EfemenaXY, Nne your last lengthy paragraph nah die, the adjectives and adverbs worry me badly . How did she wait? She waited meekly . How did she beg? She begged cap in hand .

EfemenaXY:


Eddy. No one can make you feel "something is wrong with you" unless you let them. For you to have even felt that way means you probably at some point had self-doubts about your decision to be a stay at home mum during that period. I keep telling you, you worry toooooooo much about what people think. You need to firm up girl!
Valid point.

Efe i was a young wife with an international degree couple with work experience abroad then moves to Nigeria and decides to stay at home- so yes, when you have a friend like that,if you don't have a strong morale system and support from your family and spouse,you will succumb easily. It has nothing to do with self-doubt because it's something i wanted,mum did it, my two sisters did it.

My problem with people is this; Why do people always want to find holes in others? Why is my lifestyle or the way i choose to live or do things bother you so much? I just don't get these kind of human beings.So I question what they represent,it's baffling to me.

Or maybe they just didn't get it.

I also totally get Byvan03's angle. Naija is tough. Employers aren't that understanding. Access to cheaper child care options are easier but at the same time, if you don't have an understanding partner and are unlucky to have one who thinks being a stay at home mum = common housewife, then yes, such women are forced to get up and get moving. There's nothing more degrading for a woman to go cap in hand begging her "husband" to give her pocket money to buy herself sanitary towels. Or having to watch the man reluctantly count out the pennies / kobo while she meekly (and patiently waits).

Anyway, the title of this thread is vexing.

I think Nigerians have a problem, they compare their marriages,families with others.We are not all married to the same spouses,our marriages are not the same,we don't come from the same families,we are all different.

When a woman is married to a man who is selfish and unbothered,i don't see why a woman like this will even consider staying at home,honestly.It is all about contentment. You don't even have to beg for sanitary towel if you are in a fulfilled marriage.

Not all marriages are the same. I will give you two examples.

1)Hubby depending on what he does for a living or income,deposits some amount of money monthly or every quarter of the year into your account.From there,you manage anything that has to do with the household.Any other big expenses he handles it.How will this woman ask for sanitary towel?

2) Hubby has a fix salary, he gives you every end of the month money to care for the house-before the end of the month, you have exhausted everything, so you run out of money and realises you didn't buy sanitary towel.You call hubby,baby please on your way home,get me some sanitary towel-i am broke . As a loving and caring hubby, he buys you 3 packs plus any other thing he thought you might need.What is condescending here? All these young girls who ask for money to make their hair,buy recharge cards to man that are not their husbands-find it normal but my husband/soul mate/best friend/lover i should find it condescending? or like you put it, having to watch the man reluctantly count out the pennies / kobo while she meekly (and patiently waits) and she patiently watches with her poppy eyes when he hands her the money and she nodes negatively and he brings some more,still she wouldn't budge then he says,love you know i need to do something with the money,okay two more notes, are you happy now? she softly kisses him on the lips as he lives for work whispering take care of you and my babies, i will see you later (happy wife, happy home, fulfilled life) . Like I said, it depends on the dynamic of your marriage.

I have learned early in marriage, that you should never compare your marriage to others.This my friend was the one who thought me that by her attitude.After talking to my mum(woman extra ordinary) and hubby, i developed a tactic on how to dismiss her remarks.My sister wanted me to drop her but i didn't. Meanwhile, I started making friends with other housewives,one i respect till date-a very contented woman, i learned a lot from her.

One day, she came back from one of her regional meetings(she's a banker) to my house.I was enjoying a cool bottle of malt while watching the kids play .She was like, you no get problem o....I asked why? She needs some money, the rent is due and normally her husband brings his half and she does the same but she didn't have the complete money because she had to send money to her bother and also fix her car.

I was like but your husband will understand, he will pay for the rent after all are you not his wife? She laughed and said, we don't operate like this, we always pay individually for things in the house.I do my part and he does his, even with the kids school fees 50-50.Now you must imagine my reaction,yeah?(evil grins).
I had to be human here, i calmly told her, i didn't understand what she was talking about, it sounds Chinese to me-i don't even know how it feels to pay school fees,hubby got that one. and of course, i didn't expect her to understand what it's like to just wake up in the morning and not worry about rent,school fees,car,utility bills because your spouse deals with those. all you have to do is to take care of your beautiful house, kids and look pretty and sexy .

