As narrated by a lady friend and protégé. Are there other singles out there who have found themselves in this position?
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I am female, 28, unattached and a very busy professional. Sometime in June 2016 I met a man, much older and I put him in his early 40s, at a business conference. Nothing unusual about the meeting and after the one day conference, we exchanged numbers and parted ways, he to Enugu and I to Ibadan. We didn’t get to speak again till about a month later and after that about once a week.

He seems a nice guy, unassuming and easy to talk to. We have talked about virtually everything possible and I have sought his views on a number of personal issues though sometimes I hide this under a third party narrative. Presently I find that I become edgy if we don’t have that weekly call and increasingly I have initiated additional calls.

The reason for this is quite simple. He does things that make me feel special and I will highlight two quick instances.

During my last birthday, I planned a low key 5 person get together with some friends and told him about it in passing. He took the time to come to Ibadan on that day and just brought life to what was supposed to be an after work lazy chat/drinks with my girls.

I was in Lagos recently and spent a couple of days on admission as a result of food poisoning. He got to know and was by my side for a full day, leaving just in time to catch the last flight back to Enugu. Needless to say the discomfort of the food poisoning was not felt all through his presence.

After that we have both visited Lagos at the same time and met up for drinks etc. I have not had any reason to ask him if he is married as there has not been any push from him for intimacy but recently I had to tell myself the truth that I was already emotionally entangled.

I took a bold step last week to tell him I would love to visit him in Enugu during the Christmas as I had never been to that part of the country. He thought it was a good idea but didn’t sound too enthusiastic. I also plan to ask him out-rightly if he is married and has a family…but suspect I may not like the answer. The reality is that I am already involved and really don’t know how to progress with this? Why does he go out of his way to make me feel special?

UPDATE 21/12/16
We finally agreed on a plan and i will be off to Enugu, first flight on Friday, 23/12/16. Already in Lagos today against tomorrow. Looks like i will be staying in a hotel for first couple of nights in Enugu and then off to Anambra where he is from, for a more days. I love travelling and so I am game. Also an opportunity to attend my girls traditional wedding in Imo State on 27/12/16. Didn't plan to go before but learnt Orlu in Imo state is just a couple of hours away. I plan to get some really important questions out of the way almost immediately i arrive Enugu.....one way or the other i am determined to enjoy my first trip to Eastern Nigeria regardless of how those issues turn out. So near yet so far away!

I guess some men are confused about what they want. I have a friend like that. Treats you so nice then and all that. I got emotionally entangled too. But yet it seemed he was never attached with all those care. Apparently some men like this exist. I think if u ask him m, he won't b married...I feel it's emotionally confused men. Commitment phobic men who over care for a lady...make her emotionally attached n yet d don't get attached. How does that even work...how are some guys able to do it without being emotionally attached too?
I had to stop talking to him o...it hurt n he asked y. I told him I was getting emotionally entangled with him and don't need that
If he loves u then...he shld pursue...if not...let him be
Now am free and counting my wedding soon

Ladies should stop these nonsense.. See men arent gifted with mind reading okay, so if u like him, u tell him. Simple.. Jeez..

fumisko:
I guess some men are confused about what they want. I have a friend like that. Treats you so nice then and all that. I got emotionally entangled too. But yet it seemed he was never attached with all those care. Apparently some men like this exist. I think if u ask him m, he won't b married...I feel it's emotionally confused men. Commitment phobic men who over care for a lady...make her emotionally attached n yet d don't get attached. How does that even work...how are some guys able to do it without being emotionally attached too?
I had to stop talking to him o...it hurt n he asked y. I told him I was getting emotionally entangled with him and don't need that
If he loves u then...he shld pursue...if not...let him be
Now am free and counting my wedding soon

he isnt confused please, she is. She thinks he is a mind reader. Dats not the way to go about issues like this. She has done everythn except one thing, to tell him she likes him.. How hard is that

