I don't think some men understands that no matter how angry you are there is power in the tongue and their are some you should never alter or declare on your patner. Correct me if am wrong.

Now this was what happened and I felt i didn't warrant being called that name.

I found out about a cheap land out for sale in lekki. Called hubby to inform him that we should go check it out and might just become land owners. So I think he also discussed it with his mum cause she also planned to buy land for her kids as gift..

So mother in law called me this morning and said she would like to go with us whenever we intend checking the land. I wanted to pour my heart out to my hubby immediately after the conversation but I thought it wasn't the right time.

So later that evening he raised an issue about us going to the land. Then I said i I won't be going since mother in law would be going. I think that got him angry. I tried explaining to him why I won't be going.

To cut the long story short. He started calling me all sort of names. The next word i heard was VAGABOND!!!! In my heart I thought too much. I cried bitterly. It would have hurt if it was just anyone but not the man you are married to who should be the one blessing you. I feel sometimes some men take their power for granted and don't even know the words to refrain from. He repeated this word almost 3times, then it dawned on me he didn't even see anything wrong. So many times he has used other hurtful words and while am trying to make him take back the words or even return the words back to sender am termed as a disrespectful wife. So I thought I seek others opinion.

Are our husbands allowed to use any word on us just because they can and if not this is the medium to let those who doesn't know.

Your husband is very wrong for using those words.If he felt offended about anything,he should have discussed it.
I think the major problem here is communication.You both need to improve on it.

The foundation of the marriage also matters.........finding partners in a club or bar,a school environment,Oshodi market etc determines how words will be used.

This story is not complete, you didn't tell us why u refused going with ur hubby and his mum,since u are the one that initiated the idea of going to check the land....it seems u are not in good terms with ur mother in-law...pls am not justifying what ur husband said,in fact he was very wrong to av used dat word.

But then again,u ought to have know that men are emotionally attached to their mothers,while women to their dad,hence u shouldn't have denied going since the mom is going too.Also the way u replied him,wen u told him u are not going since the mom is accompanying him,might have made him get angry....just my thought though...keep praying and hoping for the best.

Depends on what u did.
U must have provoked him so much for him 2 call u dat

No one is allowed to use abusive words on another!!!
Like thor.pido said, the problem here is foundation. I am sorry to say, he has little or no respect for you. I want to believe he has always been the type to insult and you didn't address it ASAP. Name calling affects your self esteem, it also leads to loss of love/connection in a marriage. You can't call me vagabond and expect me to position well for sex or cook good food. Vagabonds don't do these things(well). So, anyone telling you to tolerate it is simply wicked or oblivious of its effect.

I don't see anything wrong with MIL going to checkout the land with you guys. He didn't tell you, you only knew about it when she called (I guess that's your annoyance) and it's very worrying. Says a lot about you guys communication and his 'attachment' to his mum. He would be angry if the reverse plays out. But that's very rare, it's most times MIL tagging along. Handle it with sense, saying you won't go 'cos MIL is coming hurts. You should learn not to say every. Apologise first for your own fuckup, then communicate.

As it is now, the best you can do is keep talking to him, make him understand how it hurts you. Get him a book on anger management and ensure he reads it. Don't beat him o, I know those people that justify domestic violence won't encourage you to beat or harm him.

OP, sorry _This is NL, the topic now is how you hate your MIL, not the vagabond part.

ReneeNuttall:
This story is not complete, you didn't tell us why u refused going with ur hubby and his mum,since u are the one that initiated the idea of going to check the land....it seems u are not in good terms with ur mother in-law...pls am not justifying what ur husband said,in fact he was very wrong to av used dat word.

But then again,u ought to have know that men are emotionally attached to their mothers,while women to their dad,hence u shouldn't have denied going since the mom is going too.Also the way u replied him,wen u told him u are not going since the mom is accompanying him,might have made him get angry....just my thought though...keep praying and hoping for the best.

you women have a problem. Even if your kids should do something wrong, is it okay to call them a vagabond?

And if she calls him back or even say back to sender. He thinks she is disrespectful what a hypocrite.

You saw a land you want him to buy, he told her mum about it, you became uninterested, WHY?
He is wrong calling you such name but the root cause of the problem was the sudden change of mind when her mother was involved.
I always say that married couple should never allow argument get to the point of name calling or fight. One of you should just take a walk.

By the way, wetin your mother in law do you?

ReneeNuttall:
This story is not complete, you didn't tell us why u refused going with ur hubby and his mum,since u are the one that initiated the idea of going to check the land....it seems u are not in good terms with ur mother in-law...pls am not justifying what ur husband said,in fact he was very wrong to av used dat word.

