This is actually my first thread on nairaland, I am a guy of 26 years living in Lagos, at least I can say am doing good for myself in this recession. I ve dated this lady for four years and am almost considering walking down the aisle with her before I started noticing some changes with her, she is 22. Problem all started when I left for NYSC last year, before then she had been a very good lady and faithful too. For the time we dated she never demanded from me untill she lost her mum, even at that her demands were untypical of a Nigerian lady, because she always fended for herself unless I willingly intervened.
Problem started when she visited me and I noticed her long unusual calls, I confronted her but she convinced me with the normal just a friend stuff from female folks. Fast forward to the present day, she has kept her profile of been a good lady before me and family. I even introduced her to my people and from time to time she spends reasonable time with my ailing father.
The actual problem is this, immediately I passed out earlier this year, she had accommodation issues and I couldn't lend a hand. She was soomuch desperate that I couldn't help looking at her. She resolved to squat with a friend. God been so kind, I secured a job in Lagos and at the moment she is preparing to come visit me from jos, she just left my house last week after spending two weeks with my sick dad. I only found out last night that the friend she told me she was squating with all this while has been her other boyfriend. And the same person we started having issues over. I haven't told her of my findings, truth be told she's everything of a good woman and has really endured and supported me except for my latest findings.
Am as confused as hell now, I be not even confronted her, my mind is playing games with me. Pls somebody should talk to me. All the thoughts I have in mind are so far futile.

Rubbish, if truly that the guy she has been living with is her other boyfriend, then my brother, break up with her.
its for your own good, what if you get married to her and she starts seeing a secret lover.
op, a cheat is a cheat, and no matter the sacrifice a lady had sacrificed for me, the moment she cheats with another guy, then she is DEAD to me.
i cant stand a cheat.

The best way to catch a fish is through its mouth. Confront her but make sure you have evidences to support you allegations. There's nothing better than talking to her eyeball to eyaball.

walk away

she has a strong heart,i think you should talk to her about your findings then decide if you want to break up with her,which is the best option.

I dont trust your findings...get more evidences and confront her

OP, If I may ask, do you love her? If you do,you will forgive her. Situations bring the worst in people and sometimes people take advantage of vulnerable people.
If you say, she has a good character and she stayed with your ailing Father. Don't you think that she loves you , to have made such a huge sacrifice in this era.
If I may ask, what is her gain . Do you pay her?.
Fight the devil that has entered this wonderful relationship and not the girl.
GET HER AN ACCOMMODATION TOO

Eleyi gidi gan o....

So before you knew that was her squatter,you guys were having problems over him already?
This is deep bro.....

Dis love no blind o....
Abegi,wear your glasses.....

Run for your life.

Bro, at least 50% of ladies are like that; They don't know what they want. Stay with the one with the money. NO!
Then stay with the one you love. NO!
What then do you want? I WANT BOTH OF THEM!
Bro that girl loves you, but "when money nor dey...".
You know the rest of the story.

Bro, I beg you, don't confront her. I have met girls like that in school and dated them, only to find out that they had a guy at home. Of course I was upset, but their explanations were just like your girl's situation; they needed someone to assist them pay bills.
That guy is just a maga

TizaBaibe:
This is actually my first thread on nairaland, I am a guy of 26 years living in Lagos, at least I can say am doing good for myself in this recession. I ve dated this lady for four years and am almost considering walking down the aisle with her before I started noticing some changes with her, she is 22. Problem all started when I left for NYSC last year, before then she had been a very good lady and faithful too. For the time we dated she never demanded from me untill she lost her mum, even at that her demands were untypical of a Nigerian lady, because she always fended for herself unless I willingly intervened.
Problem started when she visited me and I noticed her long unusual calls, I confronted her but she convinced me with the normal just a friend stuff from female folks. Fast forward to the present day, she has kept her profile of been a good lady before me and family. I even introduced her to my people and from time to time she spends reasonable time with my ailing father.
The actual problem is this, immediately I passed out earlier this year, she had accommodation issues and I couldn't lend a hand. She was soomuch desperate that I couldn't help looking at her. She resolved to squat with a friend. God been so kind, I secured a job in Lagos and at the moment she is preparing to come visit me from jos, she just left my house last week after spending two weeks with my sick dad. I only found out last night that the friend she told me she was squating with all this while has been her other boyfriend. And the same person we started having issues over. I haven't told her of my findings, truth be told she's everything of a good woman and has really endured and supported me except for my latest findings.
Am as confused as hell now, I be not even confronted her, my mind is playing games with me. Pls somebody should talk to me. All the thoughts I have in mind are so far futile.

