I put up a topic sometime here sometime ago about my marriage. After all said and done I decided to move on with my life because ex hubby never showed remorse and has shut down communication. I been overwhelmed,distressed,hurt and heart broken but no matter what life goes on and I thank God I am healed from all that.
Mhen entering the dating scene with a child is a tough one Nigeria. Most Naija guys think they are doing you a favor,they don't even care how you got there,every single mum with a child is stereotyped. Here is my experience so far:
I have this one that wants marriage but keeps saying that he won't train another man's child. I keep wondering who is more important to me whether him or my child. My child is more important to me than a thousand husband. The second guy I met asked me what I am bringing to the table,I so laughed out loud,told him I am the Table what else does he want me to bring. I have since deleted all his contact. The third guy a doctor from the word go was only talking S*x,I keep wondering if I looked like a call girl. Is like I am going to be single for a looooong time. The loneliness gets annoying sometimes though.Please if you have a word for me,you drop it. Thanks

I will never understand why some people can't stay alone for a while but ok, everyone is different.

I recommend that you look out for men who have a child too. It will be easier for them to understand you and where you are coming from.

OP
yes, it really challenging been a single mum in our present day Nigeria, as most of them are stereotyped to believe you are the orchestrator of your marriage breakup.

Be of good courage, you will definitely pull thru.
You could try a new hobby to substitute your idle time and distract your lonely feeling, you could take a walk sometimes to clear your head and not let the stress overwhelm you. You could try a new vocational skill like knitting for you child or you could take your child to kiddies play ground.

#respecttomums

Only a man who has gone thru the same ordeal would easily understand your pains & accept you for who you are. Like the first poster rightly said. So they won't see it like they are doing you a favor.

Altho I know few women who are still very good looking with similar issues with their ex-hubby & still have guys running after them. Just be patient, you might be single for now, doesn't mean your life would remain that way.

Moreso, you have to be financially independent.

Dear OP, focus on your strength(s) and develop them. Hang out with friends in your spare time. Channel the excess energy into making your child happy. Do not try too hard else you will get your fingers burned repeatedly . Make yourself happy first! Find inner peace , be confident regardless. The right man will come knocking when you least expect him. Goodluck.

If you eventually find someone and you give him a chance, if things do not work out well. Pick the lessons learnt and move on!
Live life, Be happy, stay strong, stand firm for there is light at the end of the tunnel
.

Op, be strong, focus on your child, your career and always look good.. One of my aunts, she married had two kids boys.. But her husband died in a car crash after two years of marriage. He left her with one year old boy and 7months old boy that she was yet to deliver. It was a traumatic period for her. She gave birth after 9months. Picked up the pieces of her life, got a job and focus on her kids and trust me she's always looking good.
She always wish, she could get married immediately or at least some years after.. But guys coming her way, were not serious.. Until 18years later, she met her now husband, she met him during the festive period in the village. He himself wants a wife, he's a divorcee with kids and he's doing so well for him self except having a cool headed woman to call his wife. They met, they liked each other. Their goals similar. They are married now. And she's very happy. She travels abroad thrice year cos her husband resides there..her husband too comes to Nigeria too.. They shuffle their trips.. She has forgotten all those lonely nights... . Be patient. You will marry again. It's well

My child is more important to me than a thousand husband.

You're doing more harm to yourself than good. You're not ready for marriage at all.

You should break yourself outta the shell or you'll be single for long if not for life. In life there are somethings you know within yourself and you dont have to say out then ppl will find out by themselves later as feelings never hide. A man in ur shoes saying these words would not get a wife too to be frank.

Youre the architect of your life structure. God help you

Funny thing is she might even end up getting married to a single guy(with no child)She doesn't have to limit herself to divorcees/widowers/single fathers. Just enjoy life and be happy, Do the things that make you happy, whatever you think makes you reminisce bout your past, trash it! Having a child doesn't make you less of a woman. Go to the health section and see the number of women praying to God for the fruit of the womb. A man that will love you and also love your child like his will definitely come but while he is on his way, don't kill yourself with worry, you don't want him to arrive and see you looking disheveled. Now Op say cheeseeeeeee

Mindfulness:
I will never understand why some people can't stay alone for a while but ok, everyone is different.

I recommend that you look out for men who have a child too. It will be easier for them to understand you and where you are coming from.