But then again,u ought to have know that men are emotionally attached to their mothers,while women to their dad,hence u shouldn't have denied going since the mom is going too.Also the way u replied him,wen u told him u are not going since the mom is accompanying him,might have made him get angry....just my thought though...keep praying and hoping for the best.

Gbagam

Well, let him know you don't like the insults he heaps on you when you're arguing.
When he starts, just walk away.
If the insults and disparagement becomes persistent, regular over time, you may need to re-evaluate your marriage, and it's purpose in your life.
Regarding the cause of the argument, I don't see the big deal if you MIL goes with you guys. But I guess you don't like her, or you're angry your husband told his mom of you people's plans. Even if you're not happy he told his mum, that doesn't mean you should excuse yourself from the trip
Anyway, just try and work things out with your husband, and resolve the name calling

This is how it starts, this is how respect start flying out of the window.

Why would he do that? Not cool...

So why don't you want your MIL to come with you guys? If you gave him a lame reason he might have genuinely thought you to be a vagabond o. Bad word...still.

You all have spoken well. And yes the story isn't complete. But I didn't bother breaking it down cause I feel there is still no reason whatsoever to annoy you to the point of calling me a vagabond. It killed the love I have for him instantly at that moment. The fact an a wife makes my husband talk to me anyhow. If I made a mistake by calling him back a vagabond (I wouldn't have being able to call him that cause that word is just too heavy) but if I did. He would have called me a disrespectful wife. He is the kind of man who believes you must hold him in high esteem and with all manly respect, don't talk while am talking kind of man, the kind of man who wants you to give him a fatherly kind of respect. The kind of man who wouldnt talk to you for more than a day if you wake up in the morning forgetting to say goodmorning, the kind of man who doesn't believe a woman deserve to be respected, (hubby, if you see this correct me if am wrong) But how do you treat me?. Do i I have issues with his mum. Well that's personal, and i dont but he thinks i do. But was it because I refused to go check out the land with them he called me a vagabond? NO. He called me that because I didn't tell him his mum said she would be going to check out the land with us. I thought it was a decision they both made. So I decided I wasn't gonna interfere, and since it's not.like I have any money of my own yet to acquire a land, let him and his mum who really needs it more than I do go together. However I don't want to be there while she is making land decisions for her other kids. so his annoyance was why did i conclude that he asked his mum to go and check out the land with us and not discuss it with him first. That was what led to the name calling, but shpuld it warrant vagabond, calling me a FOOL almost 10times and topped it with vagabond. I can't deal. Too much for me. Dear hubby, if it happens you eventually find this post. I am not happy I was called that. That am smiling with you is because if i don't let go of grudge it's me that will still suffer but every time I i remember being called a vagabond. All I feel like doing is keeping to myself and not talking to you again you didn't kill my self esteem in anyway cause no man has the right to do that. But you have given me something to live with for a longgg time. No one has ever ever called me the kind of names you use on me many times you are angry not even my strict dad, and my keeping quiet is just because i don want you to call me a disrespectful wife again. Piece of my mind. A man, father and husband should live the life and say the kind of words you would want to hear your daughter's husband's say in future. I respect you and will always do but if I don't let you know how i feel now you will keep calling me names and I don't want. Let's bless each other more while angry than cause. Cause with time it will unconciously be depicted in our ways and we won't remember it was our mouth that caused it.

zeb04:
you women have a problem. Even if your kids should do something wrong, is it okay to call them a vagabond?

And if she calls him back or even say back to sender. He thinks she is disrespectful what a hypocrite.

What are u even saying? pls read and assimilate.

