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Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by bukatyne(f): 6:44pm On May 12, 2016 |
I wanted to create this thread during Tiwa/Teeblizz's saga however, it slipped. MRBrownJ's views on another thread reminded moi. So here we go... In Nigerian society, there has always been strict gender roles in marriage 1. The husband provides (which was/is the major reason he is the 'head') everything or almost everything whether the wife earned or not. He is also the 'sole' decision maker. 2. The wife took care of the home aka cooked, cleaned, cared for the kids etc. with little or no assistance from the husband. Strangely, we have a lot of guys complaining of 'gold digging' ladies and several threads has been opened to encourage/chastise women to earn and contribute/'assist' at home with the home front still largely managed by ladies. In recent times, we have women handling all the finances due to no fault of the husband and she is still expected to handle most/all domestics even when the husband is home all day. (E.g. Teeblizz accusing Tiwa of not cooking) Now to the questions: 1. What makes the husband the head/ sole authority if he expects the wife to contribute to the upkeep without necessarily compromising in domestics? 2. Why is the average woman who wants to marry/date a financially ok man called a gold digger considering that she is still expected to play her own part? 3. Why do people frown on a wife who expects her husband to provide all (even women programs emphasize this and call them lazy esp. stay @ home moms) while the wife is expected to handle the domestics majorly? 4. Why is a wife expected to handle the domestics alone when she becomes the breadwinner working outside the home and her hubby is largely at home? cc: MRBrownJ Mindfulness P.S.: Might add more questions later and I know not all families follow the strict role thingy. No bashing. 10 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Creamish(f): 7:06pm On May 12, 2016 |
Hmmm.. Food for thought... #following 1 Like |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by PresVA: 7:15pm On May 12, 2016 |
Just marry your friend and all these roles bla bla wouldn't apply. .. the marriage just flows... You do (almost) everything together. ... Each person uses his/her brain and knows just what to do at every point in time.... Husband seeks your opinion before making any decision.....anyone can take up any role ettccc... 21 Likes 7 Shares |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by joseph1832(m): 7:18pm On May 12, 2016 |
bukatyne: |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by shaybebaby(f): 7:19pm On May 12, 2016 |
I dey come. ![]() |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Nobody: 7:24pm On May 12, 2016 |
Bukatyne dear, just a quick answer today because I am cooking rice. We don't do such silly head and neck analogies. And we don't discuss authority or play immature power games that insecure people play. We are best friends. We are lovers. We are parents. We are partners. We both work. We both do chores. We both do the shopping. We both take care of the child. We both have chores we like doing and don't like doing so we do what we like and don't do what we don't like, this is where the other steps in. And most importantly, we have a lot of fun. 20 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by thorpido(m): 8:13pm On May 12, 2016 |
Why would any man in this generation expect the woman to contribute financially and not want to help with house chores? The key thing is to be friends first.Marry a man who is reasonable. Anyone can fit into any role.Roles now should be flexible. 9 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by MRBrownJ: 9:12pm On May 12, 2016 |
bukatyne: thats because the days of our forefather, when wives didnt work and TOOK CARE of the home, are over. the days where wifey was slave to whatever husband said because he brought home the cheddar are ALSO gone. now wifey is educated, has a job and brings home good money, therefore as much as many may not like it, wifey has equal right to make important decision for the wellbeing of the family. the golddiggers are the lazy ones looking for an easy/free ride, who have NOTHING to bring to a man's life and still wanna live "today" like our parents did (aka that well oiled enterprise called family). its over, impossible, this is a different era, and people are selfish. In recent times, we have women handling all the finances due to no fault of the husband and she is still expected to handle most/all domestics even when the husband is home all day. (E.g. Teeblizz accusing Tiwa of not cooking) that Teebillz guy is an idiot (excuse my French), his wife is a superstar and therefore he cant seriously expect her to A) come home and cook dinner etc every night at a certain time, B) not have tons of assistant doing such chores for her and C) be any different, now that they are married, and miraculously turn into a full fledge housewife. Now to the questions: there are 3 ways to look at this issue, the RELIGIOUS, SOCIETY and MODERN 21st century way.... so: RELIGIOUS way, man is the head and sole authority regardless of who does/brings what. SOCIETY way, they share equally the duties, but the husband remains the head of the family MODERN way, whoever brings the most cheddar sings the tunes. so if wifey is out there making it then daddy should be home caring for the family and household etc. its all about what is BENEFICIAL to the family. 2. Why is the average woman who wants to marry/date a financially ok man called a gold digger considering that she is still expected to play her own part? its all about how she present herself and her mission. WHY she wants to marry/date such man and what she is bringing to the union. if his finances/status is the reason why she is attracted to that man then YES she is a GD, and she could be used as a trophy wife but she would still be expected to work just as hard. a few questions can quickly sort the GD from the real women. 3. Why do people frown on a wife who expects her husband to provide all (even women programs emphasize this and call them lazy esp. stay @ home moms) while the wife is expected to handle the domestics majorly? in this day and age, why would anyone stay home? with kindergarten/washing machine/dishwashers and maids, being home all day by the time children are of preschool age, is a waste of life... and only a lazy person would wanna do that. 4. Why is a wife expected to handle the domestics alone when she becomes the breadwinner working outside the home and her hubby is largely at home? it depends on how that household is ruled.. is it the RELIGIOUS/SOCIETY or MODERN way? imho, she shouldnt.... but if she does then thats all because she desires it to be so (aka religious/society way) 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by bukatyne(f): 9:17pm On May 12, 2016 |
