JULY 14, 2014, 8:00am
“You have been shortlisted for an interview at Top Bond Oil and gas Limited Tomorrow 15th July 2014 at our office No12, Trans Amadi road, Port Harcourt Time: 8am, Please come along with photocopies of your credentials” Read the message on my phone.

Was I blind? What is happening to me?


SAME DAY, 17:59pm.
We were at 17:59am recreation centre and bar when my phone rang.
“Make e no be my mumsy oh!” I said to myself, “but I just send her 2 kay yesterday na”

“Hello Man, wetin dey happen na? Those Top Bond people dem text me for interview oh, shey dem text you?”
“dem text me ooh!, how we go take go na?” He asked
“We go go na, just come 17:59 make we dey together reason how we go take go, everybody dey here only you” I informed.
“I trust you na, you be Man Wey Dey Reason” He teased.
“Oboy do quick come oh, I no get trouser wey I go wear go the interview ooh!”
“Trouser? No worry I get trouser to give you” He assured, “I dey come now, make I help my little cousin Naeto do him assignment”
“Okay!”
As I hung up it really dawned on me that I had no trouser to wear for the interview the next day, yet I was playing snooker at 17:59.

“Flow which kin question dem fit ask me for the interview sef” It was my turn to play.
“I no know ooh!” He replied, “I never go oil company interview before”
“But you dey work for oil company na?” I said.
“Work as wetin? Security man!” He responded, “Security man, you don forget?”
Flow’s dream was to work in an Oil company, just any oil company. There he was working as a security man in Adac Oil servicing company. He so loved his job and his dream was that he would become a full staff of the company soon. For the past four years he has been dreaming.

“Flow what of Snow? Him never close from work?” I asked as we sat down to drink a bottle of 17:59 each.
How Flow so loved the drink 17:59. He had a year ago when we met introduced me to his friend 17:59; his best friend. His best friend that according to him always stood by him when he is troubled, his best friend that wipes away his tears when he cries, his best friend that gives him the energy to bang Diva and more divas.

According to him “The Truth is bitter”.


“Truth is bitter!” We chorused as we swallowed from the plate of Bitter leaf soup and drank 17:59.
As we continued, I remembered the first day I ate bitter leaf soup and 17:59 all thanks to Flow, that day my tongue was bitter for one whole week. This happened in the era when one consumed bitter leaf soup with honey close by to avoid damaging one's tongue.


“Man wey dey reason!” We hailed on the entrance of Man.
“eeennnnnnn! My people wey dey reason!” He returned, drinking from my bottle of 17:59.

“So how e go be? How the interview go be?” I questioned.
“I don tell you make you no worry, I go give you trouser? I get two!” He replied.
“No be that thing wey I dey talk sef” I turned to him and I noticed he was wearing my shoes; the one I gave to wear for his uncle’s child dedication two Sundays ago“I dey talk of the kin question wey dem go ask”
“Oboy leave that questions thing, I don read for me and you”
“Person dey read for person?”



JULY 15th, 2014, 7:45am
I had finishing dressing up and stood at the bus-stop adjacent the part of the bush where OK republic is located waiting for Man wey dey reason, I guess he would give a tangible reason why he kept me waiting.

“Oboy wetin happen na!” I saw him coming “You kept me waiting!”
“Guy no vex! I go give aboki my shoe make him polish, the guy waste my time well well” He apologized, “make we enter motor na!”
We flag a cab that screeched and halt in front of us.
“Ladies first!” I gestured to Man.
“Who be lady?” We both laughed.

I had forgotten the trouser Man borrowed me was very tight, as I freely stretched my left leg to enter, I heard “Braaaaaaaaa!”
“Ahnnnn! Who mess?” I could hear it was Man that said rubbish.
“Mumu! My trouser nahim mess, no be me mess!”

Kirgyakos:
Flow and TheBlessdMan "the Messi & Ronaldo of literature section on NL"


These two guys are awesome....so funny to the core


God bless you guys 4 the joy u give to me

Guy this your picture fine ohh, but you for no put am.


