We are doing well in our relationship, normal misunderstandings and all. We share information about our different families and hides nothing from each other.
To cut a long story short, we were in his parents house, somehow a petty issue arose and led into a heated argument him and i, everyone was trying to calm us down. His mom tried to calm me down but I refused to calm down until I got my emotions all out.
An hour later, he said that I disrespected his mom by refusing to keep quiet when she asked me to. I wondered if it was about his mom over my emotional outburst, he then went ahead to delve into my family discussions I had with him in the past and chose my youngest sister to insult me with. He told me that she is my God, and that I cry whenever she talks to me, he even told me that she can never call me on phone. I don't know what made him say that knowing that I am a very hardworking person and I must not be in the same financial level with my siblings. The words he told me is too deep and I can't seem to stop crying since then. I am a grown up that is working tirelessly to be somebody so why that comment? She is my blood for crying out , I can't feel hatred suddenly for my sister.
Now he termed it that he wanted to hurt me for disrespecting his mom. I dont know how the 2 is connected. I even went to his mom to apologize and explain that it's not everytime someone is in that mood that he or she listens to anyone around saying it's ok.
Honestly, every single thing I feel for him disappeared within the twinkling of an eye, been trying to get it back but not working. I guess this may be the beginning of the end of my relationship.

kestolove95:
What are u even saying?

I am saying that people should know the words they say to their loved ones or even an ordinary person so it does not remain there forever

chocolateme:
I am saying that people should know the words they say to their loved ones or even an ordinary person so it does not remain there forever

You are lucky the man is a weakling.
If na me you talk to my mom like that,my dear you go collect.hoha!

Sorry, cry if you want to. After that, learn to control your emotions. It is really shameful and disrespectful that you both decided to put up a display in the presence of his mum- but then, she is family. Hopefully she understands and truly accepts your apology.

Next time, try silence. Breathe in and out, then ignore...till you are in a good mood.

Also, you should know it isn't all your personal/family issues that should be shared with your man or outsiders. You have learned the hard way, you both will settle and you will learn more. Pele

I don't understand... I haven't seen any insult In what he said,,, perhaps he told u the fact but u take it otherwise.... U are actually the one that disrespected his mother, infact throwing tantrums in his mother's house makes u an insolent.... So why are u trying to justify ur act..... See,, sh*ts happen in relationships and breaking up with him is the last thing u should be thinking of, and of course if dats ur decision, I'm less concerned.. But are u certain the next guy will be more tolerating? ,, mayb nah slap Dat one go dey dash u and u will run here crying "He beats me".... My friend, just let it go already and stop causing relationship brouhaha...Except u just want an excuse to lay him off...

You both messed up...You shouldn't have allowed the argument to generate to extent his mom and other of his family will have to come in.

You:
-argumentative
-emotional

Him:
-argumentative
-emotional
-vindictive


BOTH:
It's imperative that you each work on the above traits and
better your communication before getting married
so that you won't turn your home into a war zone.

you had an emotional outburst over a petty issue (as you put it) before his family and now you are complaining?
oh my goodness ..
work on yourself, you lack manners and self-control
and in the meantime be happy he still has feelings for you

I hate arguing with women, because the kind of words I can take and tolerate from my fellow man during argument, I can't do the same from a woman. Reason I detest and avoid women who are in the habit of arguing unnecessarily with men all the time.


OP, I want to let you know that no reasonable woman will allow herself get into an argument with her husband or boyfriend in his family's house.

By doing that, you passed a very bad message to them.

pocohantas:
Sorry, cry if you want to. After that, learn to control your emotions. It is really shameful and disrespectful that you both decided to put up a display in the presence of his mum- but then, she is family. Hopefully she understands and truly accepts your apology.

Next time, try silence. Breathe in and out, then ignore...till you are in a good mood.

