We've been married for five years and he has cheated all through these years. He keeps late nights without any tangible reason. He travels in and out of Nigeria for the purpose of meeting different women, he chats dirty with different women. He calls random women at home e.t.c. He is also very quick to apologise and promise to turn a new leaf anytime I confront him with evidences.
The issue here is I'm getting really fed up of his kind of life style, I feel he is taking me for granted and just playing on my emotions because he knows there is nothing I can do after his apologies. He too relaxed with me and feels he can do anything and get away with it. I work and he does too but he knows I live a triangular kind of life. From work back home then to church, I'm more of a homely person. I'm beginning to think it's my fault for him not getting on his toes. I don't intend reporting him to any of his family members because he won't be chastised.

I need candid and matured advice please.

finally FTC at last ..today shout out goes to all my Chelsea fans out there, every trophy this season will be a hit back to back

wow 5years and you know all this while but kept mute about it..meet someone he respects a lot and table the matter before the person, am sure he will listen to the person..It's annoying when I hear tales of serial married men that cheats and still rub it on their wife's face..wa about the kids.

modified

the poster below me was about to buy this plot of land twice the amount I wanted to pay. that's y I had to rush n pay for it n put not for sale, before he will confuse the seller with his prado jeep n suitcase of money.

schumastic:
.

d hustle fr FTC is real...
d poster abv me jux modified his post...

MODIFIED
Ok back to d topic. i saw sum like married fr five yrs n he has b cheatin since den, d guy sha nawa ooo. cnt he fr once stop... mayb u r wife is nt doin it well on bed (my tinkin sha. no offense receive pls)..

oya abeg no tink to live am oo. jux dey pray to God fr turn-around since u b Christian n baba God go do am fr u ok. no live am oo cux once u broke ur marriage wt him, babe e go hard to c man for dis period oo

A cheat will always be one... During your courtship I knew u must have seen those traits in him but blinded your heart.

My advice is check yourself,
Do you still flirt with him?
Or are you relaxed cos you are married now?
Are you still fit and in shape?
Are you adventurous or just the dormant type?

have you tried sitting him down and having a heart2heart discussion with him?

Try making him tell you what he fancies about other women that he can't see in you, probably he likes the hunt( chasing ladies) or they are more adventurous and you are more laid back or think back to those times where he couldn't do without you, what fascinated him about you that made himdecide to choose you only as a life partner and leave the rest.

Remember no one is perfect and there might be something you now do that isn't giving him that thrill with you, he is your partner, friend and confidante let him open up to you. He will understand that you are trying to help him, but don't go pretending you don't care or you no send or threatening him with doing the same thing.

#nuffsaid

Thanks for the responses. We were close friends from the university, didn't see such traits in him while we were dating, if not I would never have gone ahead. What he keeps saying is that it's the ladies that are forcing themselves on him which sounds very lame to me. I will however ask him if there are things he wants me to change because he doesn't complain about me and he's someone that talks a lot so I know he'd have complained if he had issues with me

napa:
Thanks for the responses. We were close friends from the university, didn't see such traits in him while we were dating, if not I would never have gone ahead. What he keeps saying is that it's the ladies that are forcing themselves on him which sounds very lame to me. I will however ask him if there are things he wants me to change because he doesn't complain about me and he's someone that talks a lot so I know he'd have complained if he had issues with me

I don't think he would complain so as not to hurt your feelings, tell him jokingly to force himself on you and see how you would make world go round,

since it's more about other ladies (which means s*x is involved) promise to do something so wild dat if he comes home early he won't forget in a hurry but truth be told he would still get tired of chasing other women but the problem iis dat can you wait that long and tolerate all of dat?

jeff1607:


I don't think he would complain so as not to hurt your feelings, tell him jokingly to force himself on you and see how you would make world go round,

since it's more about other ladies (which means s*x is involved) promise to do something so wild dat if he comes home early he won't forget in a hurry but truth be told he would still get tired of chasing other women but the problem iis dat can you wait that long and tolerate all of dat?

