Please bare with me this post is coming from a wife and mother that is in a bad place emotionally.

I have been with my husband for 10 years married for 5 years. Two children 3 and 1.5years.

Recently we had a huge busy up over my husband making big financial decisions behind my back.
2 years ago he went through his mum to purchase land in Nigeria and did not tell me about it. It’s only wen coincidentally someone called me and warned me about ‘nigerians’ saying I should not to trust him fully that he might be building in Nigeria as we speak, I told him about the convo as a joke like ‘imagine what this person is saying’ I defended my husband that he’s not like that. The next day he sat me down n said ‘babe guess what! We bought land in Nigeria’ I responded saying who is we because I didn’t know anything about this.
His mum kept quiet for one year she didn’t know I knew. Wen she discovered I knew about it she called me with a fob story ‘iyawo, I’ve been telling him to tell u. Even me I don’t like what he did I’ve been telling him I didn’t know he already told u’ I just laughed it off n said no problem.

Fast forward just three weeks back he decided he wants to build apartments on the land. We did all the calculations and I told him it was not a good financial decision as we live off pounds and the naira he is expecting can not sustain us here (UK). His mum called me and I explained the same thing to her that first of all we do not own any property yet in the UK were just going through the process and secondly a lot of money will go into building and the returns will not be worth it. His mum said she can’t believe what’s coming out of my mouth that it’s not for her it’s for me and my kids I politely said ma I understand but this is something we have to still think about maybe in the next two years. After few days I hear that his mum already got contractors etc and building commenced two days after that phone call!!
That was the last and final straw. I have accommodated a lot of rubbish from my husband over the years I have been patient with him.
1. He is a serial cheat though he doesn’t rub it in my face and tries his best to hide it I always find things out about him with other women.
2. He never defends me wen it comes to anything to do with his family. I’m automatically the enemy but if his sisters insult me he will always make excuses for them. I try my level best to get on with everyone I really do but I’ve reached a point of tiptoeing around his family because I know if they should say something about me my husband will never defend me. I have literally been in my own house with his sister fighting me and my husband said that’s just how she is I should leave it.
3. My husband prioritises his own enjoyment with friends etc clubbing, vacations and different activities
4. My husband only started sharing duties with our children four months ago after a big falling out prior to that he had only changed maybe 3 nappies in 3years! He has still ever bathed the kids.

I have been on antidepressants because of him there was a time last year I nearly got into a car accident because my mind was so overwhelmed I just ended up parking and breathing through it. At the worst point I started having panic attacks and was so insecure to go outside because I would wonder if his concubines see me without me knowing them. I have seen some of the girls he per-sues and honestly I am not that. I am not ugly myself but I have gained weight from my kids though I can still package myself well. I just do not feel like I am enough for this man.

I have been told by different older women that that is how men are I just have to find happiness in my children and wait for him to change but I am sorry I don’t believe women were put on this earth to suffer.

I am too young and too good of a person to only know misery at the hands of a man that claims he loves me.

The only good thing I can say about my husband is anything financial he is 10/10 he is the main breadwinner though I also work and have a professional career he doesn’t ask about my income or expenses. At the same time I don’t ask him for money either I pay some small bills and do food shopping etc and buy my kids everything they need. My husband pays the rent and kids nursery fees which are two big bills.

I am so exhausted in giving him multiple chances I just need to take a stand. I told him I want a separation but he didn’t take me seriously he always thinks everything is a joke with me. For three weeks I haven’t spoken with his mum or sisters I ignore their calls and messages I felt like because I’m not Nigerian they want to use my head or something or maybe because I don’t fight or argue they think I’m a door mat.

I don’t know how reasonable I am being but I’m really tired I’m so tired of being taken for granted.

p.s his family are well off they don’t need anything from him I just feel they like to intrude and control which he can’t see.

I need real experienced advise from those that have been there or witnessed such before because these guys are too advanced for meh simple brain.

''Someone called you and warned you..........but you defended your husband''. Now that reality has dawned on you, you better take that advice seriously. Buying land and building in Nigeria is a fantastic idea, even if you ''live off pounds''. Nigerian men have pride in owning property in their home land, but the only issue here is why he did not inform you, but informed his mother. He should have informed you, wether you accept or not. Now that work has started I think you should stop nagging about the issue. Let him build in Nigeria, he will definitely build a house over there maybe in the future. You even mentioned it is his money, and that he performs his financial obligations 10/10, so why are you so bothered? Try and save your salary to start something for yourself far into the future, because you never can tell where that marriage is heading to.

