We have a case at hand, a marriage of less than 18mths that is collaps ing, all in the name of the wife insistence of going against the husband's directive not to take the child for Baptism till she grows up to know the significance and the import.
She still insisted that even if she gets another baby, she will repeat thesame thing again and again.

What broke the camel's back, was on on d second visit of husband to see his wife and baby after delivery. It was a Sunday morning, husband told the wife that they are going to his church today because d husband is Pentecostal while d wife is Catholic. The response of the wife was rather shocking, she said she's not taking baby to d husband's church. And when d husband hinted d mother of her daughter's response she instantly supported her daughter.
Saying if he wants them to discuss and analyze it that they are ready. A lot of dust was raised dat day. But, the husband said he still kept his cool.

Also, to make the matter worse, the wife has directed the husband who doesn't live in the same state with here not to communicate with her on the phone, except thru text messages. This angered the man to the point of affirming that he will see if the tail is wagging d head or the head is wagging d tail. Right then, he has refused to communicate with her via text messages and whenever he calls she will not pick his calls.

Up till now, the wife stays in her family house with the child and she is staunchly supported by the mother in all her actions.
We happened to discover that they have not live in their own home together due to individual job location of the couple.

We also realized that, d husband has stopped communicating with her for over 4mth now. A close confidant of the husband hinted her that her husband silence cannot be quantified and he has refused to discuss about her with anybody.
Probably, waiting for the time to strike, either remarry and leave her with d baby, but will not divorce her thereby making her live a single mother life all through her life.
While he remarry, because the Bible didn't ask Christians not to have more than one wife.
He knows dat when the child grows up, she must surely look for him. He has refused to send a farthing for the child's welfare since the wife has used d baby as a weapon by baring him from hearing d cry or muttered sounds of his own flesh and blood, not even a single picture to see her development. For, over 6mths plus he has not seen his baby and he doesn't want to show any form of weakness, but deep inside him he dieing slowly for the wife's action.

At first, we blamed d husband for giving d wife dat freedom during their courtship that she can go to her church if she wants, but on Sundays, she must follow him to his own church.
Are we going to say, the was being too liberal , who believes on freedom of expression and not using coarsion or naive about women?

And the wife and d her mother, what do you think?

After some contacts with the wife, through her cousin, we noticed she has refused picking our calls, but we intend to make physical soon.

Any elderly advice will be appreciated here.

PLEASE ONLY ELDERLY AND MARRIED!

Teenagers and unmarried go suck your thumb!

Thanks.

I'll comment when I wake up

Most ladies have their ways of wrecking men emotionally. I don't know what the man has done to the lady, but I strongly believe that she has lose all forms​ of love & respect for him. At this point it's highly difficult if not impossible to win the love back... Love gone haywire. Every man must learn how to withstand emotional problem of living​.

What did they discuss during courtship?

How did they get married in the first place?

Pidgin2:
I think the lady just wanted a child from him.

This is exactly why I asked the question. The change is too drastic, though the early years of marriage could be tough coupled with the fact that they live apart _ something about this one doesn't add up.

Well, like eyinjuege said, people change their minds and marriage is a whole new ball game. I strongly believe there should be a reason for that change of mind _something the couple are privy to, not OP (a third party).

Sadly, no matter how much they discussed during courtship it can never be as detailed.
People also have the freedom to change their minds, and go against whatever discussion they had during courtship. Some even blatantly lie during courtship just to get what they want.
That's why i dont bother with asking if couples didn't discuss a particular matter during courtship, because it can never be as detailed, and things/ circumstances may change.
Love may be blind, but marriage is an eye opener.

Way forward?
Where are the elders in their families? Let the man involve his people to go and pay a visit to the wife and her family. Let everyone know if there still is a marriage. I really don't expect the man to change his church, neither do i expect the woman to do so, especially if both believe doing so will lead to the damnation of their souls.
If they're still interested in the marriage, either one should relocate to where the other is, as it's obvious the distance has helped to destroy their relationship (whoever relocates depends on the nature of job e.g working from home, the pay involved, the possibility of a transfer etc).
If they cannot relocate and live together as a family, and the marriage is not salvageable, let them get a divorce then. They can arrange custody, maybe with the child being with the mother and spending holidays with the father( since they're in different states). The man however has a responsibilty to his child to provide for him/her.
It is the child's right. So that matter of not spending a farthing should never arise. Even if it's to send tins of baby food and cartons of diapers monthly, it's still something.

