Hi nairalanders, I am currently in serious confusion because my wife as seen no reason for her to stay with my mum during weekdays so she can be able to manage with my mum in her Shop,.. I am a printing machine operator, and my work most times moves me from one state to another, though I decided to always take my family with me everywhere I go because my marriage is just five years old so as to bond well with my wife and kids. But I noticed my decision has caused too things, 1 my wife has not been able to do anything tangible (business) 2 my Son changes school almost every year, which is already affecting him in class... So considering this two things, I called my mum who has a small shop in Lagos which she used in raising me and my siblings till date, and she happily suggests that my wife come over with our kids, that she(my mum) will leave some of the things she sells in the shop for my wife, so she can be making some cash for herself, and what ever am sending for her as pocket money will be her savings..... But my wife has turned down the offer completely Simply because she can never leave with my mum, that it's not good for a married woman to leave with her mother in law...... Note! I have tried several times to ensure my wife at least learn a handwork infact, immediately she moved to Onithsha with my I payed over #20,000 in a saloon so that she can learn how to fix hair which she didn't complete due to series of complaints from her about the place, that's how I wasted the money, and its not the first time its happening like that......... So am just confused now.... I need matured nairalanders to pls come to my rescue... Thanks and God bless....

Sit her Down and talk things out with her, communication matters, I don't support her to stay with ur mother, cos dat might bring in problem. Secondly most people learn things the hard way, everyone is looking for a means to earn and support their families, she has to go back and learn the saloon . Or ask her wat else u want her to do, stop taking the risk of moving with ur family and take decision like a man.

If she doesn't want to stay with ur mum, pls don't push it, but try to convince her to do something tangible if she has to stay alone with the kids.

Be right back

mii4u:
If she doesn't want to stay with ur mum, pls don't push it, but try to convince her to do something tangible if she has to stay alone with the kids.

U are to forward, can't u wait for me to comment first? I 2 no.

In my opinion, she married you and not your mum , you should save and set up a business for her if you can. If she refuses to stay with your mum don't force her so that there is no resentment for you in her heart. Pray to find good jobs so that both of you will not rely on extended family for financial assistance

One!! it's obvious your wife doesn't know what she wants, You asked her to learn work why she nor learn am.
Two!! maybe she feels it's downgrading to go to your mum's place, take over the shop that everyone knows you mums owns
Three!! My brother we are all human... ain't saying your mum is the type ooo, buh some people, if dem nor use am abuse her now dem go talk am for future...

hrhobi1:



U are to forward, can't u wait for me to comment first? I 2 no.

, e pain u? Don't worry der will always be a next time.

I sincerely appreciat all ur contributions and will surely go through them again and work on them....... Thanks and keep them coming....

Your suggestion is terrible! Live with your mum for what exactly ? No woman with a functional head will accept this ridiculous offer of yours. Can you live and work in your father inlaw's shop comfortably? Ask your wife how she wants to earn and support her, don't shove your ideas down her throat.

Tell your mum that you have thought about it and you don't think that's the best for your family at the moment.

Why don't you rent a fixed residence in which you and your family lives. Go to work and come back to meet them at intervals, like weekends, fortnights or even monthly, as the case may be.


As per what to do to earn something, communicate with her, ask her what she will like to do to support the family. It's not easy for a person to be the sole provider in the present Nigeria. She should be able to do something.

It is well!

You should have discussed and resolved before mentioning it to your mum in the first place. I do not buy the idea of her staying with your mum, that's completely out of it.

Thanks Guys, I Appreciate

Op u want to bond with your family or trust issues?

Double post

Na by force to live with your mum? U didn't even deem it fit to discuss it with her. You just felt she is obligated to go and stay. Pls, if I were her too, I won't go except I feel good about it. If I get along extremely well with my mother Inlaw, I may CONSIDER it. But even at that, they say ,'fences make good neighbours'.
Being too close in the same house might spoil the relationship.

U can get a small apartment or self con for her to live with the children if its money you are trying to save. Its not bad. Many do it. Gone are those days that, a wife must go and live with in-laws. Abi no be Nigeria u dey travel around so? If u go abroad nko? I know families that have flats here with wife and kids while hubby hustles abroad.
I dont support permanent separate living arrangements sha for a couple. Its not ideal at all except it cannot be avoided.

Secondly, about her handiwork . Discuss with her what she would prefer to learn. If she can teach too, she can find a school next year.

@op. What was your wife doing for a living before you both got married?

EfemenaXY:
@op. What was your wife doing for a living before you both got married?