Everyone welcome to the thread. ![]() Cc: Mindfulness, thoripdo, joesph1832, shayebaby, creamish, PresVa, MRBrownJ So far, we are all of one school of thought: no rigid role division and we pick up things as they come up. What about families that believe in strict role division? 2 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Creamish(f): 9:34pm On May 12, 2016 |
thorpido: My thoughts exactly. Some men Luv going to d market, some Luv cooking, some Luv doing the laundry.. These days, roles aren't rily defined per se. It all depends on the mutual understanding the couple have for each other. The home belongs to both of them so whatever they can do to ensure comfort, happiness & marital bliss will be done. 3 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Creamish(f): 9:47pm On May 12, 2016 |
bukatyne: Well....I want to believe they both consented to the role division before starting a family. Tho it may seem unfair to d woman, she basically signed up for it... |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by bukatyne(f): 9:50pm On May 12, 2016 |
Creamish: Okay... I wish someone who practises that can actually shed light on it. |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Jamean(f): 1:44am On May 13, 2016 |
PresVA: like child bearing ![]() the roles issue ehn tire me. I feel it should just be plug and play.. with each one doing the one they are better at and be liberal too. For instance, I grew up with my dad doing his laundry, he felt my mum had a handful already with ours, he even did a lot of the ironing too. He washed dishes when we children made it look like rocket science. He was the procurement officer majorly in the early years of their marriage even till date, he buys even soup ingredients on his way from work. Even till I was in secondary school he would help us fetch water when it got so scarce, was our janitor and handy man. He thought us all of our assignments even though he cared less about your grade. Infact he always mixed up our classes, while my mum followed up with your seriousness at school and spiritual life ![]() But then, he didn't know how to nurse children, combine our clothes (he actually bought canvass and baby gown for us one Christmas) or arrange the house, he only knew how to cook beans and make Coffee ![]() But that didn't stop him from providing to the best of his ability. Of course mum had her specialty too, she brought to the table as well. The one you both can't do and is essential please outsource it, this thing should be less of gender. You can imagine that my little sister is responsible for maintaining our generator when I have a brother but she can't even sweep like him. Every one according to his ability. I think couples should plan and not have unrealistic expectations. Growing up this way I will have resentments for a man who will leave you to die with everything and still bring to the table. 23 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by cococandy(f): 2:40am On May 13, 2016 |
That's because you're not the typical couple described by the OP. Mindfulness: |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by cococandy(f): 2:47am On May 13, 2016 |
bukatyne:Yea me too. I'm sitting here waiting for someone who believes the man shouldn't pitch in with domestic work to come explain how it is fair to expect his wife to contribute financially to the home. 1 Like |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by PresVA: 6:44am On May 13, 2016 |
Jamean: ![]() ![]() ![]() Your description is a typical example of partnership in marriage, the marriage just flows... ![]() ![]() However, I won't say that gender-role division has been completed eliminated because even as my husband can cook, I take up the role most of the times. .. then, I don't repair the Generator ettcc...some roles are still seen as gender-specific but couples should be able to take up any role if need be.. Have a good day dear ![]() 1 Like |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Jamean(f): 6:49am On May 13, 2016 |
PresVA: Yea babe.. Cheers! |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Eketem: 7:43am On May 13, 2016 |
Some men want traditional women some women want traditional men. They should find each other get married and save us all this plenty debate jare. Some women will die before they let their husbands cook or even change a diaper while some men will object to their wives contributing to family upkeep. Modern women should be modern through and through this starts with rejection of the payment of bride price. A man practically buys a woman from her family and community in some areas, I saw one list almost a million or more self, he has to pay the whole community to marry the woman, some women would be flattered by that not understanding the significance of the process. A man who pays all that and does all the list thing would have some sort of feeling of ownership, he is expecting a woman who will play traditional roles not after paying and spending that much to have a woman shouting equality. We women have to start from the Genesis of the inequality ; rejection of bride price and wedding list. The man has also been trained by his parents, what then is the justification of paying her family off to marry her? A marriage both of them are supposed to enjoy and build together. I have heard women say they can only support their family at their discretion same way men would say they can only support in house work at his discretion too It is a two way streak. If a couple wants to have some level of equality then start from the beginning, share bills and share roles. Two grown adults should sort their marriage issues out. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by misreal(m): 8:02am On May 13, 2016 |