Op is crazy

Truelies2017:
You all have spoken well. And yes the story isn't complete. But I didn't bother breaking it down cause I feel there is still no reason whatsoever to annoy you to the point of calling me a vagabond. It killed the love I have for him instantly at that moment. The fact an a wife makes my husband talk to me anyhow. If I made a mistake by calling him back a vagabond (I wouldn't have being able to call him that cause that word is just too heavy) but if I did. He would have called me a disrespectful wife. He is the kind of man who believes you must hold him in high esteem and with all manly respect, don't talk while am talking kind of man, the kind of man who wants you to give him a fatherly kind of respect. The kind of man who wouldnt talk to you for more than a day if you wake up in the morning forgetting to say goodmorning, the kind of man who doesn't believe a woman deserve to be respected, (hubby, if you see this correct me if am wrong) But how do you treat me?. Do i I have issues with his mum. Well that's personal, and i dont but he thinks i do. But was it because I refused to go check out the land with them he called me a vagabond? NO. He called me that because I didn't tell him his mum said she would be going to check out the land with us. I thought it was a decision they both made. So I decided I wasn't gonna interfere, and since it's not.like I have any money of my own yet to acquire a land, let him and his mum who really needs it more than I do go together. However I don't want to be there while she is making land decisions for her other kids. so his annoyance was why did i conclude that he asked his mum to go and check out the land with us and not discuss it with him first. That was what led to the name calling, but shpuld it warrant vagabond, calling me a FOOL almost 10times and topped it with vagabond. I can't deal. Too much for me. Dear hubby, if it happens you eventually find this post. I am not happy I was called that. That am smiling with you is because if i don't let go of grudge it's me that will still suffer but every time I i remember being called a vagabond. All I feel like doing is keeping to myself and not talking to you again you didn't kill my self esteem in anyway cause no man has the right to do that. But you have given me something to live with for a longgg time. No one has ever ever called me the kind of names you use on me many times you are angry not even my strict dad, and my keeping quiet is just because i don want you to call me a disrespectful wife again. Piece of my mind. A man, father and husband should live the life and say the kind of words you would want to hear your daughter's husband's say in future. I respect you and will always do but if I don't let you know how i feel now you will keep calling me names and I don't want. Let's bless each other more while angry than cause. Cause with time it will unconciously be depicted in our ways and we won't remember it was our mouth that caused it.

My dear sister, the bolded shows you knew his character before you married him. because a person cannot plant yam and harvest cocoyam.

he happens to be the verbally abusive type and honestly, this is a cross you have to bare in your marriage.

However, the only way I see is - talk to him about your feelings on the issue, and hope he changes.

All the best!

ReneeNuttall:
This story is not complete, you didn't tell us why u refused going with ur hubby and his mum,since u are the one that initiated the idea of going to check the land....it seems u are not in good terms with ur mother in-law...pls am not justifying what ur husband said,in fact he was very wrong to av used dat word.

But then again,u ought to have know that men are emotionally attached to their mothers,while women to their dad,hence u shouldn't have denied going since the mom is going too.Also the way u replied him,wen u told him u are not going since the mom is accompanying him,might have made him get angry....just my thought though...keep praying and hoping for the best.

True words

Even if I were the husband I will be very angry she doesn't want my Mother to come..
But I won't call her names.. I will tell her to her face she's very wicked.. And next time she shouldn't bother looking for cheap lands.. I will do it with my mum myself. And build My not Our dream house without her input. Maybe her brain will reset and she will start loving my mum. She can stay at home all day if she wants. Her choice.
It's annoying.. Her own MIL? some wives? I just don't understand their beef with MIL.

alexialin:




True words

Even if I were the husband I will be very angry she doesn't want my Mother to come..
But I won't call her names.. I will tell her to her face she's very wicked.. And next time she shouldn't bother looking for cheap lands.. I will do it with my mum myself. And build My not Our dream house without her input. Maybe her brain will reset and she will start loving my mum. She can stay at home all day if she wants. Her choice.
It's annoying.. Her own MIL? some wives? I just don't understand their beef with MIL.

Well,from wat I senced,its like shes not comfortable with her hubby confiding with his mum .

ReneeNuttall:



Well,from wat I senced,its like shes not comfortable with her hubby confiding with his mum .

If one has a good relationship with his or her mum.. It's natural, for the person to confide in his or her mum. My mum, God bless her soul.. She was my closest and best friend. If she were alive today? And am married? I will still confide in her. My husband cannof stop me from confiding in my mum. Likewise there are other people out there, who are very close to their mum.. It's a natural feeling.. It's not abnormal..if she wants to enjoy her husband, she had better like her MIL. Especially if the MIL is a good woman. No-one can cut the bond between mother and child...its an untouchable bond. So she better get used to her MIL.

alexialin:




If one has a good relationship with his or her mum.. It's natural, for the person to confide in his or her mum. My mum, God bless her soul.. She was my closest and best friend. If she were alive today? And am married? I will still confide in her. My husband cannof stop me from confiding in my mum. Likewise there are other people out there, who are very close to their mum.. It's a natural feeling.. It's not abnormal..if she wants to enjoy her husband, she had better like her MIL. Especially if the MIL is a good woman. No-one can cut the bond between mother and child...its an untouchable bond. So she better get used to her MIL.

#FACT#

You refused going out to check the land with your MIL and you're also having issues with your husband?

Keep fighting everyone, when the chips are down, we'll see if it the posters on NL who are gonna talk sense into your husband on your behalf.

Even if your husband is unreasonable, you should make his mother your ally. That's an easy way to secure your place in his heart.