I have been alone for a long time since 2011 right from the moment I got married,you could read my previous post as for men that have children I haven't seen any yet only the single men. Thanks

Mimzyy:
Dear OP, focus on your strength(s) and develop them. Hang out with friends in your spare time. Channel the excess energy into making your child happy. Do not try too hard else you will get your fingers burned repeatedly . Make yourself happy first! Find inner peace , be confident regardless. The right man will come knocking when you least expect him. Goodluck.

If you eventually find someone and you give him a chance, if things do not work out well. Pick the lessons learnt and move on!
Live life, Be happy, stay strong, stand firm for there is light at the end of the tunnel
.

Thank you very much,I feel so encouraged.

Amelian:
Op, be strong, focus on your child, your career and always look good.. One of my aunts, she married had two kids boys.. But her husband died in a car crash after two years of marriage. He left her with one year old boy and 7months old boy that she was yet to deliver. It was a traumatic period for her. She gave birth after 9months. Picked up the pieces of her life, got a job and focus on her kids and trust me she's always looking good.
She always wish, she could get married immediately or at least some years after.. But guys coming her way, were not serious.. Until 18years later, she met her now husband, she met him during the festive period in the village. He himself wants a wife, he's a divorcee with kids and he's doing so well for him self except having a cool headed woman to call his wife. They met, they liked each other. Their goals similar. They are married now. And she's very happy. She travels abroad thrice year cos her husband resides there..her husband too comes to Nigeria too.. They shuffle their trips.. She has forgotten all those lonely nights... . Be patient. You will marry again. It's well

Thanks I put my faith in the lord

RadicallyBlunt:

You're doing more harm to yourself than good. You're not ready for marriage at all.

You should break yourself outta the shell or you'll be single for long if not for life. In life there are somethings you know within yourself and you dont have to say out then ppl will find out by themselves later as feelings never hide. A man in ur shoes saying these words would not get a wife too to be frank.

Youre the architect of your life structure. God help you

I said that because the guy repeated said maybe I should send my child to village or something,this is what I can never do,my child is growing up without his father then denying him of his mothers love is wickedness and I can't do that for any man.

Mimzyy:
Funny thing is she might even end up getting married to a single guy(with no child)She doesn't have to limit herself to divorcees/widowers/single fathers. Just enjoy life and be happy, Do the things that make you happy, whatever you think makes you reminisce bout your past, trash it! Having a child doesn't make you less of a woman. Go to the health section and see the number of women praying to God for the fruit of the womb. A man that will love you and also love your child like his will definitely come but while he is on his way, don't kill yourself with worry, you don't want him to arrive and see you looking disheveled. Now Op say cheeseeeeeee

Thank you so much sweetheart

urbanmsg:
Thank you so much sweetheart

You are welcome. Have a stress free day hun.

urbanmsg:
I put up a topic sometime here sometime ago about my marriage. After all said and done I decided to move on with my life because ex hubby never showed remorse and has shut down communication. I been overwhelmed,distressed,hurt and heart broken but no matter what life goes on and I thank God I am healed from all that.
Mhen entering the dating scene with a child is a tough one Nigeria. Most Naija guys think they are doing you a favor,they don't even care how you got there,every single mum with a child is stereotyped. Here is my experience so far:
I have this one that wants marriage but keeps saying that he won't train another man's child. I keep wondering who is more important to me whether him or my child. My child is more important to me than a thousand husband. The second guy I met asked me what I am bringing to the table,I so laughed out loud,told him I am the Table what else does he want me to bring. I have since deleted all his contact. The third guy a doctor from the word go was only talking S*x,I keep wondering if I looked like a call girl. Is like I am going to be single for a looooong time. The loneliness gets annoying sometimes though.Please if you have a word for me,you drop it. Thanks

So i went through your other thread and honestly felt sorry for you. Its a pity you had such hard luck.
However,

1. Did you eventually wait to hear your husband's explanation or did you get riled up with the advice u got from the ladies in the other thread(most of whom are still happily married)?

2. Your husband finally cut off all communication you say, but in your other thread (2months ago), you said he was trying to reach out to you but you didnt want to listen? You were advised not to see him in his place to avoid being bullied, you were advised not to see him in your place to avoid being emotionally blackmailed... So how did you establish communication with him? Or how was he to establish communication with you?

3. I saw your opinion on polygamy and how u dont want to go through such. I get it. Has your husband returned to SA to be with the other lady?
P. S, i can vouch for what some of the guys were saying in the other thread, SA has become quite tough for nigerians even in the medical field.

