Zielle:
You didn't post to me but it's a free forum. I can reply whoever I want n I just replied you, deal with that. I'm not the lady but I will defend her from Nairaland nincompoops if I have to. You can go around bullying others but u won't do that nonsense with me

It's obvious your head is not correct or something. Wtf are you talking about?

Sanchez01:

I hate to be the last person to run a female down but this lady is one I'd describe as a bad market. She is amazing at listening to others talk about Nigerians and Nigerian men, brings nothing to the table as the man runs the major expenses in the home and wouldn't allow him spend his money the way he pleases. Her MIL EVEN HAD TO TELL HER THAT THE PROPERTY IS FOR HER AND HER KIDS... What more could she have wanted? It isn't a case of using both your monies to finance his real estate investment.

You can spot a stupiid man from a distance just as you can spot a foolish woman from the same. I wouldn't necessarily refer to the OP as a wise woman who is focused on building her home. Perhaps she has no intention of ever settling in Nigeria which is why she is against the real estate investment move of the husband. If this is the case, then she is selfish.

So the only thing someone brings to the table in a marriage is money?

@loverfury:

You have witnessed first hand the average Nigerian's definition of marriage: no oneness or unity.

Since you married a Nigerian man and have been with him for 10yrs so you saw the signs.

@finances: your case is one of 'he who pays the piper dictates the tune.' However, I want to belive your husband has been taking decisions singlehandedly prior to now. If he wants to build houses on the sea, let him as long as he still finances the home. Again, your husband might see you as a clog in the wheel and go ahead with plans you don't agree with. For instance, you both calculated the returns from the houses and when you didn't agree, he called on his ever supportive mother. Did you find out the reasons why he wanted to build the houses apart from financial?

@in-laws: a typical Nigerian man would not support you as you are a younger addition to the family and elders are always right. Stop engaging his family as regards decisions they have taken especially when you have no input. They are not with you so you have control over the type of engagement/convo you have.

@cheating: again, if you are fine with him cheating as long as he doesn't 'disrespect' you, why are you complaining? What's your business with his girls outside? Why would you let people you don't know have a control over your life and health? If you can no longer condone the cheating, you know what you do. If you are fine with it particularly as he gives you a good life, just face front and take care of yourself.

Stop trying to control things you have no control over/ things not your business.

bukatyne:


So the only thing someone brings to the table in a marriage is money?

Could you point to the part in my post I mentioned it has to be the only thing?

Lovefury:


None of us have any intention of settling in Nigeria which is why it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t advise him the wrong thing. It all just seems dishonest to me

I won't be the one to tell you this but your husband is not being entirely sincere with you, particularly since your MIL mentioned that the house is for you and your kids.

You are totally in the dark here...

ebonyggurl:
It's funny how some people here are saying "it's his money". He earns money yes, the wife also earns money. They're married for pete's sake. It should be "our money". What kind of husband makes such a big financial decision without consulting his wife? Nigerian men and their habit of treating women like lesser creatures. Some didn't even read the post well and comprehend everything the op said. The lady said building a house in Nigeria is bad investment for 2 reasons. First they have no intention of ever staying in naija....second, if they rent out the apartment, they will never make good profit from it considering the rate of the pound to naira. So why waste resources? With the way the country is going sef, won't it be wickedness to bring the kids to such an unsafe environment in future?
Someone even said he's providing for the family and she's complaining of cheating. It really hurts when a woman loves a man and gives him her all, only to find out he doesn't even respect her enough to stay faithful

Will you guys shove this double standard and be realistic for once?? It becomes 'our' money when a man has more than enough and cannot spend the way he pleases even when you have no stake in it but your money is ours when the man slips into a dark moment which sees him short of money!

If you'd be judging solely from her perspective, then you have no grounds to talk about Nigerian men when you have not heard his side of the story. The truth is missing here, just as his own truth. Her truth is all we have but then the issue isn't about whether or not he cheated but that he never carried her along.

You fail to acknowledge or ask what financial model they adopted in their marriage but you could judge Nigerian men at the speed of light. This is short sightedness at play.

