Please House, I am curious as well as confused to know how much of arguments is too much to be called healthy in a relationship.Am talking about arguing on trivial issues based on individual differences.I hope to get Mature Advice from relationship experts and married ones in the house.please help a troubled soul..


cc:mindfulness
cc:bukatyne
and all other posters I've read their insightful comments in the family section, pls come to my aid o

Also interested in this

laraoge:
Please House, I am curious as well as confused to know how much of arguments is too much to be called healthy in a relationship.Am talking about arguing on trivial issues based on individual differences.I hope to get Mature Advice from relationship experts and married ones in the house.please help a troubled soul..


cc:mindfulness
cc:bukatyne
and all other posters I've read their insightful comments in the family section, pls come to my aid o

If you feel troubled on account of these reoccurring disputes then your relationship has gotten to the level which I would call unhealthy.
It is unhealthy if it affects you to the point that you feel emotionally strained.

@ Mindfullness,very true @ reoccurring disputes and feeling emotionall strained....argument with partner usually center on "that's my principle" and I'd tried letting him understand that we have to adjust a bit to each other's preferences, bend and a little sacrifice here and there because partner is coming from a background where he had no father figure to look up to emulate how he treats his mum..so I feel its affecting his relationship with the opposite sex a lot..he always want to prove a point.

laraoge:
Please House, I am curious as well as confused to know how much of arguments is too much to be called healthy in a relationship.Am talking about arguing on trivial issues based on individual differences.I hope to get Mature Advice from relationship experts and married ones in the house.please help a troubled soul..


cc:mindfulness
cc:bukatyne
and all other posters I've read their insightful comments in the family section, pls come to my aid o

When the recurrence of arguments begins to take away your peace and joy, then you know it has crossed what's normal.

And then, when they -arguments- begin to top the 'to-do' list in your relationship, then you know it has crossed the safe limit.

laraoge:
@ Mindfullness,very true @ reoccurring disputes and feeling emotionall strained.. argument with partner usually center on "that's my principle" and I'd tried letting him understand that we have to adjust a bit to each other's preferences, bend and a little sacrifice here and there because partner is coming from a background where he had no father figure to look up to emulate how he treats his mum..so I feel its affecting his relationship with the opposite sex a lot..he always want to prove a point.

The bolded is really something to sort out.If you've got a man who wouldn't bend and it's making you emotionally strained,then you need to weigh the relationship again.

laraoge:
@ Mindfullness,very true @ reoccurring disputes and feeling emotionall strained....argument with partner usually center on "that's my principle" and I'd tried letting him understand that we have to adjust a bit to each other's preferences, bend and a little sacrifice here and there because partner is coming from a background where he had no father figure to look up to emulate how he treats his mum..so I feel its affecting his relationship with the opposite sex a lot..he always want to prove a point.

Can you give me an example of recent where you guys argued over something without going into greater detail?

Argument recently was on kind of names for kids...he wants to name his kids after him but I bluntly refused and proved to him that he's come to fulfill his destiny and his kids would fulfill greater deatinies and second argument was on courtesy but I kept mum over that one...he said he doesn't believe in saying sorry that its to me he started to say sorry...he rather stays on his lane thereby giving no room for hurting anyone...

^^

I will reply later because I am about to leave and do not want to give you a sloppy response to your problem'.
I think it can be fixed.

Just divorce na

You sef like argument walai. 'I bluntly refused' smh. Btw, what do you think is the man's destiny? And how did you know it has no relation to his son?

Mindfulness:
^^

I will reply later because I am about to leave and do not want to give you a sloppy response to your problem'.
I think it can be fixed.

Its OK..I'd be highlighting the arguments as I recall them...waiting

[quote author=YourCoffin post=45776567]Just divorce na

You sef like argument walai. 'I bluntly refused' smh. Btw, what do you think is the man's destiny? And how did you know it has no relation to his son?[/quot
We ain't married yet. On d issue of names, I am typical n spiritual,u might not understand it.

[quote author=laraoge post=45777023][/quote]

And you expect him to? You reason because he's in a relationship with you, he should? Smh

I asked you that question to guage the smartness of your arguements. With the mention of 'typical and spiritual', I already have an opinion.

Madam, there's no practicality in your arguments, that's why he will never get you. To you, you are 'spiritually informed' and therefore he should agree because you said so. If my suspicion of the kind of person the man is, is right, the journey won't be easy for the both of you.

You are not married yet? Then leave him

YourCoffin:


And you expect him to? You reason because he's in a relationship with you, he should? Smh

I asked you that question to guage the smartness of your arguements. With the mention of 'typical and spiritual', I already have an opinion.

Madam, there's no practicality in your arguments, that's why he will never get you. To you, you are 'spiritually informed' and therefore he should agree because you said so. If my suspicion of the kind of person the man is, is right, the journey won't be easy for the both of you.

u must also be a good arguer.its clearly written in ur tone

laraoge:
Please House, I am curious as well as confused to know how much of arguments is too much to be called healthy in a relationship.Am talking about arguing on trivial issues based on individual differences.I hope to get Mature Advice from relationship experts and married ones in the house.please help a troubled soul..


cc:mindfulness
cc:bukatyne
and all other posters I've read their insightful comments in the family section, pls come to my aid o

Hi

Thanks for the mention.

