LOL

2015 was not the end but the beginning of many surprises.


“Oboy make una open door!” Unfriendly friends.

“Emma! Emma! Na you!” I heard Flow’s voice from inside the house.
“Na me, open the door jor!” I was becoming furious. But i needed to calm down my nerves lest i spoiled the plan.



The door rattle and opened rhythmically.

“Emma! Wetin happen? Where Brainbox? Where you dey come from?” Too many questions from the fake friends. For the first time since I knew Man, he was really scared, I could see it in his eyes.

I entered the living room sluggishly leaving the door unlocked.

“Brainbox dey Psychiatric Hospital for Rumuigbo, Me and Olaniyi rush am go hospital, as all of una run leave am na” I eyeballed Flow in particular.
“Even you Flow, you left Brainbox when he needed you most, the same Brainbox that you told us have saved you in life and death situations severally” I was about saying that.

“So him go well abi?” Flow was really getting on my nerves.
“Yes na him go well, them don dey treat am, Doctor say make I fry egg plenty bring come for am”
“Fry egg! How many?” Man’s eyes were ajar.
“Like ten! Na wetin him talk be that!”
“No worry I go buy twelve egg!” Man offered.
“With one fried fish join oh” I concluded.
“But wait ooh, which kin Doctor go tell you make you bring ten fried egg and fried fish for person wey no well!” Flow said.
“You be doctor? Doctor don talk something you wan argue!”

“Emma no worry I go buy the fish, I go buy two big fish, na me go fry am” Snow offered.
“Eheen!” I was pleased.


30 minutes, and Man and Snow had finished frying the sacrificial egg and fish and packaged it very well when all of sudden……..

The door was hit, it almost fell of its frame.



POLICE!!



“Don’t move!!”

“If you move! I shoot!!”

“You! You! and You!” One dark Police officer pointed at the three of them, “You are under arrest for possession of Illegal drugs and for drugging one Mr. Ifeanyi Cletus”

“Constable! Handcuff these Three!!” The older Police officer ordered.



“Emma why?” Man cried as the handcuff was connected to Flow’s right hand and his left hand.

Snow eyeballed me badly as he was pushed by the constable.

“Mr. Emmanuel Okoli, when you finish with your food, you can come to the station for further questioning.


As the Police van zoomed off, I ordered; “Ramotu abeg give me cold coke make I use wash down this fried Egg and fried Fish abegi!!!”

skubido:
Nice wan Flow

Thanks for reading

flow is back

The night of 10th May 2018 was cold and quiet.

“Mehn I miss my friends!” I was losing it, “So all of them go sleep for cell this night”


9:55pm
“Up Nepa!” Power was restored.
The rotation of the fan on the roof skipped my mind the more. My heart was bleeding.


A knock was heard on the door.
“Who be that?”
“Opened the door please!” It was a feminine voice.
“Was I witch hunted?”
“who is that na!”
“Uncle Emma is us ooh!” Kid’s voice.
“Naetochukwu!! What is Naeto doing here?”
“Uncle Emma we are looking for brother Chinonso!”
“Chinonso? Chinonso is not here ooh!” I returned.
“Emma open the door I want to speak with you!” Man’s Uncle’s wife Onyinye spoke.


“Come in!” The Beautiful Onyinye entered, “Please sit down!” I offered.
“Uncle should I also sit down?” Naeto the trouble maker.
“Sit down Naeto” I almost yelled, “sit down!”

Onyinye took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I heard Chinonso was arrested by the Police few hours ago!”
“Yes he was, he and Ugo, and Alex!” Those names sounded strange to me.
“How did it happen? What did they do?” Onyinye asked, “Did they steal?”

“No they didn’t steal ooh, they sold Indian Hemp to one rich man, the rich man didn’t agree with their exorbitant price, so the man paid the Police to arrest them” Lie of the century.
“really! Which kin rich man be that? Wicked man!”
“Ehnnn! Wicked man!” I returned with a pity face.
“So why didn’t they arrest you too?” Onyinye asked.
“Me? No ooh, I was not in the room when the Police came to arrest them oh”

“What will we do now?” She asked
“Do? Nothing for now ooh! Let us wait till tomorrow morning, I am just returning from the station, I went to give them food” Another lie.
“But you know where the station is abi?” She asked.
“I know the place, Kala Police station” I replied.
I waited to see her large back side as she stood up. The look on Naeto's face was like; “Why are you looking at my Mum’s bom-bom”
“Okay I will call his uncle to inform him about everything, he is onshore now!” They left.




“make I use this opportunity wey light dey put hot water for electric stove wey I go baff” I stood up.
I was lying on the bed thinking of Onyinye when I slept of.







