Issue has been solved.

He’s set in his ways there’s only so much you can do especially regarding female company!
A vacation is a good idea it’ll do him a lot of good. He may need a chaperone to fully enjoy the trip too! Explore a place like Jerusalem I find that ima lot of older folks visit the place in groups!

Adult education or setting up a business I don’t think is wise at his age and stage.

Ensure you visit as often as you can and provide as much as you can

Leave the rest!

The university degree is a good idea and something that will keep him busy and challenge his mind. It would also make him mix up with a new crowd especially the part time program where you have more mature students.

Also, the vacation will do him good to see the world outside where he is which will expand his thinking.

You should also get him a laptop and let him join Facebook and connect with friends. And if possible, he can also learn a sport like tennis if it is accessible around.

Do you know a "good" woman to introduce him to?
Is your mom remarried or/and any hope.of reconciliation between them?

Vacations, education, social media etc won't give him whatever he's seeking in a woman, you can only erase that woman by bringing him another and if he likes her or gets hooked, quietly arrange to annul the other marriage.

We became vulnerable when we grow old, reason the young and carefree should endeavour to get it right by marrying and staying married to the right person. When you are old and stupid , a loving spouse that has been through thick and thin with you makes the whole journey pleasurable.

ImaIma1:
The university degree is a good idea and something that will keep him busy and challenge his mind. It would also make him mix up with a new crowd especially the part time program where you have more mature students.

Also, the vacation will do him good to see the world outside where he is which will expand his thinking.

You should also get him a laptop and let him join Facebook and connect with friends. And if possible, he can also learn a sport like tennis if it is accessible around.

Thanks dear for this reply, it has been noted. I will surely start planning this whole thing now.

ifyalways:
Do you know a "good" woman to introduce him to?
Is your mom remarried or/and any hope.of reconciliation between them?

Vacations, education, social media etc won't give him whatever he's seeking in a woman, you can only erase that woman by bringing him another and if he likes her or gets hooked, quietly arrange to annul the other marriage.

We became vulnerable when we grow old, reason the young and carefree should endeavour to get it right by marrying and staying married to the right person. When you are old and stupid , a loving spouse that has been through thick and thin with you makes the whole journey pleasurable.

Main reason why I want to start exposing him to environments where he will start having access to his mates who are likely not opportunists and have something going for them, atleast on dating sites we see women of 50+ getting swindled by G boys. Why? Because they have a vacuum in their heart that needs to be filled. I believe if my dad Starts exposing himself to nice environments he will surely meet his soul mate one way or the other. Due to the current economy it’s rare to see a comfortable woman who is sincerely seeking a soulmate, all we have are liabilities who are looking for someone who will shoulder their bullshits.

Hello jackyraw09,

This must be very distressing for you and especially your father.

He chose the woman himself for reasons best known to him so disengaging from her must be his decision with you gently encouraging him otherwise,no matter what you do,he will pine for her and sneak back to her at the slightest opportunity.

When you say he is weak,what do you mean? Does he have any cognitive impairment? Is his mind as sharp as it used to be,is he forgetful,is he able to feed,bathe, dress himself without help?

What is the woman's function? Companionship or help with daily stuff he needs done for him?


Ask him what he wants? What are his interests? What does he want to do? Where are places he wants to visit? Travelling sounds great if in a group that share same interests.

He can start up a small walking football club for oldies ,they can meet and walk kick football for one hour just to keep fit.

A university may be too much to handle but have you asked him if he wants to attend? A computer school may even be simpler just to keep him occupied.

How about book clubs?They read a particular and pick a day to discuss it.

Stuff like that that are not too tasking but can keep him occupied.

It's important you don't infantilise him as he may resent this and just do the opposite of what you want.

Gentle encouragement to see things from your perspective and accept the help you can offer.


I hope it improves.

Cheers!

Creamcustard:
Hello jackyraw09,

This must be very distressing for you and especially your father.

He chose the woman himself for reasons best known to him so disengaging from her must be his decision with you gently encouraging him otherwise,no matter what you do,he will pine for her and sneak back to her at the slightest opportunity.