How long have you dated?
What are your age range?

[quote author=bukatyne post=45782271]

Hi

Thanks for the mention.

How long have you dated?
What are your ange range?[/
We are a few weeks old..29 and 34 respectively
Theres sth unique about us, we are bent on making it
work

You guys funny sha.
You are already arguing on a name that will be giving to an unborn child that you are not even should whether it will come out a boy or a girl.
At 29 & 34 you guys should be matured enough not allow this kind of things cause issues.
Like Charley boy said, what will keep you guys is not how compatible you guys are but how you guys are able to deal with ur incompatibility. Take it one day at a time and stop arguing over names of children that are yet to be conceived.

Both of you should learn to have a good sense of humour, that way you don't take things so serious and you disagree/argue less... You can even make jokes out of some arguments. ..

Also, knowing that both of you are one and have each other's interest at heart help curb unnecessary arguments. . You just know your spouse won't want to hurt you intentionally hence ignore some minor stuffs. ..

Learn to live as friends, don't be too serious. ..

All d best nne. .

[quote author=PresVA post=45799880]Both of you should learn to have a good sense of humour, that way you don't take things so serious and you disagree/argue less... You can even make jokes out of some arguments. ..

Also, knowing that both of you are one and have each other's interest at heart help curb unnecessary arguments. . You just know your spouse won't want to hurt you intentionally hence ignore some minor stuffs. ..

Learn to live as friends, don't be too serious. ..
H
All d best nne. .[/quote
@Nnamdibig, ur advise makes a lot of sense.its noted that we should handle our differences with maturity.
@Presva partner doesnt even like any form of joke in between arguments.thats when he sparks evenmore..but am sure we gon heed this advise now cos he's reading these comments too.
Thanks muchos guys!

PresVA:
Both of you should learn to have a good sense of humour, that way you don't take things so serious and you disagree/argue less... You can even make jokes out of some arguments. ..

Also, knowing that both of you are one and have each other's interest at heart help curb unnecessary arguments. . You just know your spouse won't want to hurt you intentionally hence ignore some minor stuffs. ..

Learn to live as friends, don't be too serious. ..

All d best nne. .

Happy birthday dear.

Jah bless you real good.

ElDeeVee:


Happy birthday dear.

Jah bless you real good.

Amen.. thanks dearie

PresVA:
Amen.. thanks dearie

Oh Today's ur birthday?Happy Birthday dear! Wishing u more graceful years on earth!

laraoge:
Argument recently was on kind of names for kids...he wants to name his kids after him but I bluntly refused and proved to him that he's come to fulfill his destiny and his kids would fulfill greater deatinies and second argument was on courtesy but I kept mum over that one...he said he doesn't believe in saying sorry that its to me he started to say sorry...he rather stays on his lane thereby giving no room for hurting anyone...

hmmm. I can look pass the name ish even though it's supposed to be agreed on by both parents, but for the courtesy of saying "sorry" that's deep.
You will really need to watch it and be truthful to yourself if he can live with it.

I consider it unhealthy enough.

Jamean:



hmmm. I can look pass the name ish even though it's supposed to be agreed on by both parents, but for the courtesy of saying "sorry" that's deep.
You will really need to watch it and be truthful to yourself if he can live with it.

I consider it unhealthy enough.

Partner now says sorry frequently tho.he confessed that he learnt to do that with me..he's so egocentric!

PresVA has given you the best piece of advice so far. A good sense of humor can do magic in any relationship.

author=laraoge post=45775539]Argument recently was on kind of names for kids...he wants to name his kids after him but I bluntly refused and proved to him that he's come to fulfill his destiny and his kids would fulfill greater destinies

You are still dating, right?
You are not pregnant, right?

And yet you are discussing the topic as if it is a matter of life and death including all this gibberish about destiny.
The kids will fulfill their destiny even if you name them Mickey Mouse and Harry Potter.

Also acknowledge that your boyfriend is someone who wants to pass on his name like many fathers would like to because it is one of many ways to express their affection. See the good about it instead of looking at it in a negative way. You choose your perspective.
It doesn't mean that you have to agree to his choice of names but if you show some respect and appreciation in the first place for his need to express his affection toward his future children and then proceed from this place to explain why you would like a different name, he will be much more likely to respect your point of view and wishes too instead of feeling that he has to defend himself.

and second argument was on courtesy but I kept mum over that one...he said he doesn't believe in saying sorry that its to me he started to say sorry...he rather stays on his lane thereby giving no room for hurting anyone...

Here you have a man who claims that he does his best to make sure that he does not hurt anyone and you are not satisfied?

It's the same as above. You are very quick to criticize him and slow to find something that you can appreciate.