Or so i thought

Thank you for the compliment.

Criis:
Crazy fellas

Thank you for reading.

You will see more crazy stuffs soon, i promise you.

following

flow1759:


Guy this your picture fine ohh, but you for no put am.

Or so i thought
Thank you for the compliment.

baba flow I beg no vex o....na mumu de worry me
I don komot'am sharperly.

flow1759 :My oga is back...


Chai, you are the reason i joined nairaland in 2016, even my moniker was influenced by you.


I hope you won't leave us again.

We were all seated for the interview at Top Bond Oil company, then I said to myself “So na pesin get this kin big company?” “See levels!”
The interview started at about 12:45pm, the hall was crowded and reeks of sweat.


“wetin dem ask you?” Man asked one guy that just finished his interview.
“Oboy them ask me what is my shoe size ooh!” The Oblong headed boy said, “Na the first question be that”
“Wetin com be second question?” I was waiting to hear; “Them ask me wetin be my head size?”
“They asked what kind of salary scale am I expecting?”
“Salary scally? Wetin be salary scally?” The stupid Man didn’t know that salary scale means when Chicken and Fishes is given to workers as Christmas Bonus, the scales will remain on the fishes. Or so I thought.


It was about two persons to Man, before me when all of sudden, someone from nowhere rushed to take a vacant seat in front of Man.
“Oh boy comot for there, e never reach your turn” I yelled.

“Ehhhh! MY GUY! BRAINBOX!”
“Are you out of your mind Man?” I said, “person com chanse you, you dey call the person brainbox? which kin brain?”
Soon Man hugged the guy and the environment was noisy from pleasantries and catching up, very noisy.
“Emma na my guy be this! Him name na Brainbox! Flow know am! Na all of us dey together that year for Nekede. ***Refer to the story MAN WEY DEY REASON***

The pleasantry was high pitched, there was no gainsaying that these men were best friends from way back.
From the waiting room where we were the interviewers could hear Man’s bass voice.

“Shhhhh! You are shouting” One interviewee cautioned.
“My friend shut up! You know this guy?” Man replied.
“I don’t need to know him” The interviewee fired.
“So shut up, you ugly k-legged girl” Man caused, “With this your face wey resemble s’hit wey dem fire catapult”
“How dare you insult me!” Mrs. Ugly was grabbing Man to his collar.
“If you no leave my shirt, if I slap you ehnnn!” Man attacked.
With clung fist, Man was ready to beat the hell out of Mrs. Ugly.

“Man no try am oooh!” Before I could say that, man landed a thundering blow on the lady's face.
I was holding Man to avoid further hot punch when with the speed of light, Mrs. Ugly jabbed Man twice to his face.
For second attack, it was a straight punch to Man’s stomach, and them another to his solar plexus.

I was scared!

Man was bleeding from his nostril.
“Abi this woman sabi Kung-Fu?” I could barely comprehend.
In retaliation, man stretched his leg for a kick forgetting something.
“braaaaa! Braaaa!” His trouser was torn so wide; wider than mine, and I think map of Africa can comfortably be accommodated in it.
That wasn’t all that saw the eyes, Man shoe flew and on entrance of one of the interviewers to the waiting room, it stamped on her face.
“What nonsense! Graduates fighting!” She shouted still holding the shoe, “hmmmmm! Smelling shoe!”
About five persons were holding Mrs. Ugly yet she found her way pass them and hit Man this time harder on his blockus. Man’s face went pale; I could see colours of the rainbow on his eyes. I could feel his hands were cold.

“Man na die you dey ooh!” I almost said, “Make una hold his woman make she no kill my friend oh”
Some persons there instead of hold Mrs. Kung-Fu, they cheered her.


“Will you all stop this nonsense!” The interviewer with Man’s shoe yelled, “Security!! Security!! Security!”

