My h and are are back together after many years apart. He got work in my area and has moved back. He treats me respectfully and kindly but I cannot understand why he treats our 10 year old son so roughly. You'd think after missing out on most of his growing up he'd want to play with him, build him up, praise him. But after less than a week here he only seems to be criticizing him, calling him a spoiled brat, coconut head, bully etc.
Our son is only 10, usually very behaved, and he can hardly feel comfortable sitting to eat at the table with his dad. He spills rice accidentally, and our son is quickly trying to pick it up, but his dad is yelling for this, for any noise of the fork on the dish etc. Our son tried to explain he didn't be clumsy on purpose, but his dad won't let him talk, sends him out the door in socks in the winter (snow) then he comes in and shoves him in his room. His dad keeps calling him a baby, telling him to drink warm milk etc.. He yells if our son takes 5 seconds too long to go get something.
At night he tells he he wishes his dad would go.
What can I do to help this situation?
My h doesn't take well to criticism especially about parenting, and says I should never interfere with how he wants to do it. I feel like my hands are tied. I want this all to work out. Please advise, am I worried over nothing? Over time I feel our son is going to resent his father, and being called names all the time will wear his confidence in himself down.

Well I guess he's trying to make him strong but there will be some form of resentment or him not comfortable around his father.

Is he his real father?

Yes he's his real father.

I just want to know how to talk about this with him without making him feel like I'm disrespecting him. Everything's so fresh yet, and we are learning how to live as a family again, but I want to catch this in the early stages if possible so permanent damage won't be done to our son.

pcguru1:
Well I guess he's trying to make him strong but there will be some form of resentment or him not comfortable around his father.

Make him strong by being so mean to a 10yrs old?.
Madam, you're his mother and also involved in the parenting, don't fold your arms and do nothing because he said so, have a heart to heart talk about his bad attitude towards your son and let him know the consequences of doing so in the future.

I feel there is a lot he has on his mind to say but finds it easy transferring his aggression towards the innocent child. It's called displacement.

Have a talk with him. Try to find out his concerns, worries or pain. You will be helping both father and son.

If the situation still feel same, I'll suggest he consult a clinical psychologist.

I think you should just put your feet down. You are his mother and there ares things you just won't accept.

You don't have to scream or be rude just a matter of fact discussion. Like I know you mean well but please never send my son out in the cold ever again never ......
He is a well behaved boy does well in school, I have never had any complains from anyone about him until you came. Please I beg you don't destroy the confidence and esteem I have built over the years.

He is our son let's discuss appropriate correction mechanism.

That's what I would do.....

nowwhat:
My h and are are back together after many years apart. He got work in my area and has moved back. He treats me respectfully and kindly but I cannot understand why he treats our 10 year old son so roughly. You'd think after missing out on most of his growing up he'd want to play with him, build him up, praise him. But after less than a week here he only seems to be criticizing him, calling him a spoiled brat, coconut head, bully etc.
Our son is only 10, usually very behaved, and he can hardly feel comfortable sitting to eat at the table with his dad. He spills rice accidentally, and our son is quickly trying to pick it up, but his dad is yelling for this, for any noise of the fork on the dish etc. Our son tried to explain he didn't be clumsy on purpose, but his dad won't let him talk, sends him out the door in socks in the winter (snow) then he comes in and shoves him in his room. His dad keeps calling him a baby, telling him to drink warm milk etc.. He yells if our son takes 5 seconds too long to go get something.
At night he tells he he wishes his dad would go.
What can I do to help this situation?
My h doesn't take well to criticism especially about parenting, and says I should never interfere with how he wants to do it. I feel like my hands are tied. I want this all to work out. Please advise, am I worried over nothing? Over time I feel our son is going to resent his father, and being called names all the time will wear his confidence in himself down.

It sounds like your son is being abused relentlessly right before your eyes and you don't know what to do? Are you seriously going to wait for your son or someone else to report to social services before your husband damages him permanently? Hurt people hurt people, you are messing up the child's outlook on life. If you've managed to raise him right without his Dad, are you going to watch him destroy what took you 10 years to build?

Your hands are not tied because you "want all this to work out." Your condition should be for things to work out without sacrificing your son's wellbeing in the process and you should be making that clear to your husband. If he cannot stop abusing his son and you have become complicit, it is only a matter of time until things fall apart.

Start by telling your husband enough is enough or you'll call social services.

All that making him go out in the snow wearing only socks? I wish you had neighbors who could report you both


*modified* I went through your past posts and I think you should have worked on yourself properly first before trying to re-establish the marital relationship. It seems like you are no more capable of protecting yourself againgst your husband's misbehavior than a 10 year old is. With no malice, I'd say you are a weak woman prone to be prey for an abusive man and frankly, I don't think you have what it takes to be in a healthy relationship with this man at this point in yours and your son's life.