Eketem:gbaaaammmm!!!i like this response so much..truth is,when a man spends a million naira on a woman's bride price he owns you.if you want to be a modern lady,please be a total modern lady and stop the collection of bride price,if possible sponsor your own wedding. |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by shaybebaby(f): 8:20am On May 13, 2016 |
bukatyne:Strict role division never really works, not in marriage not in any other situation outside. This is because it always results in resentment on one person's part. Why would i say such? I can use the work place as an example where people have clearly defined roles and responsibilities, indeed when you apply for the job, your responsibilities are stated. However, we know that working in different roles within the same organisation means that the ultimate goal is the growth of the organisation so when situations demand it, you are expected to flexible and adopt roles outside your normal ones...do what is needed to keep things moving. So I can conclude that, even in such environment, you are expected to manage relationships with those around you to get the job done. Anyone that pipes up "saying it's not my job" will ultimately lose out in the run, organisation fails, you have no job to claim as your own. Relating this to marriage, nothing wrong in having clearly defined roles if it works for the parties involved. But we all know that just like in the work place, sometimes the lines gets blurred so you might find yourself required to stuff outside the norm. The problem lies with inflexibility. If one party can't do his/her or assigned role (for whatever reason) and the other can but won't in the name of "not my responsibility", nothing gets done. Solution? Appreciation for each other's work and contributions. A simple thank you goes a long way, (we all love good feedback). One role isn't better than the other, all have their challenges and contributions to the life couple live TOGETHER. Genuine appreciation of the struggles the other faces also means you are more willing to help out when you can because you realise the effort it takes to achieve those things. This goes for finances, chores, raising the kids etc. all different but none less important than the other. 2 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Nobody: 8:21am On May 13, 2016 |
This is 2016 and a lot has changed since back in the day Take a good look around you and you will see that there is not much traditional anything these days especially in this generation. Role lines have blurred and the general goal is that both husband and wife & kids reach an expected end. Teamwork! These days Men are more hands on in the home and women are more hands on in finance. It doesn't matter so long as they have the same vision and are reading from the same book and they BOTH subscribe to it. But if you really want a specific type of partner then please marry someone who 100% shares the same views with you 2 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Ruq: 8:33am On May 13, 2016 |
The strict roles will always hold know matter how much laws or views are held to rationalize it. The (men) you identified in your post still have a lot of understanding and growing up to do, if you think that's how majority are, you probably might have made the internet your reality. I don't know about others but seeing that nature has automatically decided who plays the major role of child bearing I think it's only fair the husband take up responsibility of providing. One of the reasons why no matter how much attempt is made at switching roles the natural roles will still fight to stand. I presume the reason why all these talks came about is when husbands felt has the provider they were automatically the 'superior' and downplayed the role of catering by the wives or where wives felt catering for the home is boring and downplaying her providing ability and some because of sentiments just feel nature has cheated them in some way. Any right thinking human knows better than to make realities like this a supremacy battle or tag a role irrelevant. Any man who thinks the role of the wive as caterer is nothing to be compared to the role of providing has probably never done a chore in his life. While wives who think because they play the nurturing role they should be worshiped because they feel nature has cheated them in a way, these kind of women are easily spotted, they're the kinds who are naturally angry that they are the ones who have too get pregnant anyone woman who's like that is obviously good at claiming victim. Such mentality is why debates like this will always be endless, and reasons aren't far fetched, its all from the home. And life with its eff ups shows us that both gender must be able to play each others role, but this doesn't mean there shouldnt be a default and regardless how this role is switched, in a large percentage the husbands will always be and expected to be the major provider and wives nurturing. Who does the job of a Mother better than a Mother. On why the strict roles will always hold especially here in Africa, I think majority of us knows this but because of the misconception of these equality schemes, civilization makes us all want to claim hip we are trying too hard to ignore how both gender are really wired. No matter how much it tries to switch roles we have to agree some roles should never be switched and male provider, woman nutures will always stand, along with others of course there will be exceptions both it will still always come to play. Even the T-bills scenario affirms it. All in all it all boils down to having an appreciative spouse. 1 Like |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by PresVA: 8:40am On May 13, 2016 |