Man was on the floor struggling with life and death. I could see I was losing a friend; life was leaving him. Tears was on my eyes.
Soon two hefty men on security uniform came in holding horse whip.

“Security carry this Man out of here! Throw him into the bush! He is an animal” Our Feminist interviewer said, “any man that will lay his hands on a woman is an animal, take him to the bush”

“The security men grabbed Man without showing some respect for his dirty boxers that was revealing germs in between his legs. Brainbox followed Man boycotting the interview.


Did you continue with the interview Emma? I know that is the question on your lips.



Well, like Man, “when we reach there, you go know!”

Kirgyakos:



baba flow I beg no vex o....na mumu de worry me

I don komot'am sharperly.

Ok, thank you.

SunFlow:
flow1759 :My oga is back...


Chai, you are the reason i joined nairaland in 2016, even my moniker was influenced by you.


I hope you won't leave us again.

Still we flow together

September 6th 2014, Saturday, Evening.

At St. Peter’s Basilica Palm wine and 404 joint I was losing grip of the cup of palm wine I held when my stomach rumbled.
“which kin mixture be this? How person go chop Indomie, bread, groundnut and garri, com wash am down with Zobo, which kin mixture be that?”
Brainbox had that afternoon prepared us Indomie Noodles and advised we ate the food with bread, garri and groundnut and later on Zobo.

“So naso una dey chop am for Nekede that time abi?” Snow asked.
“You no like the food?” I noticed Brainbox had grown gray beard.
“Thunder fire you there!”



“Oboy e get one man wey com our Hotel com carry one A’shawo enter room” Snow began, “So as them do the thing finish, naso the man come outside the room dey sweat like Christmas goat”
“How him no go sweat, wey him don do serious work” Flow said.
“Naso I com dey greet the man so that him go give me small something” Snow winked, “The man put hand for pocket, the first wey him comot na handkerchief, naso him carry the handkerchief clean heat for him face”
“ehnnn? Make him no clean him face again?” Man said.
“wait na, I never finish!” Snow cautioned, “The thing wey him think say na handkerchief, no be handkerchief, na the girl pant him use clean face”
“hahahahahahahaha!” We all laughed.
“The mumu man use pant clean him face, even clean him mouth join”
“hahahahahaha!” Brainbox laughed more, and last also.


We were still laughing when from nowhere, one small rat ran into the Basilica; “Uncle Chinonso, my Mummy said I should call you!”
“Who is Chinonso?” I had forgotten Man’s birth name.
“What does she want me to come and do?” Man shouldn’t have asked.
“She said you should come and wash the dirty plates!” Naeto announced, “And iron my school uniform too!”
Man’s crush Mfon the 404 seller burst into laughter and we all joined in what was seemingly an orchestra of laughter.



“Guys, my belle dey disturb me, e be like say I go soon die” Indeed I was in the verge of giving up the ghost should I not defecate that moment.

“Mfon! Mfon ooh!” I cried, “Give me una toilet key abeg?”
Like she knew how it was “doing” me, she instantly threw the bunch of keys and it landed on Brainbox’s cup of palm wine.
“which kin nonsense be this na? Toilet key?”
“No vex abeg!” I removed the key, pouring out the palm wine "I go buy you another pammy"


I reached the toilet in no time knowing there will be no one inside since i was with the key, yet I knocked.
“Yes! I dey here!” I heard the voice of Nse, Mfon's elder sister.
“Yekpa, I go sooon die oooh!” I cried bitterly.
“You no go die, I go soon come out” She replied, “Emma na you?”
“Yes ooh! Na me ooh!” I was on my fifth push-up on the floor.
If only push-ups could dry my tears. I was crying.

My girlfriend was on her way to join us at the Basilica any moment.
If I poo on myself Chinwe will so insult me. What was I to do?
“And no bush near here?”
“I don finish abeg! e remain small, e remain the last s'hit” Nse sent me a shout from the other side.

The door opened and my heart was pleased as the "Fat fool" walk majestically passed me.

