Serious Marital Issues In The USA - Family - Nairaland
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| Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Jonesy1: 1:39am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Hi All, Not sure where to even start so I guess its best just to jump right in. I have been married for a year or so now. My wife was born and raised in Nigeria (Lagos). We both are in our late 20s. I was born and raised in the Canada, but currently am in the US (Consider myself Nigerian-Canadian-American lol). Since our marriage ceremony I have found many issues with my wife. I am by no means perfect, however the majority of problems we have had over the last year have been numerous and all are instigated by her. At this very moment she is in the other room and we have not spoken for a few days now because of a quarrel. Due to her immaturity she uses the cold shoulder tactic. Every few weeks, like a cycle, a petty, needless argument will lead to my wife to not speak to me for 2, 3, 4 days. Some times even a week of not speaking or barely speaking to me (she did this right before Christmas!). When I say petty I mean really useless arguments over getting her hair braided, forgetting to do something in the kitchen, etc. Anyways, this past week I made it known during our most recent argument about her behavior that this habit of shutting herself off for days at a time over nonsense matters was poisonous to our marriage and that it, along with other immature habits I won't name, will lead to the end of our marriage. In response she says, "Good! I want it to end. I want it to burn to the fucking ground!" As you can imagine I was hurt by this comment to say the least. I told her if thats the way she feels she can return to her father house. I am seriously considering a separation. Maybe she should return home for some months? At this moment in time I have refused to eat the meals she prepares for 2 days now. She has begged for forgiveness and I have forgiven her, but the damage has already been done. Its hard to get past hearing that someone you have sacrificed so much for can say such a thing. Even if she is angry. Anyways sha. I know that was some long reading, but I needed somewhere to vent. Is refusing her meals petty? How do I recover from hearing something so terrible especially when we have been having ongoing issues since the beginning. Any feedback is appreciated. And please feel free to tease me as well. I could use a laugh in this moment |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 1:53am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Late 20s and you are both acting like this  Yorubas call it 'eyin lohun'. It means words uttered are like egg, once it falls down(uttered), you can't take it back. I think she get what she wants already(travel abroad).------>just guessing Age is not really measurement of maturity. You guys should act like grown ups! Your wife needs a training from her mama(keeping malice with the husby is dangerous) and that happens like every week  .You gat lots of work to do bro. 3 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by xynniey(f): 1:59am On Oct 11, 2016 |
jeez... dis must be quite serious for you to be posting it at dis hour of d morning. my dear, take heart. it trues that she can't take back her words but you have to let those words go. except you want to capitalize on this and make her change some attitudes. if she is teachable, you can teach her how to be mature. |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by raumdeuter: 2:26am On Oct 11, 2016 |
So is there any reason you dont want it to burn to the fuccking ground? Does she have a job? How did you guys meet? Maybe you were just a means to an end for her and you have outlived your relevance Do you guys have kids? If you dont, then consider separation. You are to young to be in an acrimonious marriage. Try go for counselling, talk to elderly people in stable marriages to advice you two. But if no improvement separate 3 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by sumborri: 3:20am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Brothe impregnate her, when she has annoying cuties running amork in ur home, she would hve expended all her energy keeping malice with her children that seeing you will be a day's relief. Women are not complete whether mentally or emotionally and doing bad and annoying things is their second nature. It takes a good and mature man to understand the need to forgive them often. Your wife haas a lot of growing up to do and unfortunately you hve to be the man to help her. Its not a hard chore really but try to ignore her rantings ..(I repeat her rantings). If she is tired can't she see and use the door as needed ? So am sure its just mere words uttered in anger which she has had the good sense to apologise for. So biko forgive her, ignore her rants and get her pregenant nd fill ur home with nice kids so she can learn how truly annoying life can get let's see if she will shut off and keep malice with her kids. Behaviours a womn cnnot to in public to friend or to her boss at work she will gladly do to her husband who is the crown on her maiden head. N real wa . Sowi bro 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by villareal15(m): 4:37am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Don't do it bro. tho your wife has issues but Don't do it. Try to fix it. 1 Like |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by cococandy(f): 5:43am On Oct 11, 2016 |
What has your location or heritage got to do with your issues? Not necessary IMO. If you don't want your marriage to end, don't threaten your wife with it. Why did you bring that up if you still want the marriage? Except you wanted her to panic and start begging you because you threatened divorce. Is that why you were hurt when she called your bluff? Both of you are immature. She gives silent treatment, you reject meals. Fix yourself too. I don't believe it's all her fault. 