Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by HenryCavill: 12:36pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Interesting post although it reeks of pride. 1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it. 2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it 3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering. Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents. Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering. Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy. You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation. I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose. I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item" You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you. I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws. Trivia: They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.
Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation. Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.
And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.
And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.
I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.
But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.
Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.
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Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by KIDfurniture(m): 12:37pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Women suffer more - some girls have nothing but their honey pot and strength / energy in bed to a wealthy son - parents of the boy might insist but eventually they agree the girl will be treated like a nobody till she hustle for her own cash - I can marry the daughter of a fufu seller - all I need is a girl with genuine fear of God plus a balanced home training - I started from zero now I’m on number 32 all by myself with the help of God ~
Show me a girl that makes money with her hands and brain only and I will make myself available for marriage - poor family + poor family still yield and produce endless wealth if they trust God Only and work hard together-
A family that prays together stays together - money gives birth to respect in the society wey we dey now - even in the church u will be respected by the Pastor .
Money is very important - it gives you confidence but always remain humble oh 2 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Boss13: 12:37pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Apination: It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience. ![undecided](https://www.nairaland.com/faces/undecided.png) You Comment like someone who is not married. The poster has given a very valuable advice from his experience. Reading this you can decipher from a man who is matured and understands consequences. Learn from him 3 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by gidjah(m): 12:39pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Don't know who to commend amongst you two with relation to spoken grammer, Una go kill me with this Una polish grammer o!all the same guys like you two are part of the reasons for my ever wanting to appreciate my dear Dad for the great impact he had on me grammer wise and what have you.That man na grammer book o, he can fit speak sound English for Africa!! Kobicove: Don't let anyone fool you, money is very important when it comes to sustaining a marriage in Nigeria.
By the way OP, the quality of your grammar is a testament to the fact that you went to good schools...that means your parents were relatively well-off to have been able to afford such schools ![smiley](https://www.nairaland.com/faces/smiley.png) |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Belafonte(m): 12:40pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Intrepid01:
Hmmm..Nigerians and their unfounded statistical figures...All woman don't think like this...I've met and I know women who do t reason like this at all....My Cousin's husband ....from his own mouth, told me how his FIL (who was notably rich) told him I have no expectation for you, told him he never started from the top too and my Cousin was a type of woman sent to him from heaven....he told me all this with his own mouth.
The fact that we now have more ladies who do not have believe marriage values anymore or have faulty perception about marriage doesn't make it a general case.....The problem we all seem to be addressing from different angles; be it politics, marriage, religion etc...is the fast evading "Family Value" that is built on morality, loyalty, God's submission rather than societal dictate. Ok, most women. Sorry sir. |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Humanistme: 12:40pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
HenryCavill: Interesting post although it reeks of pride. 1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it. 2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it 3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.
Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents.
Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering. Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy.
You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation.
I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.
I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item"
You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.
I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.
3 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Daeylar(f): 12:44pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Thank you, I'm still looking for the lesson to learn in his story, ?? Apart from the slapping part which I'm very disgusted by, especially the reason he gave for not slapping her, I find his post very unsettling. HenryCavill: Interesting post although it reeks of pride. 1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it. 2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it 3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.
Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents.
Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering. Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy.
You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation.
I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.
I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item"
You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.
I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.
5 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by emmyfrenzy(m): 12:46pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Apination: It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience. ![undecided](https://www.nairaland.com/faces/undecided.png) Rightly and well said!! But then, understanding is needed. There is only so much a woman can bear....especially if she came from a very wealthy home. Although i think she should have seek consent from her husband before going to her parents for assistance. 1 Like |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by tosyne2much(m): 12:46pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
This kind of marriage is obviously built on comfort and materials things and nothing else.
