Just a brief question - has anyone in here used the services of a marriage counselor, prior to marriage.

If so how helpful did you find the experience?

How many sessions did you have?

What did you find out about your potential spouse?

Well, I did.
It's compulsory to attend it in the Catholic Church. 6 months in advance.

Before I went for it I thought we were gonna be taught about Catholic stuff like prayers etc.

It was very interesting I must say.
We went through Communication, conflict handling, in-laws, Sex, children, religion, finances and the sacrament part of what marriage means within the church, expectations and reality, common causes of marriage breakdown. We also did case studies.

We had different presenters for each section who are expects in different subject matters.
Interestingly all were priests.

Though I would have preferred the Sex part to be presented by a married person.

But it will be your best investment than wedding day preparation.

Don't doubt, go for it.

Congratulations. All the best.

What is the purpose of a marriage counselor after settling millions of cases between our parents?
Waste of precious time and resources!

chineloSA:
Well, I did.
It's compulsory to attend it in the Catholic Church. 6 months in advance.

Before I went for it I thought we were gonna be taught about Catholic stuff like prayers etc.

It was very interesting I must say.
We went through Communication, conflict handling, in-laws, Sex, children, religion, finances and the sacrament part of what marriage means within the church, expectations and reality, common causes of marriage breakdown. We also did case studies.

We had different presenters for each section who are expects in different subject matters.
Interestingly all were priests.

Though I would have preferred the Sex part to be presented by a married person.

But it will be your best investment than wedding day preparation.

Don't doubt, go for it.

Congratulations. All the best.

Hmmm, Nice.... I'm really looking forward to the marriage course.... Heard it's very interesting and educative... Will even be more interesting as me and fiance will be doing it at the same parish... Ours will be for 3 months though...

Op, attending a Marriage course isn't a bad idea at all so you should consider it..

What you gain in pre-marital counselling classes really depends on you. I attended an 8 week intensive class and believe me, it was the best thing I ever did. I enjoy the fruits every day. But I know couples who attended the same classes and because they did it just to "fulfill all righteousness" and took no further heed to it's lessons, I see the strains in their marriages. Strains and stresses from non-issues they were taught how to handle during PMC.

In Nigeria, most churches conduct some sort of PMC. Some are serious, others are a waste of everyone's time. But if you are about to get married, I advice you find proper counsellors. It will save you a whole lot of grief in future. Take it from a guy who knows.


P.s., your spouse must be as committed as you, if not.......

I believe pre-marital counselling is absolutely important in order to increase the chances of a successful marriage especially in these times. I understand why people are skeptical but look at it this way, would you start business without proper investment, researching the industry, and start up cost etc? Marriage is the same and even more important considering, this is the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with, right?

Successful marriage/family/home/children needs adequate preparation, as much as is within the couple's power.
You can get access to a counsellor in Nigeria believe it or not.
If you are a person of faith, there are some churches that provide thorough pre-marital counselling. (ask friends, colleagues, other married folks)
If you are not able to find one or you simply prefer a neutral professionally certified counsellor then search online forums/newspapers for counsellors in your state. You will be surprised what you find. Do your research, make sure you ask to see the counsellors certification.
One in Lagos is 'www.hearwithmscelest.com'
There are some counselling companies in the UK and USA (examples) that will offer online counselling, where you are able to Skype in with your partner and your counsellor. This may be an issue for some especially considering additional Internet cost & service disruptions.

Also, you and your partner can research and purchase some relationship books, read and work on them together.

I attended twice and had my sister represent me for the rest. I don't know what people who are never married plan to teach me. Marriage has no formula, you go in their and create yours. I never wished I spent my time attending.

byvan03:
I attended twice and had my sister represent me for the rest. I don't know what people who are never married plan to teach me. Marriage has no formula, you go in their and create yours. I never wished I spent my time attending.

You ehn!

Frank as Franklin

As posters above me has said, most churches organize a compulsory pre-marriagr counselling.

Attended during my time & knew almost all we were taught already.

bukatyne:


You ehn!

Frank as Franklin

As posters above me has said, most churches organize a compulsory pre-marriagr counselling.

Attended during my time & knew almost all we were taught already.

Ours was organised by the church too and very compulsory , my sister was attending on my behalf. I really don't know wetin people that are not married and never will be married planned to teach me. Nah priests and Reverend sisters dey conduct our own . Even the people teaching don't have it intact, so it's better I develop my own formula jare.

Didn't have to. Wasn't in the country then so worked out FOINE.

@ Byvan03

Apostle Paul wasn't married but he wrote quite a lot about marriage and how the Christian family should be. This he could do by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

Pastor Poju Oyemade of Covenant Christian Centre is married for not more than a year but he had powerful ministrations on marriage.

