Salam Aleiykun, I have a burden i wish to share, and I do hope I get honest reply to my story.
I met this pretty sister about 7 years ago and we hit it off immediately, she was still in school when we started dating, I must clarify somethings at this juncture, First is that we are what some people would call nominal Muslims, even though I had my Quranic graduation when I was 15, but my fiancee to be is not as Islamically grounded as I am, it was me who introduced the use of hijab and scarf to her.
My purpose of writing this epistle is regarding our marriage rites. I proposed to her early 2016 with the plans of having our Nikkahi late 2016, unfortunately it was not to be, because I had some Business deals which went sour and so I had some discussion with my fiancee to let us have a low-key celebration. She did not agree to this and her reasons was that she was the first child and only girl in her family which means she has to be celebrated.
This was the beginning of so many issues to come, because of this we had to postpone to early 2017, now I have gone to her parents to explain my predicament but it's like they share the same sentiments as their daughter, seeing this I went back to my fiancee pleading with her to see reason with me, but she would not bulge, so I told her that she and her parents can have their way but I would never go with her to the registry which I had earlier agreed too ( but changed my mind when I saw how stubborn she could be, N.B for the over 5 years we dated I never saw this side of her ).
Now she has come around telling me she has agreed to not doing an elaborate ceremony but we must do the registry, and have told her a capital NO.
My question now is do I need to let her parents in on my decision because we have done a little intro so the whole of her family basically know me or should I just call their bluff tell my fiancee to obey my instructions or we just forget about the whole thing.
I really do love the girl but I guess sometimes some things are not just meant to be.Jazakumulahi Kairun as I await your responses.

I think she is just feeling insecured but from my own little knowledge I don't think Islam support registry......the best I can say is try making her see things from your view

P.S I don't think she is spiritual because a muminat should be able to understand the reasons why you don't want these things even before you said no.

my opinion tho

OLAJADON:
I think she is just feeling insecured but from my own little knowledge I don't think Islam support registry......the best I can say is try making her see things from your view

P.S I don't think she is spiritual because a muminat should be able to understand the reasons why you don't want these things even before you said no.

my opinion tho

Thanks for the reply, I have tried to make her see reason but she is just being tricky, saying she loves me and would want us to make it work without shifting grounds on the issue of registry and yes I agree she is spiritually not there yet.

if what is meant by "registry" is documenting the marriage and recording it, then this is something that is required, so as to protect people’s rights and prevent tampering with marriage. but if registry means, you'll be given some laws contrary to the shareeah like you can't divorce if need be and so on then she should "park well"

There is no such thing as "nominal" Muslim, you are either a muslim or not.

If what you mean by "dating" is, you just know each other and nothing else, or you are engaged (Islamically) then no problem, but if you mean the normal "boyfriend and girlfriend" stuff where you hug, kiss, sleep over at each others place and so on, then I'll implore you to fear Allâh and stop it and also make tawbah on to Allâh for the past sins, HE(Al-Gafoorur raheem) is ever ready to forgive and forget, any relationship that starts with harâm does not have the barakah of Allah in it as scholars have explained. I'm saying this because you asked for "sincere" advice.

now, here is a personal opinion and advice, which will start with a question, is the woman you are about to marry ready to learn about the deen? if she is not, i wonder what you want your children to learn from her in terms of the deen. if her deen is not sound, is she willing to make her deen sound? Imam Ahmad(rahimahullah) was of the opinion that a man that wants to marry should look at beauty first(now not necessarily "super beauty" i hope you understand me), because you need something to look at that will keep you attracted and guard you from immoralities, then after you're satisfied with her looks, check her deen, if her deen is not ok, cut off the marriage. the point is, the deen is important, you should marry with the intention of "I want to help you make jannah, and want you to help me make jannah", if her deen is not good(and she is not willing to learn), who would wake you up subhi incase you don't wake up? who would tell you that you are entering haram in case you backslide and so on?

The prophet said, marriage is the best enjoyment among the temporary enjoyments of this dunyah IF YOU MARRY A VIRTUOUS WOMAN. look carefully who you want to marry and dont make a mistake, divorce is not as easy as it sounds.

this is a sincere advice from your brother in islam.

salam aleikom.

AbooUthaymeen:
if what is meant by "registry" is documenting the marriage and recording it, then this is something that is required, so as to protect people’s rights and prevent tampering with marriage. but if registry means, you'll be given some laws contrary to the shareeah like you can't divorce if need be and so on then she should "park well"

There is no such thing as "nominal" Muslim, you are either a muslim or not.