misreal:You're a clown ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Talk about bride price, who fixes the amount ![]() ![]() You men are the one that fix and collect bride price, so why complain? Also, For bride price to be scrapped, men (the elders) must be in support ![]() So why all this fuss about bride price as if na d woman dey chop d money ![]() if you say men are the head of the home, I agree..or say couple own each other as a virtue of the marriage institution, I agree too... not the property-owner thingy you just described... Better still, I will even say they both have 'bought' each other life ![]() 5 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by jadelyn007(f): 9:02am On May 13, 2016 |
misreal:like it's the brides that actually collect these dubious sum of money for bride price. A male friends sister got married the other day and when I asked him why they didn't object to this ungodly bride price amount knowing he would eventually go through same, he said he didn't have a say in the matter. It was actually his uncles who decided. You men perpetrate this exorbitant bribe price, how you turn around and blame it on the brides is totally beyond me! 3 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by jadelyn007(f): 9:03am On May 13, 2016 |
PresVA:I tire o! Very childish thing I tell you! 3 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by joseph1832(m): 9:08am On May 13, 2016 |
bukatyne:Then such family will have themselves condescending to the negative effects of societal norms and religious doctrines, and the negative effects is what is contributing to the high divorce rate in the country. |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by joseph1832(m): 9:17am On May 13, 2016 |
PresVA:The right question should be what is the proportion of men who sponsor their wedding, to that of women who sponsor their wedding? But still I don't subscribe to the believe that whoever sponsors the wedding owns the one who doesn't. That's just wrong!. Talk about bride price, who fixes the amountI believe you know the issue of bride price is fixed by the wife's parents? And they in turn own the money. However, I'll tell you that when my sisters got married, the amount my parents collected was N10,000 and my dad, in everybody's presence, returned the money to there husbands. Each time, my father's words were "My daughter is not for sale". if you say men are the head of the home, I agree..or say couple own each other as a virtue of the marriage institution, I agree too... not the property-owner thingy you just described...In a family I don't believe in the need to identify one as head, and another as tail! To me, what matter is the notion that "we are one" and we function as one indivisible unit, united as one and with one goal. Better still, I will even say they both have 'bought' each other life ![]() Or may be I'm talking too much. |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by PresVA: 9:19am On May 13, 2016 |
jadelyn007:My sister, these young men complaining today are the fathers/uncles/elders who turn out tomorrow to 'kill' their in laws with huge bride price/demand... Ask any of these men complaining on nairaland whether they would reject their daughters' bride price tomorrow, all of them will go mute ![]() ![]() All they do is blame the woman without knowing the solution lies with them. .. Most women know nothing about how bride price is fixed or collected. .. 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by jadelyn007(f): 9:22am On May 13, 2016 |
PresVA:the rate at which they blame women for every damn thing is amazing. Even when you die, they will still blame you in death ![]() 3 Likes |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by PresVA: 9:32am On May 13, 2016 |
joseph1832:@bolded word....Exactly, what I'm talking about.. it lies mostly on the men(fathers) to either collect or reject bride price .. I doubt if your mum would have had the power to return the brideprice ![]() My husband being the head doesn't make me the 'tail' as you put it... I'm a christian hence I subscribe to headship as directed by Christ... it doesn't mean we don't function as one, infact we live like siblings. .. Also, for a group to function effectively, there must be some kinda leadership, like someone who calls the shots, this he does with others' interests at heart too... In the midst of siblings, the older siblings tend to guide/control to ensure orderliness. .. My idea of husbands' headship is entirely different from master-slave relationship. .. |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by joseph1832(m): 9:47am On May 13, 2016 |
PresVA:The bride price is not for my mum (women) so why should she return it? Lol. My husband being the head doesn't make me the 'tail' as you put it... I'm a christian hence I subscribe to headship as directed by Christ... it doesn't mean we don't function as one, infact we live like siblings. ..I'm not saying it makes you the tail, I'm only saying such role as head of the family usually subject the woman to being dominated. Leadership doesn't equate the super imposition of who is head, and who is tail, or who is in the middle. It equates the first of the first: Selflessness How many men of today to be selfless towards their wife's and kids, how many men today will put their wive first before them?. |
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Nobody: 9:59am On May 13, 2016 |
Many people dont even understand what it is to be a leader They think its just eating the biggest meat in the pot and being served hand and foot Being leader is not beans Some people don't even want to be leaders cos they know its not easy A good leader puts his "subjects" first Its about his "subjects" and not him He listens He steers He takes calculated risks He leads He takes the blame when things go wrong Being a leader has great responsibility You are always the go to person 24/7 To lead effectively you must have so many qualities Like I said, its not about beating your chest and saying I am the leader. Show it! 2 Likes |
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