Growing up has always been hard for my brothers and I. It's gotten really bad this last few years as the one place meant to be a source of solace has become nothing more than a toxic enclave of emotional and psychological abuse. I'm in my early 20s now but I'm still finding it difficult to completely rid myself of the pain caused me by my parents.
My family is a middle class Christian family and to outsiders, all seems perfect..but my brothers and I have endured years of mental torture by my father with the unflinching support of my sadistic mum. My dad is so OBSESSED with keeping up appearances that he tries to control everything in our lives from dressing to music to even random stuff like wearing bracelets just to look good to other family friends. He also goes out of his way to embarrass us when visitors are around.I feel so trapped. All we hear EVERYDAY is how useless and stupid we are. The home is just suffocating. I still have scars of physical injuries I sustained as a teenager. I've even sometimes felt like harming them both for stealing my childhood from me. It's funny how the so-called "Christian homes " are nothing but zones of child abuse. I used to think all my experiences were normal until I started doing some research into the concept of toxic parents and spending time with friends from similar backgrounds. Now, I just want to get as far from them as possible. How can one live in a house where everything is a crime? I'm 22 now but I have the freedoms of an 8yr old. Now I'm an accidental introvert due to years of just feeling sad over stupid things. I just hope I won't do something rash soon. Anyone who can relate should please give me tips on how I can cope. I WILL survive.
Cheers.

Just pray bro... And you need to hustle... You're in an environment that will not allow you grow.

In this case, take the bull by the horn. Look for a hustle, start with being able to feed yourself, once you can achieve that, find a friend to squat with.

Getting some peace and sanity is the first step to a better future.

Once you attain that little Independence, you can then be a man of yourself.

RoyalBlak007:
When you stop "collecting" from them.....

.when you start making money _- all this will.stop.

I disagree with that theory. Overbearing parents will NEVER allow their kids be independent no matter how old they become. The op should just work on his own hustle. I experienced far worse as a child. To new parents, show your kids love and understanding. Some parents are sent straight from hell. Trust me, I know. Lalasticlala, pls spread the gospel.

i can relate.......leave that house and become independent '- it may not be easy within the first few years. but the earlier u recover ur sanity the better for u else u'll become an emotional wreck before u know it.

Thank God for ur life op. Since u r twenty two I believe u r almost thru with ur studies. And when u r thru pray u get a gud job and u will be free of their bondages God willing

You should be in a higher institution now

I understand how you feel....all you've to do is endure until you are out of the house.

Please do not do anything rash. Don't even nurse the thought, nurse it and you may just do it someday. As long as your parents foot the bills, there's nothing much you can do than endure. When you start making money, you can rent an apartment. Or get a job in another city. I know they'll try to fight it but you can't always stay at home. You'll leave it someday. For now look for distractions in other hobbies. Read a book, learn to code, anything that keeps you busy when at home. As much as you can, leave peacefuuly with your folks and avoid confrontations.

Please try not to hate them too, in their hearts, they probably believe what they're doing is for your own good.

You will survive.

You didn't give us actual examples.

What form of freedom do you seek in your parents' home?

Freedom to watch x-rated movies, drink alcohol, smoke? do braids? piercing? tattoo? girlfriends? sleep outside the home? late nights? club? invite friends over to the house to party? earring? skip fellowships?

Seriously, I don't know your definition of freedom...but while growing up, my parents never allowed any of the above. In short, we (the children) didn't make any attempt to do the above, I was totally cool with the rules, so search your heart, do you think your parents want the best for you?


The family you hail from should reflect in the lifestyle you portray to the outside world. There is nothing wrong in protecting one's name. Look at Zahra Buhari, Halima Dangote, Adeboye's sons, Oyedepo's sons, Mike Bamiloye's children, Prof. Osinbajo's daughters, I can't name them all, but I'm sure you know how they all comport themselves in the real world, even on the social media. Why don't we ever hear about the abortion these folks commit, why don't we ever hear about how Adeboye's son impregnated three girls? What you're passing through is simply a phase everyone from a responsible nuclear family pass through. Make no mistake by assuming freedom from birth will make you a better person.

Compare the above families with Kemi Olunloyo... No matter how much you want to define the kind of freedom she now possess, whoever is coming into the family would think twice cos that name has brought more shame than good.

I'm not in anyway justifying the harsh measures from your parents. However, as far as they remain parents over you, nature and the law give them the rights to mentor, train, teach and guide, without breaking any of the state laws.

I don't think the situation is as bad as you've painted, at least for someone from the middle class family. Usually, harsh treatments and brutality are prevalent among the poor.

