kunleajaye:
Next week will be the fifth year anniversary of the day my wife and I tied the knot. It hasn’t really been smooth sailing and many people feel marriage is all about a fairy tale, a handsome hunk sweeping the fair damsel off her feet and riding off into the sunset to live “happily ever after”. From my experience, marriage is anything but.

A year after our wedding, my wife lost her mother on that ill-fated Dana plane crash. She was barely into her first month of pregnancy and she almost lost the baby. God knows how much we all tried to hold things together for her and her younger ones as she automatically became the mother figure to her younger ones. A few months later, into her 8th month of pregnancy, we both left the shores of Nigeria to the US as I had accepted an admission for graduate studies.

Fast forward to today, we have three lovely kids, a girl (the first) and two twin boys. Unfortunately for me though, I seem to have lost some of the affection I had in the past for my wife. In clearer terms, I fear I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t as smooth as one would expect. We all know, especially those who live here in the States, that working as an International student is hard. You can hardly find companies that want to hire foreigners, especially in the IT field I’m in. I sometimes wonder how I would pay for rent, utilities, daycare, and even food at the beginning of each month. Rent alone takes away all my meager salary. My wife first of all started out by purchasing and sending baby clothes and other stuff home to Nigeria, but with the “receive today, pay tomorrow” attitude of people at home, coupled with the whole decline of the naira, the business has literally been ruined with so many bills to pay. Luckily she also started school on a tuition-only scholarship, so we have to take the kids to the day-care almost everyday, which is an additional strain to the meager pay I receive.

I don’t want to assume it is my feelings for her reducing, but these days I almost always catch myself staring at her in forlorn. I don’t see the beautiful girl I married during the first few years of my marriage. I want to assume it is the stress of all this, coupled with my school work, but these days any little thing she does annoys me. She doesn’t help matters either and sometimes we shout at each other or argue over the most trivial of things. For the past couple of months we’ve not slept in the same room. She prefers to sleep with our daughter while I sleep with the boys in the other room. Anytime I want us to be together, she’ll complain that the kids are too young to sleep alone. I accepted that argument when we first had the boys but they are almost three now. I sometimes have to carry them to their room so that she will “agree” to stay with me, and that is sometimes with great reluctance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my wife. I just fear I don’t find her attractive anymore. The other night she told me our sex life has really dwindled and I out rightly told her it was her fault. She said she knows and she’ll try being better but till date I’ve not seen any improvement. She’ll complain of being tired or a headache anytime I want to initiate anything, only to plead with me the following morning. There was a day she just lay there like a log of wood, indirectly telling me to do what I want to do and be done with it. I got so angry that I didn’t know when I started yelling on her. She didn’t even respond and turned to face the wall. I left her alone in bed and slept on the couch that night.

I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore. I don't want a situation where all this will split our family apart and suffer the little ones.

kunleajaye:


I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore. I don't want a situation where all this will split our family apart and suffer the little ones.

LastProphet:
marriage takes a lot of toll on women especially after childbearing so its normal to have the sex appeal diminish. everything you described here is just a normal marriage, but what were u thinking when you married? wait till all her body begins to sag and ur own tummy begins to protrude then u will understand. u should also know that the death of her mum might still hurt till date, i lost a brother 16 yrs ago and every single day i think of him and it pains me in a way i cant describe. even biologically it is expected to feel diminished attraction after about 5yrs. try stay away from sex for some months, let her initiate for once otherwise leave the issue for a while. and hopefully if your economy improves and some burden lifted off both of you things might add a little pep at least for a while. just focus on keeping the house for now

Ujoan:
@ OP

Less expectations from both parties will go a long way to help. Maybe you need to stop seeing her as the perfect wife you wish her to be and start realising that nothing in life is perfect after all.

lilmax:
DIVORCE

Mindfulness:


Obviously.

You are stressed out and frustrated and you are taking it out on your wife. It's quite normal but at the same time counterproductive. It would be more helpful if you could focus on her positive contributions. Would life be better with three kids and no wife? I can deduce from your write up that she is a caring mother and that she tries her best to generate more income and I am sure she does even more. Don't blame each other. None of you chose this situation. I think both of you try hard to hold the family together. It's a tough phase but it shall come to pass. Relax! Clear your mind! It's almost impossible to find solutions when one's senses are clouded with stress and worries. Relax every day for at least 15 minutes and opportunities will surface.

S.ex is the least of your problems for now and it will be no problem at all when things start taking a turn for the better and they will.

herbie27:
I like the advice you gave him.

metalgear:


What will that end up achieving?

ItsQuinn:
From the observation of your story, I don't think your wife is going to change so it's either you tolerate, have extra marital affairs or you get a divorce. Simple! The choice is yours

Ujoan:
Nah wah ooh, I really need to learn people's history before 'advising'

https://www.nairaland.com/1230609/should-take-back#14830107

Poster, this your post happened in 2013 abi? How then have you been married for 5 years

Mindfulness:


Thanks, I hope it wasn't for nothing because Ujoan has discovered some inconsistency.

herbie27:
What kind of advice is this?, so infidelity is cool with you...and what makes you think she won't change from your observation?...change they say is constant.

ItsQuinn:
you are right about that.....but I gave him a lot of options though, you didn't look at when I said he can tolerate

herbie27:
He is married madam!, you're advising him to either get a Divorce with 3 kids, cheat on the wife or Tolerate her.

Marriage is for better and for worse...So there shouldn't be room for cheating and getting a divorce over an issue that can be fixed, he's facing challenges(worse), therefore he should endure and things will change for the better once he has a stable income.

herbie27:
He is married madam!, you're advising him to either get a Divorce with 3 kids, cheat on the wife or Tolerate her.

Marriage is for better and for worse...So there shouldn't be room for cheating and getting a divorce over an issue that can be fixed, he's facing challenges(worse), therefore he should endure and things will change for the better once he has a stable income.

blackmann:


Have you ever taken out some time to wonder if the said story wasn't what happened at that particular moment? Because OP posted it in 2013 doesn't mean it happened in 2013. i remember that story very well and i know OP was narrating it then "after the fact". I may be wrong but i surely don't doubt this story to be false.

blackmann:


Ko ju bee naa lo(e no pass that). Running away from your problems instead of facing them and tackling them shows you you're not a man. Any good husband and father worth his salt and name will do anything to make ends meet for his family. Sleeping outside or divorce will only make the matter worse.

@itsQuinn, i doubt if you are married, but if you were, would you want your husband to cheat on you or divorce you just because things are quite rough? How would you feel if you were in the wife's shoes?

blackmann:


Ko ju bee naa lo(e no pass that). Running away from your problems instead of facing them and tackling them shows you you're not a man. Any good husband and father worth his salt and name will do anything to make ends meet for his family. Sleeping outside or divorce will only make the matter worse.

@itsQuinn, i doubt if you are married, but if you were, would you want your husband to cheat on you or divorce you just because things are quite rough? How would you feel if you were in the wife's shoes?

ItsQuinn:
I dont care if he cheats on me, cheating is normal....and I can't force him to not divorce me if he's willing to, that's his choice and he's free to make that choice