Doesn't seem like the wife is very mature or realistic. In this day and age she's giving excuses when the opportunity arises to learn a skill so she can work. OP needs to sit her down and have a realistic conversation with her. Times are hard so plan very wisely and spend wisely. If you can afford getting her a place make sure she is not idle when you are away. Find a place close to your mum so she can help in the shop. Trading aka buying and selling is also a skill that needs to be learned. So if you decide to open shop for her in future she will know what she is doing and not waste your money.

baby124:

Doesn't seem like the wife is very mature or realistic. In this day and age she's giving excuses when the opportunity arises to learn a skill so she can work. OP needs to sit her down and have a realistic conversation with her. Times are hard so plan very wisely and spend wisely. If you can afford getting her a place make sure she is not idle when you are away. Find a place close to your mum so she can help in the shop. Trading aka buying and selling is also a skill that needs to be learned. So if you decide to open shop for her in future she will know what she is doing and not waste your money.

I'd detest the very idea of someone opening a shop for me on the assumption it's what I want to do / must do. What if it isn't?

That aside, what I see with @op's suggestion that she camps with MIL while he's away, is free childcare - thereby giving her an opportunity to pursue her dreams, and companionship.

Yes, companionship. Contrary to popular views that living with MIL is all doom and gloom, it doesn't have to be that way. It all depends on how the dynamics of that relationship is handled. Besides, he admitted to having kid s, and with a marriage just five years old, his children must be very young (toddlers/babies). It's no mean feat looking after very young kids and running a business/studying/managing a career.

So mama is very much needed in the picture. For now.

EfemenaXY:


I'd detest the very idea of someone opening a shop for me on the assumption it's what I want to do / must do. What if it isn't?

That aside, what I see with @op's suggestion she camps with MIL while he's away is free childcare - thereby giving her an opportunity to pursue her dreams, and companionship.

Yes, companionship. Contrary to popular views that living with MIL is all doom and gloom, it doesn't have to be that way. It all depends on how the dynamics of that relationship is handled. Besides, he admitted to having kid s, and with a marriage just five years old, his children must be very young (toddlers/babies). It's no mean feat looking after very young kids and running a business/studying/managing a career.

So mama is very much needed in the picture. For now.

I agree. I honestly don't see the big deal in living with his mum for now. This young couple seems to need all the help they can get right now. The man does not seem to have a stable income too. People can live in peace if they are agreeable. But since she said she does not want to live with her MIL op should not force her.

About opening a shop, it's a normal thing for men to do for their wives in Nigeria. But such a venture will fail if she has not acquired the skill and learnt the secrets of the trade.

I believe while he is away, she must not be idle. Having her own trading business would give her the time and flexibility for her kids. For now she can learn the skill from his mother while living in their own home. Also mama is close enough that she can see her grandkids and help the couple with their kids when there is a need.

EfemenaXY:


I'd detest the very idea of someone opening a shop for me on the assumption it's what I want to do / must do. What if it isn't?

That aside, what I see with @op's suggestion that she camps with MIL while he's away, is free childcare - thereby giving her an opportunity to pursue her dreams, and companionship.

Yes, companionship. Contrary to popular views that living with MIL is all doom and gloom, it doesn't have to be that way. It all depends on how the dynamics of that relationship is handled. Besides, he admitted to having kid s, and with a marriage just five years old, his children must be very young (toddlers/babies). It's no mean feat looking after very young kids and running a business/studying/managing a career.

So mama is very much needed in the picture. For now.

Efe, for the first time, i disagree with you. 98% of women wouldn't want to stay with their mother-in-law. I for one will prefer to keep drinking garri in my own house than to move to my mother-in-laws' where I'd be eating chicken.

What the OP needs to do is to hava a talk with his wife and ask her what exactly she really wants. Trading/entrepreneurship is not meant for everyone. She may be better off getting a jo,b depending on her level of qualification. What OP really needs to be sure of is if the wife is ready to work or she is just the lazy type. If she's the lazy type, then that's a whole different issue.

Once again, I want to say a very big THANK U, to everyone on this thread, I decided to stay quite for a while, allow intellectuals to argue on this issue, and it's beginning to get interesting.... To answer some of the questions, My wife teaches in a private school with her Ssce result before we met, but after a while she started facing series of problems from her ogas mostly the men, to the extent that one idiot almost had canal thing with her forcefully, all in the name of giving her a job of #7000, monthly salary,... So I placed embargo on her going back to teach..... I will be back to answer more.... Thanks

Op your wife got issues..... Y does she end up having issues with her boss everywhere she works??

Gratefulaheart:


Efe, for the first time, i disagree with you. 98% of women wouldn't want to stay with their mother-in-law. I for one will prefer to keep drinking garri in my own house than to move to my mother-in-laws' where I'd be eating chicken.

