It’s a long story but I will try to keep it brief.
About 6 years ago I dated a lady from Delta State from the Urhobo tribe. Along the line she got pregnant.
Although the relationship did not end in marriage I did not at any time deny responsibility for her pregnancy and I went with my mother to see her father when he requested a meeting

Due to a serious medical condition she had the pregnancy was a very difficult one but she eventually had a beautiful healthy baby girl. She spent a total of 32 days in the hospital and run up a bill of over N1 million which was eventually paid with some help from her family.
Due to her prolonged stay in hospital she was forced to resign from her job but she was lucky to get another job several months later.
After the baby was born she continued living with her parents cos I was still adamant I was not going to marry her however, I was seriously willing to give it serious reconsideration.

What made me suspend the decision to formalize our relationship was that I noticed that she was becoming unnecessarily rude and insultive to me.
I will give an instance, there was this one time she called me on a Wednesday while I was at the library preparing for a professional exam to tell me that the baby’s provisions had finished and that I should send some money and I said I wasn’t going to send any money cos I had previously sent money about 2 or 3 days before; the next thing she did was to start raining insults on me on the phone.
Later that weekend on Saturday I went to visit her and our baby at her parents house and after I had sat down in the living room her mother accosted me and said “I no like the way way you dey talk to my daughter” and just as I was getting ready to defend myself this lady flared up and started shouting “you’re crazy, You’re crazy, stupid man” etc.
I immediately stood up and made to take my leave and much to my surprise this lady followed me out of the house into the compound raining insults on me.

While all this was going on her mother was present but she did not make any effort to ask her to stop. I found this very intriguing and shocking at the same time cos I am from the eastern part of Nigeria, Anambra state and where I come from no woman will stand by and watch her daughter insult her husband or father of her child.
This happened about 6 months after our daughter was born and she was lying on the sofa in the living room when it happened.

I should emphasize here the lady in question is a well spoken and relatively well exposed graduate and not some lay about but it just so happens that for some reason pigin English is the lingua franca in most Niger Delta homes.
I stayed away for over 3 months after this incident happened but I was surprised when I eventually went back and her father did not bother to ask me why I stayed away for so long.

Things continued this way until our daughter was a little over 2 years old and was about to start school.
We had a discussion and agreed that she should start school in September of that year, however, I was surprised when all of a sudden my baby mama’s mother came out of the blues and said that our daughter should be enrolled to start school in April and I kicked against it since it was not the original plan and I was not ready to let her dictate to me how to run my affairs.
They enrolled her in April and paid the fees since I said I would stick with the original plan.

From then on our relationship soured further and I stopped visiting altogether but my mother who incidentally is quite fond of the lady continued to visit them until eventually she too stopped cos they made her feel unwelcome through subtle body language.
Please note that prior to the breakdown in our relationship I had always been involved in my daughter’s life, I went to the hospital the day she was born, I participated at her christening, then her first and second birthday parties.
One of my mother’s complaints was that whenever she visits they will be making comments in their language while she’s seated there with them.
Much later after our daughter started school I sent some money for the payment of my daughter’s school fees and my baby mama sent the money back to my account and as a result I just ignored and left her to her own devices.
Much later after I had stayed away for a while I decided to open an education fund account for our daughter and I was told to bring her passport photograph and a copy of her birth certificate.

I asked her mother to send me a copy of her birth certificate and she refused and as a result I could not open the account.
About 2 or 3 months after this incident when schools were on a long holiday she decided to take our daughter on holidays to the United Arab Emirates and part of the requirements was that the father must sign a Consent Form cos our daughter bears my surname; when she called and told me about it I agreed to sign it on the condition that she would give me a copy of our daughter’s birth certificate.
I went to their house, gave them a copy of the bio data page of my international passport and signed the forms on the assumption that I was dealing with someone with integrity.

After about 1 week she still had not sent me a copy of the birth certificate as agreed so I sent her a reminder on WhatsApp and she blocked my number immediately.
As a result of this I suspended all communication with her until I was about to leave Lagos for an engagement which lasted about 2 years.
Before I left I bought some cartons of biscuits and packs of Ribena fruits drinks which our daughter would take to school as refreshments.
When I got there her parents were very hostile and almost refused accepting the stuff but I left them in their compound after they had been offloaded from the car.

There are some other incidences which I have omitted for brevity.

Now the issues is that want to see my daughter but I have no desire to visit them at home.
I sent a text message to my baby mama to request to see my daughter in a public place of her choice and she ignored it.