The major issue here should be about his cheatings and your ''very poor self esteem''. Its pathetic reading these lines: ''at the worst point I started having panic attacks and was so insecure to go outside because I would wonder if his concubines see me without me knowing them''. Between being a successful mother with a career and being a concubine chasing married men which is better? Who should feel ashamed between the two? Like I always say, single girls chasing married men may also find themselves as mothers in future, who have either added weight or lost shape, so why should you bother? Motherhood is a thing of pride.
Continue to try your best looking good, stop feeling bad about your looks.

You never mentioned how you met or married him, from the look of things there is no love from his angle towards you, because you mentioned that he values clubbing, outings with friends, doesn't defend you within his family, sides his sister when issues arise, etc, these are terrible red flags, the separation you asked him for may lead to a complete loss of your marriage, better have that in mind. It doesn't seem like he values the marriage that much. Can separation truly make you happy? What happens to the kids? Maybe you should give your marriage more time.

Lovefury, which country national are you? Coz I read where u wrote that you ain't Nigerian.

Most Nigerians outside Nigeria like to have a building back home in Nigeria. So it's nothing new.

Hmmm...please try to breath. Try to live. Try to love self. Just plain relax.

I may be wrong o but I think you're over reacting. The issues you outlined weigh more on your insecurities. He cheats with beautiful girls, that's the issue! He doesn't defend you around his families... Second issue.

If you were a Nigerian, you would have realized that most men would never openly take sides when it comes to rifts between their extended families and their wives. Rather, they would calm the situation and pacify either of the parties in private. Please avoid confrontations with them, they probably don't like you much.

About his cheating, that's crazy. Please address that matter with him while its still hot. He shouldn't do that to you! Meanwhile, try to gain your confidence back. Lose the weight(anti depressants are also culprits) and try to find happiness somehow.

Finally, this building project. Thankfully, he brought you in on it. However, you apparently have no plans of ever retiring back to Nigeria with him. People love to invest in real estate back home for several reasons. Please let it slide so long as he's not short falling in the finances at home or bothering you with it.

Overall, just try to relax and find some life and happiness around you. Cheers.

All u're experiencing were dere before the marriage, like his serial cheating ( has nothing to do with u gaining small weight after kids, rather who he is. he will still cheat if u lose weight ), family / sisters not liking you (them no like u from the start ...him never defending u relays he don't care much for u either bcus men will defend their territory), placing their opinions above yours, his enjoyment above yours... etc. He doesn't have much love or respect for u if he's doing all these things. Unfortunately this is who u married n the family u married into. Maybe u married him thinking things wud change only to find them worsen five years into the marriage.

U've listed your concerns for us. Have u done the same with him? Though he knows how he treats u (trust, he knows!), nothing wrong with saying you're not happy due to these happenings. If he loves u he will work with u to better your marriage. Can't imagine being married to a man who gives me depression and panic attacks. Don't let a man kill u before ur time.

Should we go hard on you in the name of truth or sooth your soul with lies just because we don't want to hurt you? You've 'had it' just because your husband first bought a land in Nigeria and then brushed aside your suggestion and his mom went ahead to get contractors ON HIS MONEY!

Well, typically of Nigerians, securing a landed property is a prime target for most and you failed to realize that the land could be taken from him in two years. Two years is a very long time to leave a land idle and not develop on it. I hate to say it but you were clearly insensitive there. Save you are buying in a super high brow area, a land left that long is as good as gone.

He hasn't done well in carrying you along. Perhaps he saw through you and thought not tell you because he knew you'd ward off the idea from the start or that you wouldn't go with it. I sure believe he wanted reinforcement and not suggestions, which was why he never told you.

It's a good thing you mentioned that he is committed to the family financially and he isn't concerned about your money. On cheating, I'd suggest you sit him down and out forward whatever evidence you have. As far as investing in real estate is concerned, please drink a litre of water and lay back.

You had to 'dig' up his cheating aspect just because 'you've had it' after your suggestion was discarded. Had he listened to you, I'm sure you'd not rush on here to share this. I'd never encourage cheating but given the circumstances with which it is revealed, I'd say I have my reservations. I honestly have no idea if seperation is being sought after on grounds of 'not taking my advice' or cheating.

