sendmeonly:


I am here and having seen the job vacancy online for the position of a procurement engineer, Sir this will be of great value to me as a person to bring out the very best in this discipline. This will open a window for greater challenges which am going to find interesting.
> Am a graduate with strong interest and succession in acquiring bachelors in engineering ( Water Resources Engineering), also with job experience from a renowned Company TEPNL.

> This privilege will buttress application of based Microsoft Officer Application, Infoworks, GIS and ISIS softwares as an added advantage, although peripheral but a good stand point(if needed)

Am capable to work as a self-starter and a team player with little or no supervision and logical sense towards solution when necessary as an independent, enthusiastic candidate with drive to giving solutions.

To my advantage again is the experience as a trainee with Total Exploration and production Nigeria Limited under the auspices of Paradigm for environmental awareness training and energy efficiency awareness (Managers) in the United Kingdom.

It would be a pleasure to avail this Company with a house of knowledge willing to expound more with innovations and knowledgeable prowess in the field chosen by this organization.

Yours Sincerely

SaintChukz:


Disclaimer: Though i'm not an HR expert but I would try to give my best two cents opinion about this.

If I'm the Hiring Manager for the firm in question, sorry I won't take you as a serious person. The reasons being:

1. Unless you know the manager personally to be a male or by name, it is far too assuming to believe it must be a "He" rather than a "She", otherwise starting with your address alone as 'Dear Sir', you're ignorantly wrong.

2. I don't know why most graduates today tend to disregard certain simple rules of grammar, for example in the expression above you even repeated severally the mistake of using 'Am' instead of "l'm or I am". Please for goodness sake, this is an official capacity and a very serious one at that, so try sticking to the most acceptable norms in business writing especially when it comes to your grammar.

3. You didn't even attempt to sell yourself, how much more trying to put it in a nice way (according to your topic usage). The fact is you're applying for a procurement engineer position and yet you didn't even state specific instances that shows you have training or even some hint of professional experience in the position. Stating all that you mentioned like your experience with TEPNL (by the way don't ever use acronyms in letters without first spelling out its full meaning for the reader) is all vague to me and I can't see how related it is to the position. To me, you were only trying to impress by being verbose with "mere words" and no substance. To most hiring managers especially the ones who have tons of years of experience and have seen it all, sorry that won't fly at all.

4. Again on your grammar syntax, I also noticed you kept using the word "This". What were you attempting to do in the context you used that word? Trying to point the HR Manager to something about you I guess. Well...sorry again you failed because to me it only appeared you weren't trying to endear yourself to the manager but rather creating a distance in an attempt to hitting a first time impression of yourself to him/her.

5. Then finally, shouldn't i also say you ended the note just in the same unserious manner like you started it? Usually in letters like this, it is normally advised that after warming yourself into the consciousness of whoever it is that is hiring through the opening and the body of the letter where you get to convey some real insights about your personality to the person. It is also noteworthy, that you initiate a necessary call to action move by at least offering your availability to the needed interview to them in person at the slightest instance through a "contact me" cache at least. But yet...what have you done here? You would rather prefer to end the note just in the same bland manner as you started it.

Look...I'm not an HR expert giving you this piece of opinion. Now, imagine if a qualified HR personnel where to be doing this. What do you think would be the results? Your guess is as good as mine...isn't it.

So there you've it. Please make the necessary corrections and do the needful or you may as well wait for others who may be more qualified in the role to validate your questions.

Have a nice day!

sendmeonly:
Dear Sir/Madam

Having seen the job vacancy online for the position of a procurement engineer, Sir/Madam this will be of great value to me as a person to bring out the very best in this discipline as a matter of fact oversee the purchasing of technical goods and services for an industrial operation, evaluate suppliers and negotiate purchase agreements with them, as well as maintain the inventory of supplies are core responsibility,it will open a window for greater challenges which am going to find interesting in your firm when given an opportunity.

I am a graduate with strong interest and succession in acquiring bachelors in engineering ( Water Resources Engineering), also with job experience from a renowned Company Total exploration and production Nigeria Limited (TEPNL), in this company I was in Technical Logistics department involved in proper documentation for offshore travellers and their database for personal logistics.

This privilege will buttress application of basic Microsoft Officer Application, Infoworks, GIS and ISIS softwares as an added advantage, although peripheral but a good stand point(if needed)


I am capable to work as a self-starter and a team player with little or no supervision and logical sense towards solution when necessary as an independent, enthusiastic candidate with drive to giving solutions.

Furthermore to my advantage again is the experience as a trainee with Total Exploration and production Nigeria Limited under the auspices of Paradigm for environmental awareness training and energy efficiency awareness (Managers) in the United Kingdom.

It would be a pleasure to avail this Company with a house of knowledge willing to expound more with innovations and knowledgeable prowess in the field chosen by this organization.
I believe my application will be given an unprecedented response to form a team player in this organization.

Regards

08068449815

Yours Sincerely

Mustay:


It is a nice way to sell yourself, this is more like a cover letter in the body of the email but general tips for you here:

1. Make it brief. Particularly for an unsolicited application, people generally scan through the first few paragraphs and the last sentences.

2. Grandioseness: Inasmuch as you are trying to impress the recipient, remember the golden rule, KISS. KEEP IT STRAIGHTFORWARD & SIMPLE. Don't use unnecessary grammar or jargons.

Your introduction could have been more concise than it is. You do not want the reader to lose interest in the first few sentences.

Another example is this:



"I am a graduate with strong interest and succession in acquiring bachelors in engineering ( Water Resources Engineering)"

Which one is it Have you 'acquired' or not? In the process, you have left the reader confused as to whether you're a graduate or an undergraduate.

3. Punctuation: Your first paragraph is so long that seeing the period was like achieving eureka state of mind. Breakdown your sentences to be readable and understandable. A lot of your sentences are too complex. Use commas, periods and semicolons appropriately.

4. Tautology: Nigerians like to emphasise and in this process, we repeat words unnecessarily. Some words we make use of in our sentences are redundant and add up to the word count.

5. Getting Personal: Whether it's business or employment, avoid the "we vs them" syndrome; adopt "us" instead. I see you using 'The Company', 'this organisation' or 'the firm'. Use the name of the firm, adopt their language and make it look like you're part of the team. In fact, you ought to be making use of the firm's values etc and tweak it towards your own strengths etc.

6. Salutation: Since you're using Dear Sir/Ma, it should be 'Yours Faithfully'. Use 'Yours Sincerely' when you know the name of the addresses which you should or can actually find out.
Nigeria will be a better place if every other person becomes responsible.lnstead of insensitive comments,u fancy helping a brother...All observations towards pinpointing relevance and importance to areas of emphasis,the young man need to thank you.