Hshhb

Terrible.

Pls stop the joint account.

Very terrible

hopefully:
I need help.
I plan to talk to him about it this weekend but what concerns me is that why do people behave like this, how do I know he hasn't been doing this in a long time while I am 100% truthful to him.

This is what you must do, you are on the right path.
The outcome of that conversation would determine what you do next.

Deceitful selfish people...

Not even part of your salary but all of it and you even withdrew part of your pension to put in the so called "Asusu", that your husband is a silent dictator and forget all these advocate of truth things if nobody is auditing his own freedom to the "Asusu" cause at the end one scam story will pop that will give you high BP of how he was scammed.

P.S since you are planning reasoning with him just be diplomatic cause if he wasn't like this before now something tells me an outsider must be telling him to peg you before you loose guard on him, couple with the fact you earn more than him.

How do people let themselves get played like this?
Are you scared of him or something? Does he beat you?

You make more than him but he still complains when you buy gifts for y0ur parents? And made you withdraw your pension money? I don't understand.

Does your husband know it's his duty to provide or maybe you two are not running a traditional system of marriage. Does he cook and clean and care for kids in exact same measure like you?

I think there are somethings you are not telling us Abeg

hopefully:
I need help.

My husband lied to me and thinks I am naive.


Am I being a good wife or am I just DUMB?

Please help!

I believe you are a good wife, smart and a little naïve if all you have up there is the truth, what you should be asking is your husband taking you for a fool? for as you know every labourer deserves his wages.
P.S you both can do joint savings where an agreed sum from both parties will monthly go to but not that joint "Asusu" for our wants are insatiable as no man has a prerogative right to over see that.

Hfg

There's more to this jare....

Lord pls give me intelligent daughters.....Amen. Such a pity that a father and mother would train their girl child, only for her to place a tricky husband above her parents.

Hopefully, this is just one of the fake NL stories put on here to generate traffic.
Otherwise, you are just laying curses on yourself if you cannot even make some basic provision for your parents.
Per adventure this is true, stop the joint account immediately. Have your own personal account where your salary goes into, and then drop a certain amount into your joint. Infact, drop only half of the money needed to foor the Bills.
I pray your parents will not die before you realise the wickedness you have done towards them. They might not even need your money, but there is a joy that comes from knowing your child has given you money or bought something special for you. They deserve to enjoy their child before they pass on.
If your husband is not happy with the new arrangement of him not being in control of your wages, let him call a family meeting and we'll see who will support his wickedness.

And you say you are not naive? I laugh in Swahili! Whew! Surely, your parents didn't raise you to operate with a fraction of the normal fraction of brain normal human beings work with! Continue! Hian!

Dumb, Ma.

Terrible. I think you have been trying to be respectful but its a handshake that has gotten past the elbow and turned to something else. Obviously as the so-called head of the home you gave him control of the family finances but since he's not managing it well you'll have to speak up. Good luck this weekend..

By the way what do you mean by this:

hopefully:
He forced me to withdraw 25% of my pension and put over half of it in his account.

He forced you how? your pension for that matter... This story is sad as hell

A man who does all these to you is being FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE towards you. Apart from physical, verbal and emotional abuse, FINANCIAL ABUSE also exists in marriage and this is a perfect example. Being controlling, manipulative and dishonest when it comes to money, especially the other party's money are big components of it, all of which he displays. He will soon force you to withdraw all the money in your account or your pension, or be doing it behind your back, if you're not careful. Stop with the joint account asap. Start speaking up more - he's doing these things b/c you're letting him. Being a good wife does not mean being mute and allowing your husband to continuously take advantage of you and your finances.

Maybe it’s time to change model y’all have going. Have a joint account and personal accounts. Each person will pay a certain amount to the joint account and use joint account money to take care of joint responsibilities. The personal accounts can be used to do personal stuff.

DUMB!
While I love love and togetherness in marriages,I do not subscribe to someone taking advantage of the other especially husbands.
It is okay for a woman in marriage to be submissive (not subservient) but this model of yours is abuse.
Your parents didn't labour over you? Didn't pay your school fees and other expenses?Why do you think marriage should take away your individuality?Why did you even agree with this arrangement in the first place?

Have a talk with your husband and change the arrangement.Follow what Elektra wrote up there.

This present arrangement will hurt you.

Dumb, dumber, dumbest attitudes

I'm so sorry to say this but you are acting VERY DUMB!! What manner of iberiberism is this? Gosh!! I'm so pissed off I can't even get myself together to advise you!! Continue to donate your brain and ability to think for yourself to him until he reduces you to a beggar and a debtor! Nonsense!!