“Emma you know I love you so much, I want to divorce my husband and marry you” She was lying on my bare chest in a cozy hotel room.
“I love you too, but when are you going to divorce him?”
“I will, I will divorce him, he doesn’t even know how to do the thing well, you do better than him” She smiled.
“You mean it!” I smiled brightly.
“Yes of course!” Her finger was on my lips.
“Okay prove it with a kiss”
Onyinye’s lips called for a kiss, then……





“Fire! Fire! Fire!”


The house was on fire.

habundanz:
flow is back

Yes i am.

grab ma sit..sudon jaje

The dreaded Kala Police Station
Lol

“Fire Oh! Fire!” Yetunde yelled.

“Fire!” I stood up.

“Your wrapper go burn ohhh?! Yetunde tried putting of the fire with her wrapper. Like i cared if her wrapper was on fire.

“see nyash ooh!” I almost said as I took a glance of Yetunde’s big nyash on undies. Stupid me!

“Water oh! Water!!” I was in need of a flood at that moment.

The inferno was half off when my phone I was charging rang.

“who be this one wey dey call me?”

“Onyinye!” I was looking at my phone but couldn’t pick.

“Why she dey call me na!” I asked myself.


“Hello! What……….. you what?..... You lost your key? No oh, you didn’t leave your key in my house oh?” I checked.

“So na why you dey call me?” I said to myself “You don’t know how to open the door?”
“ok, I am coming to your house!” A promise I wished I never made.




House 411 Petakwa Estate was the house, thinking of the inferno that was later put off, I had walked pass house 411.

I had punched on the door bell at house 412.

“Why she go tell me say she lost her key?” I thought, “abi she dey lie for me?”


The bark of a Dog awakened my consciousness.

“But them Man no get dog for their compound na” The Cynophobia in me was awakened.



From nowhere, I saw two huge dogs racing towards my direction.
“Me? Dog?” I raced.
The fenced that demarcated house 411 and 412 was easily scaled, But not for too long.

My trouser was hooked on the fence’s security device; the two dogs were so close to taking a bite of my flesh; the higher they jumped, the closer they were to taking a pound of my flesh.

I was sweating. Just then I remembered all the 404 I had eaten at Peter’s Basilica.
“He that live by the flesh must go by the flesh!” I assured myself.

Like a knight in shinning amour, I saw Naeto from the other side of the fence jumping to take a hold of the right leg of mine that crossed to their compound.
“Uncle Emma, don’t worry I will get you, the dog will not bite you” Like he was superman.

That is all I remember; but I was sure Bruno and Mars didn’t bite me. Or so I thought forgetting there was a little scratch on my left ankle.




“I have tried, the door couldn’t open!” Onyinye wept.
“How did you lost the key na!” I asked.
“I don’t know ooh, I thought I left it in your house sef!”
We pushed and pushed the back door made of wood to no avail until………………….

“I think we will break the door”
I hit the door the fourteenth time before it gave way. Yes, I counted the number of times I hit it.

“thank you so much!” She thanked, “You have done noble!”
“Okay madam!” I smiled like a fool, “Now I should be leaving”
“No ooh! Don’t leave na, stay leme prepare you something” I was really hungry.



One hour and food was ready. Fried rice and Chicken.
I had finished eating wishing I was the head of that family; the one that married such a beautiful wife; beautiful in the kitchen and in the bedroom too. Or so it thought.


A glance at the wall clock, it was 11.02pm.

“okay, Thank you ma, leme me start going”
“Its late na, why don’t you pass a night here!” Onyinye suggested.

“But…………”
“No buts, just pass a night here, its for your own safety you know!”

“Okay, I will”



I was seated in the living room watching late night cartoon with Naeto and thinking of my friends.

“What if they never come out of the cell?”

“What if they die!”

“I know they will hate me forever!”

“But I did it for another friend Brainbox, what was I to do?”

Soon my phone rang.

It was Onyinye, she wanted me in her room.

ChemicalReaction:
The dreaded Kala Police Station

Lol

If you know, you know

ChemicalReaction:
The dreaded Kala Police Station

Lol

ChemicalReaction you don enter that cell before? Are you sure we have not met?

flow1759:


ChemicalReaction you don enter that cell before? Are you sure we have not met?

For where?? Ah de avoid ordinary road side police.

Closest I've ever been to a police station was when I escorted a colleague to deliver food to her brother who got involved in a fight with 'Rich man pikin' (though I no gree enter station biko).

Twas later we got to know that the food my colleague bought and tasted never got to her brother. Kala Police chop am!
Till today I still feel her brother lied about not getting the food though.