Why are you taking her word for it that they have no intention of staying in Nigeria? What if the man comes to air his story and claim he once said he'd relocate his family to Nigeria at some point but the wife refused? Would you still talk this way then? What if he has the intention to set up a company in the nearest future and the talks were brushed aside? (Note 'WHAT IF).

I don't play the gender card but some of you are a huge shame to what you claim to represent. If the man was your brother, I am very sure the narrative would change and you wouldn't judge him and Nigerian men in the cruel manner you've done.

Sanchez01:

Could you point to the part in my post I mentioned it has to be the only thing?

The bold below answers your question

Sanchez01:

I hate to be the last person to run a female down but this lady is one I'd describe as a bad market. She is amazing at listening to others talk about Nigerians and Nigerian men, brings nothing to the table as the man runs the major expenses in the home and wouldn't allow him spend his money the way he pleases. Her MIL EVEN HAD TO TELL HER THAT THE PROPERTY IS FOR HER AND HER KIDS... What more could she have wanted? It isn't a case of using both your monies to finance his real estate investment.

You can spot a stupiid man from a distance just as you can spot a foolish woman from the same. I wouldn't necessarily refer to the OP as a wise woman who is focused on building her home. Perhaps she has no intention of ever settling in Nigeria which is why she is against the real estate investment move of the husband. If this is the case, then she is selfish.

Efewestern:


The whole truth of the matter is, she doesn't want to have anything to do with Nigeria, this is what she has to say;

"... my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment. "

It's obvious, Oniovò. She has confirmed the same already and has said her husband and herself agreed to not settle in Nigeria. I just don't want to tell her... Something is obviously not right.

bukatyne:


The bold below answers your question

I did mention that and I knew you'd reference it. Again, kindly point out the part I said money is the only thing either party can bring into marriage.

Lovefury:
To answer some of your questions.

I am of east African background but British born I have been with my husband from grass to grace we have been through a lot of downs together trust me a lot that even his family don’t know about but I thank God we’re financially very ok.

All of the cheating has been an ongoing issue just because I didn’t post about it but we have even been through counselling etc regarding all of that. If cheating was the most recent issue perhaps I would have started with that but sometimes you get pushed and pushed then one thing pushes you over the edge.

I’m shocked that I’ve been advised to mind my business regarding the land issue. The land issue is a financial betrayal I don’t demand anything from him but to be open and honest. I’m shocked he hid a money issue from me because I have never given him any reason to doubt my loyalty to him. I have always supported him and mind you I am the mother of his kids so of course I want the very best for him because that means the best for my kids.
If I nag then great �� my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment.

I did not say his mother insulted me. She is smarter than that she just manipulates situations to suite what she wants. She’s a controlling mum and I can’t have another woman come and control my marriage. You can’t smile in my face then go behind me and do something against me that’s two faced.

he has 5 sisters! 5 sisters and between the five of them not one has any home training but I manage them. You should see me in the house they even lift their leg for me to vacuum under them then tell me their hungry.

I have realised all my mistakes in that I accepted some things that are now burdens to me I’m just fighting to correct this and it needs actions. I have talked myself to death with him without changes.

Women are funny, if the sisters make the food themselves , you will complain that they are intruding in your kitchen. If they tell you they are hungry, you get angry. Why not send his sisters away if you don't like them? Stop pretending!

Sanchez01:

I did mention that and I knew you'd reference it. Again, kindly point out the part I said money is the only thing either party can bring into marriage.

Ever heard of inference?

If madam OP doesn't bring anything to the table according to you because she doesn't contribute financially, can you advise what else people can bring to the table in marriage?

Recall that we don't know anything of their marriage dymnaics apart from the fact that she doesn't contribute financially yet you concluded that 'she doesn't bring anything to the table.'

Lovefury:


None of us have any intention of settling in Nigeria which is why it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t advise him the wrong thing. It all just seems dishonest to me

It does not stop your husband from owning properties in his homeland.

The way I see it you are more aggrieved of his infidelity than his financial decisions, you are channelling the anger the wrong way. Right now you are angry and selfish.