Aunty wey mumu

As someone who shares all accounts with my husband, I can tell you that it would be hard to make it work with a controlling spouse. Sharing works but that is when there is perfect transparency , trust and major cohesiveness when it comes to big spending. It is not a matter of compulsion or being authoritarian, each person gets their one 50% vote, regardless of how much they contribute or even if they don’t have a job.

A friend stopped sharing with her husband because of his controlling ways, she volunteered that to me herself. If one partner is domineering then maybe sharing is not a good idea because it is going to lead to stress and fights. If he doesn’t have the login information to online banking, sounds like you’re not completely comfortable with him yourself. In sharing, each person has full access (including passwords) at all times. It sounds like you’re both not a 100% committed to this sharing idea and that’s not a crime, try something else.

Incidentally, with most of the joint account couples I know, the woman manages the money and the man earns more. Maybe it takes more trust for a man to share with a woman rather than vice versa, I do not know but that’s what I have observed. It sounds like he does not trust you to manage money (I’m not accusing you of anything here) and if that’s the way he sees the situation, all the more reason to shelve the joint thing for now until you can both agree on how to move forward. Joint accounts, realistically, from my unscientific observation, don’t work for most Naija marriages. It’s either someone is spending too much on their own relatives , diving into sketchy business deals, making questionable investments, overspending , maintaining an unaffordable asoebi lifestyle, has a side chic/guy, etc

I would not call you dumb, I would just say maybe you’re trying do something with someone of a different mindset so it’s not working out. It’s not compulsory to share. It’s obvious you are very resentful about how things are being done and he’s lying about transactions so why suffer? If it’s not working, try something else. Having peace in your marriage is more important than sharing accounts when you’re not on the same page. Joint accounts require unity of purpose. For me, the idea makes it easy to plan and to manage the finances because it’s all one pot, one for all and all for one. We swim or sink together, each person knows what our assets are and knows where all the skeletons are buried.

hopefully:
I need help.

My husband lied to me and thinks I am naive.

We keep a joint account and it was his idea which is not so much of a problem to me. What baffles me is that he likes to have 100% control over my income, when I need to buy stuffs for myself and the kids, he questions it. When I need to give my parents anything, he knows about it and 90% of the time every penny that goes to my people goes through his account just so that they think he is the one responsible for it and same to his family. My parents asked me once that why is everything coming from your husband and you are working? It bothers me a bit but that is how my huaband wants it. My mother asked me for cash last Christmas but my husband declined saying there is no cash and that we already bought them xmas gift and why is she asking for money again.

I am very carefree when it comes to issues like this, he gives people cash at will. He forced me to withdraw 25% of my pension and put over half of it in his account. Out of my pension, he gave out 300k to his friend and I didnt complain but when my parents asks for stuffs he complains to the extent that he recently said they are liabilities. These are people who sent me to school for bsc and masters in UK, gave us 2k dollars when we had our kids. I make more money than him and will not complain. Sometimes he asks me to log into my bank account to see my transactions. He expects me to transfer every penny of my salary to our joint savings account after I take care of my portion of the bills. He is an advocate of telling the truth and transparency but yet I found him wanting.

Of recent he forgot his phone at home and I went through it. His friend asked to loan some cash which he did. When his friend was about to return the money, he asked his friend to use it to buy a tv for his mum in nigeria. Dont get me wrong, I will never ask him not to buy stuffs for his mum infact when his mum makes I demand, I push to wnsure that he gets it for her because I believe every parent suffered on their kids and they need to reap the benefits. But he bought the tv and never mentioned it to me till now. I kept quiet like I didnt know. Of recent, his mum called and mentioned something about delivery of something to her house and I asked him about it, he lied to me and said it was their uncle who bought something for her. Immediately after that conversation, he deleted his whatsapp conversation with his friend not knowing that I already saw it. I have been acting normally, we talk,gist have sex and all and I only think about it when I wake up in the middle of the night. I plan to talk to him about it this weekend but what concerns me is that why do people behave like this, how do I know he hasn't been doing this in a long time while I am 100% truthful to him. He goes through my phone, checks my account and yet he is not sincere. I dont have any cash called mine because he enforces me to put everything in our joint account, even my pension was withdrawn and over half of it in his account and the while cash is gone. I cant go out to but somethig for myself without him approving it orherwise trouble. Of recent my mum came visiting and I bought her powder and foundation of less than 30 dollars and when he saw it in my account, he complained saying that must I buy her stuffs each time we go out?

Am I being a good wife or am I just DUMB?

Please help!

hopefully:
I need help.

My husband lied to me and thinks I am naive.