NAiRALAND ooo!!! So that is hpw the whole lots of you deviated from the vagabond topic to MIL. I stated in my post he didn't call me that because unsaid his mum shouldn't go with us to check the land. He called me that cause I refused to tell him his mum has asked to go check the land without the consent. The question here is should a HUSBAND call his wife a vagabond. Besides i dont have any issues woth my mother in law at all. I love her like my mother. Deviating from the topic won't bring the answer. It will only casue more problems btw us. TRULY sometimes nairaland isn't the place to.pour out your mind. They will only nicely compound your issues spicing it up with joy pepper sauce.

ReneeNuttall:
This story is not complete, you didn't tell us why u refused going with ur hubby and his mum,since u are the one that initiated the idea of going to check the land....it seems u are not in good terms with ur mother in-law...pls am not justifying what ur husband said,in fact he was very wrong to av used dat word.

But then again,u ought to have know that men are emotionally attached to their mothers,while women to their dad,hence u shouldn't have denied going since the mom is going too.Also the way u replied him,wen u told him u are not going since the mom is accompanying him,might have made him get angry....just my thought though...keep praying and hoping for the best.

I agree with your post. They both need to sit and address where the problem is from

Bigsteveg:


I agree with your post. They both need to sit and address where the problem is from

Exactly, and also work on their temperament esp the hubby.

i don't think he called u vagabond cos you are that to him. no, when couples are angry, they raise their voices, one tries to outshout the other by increasing his/her voice, but a man typically does not conform to shouting n would rather call u a very hurtful word just to shut u up or get u to sober up n cry. Mark my word, he will come back and say he does not mean it, how can his wife be a vagabond ?

then again, up there u said u didn't want to interfere in the their family decision in land acquisition, are u not part of the family?
you also said, you hubby wants to be respected like your father, would that reduce you? respect him mbok and have peace o.

which vagabond is it VIP (vagabond in power) or what. but the man no try no matter what.

.

Not justifying what he did but u backing out of the journey seems like a subconscious effort aimed at telling ur hubby to pick between u and his mum! And that is so not cool

Also alienating ur MIL just cuz ur married to her son can be disastrous, like what u just experienced.
Anyway give him time, probably when u are both in the "other room" u could bring up the issue of how u felt broken hearing those words from him. If he truly loves u, he'd apologize.

My 2cents

op sorry oh
Husbands are not expected to call their wives names.

But honestly I believe you caused the outburst.
The moment a wife is trying to create a form of " I'm more important or who is more important" kind of a competition with her mother in law.
She is looking for big trouble.

Do you want your husband to cajole or beg to follow him and his mother to the site knowing fully well you got the information of the property.

Listen woman, you are your husband's wife and that is your position in his life. Please remain his wife and don't try to create friction between him and his mum. It's just an advice.
No reasonable man will tolerate the creation of competition between the important women in his life
In a space of time you too will become a mother in law and you remember all these scripts you performed as a wife.
Se jeje oh.

Let him know that you don't all those words bt not when he is angry. Look for the best time to tell him, of which you should know that perfect time when he will listen to you.



Besides, op looks like someone who doesn't like/want to be corrected.

Truelies2017:
I don't think some men understands that no matter how angry you are there is power in the tongue and their are some you should never alter or declare on your patner. Correct me if am wrong.

Now this was what happened and I felt i didn't warrant being called that name.

I found out about a cheap land out for sale in lekki. Called hubby to inform him that we should go check it out and might just become land owners. So I think he also discussed it with his mum cause she also planned to buy land for her kids as gift..

So mother in law called me this morning and said she would like to go with us whenever we intend checking the land. I wanted to pour my heart out to my hubby immediately after the conversation but I thought it wasn't the right time.

So later that evening he raised an issue about us going to the land. Then I said i I won't be going since mother in law would be going. I think that got him angry. I tried explaining to him why I won't be going.

To cut the long story short. He started calling me all sort of names. The next word i heard was VAGABOND!!!! In my heart I thought too much. I cried bitterly. It would have hurt if it was just anyone but not the man you are married to who should be the one blessing you. I feel sometimes some men take their power for granted and don't even know the words to refrain from. He repeated this word almost 3times, then it dawned on me he didn't even see anything wrong. So many times he has used other hurtful words and while am trying to make him take back the words or even return the words back to sender am termed as a disrespectful wife. So I thought I seek others opinion.

Are our husbands allowed to use any word on us just because they can and if not this is the medium to let those who doesn't know.

why are you reporting your husband to children that are born in the 90s and 00s

yawns

only vagabond, is dt y u are disturbed, u need to develop some thick skin. he was angry dts all, stop annoying him b4 he beats d hell out of u