I want to further pursue this matter legally but I want to know if there are further remedial actions I can take before I resort to this.

I am willing to explore other means first cos if I go the legal route then there is no turning back for me no matter the cost or inconvenience.

Once I start legal process on the matter I will not look back until we get to the logical conclusion of this matter.

I want people who are experienced in child custody cases to give me their opinion.

Please move this to front page:-

FTC

A pack of condom would have saved you from all this grammar, move on pls

That family isn't the right place for your daughter, they would raise her to be a father-hating type. It's quite understandable for your baby mama to be rude to you but for her own mother to be in total support of her is rather disappointing, just go for the legal case after all the child is also yours as well as hers.

EZINNE1759:

This is truly painful!

SUPERPACK:
A pack of condom would have saved you from all this grammar, move on pls

Yes o....100 naira condoms

Why do you men always do this, you think the woman isn't good enough for you to marry but she is always good for you to have sex with.


Even if you start a court process, I doubt you will win the case.

From all indications, she can duly take care of the child without your input.

I don't know how to advise you because I don't even support premarital sex to start with.

Communication break down. All this problem started because of how you told her you don't have money . Since the child stays with the mother, there are some concessions you'd have to make (even if you don't really like it) just for peace to reign. example, the incident of starting school much earlier than agreed. You could have handled it better by either sending them a token of whatever u have or gently tell her you are broke for now but will send whatever u have later as opposed to sticking your feet down and insisting on September. It's not stupidity, it's called wisdom aka stooping to conquer.

From your story, the lady and/or her family can comfortably take care of the toddler. I don't know any court that will grant you custody of the child but you'd get visitation rights for sure if that's what you're fighting for. And also the mandatory monthly child support that you'd have to pay.

Im not sure going to court now is the best idea. Can you take a back seat from visiting and communicating with the lady directly and have either or both of your parents visit hers and have a chat with her parents( not her) i believe your parents will be calm and handle hers well no matter the level of provocation,if any, by the girls Mother. Please don't send only your mom o, we women are known to be petty.

No mother will like you or support you after you knocked up her daughter and refused to marry her so don't be surprised the mom did not caution the daughter while she was exchanging words with you. If you married her properly, her reaction to that incident would have been the opposite. I'm not making excuses for her moms behaviour Please, just trying to see things from a typical Naija moms angle.

If that fails then head to court. Since they stay in Delta, I presume the issue can only be sorted at family welfare courts in Delta state. Obviously,The lady wanted marriage from you and since that is not forthcoming, she's acting out.

ifyalways:
Communication break down. All this problem started because of how you told her you don't have money . Since the child stays with the mother, there are some concessions you'd have to make (even if you don't really like it) just for peace to reign. example, the incident of starting school much earlier than agreed. You could have handled it better by either sending them a token of whatever u have or gently tell her you are broke for now but will send whatever u have later as opposed to sticking your feet down and insisting on September. It's not stupidity, it's called wisdom aka stooping to conquer.

From your story, the lady and/or her family can comfortably take care of the toddler. I don't know any court that will grant you custody of the child but you'd get visitation rights for sure if that's what you're fighting for. And also the mandatory monthly child support.

Im not sure going to court now is the best idea. Can you take a back seat from visiting and communicating with the lady directly and have either or both of your parents visit hers and have a chat with her parents( not her) i believe your parents will be calm and handle hers well no matter the level of provocation,if any, by the girls Mother. Please don't send only your mom o, we women are known to be petty.

If that fails then head to court. Since they stay in Delta, I presume the issue can only be sorted at family welfare courts in Delta state. Obviously,The lady wanted marriage from you and since that is not forthcoming, she's acting out.

Wasn't his mom visiting back then when they (parent and child) would be side talking with their language and giving his mom awful body language? As a matured parent that they ought to be, couldn't they have told her what the problem is?

Honestly, its very disappointing from the lady's parent and I think that pursuing this legally is the best

iloputaife:
It’s a long story but I will try to keep it brief.
About 6 years ago I dated a lady from Delta State from the Urhobo tribe. Along the line she got pregnant.
Although the relationship did not end in marriage I did not at any time deny responsibility for her pregnancy and I went with my mother to see her father when he requested a meeting

Due to a serious medical condition she had the pregnancy was a very difficult one but she eventually had a beautiful healthy baby girl. She spent a total of 32 days in the hospital and run up a bill of over N1 million which was eventually paid with some help from her family.
Due to her prolonged stay in hospital she was forced to resign from her job but she was lucky to get another job several months later.
After the baby was born she continued living with her parents cos I was still adamant I was not going to marry her however, I was seriously willing to give it serious reconsideration.

