Afonjashapmouth:
No matter what dont form over familiarity, just respect them and pay your eye service. tongue wagging puts alot of people into problems

Raincolour:
Just be yourself but be nice, friendly and welcoming. No need for over sabi or over familiarity. Follow ur Hubby's cue. You can even ask him if he minds you being in close contact with so so and so. For me, hubby doesn't mind me being close with his immediate family members but has asked me to limit contact with his extended family members. His reason is that he doesn't want them knowing too much about us through me as he feels women are more vulnerable. Na so I respect myself. lolz.

Towerofgrace:
I don't see anything wrong with how you are handling your relationship with your inlaws oo, so far hubby is clear about it and in support. For me my hubby clearly stated he does not want any illegal parapo (association) with my inlaws (his family), so i maintain a "cordial relationship" that's it, no room for over familiarity

Some people don't understand boundaries between them and a couple, which is why it is better to deal with people from afar especially within the confines of marriage, before they would pour sand-sand inside your market.

It is said to be a cliche if you say your husband is your friend, but my dear i don't have any friend i am close to like my hubby, time won't even permit all those friend-friend things when you are trying to build a family, and it has never failed me ever.

From your description being friends with your inlaws sef means you will become a part of the betrayal of trust, gossip, eyeservice campaign group, which is never a good recipe in a home.

Biko just hold you side jare, don't mind all those people saying you won't have anyone to confide in when the time comes, who says you will need anyone to be the judge between you and hubby or your family affairs? i pray that you will never need any external party (inlaws, your family, friends, well-wishers & non well-wishers etc) to get involved in the business of your home, things will never degenerate in your home that you and your hubby won't be able to handle it.

Raincolour:
Just be yourself but be nice, friendly and welcoming. No need for over sabi or over familiarity. Follow ur Hubby's cue. You can even ask him if he minds you being in close contact with so so and so. For me, hubby doesn't mind me being close with his immediate family members but has asked me to limit contact with his extended family members. His reason is that he doesn't want them knowing too much about us through me as he feels women are more vulnerable. Na so I respect myself. lolz.

ikechizoba:


my dear, take this idea...l made a mistake,being too friendly, familiar and open to my husband's family,they were too deep into my marriage, they know everything, l thought l was being a good wife until my sister in-law betrayed me,it was a big blow am yet to recover from, its been a year since but the scare is still there,its been God,if not l for done run since cause the backstabbing was three much for me to carry,so my sister,no over do

AlphaHandMaiden:
Well continue as you have started. Just because you keep to yourself does not mean disrespect or ill-will to any party. Be friendly, polite and respectful but also not over-familiar or be a pushover.

Do not start eye- service or arse-kissing that you cannot continue. Do not join them in any gossip session, let it not be that it is what you said about x y or z that will be tabled at a family meeting or gossip session that you are not present.

Extended families can be a mine-field to navigate and as long as you and your husband are on the same page they you are fine. It also helps if he is also discerning of their characters as you have been, and he also trusts you so that if anyone comes to report that you did a or b, he will defend you because he knows your character and what you are capable of and also know if the reporter is subject to garnishing the narration of events..

You do not need to divulge all your initmate secrets on a regular basis to his siblings or other members of the family for them to intervene if a situation that needs external intervention arises. Any self respecting person who has both your happiness at heart should not hold it against you if you are in need.

Otherwise take any escalating issues to an external independent and professional marriage counsellor. (Not church oh... but that is topic for another day) abi person who be orphan with no siblings no dey marry? Or is their marriage any more likely to fail because they do not have extended family members

As you have seen the eye-service, use wisdom to keep them at arms length. If you are not living in an extended compound, you do not need to deal with them on a regular basis.

Thsi is My own take as i am married into a polygamus family and although many people get along (plenty na eye-service too), there are plenty undercurrents and politics of epic proportions you wouldnt believe.

I follow my husbands lead, because he has lived with them longer than i have and is quite discerning on characters.
Na who e dey call uncle/Sister i dey call uncle / Sister.
Who he kneel down greet,; i do the same.
Who he says hi to or keeps his distance..... i do the same
(Note: he is not much older than me this is why this works oh. If you guy is like 15 years your senior abeg kneee down greet everybody as brother or sister )

I am quite close to his imediate siblings but they are very considerate and sensible so i have not had any issues.

I hug, smile to and respect everyone equally, maintain my boundaries and form aje-butter- salt-no-melting-for-mouth for the rest of the extended family. They will even yab me about it and i go follow them laugh!

At the end of the day my issues is between me and the man i married all the rest na un-neccesary jara!

belladsweet:
Really? Pls could u mind sharing what happend? Would like to learn from u I'm sure others want to. Thanks... and whatever it is, Pls forgive her but neva forget what it thought u and b careful with her too.

belladsweet:
^ Jesus I learnt a lot frm ur story. That ur SiL can kill o. That ur co wife on her lane is wise my dear she get sense. She must have seen it from afar. Let them call her names if they like she knows wat she is doing.

My own mum is late but after my Trad wedding, the woman that stood as my mum told me never to allow most of my in-laws especially the wives know my secret and how I run my home. That was the only advice she kept telling me which I held on to till today. I will never forget that advice. She said I should not allow any of them penetrate my home that I should treat them all with love, respect etc but not allow penetration. That advice weak me till today. May God help us all o.