This show that the wife in question cannot withstand the storm of marriage which made her sell her husband cheaply to her family members
I have seen women who stick to their husbands and paid loyalty to them even when the men lost virtually everything they laboured for. Those are the kinds of women we need in our lives not women that are only after comfort
Oga writer, you need to prepare the part two of your story when things get a bit messy the second time 6 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by omooba969(m): 12:46pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Belafonte:
Love is a fantasy that we have chosen to build our realities on. Of course, like all false foundations the building begins to crumble sooner or later.
We all know what family is. Parents can love their children, unconditionally, I'm not sure people can love their spouses the way they want to be loved.
Amount of money is relative, tbh. The most important thing for me would be to be with someone who has an innate sense of contentment and has simple tastes. You can make a million a month and still feel pressure to provide more if you're married to a materialistic woman.
Money consciousness is a female thing. Children born in poor homes still love their fathers. Men with literally no job and no money still get love from their children. If a family is too money-conscious, the first person I suspect for that shallowness is the woman of the house.
PS: There's a reason why marriage in the old days was what it was. Women didn't start being this way last year, it is an innately female thing to want to pursue the materialistic. I see marriage going back to what is was in the days of our grandfathers or getting phased out eventually. This current system is totally unsustainable. 1 Like
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Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Bester44(m): 12:48pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Kobicove: Don't let anyone fool you, money is very important when it comes to sustaining a marriage in Nigeria.
By the way OP, the quality of your grammar is a testament to the fact that you went to good schools...that means your parents were relatively well-off to have been able to afford such schools ![smiley](https://www.nairaland.com/faces/smiley.png) Is this a joke or what? The first time I ever bought a textbook with my own money was when I turned 25. This is to let you know that I attended the worst of schools anyone can think of because I had no parents. Now my place among the top language users and writers? That's definitely assured. |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by ivolt: 12:51pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
MahatmaGhandi:
I disagree, it has nothing to do with him being an egotistic dictator, did you read about the attitude during visits. His kids were not out of school all he wanted was live within his means and there is nothing wrong with that. A man is the head of his home and should be able to make key decisions on the direction of his family. A woman should not marry a man in whose leadership skills she does not believe. The attitude of the parents are like those who were pressured into accepting their daughter's husband, such husband should expect such behaviors and never be surprised by it, I am confident they have displayed such behavior before his marriage. The bold is the problem in many homes. Many men are trying to replicate a model marriage that doesn't exist in reality and it always leads to disappointment. Marriage is never black and white, if you live near close elderly couples you can ask them about it. There is no decision that must be unilaterally taken by the man unless he is an expert in such field. "A man is the head of the home" is a meaningless cliche because at the end of the day, some of his decisions must be rejected regardless of his financial status. Even in the old days where the relationship was more or less a master-slave one, husbands still get spurned by their wives on some particular "key" decisions. When some wives are said to be obedient, it is not because they alwaysobey their husband. Women don't marry because they need leaders, they marry for security, that is how it has always been. In this particular case, would he have felt slighted if his children got scholarships into the same school his in-laws had suggested? No of course, he won't even think twice about it. His desire to prove his independence to in-laws who don't care is the main cause of the problems when he doesn't need to prove anything. Even if he becomes a Zuckerberg tomorrow, the in-laws won't stop "advising" their daughter at least in non-financial matters because that is who they are. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by madridguy(m): 12:51pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Very deep and thoughtful. I admire your writing skill. |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Nobody: 12:52pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Another insecure man thread. 8 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by MosesAlex: 1:00pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Trivia:
I never thought of it in that light. But I understand you. You are right Who told you, your wife does not love you enough? Is anyone above mistakes? That she got somethings wrong does not mean she does not love you. Nobody is perfect. 2 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Nobody: 1:04pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
when your wife's parents are responsible for your upkeep or they've helped or are helping you financially, expect to be remote controlled. that aside , most rich and comfortable wives are rarely submissive , in fact they want to control the man , especially when he is not as rich as they are. |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Enmas078(m): 1:04pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
I really really appreciate this at OP.... Educative.... May we find more of this stuff on Nairaland and not that of BBnaija. |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by MahatmaGhandi: 1:05pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
A competition is not the right place for a coach to dispose the athlete of his batton and then run his race. A coach seeks to provide guidance and not destroy the confidence of the athlete. Taking the Batton means he has failed and he would react and hate you as a coach.
