earned while in the marriage belongs to both parties we are told

What I would suggest is to know the expenses both of you are involved in. Then priortize what is important and pay jointly

I just feel everybody thinks now that he is married, they should quickly collect their own share of the national cake before it gets exhausted.

But its really affecting us as a couple. God forbid one gets downsized or something. Then what happens?

And why will these people some of who are even established financially be doing this to my husband? Because when he refuses, they make it seem like he's getting stingy now because he's married.

Stop giving him money before he runs you dry too.. not even like he uses the money for something important. ..
Talk to him, he needs to be saving an amount monthly whether in the bank or in form of assets. ...you're yet to raise your family. . You guys can open a no - withdrawal account. ..

Let him know that if he goes bankrupt today, nobody cares!

Your child comes first. It is important that you both know this well and understand and acknowledge it.

Stop keeping money in the house. There's nothing wrong in giving him, but he should ask you first for the money before he takes it. And since both of you are contributing, he should explain to you what or where the money is going to. So for now, no more money in the house.

If he gets angry, please tell him that his wife and child comes first, there are too many expenses and uncertainties with a pregnancy and a baby and it is wise to start saving for it now, rather than later.

Ask that you guys both get a joint savings and checking account in your names and both of you contribute a certain amount monthly to it. After that, if he wishes to spend the remainder of his salary on his relatives, no problem. If he gets broke doing so, please tell him that you too, are broke.

He cannot beggar his own family to please others.

As for what happened at the wedding, just be quite for now. A time will come to bring it up, because he should have been more appreciative of your family's effort.

(sits down and waits for the Prayer and Endurance Association of Nairalanders ((PEAN)) to show up)...

c'mon, don't keep us waiting...

We on Nairaland can't help you. Why not talk to the One who would not only help you, but who would also turn the situation around to what you desire.

Lashawn, there are many ways to deal with this issue, but you have asked for the best way. Well, the best way is to tell God what you want; tell God how you want your husband to spend his money, those flaws you want your man to do away with---tell it to God and patiently watch the drama unfold.

...this is the magic ingredient in my own marriage. I pray it works for you too

Your husband seems a nice guy who can't say NO to people....let him understand he can't be Jesus to everybody.

You will need to help your man learn a few things without making it sound as if you are selfish or making him feel a bad person. He will respond to you more in a non confrontational and atmosphere of love.

Build him a library on self discipline and money management.

I have talked to him about having a joint purse for the house expense. He didn't give a concrete answer. If I even open an account forcefully, can I force him to pay money in it?

And he sure says no to me a lot. So why is it hard to say it to outsiders? Its not like he pours the money on me like people think. Caring yes. But he sees me as a self sufficient person. And he sees my parents that way too as he doesn't do what some son in laws would do like during Xmas. Like buy rice and chicken. I had to do that last xmas not like they need it but just to make them have a taste that they have a married daughter.

Op, I think you are loud-mouthed, very arrogant nd so full of your self. Why all these bla bla bla, you strike me like a notorious nag. You needn't all these. Learn to be mature, to bear, to be tolerant and understanding. gooooosh I feel so dissapointed, just try to grow up and STOP whinning.

@Op dont mind all these people castigating you. I understand what you are faving.

Your husband is the kind of person who will rather he go hungry and suffer with his family in silence as long as outsiders keep praising him.

I feel its a form of inferiority complex though quite strong cos he sees himself from how others assess him.

Its a very tight situation as humans especially africans are greedy too so when they realise this they will milk him.

What you can do is to draw a line.

Let him know due to his lavish lifestyle you have decided to commence an esusu somewhere so open another account without atm but probably internet banking and start saving.

Ur husband will not change. I know his type.

pato405:
Op, I think you are loud-mouthed, very arrogant nd so full of your self. Why all these bla bla bla, you strike me like a notorious nag. You needn't all these. Learn to be mature, to bear, to be tolerant and understanding. gooooosh I feel so dissapointed, just try to grow up and STOP whinning.

