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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? (49221 Views)
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Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by sadly: 10:38pm On Aug 21, 2016 |
Alexgeneration: I never wanted to comment but I had to after reading this. We have to look at it from another angle. If the subject owned the house, wouldn't he wash plates and fetch water? I learned long ago that we should treat things like our own. The guy should learn to take that house like his own with a bit of caution though. That is the way I see it considering he had been there for more than 1 year, does it make sense to keep acting like a stranger? Earlier this year I visited a friend when I noticed he was using a broom to sweep his tiled floor. When he wasn't around, I went to shop for better broom with handle, I told him to drive me to the market let's get things to eat and paid the bills more than once. Sometimes I paid money to fuel the his gen and all this happened with 3 days of my arrival. I don't believe I am stranger anywhere I find myself. If the OP had complained while he was just a week old in her house, that is a different thing. 1 year is very wrong, especially the one that has to do washing his own plates. 22 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by sadly: 10:41pm On Aug 21, 2016 |
CrazyQuinn:don't you think you are over reacting? This how you people cause enmity unnecessarily. People are from diverse backgrounds and should be handled differently. 2 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Jahblessme: 11:10pm On Aug 21, 2016 |
Naija women de suffer. Look,hes probably copying the way your husband treats u,im sorry to say that.Team boys while you are team woman the slave serving them. It's surprising your husband does not see his attitude as a cause for concern. It is your home and you should lay the ground rules.Relative or no,i am strong believer in fairness. Everyone should do their share and if you choose not to take the initiative,i kukuma help you out. No one treats you like sh it without your permission. Share work fairly and ask him to help out.If he then refuses blatantly,time to turn the heat on the man you married abi you de fear? See all the people pouncing on you likely because they will act the same sh it script all because you are a woman. Stand your ground and lay the rules or forever hold your peace. Good luck 23 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by bukatyne(f): 12:18pm On Aug 22, 2016 |
Treasuredlove: Of course, 'modern' wives are idle princesses doing nothing. |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by placeofallure(f): 4:06pm On Aug 22, 2016 |
Rossy99: Madam, there's something the Yorubas call: "Suuru t'o lojo" meaning patience for a while longer. I know it's not easy but if the boy were not there, won't you sweep your house? won't you fetch water even in pregnancy? Just pretend the boy is not there for your own sanity sake. The issues of in-law is delicate I just try to avoid their wahala especially in your case that you don't enjoy your husband's support. Don't send the boy away as he may desperately need to stay with your family for things to go on well with him in his schooling and all, just think of tomorrow when he is grown up to be a man, what will he say of you and your kids? Your husband may not even be around anymore (God prosper his soul) Please, be patient. Also, see him as your own brother, don't you send your younger ones on errands? So no biggie in telling or asking him to do a few things for you. If he doesn't know he should offer a lil help, ask him to just ensure you don't abuse the privilege that's all. Good luck. 7 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Nobody: 4:13pm On Aug 22, 2016 |
If he were from her side, he would have chopped plenty igbatis and igbaruns aka bloody slaps for not listening. This is why I can't comprehend men's logic when you expect a wife to take your family as hers. It can never be the same thing. He is getting away with it because he is not from her side. And she would be stvpid to react to these issues because given the circumstances, I consider them petty. However if it were one of her family members it wouldn't be petty at all. She would have given him his size. Oya talk another thing cc Koolkash Alexgeneration: 12 Likes 1 Share |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by imurboss: 4:25pm On Aug 22, 2016 |
Richy4: The op may not be able to say it all for fear of being called hater but honestly i can relate with everything she is going through. Truth is some of the inlaws feel it's their entitlement once in their brother's house they can do anyhow,some do it deliberately. I have a SIL with me and i accommodate & tolerate her well until i noticed she does some thing on purpose,initially i call her to talk to her like a sister but when i discovered she wasn't yielding i stopped. Once i send her on an errand and she refused,i did it myself but reported to hubby. On a different occasion, her own brother sent her to fetch water and she reluctantly went and was murmuring,that was when i knew that her problem no be here. Anytime i finished cooking i will call her to come and eat even though she did not assist in any way ,she will still come and eat. When she saw i don't call her to do anything for me again, she started feeling guilty and very uncomfortable and i just ignore her for all i care. |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by OgaSirAde(m): 9:37pm On Aug 22, 2016 |