I think the lady just wanted a child from him.

Aporoko! how u take know the full gist

I will only advice after they have divorced. Nothing concern with married folks

PaperLace:
What did they discuss during courtship?

How did they get married in the first place?


This is exactly why I asked the question. The change is too drastic, though the early years of marriage could be tough coupled with the fact that they live apart _ something about this one doesn't add up.

Well, like eyinjuege said, people change their minds and marriage is a whole new ball game. I strongly believe there should be a reason for that change of mind _something the couple are privy to, not OP (a third party).

Haha, if you talk about living apart, I laugh... a family friend just told us a couple living together in their own apartment with the mother of girl after she has delivered have dispersed because according to the husband, the mother of the wife is dictating what will happen and this guy has to out a stop to it by telling the wife that her mother must leave because he didn't marry her(wife's mother).
What happened next will shock you.... both the wife, the mother and the baby had to abandon the man and moved out of her matrimonial home.

So, my dear, living apart or staying together, whatever that will happen will happen,it all depends on the level of maturity of both parties and their corresponding parents.

Joavid:
Aporoko! how u take know the full gist

B.rat. ....you don't want to mess around with me...you better read my past posts and getthefuckoutofhere.

Pidgin2:
I think the lady just wanted a child from him.

Please, explain further...

eyinjuege:
Sadly, no matter how much they discussed during courtship it can never be as detailed.
People also have the freedom to change their minds, and go against whatever discussion they had during courtship. Some even blatantly lie during courtship just to get what they want.
That's why i dont bother with asking if couples didn't discuss a particular matter during courtship, because it can never be as detailed, and things/ circumstances may change.
Love may be blind, but marriage is an eye opener.

Way forward?
Where are the elders in their families? Let the man involve his people to go and pay a visit to the wife and her family. Let everyone know if there still is a marriage. I really don't expect the man to change his church, neither do i expect the woman to do so, especially if both believe doing so will lead to the damnation of their souls.
If they're still interested in the marriage, either one should relocate to where the other is, as it's obvious the distance has helped to destroy their relationship (whoever relocates depends on the nature of job e.g working from home, the pay involved, the possibility of a transfer etc).
If they cannot relocate and live together as a family, and the marriage is not salvageable, let them get a divorce then. They can arrange custody, maybe with the child being with the mother and spending holidays with the father( since they're in different states). The man however has a responsibilty to his child to provide for him/her.
It is the child's right. So that matter of not spending a farthing should never arise. Even if it's to send tins of baby food and cartons of diapers monthly, it's still something.

Good one there...

But, how do you explain a situation where the mother of the wife is clamouring for separation, urging the couple to go to Catholic father and dissolve the marriage, since according to her, it is easy for camel to pass the eye of a needle but they will never change their denomination? S

str8talk1:


Good one there...

But, how do you explain a situation where the mother of the wife is clamouring for separation, urging the couple to go to Catholic father and dissolve the marriage, since according to her, it is easy for camel to pass the eye of a needle but they will never change their denomination? S

If the wife wants that, then there's little the guy can do.
In as much as we all want to obey our parents, there comes a time in one's life you have to take charge of your own life, and live it for you. She also probably doesn't want the marriage anymore, so all that talk of her mother pushing for a separation is wash.
Its a pity though, because I'm sure they all knew they weren't of the same denomination before marriage.

str8talk1:


Haha, if you talk about living apart, I laugh... a family friend just told us a couple living together in their own apartment with the mother of girl after she has delivered have dispersed because according to the husband, the mother of the wife is dictating what will happen and this guy has to out a stop to it by telling the wife that her mother must leave because he didn't marry her(wife's mother).
What happened next will shock you.... both the wife, the mother and the baby had to abandon the man and moved out of her matrimonial home.

So, my dear, living apart or staying together, whatever that will happen will happen,it all depends on the level of maturity of both parties and their corresponding parents.

