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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) (52011 Views)
When A Deadbeat Dad Gets Old And Weary. / Boy's Converstaion With His 'Deadbeat' Dad About Christmas Gift Sparks Debate / How I Ended My Relationship With A Married Man (2) (3) (4)
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Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by IceColdVeins(m): 6:45pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
"How could we not talk about family, when family's all that we got?" ![]() Charlie Otto Puth (2015) CC: KanuSE thanks bro This write up was inspired by a random thread https://www.nairaland.com/5396187/children-deadbeat-fathers-time-think/4#82028618 that was created about a couple of months ago. Its was based on the effects of parents exhibiting apathetic attitudes towards their wards. Lugubriously, I was a victim of that on the father's part. I had lots of rifts with my dad owing to constant loggerheads and maltreatments that I could percieve my mother received from him(I was only acting on my mother's emotions). I suffered a lot due to paternal negligence........If I start penning down my chronicles, it would be easier stopping a herd of stampeding wildebeestes on the Serengeti than making me stop typing. Without further Ado, I saw the thread and I decided to make my own opinions known as attached below, then a guy quoted me and that changed everything. I started seeing things in the other perspective and I decided to initiate a communication with my dad that I had gone incommunicado on for over six years (200 level in the unversity). Good heavens, it felt like dreams came through when he replied(photos attached). Now I'd be going home this December for the christmas break, I'm thinking of buying him a very fine wine and an exquisite wristwatch, which his colleagues would ask about it and he would reply ''My son got it''. Finally, I can say I had gone through thick-thin of life and still moving. I'm an independent 26 years old bloke now and I was able to get here with the help of the very limited finances from my mother, while my father kept buying cars and building houses. I'd implore fellow nairalanders with similar backgrounds with mine to take a clue from this thread and let the old things pass away. Forgive your parents and move on. "Children begin by loving their parents, as they grow older they judge them, sometimes they forgive them" Oscar Wilde Regards. 85 Likes 8 Shares
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Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Nobody: 6:49pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
That's nice.... Some parents don't deserve any relationship with them.. Just forgive and move on Even deadbeat fathers have levels ... Some are just total deadbeat that won't have an iota of care for the children left behind.... The Op is healing for himself not his family or mother... Am sure there will still be some resentment... Just 6yrs ain't much.. Imagine if he's gone for 20-30yrs.pls what relationship is there to build. There's no way he will fit into ur life 100 Likes 8 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by YorubaPrince: 6:50pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
![]() 1 Like 2 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Romanoff(f): 6:50pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
Some parents will provoke their kids and will still expect an apology from them. Meanwhile, your dad types like a teenager. Lol. See abbreviations. 81 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by BRATISLAVA: 7:05pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
When will he apologize to your mum? Or have you forgotten that part? You've forgotten why you didn't care about him? Another bro code moment. Maybe you've found yourself maltreating women, too, so now it's okay. Or maybe all those cars and houses you mentioned have to do with it. 129 Likes 8 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by KanuSE: 7:11pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
IceColdVeins: I'm humbled ![]() ![]() 38 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by IceColdVeins(m): 8:22pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
MODIFIED Dont be quick to judge. I am the only one at loggerheads with my dad, my other siblings are not. And I never demonised my mom, I love her and I have showered my care on her. I'm just trying to make peace within myself and make the family balanced. MY mom and dad are still together. But the wounds dont ever heal. Not that bro. I will always be on the side of every loyal woman and will treat them with love as well. But I have now come to terms with the fact that no one is perfect, especially when it comes to marriage. During my childhood, I never saw things from the perspective OF my dad, we only kept on listening to mom's wailings(she suffered truthfully) but we never get to hear his own side of the story cos a man never shows emotions. My reconcilation with dad is not a pat on his head for his wrongdoings but a move to make peace within myself. You'll understand when you have a disagreement with your wife and your own children start taking sides. I'm just trying to retrace my steps and lay a good foundation for my unborn children. BRATISLAVA: 235 Likes 19 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by IceColdVeins(m): 8:24pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