ChemicalReaction:
For where?? Ah de avoid ordinary road side police.

Closest I've ever been to a police station was when I escorted a colleague to deliver food to her brother who got involved in a fight with 'Rich man pikin' (though I no gree enter station biko).

Twas later we got to know that the food my colleague bought and tasted never got to her brother. Kala Police chop am!
Till today I still feel her brother lied about not getting the food though.

LOL

i no mean weda we don meet for cell ooh LOL, i mean weda we don meet for Port Harcourt

“When I catch headache, I drink aspirin and keep away from children like the bottle says, not forgetting to shake before use”
I shook my vodka before drinking and continued minding my business at the gym.

“Emma you go fit carry that one?” Brother Wale the gym owner and instructor cautioned.
“If I don’t, Vodka will help me out?” I told myself.

“Emma you sure say I no go follow una carry this gym?” Brainbox said, “I wan get muscle like you”
“You sure?” I cautioned, “no be everybody go get muscle na”
“Brainbox no mind am, carry gym if you wan carry jor!” Brother Wale advised, “you no wan dey like I dey?”
“ehnnnn! Brainbox? I no dey ooh!” The same brainbox that was released from psychiatric home two days ago.
“Emma stop that nonsense, shey Brainbox no be man?” Olaniyi said, “Brainbox chop iron jor, NA MAN YOU BE”

I took a sip of the Vodka I held to take away the pains of lifting 100kg of weight 10 times on bench.
Soon Brainbox was on the bench he pushed the same 100kg I push 20 times.
A first timer and he had push 20 times, “this boy get power ooh”
“You should be ashamed of yourself” I told myself.

I missed Flow, he was indeed my motivator in the gym house. If he squatted 30, I made sure I squatted at least 25.
“When them go release them Flow na!” Olaniyi asked.
“I no know ooh, them say NDLEA dey on the case” Vodka was speaking for me.
We had increased the weight to 200kg and as the culture was Brother Wale announced: “Anybody wey no get mind carry, make him shift ooh”

“I get mind!” I declared

“Me sef get mind!” Olaniyi declared.

“I get mind” Chibunna who have been quiet all the while declared.

“I no get mind ooh!” I expected Brainbox to say.

“I get mind” I heard him said.


And that was the beginning of beginnings.

Brother Wale had pushed 20 times, followed by Chibunna 20 times too.
I was next, and they all knew I wouldn’t push up to 15, yet I told myself I would.
“Emma wait make Brainbox first you carry, you know say him na apprentice” Olaniyi said.
I accepted going back to my Vodka.
Soon Brainbox was pushing.
One….
Two….
Three…..

Then I saw Brainbox wiggling on the bench.

“Help am! help am!” I cried with a loud voice.

Before Chibunna could come close to rescue our brainbox, the rod hit hard on his chest.
Instantly Brainbox went cold; and instantly also, there was a stampede as we all flee in different directions.


Brainbox was dead, or so I thought.

Ride on Flow!!!!

June 20th evening and we were all seated at 17:59 drinking. My friends were released from the cell the previous day.


“Make all of una no vex how i make una go police cell, shebi na me carry una come drink beer so” I had been employed at Top bond Oil company, after many months of waiting.

“Emma you bad sha! Because of Brainbox you betray all of us” Man expressed.

“Make una sorry na!” I apologized, “na why I dey buy una this beer na, and another reason wey make me dey buy una beer na because I wan make una follow me celebrate this my new job”


“I greet all of una ooh!” It was Peter the owner of the basilica and the brother of Udeme the owner of 17:59.

“who this idiot dey greet?” He disgusted me, “Rubbish boy wey wan collect my babe from me”

“So Emma, how much them go dey pay you for that Top bond sef?” I could tell Brainbox was envious.

“Na 200k for a start, but them say them go increase am after six months”

“Big boy! Guy small time go buy motor!”


“Guys make una buy me beer make I drink na!” Peter asked.
“Guy you don mara oh! You get basilica, your brother get 17:59, you still want make we buy you beer?”
“nawa oh! Una stingy ooh!”


“Emma what of your babe Chinwe na?” Snow said. Why was everybody after Chinwe, “well, I wasn’t even in love with her, I was in love with her father's money!” Or so i thought.

From the corner of my left eye I saw Nse arranging kegs of palm-wine to be carried to the basilica. I forgot looking from the corner of my other eye to see that Chinwe stood beside me.


As Nse bent down to carry a keg of Palm wine, I looked to see if I could see anything in between her legs; it was really dark.