A car cannot have two drivers, you can only have the driver and his first-mate or driversmate. If another driver would interfere with the driving of your car it has to be with your consent. Nobody is allowed to shout "drive to ikorodu" and you start driving if ikorodu is not your destination. If the drivers mate sees there is traffic in the route, he tells the driver and they talk about it. You don't tell the driver of your former car to talk to the driver of the car that you are in. If the car is running low on fuel the driver is able to see it and look for fuel. But then If the driver looking at his dash board knows that the fuel in his tank can take them to where they are going but the driversmate doesn't seem to share his view there is such a thing called the benefit of doubt. If they cannot reach an agreement then a time might come when driver and driversmate might have to pathways. There are times where even danfo drivers transfer passengers from their buses to another one because the bus is bad. But it is usually the decision of the danfo driver and his conductor not the driver of another danfo. To all the ladies out there please do not join a vehicle that is driven by a driver you do not trust and for guys don't take a drivers-mate that have no confidence in your driving at least for the sake of your passengers please don't. If you have passengers already you must ensure that they get to their destination safe and sound, please don't leave your passengers stranded. They will not forgive you. 5 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Boss13: 1:06pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Trivia:
Much obliged. There is nothing new under the sun. Someone somewhere would've experienced this circumstance. I wish I had learnt from that person earlier. My hope is that after reading of my experience, a young man looking to get married to a girl from a wealthy house will open his eyes more. It is not as some may think- that its a meal ticket. Unless that man is ready to sell his 'manhood' and wear the skirt in his house, he has his work cut out for him
You are a matured and wise man and possibly have deep analytical skills, because you were so close in losing your family. What you have written is nothing short but the truth. Wealth is very important with happiness and respect in a family. Infact a man with wealthy may choose to act the way he wants. I do not blame your wife from rushing to her parents for support, but I would blame her parents for not rendering sound advice, being that they too struggled before becoming rich. Also, they should be more matured party. I am also glad you were able to get your game going on and now you must quadruple your hustle because you know the outcome if you lose sight of the goal. Still have a healthy conversation with your wife about how you felt and how disappointed you were. If you can, have a healthy discussion with your in-laws, now that the respect is back. If possible, limit your in-laws interference in your family affair. Learnt from your experience too. I wish you the best of luck and a fulfilling marriage. 1 Like |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by BabbanBura(m): 1:08pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Apination:
Money is good as you said and I agree, but just what if you lose everything, do u think she would choose to remain and work with you till u move up or pack out to her parents house, which u are so afraid of? Let me be blunt, your wife doesn't love u as much as you think. If she cannot be contented with whatever u can bring to the table at any point in time and work things out with you as her husband if she feels it's not sufficient but would instead run to her parents by making u look weak and giving them the impression that you cannot be a man that they have to start providing for your family through gifts, then u are still living in denial. You said they respect u now cos u send them gifts and cash, what if there comes a time u don't have as it has already happened, would u still be respected? Marriages have always been between families, it's not something new but how many of your friends have the same issues as yourself, with their wives undermining them and making a ridicule of them before their parents? And I still stand by what I said, that ur marriage is one of convenience cos if she cannot stand by u in the bad times forgetting that it hasn't always been like that and could get better by not giving u the respect u deserve as u pointed out, then I don't know what else it's. Character as I said is the issue not money. Well said bro. The true character of love shows up better in the dark than in the light - The woman has demonstrated a bad character, albeit innocently or her true values, by exposing you to the redicule, disrespect and dictatorship of her parents instead of covering your unclothedness and working behind the scene to get you to your feet without anyone getting to know and disregarding you. I had a girl that went to her mother to collect money for me disguise as money to take care of meeting her needs. I judiciously used that money and in return i trained all the younger ones in school and inproved the biz of the mum but no one, till today which is some 5 years after, knew that it was for me she collected that money, and no one knew that it was that money that propelled me to become who i am today. Ladies, stand and hustle with your man, if you must go out to raise help, do not expose him or present him as incapable, let not the help u try to offer rob him of his respect as a man 5 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by olaboy1: 1:11pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
When we tell Nigerian men to stop attracting their future wives with money, they think we are stupid for saying that. They come up with all kinds of excuses why they must spend and forget that it’s either you attract women with your money or your charisma.
