Nairalanders, please I need your advice with this situation. My mom is cheating WITH my dad who she never married, and there is a married chief who she is also having affair with for companionship. My dad broke off their engagement over 30 years ago to marry his other girlfriend when they both moved to the US, even though my mom was pregnant with me in Nigeria. My mother went on to marry someone else but the relationship was abusive, the whole 9 yards. Later my dad brought me to live with him and my stepmother and children in the US. My stepmom raised me, and my mom occasionally communicated with me by letter over the years. Over 15 years later she and I reconnected. At some point my dad started seeing her a few years ago when he visited Nigeria but they didn't tell me. By that time mom's husband (who she has my other siblings with) had already abandoned her for other women and he had other children. But my mom and dad were not straight forward about what was now going on between them. Dad just mentioned that mom had forgiven him for leaving her (for years they were not on good terms and she had blamed him for why her marital situation was the way it is). Now I brought my mom to the US and when she arrived my dad started coming to my house everyday to see her, kissing and all that in front of my children who begin to question me because they know my stepmom. He takes my mom out for many hours and overnight. I told her I disapprove - he is married to someone else and mom is not planning to leave the married chief either. I have told her many times that I wish she would remarry and have her own husband but she says the Catholic church won't approve and that at her age most men are all married. Not long after, without even asking me, my dad stayed overnight in bed with mom at my house. It was then I decided to put my foot down. With all the godly principles my dad raised his children with and how he pride himself on not being like other men and being well-educated, he is now trying to justify his affair with mom by saying they can make it mutual between them, referring to polygamy in the Old Testament and what even some bishops are doing, that it's not unheard of in our culture, that it's only not legalized yet in the US. He even said he doesn't believe the Bible the same way he used to. This has exploded into a fight like never before between my dad and my stepmom, and it has caused a fight between my mom and I. Everyday my mom is gloating to her sister on the phone and to me about how serious dad is about her again, now that she is in the same country with him. She says my stepmom and anyone who doesn't like it can go to blazes. I never knew my mom was like this - just unremorseful about adultery. I have pleaded with her. She seems to think it's not a big deal and uses the excuse that she didn't ask to be abandoned by the men and that she never loved any man the same way as she loves dad. I then politely asked them to stop their acts of affection in my home, in front of my children or next time she comes, dad can get her a place where they can do what they want, and that they should not expect me to go along with it. Later in another argument about their continuing to see each other at my house, I told mom she was being self-centered, acting entitled, not caring for her grandchildren since she arrived here, and never satisfied even when I'm sacrificing for her. She started fighting me, blasted everything I have done for her, said she rejects me as her child, and told my siblings back home not to call her my mother, and she cursed at me and my children. When dad came she acted like a victim and arrogantly said she will go out with him and have him visit her anytime. She's out with him everyday and he's acting like her knight in shining armor for everything she asks for, you would think he brought her here. My siblings back home said mom is like that and talks to anyone anyhow when upset, they are used to it, and that I should apologize to her. She and dad has shifted blame to me and made the focus on how I talked back to her. She is still acting like a victim and not talking to me. Dad says I should apologize and that she might not come back to me again. I feel its dad's fault, too. I didn't bring her here for him or for this drama and stress. Can't they at least respect my wish that I don't want to be a part of this, I don't want this in my house? What to do in this case, please?

*I apologize for this really long post.

Apology accepted

Pweee

Plenty of mum and dad up there.

Let me quietly study ur post ll be back.

#Confusion

where does mum live..c an you move her out

i feel bad for your step mom who will feel u orchestrated this crap

Mom is staying with me while she is visiting. She and dad have told me to stay out of it, but they are doing it in my house. I have not told my stepmom or her children (my siblings here) but of course she found out like most women when your husband starts acting different and she saw shopping receipts. She even mentioned my name, saying that her children and I are disappointed although I have not told them about it. She knows I would be disappointed. It's possible she might think this was what my mom and I planned.

pickabeau1:
where does mum live..c an you move her out

i feel bad for your step mom who will feel u orchestrated this crap

The person I pity most in this is your stepmum, she has sacrificed so much to make her marriage work, only for your mum to come and almost destroy the marriage.

