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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Religion / Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair (973 Views)
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Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair by 9jagobetta: 8:47pm On Feb 17, 2015 |
1. Uncover the cause of the affair. Barring sexual addiction or individual pathology, affairs tend to be symptomatic of a relational problem. It is therefore essential to uncover the underlying problem as quickly as possible in order to de-escalate relational strife—which exacerbates the offender’s need to take solace in a lover’s arms. 2. Consider your history. Affairs runs in families. If, for example, one of your parents had an affair you may model this behavior in real time in an effort to get your needs met. Learning to be assertive and express your desires directly can be helpful in breaking this generational transmission process. 3. The offender must take responsibility for having the affair. If the offending partner fails to show remorse, the probability for reparation is slim. The same can be said if the offender refuses to apologize. The expression of anger alone provides less opportunity for healing. 4. The non-offending spouse must accept responsibility for making a contribution to the system that produced the affair. Because an affair is often symptomatic of a dysfunctional relationship dynamic both parties probably have —in some way—contributed to the dynamic. A refusal on the victim’s part to take responsibility may only serve to fuel the offender’s anger, and justify the act of betrayal in the offender’s mind. Unfortunately, too many victims view this systemic concept as “blaming the victim.” 5. Each partner should have a chance to vent. Most offending mates want to repress discussion of the affair. However, the victimized partner should be allowed an appropriate amount of time to vent feelings, including anger. Time is up, however, if venting is used primarily as a battering ram to humiliate and torture the offender. The offending partner should be allowed to register complaints against the mate and the marital system. 6. Empathize with one another. Because it usually takes two to produce an affair, it might be more helpful to openly recognize and acknowledge the pain each of you are experiencing. 7. Don’t retaliate in kind against the offending spouse. Some couples turn an affair into a power struggle. If your partner has cheated try not to respond in kind; this may only put the so-called “nail in the coffin” of your relationship. If you’re ego-dystonic with cheating, you may only shame yourself by your retribution. 8. Remember the good times. Try not to forget the pleasant experiences you shared with your partner. Waxing nostalgic sometimes encourages a greater effort to save a relationship. 9. The offending spouse should stop all contact with the lover. The offending partner must cease all contact with the lover. This is essential to rebuilding trust in the primary relationship. If the offender has dabbled in the workplace, quitting or transferring to another department might be a welcomed sign of marital loyalty, if economically feasible of course. 10. The victimized spouse should never pursue the partner’s lover. The idea is to de-triangulate the lover not bring the lover deeper into your relationship. The problem lies between the two spouses and should be kept there. Besides, confronting your partner’s lover might prove to be dangerous. 11. Keep the lines of communication open. Because our society seems to hold a certain fascination with affairs, it’ll be hard to escape the past. Television, movies, music, and even some random gossip will serve as reminders of your trauma. It’s important for each partner to remain patient and empathic, and to continue to allow for productive discussion on the topic as the need arises. Repression may enable a festering of the problem. If you and your partner can successfully negotiate these eleven steps perhaps each of you will forgive yourselves and one another for the trauma of the affair. It won’t be easy—it’ll take a maximum effort on both sides to save the relationship—and only the two of you can decide whether it’s worth the effort. Be free to add your own ideas and soluti |
Re: Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair by 9jagobetta: 4:31pm On Sep 12, 2018 |
you can surely add a good idea |
Re: Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair by 9jagobetta: 10:34am On Sep 17, 2018 |
Treat everyone equally according to his or her dignity. This will certainly help you make a healthy relationship with people around you. 08020621510 |
Re: Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair by sonmvayina(m): 12:55pm On Sep 17, 2018 |
My wife recently put to bed our first daughter, in fact she is 2 months old today.. I suggested we stopped having sex a month to delivery so as to avoid any "story that torch" as her pressure was rising.. She successfully put to bed via CS, and we have been both happy.. Seex was the last thing on my mind as I was happy I had a pretty daughter and wife alive after the whole experience.. About 3 weeks after I over heard her asking her friend when she resumed sex after her own operation.. The answer was exactly 1month as she said she needed to heel.. I got in and, told her I will wait 5weeks..she said OK too.., so after 5weeks,i approached her but I got a heavy refusal. Last weekend I went to Abuja on official assignment and met an old girl friend who hosted me on Friday to Saturday.. We ended up having the most memorable night of our life as we gave each other multiple orgasms through out the night.. Now wify has seen our our chat, which I forgot to delete cos of NEPA.. She is raising hell.. What do I do? |
Re: Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair by 9jagobetta: 8:21pm On Sep 18, 2018 |
sonmvayina: Hmmmmmmm that's serious oo you have to soberly apologise to her oo and find something to hard to your story that will make it seem unintentional mistake, you should know your wife better, then it all depend on the content of your chat she read too, it's not like you should tell lies, but that's the only way it can work with women, don't ever blame her... don't even try that line, take all the blame make her feel like you didn't know what came over you, you were like as if charmed.. blah blah... all is just to save your marriage and gain her trust back, because bro, you're in a serious jam. just my own opinion, get more advice if still needed... and let's see if we'll have more viable contributions. good luck. 1 Like |
Re: Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair by sonmvayina(m): 10:15pm On Sep 18, 2018 |
9jagobetta:Thank a lot, she has not said anything about it since yesterday, but the occasional "bad eye" Will try my best to sort it out as we are just 2 years old in the marriage |
Re: Eleven Steps To Recovering From An Extramarital Affair by 9jagobetta: 10:16am On Sep 19, 2018 |
sonmvayina: well, I am 15 years in marriage, I had my flaws too, was never a saint, but enjoy the grace of God over time to keep the bed undefined, put it in prayer and the lord will help you. cheers 1 Like |
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