Two masters cannot lead the family... be calm and gentle and try to understand your parents' weak points (no. 1 key is obedience). Do what they want twice, and have your way once...

As soon as you begin to live like a bachelor, you'd understand there's really no FREEDOM out there. The first barrier you'd encounter would be your landlord/agent, and then your boss/organization.

Katyusha:
I disagree with that theory. Overbearing parents will NEVER allow their kids be independent no matter how old they become. The op should just work on his own hustle. I experienced far worse as a child. To new parents, show your kids love and understanding. Some parents are sent straight from hell. Trust me, I know. Lalasticlala, pls spread the gospel.

absolutely,

we africans seem to worship our parents like they are always right.

parents are human beings , there are good ones and bad ones,

most african parents are child abusers .

Acidosis:
You didn't give us actual examples.

What form of freedom do you seek in your parents' home?

Freedom to watch x-rated movies, drink alcohol, smoke? do braids? piercing? tattoo? girlfriends? sleep outside the home? late nights? club? invite friends over to the house to party? earring? skip fellowships?

Seriously, I don't know your definition of freedom...but while growing up, my parents never allowed any of the above. In short, we (the children) didn't make any attempt to do the above, I was totally cool with the rules, so search your heart, do you think your parents want the best for you?


The family you hail from should reflect in the lifestyle you portray to the outside world. There is nothing wrong in protecting one's name. Look at Zahra Buhari, Halima Dangote, Adeboye's sons, Oyedepo's sons, Mike Bamiloye's children, Prof. Osinbajo's daughters, I can't name them all, but I'm sure you know how they all comport themselves in the real world, even on the social media. Why don't we ever hear about the abortion these folks commit, why don't we ever hear about how Adeboye's son impregnated three girls? What you're passing through is simply a phase everyone from a responsible nuclear family pass through. Make no mistake by assuming freedom from birth will make you a better person.

Compare the above families with Kemi Olunloyo... No matter how much you want to define the kind of freedom she now possess, whoever is coming into the family would think twice cos that name has brought more shame than good.

I'm not in anyway justifying the harsh measures from your parents. However, as far as they remain parents over you, nature and the law give them the rights to mentor, train, teach and guide, without breaking any of the state laws.

I don't think the situation is as bad as you've painted, at least for someone from the middle class family. Usually, harsh treatments and brutality are prevalent among the poor.

Two masters cannot lead the family... be calm and gentle and try to understand your parents' weak points (no. 1 key is obedience). Do what they want twice, and have your way once...

As soon as you begin to live like a bachelor, you'd understand there's really no FREEDOM out there. The first barrier you'd encounter would be your landlord/agent, and then your boss/organization.

Well said!

Acidosis:
You didn't give us actual examples.

What form of freedom do you seek in your parents' home?

Freedom to watch x-rated movies, drink alcohol, smoke? do braids? piercing? tattoo? girlfriends? sleep outside the home? late nights? club? invite friends over to the house to party? earring? skip fellowships?

Seriously, I don't know your definition of freedom...but while growing up, my parents never allowed any of the above. In short, we (the children) didn't make any attempt to do the above, I was totally cool with the rules, so search your heart, do you think your parents want the best for you?


The family you hail from should reflect in the lifestyle you portray to the outside world. There is nothing wrong in protecting one's name. Look at Zahra Buhari, Halima Dangote, Adeboye's sons, Oyedepo's sons, Mike Bamiloye's children, Prof. Osinbajo's daughters, I can't name them all, but I'm sure you know how they all comport themselves in the real world, even on the social media. Why don't we ever hear about the abortion these folks commit, why don't we ever hear about how Adeboye's son impregnated three girls? What you're passing through is simply a phase everyone from a responsible nuclear family pass through. Make no mistake by assuming freedom from birth will make you a better person.

Compare the above families with Kemi Olunloyo... No matter how much you want to define the kind of freedom she now possess, whoever is coming into the family would think twice cos that name has brought more shame than good.

I'm not in anyway justifying the harsh measures from your parents. However, as far as they remain parents over you, nature and the law give them the rights to mentor, train, teach and guide, without breaking any of the state laws.

I don't think the situation is as bad as you've painted, at least for someone from the middle class family. Usually, harsh treatments and brutality are prevalent among the poor.

Two masters cannot lead the family... be calm and gentle and try to understand your parents' weak points (no. 1 key is obedience). Do what they want twice, and have your way once...

As soon as you begin to live like a bachelor, you'd understand there's really no FREEDOM out there. The first barrier you'd encounter would be your landlord/agent, and then your boss/organization.