The way we ladies are taught, we are not to tell a guy we like him. Because we feel he may take us for granted later on if he even attempts to date you out of pity....why can't he talk if he truly likes her too
Why show so much care n all and yet u have no plans to have a relationship. Don't men know that women are emotional beings. We fall in love with those who care for us unconditionally??
So if she tells him and he says I only see u as a friend or sister...how should she face the rejection or be free with him again even on the friendship level? She would feel somehow. It's a guy's job to toast

But if it's really taking ur peace away from u @OP tel him o
Better for u to have peace of mind
Better still eject him for sometime from ur life so u can have full control of your heart

That's the thing. She said has hinted in several decent and subtle ways. Sometimes she is also careful cos of age difference so that she wont be misunderstood. He treats her well and she does enjoy the few times they spend together. he is patient and listens to her and also very playful with her in an easy way. Her requesting to visit him in his domain is to get him to show his hands so if they are not on the same page she can quickly disentangle where possible. I asked her what she would do if it turns out he is married and she says she will cross that bridge when she gets there.

That he acts nice doesnt mean he 'likes like' you

So why would a guy waste so much effort in being nice?

wordbank:
Wetin woman want sef

Men don tire self.

Wow, acting weird atimes to ladies makes them go gaga...i 've tried it before and it worked wonders...now, the man in the picture is playing same and it's working like kodnomi....I guess this is what nigerian ladies need...show then immeasurable care and love and immediately you percieve they are getting emotionally entangled just disappear for a moment so they will find you come

I don't think he has feelings for you. You are talking about what's happening to me presently. There is this lady i met few months ago. She is nice, funny, intelligent and just like Sibeal said on another thread, "she's got a bright future behind her" . We are both single and we hang out like twice in a month. From what she says and how she acts when i'm around her, it's obvious she likes me and feels it's mutual. The only thing is, it isn't, i only see her as a friend. She even went as far as telling a friend of her's about it, who later told me. Pfft!
Sometimes, people are just kind and caring. Op, don't expect anything from him. If it's meant to be, it'll be, albeit rather spontaneously.
All the best

.

.

It's a guy's job to toast

Still waiting patiently for the day our ladies would wake up from this archaic stereotyped mindset.

OP. Situations like dis happen, the lady thinks he treats her overly special (or so it seems). Whar if the guy is naturally like dat and treats all his close friends in the same manner?
If she likes him she shouldn't be afraid 2 let him know, what's d worst that could happen?
We men get rejected and we don't make any fuss about it.

Telling him that you want to come and spend the Christmas in Enugu might be considered being too forward in some cultures. From the post i am assuming man and woman are from different parts of the country. For some guys, the thrill is in the chase and i suggest you sit back and let him come for you if he really wants you. For your sake I just hope you dont become too invested emotionally just in case he is married. This happened to me with a woman who owned a mid sized boutique. She don even let me put mouth for "Bobbi" several times untill i met a man in her boutiqur who she introduced as her husband working in another city. I wasnout of there so fast!

Onuokwu:
As narrated by a lady friend and protégé. Are there other singles out there who have found themselves in this position?
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I am female, 28, unattached and a very busy professional. Sometime in June 2016 I met a man, much older and I put him in his early 40s, at a business conference. Nothing unusual about the meeting and after the one day conference, we exchanged numbers and parted ways, he to Enugu and I to Ibadan. We didn’t get to speak again till about a month later and after that about once a week.

He seems a nice guy, unassuming and easy to talk to. We have talked about virtually everything possible and I have sought his views on a number of personal issues though sometimes I hide this under a third party narrative. Presently I find that I become edgy if we don’t have that weekly call and increasingly I have initiated additional calls.

The reason for this is quite simple. He does things that make me feel special and I will highlight two quick instances.

During my last birthday, I planned a low key 5 person get together with some friends and told him about it in passing. He took the time to come to Ibadan on that day and just brought life to what was supposed to be an after work lazy chat/drinks with my girls.