The truth is that, first love is hard to break, however, your mum is being selfish here and it's not fair on your step mum.


What you can do.....

Politely tell the two of them not to involve you in their love affairs, let your dad know that, the effect is that your stepmother will think you orchestrated everything and you wouldn't want to be in her bad book.

As for your mum, I'm sorry, you can't win the case with her, that's how mostly women are, when they want something at all cost, they start playing the victim role, just leave her or better still ask her to go back home in Nigeria and then, beg your dad to reason with your reasons for not wanting to be involved in their adulterous relationship!

Look, cut your mom's trip short, and ask her to go back home.
She haff tried abeg.
In fact, plan with your siblings back in Naija that one of them is about to give birth and would need her help in the next 2weeks.
I hope you know when your step mom confirms what's going on and decides to deal with your dad, you will also probably lose the relationship you have with your half siblings.
Everyone will believe it was all a planned job.

jumissy:
Mom is staying with me while she is visiting. She and dad have told me to stay out of it, but they are doing it in my house. I have not told my stepmom or her children (my siblings here) but of course she found out like most women when your husband starts acting different and she saw shopping receipts. She even mentioned my name, saying that her children and I are disappointed although I have not told them about it. She knows I would be disappointed. It's possible she might think this was what my mom and I planned.

How much further is she staying

if your step mom is awaere now, then i guess the cat is really out of the bag

Enforce the boundaries

For now... dont say anything to your stepmom.. the occasion is too raw.. let it chill

This one is serious o! There's nothing much you can do except to cut your mum's visit short.

That is what I politely explained to both of them that it might also permanently damage the relationship between my half siblings on my dad's side that we've been repairing in past few years due to past fall out with my stepmom. My half siblings back home says I should leave her adultery between her and God and don't treat her anyhow, which I haven't, except that we exchanged quite some words.

eyinjuege:
Look, cut your mom's trip short, and ask her to go back home.
She haff tried abeg.
In fact, plan with your siblings back in Naija that one of them is about to give birth and would need her help in the next 2weeks.
I hope you know when your step mom confirms what's going on and decides to deal with your dad, you will also probably lose the relationship you have with your half siblings.
Everyone will believe it was all a planned job.

Tough one.Is your step mom a Nigerian?

Tell your dad to get your mom a place to stay if he can't keep his hands off her.

This is a typical situation where the parents choose to act like kids.
You stand a lot to lose; your step-mom and half- siblings trust (they will apparently accuse you of orchestrating the whole thing), your kids being exposed to an immoral lifestyle since your mum is having an affair under your roof. The list is endless
If am in your shoes, I will have a sit-down with your mum and dad and state your case, while still highlighting the negative impact their affair is causing you. Then terminate her stay. Tis quite tough with her being your mum and all, but as an adult, one has to be firm and take some drastic decision most time.
Good luck!

Hmmmm.. them doing their romantic 'stuffs' in front of your kids is the major one you need to put a stop to immediately. .

They are all from same town in Nigeria. Mom has just a few weeks left before she goes back. Most likely I will not continue all my plans for her and her visa anymore. Is there any need to apologize to mom in this case?

ifyalways:
Tough one.Is your step mom a Nigerian?

Tell your dad to get your mom a place to stay if he can't keep his hands off her.

jumissy:
They are all from same town in Nigeria. Mom has just a few weeks left before she goes back. Most likely I will not continue all my plans for her and her visa anymore. Is there any need to apologize to mom in this case?

If they're all from same town then I say take it easy on yourself, they'll sort themselves out.Fortunately, She's leaving soon so try and ignore them,You'd be surprised your step mom already knows

Try and apologize to your mom for talking to her rudely but also let her know you were angry because she and dad were misbehaving(PLS dont use that word on your mom) in front of your kids.

But where is lalasticlala sef

I can't seriously imagine myself in ur position now. Your stepmother and her children will definitely think you are part of this whole mess and it will be difficult to convince them of your innocence.


