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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Letter To Responsible Men... (2734 Views)
Letter To Married African Men And Women By Temi Badmus / Nigerian Lady Celebrates Her Divorce, Calls Out Those Responsible For It / Dion Osagie Writes Open Letter To Wife, Winifred After Battering Her (2) (3) (4)
Letter To Responsible Men... by lawlahbammy(f): 3:30pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Got this from a male friend and decided to share it here. I am writing this to every responsible man out there planning to get married soon .. Please read 'N don't ignore. Marriages in Nigeria and most parts of Africa are sustained by women. You can argue this with your village deity. Women in general, put up with a lot of bullshit just to make their marriages work. From childhood they have been taught that a wise woman keeps her home. In order to keep their homes, they end up enduring a lot of ill-treatment. Find any woman who has been with a man for donkey years and ask her if she would love to marry that same man over again in her next life. Majority would say no. This brings us to the point that most marriages are endurance marriages not happy marriages. Unfortunately, we are told that marital success is about duration. A successful marriage isn't about duration but happiness. If two people spend five years together, happily and add immense value to each other; if they decide to break up without fighting about it, their marriage can be rated as successful. Spending eternity together in sorrow isn't the idea of success to me. It is what you do in the marriage that counts not how long. Scan through the length and breadth of Nigeria and see the things women endure. This is not to say that women are very innocent. Marriage in Nigeria is quite disadvantageous to the women folk. Except you are lucky to have a man who has a good head. Infidelity, entitlement mentality, domestic violence, third party interference, patriarchal orientation etc are some of the things women bear up. How many women are willing to walk out of their marriages when they are abused? They want to keep their homes and status. They want to raise their kids. They don't want to be seen as failures. The moment a marriage fails, everybody points at the woman. This in itself is psychologically abusive. I have seen women who were beaten by both husband and mother-in-law. The degree of humiliation they go through in the effort to keep their marriage is inestimable. Everything wrong with the marriage, is the woman's fault. Bad children are her fault. Failed business, failure to have kids, crappy sex, the man's infidelity, the man's arrogance towards his family members, his stinginess to people in general, his lack of spirituality, his night crawling attitude, his poor dressing, everything is her fault. After all these years of matrimonial slavery, women are beginning to set their priorities right. It is becoming clear to them that the quality of the marriage is what matters. They have come to agree that being single and happy is more important than being married and frustrated. But men won't let them be. The same men would abuse a woman for opting to stay single. Isn't this insane? You are not ready to treat somebody right, yet you won't let them be. You tell them how stupid it is for a woman to be single, but your mouth won't utter a word to tell men that they should treat women better. These things are worrisome to me. The women who are standing out and demanding for their rights as humans are being tagged with all sorts of names. We say all manner of things to dampen their spirits. We are citing them as the reasons behind the failure of marriages. What we have failed to see is that marriages weren't successful as we were told. It is just that the women were covering up our unclothedness just to make everybody feel that their marriages were perfect. The burden of covering up our masculine insanity has increased and they can no longer handle it. Recently, they have chosen to unmask the matrimonial institution and show the world what they have been hiding for ages. We are scared that our little secrets are being revealed. We aren't as powerful as people thought we are. We are just cowards hiding under patriarchal privileges. So the question is, how many men are willing to put up with a woman who would give them the same dose of madness they have been giving to women? Exchange the roles and let the men be at the receiving end. Men are walking out of their marriages for little things as who cooked food, she starved me of sex for a week, she slapped me, she was flirting with my boss, I met the house dirty. Very insignificant, compared to what women have been putting up with. I would like you to judge for yourself. Who are the people sustaining marriages? Apart from a few reasonable men, most men marry without a sense of marital purpose, which is why they destroy their marriages themselves and blame their wives. Now you can see that we can't even put up with marital challenges, yet we are always quick to say that women who walked out of abusive marriages were not willing to make their marriages work. If you are such a man, I wish you a very bad woman, and I hope you stick with her and make the marriage work. I want a good woman. I cannot come and suffer for the sins of other men. Bad women should go and marry bad men. Let the good marry the good. I didn't come this far to pay for the stupidity of other men. After abusing a woman I will now come to reap your madness from her. (3) ways to treat a woman.. 1. Love 2. Care 3. Affections.. Get these 3 ingredients into a woman's life n u will av the best of them. 7 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by newyorks(m): 3:33pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
the only law i wish our senate can pass is contract marriage.if they can make the law 9ja go beta,it irritates to live wid one punany for a whole lifetime. for me u can extend the contract if u still like her after the expiry of the initial contract or better still u go ur way look for another blood tonic. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 3:45pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Lalasticlala come and see better topic o. ![]() If you are a woman and you have refused to admit that you are on the receiving side of these sh1ts, going to centuries now, then you are a fool and you deserve a bad man! 2 Likes |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by krauss: 3:57pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