Sanchez01:

Will you guys shove this double standard and be realistic for once?? It becomes 'our' money when a man has more than enough and cannot spend the way he pleases even when you have no stake in it but your money is ours when the man slips into a dark moment which sees him short of money!

If you'd be judging solely from her perspective, then you have no grounds to talk about Nigerian men when you have not heard his side of the story. The truth is missing here, just as his own truth. Her truth is all we have but then the issue isn't about whether or not he cheated but that he never carried her along.

You fail to acknowledge or ask what financial model they adopted in their marriage but you could judge Nigerian men at the speed of light. This is short sightedness at play.

Why are you taking her word for it that they have no intention of staying in Nigeria? What if the man comes to air his story and claim he once said he'd relocate his family to Nigeria at some point but the wife refused? Would you still talk this way then? What if he has the intention to set up a company in the nearest future and the talks were brushed aside? (Note 'WHAT IF).

I don't play the gender card but some of you are a huge shame to what you claim to represent. If the man was your brother, I am very sure the narrative would change and you wouldn't judge him and Nigerian men in the cruel manner you've done.

I don't need to hear his side of the story to know that the average Nigerian man treats his wife like a lesser creature. I have eyes and ears. I see what happens in society.

bukatyne:


Ever heard of inference?

If madam OP doesn't bring anything to the table according to you because she doesn't contribute financially, can you advise what else people can bring to the table in marriage?

Recall that we don't know anything of their marriage dymnaics apart from the fact that she doesn't contribute financially yet you concluded that 'she doesn't bring anything to the table.'

Deductions or inference doesn't apply here. You used the word 'ONLY' and I asked you to point where I mentioned same. You didn't pick out the rumour mill part but would readily deduce and base your assumptions on money? How about you point out where I mentioned she needs to focus on building her home?

Plus, I am basing my premises on her narrative. She suspects the husband cheats, clearly doesn't love or like his family and somewhat doesn't respect them. You can tell this with the way she describes her MIL and SILs. She spends time on listening to what others think about Nigerian men to better understand her husband (she even mentioned that she chose not to believe what they said about her husband) but readily sought separation the moment her counsel was discarded. To answer your question, VALUE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ANY WISE WOMAN WOULD BRING INTO HER HOME. And please don't ask me how I deducted the OP doesn't do this. If she did, she'd not see her husband's family as rivals.

ebonyggurl:

I don't need to hear his side of the story to know that the average Nigerian man treats his wife like a lesser creature. I have eyes and ears. I see what happens in society.

You opinion, Lady. I am saying it is unfair to believe the OP's husband is your average 'Nigerian man'. In her posts, she did nothing wrong, she never offended the man but his family is the demon while he is the cheating monster. She is perfect and has no sin even though she admits that he financially runs the home.

Perhaps you've been meeting the average Nigerian man because you are no different yourself. If you bring valuable to the relationship, your man or partner won't treat you as a 'lesser creature'. Don't carry your two legs into a man's home, have him shoulder the expenses of the home and then demand he has no right to spend as he must consult you before doing so when both of you never really agreed on a family financial model.

Zielle:

U're just being a nuisance trying to nitpick at irrelevant things. Her country of origin is irrelevant -the husband n family knew before he married her n she was friends with the husband for 10 yrs before the marriage. Besides maybe she doesn't want to specify here bcus she doesn't want to be identified by his sisters or bcus she's British-born like she said (dunno why you've a problem with that) but her parents are east African (Kenya, Rwanda, Somalia, Tanzania, Ethiopia, etc).

Exactly. Thank you. Some details are not that relevant it’s just important for readers to understand that my culture and background is a bit different to my husbands.

Allen02:
Help me ask her oooo as in

Well we are all waiting for her answer.

BlackSaints:
You will defend a total stranger without hearing her husband side of the story? Negro women always behaving like low life Animals.

Use 'some', please.

Sanchez01:

You opinion, Lady. I am saying it is unfair to believe the OP's husband is your average 'Nigerian man'. In her posts, she did nothing wrong, she never offended the man but his family is the demon while he is the cheating monster. She is perfect and has no sin even though she admits that he financially runs the home.