4. Are your parents still pleadingon his behalf? If yes, what are thier reasons? Financial or because he was well behaved in thier eyes.


Caveat: I am not saying that what he did was honourable or proper or that you have no right to be angry, but is it possible that this issue could have been resolved and in a more amicable way if you had not brought it to nairaland and some posters had not given you very venomous advice? Or making you feel like a fool if you even tried listening to what he had to say?


What i am saying is, barring everything you read here, would you have actually been able to forgive him if you alone were left to make that decision? It would have been a tough thing to do, many men and women wouldnt be able to forgive and they woud be right to do so. But would you, if left to youself, have been able to do it, forgive him that is?





Finally, i think it would be best if the people who told you to leave your husband without listening to his side of the story first be the one to come and advice you now on how to manage your single again status. Just saying.

urbanmsg:
I keep wondering who is more important to me whether him or my child. My child is more important to me than a thousand husband.

So, why exactly are you looking for marriage? Just get a place holder since loneliness is your real problem. I'm not sure any sane man will want to marry you knowing this. I mean, while he's sheltering you and your child, he's not the most important factor in the equation? Seems to me like you want to eat your cake and have it too.

Or you could find a single father who would more likely empathise with you, and more willing to accept your child.

urbanmsg:

I said that because the guy repeated said maybe I should send my child to village or something,this is what I can never do,my child is growing up without his father then denying him of his mothers love is wickedness and I can't do that for any man.

My dear pls don't send your child away from you, cause later in life.. U will live to regret it.
And I think been discreet, on how much u love your child towards men coming your way should also be considered.. Let the men know calmly that your child can't live away from you... 2face baby mama who got married to a pastor today, her two sons for 2face lives with she and her new husband. My aunt, her two sons although in the university now but during vacations stay with her and her husband.. It takes a man with a large heart to accept another man's child as his own.

My worker's son, he is 1year old when I met him and quickly I fell in love with the little boy and he looks exactly like me, it's amazing.. I love the boy so much that his mum took pictures of us together, as I hugged and carried him while he chuckled with joy innocently.. I posted the pics on my page on Fbk.. Women complimented on his cute looks. While one particular guy asked me on my post: is he my son? I said nope but my friend's son.. He then said is that's why am posting his pics on my page and showing him love like he's my son.. I was shocked.. I was like.. Look I don't discriminate on kids because he's not from my womb.. I love him as my own.. It's either u stop looking at my page..or close your eyes whenever facebook brings up that pic on homepage.

So u can imagine such mindset?
Try as much as possible to focus on making yourself better and care for your child.. A better man will come your way

Some men can sound like they are doing you a favour ehn

Loneliness and boredom can't be ruled out but you have to learn how to manage it
Even being in relationships sef can be boring sometimes
Try something new

There are lots of single mum ending up with single guys
And they are happy

It might take a while but you will get your own

Meanwhile
Just love yourself and your son

OP, continue to work harder to support yourself and your child. I believe you're not living under the bridge, and you're making at least enough to meet your basic needs.
A man coming into your life doesn't automatically mean he'll take you off the streets because you were never on the streets to begin with.
Continue to develop yourself, and continually strive to be better so that when you do meet that man, he won't be scared of taking up responsibilities that aren't his, cos you're more than capable of doing that on your own
Your child has only you to look up to, so I won't advice you give him up especially since you can cater for his needs.
Go out regularly, do new things, go new places. Enjoy your singleness while you can cos once you get married , you may not have the opportunity to do a lot of other things.
I pray you eat the fruit of your labor of love over your child.

I didn't go through her previous thread thou, but if what you pointed out are from her previous post then its shameful to say the least.
You cant eat your cake and have it.
Women are too emotional in nature and fall for the suggestions of others and when reality checks in they start looking for what to hold on to for their bizarre situation.

You can as well remain where you are if you hold --so dear this notion that "My child is more important to me than a thousand husband."

5minsmadness:


So i went through your other thread and honestly felt sorry for you. Its a pity you had such hard luck.
However,

1. Did you eventually wait to hear your husband's explanation or did you get riled up with the advice u got from the ladies in the other thread(most of whom are still happily married)?

2. Your husband finally cut off all communication you say, but in your other thread (2months ago), you said he was trying to reach out to you but you didnt want to listen? You were advised not to see him in his place to avoid being bullied, you were advised not to see him in your place to avoid being emotionally blackmailed... So how did you establish communication with him? Or how was he to establish communication with you?