-The fact that you insured your house, doesn't mean you should leave the gates open at night. That you're in an insured relationship (marriage) doesn't mean you should live apart when it's avoidable. Couples hide under "what will he, will be" to take important things for granted. The bible that instructed man and wife to LIVE TOGETHER knew its advantages far outweighs whatever will be _ all things being equal.

-My stand on extended families is harsh but it remains same, no extended family in my house on permanent basis. I don't care what side of the divide they are from, don't come live with us!!!
They always cause more harm than good.

So my dear, couples should do their best to mitigate anything that would lead to marital issues _living apart is one of them.

They are not serious from the word go. Both of them are strong excuses of what adults are known for.

But then, imagining all the second options you outlined there goes to show that you are not after their reconciliation but to make it also difficult for the wife in life. Vengeance

Just divorce her and get on with your life. It is always difficult for staunch catholics to adhere to any other beliefs. You didn't convert her beliefs she only got married which doesn't erase her catholic beliefs. And believe you me that the marriage is over so get over it and sort for ways for court assigned visitation hours.

It's such a shame though! I suspect the lady is somewhat misguided and not seeing the bigger picture i.e. the well being of the child and the future of the marriage as a whole! She also seems flippant to me though I agree I'm only seeing/ hearing the husband's version of things!

As for the wife's mum she should be doing all she can to ensure amicable resolution and not edging her on towards "destruction".

I heard of a marriage that crashed because wife wanted to attend a family event and Husband said no perhaps for flippant reasons anyway wife edged on by her mum attended and didn't come back home with the children. Now children are somewhat suffering as Mrs isn't financially empowered and husband is just doing bare minimum since he can't understand why she left in the first place!

My point is that wife needs further counseling. She should decide if she wants marriage or not and perhaps state her grievances toward the man! If resolution is possible fine if not make everybody waka God be with them both!

PaperLace:


-The fact that you insured your house, doesn't mean you should leave the gates open at night. That you're in an insured relationship (marriage) doesn't mean you should live apart when it's avoidable. Couples hide under "what will he, will be" to take important things for granted. The bible that instructed man and wife to LIVE TOGETHER knew its advantages far outweighs whatever will be _ all things being equal.

-My stand on extended families is harsh but it remains same, no extended family in my house on permanent basis. I don't care what side of the divide they are from, don't come live with us!!!
They always cause more harm than good.

So my dear, couples should do their best to mitigate anything that would lead to marital issues _living apart is one of them.

Funny enough it's not extended family living with the couple as much as the couple each knowing where to draw the line on the level of influence that can be exerted by extended family members!

For eg grandpa may not live with the couple but insist that they eat this or that, or that they name the children his mother/ favorite name! It could also be the couple sharing details of thier conflict and extended family members giving. Advice that has negative or adverse effects!

Do you get my line of thought? Just adding to what you've said

Same problem we had when we were younger. Mum was Anglican, Dad was mfm and going to church on Sundays was always after a heated argument BTW them then my dad called a meeting and decided that my mumlook for a new,neutral church and that will be the family church. 2 weeks later, we all started attending Rccg till date.

Things like this shouldn't bring problem, everybody should be ready to compromise once in a while, it's the same God we are going to call on after all.

I am not Married and I am a small girl.....

The problem started from their courtship but they never saw it as a problem they took it like "when we get to that bridge, we would cross it".

One out of my many daddies will tell me, hey always look out for those things you cannot withstand in marriage while in courtship and don't keep quiet over it, discuss it and come to terms, cause as human love will gradually fade.

Marriage is the union of 2 "matured" (not by age o) adult, who are ready to break rules, bend rules, step on toes, make inconvenient sacrifices, make conscious commitment (if it's always convenient, it's not commitment fah) Etal.

No matter how intelligent or smart you think you are, Marriage will humble you, I knew this when a former colleague of mine whom I held in very high esteem (as per he always had a solution to any challenge we face in the office,) came to the office one day and said "come what may, I will make my marriage work" I knew "water av pass garri".

My submission "The 2 parties involved in this Story were never prepared neither were they ready for Marriage" they only needed a change of status.

I stand to be corrected or criticised.

str8talk1:

We have a case at hand, a marriage of less than 18mths that is collaps ing, all in the name of the wife insistence of going against the husband's directive not to take the child for Baptism till she grows up to know the significance and the import.
She still insisted that even if she gets another baby, she will repeat thesame thing again and again.

