sexymoma:

what do you mean by connection...

sexymoma:
i think by now i should be thinking hard on the advice you've given me...

TheCOB:

I mean what was the initial attraction that made you start dating him... What were those things that made you agree to be his woman?

And here's why I asked:

You can't seem to name nice qualities about him, you don't like dating made men, he isn't romantic at all, he doesn't give you ANY attention..... YET you are dating him. Why?

sexymoma:
his intelligence...that was what attracted me...even with the few months we've dated i've gained lil. he s friendly too

Okay nice..

Here's what I'd say...

It does seem to me from your one side of the story, that you both jump-started the relationship without first taking time to become friends.

Here's the deal: He may Truly be busy, but if you already had a strong bond of friendship, he'd still make time for his buddy. Strange as it may seem, it's kinda easier to make time for 'buddy' than 'girlfriend'. The reason is that his mind tends to attach "demands" to the thought of 'girlfriend' while attaching "fun" to the thought of 'buddy'. So chances are that, if he has a free 5 mins he'd be more likely to reply a short msg from his 'buddy'.

For instance if you call a friend and he doesn't pick, you'd probably think nothing of it and just call him back later, but the 'girlfriend' in you wouldn't be so easily pacified.

The trick is to tell yourself that 'girlfriend mode' with all its rights and incentives is currently on pause mode. Activate 'buddy mode'. Be his friend. Convince yourself that he didn't pick because he was busy, thus call back later. Don't give 5 missed calls in a row. Refuse the girlfriend in you from getting upset. Since you say he is friendly, what stops you for being his playmate? I mean he spends all his time being serious with work, so be his relaxation spot.

Please though, Don't do this forever. A plan should be SMART.
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic and
Timed

So set a time period during which you should monitor progress in your relationship. If ALL seems not to be working, perhaps you should think again...

The great thing about this is that, if it turns out that he really isn't interested in a serious relationship with you, you would discern this when you establish the bond of friendship. You won't need to wonder, you'd just know.

If you, however would like TheCOB to have a chat with him (with or without a reference to you) just to get a feeler of his thoughts, please send me a PM.


Of course you do know, that we are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.... He might also simply not be into you. But you really won't know if you don't try

princessayesha:
I dont know if its assuption @op
And i hope someone learns from what am about to say
We love each other but we seem to attract the opposite sex a lot. His phone is always busy so i assumed he cheating. Guys ask for my number on my insta (thru comment ) so he assumed i have given them. And then he checked my phone...he saw so many text messages (most of which i left on read) so he assumed i am playing around. Turns out our trust issues led to a nasty break up. What hurts is that he does not wish me well, he said so many bad things to me...he wants me to suffer...he wants me to marry someone that will make my life hell. Assumptions hurt...

Thanks for sharing your experience dear. I guess your next relationship would fare better armed with what you have now learned.

Don't worry, love would find you; and this time you'd do it right

Welcome to The COB

mhisbliss:
thanks for the mention, relationships aren't really my thing because I've been through and the experience wasn't what i thought it'd be, but from my little experience I'd say assumptions is the least of problems in relationships this days, there's a lot of other things you should consider like lack of communication, doubt, differences, the way you see life, insecurity, over protective nature and possessiveness, in the face of all this i don't think mere assumptions should be a case to worry about, i mean most of those things i mentioned can birth assumptions,

For instance
An insecure guy who happened to get a beautiful lady who he feels he doesn't deserve might start feeling insecure especially when it becomes obvious that guys are into his lady, any calls, standing close a guy, little change in composure, he starts feeling the insecurity which will give birth to doubts, then assumptions,

Instead of asking her, he wouldn't, he'll feel paranoid and try to play detective, now that's lack of communication, he becomes over possessive and protective, etc

you solve a problem by treating the root cause otherwise it becomes a reoccurring problem, so assumptions is the least of problems in a relationship