So let me ask you,

what is it that you like / love / appreciate about him?

Mindfulness:
PresVA has given you the best piece of advice so far. A good sense of humor can do magic in any relationship.



You are still dating, right?
You are not pregnant, right?

And yet you are discussing the topic as if it is a matter of life and death including all this gibberish about destiny.
The kids will fulfill their destiny even if you name them Mickey Mouse and Harry Potter.

Also acknowledge that your boyfriend is someone who wants to pass on his name like many fathers would like to because it is one of many ways to express their affection. See the good about it instead of looking at it in a negative way. You choose your perspective.
It doesn't mean that you have to agree to his choice of names but if you show some respect and appreciation in the first place for his need to express his affection toward his future children and then proceed from this place to explain why you would like a different name, he will be much more likely to respect your point of view and wishes too instead of feeling that he has to defend himself.




Here you have a man who claims that he does his best to make sure that he does not hurt anyone and you are not satisfied?

It's the same as above. You are very quick to criticize him and slow to find something that you can appreciate.

So let me ask you,

what is it that you like / love / appreciate about him?

@mindfullness thank you for d advice.I forgot to mention how good I am criticism too.he's a very wonderful person, nonjudgmental,understanding, a rare breed, and a smartie too...he's all of that and many more.but he gets angry over minute things.

laraoge:

@mindfullness thank you for d advice.I forgot to mention how good I am criticism too.he's a very wonderful person, nonjudgmental,understanding, a rare breed, and a smartie too...he's all of that and many more.but he gets angry over minute things.

You're welcome.

Our flaws is what makes us interesting.

However, ignore his anger. When he gets angry, leave the room, don't listen, do something else, don't even think of it. It's his emotion and his job to deal with it, not yours.You are only responsible for how you feel. And if you want to feel good, practice appreciation of the good you find in people and the good that life brings to you.

Don't take life and relationships so seriously, they are meant to be fun.

@laraoge

You have gotten good advises already.

I will say at 27 & 34, you both have a lot of compromising and bending backwards to do. You are bringing different baggage into it and need to learn, unlearn and re-learn new things aka learning what your man/woman wants and not what 'all men/women want'

This is the time to really learn to respect other views and actually listen to what one another is saying without jumping into conclusion. No more this is how it is done in my family etc. and be open to new ideas without losing your principles.

Goodluck on your journey... not easy but worth it at the end if he's the one.

laraoge:

Partner now says sorry frequently tho.he confessed that he learnt to do that with me..he's so egocentric!

My emphasis is; let the sorry be sincere.

laraoge:
Argument recently was on kind of names for kids...he wants to name his kids after him but I bluntly refused and proved to him that he's come to fulfill his destiny and his kids would fulfill greater deatinies and second argument was on courtesy but I kept mum over that one...he said he doesn't believe in saying sorry that its to me he started to say sorry...he rather stays on his lane thereby giving no room for hurting anyone...

My neigbhour divorced his wife over name for their son. It was like film to other neigbhours. Funny enough the name he wanted to give his child was not so good to the ears. The wife wanted something like ayomide in his native language. The wife refused his own name and he sent both mother n son away

Learn to argue less. Keep mute when he brings his opinion. Then jokingly tease him after that. For the name just tell him you feel so so and so will be good as well. Then wait till the child arrives. He may even go with ur choice. If he doesn't say sorry. When he offends you. You can say on your behalf I appologised to myself. I have an aunt whose niece to the husband wouldn't say Thank You when given something. My aunty will then tell the niece . Chioma, on ur behalf, Thank You for the dress i gave you. With time the niece started saying Thank you

laraoge:
u must also be a good arguer.its clearly written in ur tone

Na. Don't argue much. Most times I just keep quiet and do my mind after. When I do argue, I'm passionate about it. The tone though was used here for a purpose.

I think Mindfulness has elaborated on what I was trying to pass across. Frequent arguements are actuall healthy. At least from my own point of view. It's how constitutions are born, reviewed and maintained. It how great ideas are examined, even down to the smallest details. It's through such arguments that one gets an immense sense of clarity on things. You might not know it but one little argument on something trivial today can influence one's perspective on something important tomorrow.

The problem arises from the method used, which is why I have a problem with your mention of 'spiritual' because that standpoint rarely deals with facts and for arguments to have positive outcomes they need examination of facts. For instance, you mentioned he has started saying sorry to you. Now compare the method you used to get him to do that to the one used on choosing the name of your kids. I'm pretty sure you didn't go spriritual on that one. You might have told him: this is what happens if you don't say sorry often and he got you because he saw the facts in what you said. Not the mumbo jumbo on destiny, which strays far away from realism.

Smart people are stubborn but also very quick to learn. They can't learn if they don't argue. Your guy learns by arguing. I can't say the same of you though. If what you're saying isn't clear to him, he will dump it as fast you dump a hot pot.

I'm tired of typing jare. Thankwhoever that sleep has finally come. Just tweak the way you argue and you guys will be fine.