Same applies for your Reverend Fathers and Sisters. God can use anyone to pass his message to us. His ways are higher than our ways.

BTW, I don't support your sister representing you. You deceived the counselor and church institutions. I also consider some things too sensitive to delegate, I just believe there are spiritual implications to it.

As a teenager I heard of a true life story of a lady that was few weeks pregnant before her wedding, so with the intention of deceiving the church asked her friend to take the pregnancy test which of course came out negative and presented to the church.

Wedding ceremony was done and everyone went their way. In due time she had a baby. The friend got married and had no child for 11years. Tests results showed that she and her husband were very fit for childbearing. Not until they went for spiritual enquiry and learnt that it was what she did for her friend 11years ago. They deceived the church.

I hope you get my point.

Jamean:

@ Byvan03

Apostle Paul wasn't married but he wrote quite a lot about marriage and how the Christian family should be. This he could do by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

Pastor Poju Oyemade of Covenant Christian Centre is married for not more than a year but he had powerful ministrations on marriage.

Same applies for your Reverend Fathers and Sisters. God can use anyone to pass his message to us. His ways are higher than our ways.

BTW, I don't support your sister representing you. You deceived the counselor and church institutions. I also consider some things too sensitive to delegate, I just believe there are spiritual implications to it.

As a teenager I heard of a true life story of a lady that was few weeks pregnant before her wedding, so with the intention of deceiving the church asked her friend to take the pregnancy test which of course came out negative and presented to the church.

Wedding ceremony was done and everyone went their way. In due time she had a baby. The friend got married and had no child for 11years. Tests results showed that she and her husband were very fit for childbearing. Not until they went for spiritual enquiry and learnt that it was what she did for her friend 11years ago. They deceived the church.

I hope you get my point.

My dear as far as marriage is concerned no one has it fixed enough to pass any message to me, that's just the truth. I believe in go and develop your own formula that works. No need listening to text book theories or do as as I say but don't do as I do kind of preaching. My first point of call towards a successful marriage was to unlearn everything marriage related I have heard or been taught, then start a new course of learning right inside it. The story you added is interesting but not really related to my point. I don't even believe in all those talk to someone he trusts or someone he respects kind of advise jare, just get fixed how it works for you. God and our initiative will always guide us in navigating through these corners.


Deceiving the counsel? Actually if there are no rules, then none can be broken. No one said you can't be represented or were you told so? There surely will be spiritual implications for anyone that relates everything to spirituality. As a matter of fact they didn't sign my card to completion because even my sister couldn't go till the end , the Reverend refused to give me whatever I was supposed to be given. I forgot about him, eventually there was no need for the card. I wedded without being asked about it, doesn't this tell you that God is for the wedding no matter what the earthly judges say? .

bukatyne:


You ehn!

Frank as Franklin

As posters above me has said, most churches organize a compulsory pre-marriagr counselling.

Attended during my time & knew almost all we were taught already.

Yesooo, my church too. I had no time and energy for it at the time when they told me how long it's going to take. Seriously if those unnecessary delays are effective we won't be hearing of divorce here and there.

Truth is the best pre-marriage counselling can do is to show an intending couple they are not right, or ready for each other, or that the timing for them is wrong.

A couple that is mature enough and committed will not fail for want of PMC and a couple that aren't, will not succeed because of it.

It may make a marginal difference in preparedness or dealing with issues, but nothing more. Truss me


TV

^{...but it won't hurt sha. And you may have to do it to fulfil all righteousness}

byvan03:




Yesooo, my church too. I had no time and energy for it at the time when they told me how long it's going to take. Seriously if those unnecessary delays are effective we won't be hearing of divorce here and there.

Any couple waiting for 3mths to their wedding to learn any fantastic thing has obviously played during courtship and might not be ready for marriage after all.

@Jamean:

Like the blunt chairman during my pastor's daughter's wedding, there is no secret formulae for marriage and the two people in it should know themselves and what works for them.

All Paul said was husband love your wives; wives submit to your husbands.... He even felt marriage was a burden and people should marry if they cannot control their sexual urge.

bukatyne:


Any couple waiting for 3mths to their wedding to learn any fantastic thing has obviously played during courtship and might not be ready for marriage after all.

Lol, abi...

With all the PMCs marriages are still breaking up left, right and centre.

Ishilove:
With all the PMCs marriages are still breaking up left, right and centre.

The very reason why marriage is suppose to be a personal thing, and as such, its suppose to be defined by the two people involve, not society or religion.

joseph1832:
The very reason why marriage is suppose to be a personal thing, and as such, its suppose to be defined by the two people involve, not society or religion.

