Interviewer: How much milk do these
cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the
brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I
see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you
keep asking which one when the answers
are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine

Interviewer: Abeg Shift let me faint

MAD MAN: Doctor, i have a problem; everyday i dream of cows playing football

DOCTOR: Here; take these tablets at night

MAD MAN: I'll start tomorrow because today is finals

LoL

An eleven year old girl realised that she had started 2 grow hair between her legs. She got worried & asked her mom about the hair. Her mom calmly said , that part where hair has grown is called a monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair. Next morning at breakfast , she told her sister "my monkey has grown hair ". Her elder sister smiled and said, dat's nothing , mine is already eating bananas.... mom fainted .

A little warning to guys this valentine. . Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi didn't just wake up & became the best players. They trained for a long time. So if your girl is so good in bed, My brother, I've got a bad news for u

If you ever go to PAKISTAN, this is HOW TO CROSS ROAD IN PAKISTAN.. Look left and right for Cars and Bikes, Look up for Aeroplane, Look down for Bomb, Look back for Kidnappers, Hold ur bag tight and watch the person beside u, Then walk in a Zigzag manner to avoid stray Bullets...

I once taught my nephew to skip the first
"H". when reading or pronouncing some
English words (eg honour, honest, hour
etc ) later that day I texted him to HEAT my
Lunch in the microwave...... ...... I nearly
beat the little idiot!!!!!!! !!!

Times are really hard.
Amazing. I boarded a taxi, knowing fully well that I have no money to pay.
When I reached my destination, I got out of the car and fled. Unfortunately, there was also a policeman in the taxi. He immediately went down and pursued me. I started running in zig-zag, he took out his pistol, for fear pf death, I stopped and raised my hands up ... he pointed his gun at me and said: you thought I wanted to arrest u? I also don't have money for the taxi. .. keep running ... I follow you!
........

Nice, keep em coming

ItsBolaji:
Nice, keep em coming

Thanks man

*TODAY SOMEBODY DECIDED TO CAUSE TROUBLE!!!* He went to a RESTAURANT and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, he took out his phone and made a very loud phone call, saying, "My friend, your wife is here with another man just come and see" Nine ladies DISAPPEARED!!

Did you know??...In the early 20th century, Arsenal Soccer Club had a player called John
Dicks. When he was injured, the
Newspapers wrote "Arsenal to play without
Dicks". The coach was so upset with the news headlines, so the Newspapers changed the headline to read as "Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A large number of women showed up and fill the stadium to watch the match

gqboyy:
Did you know??...In the early 20th century, Arsenal Soccer Club had a player called John
Dicks. When he was injured, the
Newspapers wrote "Arsenal to play without
Dicks". The coach was so upset with the news headlines, so the Newspapers changed the headline to read as "Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A large number of women showed up and fill the stadium to watch the match

this is fvcking mad

There was a Bus Conductor, who was Very Rude to his passengers. � � � �
One day, a Beautiful Young Girl, of around 18 Years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop
the bus.
Unfortunately, the beautiful young girl fell under the bus and died on the spot. � � � � �
Angry passengers � � � �took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The Judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. � � � �
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though, he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly.....!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion..?? but, died instantly the second time....??

Okay........ here is the Answer............
During the first time The Conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But, during the second time, he was a Good Conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!! Physics never goes wrong....
.
.
Don't look at me...!!
I am also looking for the Person who sent me this.������

I called an old University classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed.
However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

I forgot my phone at home while going to Work.. I came back and saw 23 missed calls from our house maid..� When I asked her why she called ? She said "I want tell you that you forgot your phone at home" �������� Please, where is she from

There is no privacy in Nigeria, How can you be using your phone in a bus and someone will say..... Bros, scroll back Up small, I no see that girl picture well.

This is too funny

My neighbor was sick and invited a native doctor. I warned and pleaded with him, begged him to wait for God's time but he refused, So I left him. He went inside his house with the native doctor, so after the native doctor finished doing his enchantment, he told my neighbor that the sickness is incurable but can be transferred to another person and my neighbour greedily agreed. The native doctor then told my neighbour that the 1st person that will enter his house, he should shout "taarh" and the sickness will transfer to the person and the person will die, except d person reply with retaarh to backfire. my neighbour agreed and the native doctor left in a hurry, forgetting to collect his money for the service he had offered. My neighbour sat down in his parlour and kept his door open waiting for the first victim that will pass through that door. The native doctor then remembered that he forgot to collect his money and decided to go back and collect it. Immediately the native doctor entered, my neighbour shouted "taarh" and the native doctor shouted "retaarh" and my neighbour shouted again “reretaaarh" the native doctor replied “retartartarh".
This noise started since yesterday morning and up till now they are both shouting “rerererererere
rererererererererereretaaaaaaaaarrrhhhh"...
Who will stop and die for who?...