In marriage especially where very young kids are involved, practicality should take precedence over sentimentality.

@op mentioned in his opening post that the very nature of his job is mobile and takes him from place to place. Initially he started off by taking his family with him to wherever employment might be based on sentimental feelings that his family should always be with him, together. Good intentions yes, but was it practical? No. Why? Because it was beginning to have a negative impact on the dynamics of his family - I.e. wifey couldn't settle down to do anything tangible that would add to the family's income AND the constant change of schools was starting to affect his son's performance.

This is a very young family and like most new unions, finance is a big issue. He already touched on how he's already spent quite a lot trying to help wifey set up a business in addition to the N20,000 he spent on her to learn hairdressing but to no avail. His family is struggling financially otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned this or the N20,000 spent. I mean this as no disrespect to @op, but seriously what is N20K? That's roughly £33 and shouldn't be that much of a big deal, but it is for them.

Re: The bolded part of your sentence, this isn't about you or rather, this isn't about just his wife. There are kids involved here now and yes, it's 100% better for them to live in a more comfortable family household eating chicken everyday rather than soaking garri out of misplaced pride. As a mother, your kids' comfort come first over everything else, at the expense of your own comfort.

And just to pick your brains: do you honestly think he'd suggest moving his family in with his mother if he could afford a separate accommodation for them? Who will pay the rent? Who'll pay for feeding including the soaked garri you mention? Who'll pay for all the other bills (utility, fuel, etc) to run that place? His non-working wife? Pls, let's get real when giving out advice on here. This isn't the Romance or Jokes Section.

What the OP needs to do is to hava a talk with his wife and ask her what exactly she really wants. Trading/entrepreneurship is not meant for everyone. She may be better off getting a jo,b depending on her level of qualification. What OP really needs to be sure of is if the wife is ready to work or she is just the lazy type. If she's the lazy type, then that's a whole different issue.

You say you disagree with my suggestions but the bolded bit of your sentences here alludes exactly with my advice. I stated very clearly that I personally would detest having a shop / business set up for me on the assumption it's what I want when that could be far from the truth - meaning this suggestion wouldn't work for everyone, hence my asking him what wifey did for a living before getting married, as per that may be more in line with what she might prefer to do. Abi?

Having said that, yes, I agree that he should have asked her what she wants to do / can comfortably do to add to the family's income. However, that doesn't negate the fact that mama still needs to be in the picture. Otherwise, who'll look after their very young kids while she (wifey) is out hustling?

ayobarmy:
Once again, I want to say a very big THANK U, to everyone on this thread, I decided to stay quite for a while, allow intellectuals to argue on this issue, and it's beginning to get interesting.... To answer some of the questions, My wife teaches in a private school with her Ssce result before we met, but after a while she started facing series of problems from her ogas mostly the men, to the extent that one idiot almost had canal thing with her forcefully, all in the name of giving her a job of #7000, monthly salary,... So I placed embargo on her going back to teach..... I will be back to answer more.... Thanks

So teaching is where your wife's skill is. Then in that case, you'd better lift that embargo of yours and both of you should look for schools run by female heads i.e. female principals or headmistresses. You can't assume just because she had issues with randy male bosses, she should give up teaching entirely.

In addition to that, she can offer her services from home as a private lesson teacher to nursery/ primary school pupils for a small fee. Spread the word around through family, friends, your church etc.

EfemenaXY:


In marriage especially where very young kids are involved, practicality should take precedence over sentimentality.

@op mentioned in his opening post that the very nature of his job is mobile and takes him from place to place. Initially he started off by taking his family with him to wherever employment might be based on sentimental feelings that his family should always be with him, together. Good intentions yes, but was it practical? No. Why? Because it was beginning to have a negative impact on the dynamics of his family - I.e. wifey couldn't settle down to do anything tangible that would add to the family's income AND the constant change of schools was starting to affect his son's performance.

This is a very young family and like most new unions, finance is a big issue. He already touched on how he's already spent quite a lot trying to help wifey set up a business in addition to the N20,000 he spent on her to learn hairdressing but to no avail. His family is struggling financially otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned this or the N20,000 spent. I mean this as no disrespect to @op, but seriously what is N20K? That's roughly £33 and shouldn't be that much of a big deal, but it is for them.

Re: The bolded part of your sentence, this isn't about you or rather, this isn't about just his wife. There are kids involved here now and yes, it's 100% better for them to live in a more comfortable family household eating chicken everyday rather than soaking garri out of misplaced pride. As a mother, your kids' comfort come first over everything else, at the expense of your own comfort.