If what you mean by "dating" is you just know each other and nothing else, or you are engaged (Islamically) then no problem, but if you mean the normal "boyfriend and girlfriend" stuff where you hug, kiss, sleep over at each others place and so on, then I'll implore you to fear Allâh and stop it and also do tawbah on to Allâh for the past sins, HE(Al-Gafoorur raheem) is ever ready to forgive and forget, any relationship that starts with harâm does not have the barakah of Allah in it as scholars have explained. I'm saying this because you asked for "sincere" advice.

now, here is a personal opinion and advice, which will start with a question, is the woman you are about to marry ready to learn about the deen? because if she is not, i wonder what you want your children to learn from her in terms of the deen. if her deen is not sound, is she willing to make her deen sound? Imam Ahmad(rahimahullah) was of the opinion that a man that wants to marry should look at beauty first(now not necessarily "super beauty" i hope you understand me), because you need something to look at that will be keep you attracted and guard you from immoralities, then after you're satisfied with her looks, then check her deen, if her deen is not ok, then cut off the marriage. the point is, that deen is important, you should marry with the intention of "I want to help you make jannah, and want you to help me make jannah", if her deen is not good(and she is not willing to learn), who would wake you up subhi incase you don't wake up? who would tell you that you are entering haram in case backslide and so on?

The prophet said, marriage is the best enjoyment among the temporary enjoyments of this dunyah IF YOU MARRY A VIRTUOUS WOMAN. look carefully who you want to marry and dont make a mistake, divorce is not as easy as it sounds.

this is a sincere advice from your brother in islam.

salam aleikom.

@ AbooUthaymeen sorry I had to quote all you typed, but I want to first thank you for your Frank and honest submission, yes we did all those " boyfriend and girlfriend stuff" which I believe gave her the confidence that I would subscribe to all this registry plan ( going to court ) .
Like you have also rightly noted we should "tawbah" for our previous sins, I have been doing this. I do want us to sin no more was why I have decided we solemnize our relationship, yes am satisfied with her looks and I know she would be willing to strengthen her Deen and mine if we finally become Man and Wife. My only concern is with convincing her parent and herself to reason with me on the issue of registry without thinking of me as someone who as this ulterior motives.

diesel86:

@ AbooUthaymeen sorry I had to quote all you typed, but I want to first thank you for your Frank and honest submission, yes we did all those " boyfriend and girlfriend stuff" which I believe gave her the confidence that I would subscribe to all this registry plan ( going to court ) .
Like you have also rightly noted we should "tawbah" for our previous sins, I have been doing this. I do want us to sin no more was why I have decided we solemnize our relationship, yes am satisfied with her looks and I know she would be willing to strengthen her Deen and mine if we finally become Man and Wife. My only concern is with convincing her parent and herself to reason with me on the issue of registry without thinking of me as someone who as this ulterior motives.

Alhamdulillâh, you are sure she would be willing to learn, if that's true then congratulations on that part cuz not every woman would do that. and as for the registry, I haven't witnessed any marriage done at rhe registry, so what does it entails?

Salam alaykum

You can try to talk to her about her reasons for wanting a registry. You can let her know that she has the rights to demand certain rights in the marriage contract. For example, she can stipulate that you give her a certain amount monthly or give her a certain amount should divorce a happen.

Alhamdulillâh, you are sure she would be willing to learn, if that's true then congratulations on that part cuz not every woman would do that. and as for the registry, I haven't witnessed any marriage done at rhe registry, so what does it entails?[/quote]

I don't really know what it entails too, but one thing I know for certain is that the marriage vis bound by Western law and if anything happens in the marriage it can only be decided in the courts, that is my limited knowledge about registry.
It also seems to favour women more, might be wrong though

snapscore:
Salam alaykum

You can try to talk to her about her reasons for wanting a registry. You can let her know that she has the rights to demand certain rights in the marriage contract. For example, she can stimulate that you give her a certain amount monthly or give her a certain amount should divorce a happen.

Thanks for your contribution, but if I get you, do you want me to go ahead with the registry ?

diesel86:


I don't really know what it entails too, but one thing I know for certain is that the marriage vis bound by Western law and if anything happens in the marriage it can only be decided in the courts, that is my limited knowledge about registry.
It also seems to favour women more, might be wrong though

oh! if the above is true, then you shouldn't do the registry, have you asked her why she wants the registry? like ask her what exactly she wants...

note Abdelkabir = AbooUthaymeen.

diesel86:


Thanks for your contribution, but if I get you, do you want me to go ahead with the registry ?

Nope. That's the reason I mentioned you should ask her why she's afraid.
Maybe she's scared you will marry another wife after or scared a divorce might happen. According to Islam, she has the rights to demand in a marriage contract that you shouldn't marry another wife and a compensation if a divorce happens. This is within the Islamic marriage contract.

Also don't forget to pray istikhara regardless the decision you make ( to marry her or not).

snapscore:
Also don't forget to pray istikhara regardless the decision you make.

istikhara if he should do the registry or not?

AbdelKabir:


istikhara if he should do the registry or not?

Marry the lady or not. Based on his last few sentences.