In Nigeria or anywhere in the world, you can still live a very fulfilled life as long as it's YOUR choice or a joint decision with YOUR spouse.
Not everyone has to have a white collar job, you can be a stay at home and as soon as the kids are of school age, you can decide to pursue other things and in a country like Nigeria, one needs to always think outside the box.Not many people are satisfied with their jobs, as long as it pays bills,they are okay.As much as I love what i do, i have plan to stop working for people and become my own Boss.

Many women in Nigeria are not even stay at home mums by choice, the lack of jobs in the country force them to stay home and depend on their husbands.

[size=2pt]**only kimoni and efe make me write epistles *** phew drinks cold water.[/size]

EfemenaXY:


Eddy. No one can make you feel "something is wrong with you" unless you let them. For you to have even felt that way means you probably at some point had self-doubts about your decision to be a stay at home mum during that period. I keep telling you, you worry toooooooo much about what people think. You need to firm up girl!

Well, whether you stay at home or whether you decide to resume work quickly, either way, people will judge you so why bother?

Valid point.

Or maybe they just didn't get it. It works differently over here. At least there's a support structure for stay at home mums over here. Some do it out of necessity. Why rush back to work if you're only going to end up spending all that money on child care? The younger the child, the more expensive the child care. Fancy spending nearly £300 per week on one child. Then how much more will be spent if the couple have 2, 3, or more kids? Over £1,000 per week. To prove what na? Not forgetting women are entitled to a full one year's maternity leave of which depending on your employer, you get paid 90 - 100% of your normal salary for the first six months, a reduced amount for the next 3 months, then nothing for the last 3 months - but you're still on the company's books as an employee.

Exactly, and that's how it is supposed to be. There must be some family support system and laws protecting mothers.

I also totally get Byvan03's angle. Naija is tough. Employers aren't that understanding. Access to cheaper child care options are easier but at the same time, if you don't have an understanding partner and are unlucky to have one who thinks being a stay at home mum = common housewife, then yes, such women are forced to get up and get moving. There's nothing more degrading for a woman to go cap in hand begging her "husband" to give her pocket money to buy herself sanitary towels. Or having to watch the man reluctantly count out the pennies / kobo while she meekly (and patiently waits).

Anyway, the title of this thread is vexing.

Every husband who reasons this way should be made a stay at home father for a week and be expected to have the house clean and the food hot and the kids bathed and happy by the time I come from work so that he learns to respect the work that is done at home in his absence.

EfemenaXY:


Morning dear - we're all good oh. You and yours?

Waiting for my delayed train. I tire....

Looking forward to the Bank Holiday weekend sha

Waiting by the railway..
Waiting for the train...
Coming down the line

Remember that primary rhyme?

We are all good thanks

byvan03:
EfemenaXY, Nne your last lengthy paragraph nah die, the adjectives and adverbs worry me badly . How did she wait? She waited meekly . How did she beg? She begged cap in hand .

Lol! Free me jare.

edwife:


Efe i was a young wife with an international degree couple with work experience abroad then moves to Nigeria and decides to stay at home- so yes, when you have a friend like that,if you don't have a strong morale system and support from your family and spouse,you will succumb easily. It has nothing to do with self-doubt because it's something i wanted,mum did it, my two sisters did it.

My problem with people is this; Why do people always want to find holes in others? Why is my lifestyle or the way i choose to live or do things bother you so much? I just don't get these kind of human beings.So I question what they represent,it's baffling to me.



I think Nigerians have a problem, they compare their marriages,families with others.We are not all married to the same spouses,our marriages are not the same,we don't come from the same families,we are all different.

When a woman is married to a man who is selfish and unbothered,i don't see why a woman like this will even consider staying at home,honestly.It is all about contentment. You don't even have to beg for sanitary towel if you are in a fulfilled marriage.

Not all marriages are the same. I will give you two examples.

1)Hubby depending on what he does for a living or income,deposits some amount of money monthly or every quarter of the year into your account.From there,you manage anything that has to do with the household.Any other big expenses he handles it.How will this woman ask for sanitary towel?