What broke the camel's back, was on on d second visit of husband to see his wife and baby after delivery. It was a Sunday morning, husband told the wife that they are going to his church today because d husband is Pentecostal while d wife is Catholic. The response of the wife was rather shocking, she said she's not taking baby to d husband's church. And when d husband hinted d mother of her daughter's response she instantly supported her daughter.
Saying if he wants them to discuss and analyze it that they are ready. A lot of dust was raised dat day. But, the husband said he still kept his cool.

Also, to make the matter worse, the wife has directed the husband who doesn't live in the same state with here not to communicate with her on the phone, except thru text messages. This angered the man to the point of affirming that he will see if the tail is wagging d head or the head is wagging d tail. Right then, he has refused to communicate with her via text messages and whenever he calls she will not pick his calls.

Up till now, the wife stays in her family house with the child and she is staunchly supported by the mother in all her actions.
We happened to discover that they have not live in their own home together due to individual job location of the couple.

We also realized that, d husband has stopped communicating with her for over 4mth now. A close confidant of the husband hinted her that her husband silence cannot be quantified and he has refused to discuss about her with anybody.
Probably, waiting for the time to strike, either remarry and leave her with d baby, but will not divorce her thereby making her live a single mother life all through her life.
While he remarry, because the Bible didn't ask Christians not to have more than one wife.
He knows dat when the child grows up, she must surely look for him. He has refused to send a farthing for the child's welfare since the wife has used d baby as a weapon by baring him from hearing d cry or muttered sounds of his own flesh and blood, not even a single picture to see her development. For, over 6mths plus he has not seen his baby and he doesn't want to show any form of weakness, but deep inside him he dieing slowly for the wife's action.

At first, we blamed d husband for giving d wife dat freedom during their courtship that she can go to her church if she wants, but on Sundays, she must follow him to his own church.
Are we going to say, the was being too liberal , who believes on freedom of expression and not using coarsion or naive about women?

And the wife and d her mother, what do you think?

After some contacts with the wife, through her cousin, we noticed she has refused picking our calls, but we intend to make physical soon.

Any elderly advice will be appreciated here.

PLEASE ONLY ELDERLY AND MARRIED!

Teenagers and unmarried go suck your thumb!

Thanks.

str8talk1:


Haha, if you talk about living apart, I laugh... a family friend just told us a couple living together in their own apartment with the mother of girl after she has delivered have dispersed because according to the husband, the mother of the wife is dictating what will happen and this guy has to out a stop to it by telling the wife that her mother must leave because he didn't marry her(wife's mother).
What happened next will shock you.... both the wife, the mother and the baby had to abandon the man and moved out of her matrimonial home.

So, my dear, living apart or staying together, whatever that will happen will happen,it all depends on the level of maturity of both parties and their corresponding parents.

Is the wife's dad still alive or dead?

str8talk1:


Good one there...

But, how do you explain a situation where the mother of the wife is clamouring for separation, urging the couple to go to Catholic father and dissolve the marriage, since according to her, it is easy for camel to pass the eye of a needle but they will never change their denomination? S

So they tell you that in the Catholic church, a reverend father can disolve marriage like DAT? In the Catholic church, what God has joined together let no man put asunder. I can't stop wondering at the kind of impression you guys have about the Catholic church.

eyinjuege:


If the wife wants that, then there's little the guy can do.
In as much as we all want to obey our parents, there comes a time in one's life you have to take charge of your own life, and live it for you. She also probably doesn't want the marriage anymore, so all that talk of her mother pushing for a separation is wash.
Its a pity though, because I'm sure they all knew they weren't of the same denomination before marriage.

In marriage, you don't obey your parents; you obey your husband

PaperLace:


-The fact that you insured your house, doesn't mean you should leave the gates open at night. That you're in an insured relationship (marriage) doesn't mean you should live apart when it's avoidable. Couples hide under "what will he, will be" to take important things for granted. The bible that instructed man and wife to LIVE TOGETHER knew its advantages far outweighs whatever will be _ all things being equal.

-My stand on extended families is harsh but it remains same, no extended family in my house on permanent basis. I don't care what side of the divide they are from, don't come live with us!!!
They always cause more harm than good.

