Maybe you can still get along with the mom. Don’t give up on that end yet. Since she apologized for her actions at that time, maybe there’s a window open somewhere for more getting along.

bryanarchie:


I've tried his dad but to no avail, he is more of the mothers son and then I don't see eye to eye with the mother...

Our then house rent is 200k and I do support back then but I moved to a smaller house of 100k and all...

I can't tell anyone because he will be more angry so I decided to bring it here for unbiased opinion and I'll send him the link.

cococandy:


Make a list of the monthly expenditure you make

Rent, food, healthcare, transportation, child’s needs, etc
on one side of a page, then your both incomes on another side of a page.

See where you’re both going wrong. You most likely will need to change some things to fit into your budget. Manage manage manage until you start making more money.

This will work if he’s willing to consider his income as part of the family income and work with you to make ends meet. If not, then he needs to take a hike. It’s either he’s a roommate or a husband. Even roommates do their part. Can’t work with anyone who doesn’t want to won’t with you. Don’t force it

We used to do that and everything was fine, no issues at all but he changed and started bringing in what he felt like.

Yesterday, I reminded him of back then that we should go back to that way but he said no way...
He has refused to let us budget but Im 100oercent open to him financially...

I've requested counseling and he rejected...

I can't talk to anybody about this...

I'm sincerely tired of all this...

If it’s not working, then don’t force it.

bryanarchie:


We used to do that and everything was fine, no issues at all but he changed and started bringing in what he felt like.

Yesterday, I reminded him of back then that we should go back to that way but he said no way...
He has refused to let us budget but Im 100oercent open to him financially...

I've requested counseling and he rejected...

I can't talk to anybody about this...

I'm sincerely tired of all this...

cococandy:
Maybe you can still get along with the mom. Don’t give up on that end yet. Since she apologized for her actions at that time, maybe there’s a window open somewhere for more getting along.

I'm scared to let her in anymore, I used to go back or call in to tell her certain issues but it always backfired...

When my husband left the house without informing me and was arrested without my knowledge...

I called to let her know that he did not return home and his numbers were not going through and I don't know where he is...

She turned it around on me, accusing me falsely, suspecting me of using her son and all that..
I can never forget that day because I almost ran mad with accusations and cried till I could cry no more...

When the truth prevailed, I was never apologized too...

I've never felt accepted...

I used to do everything just to be loved by his people and accepted but instead I felt castigated...

That is why I decided to stay on my own...

I've gone through a lot and made a lot of errors but one thing I know is that I've sacrificed so much to make this work...

Sorry for the long story, I'm just emotional right now...

yvelchstores:
hoping the husband will beg us. Na we go loose o.

Wystfutayofymwnit

bryanarchie:


Goodmorning MA,

It's not a blog story but my life story, I was advised by many to seek reconciliation and I considered it...

Ahhh, okay.

Good morning and all the very best

bryanarchie:
Dear family,

I need your opinion in this dilemma.. Our marriage has gone through it all but I'll give a summary...

Last year December, we had a quarrel in his family house and I left (we were just visiting( and I left without his notice or fathers pleas.

I traveled back to our home and he never looked for us or checked on us.

I felt really sad and humiliated and I sent him a text that I'm done with the marriage but I later called and apologized for the message and my facebook post and asked we moved on but he objected, saying it had gone too far.

He called me days later and said, he was done with the marriage and all...

Immediately, I got a house and moved my stuffs out and he said I can move out with everything (which I did(...

And then he called again asking me how we will sort out our rent this year and then I reminded him that he told me he was done with the marriage and I had moved out my stuffs...

He then tries to deny that he ever told me that but I insisted and I was ready to swear with my life before he accepted.

He comes back form his holiday and we talk about everything and we decide to settle it all but he tells me he has to seek his family's view and they may disown him if he settles back with me...

My main issue is we split the family monthly expenses 80:20, I'll be doing 80 because of his msc program but I insisted he has to refund me the rent money I paid for the house because I got it from shop and I have to restock it.

He says no that he will not contribute a dime for the rent but he will move in with me because it's a taboo for me to have moved out and he won't pay...

We earn the same money and I feel cheated paying our annual rent and still taking up 80oercent of the responsibility...

Please I'm putting it out here to get a non-biased view on this issue... Thank you

I am afraid your man is using you to buy time till he completes his Masters. You had better save your salary for rainy days. If you both can’t contribute 50/50, he should forget it. Abi you sef no wan do Masters?

