Dear Nairalanders, I am a regular on this forum but had to create a new moniker to post this.


Growing up, my father was abusive and hit my mum occasionally. I grew up seeing my mum suffer domestic violence. Eventually, my father abandoned us when I was 9 and moved in with another woman. My mum never remarried. She just focused on my upbringing and raised me alone without my father. My father just didn't care anymore after he left and didn't contribute a dime to my upbringing after he left despite efforts made by friends and family to make him take care of his responsibilities towards me.
After sometime, my mum left everything in the hands of God and focused on catering for me without minding my father.
This made me vow not to ever hit a woman not to talk of my wife because I saw firsthand how my mum suffered and it would be a shame for me to make another woman pass through the same thing my mother passed through.
I also vowed to do all within my power to keep my family one and give my kids the fatherly love I was denied as I know the negative effects of a broken home on children.
Mine is different because I have a God fearing, intelligent and hardworking mother who played the role of both father and mother in bringing me up.

Fast forward to now, I am married with a daughter. Met my wife in 2012 and we have been together ever since.
Now, my wife is a very sweet lady who has stood by me through thick and thin even when business was down sometime ago, she was there for me. Things were so bad that we could barely feed but surprisingly, she stood by me and supported me with prayers and she was even the breadwinner for about 4 months till things got better for me.
For this, I praise her a lot and cherish her for this. I am sure she loves me with her whole heart and I can say to some extent that we are happy together.

Now, the problem is that she takes me for granted sometimes and shows some lack of respect towards me which I am finding it hard to tolerate.
For example:

1. She knows I don't eat pepper. But, occasionally she would prepare meals laced with copious amounts of pepper and pass it for me to eat. This has been happening since 2013 and most times, I get angry and refuse to eat the food. 3 weeks ago, she did the same thing and for one week, I refused to eat her food despite her pleadings. Later, I forgave her and things went back to normal.

2. Sometimes, if she is going somewhere and I tell her to help me do something or buy something for me around the area where she is going to, she would always find an excuse not to do what I asked her to do. It has happened often that I have lost confidence in her.
Last week, she was going somewhere and I gave her some money and some herbal medication to give to a sick friend who lives in that area. To my chagrin, she came back without delivering the message telling me stories of why she couldn't find time to go to my friend's place.

3. This evening, she mentioned that she needed extra 300k to boost her business. This is after I had given her 600k which she asked for initially and another 200k which I didn't budget for. Our house rent is expiring in July and I have to renew it plus other expenses that are lined up. I tried explaining to her that I can't spare 300k now and we had a heated exchange. To my chagrin, she walked out on me and even when I called her back, she didn't listen to me. This is not the first time this kind of a thing is happening.

In all of this, I have never raised my hand to hit her since we met in 2012 all because of my vow never to hit a woman in my life. In the above 3 examples, I have been really tempted to break this vow but I am glad I got hold of myself.
I have told her several times that the day she will push me to the wall and I start hitting her, I would never stop and she will be the one to suffer it. I also told her that if we are to ever separate r divorce, it will never be my fault because I am pro family and I am ready to do all it takes to keep my family together and make sure my kids are brought up with their dad and mum under one roof.

I know within myself that I can never hit her no matter what but on the other hand, I can't tolerate living with a lady that takes me for granted and does not respect me.
I have thought about this.
Had it been I was the type that beat women, I think she would have been respecting me more and not taking me for granted like this.

Now, I am in a dilemma, if this continues, it is either I start hitting her or I walk away from the marriage.
Both options are not what I want but I might just be forced to do one of them and go against my vow.
If it gets worse, the better of the two evils is to walk away from the marriage with my sanity intact and take my daughter along as I would not contemplate hitting my wife because of what my mother passed through.

My dear nairalanders, pls I need your advice on this issue.