Guy no need painting this, I experienced bad things too but probably not as bad as that. Until we accept that this nonsense is happening in homes, things will never change. I have a friend whose dad was just terrible then. He even sent the very young sister out of the house for coming back by 7:00pm from church( I am 100% sure she was from the church) because she returned late. A church very close to their house. People can really be very abusive and like he says toxic. That environment isn't good even to people's confidence. Until I confronted my father with these things, he didn't change. Look at it properly, its either his father's background or frustrations that is causing all these. These are his personal issues which he shouldn't unleash on his kids.

Churches should also preach against these things. I am always impressed with pastors who take their time to talk to people about these things. Kids are very special and delicate gifts who should be handled with great caution. Why use cuss words on your kids? Why tell them how stupid they are? Perhaps, people are not taking these things seriously and for sure, it is not restricted to Africa. Naturally, those parents are even abusive to themselves. I know of friends who are like that( abusive) to their kids and even to themselves. WORDS CAN HURT AND IT SEEMS WE NEGLECT THEIR IMPACT ON PEOPLE. ABUSE MUST NOT BE PHYSICAL BEFORE IT CAN BE SAID TO KILL. PEOPLE HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY WERE TOLD.

krauss:
Guy no need painting this, I experienced bad things too but probably not as bad as that. Until we accept that this nonsense is happening in homes, things will never change. I have a friend whose dad was just terrible then. He even sent the very young sister out of the house for coming back by 7:00pm from church( I am 100% sure she was from the church) because she returned late. A church very close to their house. People can really be very abusive and like he says toxic. That environment isn't good even to people's confidence. Until I confronted my father with these things, he didn't change. Look at it properly, its either his father's background or frustrations that is causing all these. These are his personal issues which he shouldn't unleash on his kids.

I get the points and that's why I asked OP to state the actual issues.

7pm might seem early enough to you, but it takes understanding to make the dad see things from her own viewpoint.

I currently live alone, and I dare not arrive home at 11:30pm... In fact, I'm not permitted to leave my generator on at 11:30pm because the community (CDA) said so... This is happening after I had paid rent and dues. That seems too harsh for me, especially given the fact that I work at night.

What can I do to get out of this "mess", absolutely nothing, than wait till my rent expires, and decide whether to stay back and enjoy the security that comes with the rules, or move on to a 'lawless' community with total freedom.

OP as it stands has choices: obey his parents and learn to understand their way of life (culture); or endure till he's able to secure his 'freedom' out of the home.

krauss:
Guy no need painting this, I experienced bad things too but probably not as bad as that. Until we accept that this nonsense is happening in homes, things will never change. I have a friend whose dad was just terrible then. He even sent the very young sister out of the house for coming back by 7:00pm from church( I am 100% sure she was from the church) because she returned late. A church very close to their house. People can really be very abusive and like he says toxic. That environment isn't good even to people's confidence. Until I confronted my father with these things, he didn't change. Look at it properly, its either his father's background or frustrations that is causing all these. These are his personal issues which he shouldn't unleash on his kids.

This is very true. Sometimes during my nysc in a school, I noticed i got more angry with the students when I have personal frustrations and issues and I then realised what makes parents vent anger unnecessarily on their kids. It made me understand emotions better.

But Afrohippie, you have to look at it from a much bigger viewpoint. Your dad pays the bills, hence his rules. Its a natural law of life. No matter what, you can't do anything about it. You simply have two choices, although with consequences. You can keep bearing since its his house, his rules or you can leave for the streets to work your ass out for your freedom. I ll advise you stay, work hars on your dreams, try develop a responsible and independent lifestyle as little as you can. And create a junkbox in your brain, where you try to pass all frustrations to and ignore... Trust me, that last part is very important.

My dear, calm down. Look for money, start a little business of your own. Even if it doesn't start paying immediately, it will give you a sense of independence. Drift a little from them, keep to yourself. Don't stress to go out or do anything rash. Don't attempt suicide, you probably won't succeed and it won't scare them as much as you think. Be patient. It won't go on forever. Until the hand of a child is strong enough to handle a machete, he should not ask who killed his father. Patience and hard work is everything.

Acidosis:


I get the points and that's why I asked OP to state the actual issues.

7pm might seem early enough to you, but it takes understanding to make the dad see things from her own viewpoint.

I currently live alone, and I dare not arrive home at 11:30pm... In fact, I'm not permitted to leave my generator on at 11:30pm because the community (CDA) said so... This is happening after I had paid rent and dues. That seems too harsh for me, especially given the fact that I work at night.

What can I do to get out of this "mess", absolutely nothing, than wait till my rent expires, and decide whether to stay back and enjoy the security that comes with the rules, or move on to a 'lawless' community with total freedom.