You are lucky your wive’s parents are rich so she has a financial shelter to run under. Generally this is how such Nigerian marriages play out
Guy meets a university girl and use money to attract her, goes further to support her future in laws also. After some years in marriage guy struggles financially Guy becomes depressed and stop loving because he has never trained himself to give love without money Wife starts complaining that husband has changed and wondering what’s going on.... husband thinks wife is nagging One morning argument starts and husband hits his wife. Wife is beaten to a state of coma and dies in the hospital Husband’s eyes become clear that he is now a murderer and a beast They transfer him from Kirikiri to maximum Kuje prison Abuja far away from family visits He relives all the memories of how they met, the murder scene and the beast he has become Then a part of him really wants to start this all over again. He picks a pen and writes a love song in prison (love is wicked) He could only come up with 99 good moments with his dead wife and all are base on money money money He dawns on him that money is the root of all evil and if only I had just been myself and allowed her to love me naturally. 6 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Nobody: 1:13pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
HenryCavill: Interesting post although it reeks of pride. 1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it. 2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it 3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.
Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents.
Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering. Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy.
You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation.
I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.
I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item"
You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.
I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.
it goes both ways. a wife will also not be comfortable if the husband is overly dependent on his parents it is the same issues that would be coming up - the parents / family making decisions for the husband just as in the case of her parents, the husband's parents will also feel they are doing what is best for their son, while causing friction 5 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by oshaosha2014(m): 1:18pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Shut The Fuuuuuck Up!! You are not a man so I have nothing to say to your empty skull. Idiots like you would prefer to condition men to your believe system. Pataricatering: the problem with you men is your ego will never let you be reasonable ! Do you make decisions according to what’s good for your ego or what’s good for your children / family ? If you are in a situation where your children can’t eat would you refuse your in laws help because you feel too big ? A lot of the meanings you read into situations must have been subjective - I know a couple where the guys father paid for a school his son could not afford because he wanted quality education for his grandkids - exactly the same thing your wife’s parents wanted to do ! I t wasn’t a big deal because it was the mans parents paying ! Why would you hinder your children’s future because of your ego ? A couple I know eventually divorced because the girl wanted to have their child or in America but the guy could not afford it - her parents decided to pay but the guy still insisted she should never t travel because he was not the one paying ! Why would you refuse your child the opportunities ty knowing how much easier being an American citizen would make his life You men feel your egos must be worshipped like how God is worshipped - just complete nonsense ! 13 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by R0ckefeller: 1:21pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
money with wisdom and strength to control your anger |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by HenryCavill: 1:22pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
I totally agree with you. What I don't totally agree with is the conclusion the op reached and the message his story is passing across. Mind you from his story, he didn't say they were taking decisions like dictating how he "should rule his household" He was focused on the financial aspect of their assistance. Note he didn't complained they never came to visit who even complains about in-laws not visiting? When they stepped in during the time his finances were not too good, the only example he could give was that of school and "luxury food item" and to me those scenarios do not hold water. It's why I said he should decide the kind of relationship he wants to have with them, and stop crying when they interfere/don't interfere in his business. oyb:
it goes both ways. a wife will also not be comfortable if the husband is overly dependent on his parents
it is the same issues that would be coming up - the parents / family making decisions for the husband
just as in the case of her parents, the husband's parents will also feel they are doing what is best for their son, while causing friction 5 Likes |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Nobody: 1:22pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Trivia: They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.
Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation. Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.