You are really very dulll...sorry. Let me break it down.

1. You were rude to him and his family.
2. He refused to forgive you despite your apology.
3. You separated from each other after he asked you to finally move out.
4. You did move out and he didn't care.
5. Then financial need came up and he wants you to pick the whole bill.
6. He even wants to move in with you without being financially committed with the excuse his family won't want you back.

You can't even be dullerrr darling. May God help us all.

bryanarchie:


I'm scared to let her in anymore, I used to go back or call in to tell her certain issues but it always backfired...

When my husband left the house without informing me and was arrested without my knowledge...

I called to let her know that he did not return home and his numbers were not going through and I don't know where he is...

She turned it around on me, accusing me falsely, suspecting me of using her son and all that..
I can never forget that day because I almost ran mad with accusations and cried till I could cry no more...

When the truth prevailed, I was never apologized too...

I've never felt accepted...

I used to do everything just to be loved by his people and accepted but instead I felt castigated...

That is why I decided to stay on my own...

I've gone through a lot and made a lot of errors but one thing I know is that I've sacrificed so much to make this work...

Sorry for the long story, I'm just emotional right now...

I love to ignore issues like this but I guess I will chip this in.

1. Why did you go to your in-laws house when your husband asked you not to go?

Are you not wise enough to have known to stay away?

They clearly do not like you and will never support you, hence even if your husband may have his own issues, they are the major cause of your marriage problems because your husband would rather dance to their tune and will reflect their distaste towards you.

You should learn to distant yourself from them except when it's inevitable. Rallying round them will never help your cause.

2. Your husband is tires of you. He doesn't really like you anymore. You are abusive, unsubmissive and arrogant. You don't respect him. He's clearly hanging on just for the sake of finances and the child. If he had his way he would have done away with you since.

3. Now this is the saddest part. How did you find yourself in this mess? Did his parents accept you initially and then changed?

Many women in the grave now are a product of bad marriages. The rollercoaster of emotional distress, the teary burdens and the heart rendering pains, many cannot handle and as such many women have been made lifeless with the greater part of their essence crushed and broken in bits.

It seems your own challenges is already turning you into a monster.

I do not want you to tow that line like others. You are too young to go under that hammer because these issues only get worse.


Conclusion: You need to make better choices next time and not just act on emotions or impulses.
E.g. moving out (this cannot be undone anyway, plan your way forward),
taking an advance (you very well know your husband that he won't bulge when it comes to paying back so why such a foolish move?),
Visiting your in-laws (if you haven't learnt now, well....)

yvelchstores:
Advise to we women. Let us stop blowing hot hot everytime, hoping the husband will beg us. Na we go loose o. Let's humble ourselves. Madam this journey, u can't do it o

why can't she do it? I'm just curious

My interest is in what the guy is doing, masters. Why would he allow you sponsor his studies and at the same time sponsor the home? He is meant to do his masters with his money, as well as provide for his family, he is the head of the house and he must do his responsibilities, anything outside that, he is meant to worship you because you are the one feeding him and taking care of his child.

sisisioge:
You are really very dulll...sorry. Let me break it down.

1. You were rude to him and his family.
2. He refused to forgive you despite your apology.
3. You separated from each other after he asked you to finally move out.
4. You did move out and he didn't care.
5. Then financial need came up and he wants you to pick the whole bill.
6. He even wants to move in with you without being financially committed with the excuse his family won't want you back.

You can't even be dullerrr darling. May God help us all.

She's a maga. The type that can be easily manipulated or emotionally blackmailed.

Katier00:
why can't she do it? I'm just curious

Lol Katier00 how have you been coping? Sure not easy.

sisisioge:
You are really very dulll...sorry. Let me break it down.

1. You were rude to him and his family.
2. He refused to forgive you despite your apology.
3. You separated from each other after he asked you to finally move out.
4. You did move out and he didn't care.
5. Then financial need came up and he wants you to pick the whole bill.
6. He even wants to move in with you without being financially committed with the excuse his family won't want you back.

You can't even be dullerrr darling. May God help us all.

Lolsssssss...

Katier00:
why can't she do it? I'm just curious

she could but she will exhaust herself. The man is willing to make it work, she is as well. They should patch it up and limit family influence. At the end, God wants them together not apart. We should seek right standing with God rather than "justice".