I think your utmost concern in all of these is your mental and emotional health then seeing that his commitment and taking care of 'THE TWO HUGE BILLS' don't suffer.

May God not let us jam people who'd stand to demonize us when things don't go their way.

Sanchez01:
Should we go hard on you in the name of truth or sooth your soul with lies just because we don't want to hurt you? You've 'had it' just because your husband first bought a land in Nigeria and then brushed aside your suggestion and his mom went ahead to get contractors ON HIS MONEY!

Well, typically of Nigerians, securing a landed property is a prime target for most and you failed to realize that the land could be taken from him in two years. Two years is a very long time to leave a land idle and not develop on it. I hate to say it but you were clearly insensitive there. Save you are buying in a super high brow area, a land left that long is as good as gone.

He hasn't done well in carrying you along. Perhaps he saw through you and thought not tell you because he knew you'd ward off the idea from the start or that you wouldn't go with it. I sure believe he wanted reinforcement and not suggestions, which was why he never told you.

It's a good thing you mentioned that he is committed to the family financially and he isn't concerned about your money. On cheating, I'd suggest you sit him down and out forward whatever evidence you have. As far as investing in real estate is concerned, please drink a litre of water and lay back.

You had to 'dig' up his cheating aspect just because 'you've had it' after your suggestion was discarded. Had he listened to you, I'm sure you'd not rush on here to share this. I'd never encourage cheating but given the circumstances with which it is revealed, I'd say I have my reservations. I honestly have no idea if seperation is being sought after on grounds of 'not taking my advice' or cheating.

I think your utmost concern in all of these is your mental and emotional health then seeing that his commitment and taking care of 'THE TWO HUGE BILLS' don't suffer.

May God not let us jam people who'd stand to demonize us when things don't go their way.

Two years is too far, if you do not develop the land within 7 months, just forget about it.

Read through the story over and over again, my only issue with the man is him not protecting his wife in the presence of his family and his womanizing spirit.

The lady should relax and have a chill pill, it hasn't got to divorce. investing in real estate isn't a bad idea, the man didn't inform her on time because he thought she won't buy into the plan, so he bought the land with the intention of telling her later.

Lovefury:

Please bare with me this post is coming from a wife and mother that is in a bad place emotionally.

I have been with my husband for 10 years married for 5 years. Two children 3 and 1.5years.

Recently we had a huge busy up over my husband making big financial decisions behind my back.
2 years ago he went through his mum to purchase land in Nigeria and did not tell me about it. It’s only wen coincidentally someone called me and warned me about ‘nigerians’ saying I should not to trust him fully that he might be building in Nigeria as we speak, I told him about the convo as a joke like ‘imagine what this person is saying’ I defended my husband that he’s not like that. The next day he sat me down n said ‘babe guess what! We bought land in Nigeria’ I responded saying who is we because I didn’t know anything about this.
His mum kept quiet for one year she didn’t know I knew. Wen she discovered I knew about it she called me with a fob story ‘iyawo, I’ve been telling him to tell u. Even me I don’t like what he did I’ve been telling him I didn’t know he already told u’ I just laughed it off n said no problem.

Fast forward just three weeks back he decided he wants to build apartments on the land. We did all the calculations and I told him it was not a good financial decision as we live off pounds and the naira he is expecting can not sustain us here (UK). His mum called me and I explained the same thing to her that first of all we do not own any property yet in the UK were just going through the process and secondly a lot of money will go into building and the returns will not be worth it. His mum said she can’t believe what’s coming out of my mouth that it’s not for her it’s for me and my kids I politely said ma I understand but this is something we have to still think about maybe in the next two years. After few days I hear that his mum already got contractors etc and building commenced two days after that phone call!!
That was the last and final straw. I have accommodated a lot of rubbish from my husband over the years I have been patient with him.
1. He is a serial cheat though he doesn’t rub it in my face and tries his best to hide it I always find things out about him with other women.
2. He never defends me wen it comes to anything to do with his family. I’m automatically the enemy but if his sisters insult me he will always make excuses for them. I try my level best to get on with everyone I really do but I’ve reached a point of tiptoeing around his family because I know if they should say something about me my husband will never defend me. I have literally been in my own house with his sister fighting me and my husband said that’s just how she is I should leave it.
3. My husband prioritises his own enjoyment with friends etc clubbing, vacations and different activities
4. My husband only started sharing duties with our children four months ago after a big falling out prior to that he had only changed maybe 3 nappies in 3years! He has still ever bathed the kids.