3. I saw your opinion on polygamy and how u dont want to go through such. I get it. Has your husband returned to SA to be with the other lady?
P. S, i can vouch for what some of the guys were saying in the other thread, SA has become quite tough for nigerians even in the medical field.

4. Are your parents still pleadingon his behalf? If yes, what are thier reasons? Financial or because he was well behaved in thier eyes.


Caveat: I am not saying that what he did was honourable or proper or that you have no right to be angry, but is it possible that this issue could have been resolved and in a more amicable way if you had not brought it to nairaland and some posters had not given you very venomous advice? Or making you feel like a fool if you even tried listening to what he had to say?


What i am saying is, barring everything you read here, would you have actually been able to forgive him if you alone were left to make that decision? It would have been a tough thing to do, many men and women wouldnt be able to forgive and they woud be right to do so. But would you, if left to youself, have been able to do it, forgive him that is?





Finally, i think it would be best if the people who told you to leave your husband without listening to his side of the story first be the one to come and advice you now on how to manage your single again status. Just saying.

urbanmsg:


I have been alone for a long time since 2011 right from the moment I got married,you could read my previous post as for men that have children I haven't seen any yet only the single men. Thanks

I didn't know it. Sorry.

I think you have been given great pieces of advice from others here. It will go a long way if you can apply it.

Yes it's not your fault to be a single mum, but in Nigerian settings, you must have a good reason for being a single mum before another man will listen to you. No man will happily accept the responsibility of another man's child in this hard time. Like someone said, if you value your child more than a thousand husband, then stop look out for any form of dating and face your child. Because unless the man is also a single dad, he may never understand your situation.

urbanmsg:

I said that because the guy repeated said maybe I should send my child to village or something,this is what I can never do,my child is growing up without his father then denying him of his mothers love is wickedness and I can't do that for any man.

Ok. This s should have been a content of the original post then, for certainty on why u said so. Your decision is fair and good

Notwithstanding "u cant take ur child to d village for any man is different from ur child is important than a thousand husband". Except you dont plan to settle down with the man. Having a child outside wedlock isnt a bad thing. Addition of pschy issues makes it so

Just be cool. D right man will come i believe.

5minsmadness:


So i went through your other thread and honestly felt sorry for you. Its a pity you had such hard luck.
However,

1. Did you eventually wait to hear your husband's explanation or did you get riled up with the advice u got from the ladies in the other thread(most of whom are still happily married)?

2. Your husband finally cut off all communication you say, but in your other thread (2months ago), you said he was trying to reach out to you but you didnt want to listen? You were advised not to see him in his place to avoid being bullied, you were advised not to see him in your place to avoid being emotionally blackmailed... So how did you establish communication with him? Or how was he to establish communication with you?

3. I saw your opinion on polygamy and how u dont want to go through such. I get it. Has your husband returned to SA to be with the other lady?
P. S, i can vouch for what some of the guys were saying in the other thread, SA has become quite tough for nigerians even in the medical field.

4. Are your parents still pleadingon his behalf? If yes, what are thier reasons? Financial or because he was well behaved in thier eyes.


Caveat: I am not saying that what he did was honourable or proper or that you have no right to be angry, but is it possible that this issue could have been resolved and in a more amicable way if you had not brought it to nairaland and some posters had not given you very venomous advice? Or making you feel like a fool if you even tried listening to what he had to say?


What i am saying is, barring everything you read here, would you have actually been able to forgive him if you alone were left to make that decision? It would have been a tough thing to do, many men and women wouldnt be able to forgive and they woud be right to do so. But would you, if left to youself, have been able to do it, forgive him that is?





Finally, i think it would be best if the people who told you to leave your husband without listening to his side of the story first be the one to come and advice you now on how to manage your single again status. Just saying.

I just went through the other thread to see if I commented there but I didn't so what I am about to say is not in self-defence but to point out the fallacy of your post, which takes the responsibility from the husband and insinuates that OP has no mind of her own to distinguish between good and bad advice.

Are you in a way saying that the posters there advising her are responsible for her situation? What the man did is not 'honorable' - as you put it mildly, very mildly, too mildly - but the happily married ladies are to be blamed now? Like seriously? Have you considered that these ladies may be happily married because they don't take nonsense and looked out for men with sense?