What made me suspend the decision to formalize our relationship was that I noticed that she was becoming unnecessarily rude and insultive to me.
I will give an instance, there was this one time she called me on a Wednesday while I was at the library preparing for a professional exam to tell me that the baby’s provisions had finished and that I should send some money and I said I wasn’t going to send any money cos I had previously sent money about 2 or 3 days before; the next thing she did was to start raining insults on me on the phone.
Later that weekend on Saturday I went to visit her and our baby at her parents house and after I had sat down in the living room her mother accosted me and said “I no like the way way you dey talk to my daughter” and just as I was getting ready to defend myself this lady flared up and started shouting “you’re crazy, You’re crazy, stupid man” etc.
I immediately stood up and made to take my leave and much to my surprise this lady followed me out of the house into the compound raining insults on me.

While all this was going on her mother was present but she did not make any effort to ask her to stop. I found this very intriguing and shocking at the same time cos I am from the eastern part of Nigeria, Anambra state and where I come from no woman will stand by and watch her daughter insult her husband or father of her child.
This happened about 6 months after our daughter was born and she was lying on the sofa in the living room when it happened.

I should emphasize here the lady in question is a well spoken and relatively well exposed graduate and not some lay about but it just so happens that for some reason pigin English is the lingua franca in most Niger Delta homes.
I stayed away for over 3 months after this incident happened but I was surprised when I eventually went back and her father did not bother to ask me why I stayed away for so long.

Things continued this way until our daughter was a little over 2 years old and was about to start school.
We had a discussion and agreed that she should start school in September of that year, however, I was surprised when all of a sudden my baby mama’s mother came out of the blues and said that our daughter should be enrolled to start school in April and I kicked against it since it was not the original plan and I was not ready to let her dictate to me how to run my affairs.
They enrolled her in April and paid the fees since I said I would stick with the original plan.

From then on our relationship soured further and I stopped visiting altogether but my mother who incidentally is quite fond of the lady continued to visit them until eventually she too stopped cos they made her feel unwelcome through subtle body language.
Please note that prior to the breakdown in our relationship I had always been involved in my daughter’s life, I went to the hospital the day she was born, I participated at her christening, then her first and second birthday parties.
One of my mother’s complaints was that whenever she visits they will be making comments in their language while she’s seated there with them.
Much later after our daughter started school I sent some money for the payment of my daughter’s school fees and my baby mama sent the money back to my account and as a result I just ignored and left her to her own devices.
Much later after I had stayed away for a while I decided to open an education fund account for our daughter and I was told to bring her passport photograph and a copy of her birth certificate.

I asked her mother to send me a copy of her birth certificate and she refused and as a result I could not open the account.
About 2 or 3 months after this incident when schools were on a long holiday she decided to take our daughter on holidays to the United Arab Emirates and part of the requirements was that the father must sign a Consent Form cos our daughter bears my surname; when she called and told me about it I agreed to sign it on the condition that she would give me a copy of our daughter’s birth certificate.
I went to their house, gave them a copy of the bio data page of my international passport and signed the forms on the assumption that I was dealing with someone with integrity.

After about 1 week she still had not sent me a copy of the birth certificate as agreed so I sent her a reminder on WhatsApp and she blocked my number immediately.
As a result of this I suspended all communication with her until I was about to leave Lagos for an engagement which lasted about 2 years.
Before I left I bought some cartons of biscuits and packs of Ribena fruits drinks which our daughter would take to school as refreshments.
When I got there her parents were very hostile and almost refused accepting the stuff but I left them in their compound after they had been offloaded from the car.

There are some other incidences which I have omitted for brevity.

Now the issues is that want to see my daughter but I have no desire to visit them at home.
I sent a text message to my baby mama to request to see my daughter in a public place of her choice and she ignored it.

I want to further pursue this matter legally but I want to know if there are further remedial actions I can take before I resort to this.

I am willing to explore other means first cos if I go the legal route then there is no turning back for me no matter the cost or inconvenience.

Once I start legal process on the matter I will not look back until we get to the logical conclusion of this matter.

I want people who are experienced in child custody cases to give me their opinion.