Modified the post.

snapscore:


Nope. That's the reason I mentioned you should ask her why she's afraid.
Maybe she's scared you will marry another wife after or scared a divorce might happen. According to Islam, she has the rights to demand in a marriage contract that you shouldn't marry another wife and a compensation if a divorce happens. This is within the Islamic marriage contract.

I never knew there is something like marriage contract in Islam, reason she gave for registry is that she wants to be a LEGAL wife, should in case I marry another wife in future her place would be assured.

snapscore:
Also don't forget to pray istikhara regardless the decision you make ( to marry her or not).

I have done istikhara and have prayed over it, the only issue is the registry and am thinking should I go to her father to let him know where I stand or would it look like I am desperate ?

AbdelKabir:


oh! if the above is true, then you shouldn't do the registry, have you asked her why she wants the registry? like ask her what exactly she wants...

note Abdelkabir = AbooUthaymeen.

she wants to be a LEGAL wife

diesel86:


she wants to be a LEGAL wife

in islam too, she would be a LEGAL WIFE and there is marriage contract in Islam too, i would advice you both go to a trusted scholar near you, so he could lecture you both on the issue, her rights, your rights, what she can request from you before you marry her, and so on...it is much better conpared to the "registry", so look for trusted scholar because this is not an issue of internet, then go with her.

I hope this helps?

diesel86:


she wants to be a LEGAL wife

where in Nigeria do you stay? maybe i could recommend a scholar i trust, who is upon the sunnah.

diesel86:


I have done istikhara and have prayed over it, the only issue is the registry and am thinking should I go to her father to let him know where I stand or would it look like I am desperate ?

After doing isthikara, do you feel the issue is getting easier or harder? And what makes you feel this way?

I agree with what Abdelkabir mentioned about the scholar.

win your "spouse to be" on the issue of "registry" you'll win her parents such that you won't look desperate, more reason why you need the scholar who knows much on this issue to educate you both, so her fears will be gone.

AbdelKabir:


where in Nigeria do you stay? maybe i could recommend a scholar i trust, who is upon the sunnah.

I am based in Ibadan.

@ AbdelKabir and snapshots you guys have been wonderful Jazakumullahi Kairun.

diesel86:


I am based in Ibadan.

oh! you can contact the following scholars;

Ustadh Amubieya: 08055220010, 07033119998.

Ustadh Hamzah: 08053108910.

Ustadh At-thaqoofiy: 08029002200.

all based in Ibadan, you can contact any of them and tell them what you want, probably fix a day when you and your zawj to be will receive a lecture on the issue of marriage, her rights and yours, that way you'll be able to win her insha Allâh.

diesel86:
snapshots.

@snapscore, are you sure you won't reconsider this your moniker? you've become snapshots.



dont mind me brother diesel (this your name sef ) may Allâh make it easy for you.

diesel86:
@ Abdel.Kabir and snapshots you guys have been wonderful Jazakumullahi Kairun.

Wa iyyaka

AbdelKabir:


oh! you can contact the following scholars;

Ustadh Amubieya: 08055220010, 07033119998.

Ustadh Hamzah: 08053108910.

Ustadh At-thaqoofiy: 08029002200.

all based in Ibadan, you can contact any of them and tell them what you want, probably fix a day when you and your zawj to be will receive a lecture on the issue of marriage, her rights and yours, that way you'll be able to win her insha Allâh.

Thank you very much brother.

diesel86:


Thanks for your contribution, but if I get you, do you want me to go ahead with the registry ?

I think registry has its advantages too, like probably you guys are willing to settle abroad, the certificate grants you an edge that the embassy is sure you guys are legally married.

Taking note of what sis @snapscore said, there are also sharia courts that grants marriage certificates if that's what she wants. They grant you the certificate based on sharia and Islamic injunctions and it's legally recognized all over. You can talk to her about that. I'm sure there's one in ilorin, me and my prospective are planning for, but I don't know if there's one elsewhere close.

May Allah ease your affairs and grant your Union goodness.

@ snapscore I never thought you were a lady with the way you replied sorry about that, but thanks a lot, it's refreshing to see a lady converse this way.

golpen:


I think registry has its advantages too, like probably you guys are willing to settle abroad, the certificate grants you an edge that the embassy is sure you guys are legally married.

Taking note of what sis @snapscore said, there are also sharia courts that grants marriage certificates if that's what she wants. They grant you the certificate based on sharia and Islamic injunctions and it's legally recognized all over. You can talk to her about that. I'm sure there's one in ilorin, me and my prospective are planning for, but I don't know if there's one elsewhere close.

May Allah ease your affairs and grant your Union goodness.

Thank you brother and a very big AMEN to your prayers.

salaam alaykum brother, so how far?

AbdelKabir:
salaam alaykum brother, so how far?

Thanks for your concern bro, I have talked to her, she has agreed but the issue now is her parents are insisting on the registry.
I don't know if Islamically parents have such right ?