I have been on antidepressants because of him there was a time last year I nearly got into a car accident because my mind was so overwhelmed I just ended up parking and breathing through it. At the worst point I started having panic attacks and was so insecure to go outside because I would wonder if his concubines see me without me knowing them. I have seen some of the girls he per-sues and honestly I am not that. I am not ugly myself but I have gained weight from my kids though I can still package myself well. I just do not feel like I am enough for this man.

I have been told by different older women that that is how men are I just have to find happiness in my children and wait for him to change but I am sorry I don’t believe women were put on this earth to suffer.

I am too young and too good of a person to only know misery at the hands of a man that claims he loves me.

The only good thing I can say about my husband is anything financial he is 10/10 he is the main breadwinner though I also work and have a professional career he doesn’t ask about my income or expenses. At the same time I don’t ask him for money either I pay some small bills and do food shopping etc and buy my kids everything they need. My husband pays the rent and kids nursery fees which are two big bills.

I am so exhausted in giving him multiple chances I just need to take a stand. I told him I want a separation but he didn’t take me seriously he always thinks everything is a joke with me. For three weeks I haven’t spoken with his mum or sisters I ignore their calls and messages I felt like because I’m not Nigerian they want to use my head or something or maybe because I don’t fight or argue they think I’m a door mat.

I don’t know how reasonable I am being but I’m really tired I’m so tired of being taken for granted.

p.s his family are well off they don’t need anything from him I just feel they like to intrude and control which he can’t see.

I need real experienced advise from those that have been there or witnessed such before because these guys are too advanced for meh simple brain.

what country are you from?

And finally I need to hear your husband side of the story before I jump into conclusion. for all we known, you could be lying or something.

The next day he sat me down n said ‘babe guess what! We bought land in Nigeria’ I responded saying who is we because I didn’t know anything about this.


my joy in this story is your husband doesn't really need your money

only god knows what it would have been if he needed yours

look how calm a woman is when you don't need her?


madam you have two options, divorce or stay

Efewestern:


Two years is too far, if you do not develop the land within 7 months, just forget about it.

Read through the story over and over again, my only issue with the man is him not protecting his wife in the presence of his family and his womanizing spirit.

The lady should relax and have a chill pill, it hasn't got to divorce. investing in real estate isn't a bad idea, the man didn't inform her on time because he thought she won't buy into the plan, so he bought the land with the intention of telling her later.

Lol! She has no idea!

'Protecting' his wife? She discussed with her mother-in-law and her MIL in turn told her that the property isn't for her (MIL) but for the woman and her kids. I am not sure the MIL said anything bad to her. I am still trying hard to find the part where his family ran her down.

My only grouse is that he is a cheat as painted by the wife but then, this is only an aspect of the story and we don't know the truth. This is purely her version.

Why I don't align with her thoughts and story is because SHE RESURRECTED HER HUSBAND'S CHEATING EPISODE over his property in Nigeria. It boggles the mind that she has issues with her husband's financial decision. She was hinted about 'the Nigerian way of life' of building in their country and her husband is doing the same. She clearly doesn't subscribe to the idea and believes it is enough to call off whatever they have.

The funniest part of all of these is that it is with the man's money! It's funny if you ask me.

Lovefury:

Please bare with me this post is coming from a wife and mother that is in a bad place emotionally.

I have been with my husband for 10 years married for 5 years. Two children 3 and 1.5years.

Recently we had a huge busy up over my husband making big financial decisions behind my back.
2 years ago he went through his mum to purchase land in Nigeria and did not tell me about it. It’s only wen coincidentally someone called me and warned me about ‘nigerians’ saying I should not to trust him fully that he might be building in Nigeria as we speak, I told him about the convo as a joke like ‘imagine what this person is saying’ I defended my husband that he’s not like that. The next day he sat me down n said ‘babe guess what! We bought land in Nigeria’ I responded saying who is we because I didn’t know anything about this.
His mum kept quiet for one year she didn’t know I knew. Wen she discovered I knew about it she called me with a fob story ‘iyawo, I’ve been telling him to tell u. Even me I don’t like what he did I’ve been telling him I didn’t know he already told u’ I just laughed it off n said no problem.