memyselfandI:If you followed carefully what I put there sir you will see that am inbetween so I can't take any side. I remain neutral. 1 Like |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Nobody: 11:03pm On Aug 22, 2016 |
bukatyne:lol...we wish |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Nobody: 11:05pm On Aug 22, 2016 |
cococandy: |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Gloriagee(f): 7:39am On Aug 23, 2016 |
Sorry Sis!!! Never pay a mind to all the goody- lil- shoes here. What's wrong with this guy is the entitlement culture prevalent in Nigerians esp if they suspect you're doing well...they just develop the idea that u owe them. Then people start saying, women are nicer to their own side of the family...go figure. Will ur younger bro watch u doing stressful domestic chores while preggy n not help? Well, my advice is that u satisfy ur conscience. Give him a full meal that is reasonable, at least ur hubby's portion except he's a very light eater should be a standard. N set out the chores for him to do bearing in mind that he's a student, tho it's likely he might not even use his spare time to read. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Lordkylie(f): 1:02pm On Aug 23, 2016 |
the people advising her to endure are the same ones who would advice you to kick your inlaw out if the op was male. Anyway,dear op please set out ground rules for him.If he doesnt wash his plates he doesnt eat cos that's exactly what i'd do to my siblings.If he wants to continue staying,he should respect you and help out with chores 8 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Rossy99(f): 10:46pm On Aug 24, 2016 |
Dis is wat i wish i cud do bt dnt av d power,though av make up my mind dt nobody wud com stay wit me again in d name of admission to d poly,dey wud get hostel,dey can only come visiting or to get any help or foodstuff. LynnPetra: 3 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Nobody: 12:17am On Aug 25, 2016 |
Rossy99: Good. Don't take in a burden you are not comfortable with. There's no need to be "Wonderful".Be very bold with your decision when someone wants to come into your home to stay. It's better to do your own chores whenever you have the strength to alone and have rest of mind. 2 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by V0lv0(f): 12:31am On Aug 25, 2016 |
Nigerian women are suffering. Chineke me Honestly your husband as the man of the house should have stepped up and talked to him man to man. Cleaning up after yourself is something that every human being can do, especially since he has free food and accomodation, the least he can do is wash his damn plate, show some appreciation and respect. I think the best thing will be to all sit down together and talk about this issues. Otherwise you may have to constantly nag him. Once he finishes eating demand that he wash his plate now and if he doesn't then you call him to do it. Truth is he takes you for a fool and knows he can get away with this nonsense 2 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by veave(f): 9:24am On Aug 25, 2016 |
LynnPetra: Baby, where have you been? I don miss you oh... |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by tempest01(m): 9:45am On Aug 25, 2016 |
Your user name says '99. I just want to assume is not your DOB, if it us, then it is a case where he sees you as a young person. You have to take steps to let him know you are the home owner and as a guest he needs to assist. The best way is telling your hubby when he is around and insist that both of you go talk to him. |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Nobody: 10:12am On Aug 25, 2016 |
veave: I dey o.I just say make I scarce. One young man's love dey calm my madness small small |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Onegai(f): 10:38am On Aug 25, 2016 |
Rossy99, I'm going to tell you a story: When I was in my teens, I went to visit relatives for a while. Your teen and me had different backgrounds: All the relatives had been financially supported by my family and some of them had stayed with us. When I got to their homes, I didn't do much, there didn't seem to be much to do (general house cleaning, sure I did. Washing up after myself, yep). But all their Nigerian wives expected and would make spiteful comments about me and my family and passive-aggressively b.itch about me and be rolling eyes, getting worked up behind my back and bending their husbands' ears with complaints if he dared give me $10 because they felt I was not running around according to their expectations (plus they resented the fact that I was an embodiment of "no, your hubby didn't arrive Amelica in a limo that his wife should be acting brand-new ). Meanwhile, one of the relatives was married to an American lady. The first day i went to their house, they said "please help yourself to whatever is in the fridge, always clean up after yourself". They said it once and never repeated it. And I appreciated it and we got along swimmingly. All the other wives were there, starting drama and using me to excite themselves in their general boredom by stirring up trouble, instead of being straight-forward and speaking authoritative words in a pleasant manner. That is the definition of a lady, of a Proverbs 31 woman: Fist in a silk glove. Nigerian women like to behave passive-aggresively. Never speaking up about what they want, they are trying to act like some type of docile idiot and pretend to be mild-mannered