We keep a joint account and it was his idea which is not so much of a problem to me. What baffles me is that he likes to have 100% control over my income, when I need to buy stuffs for myself and the kids, he questions it. When I need to give my parents anything, he knows about it and 90% of the time every penny that goes to my people goes through his account just so that they think he is the one responsible for it and same to his family. My parents asked me once that why is everything coming from your husband and you are working? It bothers me a bit but that is how my huaband wants it. My mother asked me for cash last Christmas but my husband declined saying there is no cash and that we already bought them xmas gift and why is she asking for money again.

I am very carefree when it comes to issues like this, he gives people cash at will. He forced me to withdraw 25% of my pension and put over half of it in his account. Out of my pension, he gave out 300k to his friend and I didnt complain but when my parents asks for stuffs he complains to the extent that he recently said they are liabilities. These are people who sent me to school for bsc and masters in UK, gave us 2k dollars when we had our kids. I make more money than him and will not complain. Sometimes he asks me to log into my bank account to see my transactions. He expects me to transfer every penny of my salary to our joint savings account after I take care of my portion of the bills. He is an advocate of telling the truth and transparency but yet I found him wanting.

Of recent he forgot his phone at home and I went through it. His friend asked to loan some cash which he did. When his friend was about to return the money, he asked his friend to use it to buy a tv for his mum in nigeria. Dont get me wrong, I will never ask him not to buy stuffs for his mum infact when his mum makes I demand, I push to wnsure that he gets it for her because I believe every parent suffered on their kids and they need to reap the benefits. But he bought the tv and never mentioned it to me till now. I kept quiet like I didnt know. Of recent, his mum called and mentioned something about delivery of something to her house and I asked him about it, he lied to me and said it was their uncle who bought something for her. Immediately after that conversation, he deleted his whatsapp conversation with his friend not knowing that I already saw it. I have been acting normally, we talk,gist have sex and all and I only think about it when I wake up in the middle of the night. I plan to talk to him about it this weekend but what concerns me is that why do people behave like this, how do I know he hasn't been doing this in a long time while I am 100% truthful to him. He goes through my phone, checks my account and yet he is not sincere. I dont have any cash called mine because he enforces me to put everything in our joint account, even my pension was withdrawn and over half of it in his account and the while cash is gone. I cant go out to but somethig for myself without him approving it orherwise trouble. Of recent my mum came visiting and I bought her powder and foundation of less than 30 dollars and when he saw it in my account, he complained saying that must I buy her stuffs each time we go out?

Am I being a good wife or am I just DUMB?

Please help!

1 your parents shouldnt ask you why money comes through your husband, its your home she has no right to ask such, you runs the home according to what works for you.

2 its is always wise to act in opposite i.e husband sends money to your parents and you send to his that way normal parents would be greatful to their respective son/daughter in law than to be viewed as your are eating our son/daughter money

3 you talked about paying part of your shared bill , that statement looks you operate as people sharing a house, whereas your married there is nothing like my part of bill, its your bills as couple

4 he wrong to touch the pension, unless if you had both agreed and the money being used for something that has future benefit to it, eg putting down a mortgage or putting the money in those higher interest savings. His move touch the pension shows that he has poor decision regarding the future or retirement it was meant to a family decision aka him and you to decide

5 i think he is insecure since your earn more and he wants to prove to outsiders that he has more money by giving out or buying stuff for other people without your thoughts, not knowing that it questions your trust in him and his leadership as husband

Further on your decision to have a word with him. I advice the following:

Such men are smart and likely cunning he will have an answer and justification for his actions. I

It’s important you itemise the facts of this issue by writing them down before the meeting. Ensure you’re not emotional but factual


Itemise what you feel is wrong with the arrangement currently.

List the areas you want amendments and adjustments

You can decide to for eg rework the joint savings scheme to be a percentage of what you both earn or a specific amount towards projects or childcare or whatever you decide.

Communicate clearly to him the fact that you work and as such are financially
Responsible and must be able to disburse your income as is best suited to you which will include your gifts to your family members and expenditure on yourself and children as long as your joint costs are being taken care of.

Do the calculations well and ensure it doesn’t degenerate into a brawl.

He’s not likely to clap for you or hug you and immediately accept he’s wrong but wake up and take charge of this part of your life

Further on your decision to have a word with him. I advice the following:

Such men are smart and likely cunning he will have an answer and justification for his actions. I

It’s important you itemise the facts of this issue by writing them down before the meeting. Ensure you’re not emotional but factual


Itemise what you feel is wrong with the arrangement currently.

List the areas you want amendments and adjustments

You can decide to for eg rework the joint savings scheme to be a percentage of what you both earn or a specific amount towards projects or childcare or whatever you decide.