2) Hubby has a fix salary, he gives you every end of the month money to care for the house-before the end of the month, you have exhausted everything, so you run out of money and realises you didn't buy sanitary towel.You call hubby,baby please on your way home,get me some sanitary towel-i am broke . As a loving and caring hubby, he buys you 3 packs plus any other thing he thought you might need.What is condescending here? All these young girls who ask for money to make their hair,buy recharge cards to man that are not their husbands-find it normal but my husband/soul mate/best friend/lover i should find it condescending? or like you put it, having to watch the man reluctantly count out the pennies / kobo while she meekly (and patiently waits) and she patiently watches with her poppy eyes when he hands her the money and she nodes negatively and he brings some more,still she wouldn't budge then he says,love you know i need to do something with the money,okay two more notes, are you happy now? she softly kisses him on the lips as he lives for work whispering take care of you and my babies, i will see you later (happy wife, happy home, fulfilled life) . Like I said, it depends on the dynamic of your marriage.

I have learned early in marriage, that you should never compare your marriage to others.This my friend was the one who thought me that by her attitude.After talking to my mum(woman extra ordinary) and hubby, i developed a tactic on how to dismiss her remarks.My sister wanted me to drop her but i didn't. Meanwhile, I started making friends with other housewives,one i respect till date-a very contented woman, i learned a lot from her.

One day, she came back from one of her regional meetings(she's a banker) to my house.I was enjoying a cool bottle of malt while watching the kids play .She was like, you no get problem o....I asked why? She needs some money, the rent is due and normally her husband brings his half and she does the same but she didn't have the complete money because she had to send money to her bother and also fix her car.

I was like but your husband will understand, he will pay for the rent after all are you not his wife? She laughed and said, we don't operate like this, we always pay individually for things in the house.I do my part and he does his, even with the kids school fees 50-50.Now you must imagine my reaction,yeah?(evil grins).
I had to be human here, i calmly told her, i didn't understand what she was talking about, it sounds Chinese to me-i don't even know how it feels to pay school fees,hubby got that one. and of course, i didn't expect her to understand what it's like to just wake up in the morning and not worry about rent,school fees,car,utility bills because your spouse deals with those. all you have to do is to take care of your beautiful house, kids and look pretty and sexy .

In Nigeria or anywhere in the world, you can still live a very fulfilled life as long as it's YOUR choice or a joint decision with YOUR spouse.
Not everyone has to have a white collar job, you can be a stay at home and as soon as the kids are of school age, you can decide to pursue other things and in a country like Nigeria, one needs to always think outside the box.Not many people are satisfied with their jobs, as long as it pays bills,they are okay.As much as I love what i do, i have plan to stop working for people and become my own Boss.

Many women in Nigeria are not even stay at home mums by choice, the lack of jobs in the country force them to stay home and depend on their husbands.

[size=2pt]**only kimoni and efe make me write epistles *** phew drinks cold water.[/size]

Wow... What a n epistle -- quite a darned thoughtful one. This time we're taking your signature the other way. You're responsible for what I'm made to understand here. Nice!!

DAvIt0:
Wow... What a n epistle -- quite a darned thoughtful one. This time we're taking your signature the other way. You're responsible for what I'm made to understand here. Nice!!

Lol, thanks.

expansion1:
Morning All, should a woman be in search of employment when the husband doesn't consent to her working. even though she was asked to resign her previous job due to some important needs.

How do you, yourself, feel about those "important reasons?" This is a topic for husband and wife

People should choose what's best for their model of family
There are all sorts of marriages/dynamics that drive marriages/households
There is no right or wrong

sisi edwife, People sometimes use their own cloth to try and sew your own clothes; of course it wont fit.
I had a contractor once ask me why I was not helping "awon daddy" because I am a part time permanent member of staff by choice.
I asked her if awon daddy asked for her help.
Soon after her contract ended and she now works away from home and comes home only weekends.
That is totally alien to me
So as she is feeling sorry for awon daddy, I am feeling sorry for her
For me, being outside my kids school gates every day and a hot meal waiting for them is more important to me than a yearly trip to Disney
We all have our different needs, priorities, wants and things that make us happy
So don't let anyone make you feel bad for any decisions that you take.
You knew why you took them, and they are personal to you

so back to my opening statement, there is no right or wrong, so long as you are taking the best decision that best suits you and not what others expect of you.

expansion1:
Morning All, should a woman be in search of employment when the husband doesn't consent to her working. even though she was asked to resign her previous job due to some important needs.