Marriage - whether you believe it is religious or culturally derived - is first and foremost a societal artefact. It is in fact, society' way of affirming the prime relationship that underpins the very notion of society itself.

It why the announcement and ceremony are very publicly carried out. The couple declare their intent to join the institution, society in turn acknowledges, and celebrates with them.

The definition of marriage remains with society - what it is, what it is for - the "dynamics" of any individual union is however, down to the couple. A seemingly minor but important distinction.


TV

TV01:

Marriage - whether you believe it is religious or culturally derived - is first and foremost a societal artefact. It is in fact, society' way of affirming the prime relationship that underpins the very notion of society itself.

No doubt. But we all know society has it own very unique way of being full of sh1t.

It why the announcement and ceremony are very publicly carried out. The couple declare their intent to join the institution, society in turn acknowledges, and celebrates with them.

This is why I said its a personal thing, must one announce his marriage plans, and call multitude of people who will not even contribute half a penny to the couples welfare.

Even if marriage is a societal artifact, I still believe the persons intending to get married, don't need society's approval, but the approval of the person one intend to get married to, and their parents. (if need be)

The definition of marriage remains with society - what it is, what it is for - the "dynamics" of any individual union is however down to the couple. A seemingly minor but important distinction.


TV

I believe you know fully well that, we now live in the post modernist era, where everything is subjected to various degree of personal interpretation and definition, thus forming, uninformed opinion?

People just attend them because it is among the rules before you can be wedded.
It does not change a spouse, how many people even remember or practice what they said during those marriage classes?

Ishilove:
With all the PMCs marriages are still breaking up left, right and centre.

Because the quality of counsellors may not be the best and the couple attending the counselling may not care about it and are only doing it for formality.

Sometimes when I read this Nairaland, I am always impressed by posters: how they have got their shi.t together! How they entered marriage so prepared! Knowing how to handle finances, family, delayed parenthood, loss of income, loss of a child, conflict, external pressures from work, differences in outlook and upbringing, stress from day to day living, infact how perfect they are. How can us mere mortals even dare aspire to such greatness.
I suspect people like TV01, Tearoses, Lewstherin, Thorpido had some sort of marital counselling whereby they learned a thing or 2, forgot the rest but were grateful that at least taking those classes forced them to discuss some things with their spouse. I took mine for 3 months, didn't like it at first but appreciated it later: every time Himself and I wanted to quit, we remembered how much time we had spent at those 2-plus hour classes and sat our butts back down. At least it taught us 2 things: conflict resolution is talking and not walking away and it is "our money".

joseph1832:
No doubt. But we all know society has it own very unique way of being full of sh1t.

We are all free to make efforts to clear the excrement . I am personally a big fan of "received societal wisdom". However, attempts to vary it are fine, but we should do so with due consideration.

joseph1832:
This is why I said its a personal thing, must one announce his marriage plans, and call multitude of people who will not even contribute half a penny to the couples welfare.

That is besides the point. Society recognises it. All and sundry know what it means and entails. It carries prestige and legal/state recognition, regardless of the fuss made, or those party to the actual ceremony.

joseph1832:
Even if marriage is a societal artifact, I still believe the persons intending to get married, don't need society's approval, but the approval of the person one intend to get married to, and their parents. (if need be)

That's part of the beauty of marriage - it's very light touch in terms of regulations/oversight. The institutions provides manifold benefits, with little or no downside.

So we encourage and support, rather than deter or burden. Restrictions are minimal, and once you fulfil the criteria, off you go. Society does not police you.

joseph1832:
I believe you know fully well that, we now live in the post modernist era, where everything is subjected to various degree of personal interpretation and definition, thus forming, uninformed opinion?

And there is sufficient room within it's definition and criteria to personalise it - without a deleterious effect on it's purpose - hence my reference to the dynamic of individual unions.

However, if marriage simply becomes whatever a couple want it to be, then it effectively becomes meaningless, and difficult, if not nigh on impossible for society to recognise or codify, celebrate or support.

The crux however, will be whether it delivers the same benefits at the same cost, if everyone interpretes marriage as they personally desire.


TV

TV01:

We are all free to make efforts to clear the excrement . I am personally a big fan of "received societal wisdom". However, attempts to vary it are fine, but we should do so with due consideration.

Agreed.

That is besides the point. Society recognises it. All and sundry know what it means and entails. It carries prestige and legal/state recognition, regardless of the fuss made, or those party to the actual ceremony.

LOL. Remember all work and noo play make Lezz a doll boy. I still believe in couples being silent as regard throwing enormous marriage ceremonies, but then again, its left for the couples to decide.