14 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by MizMyColi(f): 5:51am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Hi there, Have you considered that she might be bipolar even if it's not the full blown type where you have to take drugs and the likes to suppress? Your wife sounds very immature and unwise and honestly, I will not blame you if you choose to leave. But please re-consider... Once when I had some challenges in my relationship, which as at then, I thought.... was mostly the fault of my partner only to realize that it was a ME issue, a wise person told me to Be The Change You Desire. Let's put your anger aside. Try to be objective as I ask you these questions. Despite her tasteless character, do you still see the woman that you love in her. Despite her immaturity and uncanny ability to use her words in pulling you down, do you still see her as someone who loves you? Have you tried to observe her and find out what you do to contribute to peace eluding you? Is she a nice person, like really nice person when she isn't angry? Is she pregnant? ^^^ If you have answered the above truthfully, I want to believe that by now, you are gaining new perspective on what to do. Please stop holding those her yeye words against her. She might say the meanest of things to you and not necessarily mean them. Do forgive and let go. Then talk with her, communicate. Show her sacrificial love, express some vulnerability by telling how hurt and a shadow of yourself you are becoming. Remind her that you are not judging her, but simply saying all you are, so she can come open to you too and then both of you can work out a way to live happily and productively. If all else fails, by all means, please take some time apart and have a serious rethink. I wish you well. 3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Chubhie: 6:18am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Until you surgically trace that which prompted her to voice her under bellies about wanting it to end,You guys can continue 'enjoying' the hanky panky. What has led/deceived her into seeing your marriage as a prison and wants out? You must learn to be a great communicator/magician/strategist to understand and first see through her perspectives. You MUST also mature and learn to lead your home as a true leader by ways of examples.This is the role you signed up to play between God and man the very day you decided to marry her.This is the price to pay.Learn to enjoy this role with pride. You would be worst than an infidel if you abdicate this duty.This is hoping you understand kingdom of God principles. I'm rooting for you to take back your world. You can handle this small issue. You wife is only being a woman. 1 Like |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 6:51am On Oct 11, 2016 |
 Lolz. But you were the one that first issued a threat about ending the marriage na.  I know you were only trying to warn her and make her sit up ... but pls don't involve divorce or break up in your utterances again especially if you don't mean it. Say it only when and if you really intend to divorce which should be once in that marriage  I used to be like your wife during my 3 year courtship and my first year of marriage. I would give my hubby the silent treatment for little inconsequential issues but God bless him cos he wouldn't make me continue that silent nonsense for long. 3 days ke?! My darling would pry whatever the problem was out of me. Sometimes lovingly, sometimes by talking sense into me and sometimes by treating me to the same silent treatment! Today, he loves to remind me of those days when I liked picking quarrels with 'innocent' him for no 'just' reason. Lolzz. We hardly quarrel nowadays. Seriously. So I think you should give her time and work on her patiently, firmly and lovingly. I hope you see positive lasting changes soon. E never reach to separate. Cheers. 6 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by TSOM(m): 7:43am On Oct 11, 2016 |
"I want it to burn. I want it to burn to the _fucking ground! " This is certainly no one-off, spur-of-the-moment thingy. She's had time brooding and ruminating on the possibilities of a separation. The moment a woman says that to you walk out on her. Call it quits. The heavens forbid that I spend the rest of my life with a vile, hateful woman. 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by nnamdibig(m): 7:47am On Oct 11, 2016 |
I guess her attitude changed the moment you told her she will be going to her father land....if that is true, believe me you married a gold-digger. It will be healthy to send her home to learn some manners. 1 Like |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by teemy(m): 8:37am On Oct 11, 2016 |
jonesy1, you threatened separation she agreed and you vexed that part i think you caused. the silent treatment is usually used by someone with a grudge but is unwilling to make utterances sorry would not cure later. you know her buttons, press them. 2 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 10:00am On Oct 11, 2016 |
How about you both visit a marriage counselor? 3 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 10:11am On Oct 11, 2016 |
MizMyColi: Can't you just type like a normal human being? Not everyone uses a mainframe computer to access this site ffs. 3 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 10:13am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Flowerlady01: Here you go Jonesy1. Pay heed to this advice. You need to be really patient, but firm with your wife. Correct her with love not threats of Armageddon. 1 Like |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by bukatyne(f): 10:18am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Flowerlady01: @Bold: Why were you like that? And what changed? We might see a new perspective. 1 Like |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by MizMyColi(f): 10:20am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Timbuktou: *ignored* 4 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 10:22am On Oct 11, 2016 |
MizMyColi: Olodo, you can't ignore by typing "*ignored*". You have to actually ignore to ignore.  . Don't be an ignormaus.  5 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by MizMyColi(f): 10:25am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Timbuktou: *in jenifa's voice* Wareffa menh. OkBye. |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Ranchhoddas: 10:39am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Woman power, feminism, and all other associated crap are inimical to the marriage institution. That's why a person's wife will talk to him using vulgar words. If we talk una go say we no dey civilized. Until divorce rates hit 95% before una go get sense. |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Ranchhoddas: 10:41am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Timbuktou:This got me laughing. How do ''normal human beings'' type? |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by ednut1(m): 11:08am On Oct 11, 2016 |
be like say na to born pikin sure pass fuk Marriage. |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by SalomonKane: 11:12am On Oct 11, 2016 |