Perhaps you've been meeting the average Nigerian man because you are no different yourself. If you bring valuable to the relationship, your man or partner won't treat you as a 'lesser creature'. Don't carry your two legs into a man's home, have him shoulder the expenses of the home and then demand he has no right to spend as he must consult you before doing so when both of you never really agreed on a family financial model.

Is it that you can't read or you do selective reading?
Oga pls go back and read where she said she takes care of little bills, food stuff and the things the children need and that the husband takes care of rent and nursery fees. They clearly have a system. A marriage is like a partnership. When any kind of big decisions are to be taken, both parties should be aware.

Sanchez01:

I won't be the one to tell you this but your husband is not being entirely sincere with you, particularly since your MIL mentioned that the house is for you and your kids.

You are totally in the dark here...

To be honest that’s how I feel. And I have never given him a reason to push me aside like this. I have always had his back through nothing to now. There was also a time when it was me that was bringing in the money whilst he looked for work we lived so harmoniously because I still respected him and all decisions we made together. When there was no money we were like one person but when we got married alot changed for him and I thank God money came and he has been generous but also a big nuisance. All his behaviours came post money and it’s so painful to see the man you struggled with, slept hungry with and prayed with just toss you to the side. It’s honestly so painful. He doesn’t see that it’s that bad which is even more wicked. He said he is a saint compared to his mates that one of his mates just had 3 abortions with 3 different women behind the wife’s back smh and I was just with the wife the wife speaks so highly of her husband.

You are on the right track ma.

I think you should have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Show him some of your old pictures. Bring back memories.

Lovefury:
To answer some of your questions.

I am of east African background but British born I have been with my husband from grass to grace we have been through a lot of downs together trust me a lot that even his family don’t know about but I thank God we’re financially very ok.

All of the cheating has been an ongoing issue just because I didn’t post about it but we have even been through counselling etc regarding all of that. If cheating was the most recent issue perhaps I would have started with that but sometimes you get pushed and pushed then one thing pushes you over the edge.

I’m shocked that I’ve been advised to mind my business regarding the land issue. The land issue is a financial betrayal I don’t demand anything from him but to be open and honest. I’m shocked he hid a money issue from me because I have never given him any reason to doubt my loyalty to him. I have always supported him and mind you I am the mother of his kids so of course I want the very best for him because that means the best for my kids.
If I nag then great �� my intention is only for my husband to be the best he can be and for now Nigeria is not a good financial investment rather it’s just an ego investment.

I did not say his mother insulted me. She is smarter than that she just manipulates situations to suite what she wants. She’s a controlling mum and I can’t have another woman come and control my marriage. You can’t smile in my face then go behind me and do something against me that’s two faced.

he has 5 sisters! 5 sisters and between the five of them not one has any home training but I manage them. You should see me in the house they even lift their leg for me to vacuum under them then tell me their hungry.

I have realised all my mistakes in that I accepted some things that are now burdens to me I’m just fighting to correct this and it needs actions. I have talked myself to death with him without changes.

ebonyggurl:

I don't need to hear his side of the story to know that the average Nigerian man treats his wife like a lesser creature. I have eyes and ears. I see what happens in society.

So by your standard Every Nigeria woman is a prostitutes or humans Trafficker? Because we see it everyday in our society how they are prostitutes in

Italy

Spain

England

United State.

Germany

Holland

Ghana

Kenyan

South African

India

Maylasia
And co.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K53A1opChlQ


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okhHb-_ZVCE


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zajABlD5XR8


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShsuHS90KYM

ebonyggurl:


Is it that you can't read or you do selective reading?
Oga pls go back and read where she said she takes care of little bills, food stuff and the things the children need and that the husband takes care of rent and nursery fees. They clearly have a system. A marriage is like a partnership. When any kind of big decisions are to be taken, both parties should be aware.

Hold on a little...

The only good thing I can say about my husband is anything financial he is 10/10 he is the main breadwinner though I also work and have a professional career he doesn’t ask about my income or expenses. At the same time I don’t ask him for money either I pay some small bills and do food shopping etc and buy my kids everything they need. My husband pays the rent and kids nursery fees which are two big bills.