You should seek a psychologist and get yourself straightened out first before you even contemplate setting up with this guy. Note that seeing a psychologist does not necessarily mean the verdict would be to go back to him. Sometimes, what you want is bad for you and you should know when to let go. If you get help and you can handle being a relationship with him without losing yourself. . . . . . all the best.

This is beyond just you, think of those 2 kids and make sure they don't suffer any more collateral damage because of your choices. I could say a few words about your husband's character but you already know who and what he is.

pcguru1:
Well I guess he's trying to make him strong but there will be some form of resentment or him not comfortable around his father.

He's trying to make a 10-year old child strong by abusing him? You've got to be kidding me.

nowwhat:
You'd think after missing out on most of his growing up he'd want to play with him, build him up, praise him. But after less than a week here he only seems to be criticizing him, calling him a spoiled brat, coconut head, bully etc.
Our son is only 10, usually very behaved, and he can hardly feel comfortable sitting to eat at the table with his dad. He spills rice accidentally, and our son is quickly trying to pick it up, but his dad is yelling for this, for any noise of the fork on the dish etc. Our son tried to explain he didn't be clumsy on purpose, but his dad won't let him talk, sends him out the door in socks in the winter (snow) then he comes in and shoves him in his room. His dad keeps calling him a baby, telling him to drink warm milk etc.. He yells if our son takes 5 seconds too long to go get something.
At night he tells he he wishes his dad would go.
.

Your husband calling your son names, criticizing and yelling at him for no reason, sending your son out to shovel snow in his socks and then shoving him in his room (wow!), etc, are all methods of abuse and the only person who's going to suffer the consequences is your son. He will, if he hasn't already, and will, for years to come. Your son's words that "he wishes his dad would go" means he's already being impacted negatively. Kids are sponges that soak in everything. So it's either you continue folding your arms, thinking you have no say in raising your child (the child you have been raising yourself for most of his life and who has been well-behaved) and watch this man completely destroy your child's self-worth and self-esteem OR you put your foot down and tell him to stop. If your husband has anger issues or other issues, then tell him to see a therapist, but him transferring his aggression onto your son and treating him badly is inexcusable. You didn't state why you separated, but just because you're back together now and you want your marriage with him to work doesn't mean you should do it at the expense of your son being abused.

Thankyou very much for your input. I am going to confront him when he comes home.
It's good to know I was not going crazy, thinking I was being over sensitive, not understanding Nigerian parenting styles, etc.
This is not what I had envisioned at all, and I will make it clear no more of this!

NotOfThis:

He's trying to make a 10-year old child strong by abusing him? You've got to be kidding me.

That's the best that comes to mind, my father and I weren't close like that because it was more of a fear and hate thing towards him. All the beat sha you might need to talk to him, deep resentment awaits him

nowwhat:
My h and are are back together after many years apart. He got work in my area and has moved back. He treats me respectfully and kindly but I cannot understand why he treats our 10 year old son so roughly. You'd think after missing out on most of his growing up he'd want to play with him, build him up, praise him. But after less than a week here he only seems to be criticizing him, calling him a spoiled brat, coconut head, bully etc.
Our son is only 10, usually very behaved, and he can hardly feel comfortable sitting to eat at the table with his dad. He spills rice accidentally, and our son is quickly trying to pick it up, but his dad is yelling for this, for any noise of the fork on the dish etc. Our son tried to explain he didn't be clumsy on purpose, but his dad won't let him talk, sends him out the door in socks in the winter (snow) then he comes in and shoves him in his room. His dad keeps calling him a baby, telling him to drink warm milk etc.. He yells if our son takes 5 seconds too long to go get something.
At night he tells he he wishes his dad would go.
What can I do to help this situation?
My h doesn't take well to criticism especially about parenting, and says I should never interfere with how he wants to do it. I feel like my hands are tied. I want this all to work out. Please advise, am I worried over nothing? Over time I feel our son is going to resent his father, and being called names all the time will wear his confidence in himself down.

Look, maybe no one has been up front with the truth about this. Let me tell you what you seem to ignore. The moment your marriage damaged was the day you cheated on your husband. No mincing of words, your husband is acting out of frustration. You had no and I mean no good reason to do what you did. His action(cheating) was also wrong but listen, that man isn't yours for now and you're probably not his. He will keep trying to make the best out of his life while you remain a tool for his satisfaction and ego. Your clime might treat such actions with levity due to the fact that its people seem to have evolved, but there is something we all cannot deny, emotions in this situation are rarely tamed. If you are still willing to work things out, you have to start addressing the main problem. This isn't a marriage of necessity anymore but a marriage of convenience. You messed it up from the beginning, you can fix it if you wish. Take the bull by the horn and you will be alright. Cheating is a very serious issue that can even affect the kids. Need not tell you much but I can tell you something personal about me. My mom always accused my dad of cheating when I was still little. Most of the time she always cried and this made me to resent( I'd rather use detest) my pop. Once she tried to leave and at the age of 7 I wrote her a letter not to go. She showed the letter to him and he said I couldn't have written it and that she was turning me against him. I still carry the scar of those actions today and yes he is my pop, but we're not close to anything like father and son and never have been since the day he read the letter. Every single action he took against me was judged as persecution by me.

