Zhuhilat:
Dear all

I and my husband are just 2years in marriage.

Every time we have issues concerning anything, he is always telling me to pack my things and leave his house or he will say things like you are off no importance to me and you bring me no value and stuff and stuff. But after a while he will apologize and say he doesn’t mean it.


Last month, what caused our fight was because my mum sent some food stuffs to us because she traveled and got them cheaply. He was angry because he felt that was disrespectful. And the argument degenerated to him telling me to leave his house,

i got tired, called his bluff and left the house but everyone advised me to go back and make it work., well except my dad. Mind you, this was the 5th time.

On my return, we talked about it(like we always do) and i thought it was genuine, and i said i was going to give it one more try.


Today, we had an argument because of baby food. I told hime to buy on his way back. I couldn’t go out because the whole road was terribly flooded .

But he didn't buy it, and that lead to an argument. And the next thing he told me was to fuc.k off and leave. Or he is leaving. As a matter of fact, he just left the house now 12:00am.



I am actually tired of it all. and right now, i don't think i have any love left for him or this marriage.
I think he is cheating on me and for some reason i am beginning to look outside and crave attention, love and respect from someone else.

I don't want my child to grow up seeing me treated like this but most importantly , i don't want her to think it is okay to accept being disrespected and under valued like this.

Married people is this one of the challenges in marriage or what?
Why cant we have an argument that doesn’t lead to leave my house, i dont need you, you bring me no value and all

Also we are very very comfortable, i work and he works too.
Emotionally, i am done.

123sophocles:
Sorry for your hurt and take it easy ma'am. Every relationship or marriage has its own issues. Please watch War Room.

You should also try going to see a marriage counselor together.

elektra:

Somebody needs to make an equivalent of War Room for men

Zhuhilat:
reason i am beginning to look outside and crave attention, love and respect from someone else.

Zhuhilat:
But he didn't buy it, and that lead to an argument

Zhuhilat:
well except my dad. Mind you, this was the 5th time

Zhuhilat:
Why cant we have an argument that doesn’t lead to leave my house, i dont need you, you bring me no value and all

blackboy:
Madam. You are a married woman! A wife ! A mother! You are talking of seeking attention outside. Which is worse? A child seeing her mother a good example of a mother n wife while her husband is not appreciating her 100% or a case she sees her mother as a slut whom her husband does not appreciate?
Madam make it work. He no beat you. No carry you hand commot from house again. Make it work. A man you can ask to buy baby food means you can talk to him. Sit him down and talk to him

blackboy:
Madam. You are a married woman! A wife ! A mother! You are talking of seeking attention outside. Which is worse? A child seeing her mother a good example of a mother n wife while her husband is not appreciating her 100% or a case she sees her mother as a slut whom her husband does not appreciate?
Madam make it work. He no beat you. No carry you hand commot from house again. Make it work. A man you can ask to buy baby food means you can talk to him. Sit him down and talk to him

Reptyle:
So sorry to hear what you are facing.

Speaking from experience, I would say hang in there...it will all work out eventually.

I have come to realise that for most couples, the first 3 years is very challenging...especially for the men. It is that period of transition where the man is still trying to adjust to the fact that he is no longer single and he has to stop living selfishly.

It is also the period where the woman is all caught up in the emotional roller coaster of having a man she can call her own and doing her best to assert herself as the first lady...the only woman in his life.

I got married quite young and if anyone had told me that my marriage would survive the first three years, I would have doubted it. During that period, my house was a constant battlefield.

In spite of all of the upheavals, one thing was clear to both of us...we loved each other so we determined never to give up on the marriage.

Thankfully we made it past those turbulent days. It has been 12 years and I am grateful for how far we have come. My wife and I look back on those days now and we make jokes about them.

A few nuggets for you:

1. Don't stop communicating. If you have to quarrel, do so. But don't stop talking.

2. Always try to resolve conflicts swiftly. The longer it stays, the more it festers. My wife and I used to keep malice to the point that we wouldn't even remember what started the fight

3. Never move out of the house. Except if there is a threat of physical abuse, please stay and work things out. Running away from conflict doesn't resolve an issue.