This is what you call a system?? What is wrong with some of you? I doubt you know what a financial model is within a home. Would you tell me there isn't overlap in this situation given that they don't bother about expenses as the OP described?

We all know what marriage is like. But then there is a glitch here; the OP does not see herself settling in Nigeria. The man made the move without the OP's knowledge because he has other ideas. IF HE WERE TO BE YOUR BROTHER AND YOU HEARD THAT HIS WIFE HAS NO INTEREST IN RELOCATING TO NIGERIA, WOULD YOU ADVISE HE DISCUSSES WITH HIS WIFE AND AGREE TO THE NO OR GO AHEAD AND MAKE THE DECISION BEHIND HER BACK? Be honest while at it. Thank you!

Sanchez01:

Hold on a little...


This is what you call a system?? What is wrong with some of you? I doubt you know what a financial model is within a home. Would you tell me there isn't overlap in this situation given that they don't bother about expenses as the OP described?

We all know what marriage is like. But then there is a glitch here; the OP does not see herself settling in Nigeria. The man made the move without the OP's knowledge because he has other ideas. IF HE WERE TO BE YOUR BROTHER AND YOU HEARD THAT HIS WIFE HAS NO INTEREST IN RELOCATING TO NIGERIA, WOULD YOU ADVISE HE DISCUSSES WITH HIS WIFE AND AGREE TO THE NO OR GO AHEAD AND MAKE THE DECISION BEHIND HER BACK? Be honest while at it. Thank you!

I will be honest. I would NEVER advise my brother to go behind his wife's back and do something like that. Where is the respect? Where is the trust? She already has kids for him, why would she want to do something that will affect them negatively in future? what's the point in building a house you don't plan on living in? That will incur more losses than profit??
On the relocating to Nigeria part, me sef wan comot. Why would I advise any sane person to leave Uk and relocate here?

SavageSavior:
So by your standard Every Nigeria woman is a prostitutes or humans Trafficker? Because we see it everyday in our society how they are prostitutes in

Italy

Spain

England

United State.

Germany

Holland

Ghana

Kenyan

South African

India

Maylasia
And co.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K53A1opChlQ


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okhHb-_ZVCE


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zajABlD5XR8


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShsuHS90KYM

Yea the average impoverished Nigerian woman sleeps with men for money, what's your point?

Lovefury:


To be honest that’s how I feel. And I have never given him a reason to push me aside like this. I have always had his back through nothing to now. There was also a time when it was me that was bringing in the money whilst he looked for work we lived so harmoniously because I still respected him and all decisions we made together. When there was no money we were like one person but when we got married alot changed for him and I thank God money came and he has been generous but also a big nuisance. All his behaviours came post money and it’s so painful to see the man you struggled with, slept hungry with and prayed with just toss you to the side. It’s honestly so painful. He doesn’t see that it’s that bad which is even more wicked. He said he is a saint compared to his mates that one of his mates just had 3 abortions with 3 different women behind the wife’s back smh and I was just with the wife the wife speaks so highly of her husband.

I can only pray that God helps your home and assist in fixing every broken area. However, you need to do certain things. No doubt, you have some nasty ideas about Nigerian men, all thanks to rumour mills. You need to let them out. You would notice 'he has changed' each time you listen to people talk about Nigerian men. Perhaps he is a cheat or was. Perhaps he has changed, or maybe not. You alone know him better.

You clearly don't want his family around your home which is the first sign of trouble. You're African and should have an idea of this: we operate an extended family setting. Your privacy is key but accepting his family and loving them is the first step towards setting him right. If there is a major disconnect between you and them, it is almost as saying they'd have a hold on him far more than you can ever have, save he personally avoids them.

Either way, I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your husband. Get him to come around when his mind is settled the most. I don't know your level of communication but do whatever necessary to make him realize he hasn't really made you comfortable a while. Don't talk about the real estate project in Nigeria, at least not now. Focus on the things he has stopped doing that made you happy or ask that you both see another counselor.