nowwhat:
My h and are are back together after many years apart. He got work in my area and has moved back. He treats me respectfully and kindly but I cannot understand why he treats our 10 year old son so roughly. You'd think after missing out on most of his growing up he'd want to play with him, build him up, praise him. But after less than a week here he only seems to be criticizing him, calling him a spoiled brat, coconut head, bully etc.
Our son is only 10, usually very behaved, and he can hardly feel comfortable sitting to eat at the table with his dad. He spills rice accidentally, and our son is quickly trying to pick it up, but his dad is yelling for this, for any noise of the fork on the dish etc. Our son tried to explain he didn't be clumsy on purpose, but his dad won't let him talk, sends him out the door in socks in the winter (snow) then he comes in and shoves him in his room. His dad keeps calling him a baby, telling him to drink warm milk etc.. He yells if our son takes 5 seconds too long to go get something.
At night he tells he he wishes his dad would go.
What can I do to help this situation?
My h doesn't take well to criticism especially about parenting, and says I should never interfere with how he wants to do it. I feel like my hands are tied. I want this all to work out. Please advise, am I worried over nothing? Over time I feel our son is going to resent his father, and being called names all the time will wear his confidence in himself down.

When I read abuse, I laughed. Yes though I was a good child( at least by certain standards I might not fully express here)my own dad would use electric cables and so many things to whip me for trivial mistakes even as an 8 yr. old. Many times I had bruises on my body from the torture he put me through with those cables and belts. When you say abuse, I was terribly assaulted by him. But while growing up, I started to figure out possible reasons why it happened. As stupid as it sounds, you might find it difficult to find the nexus between infidelity and child abuse in marriage but that thing is very real. Needless say, that you the woman initiated the whole saga. The effect is going to be like 100 times what it would have been if he was the first to be found culpable. So what I am outrightly saying is( I rarely say this) go for a divorce if you don't want a marriage of convenience or take it upon yourself to do the extraordinary( very much possible if he can change) to attract love and trust to this union. I will repeat, you messed up in the beginning( you can fix it). I have been through your threads and can tell you that this is the problem with it. Even though today my pop tries to get close to me, I find it extremely hard to connect with him and might never. Take this from me, one of the things that elate children the most is to see there parents together. Yes and Yes this is the truth that even the kids might be shy telling you. Each of those days might parents yelled at each other, I experienced depression I couodn't handle. I am sure part of the reason I am battling with High Blood Pressure is because of this. Funny to believe, I became an emotional wreck because of that. You might find it easy to exonerate yourself from any wrongdoing in that child's life, I can tell you that there is a 100% possibility that revers psychology will take its toll on your relationship with him in the future. Let me ask you, does he understand at his age that you cheated on his pop? nah I guess, be careful as this might pop up in the future and who knows... Yes that boy's life is being messed up today by his dad, but where and how did it start. That boy needs a father that can treat his mom well and take him to games. His personality is being shaped today and only posterity can tell what will be when he becomes an adult. You can take the bull by the horn. He tells you that he wants his dad gone, that is true, but he will also cry when he is gone without telling you.

You've got a real problem on your hands.

You need to do everything to make your son grow to be a confident young man.
Otherwise, he may even end up being rebellious, and would cause you guys grief.
You have to keep talking to your husband on his parenting skills, and any form of abuse on your child including psychological should be resisted.
Children are at risk of abuse, and child abuse is real o.
There's nothing like being scared to protect your child. If you feel your husband is being abusive towards him, don't be complicit in it. Keep talking regardless of his reactions, and why would anyone send a child out in the cold?

If you sound like someone who is overly emotional and you are desperately trying so hard to hang unto what is not.What is the purpose of clinging unto someone who doesnt love the people around you?Your parents,now your son.I hope you will find the courage to do the right thing someday before it gets too late.

so my cheating on him one time 10 years ago makes him treat his son like this?
It's my fault? Then he should be treating me poorly not his son.

What type of discipline do you give the child.

Life isnt all bread and butter, He is 10 will soon hit teenage years he needs to start learning some tough lessons about life

He doesn't need much discipline, time out to his room, toy taken away etc. I do not let him get away with rudeness, meanness to his brother etc.
He's generally very active and happy.

I get along very well with my husbands elder sister. We talk about anything and she knows he's difficult to live with. Is it in place to tell her about this, I feel she's the only one who can understand and he will usually listen to what she says.
I don't want to seem whiny to her but I need to talk to someone who knows about him

You cannot give what u do not have ! Ur hubby has no good home training

darlenese:
You cannot give what u do not have ! Ur hubby has no good home training

exactly