Thanks. I am indeed getting really tired. I just feel if I were some wild girls he won't try what he's been doing. Love is getting a bit cold. I hope I will be able to put up with this longer

napa:


Thanks. I am indeed getting really tired. I just feel if I were some wild girls he won't try what he's been doing. Love is getting a bit cold. I hope I will be able to put up with this longer

Wild or not, he chose you for areason, tap into it. if u like be hulk hogan, whatever he chooses to do, he will still do.

All I can say is be STRONG, take it that this is one of the hurdles in marriage and after this, it will make your bond stronger. Remind him not to sow his wild oats anyhow oooooo , you need it more than they do.

f

Serial cheating and always getting caught is a different game altogether.

It shows that he does not value the relationship or does not fully understands what marriage means. It also shows that he cant help himself (deliberately or not) and needs help and fast too before he self destructs.

Yes we all get tempted and are hit on and in many many cases there are opportunities to cheat, but we think of our partners, the love and respect that we have for them, think of our vows, think of how our actions are going to affect our families and the fear of God and so we think straight.
Women throwing themselves at him is no excuse. Women chase men everyday and men chase women everyday.

What is happening now is that the Same issue = same response = same result
He knows you wont do anything, hence the reason why he is not even hiding these affairs such that you don't find out
He also knows that when he apologises you forgive and the cycle continues again.

Having affairs is a dangerous pastime and he is exposing himself and you to all sorts of dangers and I am not even only referring to STD's here.
I cant give you specific advise, as It also depends on if he genuinely wants to stop.
He certainly needs counselling and he needs serious prayers too

I can't believe what I am reading on this threwad
This is most ridiculous


For five years?
Different women?
Your husband is a serial killer ma'am

And you are being adviced to pray, check yourself and ask questions?


Oh God have mercy

A CHEAT IS ALWAYS A CHEAT
THAT MAN WONT FECKING CHANGE
CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH DISEASES, EMOTIONAL TORTURE, MENTAL INSTABILITY, AND WHAT NOTS OR THE HECK LEAVE


Hypocrites will flood me with mentions now
Awon oloriburuku
As if they can take it

Ur husband is a cheat n if something is not done asap he may infect u with STD ....... use reverse psychology on him ......pretend to cheat on him n see how he will turn a new leaf if he loves you!!!!

Double post.

@napa.

Everyone is entitled to thier advice.

Follow advice that will strengthen your marriage.

Unless you came here looking for encouragement to divorce. In that case you will definitely find it.

Good luck.

napa:


Thanks. I am indeed getting really tired. I just feel if I were some wild girls he won't try what he's been doing. Love is getting a bit cold. I hope I will be able to put up with this longer

Ah! The "bitter people" have not yet woken up. They will soon come with rude, self righteous and obnoxious comments that will make you hate your husband so much and then finally give you advice on how to divorce him "before you die of AIDS". People that will tell you they wont take such nonsense from thier man meanwhile they are suffering worse. I hope you can sift the good advice from the bad and dont let bitterness cloud your heart.

My advice.

He is a serial cheat. He is addicted to sex. I still thinknit would be better you involve an elderly person that knows the both of you. Someone he respects. Let that person advice and chastise him. Secondly help him stop this bad habit. Begin by telling him you are afraid he will catch sexually transmitted diseases outside. Insist on using a condom until he cleans up his act. Let him go for checkups at the hospital.

What way does he meet these girls? Facebook? Whatsapp? Tell him to stop communications with them. He should delete their numbers in your prescence. If he wont listen to you, let the elderly person demand that he does this. Avoiding contact with the girls will reduce his chances of having sex with them.

Insist he comes home early. What kind of work does he do? Start calling him from 8pm that there is an errand you want him to run. Disturb his phone. Bring up important issues he has to address in thr house. There is no fuel, milk for the kids has finished, you need recharge card urgently to call your mom/his mom/relative in the UK, something that will make him not to be at peace wherever he is until he gets home. These are little tricks other lades use.