4. Never insist on your "right". I know this runs contrary to everything the world preaches these days. But it works, trust me. When you got married, you basically handed the controls of your life to your husband and you took control of his. It doesn't necessarily take 2 heads to build a home. It only takes one good head. It is a painful and sacrificial process and everyone is going to call you foolish for seemingly bending over backwards to accommodate your husband's shortcomings. But I don't think it is too much of a sacrifice to make for a lifetime of peace in your home.

5. As much as possible, avoid outward interference in your home. The issues in your home aren't peculiar. But you and your husband are going to need to figure out the peculiar solutions to the issues. What works for one home might not work for another. If you must get advise, please look for someone older...not your parents. Most parents react emotionally and sentimentally in situations like this and end up misdirecting their children. Perhaps you can consider your religious leader (pastor, imam, etc) or an uncle or aunt who can look at the issue objectively and have the courage to counsel you right.

6. Determine and resolve within yourself that divorce isn't an option. I came to realise that the moment I struck divorce off my list of possible options, I became more pragmatic and determined to work things out with my wife. When you create an escape door, the tendency is that you will use it in the midst of a conflict.

7. Keep your marriage fresh. Create opportunities for fun. Help your husband understand that he isn't "trapped" just because he married you. Take him out; go clubbing with him now and then; dress hot and have crazy sex now and then. Invite "the boys" over once in a while and play hostess. Don't push them away, pull them in.

8. Become friends with your in-laws....especially your mother-in-law. Win over her affections with gifts and attention. Her goodwill towards you will be indispensable. If your husband sends you out of the house and you decide to leave, don't go to your parent's house...go to his parent's house. Sounds crazy, but this was one of the ways my wife won my family's support against me.

These are some of the general principles that worked (and still work) for me. Above all, be patient. It always works out in the end. Good luck!

Acidosis:

Another case of disrespect. But this one na daddy issues stuff. How well do you know his parents and the relationship between father and mother?

midnighter:


Just curious..how is it a daddy issue? i understand "daddy issues" to mean a woman who has a problem choosing the right partner because of unresolved issues with her own father

Acidosis:


That definition is sexist. Daddy issue is also used to describe the father complex with males.

elektra:


Somebody needs to make an equivalent of War Room for men
A movie that will provide solution for all their marital problems.
Women cannot be enjoying magical movies alone

SALTandFIRE:
Only the wise can see the undertone of disregard and disrespect in OPs post
disregard and disrespect for both your hubby and baby
undertone of disrespect. If he didn't buy it you don't need to start a fight and call it an argument
you disregard your dad instead of you to listen to him. He knows better than you and how to hand a young man.
you too listen to yourself...read this quote to yourself and tell me how it sounds.! Why should you actions always revolve around arguments fighting ?

theButterfly:
Verbal abuse ✔

Emotional abuse ✔

Physical Abuse: Loading

LadySarah:
Bearing in mind that your name sounds muslim,are you sure a second wife isnt loading?

What needs to be said.
1.When someone says hurtful things to you during a quarell,that is wht they have been thinking about you.
2.The house belongs to both of you.If he says leave,dont leave.If he didnt push you or your stuff out,stay.Dont give him room to keep disrespecting you.Go to the fridge,take enough food then back to the sitting room.Make sure you stretch your legs well on the cushion and watch your favorite movie.You can Play a song and sing away .Run around with your bby

If your presence irritates him,then he should leave.
3.The baby's welfare should be paramount to both of you.so,if he didnt buy it,both of you should endure the crying.
4.At this stage,you shouldnt think of another baby.Theres no peace here.Work on yourselves.

5.Pray.Counselling is also neccessary.If he refuses to go then let him be.
6.If it gets physical,Nne,run!!!!!!!!!! .

PLS,Thankfully you work.Stop these arguments.Ignore him when he tries to provoke you.Dont watch warroom .Pls make yourself happy.You owe it to yourself.Dont let any human define your happiness.

Zhuhilat:
Dear all

I and my husband are just 2years in marriage.
.

I don't want my child to grow up seeing me treated like this but most importantly , i don't want her to think it is okay to accept being disrespected and under valued like this.

Married people is this one of the challenges in marriage or what?
Why cant we have an argument that doesn’t lead to leave my house, i dont need you, you bring me no value and all

Also we are very very comfortable, i work and he works too.
Emotionally, i am done.