She's your mother and it's expected of you to apologize to her ( adults) even when you clearly on the right side but then you must let her know you can't tolerate all that crap in your house or anytime she's under your care.


If there is a possible way to cut short her stay without her suspecting you don't hesitate to do so .


I hope her next move won't be how to get rid of your stepmother from disturbing her new found love by all possible means ( including using jazz) .


May God Almighty help you out of this plenty nonsense before it boomerang.

The Catholic Church won't approve of her remarrying but she doesn't think they will disapprove of her having a double affair with two married men? Sigh.
This is what happens when people put religious values and traditions over what's right to their conscience.

I guess she thinks it's okay to ruin other women's happiness since her own men didn't want to stay with her. Maybe on some deeper level she blames the other ladies hence has no problem messing up their lives.

people that commit adultery don't stop until they are caught it is like a curse. I pity your step-mom but I pity you more. How to play safe now is to play ball. You brought you mum to the states, its either you get rid of her (relocate her back to naija) or you sit your step-mum down and explain what is going on. You must have evidence to show that you are innocent, something like an audio recording warning them both of what they are doing ain't right or video recording. You must also be very careful that your dad and mum don't find out you were the snitch who ratted them out. you are skating on the edge of razor blade in both ways

Thank God for my mum o


Dealing with this kind of sh!t can be heart breaking. I am sorry, your mum is a slut and a bad one at that. She is wrecking havoc to two marriages (hers and your dads) and turning a man to an atheist in a bid to satisfy her lusts


Abeg tell your step mum to come to your house and warn your mum. If she continues doing that, then your step mum will have to report her to the authorities because polygamy is still a crime in the US so they can deport her cheating ass back to naija. In fact report her to her husband let him also mount pressure to reset her brain. As long as you don't engage in curse words with your mum, you have nothing to fear. You don't have to engage your siblings because it seems they have gotten used to her excesses already and want to force you to accept it too

Being a mum is more than just childbearing. The seeds she is sowing can affect your own children if you don't act decisively

Its time for mom to go back home!! . . .

jumissy:
Nairalanders, please I need your advice with this situation. My mom is cheating WITH my dad who she never married, and there is a married chief who she is also having affair with for companionship. My dad broke off their engagement over 30 years ago to marry his other girlfriend when they both moved to the US, even though my mom was pregnant with me in Nigeria. My mother went on to marry someone else but the relationship was abusive, the whole 9 yards. Later my dad brought me to live with him and my stepmother and children in the US. My stepmom raised me, and my mom occasionally communicated with me by letter over the years. Over 15 years later she and I reconnected. At some point my dad started seeing her a few years ago when he visited Nigeria but they didn't tell me. By that time mom's husband (who she has my other siblings with) had already abandoned her for other women and he had other children. But my mom and dad were not straight forward about what was now going on between them. Dad just mentioned that mom had forgiven him for leaving her (for years they were not on good terms and she had blamed him for why her marital situation was the way it is). Now I brought my mom to the US and when she arrived my dad started coming to my house everyday to see her, kissing and all that in front of my children who begin to question me because they know my stepmom. He takes my mom out for many hours and overnight. I told her I disapprove - he is married to someone else and mom is not planning to leave the married chief either. I have told her many times that I wish she would remarry and have her own husband but she says the Catholic church won't approve and that at her age most men are all married. Not long after, without even asking me, my dad stayed overnight in bed with mom at my house. It was then I decided to put my foot down. With all the godly principles my dad raised his children with and how he pride himself on not being like other men and being well-educated, he is now trying to justify his affair with mom by saying they can make it mutual between them, referring to polygamy in the Old Testament and what even some bishops are doing, that it's not unheard of in our culture, that it's only not legalized yet in the US. He even said he doesn't believe the Bible the same way he used to. This has exploded into a fight like never before between my dad and my stepmom, and it has caused a fight between my mom and I. Everyday my mom is gloating to her sister on the phone and to me about how serious dad is about her again, now that she is in the same country with him. She says my stepmom and anyone who doesn't like it can go to blazes. I never knew my mom was like this - just unremorseful about adultery. I have pleaded with her. She seems to think it's not a big deal and uses the excuse that she didn't ask to be abandoned by the men and that she never loved any man the same way as she loves dad. I then politely asked them to stop their acts of affection in my home, in front of my children or next time she comes, dad can get her a place where they can do what they want, and that they should not expect me to go along with it. Later in another argument about their continuing to see each other at my house, I told mom she was being self-centered, acting entitled, not caring for her grandchildren since she arrived here, and never satisfied even when I'm sacrificing for her. She started fighting me, blasted everything I have done for her, said she rejects me as her child, and told my siblings back home not to call her my mother, and she cursed at me and my children. When dad came she acted like a victim and arrogantly said she will go out with him and have him visit her anytime. She's out with him everyday and he's acting like her knight in shining armor for everything she asks for, you would think he brought her here. My siblings back home said mom is like that and talks to anyone anyhow when upset, they are used to it, and that I should apologize to her. She and dad has shifted blame to me and made the focus on how I talked back to her. She is still acting like a victim and not talking to me. Dad says I should apologize and that she might not come back to me again. I feel its dad's fault, too. I didn't bring her here for him or for this drama and stress. Can't they at least respect my wish that I don't want to be a part of this, I don't want this in my house? What to do in this case, please?