Hope i made sense

mhisbliss:
[color=#000099]thanks for the mention, relationships aren't really my thing because I've been through and the experience wasn't what i thought it'd be, but from my little experience I'd say assumptions is the least of problems in relationships this days, there's a lot of other things you should consider like lack of communication, doubt, differences, the way you see life, insecurity, over protective nature and possessiveness, in the face of all this i don't think mere assumptions should be a case to worry about, i mean most of those things i mentioned can birth assumptions,

For instance
An insecure guy who happened to get a beautiful lady who he feels he doesn't deserve might start feeling insecure especially when it becomes obvious that guys are into his lady, any calls, standing close a guy, little change in composure, he starts feeling the insecurity which will give birth to doubts, then assumptions,

Instead of asking her, he wouldn't, he'll feel paranoid and try to play detective, now that's lack of communication, he becomes over possessive and protective, etc

you solve a problem by treating the root cause otherwise it becomes a reoccurring problem, so assumptions is the least of problems in a relationship

Hope i made sense

[/color]

mhisbliss:
thanks for the mention, relationships aren't really my thing because I've been through and the experience wasn't what i thought it'd be, but from my little experience I'd say assumptions is the least of problems in relationships this days, there's a lot of other things you should consider like lack of communication, doubt, differences, the way you see life, insecurity, over protective nature and possessiveness, in the face of all this i don't think mere assumptions should be a case to worry about, i mean most of those things i mentioned can birth assumptions,

For instance
An insecure guy who happened to get a beautiful lady who he feels he doesn't deserve might start feeling insecure especially when it becomes obvious that guys are into his lady, any calls, standing close a guy, little change in composure, he starts feeling the insecurity which will give birth to doubts, then assumptions,

Instead of asking her, he wouldn't, he'll feel paranoid and try to play detective, now that's lack of communication, he becomes over possessive and protective, etc

you solve a problem by treating the root cause otherwise it becomes a reoccurring problem, so assumptions is the least of problems in a relationship

Hope i made sense

kinglekan:


@TheCOB

Really mature comments and insights from you.

Thanks Boss

Glad to have you here

TheCOB:


Thanks Boss

Glad to have you here

You're welcome Ma'am & the pleasure is mine.

Are you a regular or you just joined NL recently and for this purpose?

kinglekan:


You're welcome Ma'am & the pleasure is mine.

Are you a regular or you just joined NL recently and for this purpose?

No not one of the regulars, hence why I'm having difficulties identifying those to tag.
I am on Nairaland basically for this purpose. I'd really appreciate all the support I can get. In the entire scheme of things, I might make some planning errors but We shall overcome

Eddodoh:
My assumptions have really kept me from seeing the bigger picture and positive side of relationship.

I have resort to loneliness without any serious relationship because I was unable to identify that special woman in my life.
Considering that I have kept several relationships in the past. I assumed that something was wrong with me not knowing that I lack clear goals and do not really know what I wanted out of the relationships.

Moreover, there's this lady we have something very strong for each other. She meant everything to me but religious difference has being our major problem despite her reassurance that she will convert. For more than 5 years I have no idea what I really wanted from my relationship with her.

I concluded that we are not good match and I always try not have anything to do with her.

At age 30 I have no relationship, not even a serious relationship as some will put it. I begin to wonder how someone who keep several dates suddenly have a dead love life with no woman in my life.

Thanks to COB. I have been made to understand that identifying your goals in every relationship is key. Knowing what makes us enter into an affair with the opposite sex in the beginning unlock the mystery and help us to keep a meaningful relationship.

I learnt to have relationship with person(s) I have affection for and communicate effectively to reach common goals and aspirations.

Thank God, I now have the bigger picture of what I want.

TheCOB:


No not one of the regulars, hence why I'm having difficulties identifying those to tag.
I am on Nairaland basically for this purpose. I'd really appreciate all the support I can get. In the entire scheme of things, I might make some planning errors but We shall overcome

kinglekan:



It is really good to have someone like you on here. I have learnt a thing or two from your posts and the way you clearly articulated your points is commendable. I must also say I agree with your line of thought and your notion on "assumptions" in relationships.