I jumped into the toilet and what saw my eyes was; Oh my God!


The floor was plastered with a cement called “Poo cement”
I had stamped my foot on three mountains of poo already yet I cared not, my nose sensory organ was insensitive at that moment, I cared not too.

Neither did I care to find where to poo. I managed to find a space on the floor next to two mountains.

“So na only this girl sh’it this sh’it?” I said to myself.


30 Minutes and I was done, my bowels were cleared. That was when it dawned on me that I was in hell.

Looking at the “pooses” on the floor and in the WC I wondered; “So that time wey this Nse girl dey like me, if to say I like her back and we com marry naso she go dey sh’it for my house abi? Tufiakwa!!”

Suddenly I heard footsteps and the door clicked.
“Who is there?” I said.
As I tried opening the door and I couldn’t, it dawned on me that I would be passing a night with my new friends in the toilet.

Then my phone rang, it was Chinwe.

So my friends, how have my writing improved over the years?

CC: Ishilove

flow1759:
So my friends, who have my writing improved over the years?

CC: Ishilove

It really have.

Well done baba

swiz123:


It really have.

Well done baba

thank you

flow keeps getting better, carry on my guy, you dey game.

Kirgyakos:
flow keeps getting better, carry on my guy, you dey game.

Like fine wine

1st October 2014, Wednesday.

Independence it was for a great nation Nigeria. The Giant of Africa, the land that flows with milk and honey, the fatherland.

Nigeria! Good people! Great Nation!

Nigeria! The nation that produces great minds yet talents die every day.

“Oboy tomorrow I go be Thirty years ooh!” Brainbox announced, “I go be thirty, and I never even buy bicycle tyre talk less of motor”

The few months I had known Brainbox, he was indeed like his name “The Brain”. Who remember “Pinky and the Brain” Cartoon from back then? Brainbox is characteristics of The Brain. I remember he stole tin tomatoes from Ramotu the other day, and finding no place to hide it from her, he pocketed it in his mouth.



“Happy independence!” Man entered 17:59 that evening
“Happy wetin! This one na country? I tire for this Nigeria!” Brainbox said, “I mean, I have tried to join The Police Three times since I finished school, all to no avail? because i no get connection, this one na country?”
Brainbox is indeed the brain the Nigerian Police need to fight crime at a time like this. “He is smart” is an understatement, he is the smartest. I remember him giving me his wallet that contained money to search, yet I couldn’t find the money. I remember him having s’ex with a pro’stitute promising to pay her by means of recharge card.

“Brainbox how that a’shawo girl take leave you wey you no pay after una do finish? Because I know say you been no hold shi-shi that night” I needed to know.
“Easy thing na, I promise her say I go send her card na”
“You sure say na the only thing wey you promise her” I was sure he had no fading on him the other night.
“I swear! I send her card 1,500 MTN, Flow dey that time wey I dey send am na!” Brainbox assured.
“Abeg shut up there! You wey send the girl used card” Flow said, “if una see how the girl cause Brainbox for phone eehhhnn!”

“Na the hustle for Naija na! I be Naija boy, and I get sense” One finger to his skull.
The atmosphere was fill with cheers for Brainbox

“Brainbox wey get sense!”

“Guys wait! Wait! Make una wait! All the sense wey all of us get for this Nigeria, we never get better job” Snow said, “Like me after I don read Petrochemical Engineering for school, Oil company I no see work, even groundnut oil company I no see, now I dey fry meat with ground nut oil for that Hotel wey them dey pay me 25kay every month”

“Your own better na, me I don try to join Army for this country for four times, Navy three times and Airforce once since I finish school” Flow said, “Still nothing come out, when Nigeria go better sef?”

“Nigeria no go better I swear! Me I wan jar comot for Naija!” Man said.
“You wan still comot for Niaja abi?” I said, “After your last experience?”