He laughed and warded off your seperation request because he didn't take it seriously. Work on your home. Ignore certain counsels asking you to leave your home on here. Most of the people asking you to do so don't even have someone who checks up on them.

However, if you feel you he is not willing to change or hasn't change over his cheating habit, then do whatever brings you peace of mind.

ebonyggurl:


Yea the average impoverished Nigerian woman sleeps with men for money, what's your point?

No point at all


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XHfU9Nxddg

What exactly is the issue here? He want's to invest his money properly? I understand you are looking at the ROI in terms of pounds, don't forget the UK is not your home and oga might be preparing for his retirement in Nigeria. Retirement abroad isn't funny. Thankfully, you say he is on top of his game in terms of caring for you guys financially.
Like all humans, he has his short comings which is womanizing, something most men do. He is decent enough to hide it from you, that shows he respects you. I also hope he is smart enough to protect himself and you from any disease out there. I only hope he changes though as most womanizers hardly ever change. Please make yourself happy, thankfully you earn an income, give yourself occasional treats. Oga loves you, trust me irrespective of the challenges you are facing now. Better snap out of that depression before it destroys you. Your husband isn't cheating because you are 'fat', even men with supermodel girlfriends still cheat. Things will get better, just learn not to depend on others for your own happiness. Every other thing besides this is trivial and should not make you have sleepless nights.

What you're experiencing is a culture shock to a typical Nigerian marriage. To most Nigerian men, the role of the wife is to bear his kids and make the home stable for him, that's it. You are neither a partner nor part of a unit, your opinions don't matter.

This is the hierarchy of people important to a typical Nigerian husband:

1. Himself
2. Mother
3. Male Kids
4. Female kids
5. Father
6. Siblings
7. Any other blood relative
8. His drinking buddies/bros
9. Side Chicks
10. Wife

I just want to let you know that this will never change, you will also never get the answer you are looking for here because NL is a Nigerian male dominated forum so most comments here will mirror what your husband thinks. He has given you your dues as a wife, financial stability and hidden his side pieces from you. As far as the men are concerned, you have no reason to complain, you have gotten all what you're entitled to.

You have only two options:

Option A: This is a very popular option with most Nigerian wives, it has been tried and tested for generations, you accept your role and create a system within the marriage that gives you some sort of peace and happiness. Most wives invest all their love and energy unto to their children, they get their second hand happiness from their children. This is probably the reason why most Nigerian men are mummy boys.

Option B: Leave

This is a culture and battle you will never win. I wish you luck.

doitforyou:
What you're experiencing is a culture shock to a typical Nigerian marriage. To most Nigerian men, the role of the wife is to bear his kids and make the home stable for him, that's it. You are neither a partner nor part of a unit, your opinions don't matter.

This is the hierarchy of people important to a typical Nigerian husband:

1. Himself
2. Mother
3. Male Kids
4. Female kids
5. Father
6. Siblings
7. Any other blood relative
8. His drinking buddies/bros
9. Side Chicks
10. Wife

I just want to let you know that this will never change, you will also never get the answer you are looking for here because NL is a Nigerian male dominated forum so most comments here will mirror what your husband thinks. He has given you your dues as a wife, financial stability and hidden his side pieces from you. As far as the men are concerned, you have no reason to complain, you have gotten all what you're entitled to.

You have only two options:

Option A: This is a very popular option with most Nigerian wives, it has been tried and tested for generations, you accept your role and create a system within the marriage that gives you some sort of piece and happiness. Most wives invest all their love and energy unto to their children, they get their second hand happiness from their children. This is probably the reason why most Nigerian men are mummy boys.

Option B: Leave

This is a culture and battle you will never win. I wish you luck.

option C. Stay in the marriage and find your own happiness outside.

ebonyggurl:


Yea the average impoverished Nigerian woman sleeps with men for money, what's your point?

You are not that smart are you?
You that Seahawk and Co all want to destroy Nigeria men reputation . funny enough SavageSaviour point out how Evil wicked, and dangerous the Average Nigeria women is.

hence he post Nigeria women and their whoring life style all over the World.