And just to pick your brains: do you honestly think he'd suggest moving his family in with his mother if he could afford a separate accommodation for them? Who will pay the rent? Who'll pay for feeding including the soaked garri you mention? Who'll pay for all the other bills (utility, fuel, etc) to run that place? His non-working wife? Pls, let's get real when giving out advice on here. This isn't the Romance or Jokes Section.



You say you disagree with my suggestions but the bolded bit of your sentences here alludes exactly with my advice. I stated very clearly that I personally would detest having a shop / business set up for me on the assumption it's what I want when that could be far from the truth - meaning this suggestion wouldn't work for everyone, hence my asking him what wifey did for a living before getting married, as per that may be more in line with what she might prefer to do. Abi?

Having said that, yes, I agree that he should have asked her what she wants to do / can comfortably do to add to the family's income. However, that doesn't negate the fact that mama still needs to be in the picture. Otherwise, who'll look after their very young kids while she (wifey) is out hustling?

You call not wanting to stay with an inlaw for a prolonged period of time mksplaced pride? My dear, i call it self preservation. No matter how good the mother in law is, conflict is ubiquitous and human will always be human. She's better off staying with her own family than with an inlaw where issues might arise and her feelings or mother in laws' feelings will get hurt along the line. Some of these issues might dent their relationship to an irreparable extent. No wife wants to be in that place.

One thing I have noticed is that "ego" only dwells amongst the poor and the average.


I can assure you that Zahra Buhari would give up anything to live with the Ndimi family.



You can't force your woman to accept your choices... allow nature shape her.

Gratefulaheart:


You call not wanting to stay with an inlaw for a prolonged period of time mksplaced pride? My dear, i call it self preservation.

Self preservation of what? If you don't mind my asking?

No matter how good the mother in law is, conflict is ubiquitous and human will always be human.

Same way as conflict can and does exist in any relationship be it between spouses, siblings, parents, friends, work colleagues, etc. What matters the most is how conflict is handled and resolved. That's the true test of maturity.

She's better off staying with her own family than with an inlaw where issues might arise and her feelings or mother in laws' feelings will get hurt along the line.

Is she now? I mean better off staying with her family than her inlaw? On what grounds? Sentimental reasons no doubt.

I didn't read about her family coming forward and offering any help. What I read was his mother stepping up and offering to give his wife part of her stock to trade with FREE OF CHARGE, in addition to suggesting that whatever her son sends his wife, madam should keep aside as savings / pocket money.

Tell me something: how many people do know of out there (especially during this recession), who'll offer you free stock to trade with and keep the profits to yourself without asking for a Kobo in return?

Some of these issues might dent their relationship to an irreparable extent. No wife wants to be in that place.

With a mindset such as this, it's little wonder a lot of young married women create issues for themselves where there aren't.

You don't go into marriage expecting the worst from your inlaws! This is a woman who sees her son and his family struggling to make ends meet. She offers to take in wifey and kids into her home thereby providing a roof over their heads and stability. Stability which that family so badly needs and in the process has the added burden/ responsibility of feeding extra mouths and yet you see nothing good with her offer?

That poor woman is making huge sacrifices for the betterment of her son's family and her grandkids. This is what real motherhood is about and not some misplaced sense of entitlement.

Whether you care to admit it or not, mama has a heart of gold.

Acidosis:
One thing I have noticed is that "ego" only dwells amongst the poor and the average.


I can assure you that Zahra Buhari would give up anything to live with the Ndimi family.

Really

How sure are you Zahra would give up anything to live with her husbands family? That statement really caught my attention

Besides do you really want to compare a billionaire family house where almost everybody will be minding their own business and the inhabitants of the house may not even see them selves in days except if they want to or during meals or even during prayers with an average family that most likely has a different mindset/interpretation of the word "wife" , living in a flat where friction is almost impossible, and having someone indirectly monitor what you do, who visits you what you buy etc.

The circumstances are different.

As for the OP, If your wifey doesn't want to stay with your mum, save up and get a permanent place in a location where accomodation is cheap and let her complete her hairdressing apprentiship, extract a promise from her that she has to finish the course this time around or let her continue her teaching if she's qualified. You travel for your business and whenever you are back you stay with your family at your place.

Still answering questions' aunty Bose, I don't think my wife has any issue, rather she is paying the price of being beautiful, no man in his right since will see my beloved wife and not think again.. #fact...... @ Eve u are very on point by I am seriously strugling financially, because my salary is not up to 100k, do the maths against the family number and u will know why..... Thanks to u all once again