I would like to ask you a question tho with regards to your post on Toyin and Nkem. In such a relationship, my guess is Toyin's withdrawal at the end of the day was inevitable. But on a second thought, what do you think can salvage such a case? Do you think if Toyin had a good understanding of Nkem's personality that the relationship might have stood a chance? or perhaps she might get bored in the long-run even tho she is fully aware Nkem isn't much of a talker?

In other words, if we take out the negative assumptions, do this two stand a chance of making things workout?

What are your thoughts?

Yes the relationship would have had a better chance of survival of Toyin was able to understand that Nkem simply isn't much of a talker. It could have helped her 'comfort' herself at those times when she yearned for her man to just express himself. It would definitely have allayed her fears and doused our negative assumptions.

But would it really have meant that the relationship would survive? Well, I'd say Yes and No.

How happy would Toyin feel in such a relationship? I'd be willing to bet that she would at some point feel stifled. The reason being that while she would consciously try not to withdraw completely, it is only sane not to be overly excited discussing with someone whose reactions are rather too calm.

Subconsciously, whether she likes it or not, she will mellow down that excitement and because that excitement is part of what gives her the spark, she may find herself wondering many times "Can I REALLY do this forever?"

So now, there's a shift. She's no longer bothered about negative assumptions of whether he loves her or is cheating etc..... She would now be bothered with if she can cope with this alteration of her personality.

And you know, at that point when a woman has to consciously pause many times to think if she can truly cope with "THIS" forever, that relationship is threatened.

It would work only if they have already formed a strong bond and Nkem makes some adjustments. Of the two possibilities, I'd say if Toyin has to be happy in that relationship, Nkem has to step up his game.

Very soon, she would get bored! Who wants a boring relationship?

Against the odds, Toyin can choose to stay because she truly loves him. But is it really fair to her happiness?

TheCOB:


Yes the relationship would have had a better chance of survival of Toyin was able to understand that Nkem simply isn't much of a talker. It could have helped her 'comfort' herself at those times when she yearned for her man to just express himself. It would definitely have allayed her fears and doused our negative assumptions.

But would it really have meant that the relationship would survive? Well, I'd say Yes and No.

How happy would Toyin feel in such a relationship? I'd be willing to bet that she would at some point feel stifled. The reason being that while she would consciously try not to withdraw completely, it is only sane not to be overly excited discussing with someone whose reactions are rather too calm.

Subconsciously, whether she likes it or not, she will mellow down that excitement and because that excitement is part of what gives her the spark, she may find herself wondering many times "Can I REALLY do this forever?"

So now, there's a shift. She's no longer bothered about negative assumptions of whether he loves her or is cheating etc..... She would now be bothered with if she can cope with this alteration of her personality.

And you know, at that point when a woman has to consciously pause many times to think if she can truly cope with "THIS" forever, that relationship is threatened.

It would work only if they have already formed a strong bond and Nkem makes some adjustments. Of the two possibilities, I'd say if Toyin has to be happy in that relationship, Nkem has to step up his game.

Very soon, she would get bored! Who wants a boring relationship?

Against the odds, Toyin can choose to stay because she truly loves him. But is it really fair to her happiness?

Well said! I couldn't agree more with you.

But what if Nkem tries to step up his game but after a while he keeps reverting back to status-quo. For instance, Nkem and Toyin both attend same event, on getting back home, Nkem is done talking about the whole day with a friend in less than two minutes. Toyin on the other hand has a rare gift of storytelling, she goes on for hours telling her bestie all the tiny details that happened that day from different angles.

This trait is what makes Nkem so drawn to Toyin, however he cant reciprocate this even if he tries so hard to be more forthcoming. Being in a relationship with a lady with similar personality is obviously a No-No. Does this mean he isn't ready for a relationship and shouldn't bother getting into one?

kinglekan:


Being in a relationship with a lady with similar personality is obviously a No-No. Does this mean he isn't ready for a relationship and shouldn't bother getting into one?