AlphaHandMaiden:


Very wise words and it is also true for your own family members as well as friends. just because you share blood does not mean that you should share all your internal marital gists as well. this is especially so if your siblings too have issues with your husband, nip any disrespect in the Bud no matter if they are older than the man. Na the eye wey you take carry your house go outside na im people go take look am!

tobianthony:
Although I'm not married but this "staying in your own lane ", kind of caused trouble between myself and the lady I was engaged too in a way .

When we met each other one of the first things I did was to call her mum - as we were childhood friends and had not seen each other in many years . I was overjoyed so I spoke to her mum and told her that her daughter would give her my number and we did the same for my mum too . This single innocent act would spell doom for the relationship .

Her mother and I would speak on the phone all the time . I was very fond of her . She would pray for me all the time . I assumed she spoke to my mum often and knowing my mum she went out of her way to communicate with her ( let's call her F) . My mum does not reside in the country .

Everything was going well until I had an issue with F's mum . Till this day I still believe it was a set up .

She called my phone around past 10 at night ...I saw the call come in but I did not pick up as I was tired and stressed out I just couldn't deal ( mind you I had proposed and was engaged to F and we we're gearing up for our introduction ) with it . I called her in the morning F's mum did not pick up . Called later on she did not pick up.

The next day I called her and she picked up and she asked me why I did this to her ...

I said ," mummy what did I do "

She said ," you gave your phone to your friends to insult me and curse me ,when I called you "

I was lost for words .

She said , " they told me to never call you again and to stop disturbing you " .

I said ," Ma no ...that's not possible perhaps you were connected to someone else's line ..."

She said ," are you calling me a liar " .

I continued to defend myself ...all she kept saying was instead of you to apologise you are arguing with me .

In my mind I knew that if I did such she would own me .

I called later on apologized for arguing with her but still maintained my innocence .

So we ended the conversation . F never believed me .

That was the beginning of the end of that relationship .

I later found out that F only called my mum once and that was to complain about me and F hardly replied her messages on WhatsApp or returned my mum's calls .

When I heard that I couldn't believe it ...I practically said it was lie .

Oh well it was a lesson well learnt .

tobianthony:
Although I'm not married but this "staying in your own lane ", kind of caused trouble between myself and the lady I was engaged too in a way .

When we met each other one of the first things I did was to call her mum - as we were childhood friends and had not seen each other in many years . I was overjoyed so I spoke to her mum and told her that her daughter would give her my number and we did the same for my mum too . This single innocent act would spell doom for the relationship .

Her mother and I would speak on the phone all the time . I was very fond of her . She would pray for me all the time . I assumed she spoke to my mum often and knowing my mum she went out of her way to communicate with her ( let's call her F) . My mum does not reside in the country .

Everything was going well until I had an issue with F's mum . Till this day I still believe it was a set up .

She called my phone around past 10 at night ...I saw the call come in but I did not pick up as I was tired and stressed out I just couldn't deal ( mind you I had proposed and was engaged to F and we we're gearing up for our introduction ) with it . I called her in the morning F's mum did not pick up . Called later on she did not pick up.

The next day I called her and she picked up and she asked me why I did this to her ...

I said ," mummy what did I do "

She said ," you gave your phone to your friends to insult me and curse me ,when I called you "

I was lost for words .

She said , " they told me to never call you again and to stop disturbing you " .

I said ," Ma no ...that's not possible perhaps you were connected to someone else's line ..."

She said ," are you calling me a liar " .

I continued to defend myself ...all she kept saying was instead of you to apologise you are arguing with me .

In my mind I knew that if I did such she would own me .

I called later on apologized for arguing with her but still maintained my innocence .

So we ended the conversation . F never believed me .

That was the beginning of the end of that relationship .

I later found out that F only called my mum once and that was to complain about me and F hardly replied her messages on WhatsApp or returned my mum's calls .

When I heard that I couldn't believe it ...I practically said it was lie .

Oh well it was a lesson well learnt .

Jahblessme:
@ikechizoba
This is what you get when you buy into the husband family/ in-law worship naija women are fed daily.

This is what you get when you bend over backwards and carry husband family for head like gala and denigrating your own family to back row just to gain acceptance.

How long have you known your SIL/MIL that you exposed secrets that you have been unable to tell your own family?
You had a CS and so what? Is it something to be ashamed of? And so even if you are hiding is it your own mother you should hide it from?

If a bullet comes who will take it for you your own family or your in-laws.
Someone can be like a mother but should not replace yours,someone can be like a sister but cannot replace yours.

I'm glad you have seen with your own eyes that when push comes to shove you are nothing and will be sacrificed for personal gain as the bond isn't deep.The kind of loyalty you are giving husband family what have they done to earn it?How on earth did you think SIL would have your back? How long has she known you?

I spend 4-5 months with parents in law at my home at a go and we get along very well however I know if push comes to na me them go throw to wolves first and I expect that as their son comes first.I accord everyone their own respect but I'm firmly sticking to my lane,building an inheritance for my kids and planning cruises for hubby and I.No time for uneccesary familiarity.

My own life
Husband family----------------------------------------------------------me------my family.

Husband family------------------husband------------------------------------my family.


Remember friendships take time to develop,take your time get to know them and if they earn your trust give it but if you run in expecting loyalty and love from nowhere you will be bitterly disappointed.