Also, pray for him. Pray for your marriage. I knw right now its not looking easy and you are hurting and emotionally tired and frustrated but there's light at the end of the tunnel. With God all things are possible. You can pray for him and get others to join you in prayer. You dont need to tell them what it is. You can say it is a special request.

Do you have kids? What is your sex life like?

Will add more later. Rushing to work.


All the best.

Do not divorce your husband. Does he beat you? If no. Get condoms, then start loving yourself More. Movies, beach, fellowship, weddings, girls night out, children's dinner date. Etc

5minsmadness:


Ah! The "bitter people" have not yet woken up. They will soon come with rude, self righteous and obnoxious comments that will make you hate your husband so much and then finally give you advice on how to divorce him "before you die of AIDS". People that will tell you they wont take such nonsense from thier man meanwhile they are suffering worse. I hope you can sift the good advice from the bad and dont let bitterness cloud your heart.

My advice.

He is a serial cheat. He is addicted to sex. I still thinknit would be better you involve an elderly person that knows the both of you. Someone he respects. Let that person advice and chastise him. Secondly help him stop this bad habit. Begin by telling him you are afraid he will catch sexually transmitted diseases outside. Insist on using a condom until he cleans up his act. Let him go for checkups at the hospital.

What way does he meet these girls? Facebook? Whatsapp? Tell him to stop communications with them. He should delete their numbers in your prescence. If he wont listen to you, let the elderly person demand that he does this. Avoiding contact with the girls will reduce his chances of having sex with them.

Insist he comes home early. What kind of work does he do? Start calling him from 8pm that there is an errand you want him to run. Disturb his phone. Bring up important issues he has to address in thr house. There is no fuel, milk for the kids has finished, you need recharge card urgently to call your mom/his mom/relative in the UK, something that will make him not to be at peace wherever he is until he gets home. These are little tricks other lades use.

Also, pray for him. Pray for your marriage. I knw right now its not looking easy and you are hurting and emotionally tired and frustrated but there's light at the end of the tunnel. With God all things are possible. You can pray for him and get others to join you in prayer. You dont need to tell them what it is. You can say it is a special request.

Do you have kids? What is your sex life like?

Will add more later. Rushing to work.


All the best.

Baby, I was just about to call you so you could advise her correctly. Thank you!

I actually have no words for her...don't know what to say. However, I remember a story of a family. The story is really real...

The husband was a serial cheat who defiled all reasons and interventions. Guy eventually got aids. He infected the wife and all the kids! That part of the lineage is no more now. I wish he had listened or she had divorced him eventually. Oloshilawonokunrin...them be SOB!

Napa, you're not going to get decent answers from Nairaland. Not anymore. The sensible people have left and others will just avoid this thread. You cannot pray this away, you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. If you like, delete all his numbers and block his social media sites, what stops him from getting a hidden phone (a woman came here and told us her husband advanced to that level), what stops him opening an anonymous account (another came here and said the same). He knows what he's doing is wrong, that's why he apologises. Sure, someone he respects can talk to him, but one of my former friends got some serious speaking to, told me he didn't want to spoil a good thing in his marriage and was remorseful. Then he hit on me that afternoon. And then he hit on another coworker a few months later.

You need to ask yourself what you believe in, what you can accept and what is the line for you. All I will tell you is this: if you have kids, the more they grow up and understand their father, the more it is going to affect them negatively. Trust me. Trust me on that. Our society is broken and filled with children who saw their fathers lie, cheat, take no personal responsibility, be immoral yet hypocritical about "training them" and now to find an honest person in Nigeria to even do business with is like searching for a needle in a haystack. The only person that can stop him is himself. He has to make a life-changing decision. You also have to make a life-changing decision: do you stay, do you leave, do you focus on everything else except him?