TheCOB:


Welcome to The COB.

Thanks for stopping by.... Please share your thoughts and experiences too.

Sexytemi:



Hmmmm, okay....



But first what is COB

Thanks for asking

It's actually TheCOB - The Concept Of Bonding

The idea is borne out of my desire to increase the rate of successful relationships.
Many times, weak bonding or lack thereof account for needless assumptions and tears down relationships.

The idea is to help people ask those questions they would rather not hear, so they can make the right decisions for themselves and forge strong bonds. And because we don't just stop at one-side o the story, it makes it even more practical.

TheCOB believes in positive energy in the face of reality; so while we help you define your reality, we would also help you discern the possibilities and explore them.

Reality doesn't always offer us "Happy-Ever-After", but who says we can't get "Something-Like-It"?

PabloOmoEscobar:
Just passing

Please do take a pause to dine and wine with us

TheCOB:
Hello Jayson1.... You went AWOL

Jayson1:
Sorry about that. Told you about the issue with that stuff. Trying to rectify the problem.

Okay no problems #Waiting

TheCOB:


Okay no problems #Waiting

Jayson1:
Thank you so kindly.

Kaleydd2000:
Hello COB, am married but sometimes i feel like having fun with someone else. Do all men feel this way?

TheCOB:


Thanks for asking

It's actually TheCOB - The Concept Of Bonding

The idea is borne out of my desire to increase the rate of successful relationships.
Many times, weak bonding or lack thereof account for needless assumptions and tears down relationships.

The idea is to help people ask those questions they would rather not hear, so they can make the right decisions for themselves and forge strong bonds. And because we don't just stop at one-side o the story, it makes it even more practical.

TheCOB believes in positive energy in the face of reality; so while we help you define your reality, we would also help you discern the possibilities and explore them.

Reality doesn't always offer us "Happy-Ever-After", but who says we can't get "Something-Like-It"?

Sexytemi:



Hmmmm, really nice concept, wish I can help in sharing my experience of a wonderful relationship fairy tale but its really not so, all I have is tales that would make others run from relationship or even the word bonding.

Oh dear....

It is those realities that we actually need. Fairy tales happen only on Disney channel
In the real world, we have to face harsh realities, learn from them and get better on our next venture into loving.

Besides though, talking out is a healing process in itself and helps to keep the lessons afresh.

If you don't mind, please share with us along with the lessons you learnt and hope to apply in your next relationship.

Love is beautiful emotion, it's the humans that make it seem otherwise sometimes. So if it knocks you down, get back up, and try again

TheCOB:


Oh dear....

It is those realities that we actually need. Fairy tales happen only on Disney channel
In the real world, we have to face harsh realities, learn from them and get better on our next venture into loving.

Besides though, talking out is a healing process in itself and helps to keep the lessons afresh.

If you don't mind, please share with us along with the lessons you learnt and hope to apply in your next relationship.

Love is beautiful emotion, it's the humans that make it seem otherwise sometimes. So if it knocks you down, get back up, and try again

Sexytemi:




I'm in a relationship now and applying what happened in my past relationship to this one is really affecting it for I believe whatever he says is a lie and that no guy can ever be truthful because I really trusted my ex.

I was in a long distance relationship with my ex and so whenever anyone asks me if I trusted him not to cheat, I'd say yes and would even swear on his loyalty, so it was a real blow on my ego when it turned out he was nothing but a cheat and a liar.

TheCOB:


Thanks for sharing dear and I'm really sorry my response is coming late.

I went through your profile and you have an older post where you mentioned dating him for 5 years only for him to cheat.

If that is the case, I understand that it would indeed be a problem trusting men. However, come let's rub minds.

We'd start from the worst-case scenario....

Tell me Temi, what's the worst thing that can happen in this new relationship? What are your deepest fears?

P.S: Feel free to send a PM if you would rather talk privately