So my dear, couples should do their best to mitigate anything that would lead to marital issues _living apart is one of them.

Whether they live together or with all the members of both families if they as a couple cannot agree and speak with one voice they will always have issues. Thats why they say love is never enough in marriages whatever happened to sacrifices?

Secondly, you dont knw how life will happen so be careful with the kind of permanent rules you make in temporal instances. Who knows it may be your own people in need of accomodation. But thats not the issue on ground now

Missonas:


Whether they live together or with all the members of both families if they as a couple cannot agree and speak with one voice they will always have issues. Thats why they say love is never enough in marriages whatever happened to sacrifices?

Secondly, you don't know how life will happen so be careful with the kind of permanent rules you make in temporal instances. Who knows it may be your own people in need of accommodation. But thats not the issue on ground now

Firstly, the illustration he gave was on one with the MIL living with them _so, I addressed it from that angle.

Secondly, you don't know me or why I/we took that stand, neither did I say the rule is permanent. When you get married, feel free to pack all of them into your house, your choice. Every marriage is dynamic, you consider people you're dealing with and treat accordingly. Yes, that's not the issue on ground. Focus on the issue.

Babythug, I get your point.

Op im not married but both my sisters married non catholics. There are no issues like this because we believe in one God. All their children are baptised in the catholic church. Though one of my sisters goes to the husbands church on sundays she makes time to attend weekday masses and prays. The other ones hubby is very understnding even drops them off on sundays atimes. There are no issues. No quarrels. My folks dont interfere even if popsy calls them once in while to try and go back to the faith he dont lord it over their husbands.

Both the man in question and the wife are head strong. God is not in support of strife! He hates divorce.

PaperLace:

Firstly, the illustration he gave was on one with the MIL leaving with them _so, I addressed it from that angle.

Secondly, you don't know me or why I/we took that stand, neither did I say the rule is permanent. When you get married, feel free to pack all of them into your house, your choice. Every marriage is dynamic, you consider people you're dealing with and treat accordingly. Yes, that's not the issue on ground. Focus on the issue.

Babythug, I get your point.

I did too. I no get power to wrestle this night josh tomorrow is monday. Goodnight!

Missonas:

I did too. I no get power to wrestle this night josh tomorrow is monday. Goodnight!

Good for you dear, goodnight.

The amazing thing is that in a bid to show how compliant they are to their religious beliefs, core values of kindness n empathy are being ignored.

wadetaw202:


Is the wife's dad still alive or dead?

Dead

str8talk1:


Dead

No wonder

It is very difficult to address this issue without a full understanding of the dynamics of the marriage, though you have provided details.

Every marriage is complex and unique to the culture and agreement between the partners before marriage. Whenever either party fails to honor this agreement (if there was any), the marriage ends. But of course if these issues were not discussed prior to marriage, you must not blame the husband or wife. Let me state clearly that a woman is more powerful after marriage when you look at dynamics because she has been gifted with several tools to get what she wants: societal support and emotional strategies. By nature, men don't have these so most men resort to anger and aggression which will yield little fruit or sympathy from anyone.

In contrast a man's power is full before marriage if he knows how to use it. That's where this guy made a big mistake: If they did not discuss these things before marriage then let the lady take the child for baptism when she wants and let there be peace. If you marry a quarrelsome wife, you must assume the role of the sheep if you want peace - Quote me anywhere. All these arguements wil not produce much fruit.

Let this also be a warning to all intending couples doing pre-wedding photo here and there. This is the time to thrash it out. I'd end by saying that everywoman you date carefully will try you to see how much she can get away with. This lady must have gotten away with many things otherwise a trivial matter like this should not cause wahala. The man needs to pipe down in his case.

my advice: for the couple going to different church is not the issue, u can't leave ur wife alone when the marriage is still tender, within first 10yrs is when u'll mold ur wife the way u want ur family to be and it's usually difficult. this is also advice to intending couples.

in ur own issue the bond has been broken cos no attachment BTW u too, u saw something in her that made u to marry her, forget about divorce now and try to make ur marriage work! get ur good friend and search for ur mother in law family not ur direct in laws, to talk sense into ur mother in law brain cos she's d cos of the problem. I know it'll work then be preparing to relocate ur wife to where u are, that's very important! !!!