And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.
And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.
I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.
But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.
Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.
This guy... I respect your writing skills. The message is clear and your grammar is legit. Kudos bro... 1 Like |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by HenryCavill: 1:24pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
We need more people like you in this world. *Doffs hat* Pataricatering: the problem with you men is your ego will never let you be reasonable ! Do you make decisions according to what’s good for your ego or what’s good for your children / family ? If you are in a situation where your children can’t eat would you refuse your in laws help because you feel too big ? A lot of the meanings you read into situations must have been subjective - I know a couple where the guys father paid for a school his son could not afford because he wanted quality education for his grandkids - exactly the same thing your wife’s parents wanted to do ! I t wasn’t a big deal because it was the mans parents paying ! Why would you hinder your children’s future because of your ego ? A couple I know eventually divorced because the girl wanted to have their child or in America but the guy could not afford it - her parents decided to pay but the guy still insisted she should never t travel because he was not the one paying ! Why would you refuse your child the opportunities ty knowing how much easier being an American citizen would make his life You men feel your egos must be worshipped like how God is worshipped - just complete nonsense ! |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by seunjungle1(m): 1:28pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
@Trivia and Apilation kudos to you guys...Trivia thanks for the words and Apilation thanks from the light you threw. God bless! |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by oshaosha2014(m): 1:30pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
God may be blessing you because of them. I am quite sure you are rich. God bless you more. Troublemaker007:
Bro, your case is even good. Mine, I am not just the bread winner in my family but the bakery to my wife’s family, my only sister, her husband (jobless) and daughter plus anothe baby on the way, my aunt who single handily sponsored me to school and her family (3 kids and a jobless husband who got fired last two years from his lecturing job). Sometimes I feel like running away with my wife. 1 Like |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Xbee007(m): 1:36pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Wow, been long that I read this kind of thought provoking post on Nairaland. A million thanks to you OP for sharing this. |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Boss13: 1:41pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Kolababe:
Hello bro, let me tell you something. Don't accept what someone here said abt ur wife not loving you. She loves you. Instead think abt what another person said that, she ran to her parents cos she was used to luxury. The fact that she still stayed with u is enough proof that she actually loves you. See her occasional nagging and being married into such a family as a life long motivation to be a better man I agree with you 100%. Those making that kind of statements are those not living with a woman. If she didn’t love him, she would have left for her parent’s home. After all, they were more willingly to take her. She loves him, but also wants comfort. Would you blame or fault her for her decision to meet her parents, no I won’t. I would however blame the in-laws for not acting matured. Well, life can be ironic. So glad the OP got himself back. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Lessons From Marrying From A Rich Family by Nobody: 1:43pm On Feb 17, 2018 |
Trivia: Much obliged. There is nothing new under the sun. Someone somewhere would've experienced this circumstance. I wish I had learnt from that person earlier. My hope is that after reading of my experience, a young man looking to get married to a girl from a wealthy house will open his eyes more. It is not as some may think- that its a meal ticket. Unless that man is ready to sell his 'manhood' and wear the skirt in his house, he has his work cut out for him I understand your point perfectly, but its not about being wary about marrying a girl with a wealthy background. Even if one decides to marry a pepper seller's daughter, her family may still become rich one day, what then? As someone rightly said, the important thing is to marry a mature, realistic and industrious/resourceful woman. She may have a combination of other attributes, but as long as she has those 3, and the man is responsible, caring etc, there'll be fulfilment. I've always said contentment is relative. A girl's idea of relaxing may be flying to Hawaii and knocking down Cosmos, but a realistic girl will enjoy snuggling up beside a guy she loves and watch Netflix. Its not settling for less, its being realistic. That's assuming its a girl that was born into that lifestyle anyway, a girl from a humble background that has never experienced the good life may insist on being with a guy that can help her enjoy life tho. Such girls are after the perks of being in a relationship, they're not interested in helping a guy grow, they want a guy who can help them live the good life from the get go 1 Like |