*I apologize for this really long post.

This sounds like Umenyiora family stories

Goddammit!!! Mom, step-mommy, half-mom, dad, step-dad, half-daddy, siblings, half-siblings...my head hurts.

It just seems to me like two elderly people are trying get their groove back, it wouldn't be your business if they weren't all in your face and that of your kids..lol.

Okay it's a little bit gross too, aren't they like in their 60s or 70s..
Goddammit!!!

bennyrazz:
people that commit adultery don't stop until they are caught it is like a curse. I pity your step-mom but I pity you more. How to play safe now is to play ball. You brought you mum to the states, its either you get rid of her (relocate her back to naija) or you sit your step-mum down and explain what is going on. You must have evidence to show that you are innocent, something like an audio recording warning them both of what they are doing ain't right or video recording. You must also be very careful that your dad and mum don't find out you were the snitch who ratted them out. you are skating on the edge of razor blade in both ways

Baba oo, person like you fit make peanut-butter sandwich seem like world war 3...
Is it that serious?

They old-timers only needs to get dem h0rny behinds out of her crib and go play elsewhere...after that, it shouldn't even be her problem.

Afterall, na two of dem born am..you want to tell me that somewhere deep within the dark mazy vacuum of her mind, she's not happy her two birth parents are hitting it again?
I know I would...

crackhaus:

Baba oo, person like you fit make peanut-butter sandwich seem like world war 3...
Is it that serious?


They old-timers only needs to get their h0rny behinds out of her crib and go play elsewhere...after that, it shouldn't even be her problem.

Afterall, na two of dem born am..you want to tell me that somewhere deep within the dark mazy vacuum of her mind, she's not happy her two birth parents are hitting it again?
I know I would...

if she is happy that her two birth parents are hitting it off, she won't have created this thread. I just pity her situation that was why my suggestions took a serious dimension

bennyrazz:
if she is happy that her two birth parents are hitting it off, she won't have created this thread. I just pity her situation that was why my suggestions took a serious dimension

She doesn't know she's happy yet, give it time..

crackhaus:
She doesn't know she's happy yet, give it time..

ok

You should share this on www.fixmeblog.com Its a blog mainly for answering and treating issues as these.

I'm fine with them forgiving each other for what happened in the past, as that was what they had told me. But no, I am definitely not happy to see them engaging in adultery. It brings a lot of questions to mind about who they really are deep down, when they have shown me something else all my life. It makes me wonder if I can even turn to them in the future about marriage issues like this or what advice they would give me or my siblings who are married. I am happy if they are friends, but they need to respect boundaries, especially mom who has gone on too long with different people and is still not divorced. And it doesn't help when a culture doesn't decry it but accept polygamy to muddle the lines between marriage and adultery.

bennyrazz:
if she is happy that her two birth parents are hitting it off, she won't have created this thread. I just pity her situation that was why my suggestions took a serious dimension