Also, you should know it isn't all your personal/family issues that should be shared with your man or outsiders. You have learned the hard way, you both will settle and you will learn more. Pele

Nothing more to add to what this beautiful soul stated above.

chocolateme:
We are doing well in our relationship, normal misunderstandings and all. We share information about our different families and hides nothing from each other.
To cut a long story short, we were in his parents house, somehow a petty issue arose and led into a heated argument him and i, everyone was trying to calm us down. His mom tried to calm me down but I refused to calm down until I got my emotions all out.
An hour later, he said that I disrespected his mom by refusing to keep quiet when she asked me to. I wondered if it was about his mom over my emotional outburst, he then went ahead to delve into my family discussions I had with him in the past and chose my youngest sister to insult me with. He told me that she is my God, and that I cry whenever she talks to me, he even told me that she can never call me on phone. I don't know what made him say that knowing that I am a very hardworking person and I must not be in the same financial level with my siblings. The words he told me is too deep and I can't seem to stop crying since then. I am a grown up that is working tirelessly to be somebody so why that comment? She is my blood for crying out , I can't feel hatred suddenly for my sister.
Now he termed it that he wanted to hurt me for disrespecting his mom. I dont know how the 2 is connected. I even went to his mom to apologize and explain that it's not everytime someone is in that mood that he or she listens to anyone around saying it's ok.
Honestly, every single thing I feel for him disappeared within the twinkling of an eye, been trying to get it back but not working. I guess this may be the beginning of the end of my relationship.

You both had a quarrel but somehow its all he did and said that's all up here. Well done ma. Take the laurel you're seeking for - validations.


This is Africa my dear. Learn to have respect for starters


I've been in intense situations around elders, but once an elder appeals, we immediately keep quiet. Anything further is disrespect. If you had kept quiet, the fights wouldn't have continued and you both would have killed the heat



You both were angry at the same time. What happened to one party playing it cool. What has happened has happened. In intense situations, one party needs to take it cool. Not that you don't have a right to be angry, but to keep the fights from escalating. We've all been here. I'm no saint


I'm no saint but title indicted you being disrespected, but having the nerve to fight in his family's presence is his family disrespected even beyond the words you felt he used on you. If the reverse was the case and your family where his was, you would see it differently.



I'm not a saint, but he has respect for your sister and would like you to emulate her, but relationships are different from just relations. He has false expectations here, but then, a few things he pointed out could be heeded to




Try not to speak when angry, this goes for both gender. I'm not a saint too, I'm working on this, and wish to encourage you to do the same



Once any elder says stop, or a third party, out of self respect to oneself and the elder, try to learn not to be violated and out of respect for the individual, halt it. Your entitlement and victim mentality needs to stop.


In fights between couple. The fights should be to make the union better, where no one wins. Where a winner is needed I.e. in who was violated, who is feeling pain, who was wrong is the case,you'll draw the battle line against one another not against what needs to be addressed



Both of you need to learn and improve on your communication. Shouts, nag, quarrels, debates, arguments are all pointers to bad communication. Effective communication is I.e dear, I feel so hurt now. You've offended me. Or tactics, withdrawal, not cooking, mood swings, anger is replaced with using behavior on a different way to communicate your valid points you want addressed. Before this fight, it appears you both dont have good communication link between yourself. Trust me. I've seen couples of 15/29 years have serious issues and handling the conflict was far from what I read up here





Work on having a conflict resolution strategy


Return love for hate. Your sister is a shining light and no negative word should be a wedge between you both. Discontinue your sister from speaking with him as hes obviously channeling bonding energy towards her, sharing your bond energy with her. Return love and more love upon your sister and perhaps, you both learn a thing or two from his relations with your sister



A marriage with Christ in the centre withstands crisis. Improve on your personal and couple spiritual activities together so you can bond through those experiences and get closer


Your actions spoke more words than the scathing words which he used in retaliating the disrespect. As am elder, I thereby throw this case out on grounds that you both did equal wrongs. So, both on you, go work on yourselves and your marriage. Best of luck.