From your write up, she don't love you anymore. Are you sure she has not been talking to someone? Instead of beating her, please walk out of the marriage if you can't tolerate her. You do all this for her and no respect and appreciation? Sit her down and communicate it with her... make her see reasons why you guys should have a better and happy home. Set a red line, if she crosses it and you can't tolerate anymore, walk out oo so we don't have another story that touches. If she don't respect you, she's also ready to fight you if you beat her.

Kai some women sha.

Sounds like you need to sit that bitch down and have a candid discussion.

Hmnn dnt knw what to say.




meanwhile




Are you really writing neco,gce or waec this coming one? Pls come to http://onlysage.tk so we can learn by answering and questioning ourself....
Dont get stucked with nairaland.

Are you sure she isn't cheating on you? Or feels you're not man enough for her anymore? There is definitely no reason or explanation for your wife to walk out on you.

2buffagain:
Kai some women sha.

Sounds like you need to sit that bitch down and have a candid discussion.

My dear I don discuss tire.

marsoden:
Are you sure she isn't cheating on you? Or feels you're not man enough for her anymore? There is definitely no reason or explanation for your wife to walk out on you.

Cheating is really one of the reasons a woman can change.... from the disrespect side, I agree with you that she's either cheating or giving another man attention

Keep her tolerating it and keep speaking to her.Hitting her will obviously not change her.
You should have seen this part of her before marriage.That is the importance of courtship,yet you married her,so keep persevering.

2buffagain:
Kai some women sha.

Sounds like you need to sit that bitch down and have a candid discussion.

That 'bitch' someone's wife and mother .

marsoden:
Are you sure she isn't cheating on you? Or feels you're not man enough for her anymore? There is definitely no reason or explanation for your wife to walk out on you.

No, that's not the case. I am 100% sure she isn't cheating on me and would never contemplate doing such.
If she didn't cheat on me when I was down financially and some men were hitting on her, she would not do that now.

thorpido:
Keep her tolerating it and keep speaking to her.Hitting her will obviously not change her.
You should have seen this part of her before marriage.That is the importance of courtship,yet you married her,so keep persevering.

Keep tolerating her till when? And then keep getting disrespected over and over again.
There is a limit to everything my dear

Hmmm women? The best advice is tolerate her for
now

Its a pity you feel the only way you can resolve conflict is by violence.

I would advice you to pray and break every generational curse.
If you want to get things done right, do it yourself. That's an old saying, that works.
If you feel she can't deliver your errands properly, then do them yourself.
Most arguments are avoidable. She asked for 300K. Simply say you don't have, and you're still trying to look for money for your rent. Afterward, just press the ignore button. Choose selective deafness.

The day you lay your hands upon your wife, that's the day your marriage in the true sense of the word will die. She will owe you no allegiance again.
One thing most men don't realise is, most women hardly ever truly forgive.
They may pretend to, they may even act all docile but are patiently waiting for the perfect time to strike back. The perfect time may not be 6months, some can even wait decades to pay back a 'debt'.
There is always a peaceful way to resolve issues most time.
As per the spicy food, people make and sell stews/soups on NL. All looking delicious. Go to the food section. Tell them your requirements about the pepper, and I'm sure they would oblige you.
Keep your own soup separate, and let your wife know this is how soup suitable for you should taste. Its not a fight or quarrel. In fact invite her to partake of the soup.
Just always have a backup in your freezer for days when the pepper gets too much. There are times when you don't get it perfectly right when cooking, it shouldn't really be a big deal. Its just food btw

vanemo:


No, that's not the case. I am 100% sure she isn't cheating on me and would never contemplate doing such.
If she didn't cheat on me when I was down financially and some men were hitting on her, she would not do that now.

Bro, don't be 100% sure. That aspect is too coded for them. Find out why she's behaving that way.... Don't let her use you as ATM machine. Man up and make her to be abit jealous... you too gentle and she knows maybe you too loyal. Change also for her to demand the communication. maybe start coming late and most times act like you don't want to discuss things with her anymore. play with her thought

eyinjuege:
Its a pity you feel the only way you can resolve conflict is by violence.