OP. You should have seen all this side of her before you got married to her. Didn't you guys date or court before you put that ring on her finger? To me, I believe you hold the cards in your hands. I for one have never been a firm believer of bringing my personal problems online for anonymous peeps who you don't even know their state of mind, age, marital status etc. Just try speaking with her and let her know you're not a fan of she keeping malice over mundane things. Sit her down and reason with her. Tell her your hurts and let her tell you hers, then you both can arrive at a logical conclusion. Remember, it's in your hands as nothing anybody will say here makes them understand how you and your wife really feel. I wish you the best. 1 Like |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by jaybeyblu: 11:36am On Oct 11, 2016 |
Hi OP, Just a suggestion. as the head of the home you should lead by example. i am not here to say who is wrong or who is right but your marriage is very young and this should be the time you both should be so lovey dovey with each other. one word i am sorry would end all this stress. life is too short to be sad most of the time. the silent treatment is a wrong way to go about things but refusing her food either is not the right way as well. If she was the one that made the complaint i would tell her to go apologize to you again. but you said she has apologized. on her behalf i am saying please forgive her and move on. why would you be unhappy on purpose? you want to have high bp at this young age? please forgive and forget. Perhaps she said that out of anger and that was totally wrong. Please do not waste precious time being unhappy, marriage is full of ups and downs, strive to be happy no matter what. I wish you the best in your marriage. 2 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 12:43pm On Oct 11, 2016 |
bukatyne: I was like that because I didn't know how to air my feelings through proper communication. I am a reserved and quiet person and sometimes felt I would hurt him if I told him what was on my mind. So I would bottle it up instead. And boil inside me silently. We loved each other even then but that was just my personality. Now I don't hesitate to say what's on my mind and he appreciates it this way. 3 Likes |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Jonesy1: 1:01pm On Oct 11, 2016 |
Hi All, Thank you for the responses. They are very useful. I wish I could go through and address each of you individually however in the interest of time I will just provide a little more context to our situation. 1. When I told her that her behavior will lead to the end of our marriage it was the absolute truth. Her use of the silent treatment. Other issues like being bad with money (shopping with what little she has instead of saving. Currently not working due to waiting on permit), anger issues, etc. I truly believe that if she doesn't work on these things our marriage will deteriorate to nothing. Whether that ends in divorce, separation, or just an empty life together only God knows 2. Our issues have been consistent since the beginning. I knew she was not perfect when we married, but moving in together shows you a lot. And there are many things I am finding out now that are new to me. I know this is part of marriage, however it still can be hard to deal with in the beginning. 3. I feel like I am the only one that wants to work on our problems. I have to take the initiative EVERY TIME to reconcile after quarrels. Even when most of them are not my fault. On two occasions over the last year ive had to get her older sister and brother-in-law to intervene and speak to her. Listen I know that marriage will have its ups and downs. I have no plans of divorce and am not seeking one. However when the same issues occur so consistently with only one partner taking responsibility 90% of the time it can become draining. I think counseling for her and for both of us will help. I am a man of faith so I will forever trust in God for his intervention so at the end of the day I am not that worried. I chose to post this issue on this forum due to the anonymity, honesty and humor. I have spoken to many elders about her, priests, pastors, deacons, etc lol. Sometimes getting some random opinions online can be refreshing. Anyways thanks so much again for the feedback. God Bless |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Richy4(m): 1:54pm On Oct 11, 2016 |
The shutting down of communication is better than nagging biko at least u have rest of mind....Do u want the type of lady that every bird, fowl, ostriches that passes, she must talks or says something about it... is that what you want? Maybe you should try a nagging wife.... But on a more serious note, U know things could be said out of anger...Aristotle said and i quote "Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy." So since you are the head of the home, piloting the affairs of the family and trying to make the marriage work, just keep it up and overlook some of the childish attitude and be firm at the same time loving when communicating..... when the attitudes bugs u, u leave the house a little while to cool down, and comeback again as if nothing happened... in as much as she got that bad habit, I believe she got some good qualities in her too...every man real man pray to have a girl that have maybe 75% good quality... then the rest, can be tolerated ...because we cannot have it all..... maybe this her habit you dislike is within the 25% u should have tolerated... I might be wrong though... |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 3:11pm On Oct 11, 2016 |
Ranchhoddas: Don't mind me, bros. I just dey find trouble. |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Nobody: 3:13pm On Oct 11, 2016 |
MizMyColi:  . Don't wareffa me, woman. |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by Cordis92(f): 3:18pm On Oct 11, 2016 |
I'm not trying to support her or you but why threaten her that her behaviour may sever the marriage? No one would want to hear that. It's too early to start mentioning end of marriage to her and she may get used to hearing it. Some people are just daring though that should not be an excuse but you reminding her the end of the marriage, were you thinking she would start crying and begging you? No. I don't know why our people in USA don't always have a peaceful and lasting marriage. |
| Re: Serious Marital Issues In The USA by MizMyColi(f): 3:24pm On Oct 11, 2016 |
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