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Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 3:50pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
So you've probably read lots of books and write-ups about relationships and why they fail. Now, I won't say they were all wrong. I'd rather say however that they all made it too complex! The singular most common reasons why relationships (of all kinds) fail is: *****wait for it**** ASSUMPTIONS! He assumed She was only after his money... She assumed He was only after her body... He wasn't acting the fairyTale romance role, so She assumed he didn't really love her... She hasn't given a response yet, so He assumed She wasn't interested.... He is returning late from work these days, so She assumed he's having an affair... She keeps feigning tiredness for sexx, He assumes she's sleeping around.... The list goes on... So let's trash down the assumptions together and watch love blossom. And so.... Welcome to The COB! Join me as we unravel The World of Assumptions. Here's how it works: Share your story Tell us your assumptions... What do you think is happening? Let us into your head ![]() While we let the world trash out your assumptions, you send me a PM so we dig further and uncover truths from assumptions. Talk it out with a relationship counsellor today! First 50 PMS would have completely free-of-charge counselling sessions! I'm ready, when you are! ![]() It could be that you have had an experience where you wrongly assumed something in a relationship. Tell us about it... How did it turn out for you? 1 Like |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 4:19pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
I'd be sharing my experience in this series. I hope you take note of my assumptions, the good and the bad and learn from them! Cheers! ![]() |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 4:32pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Jide and I had been friends for 4 years, best friends for 3 of those years. We shared everything - The joys, hopes, dreams, and even disappointments. He was the first person I wanted to share my achievements with and I had no doubt I could turn to him at the depth of my despair. Every friend of ours knew us together and probably gossiped a lot about how foolish I seemed to be. Foolish? I guess you are wondering why. You see, I was in my 300 level and Jide was in his final year. He was one of the populars and I was one of those girls no one ever noticed in class. To make matters even worse, Jide was dating Nike. Nike (unlike yours truly), had everything! She was tall, had the brightest smile that seemed to lighten up any room she stepped into. Long silky hair, beautiful eyes and long legs was a combination I couldn't even dare to compete with. Jide would tell me many times "I fell for her". I the early days, time words never meant anything, they only made me laugh. Actually though, He could get me laugh literally over anything. I liked his smile. His pink lips had a beautiful way of parting slightly in such a way that made it seem like the brightness in his eyes had somehow travelled towards his lips. He had his way of connecting to me in ways no one else could. Every guy who came around me had to subconsciously pass the "Jide-Test." I compared everything! How he walked, his smile, the way he responded to my concerns, his jokes, how he ate.... Everything! And slowly, I began to get entangled....... |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 5:07pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
No. 1 My first wrong assumption was: "We are just platonic friends. Nothing can ever happen" I was so certain of this assumption such that I even made a promise to him that if I ever felt anything romantic for him, I would tell him so we could douse it together. And for so long I deceived myself in that assumption. I mean everyone could see that I was all over him, but sincerely, I couldn't see it. In a group of friends I would pick him out and he spent more than half of his waking periods in my room. We would laugh, play, quarrel and argue, settle and start the cycle over again. Looking back, I cherish those pure and innocent times. ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× This is the first assumption you should trash. If you are in a boy-girl friendship, live with the reality that emotions CAN spring up. You are not made of steel, neither is your friend. I think that waking up to this realization helps to prepare you for whatever happens next. Not all best friends would end up with Happy-Ever-After, yet if you are not prepared in your mind for all possibilities, it could get really complicated and dicey. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 5:34pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
@Airforce1 Hello, I read your story about your girlfriend. Love is a beautiful emotion that really should be simple without man's complexity. Now, I totally understand many people would trash you based on the fact that your girl from your description seems like "every man's dream". However, what if your dream is slightly different from "every man's dream"? That doesn't exactly make you evil. Come, Let's unravel this together. What attracts you in a woman? How did you get into this current relationship? I mean what was the connecting link? Please feel free to ignore if it does not please you to have this discussion. Regards Cc: Airforce1, Caringguy |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Remilekun101: 5:43pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