Cheating is natural and normal, please learn to accept that fact and ignore his actions, when he realize that you don't give a fvck about what he does, or he sees that what he does doesn't hurt you anymore, he will be forced to change. Tell him to go for stds tests, when you guys want to make love, use condoms for your own protection until you know he's clean

Play him at the same game he is playing. Start cultivating very close friendships with other men. If he raises any queries, tell him it is not your fault, rather it is the men who keep bringing themselves to you.

However, If he is truly not bothered that you might be seeing other men, then prayers is the only thing that can help his case.

That girl comment above this dude just above me is really intelligent. Op I would suggest you hook up with her or chat more with her for more closure and tips and your worries would be over.

She basically emphasized on the fact that you can take a man out the hood but you can't take the hood out of him.

@5minsmadness, there are no kids yet, sex life is ok and both of us know I'm good looking because he knows i still get constant compliments for my good looks. I sincerely don't know what the issue is. I just feel he wants to explore and satisfy some fantasies but I'm getting emotionally hurt. I pity myself most times. It's only my mom that knows what is happening and she's been praying with me. I'm a woman of few words, i hardly discuss my affairs with people.
@veave, no he doesn't beat me. There's no reason why he would do that. Our marriage is really somehow (i don't know if that's how other marriages are). I rarely ask him for money because i work in a well paid organisation, i don't disturb him for nothing. All i want is care and love, nothing more.

I'm from an average family of 3 children , he doesn't have any pressure from any members of my family and i definitely know it's not about the children that have not come, we've been on it from the first year of our marriage. This is really getting at me. I just felt like pouring out my mind.

napa:
@5minsmadness, there are no kids yet, sex life is ok and both of us know I'm good looking because he knows i still get constant compliments for my good looks. I sincerely don't know what the issue is. I just feel he wants to explore and satisfy some fantasies but I'm getting emotionally hurt. I pity myself most times. It's only my mom that knows what is happening and she's been praying with me. I'm a woman of few words, i hardly discuss my affairs with people.
@veave, no he doesn't beat me. There's no reason why he would do that. Our marriage is really somehow (i don't know if that's how other marriages are). I rarely ask him for money because i work in a well paid organisation, i don't disturb him for nothing. All i want is care and love, nothing more.

I'm from an average family of 3 children , he doesn't have any pressure from any members of my family and i definitely know it's not about the children that have not come, we've been on it from the first year of our marriage. This is really getting at me. I just felt like pouring out my mind.

It's okay. Your children would come when they are ready. What are the things you like to do?

You need to put your foot down and shake up your husband or else the cycle will just continue.
If you have an elderly person he respects or looks up to,you should report him to such(if such a man is a man of integrity himself).
Make him account more for how he spends his time outside of the house.Try to get him home early and around the house often.
Insist he uses a condom for now and you should go together to a lab to check himself.

If after all these,he doesn't change,you need to ask yourself if you are going to stay in this sad situation or you will leave.It may be a good thing that you don't have kids yet.
Your husband will change only if he wants to.It's all in his hands as he has always been this way even before you married.

sisisioge:


Oloshilawonokunrin...them be SOB!

Kilode ? Abeg gently gently.
Even women are more promiscuous than men. Go to guest houses and hotels and see how so called responsible women,wives are brought in there ,you will be amazed .

The power to change lies with your husband madam, and that can only happen when he's ready to.
Don't ever feel it's your fault or ever make excuses for his inadequacies.
It's time to start loving yourself.
Extend your social circle, join a gym and start regular exercises- you live longer, enroll yourself in a class, maybe a part time undergraduate or post graduate studies depending on where you are now.
You need to start doing things for your own benefit now, because it's obvious you have no one to fall back on.
Don't bother trying to chase a lost cause, you would have wasted valuable time you could have used in making yourself a better person. Time Is PRECIOUS. .
Live life, so that when you look back after several years you would have no regrets. Take opportunities that come your way, and make the most of it.
Marriage should be about the common good, but it takes the two of you. If your partner isn't interested in the common good, then it's time you watch out for yourself.