I rarely comment but your post was all silly to me,couldn't resist to ignore. I think we should learn to be objective and put ourselves in the shoes of the writer before writing disheartening things to others. Your closed mind is why you didn't notice the op is the caring wife fight for her new marriage cos this situation could lead to a series of other unwanted one.

Well for my rare 2kobo,I would say you give him but its also inportant you investigate what dries your hubby's good salary precisely so your worries are not uncalled for. It could be something that has a good long term derivative.so it doesn't seem like you weren't supportive when he need you 'most'. Cheers

raydatluvs:
I rarely comment but your post was all silly to me,couldn't resist to ignore. I think we should learn to be objective and put ourselves in the shoes of the writer before writing disheartening things to others. Your closed mind is why you didn't notice the op is the caring wife fight for her new marriage cos this situation could lead to a series of other unwanted one.

Well for my rare 2kobo,I would say you give him but its also inportant you investigate what dries your hubby's good salary precisely so your worries are not uncalled for. It could be something that has a good long term derivative.so it doesn't seem like you weren't supportive when he need you 'most'. Cheers

your sentiments reek of even more immaturity than that of the Op. Just when I thought I had read the worst! Whatever happened to being there for each other? with a smile even when it seems you are the only one bearing all the expenses. A LOT of men out there are sole bread winners, their wives only being 'house-wives'..they do all they can to saddle all expenditure without grumbling, but when it's the women...OH DEAR me! hell will be let loose, and they'll go about like OP, letting the world know how they've been sole providers. It's just plain silly to me...and I think your sermon doesn't even make the situation any better.

pato405:


your sentiments reek of even more immaturity than that of the Op. Just when I thought I had read the worst! Whatever happened to being there for each other? with a smile even when it seems you are the only one bearing all the expenses. A LOT of men out there are sole bread winners, their wives only being 'house-wives'..they do all they can to saddle all expenditure without grumbling, but when it's the women...OH DEAR me! hell will be let loose, and they'll go about like OP, letting the world know how they've been sole providers. It's just plain silly to me...and I think your sermon doesn't even make the situation any better.

hey..... Firstly,I think we should take a deep breathe. That said,you have lost the point of the lady's write up,I suggest you read again and this time with an open mind. The lady doesn't seem to have problems suporting her man. She is only deeply concerned about a new turn of habits where his well paid salary finishes so easily and he resorts to hers. Quite frankly that should call for worry and that's all she is.
Then I think you didn't finish reading my own comment because you would have read I said she should surport him. Am not sure but I think this subject seems to be a triger for you from your comments.

raydatluvs:
hey..... Firstly,I think we should take a deep breathe. That said,you have lost the point of the lady's write up,I suggest you read again and this time with an open mind. The lady doesn't seem to have problems suporting her man. She is only deeply concerned about a new turn of habits where his well paid salary finishes so easily and he resorts to hers. Quite frankly that should call for worry and that's all she is.
Then I think you didn't finish reading my own comment because you would have read I said she should surport him. Am not sure but I think this subject seems to be a triger for you from your comments.

I stick to my guns. I can relate well with this, however, my in experience I never resorted to my partner...perhaps due to ego and again, my understanding of women - they'll ALWAYS mention it. I'm sure OP's husband hadn't any choice rather than to ask her..so I'm not judging him. Again, bear in mind that there are always 2 sides to a story - in essence, you haven't heard from the man and you are NOT in his shoes - so it's a LOT EASIER for you and others here to criticize him for extravagance.

Now my question:

1. Who defines what is 'well paid salary'?

To the OP, her hubby earns very well, but to the man, he might NOT have the same opinion about his take home. I can relate very well with this. Sometimes people around you think your salary is fat. Truth be told, some salaries, despite how good they may appear soon vanish into tin air, NOT necessarily due to lavishing spending pattern, but due to too may dependants and other expenses, self development (professional exams etc), meeting needs at home front and extended families etc. Lets for once, be empathetic, rather than beclouding our sense of reasoning with bias judgements. 400k take home, for instance, might sound BIG, but 'BIG' is largely relative as 400k might not last longer than 2weeks for some people, although it just might be another man's annual income.