okay |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 5:48pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Jayson1: 6:03pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Nice one OP. This thread is just the definition of what Romance Section should be. |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 6:06pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Jayson1: Thank you very much. ![]() I hope that we get to spice it up and make the thread very interesting. Please help by tagging anyone you know is going through some hassle in their love life. ![]() |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Jayson1: 6:11pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:No problem, just that the number of some scurrilous plonkers we have here is more than the intelligent ones. But it's all good, we shall overcome. ![]() |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 6:18pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Jayson1: 6:39pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:Brilliant ladies like Benita27, Beamborla, Raine80, Diddydiva, Butterfrost, mhisbliss,(though she can be stubborn but very brilliant) Laveda, Rosaliene, Sexytemi and a host of others can be of help here. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by mhisbliss(f): 7:04pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Jayson1:thanks for the mention, relationships aren't really my thing because I've been through and the experience wasn't what i thought it'd be, but from my little experience I'd say assumptions is the least of problems in relationships this days, there's a lot of other things you should consider like lack of communication, doubt, differences, the way you see life, insecurity, over protective nature and possessiveness, in the face of all this i don't think mere assumptions should be a case to worry about, i mean most of those things i mentioned can birth assumptions, For instance An insecure guy who happened to get a beautiful lady who he feels he doesn't deserve might start feeling insecure especially when it becomes obvious that guys are into his lady, any calls, standing close a guy, little change in composure, he starts feeling the insecurity which will give birth to doubts, then assumptions, Instead of asking her, he wouldn't, he'll feel paranoid and try to play detective, now that's lack of communication, he becomes over possessive and protective, etc you solve a problem by treating the root cause otherwise it becomes a reoccurring problem, so assumptions is the least of problems in a relationship Hope i made sense 6 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by coolestchris(m): 7:34pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
mhisbliss:
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Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Jayson1: 7:49pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
mhisbliss:I didn't make any mistake whatsoever mentioning you. Now, this brilliant, elaborately constructed. Just what the Op need. Sorry for the late reply. 4 Likes 1 Share
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Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 8:41pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
mhisbliss: Hi dear.. Good evening and welcome to The COB. YES you made sense ![]() The beauty of having a conversation is that it allows us explore different angles to a given angles before settling for one. And explore we shall ![]() 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 8:53pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
I agree completely with you that to solve any problem, we MUST first tackle the root cause or the stressor (as I like to call it ![]() So I guess our first task would be to identify what REALLY is the stressor in relationship problems? Let's find out together. Why does that young man feel insecure? Probably he is broke...thus he assumes that his woman could be easily swooned by richer guys Why would he be worried when she shifts away to take a call? Because he assumes that she could be talking to her latest maga Why would he be worried when she says she can't come visiting? Because he assumes she might be somewhere else with another man You see, it's a subconscious thing. He doesn't deliberately plan to think or assume such things, but there's just that tiny corner of his head that keeps telling him "What if....." That tiny corner is in us all..... And it is a major contributor in the manifestation of every problem a relationship can have. Cc: mhisbliss |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by mhisbliss(f): 8:59pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:without insecurity they wont be any what if's or assumptions |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 9:07pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Next, you mentioned lack of communication. Indeed this is a key player in the breakdown of many relationships. But the question is: Why and How does the communication flow break down in relationships? Toyin loves to talk to Nkem about all the tiny details of her day. She would go from the neighbor that snored all afternoon, to Mama Ada who came visiting and Tope's husband who can't seem to walk without dragging his feet. Nkem would listen and even occasionally nod from time to time, but he would never share about his own day. This isn't really because of anything negative, but because Nkem just prefers to talk less. After a while, Toyin begins to feel like the talkative in the relationship. She assumes that perhaps Nkem's lack of gist is because he is bored by her endless talks. So she tries to make 'adjustments', albeit adjustments that are uncalled for. She consciously picks out the stories to share and the ones to keep to herself assuming in doing so that she is sparing him some drama. But the truth is: Gisting about all those tiny details are what glows the spark for Toyin and she is slowly losing it. Before long she no longer feels that surge of excitement to burst out info to Nkem. Definitely, he notices that she is no longer sharing all her tiny details with him, she is more withdrawn these days..... He thinks "Maybe she is tired.... Or there could be someone else......." Slowly and subconsciously he withdraws... Before any of us can spell Jack, the walls of that relationship is fast cracking. The diagnosis given at first glance is "Lack of communication". But was it really? Or wasn't there something else influencing the end product? 5 Likes |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by LoRdCaT(m): 9:15pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:+yawns+ Miss find a day job. ![]() |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 9:24pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