Fast forward just three weeks back he decided he wants to build apartments on the land. We did all the calculations and I told him it was not a good financial decision as we live off pounds and the naira he is expecting can not sustain us here (UK). His mum called me and I explained the same thing to her that first of all we do not own any property yet in the UK were just going through the process and secondly a lot of money will go into building and the returns will not be worth it. His mum said she can’t believe what’s coming out of my mouth that it’s not for her it’s for me and my kids I politely said ma I understand but this is something we have to still think about maybe in the next two years. After few days I hear that his mum already got contractors etc and building commenced two days after that phone call!!
That was the last and final straw. I have accommodated a lot of rubbish from my husband over the years I have been patient with him.
1. He is a serial cheat though he doesn’t rub it in my face and tries his best to hide it I always find things out about him with other women.
2. He never defends me wen it comes to anything to do with his family. I’m automatically the enemy but if his sisters insult me he will always make excuses for them. I try my level best to get on with everyone I really do but I’ve reached a point of tiptoeing around his family because I know if they should say something about me my husband will never defend me. I have literally been in my own house with his sister fighting me and my husband said that’s just how she is I should leave it.
3. My husband prioritises his own enjoyment with friends etc clubbing, vacations and different activities
4. My husband only started sharing duties with our children four months ago after a big falling out prior to that he had only changed maybe 3 nappies in 3years! He has still ever bathed the kids.

I have been on antidepressants because of him there was a time last year I nearly got into a car accident because my mind was so overwhelmed I just ended up parking and breathing through it. At the worst point I started having panic attacks and was so insecure to go outside because I would wonder if his concubines see me without me knowing them. I have seen some of the girls he per-sues and honestly I am not that. I am not ugly myself but I have gained weight from my kids though I can still package myself well. I just do not feel like I am enough for this man.

I have been told by different older women that that is how men are I just have to find happiness in my children and wait for him to change but I am sorry I don’t believe women were put on this earth to suffer.

I am too young and too good of a person to only know misery at the hands of a man that claims he loves me.

The only good thing I can say about my husband is anything financial he is 10/10 he is the main breadwinner though I also work and have a professional career he doesn’t ask about my income or expenses. At the same time I don’t ask him for money either I pay some small bills and do food shopping etc and buy my kids everything they need. My husband pays the rent and kids nursery fees which are two big bills.

I am so exhausted in giving him multiple chances I just need to take a stand. I told him I want a separation but he didn’t take me seriously he always thinks everything is a joke with me. For three weeks I haven’t spoken with his mum or sisters I ignore their calls and messages I felt like because I’m not Nigerian they want to use my head or something or maybe because I don’t fight or argue they think I’m a door mat.

I don’t know how reasonable I am being but I’m really tired I’m so tired of being taken for granted.

p.s his family are well off they don’t need anything from him I just feel they like to intrude and control which he can’t see.

I need real experienced advise from those that have been there or witnessed such before because these guys are too advanced for meh simple brain.

where are you from? Your race/country?

Sanchez01:

Lol! She has no idea!

'Protecting' his wife? She discussed with her mother-in-law and her MIL in turn told her that the property isn't for her (MIL) but for the woman and her kids. I am not sure the MIL said anything bad to her. I am still trying hard to find the part where his family ran her down.

My only grouse is that he is a cheat as painted by the wife but then, this is only an aspect of the story and we don't know the truth. This is purely her version.

Why I don't align with her thoughts and story is because SHE RESURRECTED HER HUSBAND'S CHEATING EPISODE over his property in Nigeria. It boggles the mind that she has issues with her husband's financial decision. She was hinted about 'the Nigerian way of life' of building in their country and her husband is doing the same. She clearly doesn't subscribe to the idea and believes it is enough to call off whatever they have.

The funniest part of all of these is that it is with the man's money! It's funny if you ask me.

Now I'm beginning to agree with you, the man didn't even buy the Land for his extended family but for his wife and kids, she has no reason whatsoever to be angry, she even mentioned that the family of the man is quite wealthy.

@Bolded exactly, she only brought the issue of cheating all because of this property ish, if the man hadn't bought any landed property in Nigeria, she wouldn't have painted him in such a manner.

The man is fulfilling his duty, she even said when the man cheats, he doesn't rub it on her face, meaning there is a probability that the man isn't even cheating, the lady might just be an insecure person who after sighting her husband with any pretty lady, jumps into conclusions that he is cheating.