OP as it stands has choices: obey his parents and learn to understand their way of life (culture); or endure till he's able to secure his 'freedom' out of the home.

That's not the issue. Yes, rules must be obeyed but what sort of punishment one gets for their sins should also be looked at. Look at it again, what makes sense in sending a 17 year old girl out in the night?

Acidosis:


I get the points and that's why I asked OP to state the actual issues.

7pm might seem early enough to you, but it takes understanding to make the dad see things from her own viewpoint.

I currently live alone, and I dare not arrive home at 11:30pm... In fact, I'm not permitted to leave my generator on at 11:30pm because the community (CDA) said so... This is happening after I had paid rent and dues. That seems too harsh for me, especially given the fact that I work at night.

What can I do to get out of this "mess", absolutely nothing, than wait till my rent expires, and decide whether to stay back and enjoy the security that comes with the rules, or move on to a 'lawless' community with total freedom.

OP as it stands has choices: obey his parents and learn to understand their way of life (culture); or endure till he's able to secure his 'freedom' out of the home.

I've not said he should leave his house if he doesn't have the capacity to do so now. All I am saying is, we are supposed to learn to do the right things and that this is a problem in the society. The society tends to ignore it and it is wrong. Yes, I will go with your idea of being patient and working towards branching out, it will help. But let us not pretend it is right for anybody to behave that badly. That's the impression I get form your first comment. Family can also teach one the very wrong thing and can even destroy you when the parents in question do not use the right tools to groom their kids.

Most African parents (especially Nigeria) are like that.

I know you shall have a reason to thank them in the future....

Welcome to Africa, where warped cultural values have turned families into breeding ground for emotionally unstable adults. If our glorified "cultural values" are so effective, then why is Nigeria so messed up in all ramifications? There is a doctor in my church whose kids have all sorts of scars on their bodies as a result of several beatings from the dad. This monster flogs his kids with rubber hose...yet, nobody in the so-called "house of God" has ever challenged the man. Going by international standards, I'll say that almost ALL Nigerian kids are suffering from some form of abuse. In the South-West, physical abuse is condoned and even encouraged. If you don't want kids, why have them and then subject them to torture? Yorubas are major culprits in this regard. Yet they say it's love... I had a classmate while in Secondary school, whose dad used to flog her naked. Her self-esteem was so low that despite being so pretty, she was always looking dirty and rough. This tradition has to stop! It is only in Nigeria that being friends with ones kids is considered a sign of weakness.

dayleke:
I know you shall have a reason to thank them in the future....

That is the problem...parents are never held to account, because kids who later become successful, will wrongly attribute their eventual success, to years of physical abuse. All the beatings and insults are categorized as "love"...Now you know why some women stay in abusive relationships...they have been wired to associate abuse with love. Some girls even tell their boyfriends or husbands to beat them up. Can you imagine? Lalasticlala, pls FP.

If you want to get away from them, write jamb, apply for a university very far from your home, then live in hostel. You get to come back during holidays which you can decide to stay for only 2weeks or better still you get married. They won't be able to control you from your husbands house.

You don't have your own money yet so you can't handle your toxic parent for now. They can't take away privileges because you don't have any yet. You don't have personal freedoms to be taken away for now too.

Is challenging authority a bad thing? Yes and No. It can be a bad thing or good thing, but that totally depends on the situation.

Challenging authority is not a bad thing when you have your own money. By then, the useless and stupid hurtful words will stop. That's how it is for some Nigerian parents plain and simple.

celeron40:
That is the problem...parents are never held to account, because kids who later become successful, will wrongly attribute their eventual success, to years of physical abuse. All the beatings and insults are categorized as "love"...Now you know why some women stay in abusive relationships...they have been wired to associate abuse with love. Some girls even tell their boyfriends or husbands to beat them up. Can you imagine? Lalasticlala, pls FP.

This

I understand you OP.

Brb.

celeron40:
Welcome to Africa, where warped cultural values have turned families into breeding ground for emotionally unstable adults. If our glorified "cultural values" are so effective, then why is Nigeria so messed up in all ramifications? There is a doctor in my church whose kids have all sorts of scars on their bodies as a result of several beatings from the dad. This monster flogs his kids with rubber hose...yet, nobody in the so-called "house of God" has ever challenged the man. Going by international standards, I'll say that almost ALL Nigerian kids are suffering from some form of abuse. In the South-West, physical abuse is condoned and even encouraged. If you don't want kids, why have them and then subject them to torture? Yorubas are major culprits in this regard. Yet they say it's love... I had a classmate while in Secondary school, whose dad used to flog her naked. Her self-esteem was so low that despite being so pretty, she was always looking dirty and rough. This tradition has to stop! It is only in Nigeria that being friends with ones kids is considered a sign of weakness.