.

bryanarchie:


Thank you...

Yes, my character flaw is shouting and abusing when angry and I'm working on it and that's I have taken out the walking out mode...

He said he can do without a generator but me I sincerely can't because I hate candles and I talked to him about my plans.


He actually told me not to come to his parents house because he had no money but insisted because his dad has been sick all year and I had promised a visit.

He gives 10,000naira for his child's upkeep and I was asking for a raise by 5000naira because of the generator and transport fare back.

Why taking too much financial burden upon yourself?It's contributing to the frustrations and anger you are expressing.Your husband has an income and should contribute appreciably to the family income.He should have planned for his Masters in such a way that he would still have money for family upkeep.
Spend on necessities and what you can afford,don't overburden yourself.

bryanarchie:


It's not about this quarrel but I guess it was a trigger...

I took a salary advance of 70,000naira with my husband s knowledge to get us a generator because ours was bad and then made a trio to see his dad and on getting there, I asked he please support us with our transport back home and he said because he said he never invited me there but I begged and he considered it.

With the salary advance I will be getting 25,000naira as my December salary and he still had his full salary of 95,000naira and I was asking for 15,000naira support...

Later, he came again to me and said no that he won't and then I got angry and we quarrelled.

He recorded our quarrel and played it for the family and his mom went all out on me saying a lot of things against me and my child.

My purpose of leaving was to avoid responding because I have that tendency to do that...

Note I said a lot of abusive words to him...

Cc: cococandy

You guys are really childish or let's just say you are kids.

Look at the stupid reason you want to destroy a marriage blessed with a kid for?

You my dear is too hot tempered and proud and the usual end result is single motherhood.

Your husband is yet to realise he is married and now a man, many new marriages are like this and I can bet the marriage is 3 years and below

You guys need a marriage counselor or invite pastor to come and preach better sense into your heads

My marriage was like that almost 10 years ago, we no wise that time, just like you guys now

My wife left the house because I went to watch football match in the night

I begged but she no gree, she said I must come to her parents house to beg them

Me way I no gbadun b4, i just dusted my bachelor hood certificate

Nobody told her to come back after weeks.

It saddens me to see a woman leave her matrimonial home because of trivial stuffs

Shey edi mue ni? (Are you under a spell?)

Where there are lots of women out there fasting and praying for husband

When we decided to find a wife for my father that is 75+, that is when I know that husband is scarce

We announced in church, too many women called my number

25 year old sef applied...dey do anyhow for there shogbo?

yvelchstores:
she could but she will exhaust herself. The man is willing to make it work, she is as well. They should patch it up and limit family influence. At the end, God wants them together not apart. We should seek right standing with God rather than "justice".

OK I get it

bobobooge:


Lol Katier00 how have you been coping? Sure not easy.

I don't know what you meant by copping but I doing just fine

I can only see 2 problems with your situation and that is inflated egos and the selfish sense of entitlement which breeds the need to be glorified as being right in every situation.

Even if you end this one and enter another relationship which I strongly advise against especially since it’s a marriage, you will both suffer similar predicaments.

bryanarchie:
Dear family,

I need your opinion in this dilemma.. Our marriage has gone through it all but I'll give a summary...

Last year December, we had a quarrel in his family house and I left (we were just visiting( and I left without his notice or fathers pleas.

I traveled back to our home and he never looked for us or checked on us.

I felt really sad and humiliated and I sent him a text that I'm done with the marriage but I later called and apologized for the message and my facebook post and asked we moved on but he objected, saying it had gone too far.

He called me days later and said, he was done with the marriage and all...

Immediately, I got a house and moved my stuffs out and he said I can move out with everything (which I did(...

And then he called again asking me how we will sort out our rent this year and then I reminded him that he told me he was done with the marriage and I had moved out my stuffs...

He then tries to deny that he ever told me that but I insisted and I was ready to swear with my life before he accepted.

He comes back form his holiday and we talk about everything and we decide to settle it all but he tells me he has to seek his family's view and they may disown him if he settles back with me...

My main issue is we split the family monthly expenses 80:20, I'll be doing 80 because of his msc program but I insisted he has to refund me the rent money I paid for the house because I got it from shop and I have to restock it.