When you say he is weak,what do you mean? Does he have any cognitive impairment? Is his mind as sharp as it used to be,is he forgetful,is he able to feed,bathe, dress himself without help?
No cognitive impairment, his mind is not sharp at all, he is very forgetful, super-forgetful. This is someone who has forgotten he lost over a million couple of months ago and is not even supporting the efforts of the soldiers tracking the fraudster. They asked him where the woman lives and he was lying that he does not know the place. he took them to her shop and was afraid of getting out of the car. tell him A, ask him a minute later and he will argue that you said B.

On top of this, he's super secretive, you would decide on this, he would proceed to do something else, perhaps this has to do with him forgetting what you decided on at the first place, i am not sure. Growing up, he abused his children just to satisfy outsiders, always beating us even for the most trivial issues as long as its an outsider that came to report, (maybe inferiority complex?). Now, he lacks the confidence to confront ANYONE except my lil bro who is 20+, he cannot even confront the lil girl the woman brought from another marriage but let my bro just try to correct my Dad on anything and you will see the fearless part of him.

What is the woman's function? Companionship or help with daily stuff he needs done for him?
it is supposed to be companionship, but being the heartless person she is, she does not offer him none, his bathroom has remained unclean for the past one month, tell him to confront her and he will tell you he will do that tommorow. tommorow no dey finish.


Ask him what he wants? What are his interests? What does he want to do? Where are places he wants to visit? Travelling sounds great if in a group that share same interests.

This man has none! no goals, no dreams, no taste, give him sharwama, he will eat, give him garri, he will eat, buy him expensive clothe, he will wear, buy him rag, he will still wear, ask him what he wants, he will answer anything, ask him where he would like to visit, he will say he needs to consult his alfa, ask him what to cook, he will say anything, he has no identity of his own. damn!

He can start up a small walking football club for oldies ,they can meet and walk kick football for one hour just to keep fit.
he's now playing tennis. thanks

A university may be too much to handle but have you asked him if he wants to attend? A computer school may even be simpler just to keep him occupied.
Anything just to build his mind and get him back into being responsible on a daily basis.

How about book clubs?They read a particular and pick a day to discuss it.
Do we have those in this country?

Stuff like that that are not too tasking but can keep him occupied.

It's important you don't infantilise him as he may resent this and just do the opposite of what you want.

Gentle encouragement to see things from your perspective and accept the help you can offer.


I hope it improves.

Cheers!

Creamcustard, modified, thanks

I HATE seeing elderly people being maltreated.

Get a relation to stay with your dad as regards to his upkeep and feeding, a relative that is strong willed and has family value.
The reason for this suggestion is that, you will go back and your dad is likey to bring her back, your daddy's wellbeing is paramount for now.
Education? I'm not sure that your dad can deal with that at his age, however you can take him on vacation to see other places, enrol him into clubs or groups he will meet people with sound mind, make sure it's a group where he won't feel intimidated and then go back to his old peers.
Mostly importantly, even if your dad wants to take her back, the sister should go!


Better still, you and your relatives can look for a good woman for him.

I hate seekng elderly people being maltreated

I know they are divorced but what is your mum saying about this? Did she remarry?

ericbertrand:
I know they are divorced but what is your mum saying about this? Did she remarry?

Yea she did. Reconciliation is not an option at the moment. Thank you bro

OK. Try to get her to talk to him, they were once married so she probably knows him more than anyone. Pls before the new wife drives him to an early grave.

ericbertrand:
OK. Try to get her to talk to him, they were once married so she probably knows him more than anyone. Pls before the new wife drives him to an early grave.

okay bro, thank you

jackyraw09:


Creamcustard, modified, thanks

Thank you for replying.

From the little you've written it does seem your father was very harsh when you were growing up and it is baffling for you to see him in this 'weakened' state.

It must've been quite a difficult childhood,sorry about that.

You mention that his mind is not sharp at all and he is super forgetful,he's even forgotten that he lost a huge amount of money and is saying different things.

It seems he was saying different things and you thought he was lying.