I must hand it to you. Your comment is really very comprehensive. I will also like to say that this is not just isolated to the yorubas. It happens even in my own culture(igbo). I had a neighbour who once used a cutlass to flog the child and even cut him to the extent his blood vessel became visible on the skin.

I have given this a lot of thought. I wonder sometimes if Nigerian kids are not the least confident of all children in the world because of this. I am sure this must have a very huge impact on kids. The family is always the bedrock of confidence for any child. Any thing negative from the family can be very dangerous to them. I wish someone can create a thread or start a conversation that can allow people talk about the impact of these things on children and even adults.

WHAT IS FREEDOM

CAN ANYONE BE FREE ON PLANET EARTH

NOTHING IS FREE, EVEN LIFE ITSELF IS NOT FREE!

FREEDOM ITSELF IS NOT FREE AS YOU NEED TO WORK FOR IT

MOST PEOPLE BE TALKING ABOUT AFRICAN VALUES AND ALL THAT, PLEASE DO YOU THINK THE WESTERNERS WOULD EVER LEAVE THIER VALUES FOR OURS, MEANWHILE THE WESTERN VALUES CAN NEVER WORK 70% IN AFRICA BECOS THIER MODE OPERNDI IS SO DIFFERENT FROM THE WAY WE OPERATE.

NO NIGERIAN YOUTH SHOULD GO COMPARING YOURSELF WITH THE WEST, COS WHAT WORKS FOR THEM DOESNT WORK FOR U..eg.. u want freedom from ur parents yet u cant afford to even feed urslf aside thier help, while the whites @ 18 have a structure in place where the govt starts catering for ur daily needs and provision thus they can survive at such age.

OP BETTER AVOID BAD GANG AND WAIT TILL ITS TIME FOR YOU TO CATER FOR YOURSELF OR BETTER STILL LEAVE THAT HOME THAT HAS BECOME UNBEARABLE FOR YOU AND GO FEND FOR YOURSELF......

chiddyok:
My dear, calm down. Look for money, start a little business of your own. Even if it doesn't start paying immediately, it will give you a sense of independence. Drift a little from them, keep to yourself. Don't stress to go out or do anything rash. Don't attempt suicide, you probably won't succeed and it won't scare them as much as you think. Be patient. It won't go on forever. Until the hand of a child is strong enough to handle a machete, he should not ask who killed his father. Patience and hard work is everything.

Hmm. Bi owo eni ti t'eku da, kii beere iku to kpa baba e. My favorite. By the way, are you yoruba?

Acidosis:
You didn't give us actual examples.

What form of freedom do you seek in your parents' home?

Freedom to watch x-rated movies, drink alcohol, smoke? do braids? piercing? tattoo? girlfriends? sleep outside the home? late nights? club? invite friends over to the house to party? earring? skip fellowships?

Seriously, I don't know your definition of freedom...but while growing up, my parents never allowed any of the above. In short, we (the children) didn't make any attempt to do the above, I was totally cool with the rules, so search your heart, do you think your parents want the best for you?


The family you hail from should reflect in the lifestyle you portray to the outside world. There is nothing wrong in protecting one's name. Look at Zahra Buhari, Halima Dangote, Adeboye's sons, Oyedepo's sons, Mike Bamiloye's children, Prof. Osinbajo's daughters, I can't name them all, but I'm sure you know how they all comport themselves in the real world, even on the social media. Why don't we ever hear about the abortion these folks commit, why don't we ever hear about how Adeboye's son impregnated three girls? What you're passing through is simply a phase everyone from a responsible nuclear family pass through. Make no mistake by assuming freedom from birth will make you a better person.

Compare the above families with Kemi Olunloyo... No matter how much you want to define the kind of freedom she now possess, whoever is coming into the family would think twice cos that name has brought more shame than good.

I'm not in anyway justifying the harsh measures from your parents. However, as far as they remain parents over you, nature and the law give them the rights to mentor, train, teach and guide, without breaking any of the state laws.

I don't think the situation is as bad as you've painted, at least for someone from the middle class family. Usually, harsh treatments and brutality are prevalent among the poor.

Two masters cannot lead the family... be calm and gentle and try to understand your parents' weak points (no. 1 key is obedience). Do what they want twice, and have your way once...

As soon as you begin to live like a bachelor, you'd understand there's really no FREEDOM out there. The first barrier you'd encounter would be your landlord/agent, and then your boss/organization.

With this kinda post..i have nothing else to add..you completely nailed it