than be getting wildly angry when the other person doesn't fall in line. All that hypocritical spouting of bible passages is getting to their heads. Firstly, you have a hang-up about that boy. Yes, he's poor and his family cannot afford a place for him. But you're not living on Bourdillon, are you? So please take out that small bit of "I am better than him, he should be humble and grateful" idea out of your head. Because Humility in Nigeria is NOT a good quality, we use it to insult people. And ladies use it to deceive men (but let's not digress ). Lower your expectations. As in, he may be a church-rat in his family but the kind of church-rat that isn't expected to do chores. It happens (my driver doesn't know the way to Ketu market or even Otto). So stop expecting him to know and do things the way you want, without you having to tell him. If you have to tell him every day what to do, open your mouth and tell him. Don't assume, speak plainly. Don't tell him in the casual, passive-aggressive manner ladies like to adopt when avoiding confrontation, then go to one corner and wait to see if he doesn't do it so you can catalogue your greviances internally and get worked up dramatically. Stop acting like a Nollywood wife. Wake up and say "alright, today we need to fill up the drums in the house and we're cooking. You take the drums and fetch water, I 'll be in the kitchen so PLEASE go get me some so I can start". Look him in the eye confidently. After dinner, tell him in your husband's presence "please come and clear Uncle's plate and wash up, THANKS eh. Afterwards come back, uncle and I want to discuss finances for school with you". Don't give him an opportunity to play you around, just be a LEADER. Stop dragging for power with an 18 year old boy, it's your home. You have much more important things to worry about. The only reason he can treat you like a subordinate is because he can see that you are doing that fake passive-aggressive behaviour that Naija ladies assume is what Submissiveness is (it's not). Own that shiit. Fistbump 17 Likes 1 Share |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Lordkylie(f): 6:57pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
onegai,hmmn you just hit the nail on the head!well done ma'am |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by veave(f): 9:57pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
LynnPetra: Awwwn. So happy for you. Did you get a ring yet? |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by linusbnn(m): 10:03pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
CrazyQuinn: Privacy ke? Na only u train urself ba and what if the guy is her brother? |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Nobody: 10:07pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
Rossy99: If he's not your house help, you cannot reasonably expect him to carry all the chores of the house on his shoulder. You may talk to him about cleaning up after himself, washing the dishes that he has used ( don't expect him to wash all the dishes in the house) and chipping in help every now and then. Now, again, is he your husbands brother? If yes, then you have to respect him also because he is your in-law. You can't afford to join two heads together which is the route that you're headed 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by IamPflow(m): 10:07pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
give am poison |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by HaroldFinch(m): 10:10pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
Sit him down and talk. if that doesn't work, then trust me, the food thing would. but please get your husband's consent before you do. |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by enshi(m): 10:12pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
CrazyQuinn: Ooh god of marriage pls never allow Me meet this kind as friend let alone as wife.. .. Smh for you..... 4 Likes |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by monz(m): 10:12pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
jhydebaba:Chop knocku... |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Nobody: 10:12pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
The boy does not steal , he does not keep bad company , his only crime is that he doesn't do all the hose chores. From experience I learnt the hard way. Women are never satisfied, except it's their family relations. If the lady would do the house chores even if the young man is not around what stops her from doing it now. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by linusbnn(m): 10:12pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
Rossy99: I don't support this,if he is not washing the dishes,then he must wash the one he uses. But I will advice you to keep calm until he leaves just to keep your home going |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by Josmila(m): 10:14pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
You need to bear with his inadequacies and shortcomings, remember not everyone was raised well or even though some were, they lose those training along the way. Ignore him for a while and you'll not even notice it again bearing in mind his stay has an expiry date. Do not allow the help you're rendering to him go unrewarded with bitterness |
Re: How Do I Stop The Excesses Of This Guy Staying With Us? by funkyjms: 10:14pm On Aug 25, 2016 |
Rossy99: Does someone picture pops in your mind kinibigdeal? Kai!! |
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