It's good you posted this but I think it is very necessary we look at some of these implied disparities in the society's gender inclinations to certain biases or sentiments with utmost caution. I wouldn't be upfront with an argument against this given my lack of statistical backup to some of the opinions projected. As we try to push for some eccentricity in certain gender biases, it is not objectionable to make room for some of the limitations of our perceived opinions as it has been shown that, in many moments the rash and emotional dimensions of our behavioral attributes are employed to make decisions that favor such poignant societal arguments, for which our rational and logical faculties have not been comprehensively and extensively exploited, there seems to be a concurrent overindulgence of the resultant backlash, which though mostly downplayed by the favored section of the society( be it gender or racial class), is very inimical and debilitating against the recipient of the subsequent preponderant bias. In that light, I would like to point you to this article, and would in all sincerity, ask you to peruse the page including the enlightening comments made by those who responded to it. http://freethoughtblogs.com/hetpat/2015/03/03/what-if-we-sentenced-male-offenders-to-the-same-standards-as-women/ |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Richy4(m): 4:11pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
A man cannot write this....I don't know but there are certain thing I read there that screamed female writer..I kinda have an amateur knowledge on how men portrays their write ups...But this one look strange that a man wrote this ...... |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Splinz(m): 4:11pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Stupedinluv: You think it's only women that are at the receiving end of the said shits? Have you flip the other side? |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by krauss: 4:12pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
It will also be very educative if we can exhaust the available machinery of relevant statistical tools and information in such argument, which though might not be all encompassing( in terms of the issues that should be subjected to the scientific inquest), should address integral issues that might serve as descriptors or effectors that underlie the very subject under scrutiny. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by AngelsAndStars(m): 4:28pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Stupedinluv:babe, why are you so bitter about men? what exactly do you want? cos almost all your posts you attack the male gender. tell me |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by krauss: 4:29pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
@ lawlahbammy, (on assumption), this sounds like a backlash and vitriolic tantrum against men which kinda projects marriage as a murky venture. Again, it seems the inspiration for this came from a long period on misguided application of personal ratiocination of events that you have witnessed either directly or vicariously. I would really implore you not to let the isolated(relative) moments of cruelty you witnessed prod you to cast such aspersions on the opposite gender. God be with you in your odyssey to find the so much vaunted 'man of your dreams' and provide you the happiness and marital bliss that forthwith follows it. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by AngelsAndStars(m): 4:34pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
stupid write up by the way, makes it seem as if men live like in heaven and women know only hell. Story of my life alone will paint something different. trash 2 Likes |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 4:34pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Splinz: Exactly Splinz. We are on it. ![]() Its no news today that more and more women are choosing "single and happy" to those chains (african degenerates called marriage) our mothers were held bound with. We re learning to "flip" our lives the way we want. 3 Likes |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 4:40pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
AngelsAndStars:I could have asked you this: "AngelsandStars why have you refused to address the original post. Is it because you are a man?" But i wouldnt. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by krauss: 4:41pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
AngelsAndStars: http://freethoughtblogs.com/hetpat/2015/03/03/what-if-we-sentenced-male-offenders-to-the-same-standards-as-women/ bro. look at this article and read it with keen interest, including the comment section that even has more info. and you will want to do worse than men have been accused of doing. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by AngelsAndStars(m): 4:43pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Stupedinluv:where do you reside? |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Splinz(m): 4:57pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Stupedinluv: Okay. Lets use your mom as an example here, since my own mother is not one of those 'married and unhappy' in what you called "African degenerate" (whatever that means. I'm not in the know that marriage is an African institution). So tell me. Did mom tells you she's married, chained and unhappy? Or is it something you've witnessed yourself ![]() |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 5:13pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Splinz:straws are not good for argumentssss Not that i believe you but lets say you are honest. Your mum, my mum how many do we have? You think the op is addressing insignificant numbers? 1 Like |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by xynerise: 5:19pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
We are doing our best ![]() |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by pocohantas(f): 5:30pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