Dont mind him, you need to see how fast he types, spends time on whatsapp and facebook more than an average adolescent Romanoff: 49 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by BRATISLAVA: 8:36pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
IceColdVeins: So now that you heard his side it has justified the cruel treatment to your mother that you said made her to suffer? What if he lied to you? What do your unborn children have to do with his unkindness to your mother?. Problem is that many men do evil to their wives not knowing that the people who will never forgive them are the children. The way your unborn children will have nothing to do with this is if you treat your future wife well. I have no pity for men who do evil and get abandoned by their kids. This is why abuse in any form is foolishness, because it is the children who will suffer it not even the spouse you want to hurt. His side means nothing. The oppressors do not need sympathy except from fellow oppressors. And yes, it will be taken as a pat on the back. Loyal or disloyal, nobody deserves to be abused . Just divorce. Don't torture yourself and kids. 109 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Pavore9: 9:06pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
No matter how "provoking" a man feels the mother of his child(ren) is, there is no excuse for paternal negligence. Always find a way to provide and be there for them. I recall a classmate back in secondary school, she swore she and her younger sister would not marry a Nigerian so that their father who neglected them to go live a carefree life will not get even a kolanut in the name of tradition when getting married. She kept to her word and now married to a Dutch and with kids, she came down and got wedded at the Ikoyi Marriage Registry and returned to Europe while her father's side of the family have been pressuring her to come "home" to formalize the marriage. "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord"... Ephesians 6:4 Personally, I feel a parent who neglected his/her child has no blessings to give. 107 Likes 6 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by prizlezzlalasky(f): 9:22pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
@ op I can only say kudos to you for taking this bold step, try being a source of reconciliation to both parties. 11 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by chriskosherbal(m): 9:34pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
BRATISLAVA:Easier Said than done, op first of all I want to use this medium to say you are a man, for trying to make peace with your Dad, there is a particular blessing that biological father's carry that NO man on earth no matter how highly placed in any field can give to you..Am quoting you because you are still trying to condemn and Judge his Dad, the OP said we never listened to his own side of the story cos men just know how to suck in emotions. Being the last male in the family I stayed with family for a longtime before I left, and I must say mother's are wonderful but can choke a man to death sometimes if that man lack emotional shockabsolver when things start to fall apart especially finance, Seeing my mum cry complaining to me sometimes you will think Dad is just heartless until I grew to understand that mum most times just want things to go her way always forgetting Dad feelings, and the fact he still the head of the home, irrespective of finance and mum sometimes couldn't just be submissive. You see when you grow older in life you will definitely love your mum but tend to appreciate your Dad's effort so far in trying to raise a family ( we were 8 in number, even though we lost 2), providing for everyone's need, food, academics, name it, and coping with mums constant nagging sometimes can be really frustrating and unbearable, you will see it practically clear when you start to have kids.. It takes God and a man that is determine to keep his family together irrespective of trials/temptation to still keep going, sincerely I love my mum no doubt but my RESPECT for my Dad have skyrocked when I came face to face with real life ...I love you DAD. 162 Likes 14 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Fountainofyouth(f): 10:32pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
Good for you Op, next thing to do is ask your Dad why he was heartless to your mum, try and confirm what your mother told you about him, and if she has been saying the truth, tell him to go and apologize to her in front of you and your siblings, if he shows no remorse or is still trying to prove right after all your mother has done, he deserves ONLY forgiveness, nothing else, I dey hate nonsense, no one should give excuse or tolerate a deadbeat dad when he's not dead. 35 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by blank(f): 10:37pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
I'm just wondering. How will the expensive gifts you want to buy for him make up for the parental neglect you suffered from him? He had a disagreement with your mom and decided to take it out on the kids by not providing for them. Sounds like a douchebag. But what do I know? 87 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Graxie(f): 11:02pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