I was in Lagos recently and spent a couple of days on admission as a result of food poisoning. He got to know and was by my side for a full day, leaving just in time to catch the last flight back to Enugu. Needless to say the discomfort of the food poisoning was not felt all through his presence.

After that we have both visited Lagos at the same time and met up for drinks etc. I have not had any reason to ask him if he is married as there has not been any push from him for intimacy but recently I had to tell myself the truth that I was already emotionally entangled.

I took a bold step last week to tell him I would love to visit him in Enugu during the Christmas as I had never been to that part of the country. He thought it was a good idea but didn’t sound too enthusiastic. I also plan to ask him out-rightly if he is married and has a family…but suspect I may not like the answer. The reality is that I am already involved and really don’t know how to progress with this? Why does he go out of his way to make me feel special?

Op,I'd advise you give him time..Don't be the one to suggest a visit. Let him be the one to invite you over!! From what you stated,he has a couple of years on you...This man probably wants something that deviates from the normal sex- relationship cycle,considering his age..Just let things run their course!!

Some above said let him know u like him
Immediatly under someone said some men like d chase...leave them to do it

So which is right
Babe just leave ur heart open. Date other guys. Wen u jist tell him u went on dates n all...see his reaction if he isn't jealous u r simply friendzoned

i understand with her it's natural
Once a man begins to call u as a lady
Mayb evry Thursday
Ur brain adjusts to it
Wen it doesn't happen u begin to miss it
That's how some ladies are wired
The get emotionally attached easly

fumisko:
I guess some men are confused about what they want. I have a friend like that. Treats you so nice then and all that. I got emotionally entangled too. But yet it seemed he was never attached with all those care. Apparently some men like this exist. I think if u ask him m, he won't b married...I feel it's emotionally confused men. Commitment phobic men who over care for a lady...make her emotionally attached n yet d don't get attached. How does that even work...how are some guys able to do it without being emotionally attached too?
I had to stop talking to him o...it hurt n he asked y. I told him I was getting emotionally entangled with him and don't need that
If he loves u then...he shld pursue...if not...let him be
Now am free and counting my wedding soon

I happen to be that kind of man.
I can care for you as humble as possible, regardless of who is watching nor how long it takes but as long as you remain with me but I'll never get emotionally entangled and wouldn't let you know I'm not emotionally entangled. You are free to walk away when you are tired.

It makes me happy, secure and accountable to no one. I don't think I can ever be committed.
It is never confusion.

firstking01:
Wow, acting weird atimes to ladies makes them go gaga...i 've tried it before and it worked wonders...now, the man in the picture is playing same and it's working like kodnomi....I guess this is what nigerian ladies need...show then immeasurable care and love and immediately you percieve they are getting emotionally entangled just disappear for a moment so they will find you come

You don't have what it takes to do that

Bluezy13:



I happen to be that kind of man.
I can care for you as humble as possible, regardless of who is watching nor how long it takes but as long as you remain with me but I'll never get emotionally entangled and wouldn't let you know I'm not emotionally entangled. You are free to walk away when you are tired.

It makes me happy, secure and accountable to no one. I don't think I can ever be committed.
It is never confusion.

Would that be with somwone you have relationship with and consider to be dating or just a friend you are good to.

I have a friend like that then I used to crush on. So nice. We do evrything together,hang out, talk for hours on phone etc...but d guy would never talk anything relationship related. If I don't hear from him for sometime I won't feel ok. My mind would race n all. N I couldn't tell him because I wasn't sure if he is just a friend or not

My only saving grace was he had told me he has never been a relationship but has had friends etc
N he isn't young trust me

And there I was thinking all his care was love
I guess that's just who he was
Was heartbroken
Had to discipline my mind Cus d worst is I couldn't stop talking to him since he was still my friend

So I ask u @poster before me
Y do u do it
R u or some guys of that nature scared of commitment?
Do u want to get all benefits of commitment ( of having a relationship) n yet not have it
I swear until I met that guy I never knew guys like that existed
I was heart broken even got depressed to know someone I loved wasn't in love with me then but was overly caring

TLAX:


Would that be with somwone you have relationship with and consider to be dating or just a friend you are good to.