Oh. Learn to save fights for later. Its an attitude that can be intentionally developed

Dear OP, listen to the advice above. I think the both of you need to have a policy as regards conflict and resolutions. You seem to be opinionated and needed to express yourself to make a point but in the presence of your MIL, that shows you aren't emotionally intelligent. If you keep quiet and address issues in private and express your disdain, he'll take corrections and likewise you going forward. If you were my SIL to be, I'll be wary of you when he eventually marries you as you may do worse in public glare if you both don't work on yourselves now.

Chai! Unbelievable!

You and your bf were arguing loudly in his parents house sotey PEOPLE were trying to calm you guys down! Dang! Amongst the people was his mother! Chai! Let me tell you what you guys did:

1. You(both of you) disrespected his parents.
2. You(both of you) disrespected others present.
3. You(alone) disrespected your own parents. Surely, those nice folks trained you better than to go and scatter hair in your prospective in-laws house and in public .
4. You went to show them that na beat you go soon dey beat their pikin...restful dialogue is alien to you.
5. To end here, you went to show them that you most likely won't listen to any voice of reasoning in the heat of REAL war. Trust me, there would be wars in the future well into marriage...who would be able to say to you " be quiet this minute OP" ? You no get cover for eyes fa.

Whew! No mind me...I dey find work ni

It is well.

Esthered:
Dear OP, listen to the advice above. I think the both of you need to have a policy as regards conflict and resolutions. You seem to be opinionated and needed to express yourself to make a point but in the presence of your MIL, that shows you aren't emotionally intelligent. If you keep quiet and address issues in private and express your disdain, he'll take corrections and likewise you going forward. If you were my SIL to be, I'll be wary of you when he eventually marries you as you may do worse in public glare if you both don't work on yourselves now.

Assually, if she dares try this in my house, na there their relationship go end! Everybody get dadas that requires scattering from time to time o...but it is a taboo to scatter dada in front of elders like that. If the lice in your Dada could not be contained, then you as the host must learn to stop your lice activities once asked by an elder to stop!

It is a serious offence

I work hard! I work hard!! Na only u dey work hard for Naija? You’re not fit to be in a relationship cos u can’t control your emotions. Listen to voice of reasons above.

sisisioge:


Assually, if she dares try this in my house, na there their relationship go end! Everybody get dadas that requires scattering from time to time o...but it is a taboo to scatter dada in front of elders like that. If the lice in your Dada could not be contained, then you as the host must learn to stop your lice activities once asked by an elder to stop!

It is a serious offence

Future MIL, you have to show mercy sometimes Maami. You can scold her and correct her as your daughter.

Just leave the relationship and never let love make you discuss your own family business again! Not even with your husband except it concerns him. Na over love de worry you so your mouth is running like tap, telling all your family secrets! That relationship will not work because the mother will discourage him even though she appears to have forgiven you!

baby124:
Just leave the relationship and never let love make you discuss your own family business again! Not even with your husband except it concerns him. Na over love de worry you so your mouth is running like tap, telling all your family secrets! That relationship will not work because the mother will discourage him even though she appears to have forgiven you!

Is this difference now irreconcilable, no room to start all over and make it better.... Is this advice applicable if they were married too?

Esthered:

Is this difference now irreconcilable, no room to start all over and make it better.... Is this advice applicable if they were married too?

Trust me, that relationship is dead. The earlier she leaves the better because that guy will just waste her time. The mother will not let it manifest to a marriage. Even if the son was in the wrong. I laws look for little things like this to disqualify you. In marriage it’s a totally different thing. She can only advise they resolve it as she won’t want to be seen as a marriage wrecker. It will be very rare for a relationship to bounce back from this kind of drama. The mother witnessed it!!!

baby124:

Trust me, that relationship is dead. The earlier she leaves the better because that guy will just waste her time. The mother will not let it manifest to a marriage. Even if the son was in the wrong. I laws look for little things like this to disqualify you. In marriage it’s a totally different thing. She can only advise they resolve it as she won’t want to be seen as a marriage wrecker. It will be very rare for a relationship to bounce back from this kind of drama. The mother witnessed it!!!