Would it have been better if she had rented a space under the bridge? Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

ikp120:
Bro, at least 50% of ladies are like that; They don't know what they want. Stay with the one with the money. NO!
Then stay with the one you love. NO!
What then do you want? I WANT BOTH OF THEM!
Bro that girl loves you, but "when money nor dey...".
You know the rest of the story.

You lack comprehension. The lady has accommodation problems which d op cannot solve and seems op still lives with his parents plus the lady's mum is dead. She might b on her own. Many shallow thinking zombies has infested Nairaland.... Haba!!!

positivec:
OP, If I may ask, do you love her? If you do,you will forgive her. Situations bring the worst in people and sometimes people take advantage of vulnerable people.
If you say, she has a good character and she stayed with your ailing Father. Don't you think that she loves you , to have made such a huge sacrifice in this era.
If I may ask, what is her gain . Do you pay her?.
Fight the devil that has entered this wonderful relationship and not the girl.
GET HER AN ACCOMMODATION TOO

A very sound thinking guy here.... You are truly positive minded unlike many negative zombies here trying to drag everyone down into misery

rosieluv:
she has a strong heart,i think you should talk to her about your findings then decide if you want to break up with her,which is the best option.

Hope you will find another gf for op when they break up

So Should He Confront Her??

nma24:
You lack comprehension. The lady has accommodation problems which d op cannot solve and seems op still lives with his parents plus the lady's mum is dead. She might b on her own. Many shallow thinking zombies has infested Nairaland.... Haba!!!

What is this one saying?
By the time you were typing this I was even modifying my post because I posted it before completing it to buy land first.
As a student in tertiary institution in a place like naija, I have met those kind of ladies.
Please go back and read my full comment.
Thank you!

The lady in question is an orphan, I truly love her...even with what I be found out she's far better than some ladies I met here in Lagos. No doubt, am some cute guy n with my present status ladies gush around but I ve really tried to be faithful from a distance. My greatest shock now Is I've been a fool all this while because I even bragged and betted with a friend that my woman can't cheat.... Nobody has known my findings except here. I dnt know if I should call her not to come again or let her come and we sort it out. I know I still love her but am not sure if I can face her. I don't even smoke or drink that can help me divert my mind. Am just... This hurts

saintfellow:
Rubbish, if truly that the guy she has been living with is her other boyfriend, then my brother, break up with her.
its for your own good, what if you get married to her and she starts seeing a secret lover.
op, a cheat is a cheat, and no matter the sacrifice a lady had sacrificed for me, the moment she cheats with another guy, then she is DEAD to me.
i cant stand a cheat.

Oh, how guys hate girls cheating on them...my word, op do a proper and
thorough findings before you conclude cos she just might be innocent after all.

babasolo:
So Should He Confront Her??

No he should not. She loves op but op didn't have the means. If op didn't know about her accommodation problem it would have been a different ball game entirely. But he knew about it but couldn't foot it, hence she beckoned on the guy who could be of help. Some ladies are like that. But the op can take full charge now since he don hammer small.
I have been there before.