To be honest with you, this is not a NL question, because Nairalnders don't know the genesis and the dynamics of your particular relationship.
What are his reasons and is he prepared to bridge the gap?
What are your own career aspirations?
Will you be well catered for?
Is it a short or long term agreement?
Are there any investments that you can both fall back on if God forbid he dies or looses his own source of income?
To be honest these are discussions that you should be having with him because we don't have the full story.

tearoses:
People should choose what's best for their model of family
There are all sorts of marriages/dynamics that drive marriages/households
There is no right or wrong

sisi edwife, People sometimes use their own cloth to try and sew your own clothes; of course it wont fit.
I had a contractor once ask me why I was not helping "awon daddy" because I am a part time permanent member of staff by choice.
I asked her if awon daddy asked for her help.
Soon after her contract ended and she now works away from home and comes home only weekends.
That is totally alien to me
So as she is feeling sorry for awon daddy, I am feeling sorry for her
For me, being outside my kids school gates every day and a hot meal waiting for them is more important to me than a yearly trip to Disney
We all have our different needs, priorities, wants and things that make us happy
So don't let anyone make you feel bad for any decisions that you take.
You knew why you took them, and they are personal to you

so back to my opening statement, there is no right or wrong, so long as you are taking the best decision that best suits you and not what others expect of you.

double post.

tearoses:
People should choose what's best for their model of family
There are all sorts of marriages/dynamics that drive marriages/households
There is no right or wrong

sisi edwife, People sometimes use their own cloth to try and sew your own clothes; of course it wont fit.
I had a contractor once ask me why I was not helping "awon daddy" because I am a part time permanent member of staff by choice.
I asked her if awon daddy asked for her help.
Soon after her contract ended and she now works away from home and comes home only weekends.
That is totally alien to me
So as she is feeling sorry for awon daddy, I am feeling sorry for her
For me, being outside my kids school gates every day and a hot meal waiting for them is more important to me than a yearly trip to Disney
We all have our different needs, priorities, wants and things that make us happy
So don't let anyone make you feel bad for any decisions that you take.
You knew why you took them, and they are personal to you

so back to my opening statement, there is no right or wrong, so long as you are taking the best decision that best suits you and not what others expect of you.

I said this here:

I think Nigerians have a problem, they compare their marriages,families,circumstances with others.We are not all married to the same spouses,our marriages are not the same,we don't come from the same families,we are all different.

That all I can say.

tearoses:
People should choose what's best for their model of family
There are all sorts of marriages/dynamics that drive marriages/households
There is no right or wrong

so back to my opening statement, there is no right or wrong, so long as you are taking the best decision that best suits you and not what others expect of you.

Kimoni:

o n ranju abi
What havent you not read here or seen in real life
There are so many different ways that people run their marriages
Work, dont work, provide all, dont do housework, do housework, stay home mum, stay home dad, his chair and cup, contact ex girlfriend, provide all, build house in my name, build house behind her/his back, next of kin brother, LD marriage, short distance marriage, lock phone, unlock phone. . . . .Ive heard so much.

Some things will break some homes and some things are norm for others. what is normal for you may be abnormal for others and vise versa.

Everyone should work by their own watches, so long as they are both happy and their chosen model works for them.

tearoses:


o n ranju abi
What havent you not read here or seen in real life
There are so many different ways that people run their marriages
Work, dont work, provide all, dont do housework, do housework, stay home mum, stay home dad, his chair and cup, contact ex girlfriend, provide all, build house in my name, build house behind her/his back, next of kin brother, LD marriage, short distance marriage, lock phone, unlock phone. . . . .Ive heard so much.

Some things will break some homes and some things are norm for others. what is normal for you may be abnormal for others and vise versa.

Everyone should work by their own watches, so long as they are both happy and their chosen model works for them.