That's part of the beauty of marriage - it's very light touch in terms of regulations/oversight. The institutions provides manifold benefits, with little or no downside.

You think? If those regulations/oversight involve allowing and applauding situations where the husbands cheats, and the wife is expected to keep mute, I'll say such beauty is a sham waiting to blow up.

Society can prove to be a class act deviant most times, this we've seen over and over again, as regard what society hold normal, in term of marriage.

So we encourage and support, rather than deter or burden. Restrictions are minimal, and once you fulfil the criteria, off you go. Society does not police you.

I believe me you by 'you' you mean the man, cos as far as I know in today's Nigeria, society has made it its business to police the woman.

And there is sufficient room within it's definition and criteria to personalise it - without a deleterious effect on it's purpose - hence my reference to the dynamic of individual unions.

Understood.

However, if marriage simply becomes whatever a couple want it to be, then it effectively becomes meaningless, and difficult, if not nigh on impossible for society to recognise or codify, celebrate or support.

The crux however, will be whether it delivers the same benefits at the same cost, if everyone interpretes marriage as they personally desire.


TV

Well I believe this applies to you and you alone. Because I believe my marriage should be a personal thing, many couples enter marriage looking for different things, for me, when I walk that path, happiness is my forte, and I'll damn well make sure its devoid of any nonsensical societal belief, norm or value system.

joseph1832:
LOL. Remember all work and noo play make Lezz a doll boy. I still believe in couples being silent as regard throwing enormous marriage ceremonies, but then again, its left for the couples to decide.

My point being, it's not the fanfare, or lack of it that make it a marriage. Those are the secondary things left to the couple to decide. Marriage is indifferent to that.

joseph1832:
You think? If those regulations/oversight involve allowing and applauding situations where the husbands cheats, and the wife is expected to keep mute, I'll say such beauty is a sham waiting to blow up.

Don't conflate what individuals do "within marriage", with "what marriage is". The people, with the institution. What you have described here is clearly a breach of what marriage is supposed to be.

joseph1832:
Society can prove to be a class act deviant most times, this we've seen over and over again, as regard what society hold normal, in term of marriage.

As above

joseph1832:
I believe me you by 'you' you mean the man, cos as far as I know in today's Nigeria, society has made it its business to police the woman.

Lets' not talk at cross purposes. I refer to the institution, not what anyone decides to do once in it.

joseph1832:
Well I believe this applies to you and you alone. Because I believe my marriage should be a personal thing, many couples enter marriage looking for different things, for me, when I walk that path, happiness is my forte, and I'll damn well make sure its devoid of any nonsensical societal belief, norm or value system.

It's personal in how you live it out and your dynamic with your spouse. But in terms of our being married, we are fungible in the eyes of society.

A married couple is a married couple - distinct from a non-marital relationship. How we live it may differ. If every marriage is defined by those involved alone, the term becomes meaningless.

I get it about personalised individual marriage relationships, but not about marriage per se.


TV

byvan03:



Lol, abi...

We courted for 8yrs (catch them young things ) and what I didn't learn/know in 8yrs it is 3mths I will learn?

bukatyne:


We courted for 8yrs (catch them young things ) and what I didn't learn/know in 8yrs it is 3mths I will learn?

Lol, true. Wow 8 !!! Me go don tire .

byvan03:




Lol, true. Wow 8 !!! Me go don tire .

100L - 1+ years post working experience

We were already married and the wedding ceremony was just formalities and legalization of Ikiriwowo

bukatyne:


100L - 1+ years post working experience

We were already married and the wedding ceremony was just formalities and legalization of Ikiriwowo

Ewooo!!! I doubt if I can trust enough to wait for that long. I no need tales by moonlight after person don wait for years.

I attended counselling sessions organised by the church which was part of marriage requirements.
I feel however that what will make an individual(or couple) excel in marriage is dependent on what they must have built in themselves over the years and their determination to make their marriages work.

One could learn a thing or two from pre-marraige counselling sessions so i don't think it's a waste of time.

byvan03:




Ewooo!!! I doubt if I can trust enough to wait for that long. I no need tales by moonlight after person don wait for years.

Dude said he wanted a wife @ 20+ and he engaged his senior colleagues, both families (excluding the parents sha ) and fellowship leaders knew about the relationship.

He proposed after school and again when we started working

He came to my parents immediately after service that say his intentions and he was going to get a job so we can get married. Interestingly, my younger bro looks up to him like an elder brother and did same to the parents (our pastor ) of the lady he wants to marry.

Very focused young man

I no follow do relationship without direction, we were just waiting to make money to fend for ourselves and marwi