When I asked about cognitive decline,I mean forgetfulness,problems with memory,misplacing things, difficulty paying attention,getting lost,
moody,sometimes agitated, difficulty recognising people,places or things,finding things they used to do before very overwhelming, difficulty carrying out daily tasks,slower speech, struggling to remember words etc these are some features,depends on how severe.

What you have mentioned sounds like a man who now appears confused ,disorientated , lost,misplacing things fearful,not confident,bad short term memory,now very dependent on people to make decisions for him and do things for him, a complete opposite of the person you knew him to be.Arguing with your brother may be default mode,him doing what he knows to do best.

In the elderly some cognitive decline is normal,but for some people it veers towards dementia.

I'm not saying this is what it is as I haven't assessed your father,but where I work( outside Naija) when we see people like this we like to speak with them and their families,do a scan,do some blood tests,some paper exercises before we can say for sure this is it.

We also give medications but the medication is not a cure,all it does is slow down progression of disease.

I don't know what the pathway is in Nigeria and I think I'm jumping the gun but if you are concerned you should go to see a medic to rule out any other causes of this. Maybe it's normal aging,maybe there's something more? Can't tell.

What I'm really trying to say is that the forgetfulness could be very frightening for him ,The changes he may be noting in himself would be quite distressing .
Imagine being in a constant state of confusion , misplacing everything.. imagine the state his mind is in..a huge whirl so confrontation may lead to further antagonism and agitation.

If there is a medical problem,he may never return to the man you knew so simple steps to make life easier and simpler.

Eg 1. A watch that has the day and time
2. A diary and a pen for him to carry around and remind himself of things
3.Keep stimulated: it's excellent that he's started tennis
4. He can join the choir

He is also very vulnerable and already is being abused by his wife and her sister. He must be afraid of them but sees them as his care givers ,they are familiar to him so in situations like this,will swallow abuse than be in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.


Abusers don't change,instead they will terrorise him further and hide the abuse better.

If they've started leaving his surroundings dirty,imagine what would happen if he declined further and maybe wets himself etc?


The only way to stop this is to find a carer to help him with his day to day living and also remove him and cut contact from the abusers.

However,if you feel his behaviour is no cause for concern per se,it's talking and gentle encouragement.


I wish you all the best..I'm sure I've forgotten to write a lot more things, busy at work.sorry

What the OP failed to mention here is that this woman is his father's Karma. The mother struggled and suffered with his dad when they were married. Op's dad was very abusive, a chronic cheat and abandoned his responsibilities. Infact, he built his new house and moved there with the step mum.
Eventually, Op's mum got her mojo and bounced....OP's dad is now old and frail and is expecting a slay queen to moddle cuddle him?
Where was he when OP's mum was been maltreated? When she got diagnosed with Diabetes and High BP? What you sow you reap!
Oga shebi we advised you to hands off this matter when you brought it to SDK but you no wan hear? Go and face your own home and leave your dad to face his marriage

keepingmum:
What the OP failed to mention here is that this woman is his father's Karma. The mother struggled and suffered with his dad when they were married. Op's dad was very abusive, a chronic cheat and abandoned his responsibilities. Infact, he built his new house and moved there with the step mum.
Eventually, Op's mum got her mojo and bounced....OP's dad is now old and frail and is expecting a slay queen to moddle cuddle him?
Where was he when OP's mum was been maltreated? When she got diagnosed with Diabetes and High BP? What you sow you reap!
Oga shebi we advised you to hands off this matter when you brought it to SDK but you no wan hear? Go and face your own home and leave your dad to face his marriage

Huh? Are you sure you did not miss road?

Creamcustard:


Thank you for replying.

From the little you've written it does seem your father was very harsh when you were growing up and it is baffling for you to see him in this 'weakened' state.

It must've been quite a difficult childhood,sorry about that.

You mention that his mind is not sharp at all and he is super forgetful,he's even forgotten that he lost a huge amount of money and is saying different things.

It seems he was saying different things and you thought he was lying.