Someone cannot spend his own money in peace again because of madam .

sisisioge:

If you were a Nigerian, you would have realized that most men would never openly take sides when it comes to rifts between their extended families and their wives. Rather, they would calm the situation and pacify either of the parties in private

...the right thing any sensible man would do.

Efewestern:


Now I'm beginning to agree with you, the man didn't even buy the Land for his extended family but for his wife and kids, she has no reason whatsoever to be angry, she even mentioned that the family of the man is quite wealthy.

@Bolded exactly, she only brought the issue of cheating all because of this property ish, if the man hadn't bought any landed property in Nigeria, she wouldn't have painted him in such a manner.

The man is fulfilling his duty, she even said when the man cheats, he doesn't rub it on her face, meaning there is a probability that the man isn't even cheating, the lady might just be an insecure person who after sighting her husband with any pretty lady, jumps into conclusions that he is cheating.

Someone cannot spend his own money in peace again because of madam .

I hate to be the last person to run a female down but this lady is one I'd describe as a bad market. She is amazing at listening to others talk about Nigerians and Nigerian men, brings nothing to the table as the man runs the major expenses in the home and wouldn't allow him spend his money the way he pleases. Her MIL EVEN HAD TO TELL HER THAT THE PROPERTY IS FOR HER AND HER KIDS... What more could she have wanted? It isn't a case of using both your monies to finance his real estate investment.

You can spot a stupiid man from a distance just as you can spot a foolish woman from the same. I wouldn't necessarily refer to the OP as a wise woman who is focused on building her home. Perhaps she has no intention of ever settling in Nigeria which is why she is against the real estate investment move of the husband. If this is the case, then she is selfish.

To answer some of your questions.

I am of east African background but British born I have been with my husband from grass to grace we have been through a lot of downs together trust me a lot that even his family don’t know about but I thank God we’re financially very ok.

All of the cheating has been an ongoing issue just because I didn’t post about it but we have even been through counselling etc regarding all of that. If cheating was the most recent issue perhaps I would have started with that but sometimes you get pushed and pushed then one thing pushes you over the edge.

I’m shocked that I’ve been advised to mind my business regarding the land issue. The land issue is a financial betrayal I don’t demand anything from him but to be open and honest. I’m shocked he hid a money issue from me because I have never given him any reason to doubt my loyalty to him. I have always supported him and mind you I am the mother of his kids so of course I want the very best for him because that means the best for my kids.
If I nag then great �� my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment.

I did not say his mother insulted me. She is smarter than that she just manipulates situations to suite what she wants. She’s a controlling mum and I can’t have another woman come and control my marriage. You can’t smile in my face then go behind me and do something against me that’s two faced.

he has 5 sisters! 5 sisters and between the five of them not one has any home training but I manage them. You should see me in the house they even lift their leg for me to vacuum under them then tell me their hungry.

I have realised all my mistakes in that I accepted some things that are now burdens to me I’m just fighting to correct this and it needs actions. I have talked myself to death with him without changes.

nansense,you stay with a serial cheat(as you claim) amd you expect him to behave sanely....find a good job and leave ,simple!!..i cant stay in the same house with a lady that cheats!!..you dey UK sef,custody will be given to u once you proof u are capable and have the means....that is if ur story is true o..because i know how people twist stories to fit their narration....internet and lies are siamese twins

I'll rather talk about the root cause of your shaky marriage, its foundation. The poor foundation of the marriage is what breeds the unpalatable occurrences so far. Both of you wittingly or unwittingly entered into the marriage contract with the mindset of individuals in a strategic alliance in a commercial business with the product of the union (the offspring) as the bond that'll connect you together. This is even below standard of JV partners in a commercial business, not to talk of standard of what a healthy marriage should be. Yours is a typical case of most modern marriages. Notionally I see husband and wife, but literally I see frenemies living together.

With the obvious absence of the qualities that can guarantee a healthy marriage and its benefits (mutual peace of mind, faithfulness, understanding and oneness), the vices of distrust, disingenuousness, disregard, etc, will continue to reign supreme until you and your man make a conscious decision to lay a new and sound foundation for the marriage.

Altruism will always remain the soul of any healthy marriage because it breeds the ingredients that your marriage lack, which you long for, sincerity, faithfulness/understanding/oneness - mutual peace of mind.