2. Is resorting to your wife's support a bad habit? - Again relative, but if I am to answer for him, I can very well guess that he must have tried other means of raising extra cash to no avail. Men who are men will hardly resort to their wives because it takes some ego and pride to be a 'man'. However, this shouldn't really be a problem IF WOMEN STOPPED WHINNING when the money leaves their purses. there is indeed a need for a paradigm shift - women can be back-ups ANYTIME/ANYDAY!

...
..

nyafunyafu:
First off, it is too early in your marriage to begin to talk about or make an issue about a ceremony that is already in the past! So on that side let bygone be bygone.
Second of all, your husband is supposed to be your best friend, better half and two have become one including your monies! Now, I would want to believe that whatever he was requesting money for would be a very important item/matter? Just the same way you expressed your fears here you need to have that discussion with him to understand what he needed the fund for and the reason for your refusal or skepticism! Communication is very key and you both need to learn the art of effective communication.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and congrats cos you seem like a newly married

Thank you.
The issue is not about what happened. Its about the attitude of entitlement I.e. what is his, is ours for the taking.
I try to talk sometimes but I hate harping too much on same issue. He told me needed the money to pay for some household stuff but I just feel he does not take the house expense serious. He would rather satisfy those outside and start sourcing for household expense. Which shouldn't be.

fabby27:


Are you the man in question cos your ranting is on another level. If that is how you exploit your wife, please desist from it. Marriage takes two to tango and being able to handle and manage money or finances is one of the ways that shows maturity between couple. She works for the money just like you do and if you spend 400k in two weeks like you imply for trivalities. Better repent. Dont let judgement becloud your common sense

You are hungry as always. Go and find something to eat first.

raumdeuter:
Reading

What is earned while in the marriage belongs to both parties we are told

What I would suggest is to know the expenses both of you are involved in. Then priortize what is important and pay jointly

Like I said earlier, I suggested this. But he keeps dragging his feet. We are just two and our household expense at most shouldnt exceed 70k tops. Why then shouldn't his money last through the month? Let's even assume I wasn't working, we shouldn't be having problems!!

PresVA:
Stop giving him money before he runs you dry too.. not even like he uses the money for something important. ..
Talk to him, he needs to be saving an amount monthly whether in the bank or in form of assets. ...you're yet to raise your family. . You guys can open a no - withdrawal account. ..

Let him know that if he goes bankrupt today, nobody cares!

Opening an account. Its something I've discussed with him. Though I wanted us to open one for monthly upkeep which we will both contribute to. I'm also concerned because I know a baby listens to no excuse. Good or bad, there must be food and pampers.

Onegai:
Your child comes first. It is important that you both know this well and understand and acknowledge it.

Stop keeping money in the house. There's nothing wrong in giving him, but he should ask you first for the money before he takes it. And since both of you are contributing, he should explain to you what or where the money is going to. So for now, no more money in the house.

If he gets angry, please tell him that his wife and child comes first, there are too many expenses and uncertainties with a pregnancy and a baby and it is wise to start saving for it now, rather than later.

Ask that you guys both get a joint savings and checking account in your names and both of you contribute a certain amount monthly to it. After that, if he wishes to spend the remainder of his salary on his relatives, no problem. If he gets broke doing so, please tell him that you too, are broke.

He cannot beggar his own family to please others.

As for what happened at the wedding, just be quite for now. A time will come to bring it up, because he should have been more appreciative of your family's effort.

(sits down and waits for the Prayer and Endurance Association of Nairalanders ((PEAN)) to show up)...

c'mon, don't keep us waiting...

I've stopped doing that o. Any excess cash is kept out of reach.

4tunebest:
We on Nairaland can't help you. Why not talk to the One who would not only help you, but who would also turn the situation around to what you desire.

Lashawn, there are many ways to deal with this issue, but you have asked for the best way. Well, the best way is to tell God what you want; tell God how you want your husband to spend his money, those flaws you want your man to do away with---tell it to God and patiently watch the drama unfold.