Please move this to front page:-

Lalasticlala

Mynd44

Dominique

Hello Op,
I feel your plight. Your best bet would be consulting a lawyer for professional and accurate information.

But on the flip side, I am quite aware that almost all Anambra communities do not recognize kids that their father did not pay the bride price of their mother as legitimate kids of the man.

Kidaholic:


Wasn't his mom visiting back then when they (parent and child) would be side talking with their language and giving his mom awful body language? As a matured parent that they ought to be, couldn't they have told her what the problem is?

Honestly, its very disappointing from the lady's parent and I think that pursuing this legally is the best

That was what his mom told him.

You don't know what they were discussing in their language, if actually that incident happened as the OP's mom narrated to him

Mothers are not the best representatives when it comes to a child outside wedlock issues. We get emotional and act out; both parties.

Best believe.

Pursuing it legally without utilising all avenues for peaceful resolution is a long, windy road. He'd get 24 hours a week visitation right which might be revoked the month he fails for any reason to pay child support.

Seek peace first,OP. A child is involved, be wise.

ifyalways:

That was what his mom told him.

You don't know what they were discussing in their language, if actually that incident happened as the OP's mom narrated to him

Mothers are not the best representatives when it comes to a child outside wedlock issues. We get emotional and act out; both parties.

Best believe.

You don't have to grasp the meaning of what people are saying to understand that you ain't welcomed somewhere

Moreover, that isn't my point. I'm just saying I'm in full support of any legal pursuit of this case, that family needs to cut him some slack. If it's bride price they want, let him pay and take his child. Simple

Peaceful resolution? isn't it crystal clear they don't want anything to do with him anymore?

faithfull18:
Why do you men always do this, you think the woman isn't good enough for you to marry but she is always good for you to have sex with.


Even if you start a court process, I doubt you will win the case.

From all indications, she can duly take care of the child without your input.

I don't know how to advise you because I don't even support premarital sex to start with.

What nonsense are you spewing here. the thread is about a man who wants to see his child and has been denied of that right and you are here talking about the only thing your tiny feminist mind can process.

Aunty!! Dating might or may not lead to marriage... Get that into your dull brain.

Op sir... If someone was withholding me from seeing my own baby girl.. I'd rain hell on her and her family. Go the legal way and make them bend!!!!

faithfull18:
Why do you men always do this, you think the woman isn't good enough for you to marry but she is always good for you to have sex with.


Even if you start a court process, I doubt you will win the case.

From all indications, she can duly take care of the child without your input.

I don't know how to advise you because I don't even support premarital sex to start with.

Not all relationships lead to marriage na....

NevetsIbot:


What nonsense are you spewing here. the thread is about a man who wants to see his child and has been denied of that right and you are here talking about the only thing your tiny feminist mind can process.

Aunty!! Dating might or may not lead to marriage... Get that into your dull brain.

Op sir... If someone was withholding me from seeing my own baby girl.. I'd rain hell on her and her family. Go the legal way and make them bend!!!!

Nobody said dating must lead to marriage, will you tell me the OP didn't know he wasn't going to marry her before making her a single mother?

I also blame the lady for opening her legs for a man who didn't pay her bride price.

Situations like this will keep coming up if ladies don't start setting their priorities right.

You also expect her family to give him a pat on the back for a job well done too.

You are the one with no brain at all, let him go the legal way, the highest he will get is visitation time.

One doesn't have to be a feminist to see things and say it the way they are without sugarcoating it.

You should give the advice you would give the OP if the babymama in question was your sister.

Op u sound foolish

The child is not yours because you didn't marry the girl, u are just a stupid sperm donor, move on already.

If u want the child to be yours then you must first marry the girl like every responsible man does.

If u had married the girl u will now have the impetus to call the baby yours until then the baby is not yours

Hmmm... Calling/Turning a lady to your baby mama without her full consent...Make una dey fear God oh!!!

Young ladies, pls stay woke! It seems there are many men around nowadays that are seeking whom to turn to baby mama without consent. Don't let that be your story!!!

It's easy for men to bail and come up with different excuses because they are not the ones carrying the pregnancy.

@OP, what if the lady had aborted that pregnancy? After all, she also had plans she had to forestall for her to keep the child.

faithfull18:


Nobody said dating must lead to marriage, will you tell me the OP didn't know he wasn't going to marry her before making her a single mother?

I also blame the lady for opening her legs for a man who didn't pay her bride price.

Situations like this will keep coming up if ladies don't start setting their priorities right.