Seperate your finances. If he wants to build let him do so but ensure you send a documented amount into the building project so it will be on record. Also increase your financial demands on the home front so that you can save money towards depositing for a house in UK for both of you.

Sanchez01:


You can spot a stupiid man from a distance just as you can spot a foolish woman from the same. I wouldn't necessarily refer to the OP as a wise woman who is focused on building her home. Perhaps she has no intention of ever settling in Nigeria which is why she is against the real estate investment move of the husband. If this is the case, then she is selfish.

None of us have any intention of settling in Nigeria which is why it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t advise him the wrong thing. It all just seems dishonest to me

Sanchez01:

I hate to be the last person to run a female down but this lady is one I'd describe as a bad market. She is amazing at listening to others talk about Nigerians and Nigerian men, brings nothing to the table as the man runs the major expenses in the home and wouldn't allow him spend his money the way he pleases. Her MIL EVEN HAD TO TELL HER THAT THE PROPERTY IS FOR HER AND HER KIDS... What more could she have wanted? It isn't a case of using both your monies to finance his real estate investment.

You can spot a stupiid man from a distance just as you can spot a foolish woman from the same. I wouldn't necessarily refer to the OP as a wise woman who is focused on building her home. Perhaps she has no intention of ever settling in Nigeria which is why she is against the real estate investment move of the husband. If this is the case, then she is selfish.

The whole truth of the matter is, she doesn't want to have anything to do with Nigeria, this is what she has to say;

"... my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment. "

Lovefury:
To answer some of your questions.

I am of east African background but British born I have been with my husband from grass to grace we have been through a lot of downs together trust me a lot that even his family don’t know about but I thank God we’re financially very ok.

All of the cheating has been an ongoing issue just because I didn’t post about it but we have even been through counselling etc regarding all of that. If cheating was the most recent issue perhaps I would have started with that but sometimes you get pushed and pushed then one thing pushes you over the edge

I’m shocked that I’ve been advised to mind my business regarding the land issue. The land issue is a financial betrayal I don’t demand anything from him but to be open and honest. I’m shocked he hid a money issue from me because I have never given him any reason to doubt my loyalty to him. I have always supported him and mind you I am the mother of his kids so of course I want the very best for him because that means the best for my kids.
If I nag then great �� my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment.

I did not say his mother insulted me. She is smarter than that she just manipulates situations to suite what she wants. She’s a controlling mum and I can’t have another woman come and control my marriage. You can’t smile in my face then go behind me and do something against me that’s two faced.

he has 5 sisters! 5 sisters and between the five of them not one has any home training but I manage them. You should see me in the house they even lift their leg for me to vacuum under them then tell me their hungry.

I have realised all my mistakes in that I accepted some things that are now burdens to me I’m just fighting to correct this and it needs actions. I have talked myself to death with him without changes.

East African is not a country, What is your country of Origin?

Efewestern:


The whole truth of the matter is, she doesn't want to have anything to do with Nigeria, this is what she has to say;

"... my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment. "

Not just Nigeria, she's ashamed of her country of Origin as well. she is quick to type That she's British born, but refused to tell us what country she is from, rather she said she is from east African.

It's funny how some people here are saying "it's his money". He earns money yes, the wife also earns money. They're married for pete's sake. It should be "our money". What kind of husband makes such a big financial decision without consulting his wife? Nigerian men and their habit of treating women like lesser creatures. Some didn't even read the post well and comprehend everything the op said. The lady said building a house in Nigeria is bad investment for 2 reasons. First they have no intention of ever staying in naija....second, if they rent out the apartment, they will never make good profit from it considering the rate of the pound to naira. So why waste resources? With the way the country is going sef, won't it be wickedness to bring the kids to such an unsafe environment in future?
Someone even said he's providing for the family and she's complaining of cheating. It really hurts when a woman loves a man and gives him her all, only to find out he doesn't even respect her enough to stay faithful

What's wrong if he is building a house in Nigeria? it's an investment, let him be

Lovefury:


None of us have any intention of settling in Nigeria which is why it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t advise him the wrong thing. It all just seems dishonest to me

If your husband wants to build a house in Nigeria what is wrong with it?

WorWorBoy:
East African is not a country, What is your country of Origin?

WorWorBoy:
Not just Nigeria, she's ashamed of her country of Origin as well. she is quick to type That she's British born, but refused to tell us what country she is from, rather she said she is from east African.