This is why I hate single motherhood, I can never raise up kids by myself alone except due to widowhood. God will not even allow me to be one. Every single mother should read this thread and wake up, you will raise this kids alone and they will go in search of their father. Some will even claim you manipulated them. Wake up and seek for child support from sperm donor, even if it means going public. Don't waste your life for nothing. Better still, go and drop those kids for your sperm donor family. Be wise. 118 Likes 6 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by BRATISLAVA: 11:22pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
chriskosherbal: Men only love their fathers because of red pill movements and because they usually become the monster of their childhood in later life. So you think mothers only nag? Do you know if fathers nag? With the way men complain about almost everything about women from cooking to cleaning, who do you think nags most? Even when mothers are bread winners, at the end of the day comes underserved love and respect for a man who prioritized other things over his family. Because people need to recognize fathers. Whatever that means. I've noticed a lot of hatred for dead beat mothers and love and "understanding" for dead beat fathers. Why? Sexual bigotry. Nothing less. Nothing more. All I see are ungrateful kids. They always think their mothers are evil when they've grown up and swallowed the red pills, and that they need to see things from his side, even when he abandoned them or abused them. Men don't suck in emotions; they are downright bitchy too. That is why they take it out on their families by being absentee fathers. If women dared to try this...! And yet, the children always look for them. Not because they are good. But because society has made even evil men have a side. Even murderous men have a side. As if evil is justified simply by fatherhood because if you don't apologize to him you will suffer. Fear. 94 Likes 12 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Preshy561(f): 11:23pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
Graxie: 11 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by obamartins(m): 11:24pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
@op don't allow anyone discourage you from reconciling with ur dad and getting him a gift. I had a very terrible experience with my dad that made me drop out of medical school at 300level, my brother got locked up in the cell bcus I reacted by seizing my dad's credentials as a way of protesting his neglect. He tot I conspired with my brother to seize his documents. Cut the long story short, the DPO mediated and asked us to go home and resolve the issue since it's a family issue. My dad threatened to shoot both of us if we step foot in his house (he has a gun). So we both went our different ways. I vowed never to have anything to do with him and for seven years we were not on talking terms. I started hustling and went back to school, did part time and graduated. Yes, I graduated with a 2:1, but those seven years were hell, nothing I did seems to work. Even after leaving school I was stagnant until someone told me to reconcile with my dad if I want doors to open. Hell No! There is no way I will reconcile with that heartless man. I had all justifiable reasons not to reconcile with him. After a couple of months, I gave it a tot and called him. We reconciled and since then I have never known a better yesterday. Doors began to open. Today, I was able to reconcile him and my elder brother and also placed him on monthly allowance. There is a spiritual implication when you have issues with your parent. I witnessed it and I had no option than to bury the past. The truth is that they will never apologize to you no matter what, just eat the humble pie and make amends. Then things will start working again. We need their blessings b4 the leave earth. 72 Likes 5 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Dande55: 11:27pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
Graxie:You are right. I'd rather abort that child than raise him/her alone after the rejection and humiliation from the man's part. God forbid. Some women never learn. Men always know that those children will still come back to them hence, they misbehave hoping to welcome back the fruits they never watered and it has never failed. Women wake up!! Don't train your child alone unless you are a widow. 64 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by BRATISLAVA: 11:31pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
blank: Honestly wondering at the strangeness of it all. It's like a ticket to evil and they endorse it. Imagine neglecting you and then you running after the man. Men suck in emotions they say. Rubbish. If he valued his family he would put aside baseless pride and stoop to conquer. Rather they now demonize their mothers and sympathize with the fathers. Some form of Stockholm syndrome. The oppressor deserves some love, eh? 51 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by CHoccolaTE: 11:56pm On Dec 12, 2019 |