mhisbliss: Not really dear. An assumption doesnt necessarily have to be negative. It generally refers to an individual's thoughts and inferences. Because we must think, assumptions occur in every relationship. When we think, we draw out inferences from our thoughts. However, when these our thoughts are streamlined mainly towards negative inferences, an individual may become insecure. So it's actually assumptions that lead up to insecurity not the other way round. It is not the presence of insecurity that leads to "what if?" It is accumulation of plenty what-ifs that yield insecurity. Insecurity can actually be colloquially defined as 'an excessive persistence of negative/inferior what-ifs' 3 Likes 1 Share
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Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 9:26pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
1 Like |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 9:33pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
While we are analysing this particular angle to the discussion, please feel free to drop in your experiences. It doesn't have to be that you have a current relationship problem to tackle. It could be that you have had an experience where you wrongly assumed something in a relationship. Tell us about it... How did it turn out for you? ***I'd be updating my experience every Monday*** |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by mhisbliss(f): 9:41pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:hmmm interesting |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by LoRdCaT(m): 9:41pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:Good to know. After working during the day, you should be resting at night. Stop disturbing us with all this COB balderdash. |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 9:44pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
LoRdCaT: You sure seem to be enjoying this 'disturbance'. ![]() You compliment is welcome ![]() 1 Like |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Jayson1: 9:46pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:At this point, that great overwhelming of joyful excitement we once shared starts to efface gradually. Some negative impression about her will start to set in. @bolded. |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Horlohlah: 9:47pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:Not getting answers(lack of communication) leads to overthinking which further leads to assumption. You should not leave your partner in a position that render him/her clueless about whats going with you cos if he/she cares,that will bother them and cause them to start coming up with assumptions since you left them hanging in the first place. Effective communication goes a long way in a relationship...no amount of detail is useless cos relationship is a ship that needs two sailor for a steady sailing. For instance, If you know you will get really busy...tell your partner before it begin...that way he/she wont feel like something else is happening...after telling him/her,when you actually become unavailable due to your busy schedule...keep reminding him/her that its all cos of your schedule and they will know you have them in mind. Never leave your partner hanging or clueless 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Nobody: 9:54pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Just passing |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 10:01pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Horlohlah: I agree with you. But here's the point I'm trying to make for instance: A lack of good communication would not break-up a relationship. It is the assumption embedded therein that would destroy the relationship. If a couple notices that there's a loophole in their communication and fixes it, they avoid negative assumptions and thus save their relationship. However, if they ignore communication, mostly due to assumptions or other reasons, negative assumptions creep in to further rotten the relationship. So I'm not discrediting all other factors as lesser relationship issues. I'm saying the main culprit is the Negative Assumptions which is in itself borne out of a host of reasons including assuming things. For instance, A man could assume that his wife should know that he is busy and thus not categorically tell her as u have mentioned above. This in turn like you said, would give birth to negative assumptions, further sour the communication flow.... And culminate in a breakup 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by TheCOB(f): 10:03pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
Jayson1: Exactly! Before you know it, the spark is gone |
Re: Talk Here If You Are Married or In A Romantic Relationship by Horlohlah: 10:06pm On Dec 19, 2016 |
TheCOB:We are saying the same thing,i only reiterated your point. The man chooses to assume and not communicate...it goes hand in hand. Lack of communication-Overthinking-Assumption. 1 Like |
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