None... D r d guys Dt simply leav d girl emotionally confused. Cus d girl wld b so certain his overly love is because he loves her unknown to her
He is merely hvn fun... Female fragrance n touch

fumisko:
Some above said let him know u like him
Immediatly under someone said some men like d chase...leave them to do it

So which is right
Babe just leave ur heart open. Date other guys. Wen u jist tell him u went on dates n all...see his reaction if he isn't jealous u r simply friendzoned

i understand with her it's natural
Once a man begins to call u as a lady
Mayb evry Thursday
Ur brain adjusts to it
Wen it doesn't happen u begin to miss it
That's how some ladies are wired
The get emotionally attached easly

VERY TRUE

TLAX:


Would that be with somwone you have relationship with and consider to be dating or just a friend you are good to.

Having relationship...if you mean dating...is never my thing because I can't be committed.

And not just a friend I am good to...because it goes far beyond the "we are just friends".

It will appear intimate or so I would make it seem, perhaps to you and we are cool as long as you don't try to force things.

Think of it more as an intermediary between dating and just friends.

An instance of a most recent occurrence is available on request

fumisko:

None... D r d guys Dt simply leav d girl emotionally confused. Cus d girl wld b so certain his overly love is because he loves her unknown to her
He is merely hvn fun... Female fragrance n touch

You technically have a point!

fumisko:

None... D r d guys Dt simply leav d girl emotionally confused. Cus d girl wld b so certain his overly love is because he loves her unknown to her
He is merely hvn fun... Female fragrance n touch

True. I prefer the direct approach sooner than later. I mean its not like i am going to meet a girl for the first time and tell her i want a relationship but i need to make it pretty clear as earlynas possiblenif the chemistry is right.

.....and by the way this is a two way street. I had a girl tag along for a long time and wouldnt commit to a relationship. She had a fiance abroad she said and generally just blocked way for other prospects. You need to see reaction the day i told her i had a serious date with a prospect. It turned to full time stalking. I just tire.

Bluezy13:




Having relationship...if you mean dating...is never my thing because I can't be committed.

And not just a friend I am good to...because it goes far beyond the "we are just friends".

It will appear intimate or so I would make it seem, perhaps to you and we are cool as long as you don't try to force things.

Think of it more as an intermediary between dating and just friends.

An instance of a most recent occurrence is available on request

Friends with benefit?

Please give the instance. This is a request.

fumisko:
I have a friend like that then I used to crush on. So nice. We do evrything together,hang out, talk for hours on phone etc...but d guy would never talk anything relationship related. If I don't hear from him for sometime I won't feel ok. My mind would race n all. N I couldn't tell him because I wasn't sure if he is just a friend or not

My only saving grace was he had told me he has never been a relationship but has had friends etc
N he isn't young trust me

And there I was thinking all his care was love
I guess that's just who he was
Was heartbroken
Had to discipline my mind Cus d worst is I couldn't stop talking to him since he was still my friend

So I ask u @poster before me
Y do u do it
R u or some guys of that nature scared of commitment?
Do u want to get all benefits of commitment ( of having a relationship) n yet not have it
I swear until I met that guy I never knew guys like that existed
I was heart broken even got depressed to know someone I loved wasn't in love with me then but was overly caring

I understand your view.
But sadly, we do not care about how you feel when you finally realize we were just pleasing ourselves and making you think we were pleasing you.
We don't just care. To us, it is normal.
And luckily for us...or me in particular...we never run short of girls.
As soon as one seems to be keeping her distance for reasons known to her which we will not even ask, another girl just naturally happens to come around.

Well, you actually have a point where you said we are scared of commitment. Although to me, I have tried to be committed sometimes, but it doesn't just work because I'll end up not taking the relationship seriously

TLAX:

Friends with benefit?
Please give the instance. This is a request.

It's actually a long story... I will share it later. I promise