You also expect her family to give him a pat on the back for a job well done too.

You are the one with no brain at all, let him go the legal way, the highest he will get is visitation time.

One doesn't have to be a feminist to see things and say it the way they are without sugarcoating it.

You should give the advice you would give the OP if the babymama in question was your sister.

Dummy.. you're wrong... the highest he will get is visitation time IF he doesn't get the right to be the custodian of the child.. A case which he's most likely to win considering how toxic her parents family is.

NevetsIbot:


Dummy.. you're wrong... the highest he will get is visitation time IF he doesn't get the right to be the custodian of the child.. A case which he's most likely to win considering how toxic her parents family is.

I don't argue with stupid teenagers who don't know their left from right.

I repeat, he most likely won't get custody.

Get that into your fogged head with no brain.

Kidaholic:


You don't have to grasp the meaning of what people are saying to understand that you ain't welcomed somewhere

Moreover, that isn't my point. I'm just saying I'm in full support of any legal pursuit of this case, that family needs to cut him some slack. If it's bride price they want, let him pay and take his child. Simple

Peaceful resolution? isn't it crystal clear they don't want anything to do with him anymore?

How can he pay her bride price when he doesn't want to marry her? If he does that she automatically becomes his wife. Unless he decides to make her his wife then good/better for him.

Op learn from Davido, Tuface and the likes. Also, no court will grant u custody of the child now that she's still a baby.

Vulcanheph:
Yes o....100 naira condoms

if a woman really wants to get pregnant bro there's nothing you can do.

why not let them be ,get married and move on with your life.

Isoright

Bro!

Na u get ur pikin, according to Naija's Child Rights Law!
B'olode o ku, ojude re o le wu koriko..l'ai ku egiri, ko si baba eni to le f'awo e se gbedu!

I don't understand how your state manages child's welfare issues. But over here in Lagos, the odds are in YOUR FAVOUR.

The case is called Access Denial. It is usually handled at ZERO COST. You don't even need any damn lawyer.

Walk down to the Child Rights/Welfare office. Make a case.

Dem no born dem well make them no show up with ur pikin.

You will be given ACCESS RIGHTS at your desired venue. Most likely 2 hours, 2ce every months, u go just gatz buy Jedi for the Officer wey go dey in charge. lols.

But be ready to pay the regular monthly upkeep, cos the office of child's welfare office doesn't play with that.

As a female child, when the child is 5, she will start following u home for weekends.

Baba u are the winner here.

When ur child is 7, u will apply to get her Custody. All you need to prove is Responsibility. Lobatan!

I swear, just negodu...na u get ur pikin.

Not all fathers are daddy's ...... You contributed 0 to her hospital bills, and you are claiming rights ? Be prepared for a long battle, which would involve lots of solicitors feeding large ........

You did not contribute school fees, but you provided biscuit and ribena ? Did you actually say this ? You also attended the christening and birthday celebrations ? Did you actually say this ?

When it gets to big expense, you seem to either want to run or have it your way ..... Your way or the highway ........

You are now claiming rights ?

You should be more sober and put your ego to one side ...... It's the child that is the important factor here ..............

She has burned a children for you, why not just marry her

Why all this

Warri!

Your child has been supported since birth by her grandparents.
They DAILY provide shelter, feeding, clothes and education for her yet you are on a sosha media doing instagram daddy, buying ribena, biscuit and indomie once in 2 years and you think that makes you a daddy??


Whether you are in good terms with the mothet or not, your child will eat everyday, her diapers will be changed everyday, the house will need electricity and she will use water to bath, drink , for her clothes to be washed.
She ll need vaccines, coughs and colds which children often contract need to be treated yet you are sitting on your high horse, as a proud anambra man: complaining that they didnt respect you.
Please does respect pay those bills above?

Why didnt you use your highly regarded state respect to pay her delivery bills in hospital? Or use it for her feeding?

Did you take over paying her tuition in the Sept following April she started sch since your gross is the timing?

Have you bern supporting financially with bank records to proove it monthly since she was born? Or because the mother didnt dance to your tune as the self crowned Anambra Prince that you are , a child you call your own should starve and be homeless cos daddy aint happy with mummy and her grandparents?

Oga go and see your lawyer ohh, cos you have a long way to go and proof before you ll be considered fit enough for joint physical custody

just put yourself in her shoe or let's say she's your younger sister? we men need to be considerate atimes , for you to have abandoned her and the child in the toughest time , you need to show remorse.