He says no that he will not contribute a dime for the rent but he will move in with me because it's a taboo for me to have moved out and he won't pay...

We earn the same money and I feel cheated paying our annual rent and still taking up 80oercent of the responsibility...

Please I'm putting it out here to get a non-biased view on this issue... Thank you

Will be back.

bryanarchie:


Lolsssssss...

Funny thing is that your husband is upgrading himself with his money on masters. You are sitting down there collecting salary advances on silly things and quarreling over silly issues.

Your husband has seen that you have nothing reasonable to do with money. Why won't he feel you have all the money in the world?

Better find a means to upgrade yourself too or find a profiting investment to tie down your money on. Carry him along so it can be glaring to him that you no-longer have as much money as you used to available.

What’s your definition of trivial stuff?

Finances in marriage can never be described as trivial.

Also that ‘husband is scarce’ blackmail is old.

Yes a 17 year old can apply to marry a 75 year old man, that doesn’t mean that any woman should be grateful to have a guy in her life. Even when he’s making things more difficult

Stop it

Oblongata:


You guys are really childish or let's just say you are kids.

Look at the stupid reason you want to destroy a marriage blessed with a kid for?

You my dear is too hot tempered and proud and the usual end result is single motherhood.

Your husband is yet to realise he is married and now a man, many new marriages are like this and I can bet the marriage is 3 years and below

You guys need a marriage counselor or invite pastor to come and preach better sense into your heads

My marriage was like that almost 10 years ago, we no wise that time, just like you guys now

My wife left the house because I went to watch football match in the night

I begged but she no gree, she said I must come to her parents house to beg them

Me way I no gbadun b4, i just dusted my bachelor hood certificate

Nobody told her to come back after weeks.

It saddens me to see a woman leave her matrimonial home because of trivial stuffs

Shey edi mue ni? (Are you under a spell?)

Where there are lots of women out there fasting and praying for husband

When we decided to find a wife for my father that is 75+, that is when I know that husband is scarce

We announced in church, too many women called my number

25 year old sef applied...dey do anyhow for there shogbo?

It seems like you’re the man’s sister.
What action of his indicates that he’s willing to make it work?

yvelchstores:
she could but she will exhaust herself. The man is willing to make it work, she is as well. They should patch it up and limit family influence. At the end, God wants them together not apart. We should seek right standing with God rather than "justice".

Madam, together or alone you need to plan your life.

You have a right to be upset with how your husband set you up and how your mother in law reacted, family is supposed to settle matters not escalate it, however I warn against verbal violence, shouting and being abusive is a form of violence.

As for your expenses, you need to organise yourself and stop spending without a budget. 200K rent on a 95k salary was too much, 150k or 100k is okay.

Now I advise you start a sterling bank savings investment account, you have to start with 50k but every month you can put 10k and you get 13 percent interest, that helps with some discipline and the interest helps, at the end of the year you cash in and pay rent and fees without sweating.

Now divide bills, If you are buying 6000 light units let him pay for water and fuel for gen, he should do foodstuff 25k monthly so you buy in bulk.

Write down every single thing you spend money on and budget for it, both doing your share.
This plan is if you decide to stay together even if you decide to stay alone it will help.

I don't like the kind of man he seems to be.

bryanarchie:
Dear family,

I need your opinion in this dilemma.. Our marriage has gone through it all but I'll give a summary...

Last year December, we had a quarrel in his family house and I left (we were just visiting( and I left without his notice or fathers pleas.

I traveled back to our home and he never looked for us or checked on us.

I felt really sad and humiliated and I sent him a text that I'm done with the marriage but I later called and apologized for the message and my facebook post and asked we moved on but he objected, saying it had gone too far.

He called me days later and said, he was done with the marriage and all...

Immediately, I got a house and moved my stuffs out and he said I can move out with everything (which I did(...

And then he called again asking me how we will sort out our rent this year and then I reminded him that he told me he was done with the marriage and I had moved out my stuffs...

He then tries to deny that he ever told me that but I insisted and I was ready to swear with my life before he accepted.

He comes back form his holiday and we talk about everything and we decide to settle it all but he tells me he has to seek his family's view and they may disown him if he settles back with me...

My main issue is we split the family monthly expenses 80:20, I'll be doing 80 because of his msc program but I insisted he has to refund me the rent money I paid for the house because I got it from shop and I have to restock it.