napa:
We've been married for five years and he has cheated all through these years. He keeps late nights without any tangible reason. He travels in and out of Nigeria for the purpose of meeting different women, he chats dirty with different women. He calls random women at home e.t.c. He is also very quick to apologise and promise to turn a new leaf anytime I confront him with evidences.
The issue here is I'm getting really fed up of his kind of life style, I feel he is taking me for granted and just playing on my emotions because he knows there is nothing I can do after his apologies. He too relaxed with me and feels he can do anything and get away with it. I work and he does too but he knows I live a triangular kind of life. From work back home then to church, I'm more of a homely person. I'm beginning to think it's my fault for him not getting on his toes. I don't intend reporting him to any of his family members because he won't be chastised.

I need candid and matured advice please.

The foundation is the problem. Obviously he didn't become like this overnight,he was like this before you met him ,after you met him but yet you decided to marry him. The issue is women marry men hoping they would change but we men dont change ,while men marry women hoping they wont change but remain the same way they married them both behaviour and physical wise but women change. You cant change your man .

If you don't have children still, based on your old posts, you should seriously consider divorce.
You are taking the risk of having STDs, including HIV/AIDS, from him.
Ask yourself, why would you want to continue putting yourself in such risks deliberately

according to toks2008, he said that you should keep forgiving your husband till he's tired of the union and he walks out.

so dearest op, keep forgiving him.

Bravo!! I like your tactics. Creating avenue to be distracting or disturbing him till his home..
Trust he would start seeing her as a nagging wife.

5minsmadness:


Ah! The "bitter people" have not yet woken up. They will soon come with rude, self righteous and obnoxious comments that will make you hate your husband so much and then finally give you advice on how to divorce him "before you die of AIDS". People that will tell you they wont take such nonsense from thier man meanwhile they are suffering worse. I hope you can sift the good advice from the bad and dont let bitterness cloud your heart.

My advice.

He is a serial cheat. He is addicted to sex. I still thinknit would be better you involve an elderly person that knows the both of you. Someone he respects. Let that person advice and chastise him. Secondly help him stop this bad habit. Begin by telling him you are afraid he will catch sexually transmitted diseases outside. Insist on using a condom until he cleans up his act. Let him go for checkups at the hospital.

What way does he meet these girls? Facebook? Whatsapp? Tell him to stop communications with them. He should delete their numbers in your prescence. If he wont listen to you, let the elderly person demand that he does this. Avoiding contact with the girls will reduce his chances of having sex with them.

Insist he comes home early. What kind of work does he do? Start calling him from 8pm that there is an errand you want him to run. Disturb his phone. Bring up important issues he has to address in thr house. There is no fuel, milk for the kids has finished, you need recharge card urgently to call your mom/his mom/relative in the UK, something that will make him not to be at peace wherever he is until he gets home. These are little tricks other lades use.

Also, pray for him. Pray for your marriage. I knw right now its not looking easy and you are hurting and emotionally tired and frustrated but there's light at the end of the tunnel. With God all things are possible. You can pray for him and get others to join you in prayer. You dont need to tell them what it is. You can say it is a special request.

Do you have kids? What is your sex life like?

Will add more later. Rushing to work.


All the best.

Op listen to this moniker

eyinjuege:
The power to change lies with your husband madam, and that can only happen when he's ready to.
Don't ever feel it's your fault or ever make excuses for his inadequacies.
It's time to start loving yourself.
Extend your social circle, join a gym and start regular exercises- you live longer, enroll yourself in a class, maybe a part time undergraduate or post graduate studies depending on where you are now.
You need to start doing things for your own benefit now, because it's obvious you have no one to fall back on.
Don't bother trying to chase a lost cause, you would have wasted valuable time you could have used in making yourself a better person. Time Is PRECIOUS. .
Live life, so that when you look back after several years you would have no regrets. Take opportunities that come your way, and make the most of it.
Marriage should be about the common good, but it takes the two of you. If your partner isn't interested in the common good, then it's time you watch out for yourself.