...this is the magic ingredient in my own marriage. I pray it works for you too

Amen. Thank you....

Chubhie:
Your husband seems a nice guy who can't say NO to people....let him understand he can't be Jesus to everybody.

You will need to help your man learn a few things without making it sound as if you are selfish or making him feel a bad person. He will respond to you more in a non confrontational and atmosphere of love.

Build him a library on self discipline and money management.

He hasn't changed for the better so far. I hope he responds sooner than later o.

LaShawn:


He hasn't changed for the better so far. I hope he responds sooner than later o.

Patience is a virtue.

Guitarlife:
@Op dont mind all these people castigating you. I understand what you are faving.

Your husband is the kind of person who will rather he go hungry and suffer with his family in silence as long as outsiders keep praising him.

I feel its a form of inferiority complex though quite strong cos he sees himself from how others assess him.

Its a very tight situation as humans especially africans are greedy too so when they realise this they will milk him.

What you can do is to draw a line.

Let him know due to his lavish lifestyle you have decided to commence an esusu somewhere so open another account without atm but probably internet banking and start saving.

Ur husband will not change. I know his type.

My husband is brash and confident. So I dont understand how he counts on people to feel better about himself.
Well, I can't let him know about any saving. I'm sorry but no, not going to happen.
Until he shows I can trust him regarding our finance by beginning to be more forthcoming about what is going where and for what reason...

I do hope for our sake he changes.

LaShawn:


My husband is brash and confident. So I dont understand how he counts on people to feel better about himself.
Well, I can't let him know about any saving. I'm sorry but no, not going to happen.
Until he shows I can trust him regarding our finance by beginning to be more forthcoming about what is going where and for what reason...

I do hope for our sake he changes.

You are just getting to know your husband. He may have been like this all through your dating and you captioned him " Mr generous". Cool down girl and sort the shits out.

I am married to his opposite......the both extremes are very frustrating.

TheArchangel:
You are just getting to know your husband. He may have been like this all through your dating and you captioned him " Mr generous". Cool down girl and sort the shits out.

I am married to his opposite......the both extremes are very frustrating.

WORD!

LaShawn:

My husband is brash and confident. So I dont understand how he counts on people to feel better about himself.
Well, I can't let him know about any saving. I'm sorry but no, not going to happen.
Until he shows I can trust him regarding our finance by beginning to be more forthcoming about what is going where and for what reason...
I do hope for our sake he changes.

Awww . . I know his type. I also find it extremely difficult to say 'no' to people . . . even at my own detriment; but certainly not at my children's!!!

Don't worry, when the kids start coming, your hubby will adjust. He would have no choice but to . . .

For now, keep your cash out of his reach and save as much as you can. Also learn to say 'NO' and damn the consequences. Sooner or later he will get used to how prudent you are and learn from you.

These things sometimes takes time!

Men always think women should take care of their family with their money. With time he will realize how fulfilling it is to buy 'xmas rice and chiken ' for your family.

During our first three years of marriage, hubby would not give my family a dime. He always felt I should give them whatever they needed because I am working myself. So I decided to give on his behalf . I would give my mum xmas stuff mummy and say it was from him . . When she calls him to say thanks, he would be too embarrassed to face me for days! Finally, last xmas, he volunteered 10k for me to give my mum. I know it's not much but coming from him it's like 100k

Men learn from exmaple . . . at the beginning they will be stubborn and appear nonchalant. With time, they will see reasons why things should be different and they will adjust.

I know it's not easy, but please be patient with him . . . he will come around!

Thanks to everyone who understood with me.
At this juncture, I can only hope and pray that things get better when the baby comes. But now, I make sure I only hold 2k with me at a time, or even less. The days of keeping thousands in the house are long gone.

And he just told me now that even his mum was mad at him upon learning he'd been sending money to one of his relations. That he has misplaced priorities and his wife should have started looking at him with side eyes by now.

With that I rest my case o. At least that shows I haven't been overreacting....