Man had from Lagos seaport wanted to leave this country via a vessel, he and his friend. He was assured that if he could make available Two Hundred Thousand Naira for Logistics, he will find himself in UK in no time.

He and his friends were housed in a dark stinking six feet container for Five days, eating and defecating on the same container that housed them. According to him, they shared everything including food, bed, carbon dioxide and oxygen as well as bad breath too.

It was on the fifth day that they were forcefully thrown out by the captain of the vessel. To them it was a case of free return ticket to Senegal.


Nigeria! Good people! Great Nation!


The enemies of this great nation, God will judge, but we will arrange the meeting.

Yes We will.



"Udeme abeg give all of us 1759 make we take celebrate Nigeria jor!" I ordered.

"And the beer saw the skies, but not for too long!"

flow1759:

Like fine wine

yeah true
like Zlatan

i see so many monikers reading but they hardly comment

Kirgyakos:

yeah true
like Zlatan

Oga Flow, thanks for the updatea
Together we flow

SunFlow:


Oga Flow, thanks for the updatea

Together we flow

Yeah right!

2015 came with great hopes and expectations. It was the beginning of a new era.

“Oboy this sai baba wey we elect so go bring better things for this Naija oh!” It was just Brainbox and I in the living room one Friday morning - The rest were at work. I was off-duty at the Filling station.

“guy forget sai baba oh, him go f’uck up this country, I stand with Biafra ooh!” Brainbox informed.

"But sai baba promise all the graduates 5kay every month na!" I said.

"That na campaign promise oh!" Brainbox promised, "I belive in Biafra ooh!"

“Biafra abi?” I said, “I even want make Biafra come so that I go go my Local Government to contest for Chairman for Biafra country”
“Na your type Biafra need?”


ALASKA
Alaska is s place to be, a home second to none. A place where you find the most beautiful girls in Port Harcourt, the High class chicks, the slay mamas, the gbaza queens, the chop-and-clean-mouth ladies, and the Ogbono soup babes.

My Chinwe is in the class of Ogbono soup babes.

“Oboy my babe dey come today ooh” Brainbox heard me right.

“Ehen! una go do anything?” Stupid question.
“We no go do anything oh, we just wan talk”


Soon Chinwe barge in on us;
“what? why are you staring at me like you have not seen me before!”

Truth be told, I was seeing another Chinwe entirely; hand fan-like eyelashes, heavy make-up and she was on dreads; maybe she was mad, or maybe not.

“my friend will you stand up from there and give me peck!” Commander Chinwe was in the house.
I positioned my lips like I learnt pecking in Havard yet she said; “You don’t even know how to peck, Brain babe, come and give me a peck jor!”

Brainbox looked at me and then to her, he looked at me again and then fixed his eyes on her.
Looking at me, he asked; “Emma make I peck her?”

“peck her na!” No be my mind oh, “shebi na she say make you peck her?”

Brainbox’s peck was like a hot kiss to me; I could see the way she carried an undying smile on her face.


“Emma nothing you sabi for this life, even f’uck”


I hope you all can see why I called her Ogbono soup babe.
Well if you can't see the reason, lemme explain; You know the way you lick the seed of sweet ripe Mango especially when you are hungry – like you are quarrelling with the seed for not producing more flesh for you at that moment? That was exactly how Chinwe expected me to suck her dry whenever we played love.


“Baby suck me dry!” She insisted like I was some draining machine.

Yes I was a draining machine that morning, I drained every juice in her; some tasted like sweet Orange while others tasted like unripe “Udara”. If you know you know.

“f’uck me harder!! Push it in!” She moaned.

I was virtually pushing all my entire body into the well she had in between her legs, yet she continued; “Babe don’t c’um!”

“me come!” I almost said, “people wey dey come never go, I go come c’um”

Then from nowhere I came like ligthening and fell on the bed lying upwards.

“You idiot! Snow performed for Twenty seven minutes none stop, you, ordinary two minutes you are breathing like you are about dying”

“What? Snow! You have slept with Snow!!!”