When I asked about cognitive decline,I mean forgetfulness,problems with memory,misplacing things, difficulty paying attention,getting lost,
moody,sometimes agitated, difficulty recognising people,places or things,finding things they used to do before very overwhelming, difficulty carrying out daily tasks,slower speech, struggling to remember words etc these are some features,depends on how severe.

What you have mentioned sounds like a man who now appears confused ,disorientated , lost,misplacing things fearful,not confident,bad short term memory,now very dependent on people to make decisions for him and do things for him, a complete opposite of the person you knew him to be.Arguing with your brother may be default mode,him doing what he knows to do best.

In the elderly some cognitive decline is normal,but for some people it veers towards dementia.

I'm not saying this is what it is as I haven't assessed your father,but where I work( outside Naija) when we see people like this we like to speak with them and their families,do a scan,do some blood tests,some paper exercises before we can say for sure this is it.

We also give medications but the medication is not a cure,all it does is slow down progression of disease.

I don't know what the pathway is in Nigeria and I think I'm jumping the gun but if you are concerned you should go to see a medic to rule out any other causes of this. Maybe it's normal aging,maybe there's something more? Can't tell.

What I'm really trying to say is that the forgetfulness could be very frightening for him ,The changes he may be noting in himself would be quite distressing .
Imagine being in a constant state of confusion , misplacing everything.. imagine the state his mind is in..a huge whirl so confrontation may lead to further antagonism and agitation.

If there is a medical problem,he may never return to the man you knew so simple steps to make life easier and simpler.

Eg 1. A watch that has the day and time
2. A diary and a pen for him to carry around and remind himself of things
3.Keep stimulated: it's excellent that he's started tennis
4. He can join the choir

He is also very vulnerable and already is being abused by his wife and her sister. He must be afraid of them but sees them as his care givers ,they are familiar to him so in situations like this,will swallow abuse than be in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.


Abusers don't change,instead they will terrorise him further and hide the abuse better.

If they've started leaving his surroundings dirty,imagine what would happen if he declined further and maybe wets himself etc?


The only way to stop this is to find a carer to help him with his day to day living and also remove him and cut contact from the abusers.

However,if you feel his behaviour is no cause for concern per se,it's talking and gentle encouragement.


I wish you all the best..I'm sure I've forgotten to write a lot more things, busy at work.sorry

Thank you so much for taking your time to write this. You’ve expanded my perspective. I will take time to take your suggestions into play

keepingmum:
What the OP failed to mention here is that this woman is his father's Karma. The mother struggled and suffered with his dad when they were married. Op's dad was very abusive, a chronic cheat and abandoned his responsibilities. Infact, he built his new house and moved there with the step mum.
Eventually, Op's mum got her mojo and bounced....OP's dad is now old and frail and is expecting a slay queen to moddle cuddle him?
Where was he when OP's mum was been maltreated? When she got diagnosed with Diabetes and High BP? What you sow you reap!
Oga shebi we advised you to hands off this matter when you brought it to SDK but you no wan hear? Go and face your own home and leave your dad to face his marriage

Oga o

jackyraw09:


Huh? Are you sure you did not miss road?

I surprise as she narrate the matter like her family matter

Oyindidi:
I surprise as she narrate the matter like her family matter

very sure

keepingmum:
What the OP failed to mention here is that this woman is his father's Karma. The mother struggled and suffered with his dad when they were married. Op's dad was very abusive, a chronic cheat and abandoned his responsibilities. Infact, he built his new house and moved there with the step mum.
Eventually, Op's mum got her mojo and bounced....OP's dad is now old and frail and is expecting a slay queen to moddle cuddle him?
Where was he when OP's mum was been maltreated? When she got diagnosed with Diabetes and High BP? What you sow you reap!
Oga shebi we advised you to hands off this matter when you brought it to SDK but you no wan hear? Go and face your own home and leave your dad to face his marriage

This woman
You may not be far from the truth though, the only difference is that the old man at least has a child that still cares even upon all the bad treatments towards his mom.

Creamcustard:




In the elderly some cognitive decline is normal,but for some people it veers towards dementia.