Valid points you raised up there. It is well with them.

Esthered:

Valid points you raised up there. It is well with them.

In the arguments the guy also revealed his true mind. He’s vindictive and childish. To win an argument there is no length he would not stoop to. He used her insecurities against her and even potentially trying to destroy her relationship with the sister with such spiteful talk.

When I was dating, the moment you drag my family and try to cause division then just know that relationship is over. Then you even attempt to say things I told you in confidence to hurt me! Chai! Na woman she carry as boyfriend. This one will tie wrapper and clap on her head when arguing in marriage! To betray one’s confidence is a big betrayal

Esthered:

Future MIL, you have to show mercy sometimes Maami. You can scold her and correct her as your daughter.

Who I be to scold? I was just imagining ni. Apologies.

baby124:

In the arguments the guy also revealed his true mind. He’s vindictive and childish. To win an argument there is no length he would not stoop to. He used her insecurities against her and even potentially trying to destroy her relationship with the sister with such spiteful talk.

When I was dating, the moment you drag my family and try to cause division then just know that relationship is over. Then you even attempt to say things I told you in confidence to hurt me! Chai! Na woman she carry as boyfriend. This one will tie wrapper and clap on her head when arguing in marriage! To betray one’s confidence is a big betrayal

baby124:

Trust me, that relationship is dead. The earlier she leaves the better because that guy will just waste her time. The mother will not let it manifest to a marriage. Even if the son was in the wrong. I laws look for little things like this to disqualify you. In marriage it’s a totally different thing. She can only advise they resolve it as she won’t want to be seen as a marriage wrecker. It will be very rare for a relationship to bounce back from this kind of drama. The mother witnessed it!!!

Don't end a marriage God hasnt ended. The mother hasnt confided in you that she won't forgive. It seems you feel comfortable labelling mother in laws as enemies by default.


You're quick to hit at his clap back and how the fight degenerated further. A woman like her didn't choose sides, tried to hush things down, tried appealing, he did. But no she didn't see it okay to respect third parties. Even in heated arguments fighting parties should honor and respect people pleading on their behalf. Don't make the op feel good about her misdeeds. The Op has issues. She's combative, it's evident to see from the post. And has a self entitled victim mentality. Both parties acted wrongly. But if both had sought how to resolve issues the dissimulation wouldn't have gotten to that point you're hitting on the husband which you're working hard at completely discrediting his being. Let's not forget she carefully painted how the husband is a bad person and committed anything she said or did.


Don't judge things hastily. People will tell stories to make themselves appear like the victim.



What she did skins to cursing her own mother. As the MIL can be considered her own mother. What does the scripture say about honouring our parents?

sisisioge:




Who I be to scold? I was just imagining ni. Apologies.

Lol

healthserve:




Don't end a marriage God hasnt ended. The mother hasnt confided in you that she won't forgive. It seems you feel comfortable labelling mother in laws as enemies by default.


You're quick to hit at his clap back and how the fight degenerated further. A woman like her didn't choose sides, tried to hush things down, tried appealing, he did. But no she didn't see it okay to respect third parties. Even in heated arguments fighting parties should honor and respect people pleading on their behalf. Don't make the op feel good about her misdeeds. The Op has issues. She's combative, it's evident to see from the post. And has a self entitled victim mentality. Both parties acted wrongly. But if both had sought how to resolve issues the dissimulation wouldn't have gotten to that point you're hitting on the husband which you're working hard at completely discrediting his being. Let's not forget she carefully painted how the husband is a bad person and committed anything she said or did.