First straighten things out with her..confront her about d whole accusations cos people can be so deceptive with informations at times...
Such a lady who stood by u in support and understanding from d scratch is hard to let go of...if actually she did it, find out her reasons, and watch her reaction too

nma24:
Hope you will find another gf for op when they break up

you wil replace his gal na

TizaBaibe:
The lady in question is an orphan, I truly love her...even with what I be found out she's far better than some ladies I met here in Lagos. No doubt, am some cute guy n with my present status ladies gush around but I ve really tried to be faithful from a distance. My greatest shock now Is I've been a fool all this while because I even bragged and betted with a friend that my woman can't cheat.... Nobody has known my findings except here. I dnt know if I should call her not to come again or let her come and we sort it out. I know I still love her but am not sure if I can face her. I don't even smoke or drink that can help me divert my mind. Am just... This hurts

Bro you're a learner. You remember the first time you bashed a car? That's the same feeling you had.
Boys like us have been through 3 in one year.
It is like suicide. But na so life be. It still hurt me till now.

**Wipes tears off my eyes**

Guy sometimes I don't blame those who drink. I just took some bottles of chilled coke to forget my sorrows during those periods.

op why would you even be considering break up with such a nice girl, after 4 long years. she is orphaned for God's sake. where would you have suggested she lived or do u think she would have accepted the offer of living with a man if she had another choice? please op be matured and not just that, be kind and fair in your reasoning or decision making. you know her better, but I'm sure that girl had no other choice. Plus she still leaves that house to visit your family or answer your calls or text on a steady, i won't be surprised if her relationship with that guy is purely platonic and he knows about you and your relationship. so please u both should sit and talk things over like adults.

C'mon bro, sh*t happens, stop feeling bad and face the issues at hand, everyone is a fool at one point in life but what matters most is what becomes of you after. I think you should have her come over and talk this out, gather enough evidence and don't give a hint of your findings until you see her, just hear her out and make up your mind thereafter. Also that she led you on this long might mean she truly loves you and the guy is aware of your relationship or she is one good cheat. It is up to you to determine which, moreso don't forget that the fact that you cheated on someone does not mean you don't love them, situations are very big determining factors. After all learn to forgive whatever the outcome of the confrontation because true love is hard to find. Peace!!!

TizaBaibe:
The lady in question is an orphan, I truly love her...even with what I be found out she's far better than some ladies I met here in Lagos. No doubt, am some cute guy n with my present status ladies gush around but I ve really tried to be faithful from a distance. My greatest shock now Is I've been a fool all this while because I even bragged and betted with a friend that my woman can't cheat.... Nobody has known my findings except here. I dnt know if I should call her not to come again or let her come and we sort it out. I know I still love her but am not sure if I can face her. I don't even smoke or drink that can help me divert my mind. Am just... This hurts

@ up,
it's just so unfortunate that women don't seem to think properly when their minds are clouded. They really don't have a clear cut understanding that cheating on a guy is like stripping him of his honour and robbing him of his pride.
Nevertheless, people react differently to issues.
I have been in those hurting shoes and believe me, I almost lost my mind.
And from my experience, these were some of the things running on my mind:
1. I couldn't stop the feeling of guilt.
I was actually holding myself responsible for her actions and inactions. I guess you are beating yourself really hard for not getting her an accommodation, too.
2. You trusted her with your life.
It might sound funny but when we (men) love with our hearts we give out everything including our lives. We just tend to forget bae is human who is as vulnerable as we are.
3. You can't forget all the sweet moments.
I think that's our worse nightmares - those lovely moments, the things you guys did together, those long interesting conversations, the helping hands, the warm touch,the delicious kisses, good food, amazing sex....
you just can't let go,can you?
4. You think you can't find another woman like her.
After all the years it just seems as if no woman is good enough or close to her standard....


Tizabaibe,

To be very honest with you, it's not easy but you are the only person who can decide on what to do. But I would advice you to take your time, get some calm before confronting her. It will be better if you could stop her from visiting and do some investigation proper thinking. You might feel worse at the end if your source of information was faulty.
At this moment the only question you need to answer is this;
Can you live with the fact that she made a stupid decision by cheating on you?
Can you forget it and take your love back?