I just slapped a soldier in front of his barrack. He has run back to call his squad. Should I stay to defend my right or quickly leave to save my body?�����

Rochas says he wants to erect my statue at Orlu roundabout:I told him to give me the N500m,I will go & stand there myself..LMAO

I have a side chick who is a police officer. When she misses me, she just come to my house in uniform and arrest me in presence of my wife and takes me to her home till the next day. Then she brings me back and tell my wife “we are not done with the investigations yet. I shall pick him up anytime we want more from him“ And my innocent wife will always say: 'madam officer, we thank God for you oo'.

I paid a dear friend a visit. His wife served us supper with plenty meat, yet their kids had only sliced onions n tomatoes on their meals to eat. After the meal, I asked my friend why we had this plenty meat and his kids had none. He said "what should I do, when they say they won't eat monkey?
Since yesterday I'm still vomiting

Akpos went to church one Sunday, the pastor was sharing his testimony. He started like this “ Last week, I ran short of money. To the extent that I can not even provide food for my family. With faith, I told my wife lets go the supper market and buy some things. “But you said you don’t have money ” said my wife. I told her she should not worry that God will provide. After picking the items we need, I joined the payment queue. My wife looked at me and said “I can see you want to disgrace me, am going.” After petting and expressing my strong feeling that God will make a way, she calmed down. When it was my turn to make payment, an old friend of mine entered. He shouted my name, we hugged and shared life experience. Just like a film, he paid for all my items and gave me 20,000 Naira to take care of my family.” The whole congregations were screaming with joy. “Lord is good, Lord is faithful” Akpos said to himself “I MUST TRY THIS” The next day, Akpos appeared in a supper market without a penny. He was parking any item he can lay his hands on. When it was his turn to pay, the cashier said “Sir your money is N50,000”. Akpos said “That’s a chicken change! Just give me a minute” After 20minutes piccolo a 20years old friend enter and saw Akpos and shouted, "Akpors where is my money!? Akpos fainted!

gqboyy:
I just slapped a soldier in front of his barrack. He has run back to call his squad. Should I stay to defend my right or quickly leave to save my body?�����

When you are not a coward, stay and defend your right jor, who born them?

vivie01:


When you are not a coward, stay and defend your right jor, who born them?

If things go sour I go tell say u are my accomplice oo

gqboyy:

If things go sour I go tell say u are my accomplice oo

Things go sour ke? You dey fear? No be your fundamental human right you dey fight for? Just mention me ehn, in fact call me make I come help you fight for your right, no shaking!

vivie01:

Things go sour ke? You dey fear? No be your fundamental human right you dey fight for? Just mention me ehn, in fact call me make I come help you fight for your right, no shaking!

Yeahh!! We go crush their balls like eggs, no shaking! We don't take shit from nobody!!

How to Kill an Ant. Mix powdered pepper and sugar & keep it outside the ant’s hole for it to eat. After eating it, the ant will search for some water near a water tank. When it's near the water tank, push it into the tank but don't allow it get drowned. Now the ant is wet and will go to dry itself near a fireplace. When it reaches the fireplace, put a bomb into the fire. Boom! The ant is now injured with 3rd degree burns. Take the wounded ant to the ICU. There the ant will be put on the ventilator and feel safe in the hospital. However at night, sneak into the ant's room and remove the oxygen mask from its mouth. The ant will gasp for breath and finally die from suffocation. DONE!

A man went to Church
on Sunday and gave
testimony that he was
infected with Monkey
Pox and God had healed
him. When he had
finished, he tried to give
the mic to the 2nd man
but the 2ND Man
refused to take it:



2ND MAN- I have no
testimony. Give it to
Pastor.





PASTOR- I'm not in
charge of testimonies
so give it to the Senior
Pastor.




SENIOR PASTOR-
Brother in Christ, the
mic is yours. It's a gift
from the Church. You
may take it home.

Mosquitoes of nowadays have
no respect again.
They will come to your ears and
start singing;
'If I tell you say I love you oo.
Your body, your blood na my own ooo baby. 30
litres for my
tummy ooo. Malaria and
sickness for
your body o baby...'


A smart guy like me will just
shaperly compose my own track; 'Are you
done
talking?' Are you done talking?'
'Mosquito are you done
talking?'. Sniper fall on you!
Otapiapia fall on you! Coil fall on you! Cos I will
kill you eeeeehhhh eeeehhh!.

HUSBAND: My wife where are you?

WIFE: At home love.

HUSBAND: Are you sure?

WIFE: Yes.

HUSBAND: Turn on the blender.

WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye.

Another day
HUSBAND: My wife where are you?

WIFE: At home love

HUSBAND: Are you sure?

WIFE: Yes

HUSBAND: Turn on the blender

WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye

The next day, the husband decides to go home
without notice, and finds his son alone and he
asked him son where is your mother?

SON: I don’t know, she went out with the
blender.