I would advice you to pray and break every generational curse.
If you want to get things done right, do it yourself. That's an old saying, that works.
If you feel she can't deliver your errands properly, then do them yourself.
Most arguments are avoidable. She asked for 300K. Simply say you don't have, and you're still trying to look for money for your rent. Afterwsrds, just press the ignore button. Choose selective deafness.

No I don't feel the only way to resolve conflict is by violence. If I felt that way, I would have resorted to violence a long time ago.
But I just feel I am being pushed to the wall to do what I don't want to do.
Maybe the disrespect is coming up because she thinks what can he do to me? I think I just need to come up with another effective way to punish her.

obataokenwa:
From your write up, she don't love you anymore. Are you sure she has not been talking to someone? Instead of beating her, please walk out of the marriage if you can't tolerate her. You do all this for her and no respect and appreciation? Sit her down and communicate it with her... make her see reasons why you guys should have a better and happy home. Set a red line, if she crosses it and you can't tolerate anymore, walk out oo so we don't have another story that touches. If she don't respect you, she's also ready to fight you if you beat her.

Haba!
divorce just like that... if you read carefully, he stated his intentions of raising his family under one roof.

you can do better

2buffagain:
Kai some women sha.

Sounds like you need to sit that bitch down and have a candid discussion.

Show some respect for someone's wife. And from the write up, someone's mother.

vanemo:


Keep tolerating her till when? And then keep getting disrespected over and over again.
There is a limit to everything my dear

The last option is to divorce her but that is really the LAST option.Till then work on and around your relationshipIf there are certain things that can bring a conflict between you and you can do those things or sort them yourself,then do that.Handle your errands yourself or get someone else to do it.If you have discovered you can't handle tasks together,then handle it more individually.
If I may ask,how is sex between you both?

obataokenwa:
Bro, don't be 100% sure. That aspect is too coded for them. Find out why she's behaving that way.... Don't let her use you as ATM machine. Man up and make her to be abit jealous... you too gentle and she knows maybe you too loyal. Change also for her to demand the communication. maybe start coming late and most times act like you don't want to discuss things with her anymore. play with her thought

Bro I am 100% sure that cheating is not the case. She has no reason to cheat because I am up and doing sexually and make sure I satisfy her.
Maybe I will start to play with her thoughts as you mentioned and act as if I have changed.

My brother, this story is not complete. Probably because it's one sided. Believe me, if a woman didn't disrespect you when she was the bread winner, then she won't disrespect u now. The only thing I can n think of is that you have done something to her which u fail to acknowledge or even realise. U need to settle down and think things through. Then u should talk to her and most importantly LISTEN to her.

Don't ever think about, I repeat don't ever think about hitting your wife. That could actually spell the end of your marriage and the greatest victim of that would be your child.
May God Himself guide your decisions and preserve this marriage...... Amen

Ryda:











Haba!
divorce just like that... if you read carefully, he stated his intentions of raising his family under one roof.

you can do better

I didn't talk about divorce... I said he should set a red line and if he can't tolerate her anymore... instead of beating, he should walk away. Walking away can be resolved if all things being equal later

obataokenwa:
I didn't talk about divorce... I said he should set a red line and if he can't tolerate her anymore... instead of beating, he should walk away. Walking away can be resolved if all things being equal later

Thank you

thorpido:
The last option is to divorce her but that is really the LAST option.Till then work on and around your relationshipIf there are certain things that can bring a conflict between you and you can do those things or sort them yourself,then do that.Handle your errands yourself or get someone else to do it.If you have discovered you can't handle tasks together,then handle it more individually.
If I may ask,how is sex between you both?

My dear, it is very annoying to know that I can't trust my partner to help me do simple things.
I have fired some of my employees in the past because of incompetence like this.
The sex between us is great as I make sure I satisfy her.

obataokenwa:
Cheating is really one of the reasons a woman can change.... from the disrespect side, I agree with you that she's either cheating or giving another man attention

What about getting real attention from another man? The attention can make women look down on their man or treat them with disdain. What type of business does she do? Especially with regards to meeting other men? Spending time with other men?