Communicate clearly to him the fact that you work and as such are financially
Responsible and must be able to disburse your income as is best suited to you which will include your gifts to your family members and expenditure on yourself and children as long as your joint costs are being taken care of.

Do the calculations well and ensure it doesn’t degenerate into a brawl.

He’s not likely to clap for you or hug you and immediately accept he’s wrong but wake up and take charge of this part of your life

This is iberibe of the highest order. Aunty you schooled in the UK and u don't have common sense. Don't be surprised if he has ventures and other things. People like ur husband tend to have very bad secrets. I'm pissed!

U were not dumb or naive. U were only trying to make your marriage work. It's just like driving without checking the blind spot to notice some obstacles.

But since you have now checked your blind spot and have discovered some potholes, Have you decided on what to do to those obstacles over the weekend? Are u ready to tell him that the joint account thing is not working for u and for your interest in that marriage stating the reasons?

I will advise that you guys should try Operating both separate and joint accounts. Decide how much should go into the joint account and stick to it. But as your family situation changes along the line like new baby, inflation, forces of demand and supply, u keep on amending it.

Example, if you were earning #50000 a month, u can decide to put #30000 inside the joint account while he puts similar amount too. Then both of u can decide on what to spent together using the joint account. It could be children school fees, groceries, rent, bills etc.

U should understand that everyone both married and single deserves to have personal savings. It got nothing to do with love. If you have your own separate account there won't be any need for him insulting your parent when they asked for an occasional financial help.

If you don't know what to say over the weekend, take some time and write it out like you were going for a meeting. Try and resolve this amicably.. u know whom you married. Some people are naturally controlling. If he is the type, u know how to manage him better than anyone here....See this as one of the marital challenges that needed urgent attention. No shouting match no screaming ....Be matured about it.. . Though I believe u can do it since you have pretended this far as if all is well. Goodluck this weekend.

@hopefully, I am not sure what the intention of running a joint account is, however my opinion is that joint account should be created for specific purpose and with specific withdrawal provisions e.g joint account for children's university education, rent, mortgage e.t.c. running a joint account for general running expenses will almost certainly lead to this situation because even as couples you guys perceive things differently.

For instance, ladies here purchase wigs for as much as ngn120k, most guys will consider that unreasonable expense and kick against of if it was their cash or joint cash, while if a guy spends 30k at bar, his wife will raise the house down with complain if the money was hers or jointly owned

My wife once bought waist trimmers or maybe its called trainer for 21k. Each time, I look at it, I wonder how ladies reason. My consolation though is that it was her cash.

If she find me with printout for even food of 2k, she will lecture me on how to stop wasting money and tell me the money could have fed the home for a week.

Honestly, I don't think any couple can sincerely happily run a joint account for general/personal expenses on a budget

.

Resurgent2016:
My wife once bought waist trimmers or maybe its called trainer for 21k. Each time, I look at it, I wonder how ladies reason. My consolation though is that it was her cash.

If she find me with printout for even food of 2k, she will lecture me on how to stop wasting money and tell me the money could have fed the home for a week.

Honestly, I don't think any couple can sincerely happily run a joint account for general/personal expenses on a budget

Hahaha..
So true. I would find it preposterous to spend such money on food or drinks, but wouldn't bat an eyelid going to the spa with double of it..
I guess our values differ as individuals and gender.

I am surprised some posters haven't commented on this thread. Probably going their own way...

That you are married doesn't mean you must lose your sense of reasoning. As thorpido has mentioned neither do you lose your individuality when married. What your husband is doing to you is called financial slavery. One would think that your husband of all people would not deliberately keep you in financial bondage but that is exactly what he is currently doing to your disadvantage. As you have your own account, your next salary, deposit only 50% of it in the joint account and the other 50% should go into your own account. It's up to you to decide how, when and if at all you will let him know your plan with your next salary and other subsequent ones going forward. He has tied you down financially as he knows that your salary is capable of looking after you without him even giving you any money of his own. WHEN HE FINISHES YOU FINANCIAL YOUR EYES GO COME CLEAR WELL WELL. MAKE YOU DEY DO SIDDON LOOK NA EM BE MONKEY NAME; Whilst your husband is using you as MONKEY DEY WORK BABOON DEY CHOP. Just imagine; you can't even give your parents money without him grumbling and complaining that there is no money but he can give his own parents money and he will not grumble nor complain that there is no money and you sit down and fold yours and do nothing about it; SMH. Abi you think say na yam for your parents to sponsor your education in the UK to do your BSc and MSc? Abi you never calculate how much money your parents spent in giving you that quality education? And yet you want to abandon them by not at least giving them some financial help every now and then. When your husband has finished dealing with you financial, your eyes go come clear. ENOUGH SAID.