Graxie: This is exactly what I was thinking while going through this thread, See how I felt cold while reading the justification these people gave for their fathers behaviour, they cannot control their urge to blame women for everything. They agree that the father maltreated mom but are now twisting it by saying their mother manipulated them into being on her side, she nagged, she did so and so Can you imagine the ungratefulness to the only parent who was there for you through thick and thin? Go back to your dad if you want but dont be unfortunate by bad mouthing your mother for your dads bad behaviour, even if she did the nagging and emotional whatever you people are claiming THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY your dad abandoning you. He could have gotten family to mediate, he could have separated from her but continued to show interest and concern for you. But here you ungrateful brats are, after your mother raised you you want to still blame her for your dad abandoning you. I really pity single moms raising boys, if they know what is good for them they will try as much as possible to get support from their sperm donor because men will always support each other over women no matter the rubbish the other party does. I am very sure Op's dad is rich because he mentioned the man building houses everywhere. Maybe he wants to have a taste of his dads wealth that's what is really fueling this reconciliation and bad mouthing his mother. 108 Likes 6 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by CHoccolaTE: 12:01am On Dec 13, 2019 |
blank: @bold, Na real wa Leave them to continue blaming their mothers for everything Ungrateful souls 50 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by oyoolima: 12:04am On Dec 13, 2019 |
Children of abusers stand a high chance of becoming abusers themselves. Some begin to.identify with oppressors because they have taken on the role as well or they see themselves acting out same role as the oppressor minimising abuse and making excuses for the abuser. It is always better to take children away from abusive and toxic relationships and co parent happily than leave them to absorb and become the monsters they fear. Most of them will never be able to truly escape and will re enact same scenario with their future spouses,make excuses & normalise these deep character flaws because it is what they grew up seeing as the order of the day. Single parents should accept that the absent parent will be held sacred by the child and even made a martyr. The child will make the absentee parent fit into their fantasy of perfection till of course true colours show up. This scenario plays out over and over and over again. Best to raise a child with the knowledge that they will always seek out the other parent. Know this and don't make your child your whole life,have something for yourself so there will not be any bitterness when the perceived "betrayal" by your child naturally will occur. Just make peace with it and get on with your life. 44 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by eazzzy1(m): 1:08am On Dec 13, 2019 |
Isn’t a child reuniting with his father suppose to be a good thing? The only lesson learnt here is never make your child pick sides in a feud they are too young to understand. The children will always pick the sides of the mother because you hardly see a dad explaining adult issues to their kids. The reason he is giving his dad a chance is because his relationship with his father was formed not out of his own experience but his moms. This in no way invalidate his moms love for him. Some of you in a bid to blackmail the OP are even saying he’s now an abuser hence the reconciliatory moves, do you bother asking what his dad felt when his own seed took sides with his ‘enemy’? the hurt, the betrayal? The women here are only pained because they now realize that you can not make a child hate his father because you hate him. The child will always look for his father or mother as long as they are alive. PS: I have seen children gone in search of their birth mother who gave them up for adoption. How’s that different from this situation? 63 Likes 6 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by LadySarah: 2:41am On Dec 13, 2019 |
Graxie: Nne,You understand this Very well. 9 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by LadySarah: 2:47am On Dec 13, 2019 |
King Tonto comes to mind ![]() ![]() Women Shine your eyes well.slaving while the sperm donor is somewhere enjoying. 33 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by KanuSE: 2:52am On Dec 13, 2019 |
blank: You know nothing coz you are not the Op. 19 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by KanuSE: 3:19am On Dec 13, 2019 |
CHoccolaTE: So you favour separation between kids and their father coz of what happened in the past which we have no control over? Calm down ok. 11 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by KanuSE: 3:22am On Dec 13, 2019 |
blank: So what do you want Op to do or what would you advise? 3 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by KanuSE: 3:26am On Dec 13, 2019 |
prizlezzlalasky: Other ladies here think otherwise though. ![]() 10 Likes |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Nobody: 3:28am On Dec 13, 2019 |
blank:gbam |
Re: Deadbeat Father: How A Nairanlander's Quote Ended My Family's Rift. (photos) by Nobody: 3:32am On Dec 13, 2019 |
CHoccolaTE:you said the real truth.. Am a guy but some people are just ungrateful 37 Likes |
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