He says no that he will not contribute a dime for the rent but he will move in with me because it's a taboo for me to have moved out and he won't pay...

We earn the same money and I feel cheated paying our annual rent and still taking up 80oercent of the responsibility...

Please I'm putting it out here to get a non-biased view on this issue... Thank you

What is this I'm reading

Is this one marriage or what? This man is just using your head...sorry to say. He knows your emotional triggers and weaknesses...he uses it against you ...and then makes you feel guilty afterwards.

My dear....this is not how marriage works biko!!! Don't let anyone take you for a fool all in the name of LOVE and MARRIAGE.

There are situations when it's better to be Single and Sane than Married and being turned to a Mad woman.

Don't let this man into your life again unless he is ready to make it work. Tell those people that advised you to seek reconciliation to go talk to him too.

When he drains your pocket and dumps you after his Master's degree, na that time your eye go clear!

cococandy:

What’s your definition of trivial stuff?

Finances in marriage can never be described as trivial.

Also that ‘husband is scarce’ blackmail is old.

Yes a 17 year old can apply to marry a 75 year old man, that doesn’t mean that any woman should be grateful to have a guy in her life. Even when he’s making things more difficult

Stop it

My dear in marriage there are usually only 3 people involved; husband, wife and the counselor...

Were you there when they made decisions about their finances?

A situation like 'don't worry, go for your Masters, i will use my funds to finance the family in the meantime' could have sufficed and after seeing the heavy burden subsequently, storm of reneged brewed.

I am not saying that is what happened, but even if your husband is breathing down on you financially, there are dozens of way you can stop that, the most cowardly is to move out.

Before I go on, are you married?

Well ask her first if she agreed to be the sole breadwinner before assuming it might have happened. I don’t know how she would be complaining about that if that was their plan.

My marital status is not really relevant here.

Oblongata:
My dear in marriage there are usually only 3 people involved; husband, wife and the counselor...

Were you there when they made decisions about their finances?

A situation like 'don't worry, go for your Masters, i will use my funds to finance the family in the meantime' could have sufficed and after seeing the heavy burden subsequently, storm of reneged brewed.

I am not saying that is what happened, but even if your husband is breathing down on you financially, there are dozens of way you can stop that, the most cowardly is to move out.

Before I go on, are you married?

Absolutely a great idea. The sterling bank thing.

OP look into that. With 10k set aside each month, at the end of the year, your 100k rent won’t be a problem.

With him or without him.

The initial 50k start up might be a problem but it’s doable. It’s even a better reason to take a salary advance than a generator

Assist23:
Madam, together or alone you need to plan your life.

You have a right to be upset with how your husband set you up and how your mother in law reacted, family is supposed to settle matters not escalate it, however I warn against verbal violence, shouting and being abusive is a form of violence.

As for your expenses, you need to organise yourself and stop spending without a budget. 200K rent on a 95k salary was too much, 150k or 100k is okay.

Now I advise you start a sterling bank savings investment account, you have to start with 50k but every month you can put 10k and you get 13 percent interest, that helps with some discipline and the interest helps, at the end of the year you cash in and pay rent and fees without sweating.

Now divide bills, If you are buying 6000 light units let him pay for water and fuel for gen, he should do foodstuff 25k monthly so you buy in bulk.

Write down every single thing you spend money on and budget for it, both doing your share.
This plan is if you decide to stay together even if you decide to stay alone it will help.

I don't like the kind of man he seems to be.

Mmm hmm

eniolorunfe:


What is this I'm reading

Is this one marriage or what? This man is just using your head...sorry to say. He knows your emotional triggers and weaknesses...he uses it against you ...and then makes you feel guilty afterwards.

My dear....this is not how marriage works biko!!! Don't let anyone take you for a fool all in the name of LOVE and MARRIAGE.

There are situations when it's better to be Single and Sane than Married and being turned to a Mad woman.

Don't let this man into your life again unless he is ready to make it work. Tell those people that advised you to seek reconciliation to go talk to him too.

When he drains your pocket and dumps you after his Master's degree, na that time your eye go clear!

cococandy:
Well ask her first if she agreed to be the sole breadwinner before assuming it might have happened. I don’t know how she would be complaining about that if that was their plan.

My marital status is not really relevant here.

Then you don't know marriages; anybody can get tired and frustrated anytime. The op only made an outburst and she would be fine before evening