U're just being a nuisance trying to nitpick at irrelevant things. Her country of origin is irrelevant -the husband n family knew before he married her n she was friends with the husband for 10 yrs before the marriage. Besides maybe she doesn't want to specify here bcus she doesn't want to be identified by his sisters or bcus she's British-born like she said (dunno why you've a problem with that) but her parents are east African (Kenya, Rwanda, Somalia, Tanzania, Ethiopia, etc).

Zielle:

[s] Ure just being a nuisance trying to nitpick at irrelevant things. Her country of origin is irrelevant -the husband n family knew before he married her. Besides maybe she doesn't want to specify here bcus she doesn't want to be identified by his sisters or bcus she's British-born like she said (dunno why you've a problem with that) but her parents are east African (Kenya, Rwanda, Somalia, Tanzania, Ethiopia, etc).[/s]

Did I post to you? What is your problem? are you the lady?
Listen be very careful how you quoted me, next time I won't be this polite be warned.

WorWorBoy:
Did I post to you? What is your problem are you the lady?
Listen be very carefully how you quoted me, next time I won't be this polite be warned.

You didn't post to me but it's a free forum. I can reply whoever I want n I just replied you, deal with that. I'm not the lady but I will defend her from Nairaland nincompoops if I have to. You can go around bullying others but u won't do that nonsense with me.

Also bear in mind that with his cheating, he can marry another wife, have kids with her and put her in your house in Nigeria without you knowing. and his family will cover for him for years. A very easy wickedness that many a Nigerian man and his family can do.

Many Nigerians are diabolical in nature (many are also fair and kind but that’s for another thread). We are my people and I will tell you the truth. I always tell my brother to consider me a thorn in his flesh if he will ever marry and behave like those kinds of Nigerian men.

If you have been to multiple counseling like you said and nothing has changed, then there’s no need advising you to go for another one.

You have to decide if you want to live like this for the rest of your life until he’s old and has erectile dysfunction. When he can’t get it up with the other women anymore, he will come crawling back to you and you guys will celebrate 50 years of “successful” marriage and your marriage will be used as example to the younger generations. That’s if you don’t have HIV from him by then or had a mental breakdown.

Nothing anyone types on this thread will make your husband change until he is ready to. In your heart, you already have an idea if you want to stay with him or cut your losses and move on for good. Follow your heart

Lovefury:


None of us have any intention of settling in Nigeria which is why it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t advise him the wrong thing. It all just seems dishonest to me

PrinceCharmings:
If your husband wants to build a house in Nigeria what is wrong with it?

Help me ask her oooo as in

Lovefury:
To answer some of your questions.

I am of east African background but British born I have been with my husband from grass to grace we have been through a lot of downs together trust me a lot that even his family don’t know about but I thank God we’re financially very ok.

All of the cheating has been an ongoing issue just because I didn’t post about it but we have even been through counselling etc regarding all of that. If cheating was the most recent issue perhaps I would have started with that but sometimes you get pushed and pushed then one thing pushes you over the edge.

I’m shocked that I’ve been advised to mind my business regarding the land issue. The land issue is a financial betrayal I don’t demand anything from him but to be open and honest. I’m shocked he hid a money issue from me because I have never given him any reason to doubt my loyalty to him. I have always supported him and mind you I am the mother of his kids so of course I want the very best for him because that means the best for my kids.
If I nag then great �� my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment.

I did not say his mother insulted me. She is smarter than that she just manipulates situations to suite what she wants. She’s a controlling mum and I can’t have another woman come and control my marriage. You can’t smile in my face then go behind me and do something against me that’s two faced.

he has 5 sisters! 5 sisters and between the five of them not one has any home training but I manage them. You should see me in the house they even lift their leg for me to vacuum under them then tell me their hungry.

I have realised all my mistakes in that I accepted some things that are now burdens to me I’m just fighting to correct this and it needs actions. I have talked myself to death with him without changes.

Your Nigeria husband fvcked up, he should have marry white woman. you blacks behave like Monkey If I were him I file for divorce.

Zielle:
You didn't post to me but it's a free forum. I can reply whoever I want n I just replied you, deal with that. I'm not the lady but I will defend her from Nairaland nincompoops if I have to. You can go around bullying others but u won't do that nonsense with me.

You will defend a total stranger without hearing her husband side of the story? Negro women always behaving like low life Animals.