SunFlow i sight you

i guess my old fans are not aware i started a story already.

And i don,t want to call them.

When i hit front page they will know

Lwkm..
Baba Flow, I still read "igbo boy wey like Yoruba" whenever I'm bored.
Biko coman update

ChemicalReaction:
Lwkm..

Baba Flow, I still read "igbo boy wey like Yoruba" whenever I'm bored.

Biko coman update

I will update soon. Thanks for reading my stories

Where is Ishilove I dey miss her. My nairaland babe

Flow flow....u jus dey burst my brain wit ur torey....me dey hail u

10th May, 2015, 4:30pm

“Oboy make we enter OK na, I dey hungry of Okoli ooh!” I tapped Flow who was lying on the bed.

“Oboy I never wan smoke na” He responded, “sleep dey catch me”
“Come make we go jor!”

Albeit Flow had said severally that he would stop smoking soon, we his friends always kept the urge alive.


On our way, then my phone rang.
“Hello! Man! okay we dey come there now! me and Flow, see us dey come” The republic had one president that presides, moderates and maintained decorum; that president was Man wey dey reason.


“Make una follow me reason am na” Man proposed, “Assuming say I contest for next election and I win, I go make Okoli free for everybody”
The other boys at the other corner of the republic joined laughing.

The atmosphere was high on Okoli fumes, it was a cloudy evening.
“Oboy e be like say rain wan fall ooh” I noticed.
“Make e no fall ooh, make e wait make I finish my Okoli before e go fall ooh” Man was on his Third Jumbo, Flow was still on his first.

Then my phone rang. It was Snow.
“Hello! Snow baba! Una dey come, Okay we dey wait una” He hung up.
“Who be that?” Flow asked.
“Na your cousin Snow!” I informed, “Him say him and Brainbox dey come here come join us”
“Come join us? I think say Brainbox no dey smoke?” Flow said.
“When him reach here we go know!” Man’s legendary response.
We knew indeed.


“Oboy make I try this una Okoli sef” Brainbox proposed.
“Try am na! e dey make person reason well” Man offered him a jumbo.
“Brainbox! No take am ooh!” The voice of warning said.
“No mind Flow, Okoli is good for your health!” I wish I never said that.
Branbox had dragged twice when I noticed he was smiling sheepishly.
“Ride on bro!!” Man cheered, “You be correct man, Man wey dey reason!”

Taking the third drag, Brainbox’s eyes turned greenish yellow.

“Oboy, are you alright!” I thought he was pulling one of his usual pranks on us.
“I am alright!” he smiled like he found new teeth.

He was dragging the Okoli faster than the speed of light.

The Okoli was half jumbo left when Brainbox stood up and took of his T-shirt.
“Emma hold this shirt for me, heat too much here” That was when it dawned on me that madness was next.
Yet he was still taking sweet Okoli.

He was almost finishing the Jumbo when he started uprooting the grasses around.
“Ahaaan! You wan do farm work?” Snow asked.
“He looked at Snow and responded, “No ooh!, I wan chop!”

Then the next thing that saw my eyes was unbelievable, Branbox was eating grasses.

“Oboy I wan go piss” Man was stepping out.

“I wan go s’hit” Snow followed.

“I dey come make I receive this call” Flow faked a call.

The other boys were nowhere to be found. I had urinated on myself, next was to poo. I was in s'hit.

OK republic contained me and a mad friend.

I managed to look at the time on my wrist watch. It was 17:59.

SeunIsBloody:
Flow flow....u jus dey burst my brain wit ur torey....me dey hail u

Call me the burst-brain-master (BBM)

I thought flow was brainbox' best friend.


Leaving a friend at that time is a bit heartless of them all.

swiz123:
I thought flow was brainbox' best friend.


Leaving a friend at that time is a bit heartless of them all.

Yeah! You know, when you see that kin scene, my brother you go first run, but you fit dey from far dey observe oh.

Next update will blow your mind

Nice wan Flow