Mindfulness:


I just went through the other thread to see if I commented there but I didn't so what I am about to say is not in self-defence but to point out the fallacy of your post, which takes the responsibility from the husband and insinuates that OP has no mind of her own to distinguish between good and bad advice.

Are you in a way saying that the posters there advising her are responsible for her situation? What the man did is not 'honorable' - as you put it mildly, very mildly, too mildly - but the happily married ladies are to be blamed now? Like seriously? Have you considered that these ladies may be happily married because they don't take nonsense and looked out for men with sense?

I put it too mildly. I see.
Maybe I'm not good with words. How should I have put it?

5minsmadness:


I put it too mildly. I see.
Maybe I'm not good with words. How should I have put it?

You got my point.

urbanmsg:

I have been alone for a long time since 2011 right from the moment I got married,you could read my previous post as for men that have children I haven't seen any yet only the single men. Thanks

Maybe it's because you are expecting too much from these men. Are you looking for the next father to your child or the next partner to walk down the aisle with?

As hard as it is, I think you need to let go of your need for commitment. You can just date these guys for companionship sake (s3x e.t.c)

I know you've been on your own since you got married, but maybe you need to be alone for a while longer. . . . Just to establish your independence.

Why on earth will a guy even suggest you choosing your kid over him? Did you ask him to take care of your child for you

Just because you had a bad marriage doesn't mean you should jump into another.

You are lucky to have a child already, honestly marriage should be the last thing on your mind now.

5minsmadness:

Caveat: I am not saying that what he did was honourable or proper or that you have no right to be angry, but is it possible that this issue could have been resolved and in a more amicable way if you had not brought it to nairaland and some posters had not given you very venomous advice? Or making you feel like a fool if you even tried listening to what he had to say?

What i am saying is, barring everything you read here, would you have actually been able to forgive him if you alone were left to make that decision? It would have been a tough thing to do, many men and women wouldn't be able to forgive and they would be right to do so. But would you, if left to yourself, have been able to do it, forgive him that is?

I really don't understand your point. Are you saying she should NOT have left her husband? Because that's her decision to make, not yours (irrespective on what informed that decision)

Finally, i think it would be best if the people who told you to leave your husband without listening to his side of the story first be the one to come and advice you now on how to manage your single again status. Just saying.

There it is again . . the ever subtle threat of how woeful life is as a divorced woman . . . which is why a lot of women are suffering and smiling.

urbanmsg:
I put up a topic sometime here sometime ago about my marriage. After all said and done I decided to move on with my life because ex hubby never showed remorse and has shut down communication. I been overwhelmed,distressed,hurt and heart broken but no matter what life goes on and I thank God I am healed from all that.
Mhen entering the dating scene with a child is a tough one Nigeria. Most Naija guys think they are doing you a favor,they don't even care how you got there,every single mum with a child is stereotyped. Here is my experience so far:
I have this one that wants marriage but keeps saying that he won't train another man's child. I keep wondering who is more important to me whether him or my child. My child is more important to me than a thousand husband. The second guy I met asked me what I am bringing to the table,I so laughed out loud,told him I am the Table what else does he want me to bring. I have since deleted all his contact. The third guy a doctor from the word go was only talking S*x,I keep wondering if I looked like a call girl. Is like I am going to be single for a looooong time. The loneliness gets annoying sometimes though.Please if you have a word for me,you drop it. Thanks

Also, even girls who have never been married have kissed their share of frogs, before Prince Charming comes calling . . . I have some very unbelievable stories from my single days too . . . . . But it's a reflection of who these men are, not you.

Dating in Nigeria is tiresome . . . Having to deal with these chauvinistic cavemen is a huge task for ANYBODY!

so cheer up . . . you are not alone.

Mindfulness:
I will never understand why some people can't stay alone for a while but ok, everyone is different.

I recommend that you look out for men who have a child too. It will be easier for them to understand you and where you are coming from.

You won't believe that even the ones with 4 kids still want to marry a Virgin

Yes marrying a single mother comes with its baggage when the mother devotes more time the son than the new family, the man can make a reasonable demand

Let me ask, if you are dating a single father that devotes more than half his time to a child from a previous relationship and told you my son is more important that 1000 wives, I want to know how man women would continue to marry the man

What are you bringing to the table is a very legit question to ask, As long as the man tells you what he is bringing to the table. If you were offended by that and had to respond that "You are the table" or whatever that means. Maybe its better that you deleted his contact

Ujoan:


You won't believe that even the ones with 4 kids still want to marry a Virgin

See confidence.