Vanemo i beg you in the name of the Lord don't hit her oo please,just pray that the evil spirit that is controlling her bad actions will leave her

vanemo:


Bro I am 100% sure that cheating is not the case. She has no reason to cheat because I am up and doing sexually and make sure I satisfy her.
Maybe I will start to play with her thoughts as you mentioned and act as if I have changed.

OK. Do things yourself without sending her again and play dumb on issue of interest to her. If she cook pepper food, don't alter a word, get something and eat and don't talk abt it... But please don't beat her ooo. play with her thoughts till she demand for communication.

micfoley:
My brother, this story is not complete. Probably because it's one sided. Believe me, if a woman didn't disrespect you when she was the bread winner, then she won't disrespect u now. The only thing I can n think of is that you have done something to her which u fail to acknowledge or even realise. U need to settle down and think things through. Then u should talk to her and most importantly LISTEN to her.

Don't ever think about, I repeat don't ever think about hitting your wife. That could actually spell the end of your marriage and the greatest victim of that would be your child.
May God Himself guide your decisions and preserve this marriage...... Amen

Bro, I said it didn't start today. I noticed it since and I have been trying to manage it ever since hoping that she will change but apparently she has not.
Nobody is perfect but this is one thing I can no longer tolerate.
Some are saying I should have seen signs of things like this during courtship. Yes I saw them but they weren't too obvious and more over she was loyal, supportive then and still is now.
Loyalty is a quality I value a lot and I guess this made me overlook other flaws.
There is a saying that a man knows the true character of her woman when he has nothing and a woman knows the true character of her man when he has everything.
I knew her well when I had nothing and I appreciate her for how supportive she was then. Loyal women are rare.

Op, I will say u should not divorce or hit her no matter what. Sit her down in the middle of the night and pour out your mind to her , telling her how deep you love her and that u don't want to hurt urself 2rue her. Let her know that living peacefully 2geda is all what you want for the sake of ur child and d coming ones. Joke with her and commit everything to God. Do have a happy family.

vanemo:


My dear, it is very annoying to know that I can't trust my partner to help me do simple things.
I have fired some of my employees in the past because of incompetence like this.
The sex between us is great as I make sure I satisfy her.

Since you're the ATM machine, decide what will be bro. The biz you opened for her... keep a straight face and demand for stock taking to be sure she's not careless. Man up and talkless with her... you too loyal...Dont beat.

Op one of her numerous friends just got a Venza as a birthday gift from her husband...Your wife has started having sleepless nights over it.

Just trace am well ...you will know the particular friend and the model of Venza that is trying to destroy ya marriage. Thunder fire Japan!

Julivas:
Op, I will say u should not divorce or hit her no matter what. Sit her down in the middle of the night and pour out your mind to her , telling her how deep you love her and that u don't want to hurt urself 2rue her. Let her know that living peacefully 2geda is all what you want for the sake of ur child and d coming ones. Joke with her and commit everything to God. Do have a happy family.

Thanks for this piece of advice. Will try the middle of the night talk and probably a little feigned change of attitude as someone suggested earlier.

vanemo:


Bro, I said it didn't start today. I noticed it since and I have been trying to manage it ever since hoping that she will change but apparently she has not.
Nobody is perfect but this is one thing I can no longer tolerate.
Some are saying I should have seen signs of things like this during courtship. Yes I saw them but they weren't too obvious and more over she was loyal, supportive then and still is now.
Loyalty is a quality I value a lot and I guess this made me overlook other flaws.
There is a saying that a man knows the true character of her woman when he has nothing and a woman knows the true character of her man when he has everything.
I knew her well when I had nothing and I appreciate her for how supportive she was then. Loyal women are rare.

One good advice from my pastor... "anything you see in courtship will double after marriage"