It's our African upbringing. There are some elements of truth in the write up, though somehow exaggerated. You see a haphazard grown man and people say he needs a wife. A wife to tidy his haphazard nature... A grown struggling woman would also be told to marry. Men were also brought up thinking they have to keep on 'slaving' to provide, they dare not get tired or request for help. Some women are brought up thinking all they have to do is care for the home and kids, some men are brought up thinking all they have to do to earn respect in their homes is provide. That's why when a man is being ridiculed by his wife, people always think it's all about lack of money, whereas there are other factors that makes a man, a man. Same way a woman would be made to feel she is below par in home duties if her husband loses interest in her. It works both ways. Let's raise our children to be sensible, both male and female. No one should be overly dependent on the other, earn your money, contribute your quota,clean after yourself...if the home fails, you both fail. 7 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Splinz(m): 5:46pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Stupedinluv: Op's message is full of biases and utter dishonest claims. In fact, it is not worthy of a response. I don't know what you mean by "straws". I simply picked your comment based on a genuine desire to hear your own arguments, why you think women are the sole bearers of shits. Surprisingly, you went further to rubbished the institution of marriage, claiming "our mothers" are chained in marriage and unhappy, which is what you (a supposed campaigner for "single and happy" ) are trying to shake off. So in all honesty again, I dissociated my sweet mother ( ![]() 1 Like |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by kaboninc(m): 6:04pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
lawlahbammy: Thank you for this quote... However, just asking, what are the three ways to treat a man? |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 6:30pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Well just pray to God before u jump into marriage |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 6:57pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
pocohantas: |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 7:08pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
The problem with marriage is that people enter with the mind that it will be a fairy tale kinda marriage. No sadness, no challenges, no stress, no struggles, just bliss. They believe that they'll be able to call on the fairy-god mother to wave her magic wand and fix their spouses and then live happily ever after. Reality of marriage includes misunderstanding once a while or a lot, having kids, changing diapers, hospital runs at times, being too tired to give or have sex, being refused or denied sex, facing the reality of a no-make-up wife and facing the reality of a physically, mentally, socially and probably morally flawed spouse. So Well deal with. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by bukatyne(f): 7:16pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Interesting comments @myking95 The OP is quite insightful and paints the true picture in an average Nigerian home. The wife is expected to put up with so much bullshit that you are amazed why a typical Nigerian woman still wants to get married. However, the issue is not so simple. When these wives were girls, they chopped their youth (not necessarily indiscriminate sex) and friend zoned a lot of 'nice' guys. Infact, the average Nigerian guy is very eager to please and love his 'first love' and will do a lot of things for her. (Yes, they might be interested in s.ex as part of the package). I hear stories of guys cooking food for their gals (who interestingly don't appreciate) in their hostels etc. After these girls show them pepper, the guys 'harden' and metamorphosis changes him from a sweet guy to a typical 'Nigerian' husband. Unfortunately, these girls grow into Nigerian wives looking for the type of men they discarded in their youth. Add the fact that she has seen her father treat her mother so and they are well celebrated in their church/mosque for reaching 40th anniversary in marriage (nevermind the mother spent 30yrs chasing side & front chics, chopping beatings and fasting & praying), she has prepared her mind to chop bullshit (like a medal) and any providing man would do. Have you seen where they discuss their husbands' nonsense and they smile that they have finally reached the sainthood in marriage? I very much concor with the OP. Let the 'Nigerian' couple marry themselves. 2 Likes |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by montezz(f): 9:51pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Blames here and there....I have seen men suffer in their homes too but are not supposed to speak up because the society expects them to be the "man". It goes both ways. That's why I think marriage is overrated. To avoid stories that touch,stick to whatever makes you happy. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Mznaett: 10:33pm On Jan 26, 2017 |
Both gender quoting law and bible... Just for their selfish/personal interest... Haba! Where is the love? ![]() |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by TonyeBarcanista(m): 8:24am On Jan 27, 2017 |
This victim card is stale already... 2 Likes |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by lawlahbammy(f): 12:24am On Jan 28, 2017 |
Richy4: It was written by a man, i just noticed that he posted on his facebook page even. |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by lawlahbammy(f): 12:35am On Jan 28, 2017 |
krauss: I didn't write it, it was sent to me by the writer who happen to be a man. I shared it here because I feel he's saying the truth as what I see in many marriages in this part of the world is nothing short of this, although there are some very few exceptions. Again let me inform you that I don't in anyway allow my past relationships and what I've witnessed affect my perception about marriage because I came from a good home and I pray and look forward to having one too. Amen to your prayers. Thank you Krauss. BTW please try and use simple english when communicating on a public platform like this, this your big grammars eh, I had to use contextual meaning in reading your post. Or are you by any way related to Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon? lol ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by lawlahbammy(f): 12:38am On Jan 28, 2017 |
You said it all babe.... Kudos! pocohantas: |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by lawlahbammy(f): 12:42am On Jan 28, 2017 |
1. Respect 2. Food 3. Attention...... among other ways To me those are the 3 major ways to treat a man; kaboninc: 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Letter To Responsible Men... by Nobody: 11:58am On Jan 30, 2017 |
bukatyne:I very much agree to that part of them turning good guys into monsters. I won't say my own story cuz its past but honestly since that time, life is just about gaining achievements for self...women barely rack up emotions in me...even in dire straits, the whole ex-runs girl looking for love by forming wife material just irritates me...now cheating on a spouse doesn't seem so much like a big deal provided I can get away with my assets still intact. I'm turning into the typical Nigerian Husband and women are to blame ![]() |
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