Don't judge things hastily. People will tell stories to make themselves appear like the victim.

Ok. Let her come back in 5yrs after she has wasted her time with the guy and he suddenly married someone else.

baby124:

Ok. Let her come back in 5yrs after she has wasted her time with the guy and he suddenly married someone else.

No defend issues point by point. How would you feel if your brothers babe comes over to your house to do the same thing and claim right. Spin it around and rub it on and in, let's see how it feels. Try to immerse yourself as his brother and as an affected party. In marriage don't choose sides in conflicts. The mother in law did an absolutely perfect job at trying to save the marriage by appealing to her and not her son. Please. When we see people do wrong, let's tell them the facts to their faces. Playing the gender card either to the side of the hubby or her won't save the marriage.


Your counsel isn't reconciliatory and would induce in her more prowess to feel violated, vindictive and vindicated

Yup. I also mentioned his vindictive nature above b/c it's quite glaring. It's obvious in the part about him bringing up past family discussions/the things he said about OP & her sister and he confirmed it with his own words that "he wanted to hurt me for disrespecting his mom". I think that's too much to do over a petty issue and simply b/c she didn't listen to his mom and it's definitely immature for a man to behave in that manner. Vindictiveness is one of the worst traits anyone can have. Both of them clearly have to work on themselves before getting married

baby124:

In the arguments the guy also revealed his true mind. He’s vindictive and childish. To win an argument there is no length he would not stoop to. He used her insecurities against her and even potentially trying to destroy her relationship with the sister with such spiteful talk.

When I was dating, the moment you drag my family and try to cause division then just know that relationship is over. Then you even attempt to say things I told you in confidence to hurt me! Chai! Na woman she carry as boyfriend. This one will tie wrapper and clap on her head when arguing in marriage! To betray one’s confidence is a big betrayal

healthserve:



No defend issues point by point. How would you feel if your brothers babe comes over to your house to do the same thing and claim right. Spin it around and rub it on and in, let's see how it feels. Try to immerse yourself as his brother and as an affected party. In marriage don't choose sides in conflicts. The mother in law did an absolutely perfect job at trying to save the marriage by appealing to her and not her son. Please. When we see people do wrong, let's tell them the facts to their faces. Playing the gender card either to the side of the hubby or her won't save the marriage.


Your counsel isn't reconciliatory and would induce in her more prowess to feel violated, vindictive and vindicated

I don’t have time to be defending my opinion on Nairaland. I just give my advice and move on. I have said what I said. The earlier the better for her . These are the kinds of drama you do only when you don’t give a damn about the relationship. She has learnt from her mistakes and should try not to commit the same error in future relationships.

baby124:

I don’t have time to be defending my opinion on Nairaland. I just give my advice and move on. I have said what I said. The earlier the better for her . These are the kinds of drama you do only when you don’t give a damn about the relationship. She has learnt from her mistakes and should try not to commit the same error in future relationships.

Smh


She has learnt from her mistakes and wouldn't repeat the same error in future relationships.Smh What a generation.

theButterfly:
Yup. I also mentioned his vindictive nature above b/c it's quite glaring. It's obvious in the part about him bringing up past family discussions/the things he said about OP & her sister and he confirmed it with his own words that "he wanted to hurt me for disrespecting his mom". I think that's too much to do over a petty issue and simply b/c she didn't listen to his mom and it's definitely immature for a man to behave in that manner. Vindictiveness is one of the worst traits anyone can have. Both of them clearly have to work on themselves before getting married.

Marriage won’t happen. If Na you be the mother of the boy nko? Both of them are senseless enough to fight in front of their parents not even outsiders. Lol. In a family house where all the family members can see and judge their fighting style. Not only that they dissolve to roforofo exposure of secrets. The MOTHER even try to stop them, they did not stop till they were exhausted. LMAO. They better just quit while there is still time. Before the small children in the house start mocking her when she visit