If you have the answer to that question, then, you can go ahead and confront her.


And please, do not hesitate to forgive her, regardless of if you finally want her back or not. That's the first step to your own healing and it's not something you can negotiate, you just have to do it

Sorry for the long write up.
I wish you luck!

I must confess, this forum I visited on leisure time has turned out to really play a major role @ fixing up things for me,. Thanks guys for the kind and matured advice you all churned out.. At least, am beginning to come up with something reasonable, cheers nairaland!!!!!! I appreciate, my gf should be on transit to Lagos later today, I ll keep u posted so that others can learn from my experience

TizaBaibe:
The lady in question is an orphan, I truly love her...even with what I be found out she's far better than some ladies I met here in Lagos. No doubt, am some cute guy n with my present status ladies gush around but I ve really tried to be faithful from a distance. My greatest shock now Is I've been a fool all this while because I even bragged and betted with a friend that my woman can't cheat.... Nobody has known my findings except here. I dnt know if I should call her not to come again or let her come and we sort it out. I know I still love her but am not sure if I can face her. I don't even smoke or drink that can help me divert my mind. Am just... This hurts

Every girl HAS the tendecy to cheat bro. As in 99.9% tendency, except for the matured ones.

I have tested 3 girls this year who told me they have a boyfriend and all fell. One was caught by her boyfriend and warned me to stay away from his girlfriend. The dude sharply engage her (not sure if it's real engagement) .

The second one is my ex, one who dumped me on the basis of sex. More than 2 years later I am still trying to resolve the issue and she kept declining. She also made look like all she wanted was to be alone and serve God. But presently, I found her button which is look successful, like a guy who has achieved something and it's been working. Mind you she told me she has boyfriend now and can't date me. She said this severally and even told me she has had sex when I asked her if she can confidently tell me she hasn't had it. She yes, she has and so? (I felt angry but kept me cool). I had to change tactics, stopped asking her date me, play along like we are dating, if she need stuff I help a it's been working like charm. I will fork her to my satisfaction and then withdraw. Mind you she said she has a boyfriend.

The 3rd one is another story.

If you do not want a girl cheat, be the best you can for them. Any girl who meet someone that can help them more than you can do with SURELY cheat. No two ways about that.

And one last advise: NEVER boast of any girl NEVER do it! But from the look of things, this your girl is good but circumstances made her do what she did. If you love her and she is what you claim she is, aside the fvck up, iron the shiit out, man up, provide what she wants.

But if it's me, I don't forgive a girl whom I am very serious with if she cheat. She just have to go.

Good luck.

positivec:
OP, If I may ask, do you love her? If you do,you will forgive her. Situations bring the worst in people and sometimes people take advantage of vulnerable people.
If you say, she has a good character and she stayed with your ailing Father. Don't you think that she loves you , to have made such a huge sacrifice in this era.
If I may ask, what is her gain . Do you pay her?.
Fight the devil that has entered this wonderful relationship and not the girl.
GET HER AN ACCOMMODATION TOO

don't know who or what you are, but God bless the good head on your shoulder. U said it all.

ikp120:


What is this one saying?
By the time you were typing this I was even modifying my post because I posted it before completing it to buy land first.
As a student in tertiary institution in a place like naija, I have met those kind of ladies.
Please go back and read my full comment.
Thank you!

Aii

rosieluv:

you wil replace his gal na

Lolz... Rose if I catch you

ikp120:


Bro you're a learner. You remember the first time you bashed a car? That's the same feeling you had.
Boys like us have been through 3 in one year.
It is like suicide. But na so life be. It still hurt me till now.

**Wipes tears off my eyes**

Guy sometimes I don't blame those who drink. I just took some bottles of chilled coke to forget my sorrows during those periods.

Three heartbreaks in one year? You try