“So what are you looking at! You idiot!” I froze.
“Me looking at? I am not looking at anything oh!”

“What were you looking at that girl for?”
“me? I was just looking at her shoes ooh, the shoes are fine!” At such times smiling sheepishly is my hobby.

The dimple had not let my face when a hot slap followed.
“What? You slap me!”
“And I will slap you again!” She landed another hot slap on my face.
My eyes saw stars; shinning stars.
“Emma see as this girl slap you, you no go slap her back?” Flow said.
“Let him slap me na! Slap me!!” A hot slap on her fresh face would had been wonderful – it would had sounded like thunder, but I thought otherwise save I lose a job I had not resumed.



Chinwe had left for 45 minutes when my friends started raining abuses on me.
“Emma see as that girl slap you, you no slap her back, if na for my body now you go gat power” Snow said.
I was so cold and crying inside and yet to digest the second slap when……...


Everybody stay where you are, if you move, I shoot!
FSARS the wickedness producers.

xaviercasmir:
Ride on Flow!!!!

Thank you for riding with me.

Flow wey run my br3 down always with funny stories.fire fire.

flow1759:
“I miss home, I miss my mum, I pray papa comes back to life, even though him come back, I know say I no go fit go school again, water don already pass garri, that is why i dey drink Garri now”



JUNE 23, 2014
“Flow how far na? where you dey since morning! I don dey here dey wait una sotey s’hit don dey comot for my n’yash” I wasn’t happy Flo and the others came behind schedule, “S’hit wey I suppose s’hit for OK republic with Okoli for my hand”

Okoli is my surname……Emmanuel Okoli is my name, I am from Dunukofia in Anambra state. If there is one vegetable I love so much, that vegetable is Okoli. I love Okoli so much, not because it spells my surname, I love Okoli so much not because if smells great, I love Okoli so much because my friends love it. Yes my friends Flow, Snow and Man love it so so much. In fact they love it mucher than me. Yes “mucher”, you heard me right, mucher.

“Emma this your Okoli is mucher than my own ooh!” Man was puffing from a large Jumbo yet he complained.
I was wondering when the English language would be fair to weed smoker and allow us invent our words and these words should take pride of place in the English dictionary, just when. Lost in my thought with Okoli on my hands.


“Snow you be big olodo oh! Moon nahim big pass Sun!” was another argument.
“Flow you be Mumu ooh! How you go talk say Moon big pass Sun?” I was confused, my thinking faculty was flying with the flames the Okoli in my hand produced.
The argument continued as the Sun shone so bright on the shinning bald head of Man.
“But Man wetin you think for this matter sef?” I inquired
“Me? Think?” He gave that look like the other day…….
…….The other day when he was asked “Man, who colonize Africa?” and his answer was that Africa was colonized by Nigeria.


“Yes na you, wetin you think for the matter? Sun big pass Moon abi Moon big pass Sun?” I was anxious of his response.
“Answer na! What do you think? Abi you don forget your brain for house like the other day?” Snow was running out of patience.
Our dear Man gave us a look like yet the other day………..
………The other day when everyone else except him was involved in the old secondary school debate “Teacher and Doctor who better pass?”, his legendary contribution to the argument was “when I reach house I go find out from my brain”

“chmmmm!” Man coughed, “For Sun and Moon, none of them big pass, my head big pass the two of them, if my cousin Naeto wan draw Moon or Sun for assignment wey dem give am, I dey tell am make him use my head do the sketch”

BURST MY BOLOLO

flowey.. you haf come again, hop this not another half story o

I de feel the story with my okoli flame. Lets goo there?

EmpresFIDEL:
flowey.. you haf come again, hop this not another half story o

I have never written any half story here before except the ones I collaborated with foxy.

dandollaz:
Flow wey run my br3 down always with funny stories.fire fire.

Long time no saw

flow1759:


I have never written any half story here before except the ones I collaborated with foxy.

yeah... exactly. anyway, welcome back.

flow my man!
Still I flow till 1759

Snow, Flow and Man, who is the fourth person na?

omoadeleye:
Snow, Flow and Man, who is the fourth person na?

Emmanuel okoli is the fourth person and the story is about his life

keep flowing without hindrance boy!


I d believe you die

flow1759:

I dey since na, I no hide. I just go underground.

you don come back, where is the continuation of "Na man you be" ? small time you go leave this one half way too.

Bebson007:

you don come back, where is the continuation of "Na man you be" ?
small time you go leave this one half way too.

I finished Na Man you be, but it didn't end how you expected

precidope:
Emmanuel okoli is the fourth person and the story is about his life

Not forgetting Brainbox