We also give medications but the medication is not a cure,all it does is slow down progression of disease.

Pls can you recommend drugs for someone having dementia (Alzheimer). Mum is 57 and is already suffering from it. The drugs being used here always worsen her condition that it has deteriorated severely. Can hardly attach my name to face. If we can communicate via email, I will so much appreciate.
Thanks

keepingmum:


very sure

lol
No boring day on Nl
Are You sure You are not Ops mother?

LadySarah:


lol
No boring day on Nl
Are You sure You are not Ops mother?

she must be my mother lol

carammel:

This woman
You may not be far from the truth though, the only difference is that the old man at least has a child that still cares even upon all the bad treatments towards his mom.

While the internet helps to gain perspectives from strangers. It also exposes you to psychopaths. Sighs

kelechiodo:


Pls can you recommend drugs for someone having dementia (Alzheimer). Mum is 57 and is already suffering from it. The drugs being used here always worsen her condition that it has deteriorated severely. Can hardly attach my name to face. If we can communicate via email, I will so much appreciate.
Thanks

Hello Kelechiodo,

I'm sorry for your predicament,it is a very difficult situation.

Early onset dementia unfortunately does not have a good prognosis and it is heart breaking to see a loved one wither away before your eyes.
Seems it has really progressed as she isn't able to recognise you.

Unfortunately,due to professional constraints I cannot start prescribing / recommending medications for someone I cannot see and assess and I need to reiterate that medications do not cure/ reverse this disease,just slow it down depending on how advanced it is.

There are different medications used in dementia ..there's memantine, donepezil, galantamine, rivastigmine etc

Each one is selected according to the medical history of the patient,the type of dementia and the side effects.

It is usually a complicated process, a full interview of the person and family is taken, some paper exercises done, blood tests to make sure it's not an infection, electrolyte imbalance,even dehydration and then at least a CT scan to rule out a bleed in the brain ,a brain tumor etc as these are a few diseases that can present like dementia.


I'm explaining this so you see why it's hard to recommend medication .

It seems you've gone through the above and arrived at a diagnosis.

Unfortunately,there's no magic pill and this disease sadly gets worse and the patient as time passes gets more agitated, aggressive ,confused and barely able to do anything for themselves.

I would recommend that she is managed by a psychiatrist who has experience in managing dementia.

You also have to be very alert as sometimes if more agitated than usual,an infection could be the reason and antibiotics would bring back to her baseline.

I wish I had better news to give and able to give more hope .

Creamcustard:


Hello Kelechiodo,

I'm sorry for your predicament,it is a very difficult situation.

It is usually a complicated process, a full interview of the person and family is taken, some paper exercises done, blood tests to make sure it's not an infection, electrolyte imbalance,even dehydration and then at least a CT scan to rule out a bleed in the brain ,a brain tumor etc as these are a few diseases that can present like dementia.


I'm explaining this so you see why it's hard to recommend medication .

It seems you've gone through the above and arrived at a diagnosis.

Unfortunately,there's no magic pill and this disease sadly gets worse and the patient as time passes gets more agitated, aggressive ,confused and barely able to do anything for themselves.


I wish I had better news to give and able to give more hope .

Hmm. I really wish you have a better news. All the necessary test was done, it was actually the brain scan that stated something like “ Atrophy, .....Alzheimer suspected”. Unfortunately it seems that where their expertise ended. The first doctor that handled her just wanted to send her to early grave. Was busy shouting “no solution, no solution”, and always prescribe only ” hardol” for her that nearly turned her into zombie. Infact without mincing word, the medicines offered here seem to accelerate the entire thing and just like you stated, she cannot do anything by herself again outside eating.
What surprises me is that she was never agitated but only confused till it degenerate to this present stage when she eventually retired from her teaching job. Though we already stopped her from going to office a year prior to the retirement day. Well, like Christians, we can only hope that somehow, miracle will happen either in form of divine healing or vaccine discovered before it becomes late.

We have traced the family history to fourth generation, nothing like that was seen.

Thanks very much for your prompt reply.

.